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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪帕特女士，妳14歲就當媽了

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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{\an8}‪差不多是初經來的時候

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{\an8}‪去死啦，迪昂

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{\an8}‪克里斯，迪昂今天怎麼比你帥？

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{\an8}‪迪昂，你好像嗑藥的黑人肯尼娃娃

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‪妳要錄第一部喜劇特輯了

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‪妳都怎麼用那些鳥事逗觀眾笑？

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‪我不會糾結於控制不了的事

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‪但我有辦法控制這件事

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‪我要好好教訓這些死小孩！

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‪我們休息一下

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‪亞特蘭大
‪展現你們對這位在地英雄的熱情

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‪熱烈掌聲歡迎獨一無二的帕特女士

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‪好熱情呀

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‪好！

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‪好的

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‪好了，閉嘴

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‪這個婊子知道她功成名就了

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‪很高興來到這裡

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‪終於回到家鄉亞特蘭大

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‪只有這裡能申請薪資保護貸款

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‪卻不用做生意

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‪你們這些人都要去坐牢

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‪之前我跟閨蜜講電話

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‪抱怨我在養的那些毒癮寶寶

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‪對，我在養表親的毒癮寶寶

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‪我在電話抱怨

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‪“這些死小孩快把我逼瘋”

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‪我朋友說：“帕特
‪妳幹嘛都叫他們毒癮寶寶？

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‪他們真的生來就有毒癮嗎？

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‪我說：“靠，我不知道”

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‪但我知道那個寶寶
‪生來就對古柯鹼上癮

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‪她說：“古柯鹼？
‪天哪，怎麼讓她戒掉？”

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‪我說：“我就不再讓她吸啊”

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‪媽的，我是重罪犯

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‪她以為我可以去貧民窟
‪幫寶寶拿到毒品

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‪警察把我攔下來

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‪我還得向警察解釋
‪“警察，這不是我的古柯鹼

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‪是要給家裡的寶寶吸的”

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‪老媽子跑了，沒有母奶可以喝

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‪這是我養的第三批毒癮寶寶

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‪我跟上帝說，到此為止！

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‪我49歲，家裡有個七歲的死小孩

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‪整天嘰哩呱啦的

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‪告訴各位，我還有月經，還會排卵

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‪正處於更年期

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‪我的新陳代謝都被這些小孩搞亂了

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‪我姪女之前在講電話

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‪嘰嘰喳喳，胡言亂語說

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‪“大家都知道我愛小孩”

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‪我說：“對，妳只愛妳的小孩

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‪賤貨，別瞎扯了”

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‪她說：“大家都知道
‪我願意為孩子而死”

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‪我說：“別這樣，妳沒有人壽保險”

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‪掛掉的話，我還得埋葬妳

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‪帶走妳的小孩，去買古柯鹼

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‪妳有什麼問題？
‪妳以為我多有錢，毒蟲？

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‪這些寶寶還很自以為是

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‪有些事我小時候都沒做過

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‪前幾天進我房間，連門都沒敲

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‪在黑人家庭長大的小孩
‪最好是乖乖敲門

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‪你要敲門，看看角落

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‪確定不會看到媽媽
‪把好吃的點心藏在哪裡

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‪我媽沒門牙
‪她以前很愛吃棉花糖夾心餅

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‪她都沒給我們吃

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‪她讓我們吃薑餅

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‪那種餅乾硬得要死

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‪跟豆子一樣，要泡過才能吃

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‪這些毒癮寶寶不一樣

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‪他們大剌剌走進我房間

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‪那個小男生都當先鋒
‪我不信任那兩個年紀大的

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‪他們記得曾經跟媽媽在毒品站

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‪所以，我都隨身攜帶小折刀
‪以免需要捅他們

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‪媽的，我混貧民窟的，總是有備而來

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‪那個小男生走進來，叫我“姑姑”

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‪我說：“雷蒙，你想幹嘛？”

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‪他說：“我們想知道
‪今晚要不要吃晚餐”

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‪我說：“你們這些自以為是的小孩

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‪把‘晚餐’和‘今晚’
‪放在同一個句子裡”

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‪我絕對不會走進我媽的房間

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‪講那種話

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‪我會走進我媽的房間說：“媽

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‪今天要吃飯嗎？

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‪已經快過午夜了”

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‪我媽會說：“給我下樓去

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‪吃泡水三明治”

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‪你們沒吃過泡水三明治？

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‪有時候吃白麵包會配開水

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‪麵包卡在牙齒上方

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‪然後把奶油刀放在嘴裡，好像在吸屌

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‪別裝蒜，大家真是健忘

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‪我記得有一次醒來，餓得要命

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‪泡水三明治已經消化掉了

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‪我坐在那裡看我最愛的卡通
‪《藍色小精靈》

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‪記得《藍色小精靈》嗎？

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‪天哪，我以前很愛小美人
‪因為我知道她很淫蕩

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‪你懂的，誰會有那麼多兄弟啊？

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‪我用我家那臺展示機電視看

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‪上面又放一臺電視，這樣才有聲音

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‪我坐在那裡，泡水三明治已經消化了

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‪到了廣告時間

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‪我永生難忘，那是漢堡王的廣告

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‪裡面有烤好的麵包

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‪水從生菜、蕃茄、洋蔥上面滴下來

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‪牛肉餅還燙得冒煙

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‪我坐在那裡，肚子咕嚕咕嚕叫

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‪我的大腦在戲弄我

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‪我的大腦說：“婊子，去吃那個漢堡”

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‪我從沙發上跳起來
‪跑過毛茸茸的地毯

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‪抓住那臺展示機電視，死命舔

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‪結果被電爆了

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‪我說：“看來要付錢才吃得到”

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‪我只養了這一群毒癮寶寶

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‪而且鄰居都是白人

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‪在白人社區養這些小孩

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‪我發現一件事

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‪我發現，白人學校
‪慶祝黑人歷史月的方式

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‪跟黑人學校不一樣

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‪白人學校慶祝黑人歷史月

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‪要看學校有幾個黑人學生

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‪有四個黑人，就慶祝四天

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‪我家小孩的學校

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‪校園精神週比黑人歷史月還長

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‪在場的幾位白人

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‪不曉得知不知道
‪黑人歷史月對我們多重要

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‪我們以前會大肆慶祝

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‪對吧，黑人同志？

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‪我們要扮成黑人英雄

131
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‪連續30天都要當那個黑人英雄

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‪我知道大家心裡在想
‪“帕特女士，2月只有28天”

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‪去你的，我們把那兩天加回來

134
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‪舉個例子

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‪如果你的小孩選擇當哈莉特塔布曼

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‪你的小孩就要具備
‪哈莉特塔布曼的特質

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‪你的小孩要聰明

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‪有領導力

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‪很會玩躲貓貓

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‪可以用槍打死一個黑人

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‪擁有堅毅的臉龐

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‪少來那一套

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‪你們知道哈莉特長得不好看

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‪你們心知肚明，哈莉特長得像她叔叔

145
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‪別誤會我

146
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‪我不是不感激哈莉特，我很感激

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‪沒有哈莉特

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‪我會被迫幫白人吹屌

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‪你們一副會幹哈莉特的樣子

150
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‪這裡沒有人會幹哈莉特

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‪妳會幹哈莉特嗎？妳是女的，抱歉

152
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‪妳可能會幹哈莉特，但是…

153
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‪抱歉，我沒看清楚，我沒戴眼鏡

154
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,592
‪妳可能會用力幫她舔，真是抱歉

155
00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:36,891
‪只要可以得到解放，怎樣都行吧？

156
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:41,812
‪一路舔出主人的家

157
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‪我姪子的老師打來說：“帕特女士

158
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‪我想讓妳知道
‪雷蒙的黑人英雄作文拿到A的成績

159
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,291
‪我說：“干我屁事，跟我講幹嘛？”

160
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‪她說：“妳要叫他念給妳聽”

161
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‪我說：“好”

162
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‪後來我姪子回來
‪下了校車，走進家裡

163
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:11,926
‪我說：“喂，雷蒙

164
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:15,054
‪你的老師說你的黑人英雄作文拿到A

165
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‪小子，拿出來，念給全家聽”

166
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‪我是黑人媽媽，我都這樣跟家人講話

167
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‪他把作文拿出來，不騙你們
‪他念：“我的黑人英雄是我姑姑帕特”

168
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,613
‪我知道，我轉過去看我老公

169
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,949
‪我說：“他選的不是你”

170
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:42,582
‪他下句寫
‪“她以前是賣快克古柯鹼的”

171
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‪等一下，只有快克

172
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‪古柯鹼是給家裡的妹妹的

173
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,303
‪我是在喬治亞州亞特蘭大長大的

174
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‪1980年代，當時是雷根當總統

175
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‪天哪，你們記得嗎？

176
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‪雷根經濟政策

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‪我們當時非常窮

178
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‪我有隻狗叫帕帕，雷根連任時

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‪狗從後門跳下去自殺

180
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‪別那樣看我

181
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‪我沒殺牠，牠是自殺的

182
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,033
‪所以我不懂這種新的作法

183
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‪把寵物安樂死

184
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,829
‪新的作法，把狗安樂死

185
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‪我朋友打來說：“妹子
‪我得把我的狗可可香奈爾安樂死”

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‪我說：“為什麼？”
‪她說：“牠有乳癌”

187
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‪我說：“妳怎麼要殺死這條狗

188
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,092
‪牠還有七個正常的乳房”

189
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‪妳一個乳房有問題
‪也不會有人想殺妳

190
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‪我不明白

191
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,896
‪我說：“妳怎麼知道
‪牠不想步行募捐來醫病？”

192
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:52,401
‪那隻狗也想穿T恤
‪上面寫“我戰勝了癌症”

193
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:56,322
‪那隻狗想聽《天使之心》

194
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,076
‪看看你們這些愛寵物的

195
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,830
‪“帕特女士，妳真敢講”
‪去你們的，你們瘋了

196
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:10,544
‪而且幫寵物安樂死也不便宜
‪要花799美元

197
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:14,632
‪休想要我付799美元
‪讓你幫我的狗安樂死

198
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:17,385
‪我後院就有烤肉架

199
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,639
‪去你的，反正都是火

200
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,183
‪不管是誰在燒

201
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,310
‪你批評我？

202
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,897
‪因為我不把骨灰放在
‪杯子蛋糕盒裡，上面放照片？

203
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,565
‪去死吧

204
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,610
‪我受不了你們這些愛寵物的

205
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,529
‪我每個禮拜都搭飛機

206
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,948
‪我受不了達美航空

207
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,743
‪看大家帶那些虛假的安撫情緒動物

208
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:50,918
‪不可能有那麼多人需要朋友

209
00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:56,465
‪有沒有看到，有個女的
‪想帶迷你馬上飛機？

210
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:02,054
‪誰會在處方箋裡開迷你馬？

211
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,473
‪自付額是多少？

212
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,520
‪他們用這招來搭免費的飛機

213
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,397
‪我那四個毒癮寶寶也要用這招

214
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,776
‪我要讓四個毒癮寶寶穿那種背心
‪去搭達美航空

215
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,284
‪我要告訴他們
‪“這是我的安撫情緒小鬼”

216
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,413
‪別惹他們，他們會咬人

217
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:33,252
‪受不了你們這些愛動物的人
‪你們太過火了

218
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:36,255
‪你喜歡某個橄欖球隊

219
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:39,049
‪不代表你的狗也愛那支球隊

220
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,845
‪我說真的，我之前看到鄰居在遛狗

221
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:46,056
‪那隻狗穿芭蕾舞裙，像在賣淫一樣

222
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,854
‪還有，狗不應該穿牛仔褲，好嗎？

223
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,231
‪狗要舔自己的屌

224
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,650
‪有拉鍊牠們沒辦法舔

225
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:04,074
‪我很愛這個笑話
‪因為愛動物的人都倒吸一口氣

226
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,951
‪就是你們這些笨蛋

227
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,580
‪在狗的頭上綁蝴蝶結，跑來跑去

228
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,207
‪因為妳的子宮有問題

229
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,463
‪命中要害了嗎？

230
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:21,967
‪我說真的

231
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,553
‪我住在印地安納州普萊恩菲爾德

232
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,847
‪不騙你們，我的白人鄰居跟我說

233
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,975
‪“帕特，來我家寶貝的生日派對”
‪我說：“好”

234
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,853
‪我沒去過白人寶寶的生日派對

235
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:37,650
‪我去一元商店
‪買黑人芭比娃娃送她的白人女兒

236
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,403
‪去你的，我要買長得跟我一樣的

237
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,492
‪我心想，這可以替他們注入多元文化

238
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:48,285
‪我去到他們家

239
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:52,331
‪不騙你們，我走進去
‪桌上坐了六條狗

240
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,209
‪我看著那些狗，那些狗也看著我

241
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,503
‪“告訴這個賤貨我們是狗”

242
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,634
‪然後她說：“巴斯特，把蠟燭吹熄”

243
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:06,262
‪我說：“靠，如果狗把蠟燭吹熄

244
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,557
‪我們會咬妳一口”

245
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:14,603
‪我很懷念以前美好的日子
‪可以把狗綁在樹邊

246
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,482
‪現在不行了，你會去坐牢

247
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,112
‪把你家的醜小孩綁在樹上
‪可能都還不會坐牢

248
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:26,907
‪我是在亞特蘭大市長大的

249
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,577
‪小時候我們常搬家

250
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,496
‪是我們常被房東趕走

251
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,667
‪我媽會確定我們被趕出來之後

252
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:39,044
‪會住在同一個社區

253
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,838
‪這樣就不必轉學

254
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,216
‪被趕出來最煩的一件事就是

255
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,344
‪我媽會叫我們去之前的家
‪問白痴問題

256
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,555
‪例如“今天有我們的信嗎？”

257
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:56,770
‪敲敲門，我媽問有沒有我們的信

258
00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,149
‪她想知道能不能
‪借一包雞肉和兩個衛生棉條

259
00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:05,571
‪我媽租房子很挑剔

260
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:08,282
‪她以前都租有煙囪的房子

261
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:11,118
‪我以為她想租有煙囪的房子

262
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:14,288
‪是想讓聖誕老人下來看她的黑人小孩

263
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,040
‪不是這個原因

264
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:17,958
‪她想要有煙囪的房子

265
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,628
‪因為我們很窮，不能開燈和瓦斯

266
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,796
‪她都把電燈關掉

267
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,132
‪我們要在壁爐煮飯

268
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,427
‪夏天來我家，攝氏38度

269
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,430
‪我家壁爐是開著的
‪像餅乾桶餐廳那樣

270
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,016
‪支架都是擺好的

271
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:35,768
‪在松木上煎雞肉

272
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:37,937
‪牆壁冒汗，我們也冒汗

273
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,940
‪我們只穿內衣褲，像剛下船一樣

274
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,901
‪我們只有一臺電扇

275
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,737
‪我媽邊吹邊看《不安分的青春》

276
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,740
‪松木和油脂噴在我們身上

277
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,492
‪我們說：“媽，好燙”

278
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,495
‪她說：“像個男人”
‪我說：“靠，我是女的”

279
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,041
‪幾天後我去上學，校長走過來

280
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,669
‪他年紀很大，體型高大，戴著厚眼鏡

281
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,588
‪如果他不識字
‪可能進得了國家籃球協會

282
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,676
‪他走過來說

283
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,803
‪“這位女同學，請來我辦公室”

284
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,430
‪我走進辦公室
‪不騙你們，警察在那裡

285
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,433
‪我的學生顧問、老師、校長都在那裡

286
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:19,645
‪他們站在那裡看著我
‪我說：“幹，怎麼回事？”

287
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,231
‪因為我從小就愛講髒話

288
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:24,441
‪他看著我

289
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:28,529
‪他說：“我們注意到
‪妳身上都是瘀青、水泡、燙傷

290
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,699
‪我們想了解妳家的情況
‪妳會自殘嗎？

291
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,325
‪我說：“不會

292
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,828
‪我是在煙囪煎雞肉”

293
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,751
‪他看著我說：“滾回教室去

294
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,713
‪我以為妳被虐待”

295
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,133
‪我說：“靠，我是被虐待啊

296
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:52,678
‪小學四年級不該在煙囪下煎雞肉

297
00:16:56,724 --> 00:17:00,477
‪幾天後，我朋友在自助餐廳抱怨她媽

298
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:03,814
‪她說：“我媽很爛”
‪我說：“我媽也很爛”

299
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,735
‪我朋友說：“聽說有個好地方
‪我們可以去那裡”

300
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,486
‪我說：“‘好地方？’

301
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:12,740
‪這個‘好地方’在哪？”

302
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:17,286
‪她說：“叫少年輔育院
‪我們得去那裡”

303
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,003
‪我說：“要怎麼去？”

304
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,465
‪她說：“妳要逃學

305
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,092
‪去便利商店偷東西

306
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,137
‪他們會出動白色的車
‪上面有紅色的燈

307
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,513
‪過去載妳”

308
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,435
‪警察

309
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,398
‪我逃學去便利商店偷東西
‪結果被關起來

310
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,485
‪不騙你們，我在少年輔育院待了五天

311
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,820
‪但那段時間我學到很多

312
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,616
‪我第一天在那裡，他們會響鈴…

313
00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:59,912
‪放飯了，不騙你們
‪我的輔導員帶我去一個房間

314
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,165
‪盤子上都放了吃的東西

315
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,834
‪我跟她走在一起，看著那些盤子

316
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,920
‪我注意到一些沒看過的東西

317
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:11,173
‪我說：“小姐，那是什麼肉？”

318
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:14,343
‪她說：“雞肉”，我說：“什麼雞肉？”

319
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,095
‪她說：“雞腿”

320
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,930
‪我沒吃過雞腿

321
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,058
‪我就問：“你們沒有雞屁股和雞背？”

322
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,735
‪我媽只煮過雞屁股和雞背

323
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:34,822
‪我媽沒帶我們去麥當勞

324
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,324
‪她都做麥香雞屁股給我們吃

325
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,455
‪你們有些人都直接舔屁股，不必油炸

326
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,674
‪他小時候也窮得要死，看他笑成那樣

327
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:56,468
‪他想到過去，“靠，帕特女士”

328
00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:00,597
‪他會去檢查銀行帳戶
‪確定自己還過得去

329
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,227
‪老兄，謝謝你感同身受

330
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,774
‪我再來注意到盤子上有捲捲的東西

331
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,861
‪我拿起來問：“小姐，這是什麼？”

332
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,487
‪她說：“小麥麵包”

333
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,157
‪我沒吃過小麥麵包

334
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,741
‪我沒看過小麥麵包

335
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,828
‪我拿起來說：“你們有黑人麵包？”

336
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:31,253
‪笑出來，別怕，這位白人小姐
‪現在大家都吃黑人麵包

337
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:32,796
‪這東西很健康

338
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:37,009
‪妳今晚可以打開食品櫃說
‪“我有黑人麵包”

339
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,845
‪我也有，他媽的

340
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,641
‪我以前不知道
‪我小時候過得多糟，說真的

341
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:47,394
‪這段要剪掉，我屁股卡到東西了

342
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,610
‪靠，好像兩腿中間有根假陽具

343
00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:58,113
‪我在整理了

344
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,364
‪這群黑人心想

345
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,367
‪“帕特女士，看妳的褲子
‪妳那裡很肥喔”，沒有啦

346
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,500
‪放心，這段會剪掉

347
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,670
‪這可是電視節目

348
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,759
‪我心想：“什麼東西爬上我的腿？”

349
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,063
‪我之前不知道我過得多慘

350
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,690
‪直到有次跟閨蜜講電話

351
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:35,567
‪我們聊到洗禮的事

352
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,570
‪我說：“妹子，我受洗25次了”

353
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,533
‪她說：“25次？誰幫妳洗禮25次？”

354
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,702
‪我說：“妳受洗幾次？”

355
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:48,121
‪她說：“以耶穌之名受洗過一次”

356
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:52,501
‪我說：“靠，我媽八成是
‪以她男友之名幫我洗禮”

357
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:59,758
‪後來發現，我小時候在亞特蘭大

358
00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:01,551
‪如果經濟有困難

359
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,054
‪只要去當地的教會

360
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:06,515
‪加入那個教會，讓孩子受洗

361
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,518
‪他們就會給錢，替你紓解困難

362
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:13,105
‪對，但我媽利用這件事來斂財

363
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:18,068
‪她開始讓我們在禮拜天受洗兩三次

364
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:22,072
‪記得有次去的時候
‪我已經全身濕答答了

365
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,789
‪牧師問：“怎麼濕濕的？”

366
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,792
‪我媽說：“少管閒事
‪我們還要趕下一場”

367
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:39,214
‪最後，黑人教會發現我媽在斂財

368
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,966
‪她得改去白人教會

369
00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:44,970
‪告訴各位，我媽發現白人教會

370
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,972
‪白人和白人的內疚感之後

371
00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:50,017
‪她把你們的祖先徹底利用了一番

372
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:54,604
‪我媽會開那輛1964年的雪佛蘭

373
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,815
‪我們五個小孩坐後面

374
00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:58,317
‪她轉頭過來說

375
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,194
‪“我們要進去拿這些白人的錢

376
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,738
‪擺出奴隸的臉”

377
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,956
‪我們要進去撈一筆

378
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,250
‪我媽知道，他們給支票後

379
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,836
‪她會立刻去找大麻藥頭

380
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,506
‪不過我很喜歡在白人教會受洗

381
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,258
‪他們對你比較好

382
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:27,512
‪受洗之後，他們都會帶大家
‪到樓下的備膳室

383
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:31,058
‪白人教堂會給五個孩子一人一個盒子

384
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,309
‪讓他們自己拿

385
00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:34,603
‪我媽會說：“塞到滿”

386
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:42,986
‪我們一直擺出奴隸的臉

387
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,284
‪黑人教會沒有這種福利

388
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,995
‪一個家庭就只有一個盒子

389
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:56,124
‪每次都是那個戴假髮的醜女

390
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,960
‪站在備膳室門口，上下打量你

391
00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:00,921
‪“你不說謝謝？

392
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:02,923
‪我要把那包糖拿回來”

393
00:23:06,468 --> 00:23:09,054
‪我媽算是半殘障

394
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:15,435
‪對，她是半殘障

395
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:17,354
‪她的脖子有問題

396
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,815
‪真的，她的脖子會歪成這樣

397
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,733
‪她會說：“幫我弄回來”

398
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,529
‪我們要一直在旁邊
‪幫她把脖子弄回去

399
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:27,739
‪我不知道我媽的脖子怎麼了

400
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,908
‪我認識她的時候，她的脖子就是那樣

401
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,497
‪我很討厭我媽的脖子

402
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,916
‪小時候我們不能出去玩

403
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:41,002
‪因為我們要隨時幫她扶脖子

404
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:46,091
‪記得有次坐我媽的車

405
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:48,885
‪我們要去領社會保障金

406
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:52,347
‪我媽都會讓我妹坐後面，讓我坐前面

407
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,100
‪這樣前後都有人幫她扶脖子

408
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:03,650
‪我們開車要去領社會保障金

409
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:05,444
‪她開到一條鐵路前

410
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:09,531
‪她說：“幹，這列火車
‪會害我趕不上銀行的時間”

411
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,408
‪她說：“我要開得比火車快”

412
00:24:11,491 --> 00:24:13,618
‪我看著我妹說：“不可能”

413
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:17,372
‪我不騙你們
‪我媽開那輛1964年的雪佛蘭

414
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,916
‪她用力踩油門，開到鐵路上

415
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,877
‪她的脖子往後倒

416
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,257
‪她說：“靠，把我脖子扶起來
‪火車要來了！”

417
00:24:34,055 --> 00:24:36,266
‪我妹用力打她的脖子

418
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:41,563
‪但太過用力，頭撞到方向盤

419
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:46,485
‪我把我媽的頭扶起來
‪我沒放好，頭又往後倒

420
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,403
‪我妹又打了一次

421
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:51,781
‪等一下，這不是在打棒球

422
00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:57,412
‪最後我把我媽的頭擺好
‪我們也通過鐵路

423
00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:00,457
‪我媽停在路邊說
‪“妳們幹嘛那麼用力打我？”

424
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:03,460
‪靠，火車要來了

425
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,005
‪妳那個爛脖子會害死我們

426
00:25:14,554 --> 00:25:16,389
‪想聽一件誇張的事嗎？

427
00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:19,184
‪我妹的脖子也會這樣

428
00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:24,606
‪我沒有說謊，這叫“斜頸症”

429
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,859
‪你們可以上網查

430
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,904
‪只有人和雞有這種症狀

431
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:37,953
‪不曉得是不是在壁爐煎雞肉造成的

432
00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:41,206
‪但我妹的脖子也會這樣

433
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:43,041
‪但只會倒在肩膀上

434
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:47,170
‪她把脖子扶起來的時候
‪會發出聲音，像灑水器一樣

435
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,299
‪有次我跟女兒坐她的車

436
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,802
‪我妹一路講個不停，然後抬起頭來

437
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,346
‪結果頭倒在脖子上，她還一邊開車

438
00:25:56,429 --> 00:25:58,431
‪我女兒尖叫

439
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:02,185
‪“別緊張，她在用周邊視覺

440
00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:04,187
‪她的脖子會恢復正常的”

441
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,986
‪這可不是我編的

442
00:26:11,778 --> 00:26:12,821
‪記得小時候

443
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:14,739
‪聽到我媽跟阿姨講電話

444
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:17,742
‪她把長長的電話線拉到房間

445
00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:22,539
‪她把門關上說
‪“妹子，我很會吹屌”

446
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:28,044
‪我站在門外說：“她騙人”

447
00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:34,259
‪“媽，別騙了，妳低下頭
‪誰要幫妳把頭抬起來？”

448
00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:43,059
‪屌會卡在妳嘴裡，像溫度計一樣

449
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,780
‪小時候我家會釀私酒

450
00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:59,200
‪我爺爺會賣私釀酒和單菸

451
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,953
‪就是單獨一根香菸，解釋給白人聽

452
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:06,333
‪小時候，我們在這間房子裡
‪什麼都見識過

453
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:10,587
‪賭博、賣淫、槍擊事件

454
00:27:10,670 --> 00:27:13,214
‪我們小孩全都看過

455
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,634
‪我最記得兩件事

456
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:19,262
‪第一，我媽以前很愛擲骰子

457
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:22,515
‪但擲骰子前，她會把義肢拿掉

458
00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:25,977
‪她說一條短腿像軟趴趴的老二
‪會帶來好運

459
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:28,980
‪而且，骰子擲太遠

460
00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:31,316
‪可以用義肢勾回來

461
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:38,573
‪我還記得一件事，我有個西索叔叔

462
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,618
‪西索叔叔以前常坐在釀私酒的門邊

463
00:27:41,701 --> 00:27:43,662
‪對大家講同一句話

464
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:47,791
‪嘿，小姐，給我兩枚五分硬幣
‪兩枚五分硬幣就是一角

465
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:49,125
‪但他不愛一角硬幣

466
00:27:49,209 --> 00:27:51,628
‪給他一角硬幣，他會勒死你

467
00:27:52,879 --> 00:27:55,173
‪跟大家解釋一下我的西索叔叔

468
00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,467
‪我的西索叔叔會癲癇發作

469
00:27:57,550 --> 00:28:00,220
‪他有殘廢而且是弱智

470
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:04,349
‪別激動，我解釋一下
‪為什麼用“弱智”來形容

471
00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:07,018
‪他1932年出生

472
00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:08,812
‪當時沒有啟智學校

473
00:28:08,895 --> 00:28:10,689
‪他是弱智，好嗎？

474
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:16,361
‪亞特蘭大的觀眾
‪請敞開心胸看這件事，好嗎？

475
00:28:18,029 --> 00:28:20,657
‪我叔叔一個禮拜會癲癇兩三次

476
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:23,993
‪我爺爺受不了，所以想到一個好辦法

477
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,996
‪如果每個禮拜六讓我叔叔跟女人上床

478
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:31,543
‪他每個禮拜癲癇發作的次數就會降低

479
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:35,296
‪你們別這樣，我叔叔也有生理需求

480
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:38,758
‪他也需要愛

481
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,722
‪每個禮拜六，我和我妹就有一項工作

482
00:28:43,805 --> 00:28:45,849
‪我們要進去幫忙讓他硬起來

483
00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:49,519
‪閉嘴，這是我的故事，我要講

484
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:54,607
‪我們會走進去

485
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,735
‪妓女已經在床上了

486
00:28:56,818 --> 00:28:58,945
‪下面的毛多到炸出來

487
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,617
‪敞開心胸就看得到

488
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:10,039
‪“貝蒂小姐，今天好嗎？
‪我們快幫他準備好了”

489
00:29:18,131 --> 00:29:20,967
‪我叔叔會在角落傻笑

490
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,638
‪我們走過去，他都繫兩條皮帶

491
00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:29,601
‪因為這傢伙的口袋
‪隨時都有一千個五分硬幣

492
00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:36,691
‪我們把他的褲子脫掉

493
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:40,361
‪褲子掉在地上，就像囚犯被鐵鏈
‪鎖在一起做工的聲音

494
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,364
‪不騙你們

495
00:29:43,865 --> 00:29:45,950
‪我叔叔的屌露出來

496
00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:49,746
‪他的屌沒割包皮，是我見過最大的屌

497
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,586
‪他控制不了自己的屌

498
00:29:57,754 --> 00:30:01,591
‪多出來的包皮經常打到我和我妹的頭

499
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:08,014
‪我們就說：“西索叔叔，你那裡好乾”

500
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:17,565
‪我們會扶他上床，因為他跛腳

501
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:20,902
‪我覺得他走路的樣子很像袋鼠

502
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,535
‪這個故事不會讓妳下地獄，寶貝

503
00:30:31,287 --> 00:30:34,207
‪我們會把他丟到床上，壓在妓女身上

504
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:37,377
‪因為他沒辦法
‪像一般人那樣跪在膝蓋上

505
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:40,547
‪否則看起來很像在演《威鯨闖天關》

506
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:50,515
‪我和我妹站在床的兩邊

507
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:51,891
‪他壓在妓女身上

508
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:55,186
‪我們抓住他的腳踝，把他的雙腿分開

509
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,314
‪他的屌就會直接進入妓女的體內

510
00:30:58,398 --> 00:31:01,401
‪但因為他是弱智，我們必須激勵他

511
00:31:01,484 --> 00:31:05,029
‪我們就開始叫
‪“捅她的小妹妹，西索叔叔！”

512
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:23,756
‪他開幹三四下，我們就去告訴爺爺

513
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,092
‪“爺爺，他在裡面捅小妹妹

514
00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:30,054
‪50分錢拿來
‪我們要去玩《小精靈》”

515
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:37,437
‪不過我得老實說

516
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,023
‪我叔叔的癲癇沒有因此改善

517
00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:48,615
‪他每個禮拜還是發作兩三次
‪我爺爺會大喊

518
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:51,492
‪“天哪，西索又癲癇發作了

519
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:53,995
‪去拿湯匙放進他的嘴巴

520
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,581
‪別拿我那根好的湯匙，他會咬爛

521
00:31:57,415 --> 00:31:59,751
‪記得在旁邊放兩瓶冰的百事可樂

522
00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:02,378
‪他抖完之後會很渴”

523
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:05,924
‪記得小時候我會想

524
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:07,842
‪“他們是在殘害他

525
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:11,387
‪他不該吃這麼多鮑魚和百事可樂”

526
00:32:20,229 --> 00:32:22,982
‪我不知道你們以為今天是來看誰

527
00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:35,161
‪我19歲的時候，他過世了

528
00:32:35,244 --> 00:32:36,621
‪我記得我問我哥

529
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:38,498
‪“他們要怎麼埋葬西索叔叔？”

530
00:32:38,581 --> 00:32:40,708
‪他說：“不知道”
‪我說：“我也不知道”

531
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,419
‪因為他躺平的時候
‪腳會翹起來，像橋一樣

532
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:52,220
‪我哥說：“妳好白痴”

533
00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:54,347
‪我說：“我知道怎麼辦”
‪他說：“怎麼辦？”

534
00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:55,264
‪我說：“很簡單

535
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:58,059
‪他們在棺木兩邊各挖一個洞

536
00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:00,812
‪把腳插一半進去，讓腿平放

537
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:04,399
‪我哥說：“妳真是蠢到不行

538
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:09,195
‪他們不會這樣”

539
00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:11,948
‪我說：“不然要怎樣？”
‪他說：“這還不簡單

540
00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:14,742
‪他腿瘸了，他們會讓他側躺

541
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,911
‪放在L形的棺材裡”

542
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:24,335
‪但最後不是這樣

543
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:28,089
‪他們最後打斷他的腿，讓他躺直

544
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:32,343
‪有夠慘，要死掉才能直直走路

545
00:33:36,764 --> 00:33:38,474
‪我常想到西索叔叔

546
00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:41,310
‪我們小時候經常幫他搞女人

547
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:44,439
‪幾個禮拜前我才想到：“天哪

548
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,816
‪我們幫西索叔叔上了那麼多女人

549
00:33:46,899 --> 00:33:52,113
‪爺爺沒有一次給我們保險套
‪讓我們幫他戴上”

550
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:55,283
‪他就這樣無套上了那些女的

551
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:59,328
‪每次他微笑，我們都以為他很高興

552
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:02,874
‪他可能是想說：“靠，我的屌著火了”

553
00:34:12,091 --> 00:34:13,551
‪告訴各位一件事

554
00:34:13,634 --> 00:34:16,345
‪我養了四個孩子，加上三批毒癮寶寶

555
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:21,142
‪這年頭，有兩件事
‪你沒辦法阻止小孩去做

556
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:23,853
‪就是抽大麻和當同志

557
00:34:28,316 --> 00:34:30,234
‪他們很愛抽大麻

558
00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:34,947
‪我21歲的兒子很愛抽大麻

559
00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:36,991
‪而且嗨起來會變很蠢

560
00:34:37,492 --> 00:34:39,410
‪有次我半夜2點半回家

561
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:42,622
‪我站在門口，他嗨到看不到我

562
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:47,001
‪他站在那裡，穿著圍裙，戴著廚師帽

563
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:50,755
‪我不知道那些是哪來的

564
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:54,050
‪他在爐子上放了一整鍋油

565
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:56,886
‪鍋裡只有兩塊水牛城辣雞翅

566
00:34:58,054 --> 00:35:01,182
‪他在那邊翻動，好像在煮一家人的飯

567
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:05,978
‪我什麼都沒說

568
00:35:06,062 --> 00:35:09,524
‪直到他開始抽一堆紙巾

569
00:35:10,024 --> 00:35:12,985
‪我就說：“住手，那不是便宜貨

570
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:20,952
‪小子，那是有牌子的”

571
00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:26,290
‪包裝上有個人穿伐木工格子衫

572
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:32,713
‪因為我覺得我的小孩不懂得知足

573
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,883
‪小時候我們家沒有紙巾

574
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:39,846
‪我媽烤雞背肉和雞屁股的時候
‪都放在報紙上

575
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:49,438
‪我拿雞背肉和雞屁股的時候

576
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:51,899
‪好幾次上面都印了新聞標題

577
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,946
‪芝加哥昨晚九人遭殺害

578
00:36:07,123 --> 00:36:09,292
‪這種事讓我很想發脾氣

579
00:36:09,917 --> 00:36:11,544
‪還有一件事我也很氣

580
00:36:11,627 --> 00:36:13,880
‪我愛大家，所以我得老實說

581
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,340
‪白人女性，我非常愛妳們

582
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:19,010
‪但妳們不要再學黑人女性了

583
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:24,348
‪不要再把嘴唇整成黑人的樣子了

584
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:27,602
‪太大了，不適合白人

585
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:31,439
‪要整成黑人的嘴唇
‪要有非洲人的顴骨

586
00:36:31,522 --> 00:36:33,649
‪臉上弄一個黑人的嘴

587
00:36:33,733 --> 00:36:36,819
‪眼窩會下垂，眼睛就會乾澀

588
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:41,657
‪別再這樣了

589
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,994
‪而且也不好看，很像腫脹的鮑魚

590
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:50,208
‪我告訴妳們，白人男性也不喜歡

591
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:52,543
‪妳們用黑人嘴唇吸他們的屌

592
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,671
‪白人男性喜歡薄嘴唇吸他們的屌

593
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,468
‪不喜歡嘴唇比屌還大

594
00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:12,230
‪整妳們擅長的就好了，妳們最愛隆乳

595
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,399
‪妳們從中學就開始隆乳

596
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:19,445
‪黑人女性隆乳絕對失敗

597
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:22,949
‪因為幫我們弄頭髮的
‪也是幫我們隆乳的

598
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:26,535
‪假髮兼隆乳，只要89美元

599
00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:33,209
‪但有件事我很喜歡

600
00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:37,588
‪我很喜歡看到白人領養黑人小孩

601
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,634
‪我覺得那是人間的美事

602
00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:44,637
‪把多元文化帶進你家

603
00:37:45,137 --> 00:37:47,139
‪但我必須老實說

604
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:51,435
‪看到白人養黑人小孩
‪有些黑人會不高興

605
00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:55,106
‪我跟他們說：“閉嘴，你又不認識他”

606
00:37:57,149 --> 00:37:59,777
‪你自己的小孩可能都被強制帶走了

607
00:38:00,736 --> 00:38:03,281
‪我承認，有件事會讓我不太高興

608
00:38:03,364 --> 00:38:06,993
‪就是白人媽媽在大賣場推嬰兒車
‪裡面坐著黑人寶寶

609
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:11,080
‪寶寶的嘴巴乾到變灰
‪好像剛嗑過古柯鹼蛋糕

610
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:16,544
‪我這個黑人媽媽完全知道

611
00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:18,754
‪該怎麼處理那個黑人寶寶

612
00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:20,256
‪我就走過去

613
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:24,844
‪滋潤他的嘴巴

614
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,890
‪但我就開始思考一件事

615
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:34,145
‪白人老是去領養黑人小孩

616
00:38:34,228 --> 00:38:36,731
‪我問在場的幾個白人

617
00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:40,735
‪我不是要找誰的麻煩，但我問一下

618
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:43,654
‪你們注意過
‪黑人不會領養白人小孩嗎？

619
00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:48,492
‪不是因為我們有種族歧視之類的

620
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:52,330
‪我們不會養白人小孩，因為太花錢了

621
00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:56,375
‪我們不會去領養白人小孩

622
00:38:56,459 --> 00:38:59,378
‪我們得開始買有牌子的乳液

623
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:04,091
‪各位，可可油只要三塊錢

624
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:07,887
‪你不能在白人小孩身上擦可可油

625
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:09,764
‪讓他出去曬太陽

626
00:39:11,974 --> 00:39:13,601
‪他會著火

627
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:17,563
‪這是仇恨犯罪，要坐牢的

628
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:22,318
‪你只是想幫他擦點防曬油

629
00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:29,283
‪但我就覺得，妳們知道嗎？

630
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:33,037
‪黑人女性
‪我們如果開始多領養白人小孩

631
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:34,997
‪就能解決國家的一個問題

632
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,500
‪政府一直假裝不曉得如何解決

633
00:39:38,292 --> 00:39:39,335
‪也就是

634
00:39:39,919 --> 00:39:41,587
‪學校槍擊事件

635
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:46,634
‪搞清楚，黑人會開車射擊
‪不會掃射學校

636
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:50,721
‪有個黑人媽媽，你不能去掃射學校

637
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:54,100
‪她會出面干擾槍擊事件

638
00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,270
‪黑人媽媽會去學校

639
00:39:58,354 --> 00:39:59,730
‪頭戴軟布帽

640
00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:01,524
‪那是包頭髮的

641
00:40:02,608 --> 00:40:04,902
‪穿著中空裝

642
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:08,697
‪還有慢跑褲，屁股寫著“多汁”

643
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:12,868
‪穿著髒髒的雪地靴

644
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:17,915
‪大喊：“小查爾斯克雷格三世！”

645
00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,836
‪我知道你不會來這裡浪費我的子彈

646
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:27,091
‪你以為子彈會從樹上冒出來嗎？

647
00:40:28,467 --> 00:40:30,553
‪你這個自私的白人

648
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:35,141
‪早上你穿長大衣出門

649
00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:36,934
‪我就知道有鬼

650
00:40:39,353 --> 00:40:40,855
‪你留下了聲明

651
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:43,858
‪我知道你以為我不會看”

652
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:48,404
‪他們會寫下殺人的原因

653
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:58,747
‪我要黑人想一下這件事

654
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:01,167
‪他們老是領養我們的小孩

655
00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:03,294
‪最後都發展得不錯

656
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:05,337
‪像《攻其不備》的劇情

657
00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:09,675
‪在《攻其不備》裡
‪一個黑人走在路上

658
00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:13,220
‪一個白人女性收留他
‪讓他打進國家美式足球聯盟

659
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,390
‪我的意思是
‪你們不想要一個阿姆嗎？

660
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:21,353
‪走一趟白人貧民區的拍賣會

661
00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:27,359
‪你沒聽錯

662
00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:32,781
‪我要拿著曲棍球棒去

663
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:35,743
‪一個白人小孩走過來

664
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:37,661
‪“喂，白人小子，你會饒舌嗎？

665
00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:40,998
‪唱一下《我的大名》

666
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:46,462
‪真正的痞子請站起來好嗎？

667
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,882
‪算了，你不會饒舌

668
00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:51,342
‪你會打曲棍球嗎？

669
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:53,427
‪你會開快車嗎？”

670
00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:55,387
‪可以去開賽車

671
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:01,685
‪白人小孩老是講：“我可以打籃球”

672
00:42:01,769 --> 00:42:03,395
‪我說：“給我坐下

673
00:42:04,104 --> 00:42:06,148
‪賴瑞柏德後繼無人了”

674
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:12,404
‪賴瑞柏德是白人的麥可喬丹

675
00:42:18,827 --> 00:42:21,247
‪拜託，你們年紀沒那麼小

676
00:42:23,624 --> 00:42:25,876
‪我的長女是同志

677
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,176
‪她可以舔你們所有人的下面

678
00:42:35,761 --> 00:42:37,930
‪真的，我的寶貝舔超多鮑魚

679
00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,723
‪我們都叫她小精靈小姐

680
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:49,191
‪但我早該知道她會很不一樣

681
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:52,319
‪有天我孩子的爸爸的老婆來敲門

682
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,492
‪她來敲門，說要找帕特

683
00:42:58,576 --> 00:42:59,577
‪我說：“我就是”

684
00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:02,538
‪她說：“我要告訴妳
‪妳在跟我老公上床”

685
00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:03,455
‪我嚇一跳

686
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:05,958
‪我說：“等一下，小姐
‪我怎麼會跟妳老公上床？

687
00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:07,293
‪他要先當妳男友

688
00:43:07,376 --> 00:43:09,670
‪嚴格來說，是妳在跟我男人上床”

689
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:13,632
‪她說：“妳幾歲？”，我說：“13歲”

690
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:15,509
‪她說：“出來，我們聊聊”

691
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:17,261
‪我走去外面跟她聊

692
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:20,014
‪我們站在轉角，我懷孕五個月
‪孩子是她老公的

693
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:21,890
‪賣冰的開車過來

694
00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:23,350
‪她問：“妳要吃冰嗎？”

695
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:25,936
‪我說：“好啊，我和妳繼子熱死了”

696
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:31,900
‪敞開心胸，這很好笑

697
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,904
‪她要求我把孩子拿掉

698
00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:38,073
‪我說：“為了吃冰而墮胎？”

699
00:43:39,658 --> 00:43:41,660
‪她只買一枝冰棒給我

700
00:43:41,744 --> 00:43:44,496
‪我說：“妳不買一整盒冰棒給我？”

701
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,750
‪我說：“去妳的，孩子我要留著”

702
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:51,170
‪我孩子的爸假裝他忘記年齡差距

703
00:43:51,253 --> 00:43:54,882
‪我12歲認識他，他當時21歲而且已婚

704
00:43:54,965 --> 00:43:56,675
‪去你的，管好你自己的事

705
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,054
‪他想告訴我

706
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,681
‪“妳很清楚，我不知道妳這麼小”

707
00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,767
‪我說：“你失憶了嗎？

708
00:44:05,392 --> 00:44:08,103
‪你當時是去小學載我的

709
00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:11,815
‪你以為我是誰？自助餐的媽媽？”

710
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:17,071
‪小學裡只有我的男朋友有車

711
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:19,865
‪我看著我朋友

712
00:44:19,948 --> 00:44:23,035
‪說：“叫妳們男友別騎腳踏車了”

713
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:32,378
‪我朋友說：“不對
‪叫那個老人別那麼常來載妳”

714
00:44:34,213 --> 00:44:37,049
‪我13歲懷孕，14歲生產

715
00:44:37,132 --> 00:44:39,843
‪有天凌晨四點，我把媽媽叫醒

716
00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:42,137
‪我說：“媽，我肚子好痛”

717
00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,306
‪我媽從熟睡中醒來，跳下床

718
00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:47,476
‪氣得半死，小短腿像屌一樣垂在那裡

719
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:51,230
‪開始吼叫：“連睡個覺都不行”

720
00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:53,732
‪她去把我妹叫醒

721
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:57,277
‪她說：“快起來，去打公共電話”

722
00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:58,904
‪我們家沒有電話

723
00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:02,866
‪“打電話報警
‪叫他們來載她，我要回去睡覺”

724
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:07,788
‪去你們的，別批評我媽
‪她那晚不想坐車

725
00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:12,042
‪我妹去公共電話報警，她回來之後

726
00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,962
‪不到五分鐘，他們就敲門…

727
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:17,339
‪“孩子生了嗎？”
‪我說：“孩子生了嗎？”

728
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:20,384
‪這個賤貨跟警察說孩子生出來了

729
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:24,054
‪我打開門說：“沒有，我只是肚子痛”

730
00:45:24,138 --> 00:45:26,932
‪他問：“妳能走到救護車上嗎？”
‪我說：“可以”

731
00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:29,017
‪我走到救護車，不騙你們

732
00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:32,688
‪他打開車門
‪裡面已經有人躺在擔架上

733
00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:37,317
‪他說，我家轉角有人肩膀被刺傷

734
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:40,863
‪我們打電話去，他們就順便來載我

735
00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:43,949
‪可是因為我比他還痛

736
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:46,660
‪他們叫他起來，讓我躺在擔架上

737
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:50,748
‪去醫院的路上，我子宮收縮

738
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,250
‪那個人抓著我的手說
‪“呼吸，寶貝，呼吸”

739
00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:54,960
‪我說：“你是哪位？”

740
00:45:57,087 --> 00:46:01,216
‪我去到醫院，生下一個四公斤的女娃

741
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:05,304
‪我得老實說，我沒有想要小孩

742
00:46:05,387 --> 00:46:08,182
‪我只想要一個椰菜娃娃

743
00:46:08,265 --> 00:46:10,058
‪和一張真的出生證明

744
00:46:11,935 --> 00:46:15,272
‪那個老傢伙讓我生了一個真的寶寶

745
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:18,192
‪生完兩個小時後，護士回來

746
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,778
‪她說：“小姐，妳要餵小孩”

747
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:22,362
‪我說：“用什麼餵？”

748
00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:24,865
‪她說：“用妳的乳房”

749
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:27,242
‪我才14歲，根本不懂哺乳

750
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:30,496
‪我把整個乳房放在我女兒的臉上

751
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,249
‪差點把她悶死

752
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:38,962
‪我抬頭看護士
‪我說：“護士，她好像不愛乳房”

753
00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:42,174
‪護士說：“妳在幹嘛？

754
00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:44,635
‪妳要把奶頭放進寶寶的嘴裡”

755
00:46:44,718 --> 00:46:46,470
‪我說：“好吧”

756
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,640
‪我把奶頭放進女兒的嘴裡

757
00:46:49,723 --> 00:46:51,934
‪她用力咬住奶頭

758
00:46:52,851 --> 00:46:56,355
‪我說：“護士，我沒辦法做這件事”

759
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:00,067
‪她問：“為什麼？”，我說：“靠

760
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:03,904
‪我的奶頭很敏感
‪吸我的奶就要幹我”

761
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:15,082
‪你們知道嗎？我女兒現在還在吸奶頭

762
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:18,919
‪哺乳把我的寶寶變成同志

763
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:25,467
‪她超愛女生，每次去她家
‪都看到不同的女生

764
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:27,761
‪我跟那些婊子說：“別惹我女兒

765
00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:29,429
‪她會把妳吃掉，拋棄妳”

766
00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:34,852
‪我說：“她會把妳當外賣”

767
00:47:37,187 --> 00:47:39,690
‪我女兒說：“媽，妳別管閒事

768
00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:42,818
‪我跟我女友要去買東西，妳在家等”

769
00:47:42,901 --> 00:47:47,573
‪我坐在她家
‪心想：“我女兒有夠愛女生”

770
00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:51,451
‪“這兩個嘎吱作響的女人都在幹嘛？”

771
00:47:53,036 --> 00:47:54,955
‪我用“嘎吱作響”來形容

772
00:47:55,038 --> 00:47:57,374
‪因為我覺得兩個黑鮑魚碰在一起

773
00:47:57,457 --> 00:48:00,252
‪發出的聲音就像踩到一包多力多滋

774
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:09,136
‪先生，可以傳一些過來嗎？

775
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:14,683
‪我下面雜草叢生的時候
‪就是那種聲音

776
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:21,899
‪所以我決定一探究竟

777
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:23,275
‪我打開她的衣櫃

778
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:29,197
‪那天我學到
‪女同志的衣櫃都有一個東西

779
00:48:29,281 --> 00:48:32,242
‪放在左邊最上面的架子上

780
00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:35,996
‪叫做假屌箱

781
00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:40,792
‪我到處亂翻，把那個假屌箱打翻

782
00:48:40,876 --> 00:48:44,212
‪假屌都掉下來，上面還有吸盤蛋蛋

783
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:49,343
‪東西掉在油氈地板上

784
00:48:49,426 --> 00:48:52,554
‪我往後看，假屌在那裡左右搖擺

785
00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:57,643
‪好像在二手車場招攬生意

786
00:49:01,146 --> 00:49:02,898
‪你們知道要把吸盤假屌

787
00:49:02,981 --> 00:49:05,525
‪從油氈地板上拔起來有多難嗎？

788
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:09,154
‪不能直接拔起來

789
00:49:09,237 --> 00:49:11,239
‪要把它們拉到地毯上

790
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,620
‪像拖屍體一樣

791
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:20,958
‪大搞同性戀

792
00:49:23,669 --> 00:49:27,005
‪有次我跟女兒去紐約玩

793
00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:29,925
‪只有我們兩個，逛了一整天回來

794
00:49:30,008 --> 00:49:32,803
‪我在她的包包裡找鑰匙

795
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:35,514
‪就我們兩個去玩，我在她的包包下面

796
00:49:35,597 --> 00:49:39,559
‪拉出一個穿戴式陽具
‪接在空手道的腰帶上

797
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:49,987
‪我說：“我們兩個出來玩
‪妳幹嘛帶穿戴式陽具？”

798
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:54,658
‪她看著我說：“媽，以免我需要幹人”

799
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:00,539
‪我說：“就我們兩個

800
00:50:01,498 --> 00:50:03,041
‪妳要幹妳媽？”

801
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:07,921
‪嚇死我了，我睡覺都不敢閉眼睛

802
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:13,343
‪寶貝，沒有人可以用冰冷的屌幹我

803
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:17,514
‪我連冷的東西都不吃

804
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:21,643
‪我喜歡感受火熱的蛋蛋撞我的屁股

805
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:26,481
‪靠，我是成熟女人

806
00:50:26,565 --> 00:50:28,400
‪我喜歡蛋蛋跑到兩腿中間

807
00:50:28,483 --> 00:50:30,485
‪然後打回去，像在打網球

808
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,036
‪孩子是同志的話

809
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:42,956
‪你會需要跟他們好好談這件事

810
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,876
‪他們首先會說：“我天生就是同志”

811
00:50:45,959 --> 00:50:49,421
‪我說：“我很愛妳
‪我不知道妳是怎麼變同志的

812
00:50:50,797 --> 00:50:54,885
‪但如果妳跟妳爸一樣都愛舔鮑
‪妳就是英雄！”

813
00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:07,773
‪“媽，妳老愛開玩笑
‪我天生就是同志”

814
00:51:07,856 --> 00:51:10,525
‪我說：“照超音波時，妳不是同志”

815
00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:16,448
‪沒有照片拍到妳做這個動作
‪一張都沒有

816
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:29,961
‪但老實說，孩子是同志
‪妳會開始思考

817
00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:32,130
‪“我的寶貝怎麼會變同志？”

818
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:35,008
‪我吃太多辣醬嗎？

819
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:44,518
‪我有摔下樓梯嗎？

820
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:47,729
‪她出生時有舔我下面嗎？

821
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:57,155
‪這個滿猛的，我給你們多點時間

822
00:51:59,699 --> 00:52:00,826
‪我只是好奇

823
00:52:01,743 --> 00:52:03,411
‪但我可以告訴你們

824
00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:06,706
‪我可以大聊我的同志女兒

825
00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:10,502
‪但別人不能聊我的同志女兒
‪她是我的同志女兒

826
00:52:10,585 --> 00:52:12,504
‪謝謝，謝謝同志

827
00:52:16,424 --> 00:52:18,718
‪不騙你們，我很誠實

828
00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:21,138
‪她剛出櫃的時候，我覺得有點丟臉

829
00:52:21,221 --> 00:52:22,889
‪我閨蜜來我家

830
00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:25,934
‪“天啊，帕特，妳女兒是同志
‪我知道妳覺得丟臉

831
00:52:26,017 --> 00:52:28,311
‪我會超丟臉的，我懂妳的感覺

832
00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:29,521
‪妳覺得超丟臉”

833
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:31,940
‪我說：“婊子，妳女兒是香爐

834
00:52:34,484 --> 00:52:36,736
‪起碼我女兒知道她的屌在哪裡

835
00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:39,197
‪在左邊最上面的架子上”

836
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:48,748
‪希望各位今晚至少學到一件事情

837
00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:51,793
‪學會把生命中最陰暗的事情

838
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:53,962
‪當成笑話來看待

839
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:57,299
‪如果你能笑看這件事
‪就表示你能掌控這件事

840
00:52:57,382 --> 00:52:59,593
‪我不管小時候是不是有人

841
00:52:59,676 --> 00:53:01,595
‪把拇指插進你屁股裡

842
00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,598
‪如果指關節沒插進去，就代表你贏了

843
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:07,934
‪感謝亞特蘭大的觀眾，我是帕特女士

844
00:53:08,018 --> 00:53:09,102
‪謝謝

845
00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:48,266
‪字幕翻譯：黃英哲