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ANNOUNCER: Icon,
legend,
international recording star.
-She's none of these things yet. -
Boys, girls, gays and theys,
let's welcome to the stage,
two tons of fun, twisted steel and sex appeal,
Ms. Darienne Lake.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hello!
Hi!
Hi. There we go!
Thank God, I'm a loud mouth fucking bitch. Oh!
Does she need a microphone? No, she doesn't. Hi.
Does she need a railing to go down these two steps?
No!
-I'm calling OSHA, by the way. -
I'm calling OSHA. Oh, my God!
Thank you all for joining me on my fitness journey.
Down those two steps, I'm exhausted.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh, that's more exercise I've had all week.
Thank God I got a cocktail.
-Ooh! -
Get the show started off fucking right.
How's everybody doing?
Oh, yes!
Big girl is in the house, honey.
Big girl is in the house on her little fitness journey.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
And I know we got big girls in the audience today.
You don't need to applaud. I can hear you breathing.
It was a long walk here.
But that does not mean
that we are not big, gorgeous and sexy, and fuckable, honey.
Yes!
Hey, honey. Hi. Hi.
You know how to get a big girl like me in bed with you?
Piece of cake.
Ha-ha!
Oh, hi.
My voice isn't very deep, but my throat is.
-
I've got to say I'm quite the catch.
Because I don't run very fast.
-Uh-uh. No.
I know. My pantyhose won't even run.
My friend upstairs is, like, "Honey, your pantyhose are sagging at the ankles."
I'm, like, "I'm not wearing any."
Oh. Ha-ha. Ah.
But I will say, though, you know, I am single.
Shocker, I know.
Gasp!
Anybody single here? Single people?
People in relationships?
Fuck you.
-Uh, no.
Oh, I don't know why I'm single. I'm like an animal in bed.
-A possum. Uh... -
I just lie there and pretend like I'm dead.
And I don't have tics.
I'm actually, um, personally looking for,
like, a friend with benefits.
No, actually, I'm looking for a stranger with benefits.
I got enough fucking friends.
Oh, hi. Is anybody there?
Anybody single? Anybody looking?
Anybody want a big, fat, gorgeous lady like myself?
-Oh. No? Okay, thank you. Thank you. -
"I'm terrified. I'm scared."
My friends, they get sex all the time.
I mean, probably because they're built
like fucking Greek gods, you know?
Like, chiseled, just muscles out of marble,
-the tiny little dicks. Um... -
Uh, they do, they do.
My one friend, he looks like fucking Superman, you know?
And if I was lucky, I would look like Spider Veins.
I know, like, I'm on my feet a lot, you know,
-and I'm a hair stylist as well, so, you know? -
Oh! Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
-And I'm a slut, so I'm on my knees a lot. -
Uh, I've tried working out, though.
Um, at the gym, I'm like a ninja.
You'll never see me there.
My friend, David, was, like, "You know what?
"Maybe you should start small, like, do like the couch to 5K."
Do you know what that is? It's like,
"Oh, here's a little app or whatever," and it's like,
you go from the couch, and then before you know it, you do 5K,
and then before you know it, you're doing a fucking marathon.
-That's 26.2 fucking miles. -
No.
-Honey, I don't even want to drive 26.2 fucking miles. -
No. Gas is expensive.
Thanks, Joe Biden. Um...
Let's go, Brandon!
That was a test. And you all passed.
-Thank you. Thank you. -
I know we're here with the right audience, then.
Oh, yeah!
But, seriously, I mean, 26...
If your friend calls you up and they're, like,
"Hey, could you pick me up from the airport?
"I'm, like, 26.2 miles away."
Nope.
You should've called a better fucking friend.
Because that ain't me, honey.
No, I'm not doing no marathon anytime soon, honey.
-I'm actually in the fitness protection program... -
...so, I'm good, you know?
Do you guys work out? You guys are all... Come on.
-WOMAN 1: Yeah. -Yep.
Just you, fatty.
-Just... -
Thank you. Thank you.
I've tried everything, though. Like, I joined the Overeaters Anonymous.
-And the 30-day chip is a barbecue, so... -
Delish. I know.
-Somebody's in the program. Oh, I know. -
I'm holding out for the sour cream and cheddar. Ah!
Those are good.
You don't try those? They're good.
Once you pop, it's just like me, honey.
Oh, yeah. But Overeaters Anonymous is, um...
It's a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous.
Uh, you know, there's the 12 steps.
-Thankfully, they're not upstairs. -
Yeah.
But I think it's funny, though. It's, like,
Overeaters Anonymous.
-Anonymous. -
Nobody can tell that you're an overeater.
Nobody.
-Really? -
Anonymous.
And, mmm-hmm, there's... Big secret.
Yeah, but I've tried, like, the keto, the paleo,
the low carb, the Atkins, whatever it was.
You know, I realized, like, I'm just, like, a fucking, uh, carb-aholic.
I must be allergic.
Like, whenever I eat carbs,
blow up like a puffer fish.
-Um, delish, though.
And I tried that, uh,
Jared from the sandwich shop.
You know, the sandwich shop guy, the Jared, Subway...
-You know, "Eat fresh." Um... -
Jared from Subway. Do you remember Jared from the sandwich shop?
Yeah. Um,
that's where you, like, eat three sandwiches a day
and then have sex with underage boys.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Was he your friend?
-I didn't mean to offend your fucking friend. -
Isn't it funny that he started off
with, like, a mild cholesterol problem
and ended up with, like, a child molesterol problem?
Yeah. Yeah!
But for me, boys are like blackjack.
Anything over 21 is too much. Ha-ha.
Hit me! Hit me again.
-I like it rough. Uh... -
I tried the Richard Simmons diet.
Uh, that's where you get sick and then just wither away.
-Uh... -
Aw, poor Richard in his shorts.
-Yay! Uh... -
I got one of those fit watches, whatever, you know?
It's like an apple pie watch. Um...
But it's, like, you know... It gives you, like, little notifications,
and it's, like, "Hey, why don't you get up and get moving?"
Why don't I take you back to the fucking store where I got you from?
So, I threw it across the room.
But, um, you know, I tried, like, the food tracker apps
and stuff like that, or whatever.
So, I'm like, entering all my food,
and I'm like, "I'm gonna be good.
"I believe in myself.
"I can do this."
So I'm entering my food, it's 03:00 p.m.
and the app is, like,
"Maybe for dinner you should have a handful of sleeping pills."
Now, I don't know
if the app just told me to go to bed
because I've had enough to eat today,
or maybe it told me to fucking kill myself.
Either way, I'll give it a shot.
When I was a little boy, my mom took me
to Jazzercise classes and stuff.
I know somebody just went, "Boy?"
-Uh... -
I know. Did I not mention that I was a boy?
Oh, my God, I hope...
Does anybody not know that I'm a drag queen?
That I'm a man? That I'm a... You don't know?
Oh, my God. Wow!
Somebody take her to the eye doctor's. Thank you.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't know what gave it away. Was it the wig?
Ten pounds of makeup.
Uh, maybe it was the size 12...
Uh, 8 shoe.
Maybe it's that.
Maybe it's my arm hair.
-Um, it could be anything.
The deep voice. Thank you.
But I don't want to be a woman.
You know, like, I am a drag queen.
I am happy being a man.
-Um, you know, thank you. -
I know there are some people who are, you know, transgender,
and they believe that they are born in the wrong body.
It's like, God, you know, apparently, was like, "Oops."
Uh, didn't do his paperwork.
Um, so, you know, that is not me.
Like, I am very happy and very comfortable being a man in a dress.
-Performing for love, and applause and... -
And money.
Please buy my merchandise.
It's on my website. I don't have it.
-Um... -
All of it was made in America
by dreamer children in cages. Uh...
-I'm kidding. I know it's horrible.
It's horrible.
Please go out there and fucking vote.
And remember, if you're, like, a person who's not an ally, um,
-I hate you. No, but... -
But even if you are a straight person
who's like, "Well, it doesn't affect me."
Like, listen, abortion doesn't affect me.
I'm never going to have an abortion.
But I'm here for your fight.
-So, you've got to be for our fight. -
You know?
Let's get in a fight!
I like to perform for the love,
for the applause, for the money.
-Um... -
And for the occasional "straight dick."
-
Ah-ha.
-Or the curved dick, uh... -
Black dick, white dick, uh, brown dick, it don't matter.
-Uh, you know, spotted dick. Um... -
That... By the way, that's, like, a British pudding,
and I'm a fat hog,
so I... Spotted dick.
I don't care if it's an ombre dick.
You know, it's different colors.
I'm into it. I'm all there.
I love it. Uh...
But it's really hard, though, trying to date as a drag queen
because, you know, they're all like...
"If I wanted to be with a man, I'd be with a man,
"not somebody dressed like a woman."
All right.
So, I feel like drag queens are kind of like car accidents.
You know, everybody wants to see one,
but nobody wants to get involved in one.
But I will say, though,
like, I have been lucky, on occasion,
to get a boy to, you know...
Who's like, "You're pretty enough."
Uh...
Thank you.
-Little boost in my confidence here.
Thank you.
But I worked at this one club
where all the straight girls
would bring their straight boyfriends,
and then all the boyfriends would magically find their way,
backstage, down the steps to the basement,
all the way around the corner
to where the dressing rooms were.
Hi.
And there was this one boy, Sean...
I probably shouldn't use his name.
-Sean Spicer. No, um, so... -
So...
Actually, this boy, he was so cute.
He was my type because he was alive.
-And, um... -
I mean, nothing against dead guys.
They're nice, too.
Uh, but, you know, it's not the same fight.
Uh, so...
Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.
So, this boy comes sniffing around.
Drag sniffers, is what we used to call them.
I mean, we used to call them tea chasers,
but we don't use that word anymore.
Um, so he comes sniffing around and stuff.
And he's like, ooh, so cute.
Cute little, tight little, dirty little, white trash, trade body,
You know? You know the type, trade?
You know, that's where you trade sex for money.
-Um, so, gorgeous little thing.
So, he comes downstairs.
And he's like, "Yeah, you wanna suck my dick?"
And I was like, "Oh, maybe."
"I don't know. Maybe, you know, I got time."
Oh.
Yeah, straight boys, ugh.
Even spaghetti's straight till you get it hot and wet.
-
So then he pulls out his dick,
very manageable.
Aww.
Aww. Mmm.
So cute.
So then he tried to do the helicopter with it, you know?
Do you know what that is?
Some of the guys know. It's, like, when you take it out and...
It was a fidget spinner.
And I have ADD, so it's cool, um...
So, I was like, "Ooh, let me play with it."
So, I was like, "Okay, I'll suck your dick."
His girlfriend's banging on the door,
-but it's fine. Um... -
So, I get down there. Just like, "Ooh, let me. Okay."
And I grab his dick. I grab his dick.
"Oh, my God, it's the biggest thing I've ever seen."
"I don't know if I can take it all the way."
So, I started sucking his dick, and he's like, "Oh, yeah."
So then, you know, I'm tickling the balls as you do.
-You know? -
-Dad taught me. And, uh... -
Tickling the balls and stuff,
I start sliding my fingers, there's the taint, because they love that.
It was... A little... Mmm.
And then, you know, start tickling the asshole,
and getting that finger, getting ready.
And he's like, "Oh, yeah."
So, you know, you can't just, like, fucking, you know, just...
You know?
This is not like a no-knock-warrant situation,
like, "Open up, the police!"
-Um...
You gotta, you know, like, ring the doorbell a little bit.
Ding dong. Anybody home?
He's like, "Ah!" So, one finger goes in.
So nice.
And he's like, "Oh, yeah."
And I was like, "Oh, yeah."
-Ding dong, ding Dong.
Let me grab two fingers.
Oh!
Get the taste out of my mouth.
That's better. Okay.
You say, "Ew," but really, when it's too clean,
you're like, "This doesn't taste like anything."
-Anyway, um... -
Just me? All right.
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.
I'm like, "Oh, this is good."
And so, I'm like, "If he takes three fingers..."
I mean, I'm not normally a top,
but if he takes three fingers, he's...
I mean, that's... The girth, not the length.
I'm like, "He's ready for fucking."
-Uh... -
So, I'm like, "Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong."
-Oh. Ha-ha.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
WOMAN: Oh., no!
WOMAN: Oh!
-Zip. Bye. All right. -
So, he took off, and, um...
So, then I sat down there at my makeup table,
and grabbed a makeup wipe to clean my fingers.
I know. It happens.
Straight guys, come on, wash your assholes.
-Do we have straight people here?
Straight guys, straight guys, where are you?
Yeah, a baby wipe.
Just something.
You know, get a bidet. They're fantastic.
Especially in the summertime. That brisk cold water. Ooh!
All right. Gets you going. Whoo!
I tried one of those coffee enemas.
Uh, word to the wise, cool the coffee down first.
I'm awake, but I'm, like, medium rare.
-Uh... -
Anyway, so, I'm wiping my finger, and I was like,
"Wait a second, I know three fingers went in,
"and I only have two fingernails left."
"Have fun pooping."
I was like...
But then I was, like, "Godammit, that was, like,
"a champagne fucking French-tip
"with the crystals on it."
I was mad. I wanted it back!
I was like, "Where did that motherfucker go?"
I was like, "Drag is expensive."
It is fucking expensive. Are you kidding me?
That's why we're constantly asking you for our money.
Like, I actually registered my drag as a non-profit
because it doesn't make any profits.
Oh, my God, it's horrible.
So, it's like, you know, there's so many things that you have to buy.
the tits and shit.
And, like, the boobs, hip pads, dresses.
Um, and, you know, I have my foundation.
Uh, and my lipstick, and my mascara,
and eyelashes, and all that stuff.
Actually, I will say, like,
I try to give back, um, to the gay community,
to the straight community, to everybody,
because, you know, that's really, I think, so important these days.
Um, all the money that I'm raising, even tonight,
is going to help the sick children.
Jose Cuervo, Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam...
Lil' Tito. Can't think about Tito.
I love the booze!
All my life, I've enjoyed it.
Even when I was a little kid, my favorite game was playing
"Duck, duck, Grey Goose."
Uh, now I do shots of insulin.
-Uh...
Oh.
But the cool thing about wearing a corset, though,
is you drink alcohol, and it just sort of sits up here,
and it won't go through your fucking body because it's so goddamn tight.
It's... It's...
And then you take it off, and it all hits you like a fucking Four Loko.
-* I'm drunk -
* I'm fucking wasted
"Hi. What are you doing? Are you single? Hi."
For granted.
But ladies know the best part of the day is, like, taking your bra off
at the end of the day.
Ah, just...
But even better is when you then take your dick out
from between your legs, like...
Ah! It's the best fucking feeling.
Ah!
You scratch it, um...
With two fingernails.
And, uh...
Every now and then, I get in drag just to make myself a sandwich.
"Make me a sandwich, bitch."
Okay. -
She's misogynistic, um, she's crazy.
She's insane.
My roommate, he actually thinks
that I'm schizophrenic.
Joke's on him. I don't have a roommate.
So...
But, um, every now and then,
I get a little bit tipsy, a little bit tipsy,
and then I pass out in my makeup.
And... Anybody else do that?
Thank you.
And then you wake up, and your fucking pillow
-looks like the Shroud of Turin, you know? -
I was like, "Ooh, maybe Jesus was a drag queen."
Um, or maybe the last supper was barbecue,
and it's just like a wet nap.
-
I know, I swear to God, if you hear a crack of thunder,
I might get smited by God. All right.
So, this, I mean, you know, this is expensive makeup as well.
Drag queen. Expensive.
I can't... This is not Wet n Wild, honey,
This is not... It ain't Covergirl, honey,
because Covergirl doesn't cover boy.
No, this is Sherwin-Williams.
Home Depot.
This is hardware store paint, you know, in a semi-gloss.
-Um, okay, she's dewy. -
Yeah, and, um... And, of course, you know, the corsets.
So, if anybody does have a gun and wants to shoot me,
don't worry, steel bones.
-Yeah, I know.
Corsets are great because they just sort of, like,
squeeze everything like toothpaste,
from the middle, just...
Yeah. Hi.
I love your blouse.
Mmm-hmm. They call me, like, a blouse, too, because I'm a soft top.
No, I'm kidding. No, uh...
No, these actually aren't my titties.
These are my testicles.
-Uh... -
I shaved them for you. You're welcome.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, I got them done at press crafters in about an hour.
-Uh, so... I know. -
Some of the drag queens, they wear those, like, tit bibs.
You know, like, the breastplate things or whatever.
This is grade-A, all-beef.
-No filler. -
Yeah.
Those breastplates smell like Band Aids and old condoms.
And these smell like shaving cream.
Uh, I shave them. Thank you.
It actually, um...
It's a Nerf basketball that I cut in half,
and then just squish everything, and...
Do you want to see it?
WOMAN: Yeah!
That costs extra.
-Um... -
And then, of course, as a drag queen,
I, also, um... I wear hip pads.
Hip pads, to give myself that hour- and-a-half-glass figure.
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
They're actually made out of, uh, foam.
-Dusty. Um... -
Couch foam.
Yeah, you don't know. And we take the couches,
and we take those, um... The turkey knives or whatever
that you use to carve up the turkey, and we just...
Because they cut the foam, just so you can shape it,
and give yourself that gorgeous little figure.
Ooh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Yeah.
I'm wearing your sectional sofa right now...
-...is basically what I'm saying.
So, I guess now is a good time as any
to come out as trans-sectional.
"Don't make fun of me."
I'm not. I'm making fun of me.
Okay? Thank you.
"She's trans-sectional."
Yeah. The kids like to play on me.
Okay, um...
I know. More cushion for the pushin'.
Literally, more cushion for the pushin'.
So, actually, these hips are made out of a pull-out couch.
And judging by the stains on them,
now you know why it's called a pull-out couch.
Uh...
My mom is very Catholic,
and so she believed in, like, the rhythm method
and the whole pull-out method.
And she had five kids.
So, she was not very good at the pull-out game at all.
I mean, she should have listened to Gloria Estefan
when she said, "The rhythm is going to get you."
* Tonight
Yes. Five kids. We grew up out on Long Island.
-Uh... -WOMAN 2: Yeah!
Is somebody here from Long Island?
Oh, my God, how fantastic. Hi.
What part?
-WOMAN 3: Suffolk. -Oh.
Well, it's beautiful out there.
No, actually, I'm from Long Island,
out on North Babylon, Suffolk County.
I lost my accent. I don't talk like I used to.
But I'm the middle child of five kids.
Um, boy, boy, me, girl, girl.
Yeah.
Physical abuse on one side and mental abuse on another.
Thank you. Thank you.
-I guess I'm what you call the "transitional" child. -
My parents prayed a little too hard for a girl third time around.
Yeah, I'll meet you halfway.
Oh, oh. Ha-ha.
Who knows which half. Um, so...
But my parents, probably, they must've, you know,
known I was, like, you know, "different."
You know, a little queer, a little...
Um, because, like... So, my older brothers,
they had, like, this red onesie and stuff, you know?
So, my older brother had it, and then it was handed down to my next brother.
And so then he had it, and he grew really fast,
so they cut the legs off of it and stuff.
And then by the time I got it,
it had been washed so many times, that it had turned pink.
So, there I am, a little corny kid in a fucking pink romper,
-just like... -
-"Like my romper? It's got pockets." -
"It's got pockets." It's like girls with dresses.
"It's got pockets." Oh, my God, I love it. Oh.
Or then I put on my dad's, like, big t-shirt,
and he's like, "Oh, I'm proud of my boy."
And then I put a belt around it, and played Charlie's Angels.
"Cover me, Bri."
Oh, I mean, it was the '70s. You know, shocking.
Um, and so, like, they must have seen, like,
"Uh, this one's a little, you know," "a little crazy."
Um, I would, like, enter every room
like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway.
Do you remember, like, the beaded curtains?
Anybody old enough to remember, like, Greg Brady,
-and he had the beaded curtains and stuff? -
Hello. Wooden beads and stuff.
So, I'd enter every single room
like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway.
Gotta push them out of the way.
"Hi, everybody.
"Welcome to my den."
There I was, sitting on the floor,
playing with my sister's Barbies.
My mom saw that, and she was like,
"No, that is not a toy for boys."
Snatch.
So, then, she gave me a He-Man doll.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, it's my type.
Those big, huge muscles. You remember He-Man, right? Oh!
He can lift a ton. He can't spell it.
-
Oh, and it was like, his head, like, that page boy haircut.
It just... It just was shaped like a penis head.
-Uh... -
Felt like one. Uh...
I mean, you know, with enough lube.
-
Uh, wow. I was pretty faggoty.
-Uh... -
We have gay people here?
That's where there are. Get 'em! Get 'em! No.
But my brothers would always watch,
like, wrestling on the TV and stuff.
And, as a little gay kid, I was, like, "Whoa!"
So, they're watching wrestling and stuff,
and I'm sitting there on the couch,
just leapfrogging the pillows.
"Yeah. Pin him down."
"Pin him down like that."
I'm just pretending like John Cena is going to put me
between The Rock and a hard place.
Do you guys remember, like, wrestling in school?
Wrestling in school, that was fun.
You know, going into my teen years
when you're starting to develop and stuff, you know?
And my boo-boos were coming in.
Um, do you remember... Ugh.
Do you remember, like, the first position and stuff?
No, you don't?
Do you want me to teach you?
Because you're in the front here.
Okay. Come here.
Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't trip.
-Don't trip over the...
Don't smash the light. I gotta pay for it.
Okay. Hi.
-What is your name? -Ryan.
-Ryan. Are you heterosexual? -Absolutely not.
I can tell by the way you're dressed.
I could tell by the way you're dressed.
I know. It's a great combination.
Okay, so, you don't remember high school,
like, wrestling and stuff?
Okay, So I'll let you...
Maybe this will refresh your memory.
-Okay. So, the first position, all right? -
This is great. The greatest thing about school,
like, in wrestling, they're, like, "Okay,
"we're going to line everybody up by weight class."
So, that's why I picked you, because I figured, "Huh. Close enough."
-Um... -
No. But seriously, it was like, little twink, little twink, little twink,
normal-sized person,
a normal-sized...
The butch guy, the bully, the coach.
And then me.
I was 12. Um, so,
I was, like, "It's okay. I'm heavy enough."
Okay. So, first position.
-All fours. Uh... -
-This is... -
This is Greco-Roman wrestling, okay?
So, there I am, the second person,
he puts his hand here on your shoulder.
Does anybody... Anybody remember this from school?
Oh, my God, was it just me? Did I go to a faggoty school?
It's probably Catholic school. So, he puts his hand here.
So, then he also puts his...
Oh, God, I'm going to kneel down. Jesus fucking Christ.
I may never get up.
Um, I'm going to get it up, but I'm never going to get up.
There. That's right.
So, then he puts his other leg here
in his crotch, like, here,
and then he reaches the other hand around
to caress your boobies.
I was, like, "Oh. This is gay."
If you ever watch, like, high school wrestling, this is how it starts.
Oh, your nipples are hard.
You smell nice, too.
What was your name again?
-Ryan. -I don't care.
And so, there I am, 12-years-old,
trying not to get a boner in sweatpants.
I'm like, "Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing."
I know. This is... Are you feeling good?
You are sturdy. I like you, Ryan.
Thank you. Um, so then...
Look at that. She got up.
Okay. You can get up.
Ryan, I want to say thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Ryan, for the demonstration.
Thank you.
So, that is seriously the starting position
for, like, Greco-Roman wrestling in high school and stuff.
And sometimes, they're like, "Oh, we're going to do shirts against skins."
That's where, skins, you have to take your shirt off.
I'm like, "Wow, this is faggoty."
-Um... And I'm into it.
So, there I am.
And I'm, like, on top of the coach,
because that's the only one in my weight class.
And there I am, with my dick against his ass.
And I'm like, "Ooh!"
-"Put me in, coach." Uh... -
"Put me in, coach!"
I won't say that on an airplane.
-But, "Put me in, coach." -
I'm like, "Whoo!" Oh.
So, then they blow the whistle. He starts it.
He flips me over on to that fucking mat so goddamn fast.
Wham! And I was, like...
He's like, "I win." I'm like, "I think we both win, sir."
Uh. And now I wonder why I have a daddy fantasy, you know?
It's, like, "Ooh, I love the daddies."
I think I'm... Jesus Christ.
They're moving on.
I'm making butter.
All right.
Oh, yeah. So, I love the daddies.
I was with this guy last night,
um, and he was like, "Yeah, you want to call me Daddy?"
And I'm like, "Can I just call you Dad,
"and you just say you're proud of me?"
Anybody else? Yeah.
So, I called him Daddy.
Uh, and then he called me a cab,
-and, uh... -
Which is fair, because I was wearing a yellow dress.
"You're a cab."
Anyway. I know.
I know. Are they still yellow? Who takes it... All right. Anyway
Uh. But my dad, though, he actually noticed...
He noticed that I was getting a little, you know...
Like, apparently, in my family,
I don't have any cousins, aunts, uncles... Nobody's gay.
I'm the only fruit on my family tree, like...
WOMAN: Whoo!
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Random genetic fabulosity. That's what it is.
Yeah. So, he always wanted to butch me up.
He's, like, "Throw a ball! I want you to throw a ball.
"Just fucking throw a ball."
I'm, like, "All right, God."
So, then I finally threw a ball, and he didn't even attend.
I mean, I don't blame him, you know?
It's one of those, like, Eyes Wide Shut sex balls
but, you know...
Like, I'm never going to have sex with my dad.
Ew, gross.
He's a horrible kisser, and that is a dealbreaker in my house.
I'm just kidding. He's really good.
-Uh, anyway... -
Grabs the hands.
Oh, that is fucking twisted.
That was twisted. I know.
I was, like, "Oh, my God, Mom, how did I end up this fucking twisted?
"Did you drop me on my head as a baby?"
And she's like...
"Hon, you got to be held to be dropped."
I was, like, "Holy fucking shit.
"Wow! I'm going to make a therapist very rich someday."
I know. I was, like, "Did you smoke while you were pregnant?"
She was like, "Uh, only when I drank."
Um...
That was the '70s, man. The '70s were fucking wild.
I don't know if anybody is old enough to remember that shit.
Jesus, just me?
-Thanks. Wow. Thank you. -
I'm the chaperone today. You kids be good now.
No, the '70s were wild.
I mean, I don't know how I ended up so fucked up.
It could have been, like, the leaded paint,
the leaded gasoline that we had,
the Teflon pans that would just scrape off into your food,
and just pepper it with some flavoring and cancer.
Oh, remember Shrinky Dinks?
Shrinky Dinks?
Yeah, you take plastic and put it in the oven.
-And then bake it at 500 fucking degrees. -
That smells great.
No wonder why I got fucking cancer.
Jesus. Don't worry, they cut it all out of me. It's fine.
Uh, true story. You know, wear sunscreen, kids.
-Oh. Good times.
I know. That actually is a true story.
I actually did end up with a little melanoma.
Uh, so get your skin checked.
And if anybody... You know, Ryan,
if you need me to check your body...
You know, I'm here for you.
You know? Are you with your boyfriend?
Oh. Oh. See?
Do you have a boyfriend?
Oh. Oh! Oh, hi.
I don't either.
Ah, so, yeah. So, you know, cancer. Good times, fun.
But you know what, though? They say one in two people
will get cancer in their lifetime.
So, I took one for the team.
Uh, so, you're welcome.
And so, now, of course, since I had the skin cancer,
I'm back to being a fat kid
wearing a t-shirt in the goddamn pool.
So, any other fat kids had to wear the pool t-shirt,
and they're like, "Oh, this will cover my boobies."
No.
-Now you're just in a wet t-shirt contest. -
* Pour some sugar on me
Yeah. And in the, you know, '70s and '80s,
like, there were the latchkey kids.
I don't know if... Anybody a latchkey kid?
That's where, you know,
you didn't have a babysitter or anything like that.
There was nobody for you.
Your parents give you a key, and you just let yourself in the house.
But I didn't think I was a latchkey kid
because they never gave me a key to the house.
I, like, was lucky if I got the fucking code
to the garage door opener.
So, I would sit there and play with myself...
-By myself, and... -
I'd usually hide up in the attic
and play with my dad's porno magazines.
Every dad has, like, a stash of porno magazines, right?
And, of course, I would sit there and go through them,
you know, for the "articles."
Because those were the pages that weren't stuck together.
I know. Oh. How? This is all making sense, isn't it?
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm saving a lot of money on therapy this week.
But I would sit there, and I would go through the magazines,
and I would find the centerfold and stuff,
and she was like, "Ooh, my turn-ons are,
"mmm, big packages."
I was like, "Oh, I love presents."
-"Me, too. Oh, my God."
"Pizza." "Oh, fuck. I love pizza. Shit, yeah.
"Oh, my God. Me, too."
"I'm a Sagittarius."
"I'm a Sagittarius, too, Oh, my God! Yeah."
"Turn-offs, 'Guys with hairy backs.'" I was like...
I don't know. I mean, I...
At least you know you're fucking a man.
-Uh... -
Not so bad. Yeah. Um...
So, yeah, turn-offs.
And I was like, "Wow, I really decided that, um,
"there's probably no chance in hell
"that I'm going to be straight."
There's no... No chance in hell.
And my mom kind of had a clue.
She was very Catholic,
and so she decided to sign me up to be an altar boy.
I know, you're like, "Oh. Ooh." But I mean, free dress.
Sips of the communion wine and, you know...
You know, I love that... Yeah.
So, I was like, "Yeah, sign me up."
And then, the ability to be on stage.
I was like, "Oh my God." And he's like, "It's an altar."
-"Show some fucking respect."
I was like, "Oh, okay."
So, Father, Daddy, whatever, uh...
So, with the altar boy, it's like,
"Okay, we're going to the altar," and stuff,
and you sit there, and you kneel down on the steps,
and you have your bells and everything.
I'm like, "Okay, am I stage left or stage right?"
-"It's an altar."
Did you hear there was a gay guy who went to church
because he heard there was a man hung like this?
Oh, my God...
If you hear a crack of thunder...
-And smell bacon.
You know I've been smited by God. Anyway...
So, during part of the performance
of Jesus and the whatevers...
He's like, "This is my body," and he grabs the Eucharist...
You know, the...
You know, the bread,
the chip, the whatever the fuck it is.
I know. Oh, my God, I'm going right to hell,
in a Gasoline wig and a paper dress.
Um, so...
So, I'm sitting there, and he's like, "This is the body of Christ.
"Eat it in memory of me."
And then you ring the bells.
And it's like, ooh, joyous.
So, the priest stares me down.
-I was like, "What the fuck did I do? Jesus." -
So, then we go back into the back of the rectory,
and he's like, "All right,
"next time you ring the bells, could you do it below your head?"
-I'm like, "Whoo!" -
* You can ring my bell *
Swear to God, I am going to get smited by God, I tell you.
And when I die, I think I want my remains
spread around an amusement park.
I want, like, you know, maybe my head at Magic Mountain.
-You know, I don't want to be cremated. -
Why bother? Head at Magic Mountain,
my leg over at Rapid Rivers.
My penis at It's a Small World.
Not 'cause it's small.
'Cause it's been around a lot of daddies,
waiting to put their kids inside of me.
Oh!
And then the kids start to slide out.
Like those crappy carnivals and, like, Ashtabula.
You know, whoa!
I know, it's horrible. Don't get on those things.
Gross. I'm disgusting. Thank you.
Honestly, if I was cremated,
I'd burn like a fucking tire fire.
It's just all this fucking plastic and foam.
But my mom prayed very hard for me to be straight and everything,
and her prayers were finally answered.
The answer was, "No."
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
All the boys who are just lining up to date me.
Thank you. Yeah.
So, I guess my career as an altar boy has been ended.
So, now I'm an, "altered boy".
-Thank you. Thank you. -
I know. Maybe I just wasn't the priest's type.
So...
I mean, I think I was a cute kid
because there was this windowless white van
that always used to pull up on my block.
Yeah, he was like,
"You want some candy?"
And I was like,
"What kind of candy?"
"Hard candy!"
"Come back when you have chocolate."
Maybe Butterfingers.
So buttery, and they slide right in.
Uh... I know.
He couldn't throw me in the van if he tried.
I was a fat kid.
"Use your legs."
All right, you know... But I probably wasn't very cute.
But look at me now.
I know. Oh, my God. Pandering.
I know. Even as a man, like, all the time, like, women...
Women tell me all the time, "I wish you weren't gay."
And by women, I mean my mother.
-And... -
But then, you know, I wasn't an altar boy.
So, then, you know, the '80s came along, and I was a teenager,
and getting ready for my sexual, like, "Ooh, this is... I'm ready."
And it was the late '80s. Wow.
Coming out of the closet in the late '80s is a great idea, right?
I don't know if everybody remembers the '80s, and coming out as gay,
but I'll inform you that there was a "cancer" that was going around,
sort of destroying the gay community.
It was called the Reagans.
Nancy Reagan, that fucking throat goat slut!
Did you guys know about that? Her throat got stretched...
Yes, I know. She's making her...
So, apparently, all the men in Hollywood,
they were asked, "Who gave the best head?"
They were like, "Nancy Reagan."
Nancy fucking Reagan?
Jesus Christ. That fucking pinched bitch!
Just say no.
She had so many fucking face lifts.
That's how I think she kept her throat
-nice and tight. -
That face has more stitches than the AIDS Quilt.
Listen, I can make that joke
because I have friends on the fucking quilt. All right?
AUDIENCE: Aww.
It's sad, but true.
But you know what, though? That's how we honor them. Thank you.
-Yeah.
It was the AIDS epidemic that had come along, late '80s.
You know, it was like everything's, "AIDS, AIDS, AIDS."
"You're going to get AIDS."
"You drinking a glass out of somebody. You're going to get AIDS."
I was like, "Wow, maybe I should come out of the closet."
No.
So, it was a really rough time to be, you know, a teenager
coming into your sexually...
You know, your blossoming of your sexuality.
And with AIDS being there, everybody thought, like...
You know, when somebody would die, one of our friends,
they'd be like, "Mmm, was it... Was it AIDS?"
I was like, "No, it was a plane crash."
"Did he die of AIDS on the plane
-"before it crashed?' -
Like, that's how fucking bad it was. You can look this up.
By the way, there was an airline
that decided not to pay full benefits
to people who had died in a plane crash
because they were HIV-positive.
-Yeah.
This is fucking true. You can google it.
Not now, but you can google it.
I know, it was horrible.
And it was such a horrible thing for us, as gays,
to try and come out.
So, my parents saw me, sort of, coming into my own,
and they were like, "Well, we'll put a stop to this."
They moved me up to Rochester, New York.
-Wow.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Are you from Rochester? -MAN: I went to school there.
You went to school there? See, that's Rochester, you know.
Oh. Rochester is like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Everybody knows somebody who suffered.
Np, but, like, Rochester, New York, you know,
there's only one gay bar, and it's only gay on Thursdays.
So, you know, you're like, "Yeah, I can come out."
But Rochester, New York, is kind of like a theme park as well.
Uh, if the theme is sadness and despair.
I know. The leaves fall off the trees in the fall,
not because it's getting cold, they just die of boredom.
So, we moved to the suburbs, into a little cul-de-sac,
which is French for a "dead end," I think.
Um, I don't speak French.
French people give me the crepes.
I love a dad joke.
Love daddies, I love dad jokes, you know.
So, instead of going to gay bars,
-I went out to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. -
I know, right?
Which is probably gayer than any fucking gay bar I've ever been to.
You know? It's, like, a transsexual, like, making a muscle man.
Like, "I'm in."
So, yeah.
And our local production had this drag queen, and I was like,
"Why is a woman playing a drag queen? I don't..."
They were like, "That's not a woman, that's a drag queen."
And this was my first experience with drag queens.
I'm like, "Wow, his fucking Aggy Dune..."
I know. I don't know if anybody knows. Rochester, New York.
You can look her up, Aggy Dune.
-A-G-G-Y. Why? Because we love you. -
And so, I was like, "She's stunning.
"I have to go. I have to do this.
"This is my calling. I have to be this."
So, after the show, we would always go to this restaurant
called The Princess, and... Another clue.
And so, it was great
because the drag queens would parade in to the fucking diner
and these straight boys would always heckle them.
And so, there was this one drag queen named Onyx.
Six-foot-nine, and worth the climb.
She called herself Onyx because she was big, black and hard.
WOMAN: Whoo!
-Like the stone. -
And so, she's walking through there in her gown,
and these straight boys are like,
"Hey! We want to see you deep-throat
"that ketchup bottle."
And she goes, "Which end?"
I was like, "That is what I want to fucking be."
I was like, "Slay, queen. Yas. Werk."
"I want to have that kind of confidence
"to slay the fucking straggots."
Straggots is what we call straight people who are just faggots.
So, after The Princess, they decided to invite me to an after-hours party.
I'm like, "Ooh, my first party."
I was, like... I was all there.
And then I'm sitting there.
And there was another drag queen, Rhoda Dicken.
And so I'm playing with the makeup and stuff,
and she's like, "Let's put you in drag."
I was like, "Ooh, I'm there."
So, they threw me into drag
and they were like, "Oh my God, you're so pretty."
You know, the lighting was nice.
-So, they're like,
"You look like Ricki Lake from the movie Hairspray.
"You should be Ricki Lake. That should be a drag name."
I'm like, I don't want to, you know, get sued.
So, they're like,
"Be Darienne Lake."
And for those... Some of you who know... You know, like you, sir,
Darienne Lake is a an amusement park near Rochester, New York.
Yeah, and like an amusement park,
usually, people puke after they ride me.
So, there you have it.
So, then I became Darienne Lake, which was fantastic.
I was accepted by this, like, drag community, and loved, and...
So, then I was 18 years old.
I was a fabulous little drag queen.
Living at home with my very Catholic mother.
Taking my bag of drag, and, ploop, throwing it out the window,
and then running around the bushes, and getting in drag,
and going off to do the shows.
And so I was doing the shows, and doing the shows,
and having the time of my fucking life.
I was 18. I was making, like, $17.
These queens these days, "I charge $5,000."
Fuck you. Pay your dues.
-Anyway... -
We would be lucky if they gave us two drink tickets and $17.
So, then one night, I come in, and I'm in full drag.
And the light clicks on, and it's my mother.
WOMAN: Oh!
Did you ever see Fatal Attraction
when Glenn Close is sitting in the dark,
clicking the light on and off? That was it.
The fucking shit had hit the fan.
The Bible hit the fag.
-Like, it was...
She was like, "This is disgusting.
"What is this kinky shit? You are disgusting.
"Don't you bring the shit into my fucking house.
"How dare you!
"Are you dressing like this so you can go into women's bathrooms,
"and molest people?"
-I was like, "Where the fuck did your head go? No!" -
"I'm doing it for $17 and a drink ticket."
Fucking weirdo.
And she was like, "I'm not paying money
"for some faggot to live in my house,
"to drive a car, to go to school.
"You can get the fuck out of my house."
Eighteen years old, $17 in my pocket...
Well, I went to The Princess, so I had $15.
I had a coffee.
So, there I am in a parking lot, in a grocery store,
crying my eyelashes off.
I took the car, because I'm not dumb.
And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, "This is it.
"How does the one person who's supposed to love you, no matter what,
"be like, 'Fuck you. Get out of my fucking house, faggot.'
'I don't like you. You're disgusting to me.'"
And I thought, "There's nobody there for me.
"I'm not even there for me," and I considered just ending it all.
Like, I wanted to kill myself.
That was it. I was... I had nothing.
I'm gay. I'm single. I've got nothing to live for.
And as I sat there, with my eyelashes in my hands...
...I was peeling the glue off.
-Drag is expensive, not gonna... -
Reuse these fucking things again.
And I was like, "This is a metaphor for life."
You know, this is a complete metaphor.
You know, you go through a lot of shit.
And you get a lot of gunk in your life.
But you peel it off,
and you put on a new set of glue, and you start a new day.
And that is my life.
I'm not just going to throw this life away, or these lashes away.
This is worth something.
And this is what's feeding me right now.
It's drag. It's not just feeding my belly.
It's feeding my soul.
This is my life, and I have to go on.
Yeah, you're going to go through a lot of shit,
but shit makes the flowers grow.
So...
Onyx and Rhoda took me in,
and they let me sleep on their couch.
And I was still finishing off the semester at school.
And sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and be in full drag again,
and wouldn't realize I was in full drag
'til I got... Looked in the rearview mirror of the car.
And they became my family.
They became my mother.
They became...You know, I think that's why gay guys love women so much,
because you sort of fill a need for us.
You are mothering to us.
You help us. You help us get our drunk asses into the clubs,
and then out of the clubs and into a cab.
Or we ditch you when we get a Grindr hook-up. It's fine.
-You understand.
So, you know, I was like...
I had a new family, and this is what we do, as gays.
We find a new family who become our family
and our support system, and keep us moving on.
And now I'm, you know, the black sheep of my family.
Until my 18-year-old sister got pregnant.
-You know, so... -
Like, "Whew, teenage pregnancy."
And my mother was like, "Oh my God, now another one. Ugh.
"I've got to move out of the country.
"My kids are embarrassing me.'
But my sisters, my biological sisters,
they played a great part in my life,
and helping my mom really understand
what it is to love a child who's gay.
My mother's like, "Look, I'm a Catholic.
"I gotta bring these kids up as Catholics, as good Catholics,
"and let them know what Christ is."
So, then one day, my mother calls,
and she's like, "I want you to come to dinner.
"I want to talk to you.
"I've been thinking about it,
"and I thought, 'I am a good Catholic.
'I should raise Catholic children.
'But then I realized, God has given me these children
'to test my faith.
'To give me a gay child, a divorced child.'
You know, 'A child with a teenage pregnancy, with a bastard baby.'"
I love my nephew. He's great.
But it helped her learn, like, God gives you what you can handle
and lets you learn, like...
"Your lesson's not done.
"There's something else that you need to learn, and it's about love.
"It's about true love, unconditional love."
So, she said, "You know, I want to thank you
"and I want to thank your sisters. 'I love you no matter what."
And I was like, "Listen, don't say 'No matter what,'
"because, 'No matter what' seems like, you know, you could be a killer
"and, 'no matter what...' Yeah.
"I want you to say, 'I love you and thank you
'for showing me who you really are as a person.
'That's what I'm so honored to see who you really are.'"
So, she invited me to dinner.
So, we go to dinner, and she's like, "Look, it's the '80s.
"I'm very worried you might get the AIDS."
You know parents. "The AIDS."
"And so, I'm just, you know, worried."
I'm like, "I don't even do, like, risky behavior.
"Like, yet." I wasn't doing anal.
And she's like, "What else is there?"
So, then I had to explain gay intimacy to her.
I'm like, "Well, there's rubbing, and touching, and kissing,
"and, you know, oral."
"Oral?
-"In your mouth? Oh, my God! -
"That's sodomy!
"I love your father, but I could never. Ugh!"
I was like, "You've never sucked Dad's dick?"
-My dad was like, " No." -
I was like, "Oh, my God, but you're Catholic.
"Catholic girls are supposed to not get pregnant. They just suck dick."
Dad was very sad.
The waiter was very confused.
But you're there, you're like family.
"More breadsticks, please. Thank you."
So, we got to a place of, like, "Don't ask, don't tell,"
and, you know, it worked out fine for us.
So, we repaired this relationship,
and it's so great that she learned
how to be a good Christian, so, I'm very thankful for that.
So, then it was the '90s, and RuPaul was on the radio,
* You better work
And I did. I used those lashes over, and over, and over.
-I still have them on. -
$4.99 a pair.
And my dad was like, "That RuPaul's kind of pretty."
I'm like, "Are you sure I'm not the only fruit?"
So, yeah. So, RuPaul was on the radio,
and I was continuing to do drag,
and then, one day, I was so lucky
to be on RuPaul's Drag Race, season six.
Thank you.
Spoiler alert.
I mean, come on, I didn't win. I didn't win.
I didn't win, but that has not stopped me from traveling the world
and making huge impressions in hotel mattresses around the world.
So, people are always asking me, like,
"What's it like to be on RuPaul's Drag Race?" I'm like, "Torture."
So, they take you from the...
The hotel... Like, they take you to a hotel, from the airport.
They take your phone away from you.
No contact with the outside world.
They rip the phones out of the wall in the hotel. There's no DVR.
They don't let you talk to the other contestants either,
because, you know, they don't want to have you, like,
have a fight on camera,
and then make up off-camera,
and then walk in the workroom, like, "Hi, we're friends."
'cause the audience will be, like, "What the fuck?"
So, they put you in a room.
They sequester you, they lock the door.
They put a piece of tape over the door...
Seriously. They don't want you leaving.
You break the seal, and they know.
Thanks Willam, for ruining it for everybody.
Willam used to go out, and get a little... Anyway...
So, they put you in the room.
They give you, like, a big bowl of snacks
and a big, thick thing of note paper,
and like, if you need anything, just write a note,
and slide it under the door.
And in the first hour, I ran out of note paper.
I was like, "More snacks."
"More hotel lotion."
Because, you know, I was doing...
I was doing my delicates by hand.
Actually, it was more like roughing up the fucking witness.
I was playing Good Cop, Bad Cop with my fucking dick.
"Tell me what you know!"
"Spit it out."
"Spit it out. Spit it out!"
"More fresh towels."
Got 'em.
All right. I got it. Thank you.
Thank you. Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm bending over in a corset.
I swear to God, my balls are going to pop out.
-
But the hotel was very nice, though.
It had one of those fancy espresso machines,
but it broke in my suitcase.
Should have wrapped it in more towels.
But I've been really lucky, though, to travel and perform.
It's been fantastic.
It's really led to some amazing opportunities
for a lot of the other contestants.
-OnlyFans, apparently. -
Have you seen it? Some of the girls, I mean...
They do a lot of porn.
And I've got to say, it matches their drag.
-Average. -
So, I've been... I was so lucky to fly
to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and do a show down there.
-Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. -
So beautiful. Yeah, so fantastic.
And I'm not going to fat-shame anybody, because I'm fat,
but the flight attendant, she kept bumping my shoulder
every time she'd go by.
I was at a window seat.
I'm a big girl, too.
And then she had the audacity to give me one bag of pretzels
that was, like, I flipped it over, 100 calories.
I was like, "Are you... "That's enough to piss me the fuck off.
Then I look on the back, it says, "14 grams."
Honey, I've snorted more than that.
-Fourteen grams.
Those fucking seats. Tight as fuck.
My leg keeps hitting the fucking recline button by accident.
Like, "Could you... Sir, could you..." "Sir."
"Could you put your seat up?"
I'm like, "I'm trying."
So, anyway, then I saw this advertisement for the Comfort Plus.
"Hey, why don't you upgrade to Comfort Plus,
"and get a little more elbow room for your knees?"
How about a little more fucking elbow room for my goddamn elbows?
-Jesus Christ! -
So, we're going to Puerto Velveeta...
...and we had a little downtime before we did our show.
And so, we're lying on the beach.
It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Sun's out, guns out, and...
And the vendors come up, and they're like,
"Hey, senorita, how are you today?"
That's my accent from Mexico. Thank you.
-Getting canceled today. -
"Senorita, hi."
Would you like a sombrero? I was like, "No, I'm good."
"You're pasty, you'll get burned."
I was like, "No, I'm good. Okay?"
"Would you like some jewelry?"
"No, I'm cool. Cool."
"A scarf?" "No, I'm cool."
"Cocaine?"
-Wow, that was a jump.
"I'll take two scarves."
No, like... I don't like cocaine, but I love the way it smells.
Ah!
When I'm getting bare-backed in a bathroom stall...
"Cocaine smells great."
Actually, most days, I'm kind of like a gay Muslim. Stoned.
Hey, I'm not the one throwing people off buildings.
That's them.
So, yeah. Phew, It got dark.
-Horrible.
So then, we're walking down there,
walking down the walkway and stuff,
and the boardwalk, and they're like, "Hey, hey,"
and you see the guys outside the pharmacies,
and he's like, "We have diet pills."
How fucking rude! Rude!
Two boxes.
-I'll take two.
Three. They are great, by the way.
They work great. I'm sweating like two rats fucking in a wool sock.
-All right. -
So, there was a really beautiful boy.
His name was Cesar.
And he's like, "Do you want to go scuba diving?
"I'll take you. We'll take you on a scuba diving ride."
My friend's like, "No. This is where they fucking take you
"to the fucking, like, outskirts,
"they cut you open, they sell your organs."
I'm like, "What are you gonna do with my fucking organs?"
Like, sell them as an after-photo?
Like, no, my kidneys and liver are shot.
So... "No, they could bury you in a shallow grave."
Honey, it's going to take him all day
to dig a fucking hole to put me in a shallow grave.
-I'm a big bitch.
So, I tell you... And I'm still in the heels. Thank you.
I'm waiting for them to be ground down to flats in a minute.
All right, so...
But seriously, the ocean is fucking scary, dude. It's vast.
And, like, the sharks...
Ugh. Like, my biggest fear of being half-eaten by a shark,
is I'd still be 20 pounds over my goal weight.
So... No, actually, I'm more terrified of dolphins
because, I don't know if you guys know about dolphins,
but, you know, they get a little frisky.
They don't know that "No" means, .
And, of course, if it's... You know, gets you pregnant
and it's past the guppy stage, and you live in Oklahoma or Texas,
-you've got to keep it. -
Please fucking vote. Anyway...
So, Cesar is like, "I'll take you on a scuba dive."
I was like, "Okay, great."
So, he gives me a vest in XXX. I'm like, "Okay, thank you."
So, there I am, trying to buckle the thing. I'm like, "God."
And I've got my white swim shirt on,
and I'm buckling this black vest
over my fucking belly,
Black vest, white shirt.
I looked like Shamu.
So, we get into the water and I float like soap.
I'm like ivory soap, just 99.44% pure evil.
And so he's like, ploop.
And then he said the sweetest thing to me.
Cesar turns to me and he's like, "You need to be heavier."
Thank you.
Thank you! I do!
I need to be heavier.
So, he throws a weight belt on me.
Bloop. So, he throws the anchor on me. Bloop. And I finally sink.
And so, we get down there, and it's just beautiful, just gorgeous.
I'm swimming around like the little sperm maid.
I want to be where the people aren't.
So, we have a great time, scuba diving and stuff, and then we get up there.
And apparently, there was a hurricane
that was coming, and so, the water was a'churnin'.
Like my eggs Benedict from that mornin'.
-Just a'churnin'.
And then, like, "Okay, get back up on the boat."
So, he grabs the metal ladder and throws it down.
And the boat's doing this, and the ladder's doing this.
He's like, "Grab on."
I'm like, "Fuck."
So, this metal ladder, I'm trying to...
"Oh my God, I've got no strength left. Holy crap."
So, my hands and legs are sliding through the fucking thing.
I'm getting grated like I'm a goddamn potato on a mandolin.
-I'm like, "Jesus." -
"I'm gonna fall."
Then I feel Cesar's hands on my ass. I'm like, "Not now."
-Now, he wants a tossed Cesar salad. Oh! -
He was like, "I'm trying to give you a push, gringa puerca."
Which... I don't speak Spanish, but I think that means "Pretty lady."
I'm trying to grab on, and I have no strength left.
Like, I couldn't slap the shit out of a colostomy bag.
So, I finally get a leg up on the fucking thing.
He's got his hands on my ass,
, it bucks me into the fucking air.
I go flying through the fucking air.
I'm like, "Whoa!"
-In my black vest and white... Like Free Willy. -
I feel a little boy eating a bag of kettle corn
just rub my belly
as I fly through the air on top of him. Splat!
I land on the boat, the boat goes, ,
start sliding down.
The captain goes, "We're going to need a bigger boat."
And I finally make it up onto the boat.
.
The gasoline and salt water has made it down into my eggs Benny.
I was like, .
I see that little boy's bag of kettle corn,
snatch it out of his hand.
And the first thing you do after you puke is breathe in.
Kettle corn touched my face with puke.
Isn't it lovely.
-I'm still single by the way. Thank you. -
Ugh. I'm worn out, dehydrated, half down, handicapped at this point,
and I'm like, "Oh my God," crying,
"Somebody give me a cigarette."
And a bump of cocaine.
So, we get back
to the dock, I'm like...
"Are those nachos?"
I wasn't crying. I was...
-Nachos. -
So, as I sat there eating the nachos, I was like,
"Man, I've got to take better care of my fucking self."
You know, that's... I mean...
I'm going to be 50, last year, and...
Thank you.
So, I decided, "I'm going to go to that gym,
"and I'm going to, you know..."
Like, I went to the gym four times.
Last week.
But I couldn't find a parking spot close enough.
-No, no.
I actually decided, "I'm paying for this membership.
"I'm going to go." I got myself a personal terrorist... Uh, trainer.
And I've lost some weight.
People are like, "How much did you lose?"
"We've seen your transformation. How much did you lose?"
And actually, like... Almost 200 pounds.
-know.
I'm still fat. It's cool.
Um, but that's not it.
It's not about what you lose. It's about what you gain.
I have gained strength.
I have gained flexibility.
I can now sit on my dick.
Squat down, and get in it.
Did I put panties on?
I have gained my flexibility, my energy, my life back.
And that is what I'm so truly happy about it.
It's not about the number on the fucking scale.
It's about what you give, what you get in life.
That's what I feel better about.
I can continue to now get on my knees, and praise Jesus.
-And... -
But I also gained the cheddar and sour cream chips.
I have made it.
And that's the thing, too. It's like, I've been fat my whole fucking life.
And I was like, "Uh, you know, maybe this is...
"This is just me. Whatever."
And it's fine to be fat.
But it's so important to be strong,
and be able to get off the floor when you can.
You know, like, I don't want to be...
Because my parents are getting old.
They're getting to that, they fall on the fucking floor,
they never get up. "Help. I've fallen. I can't get up."
Which we think is funny. But when you're lying there, embarrassed,
in a Walmart parking lot, you know, it's not so great.
So, it's about taking care of yourself
and having that.
I don't want to be a burden on anybody.
So, I'm like, "Let me take care of myself and get stronger."
And I honestly did not think I could do it.
But then I thought about bumblebees.
And I don't know if you know the story about bumblebees.
Their wings are really small for their big, fat bodies.
According to physics, bumblebees should not fly,
but they do.
They defy physics, and they fly.
They take their fat little bodies, and they put all their heart
and energy into it, and they can fly.
So, as I stand up here, still in heels...
...I want you to know that if I can fucking do it,
anybody can do it.
I know that all of you can fly.
I believe in all of you.
My sisters, my misters,
my girls, my gays and my theys.
I want you to go out there and attack every fucking world.
And remember, when shit gets you down, pull it off,
and remember tomorrow is a new day.
Bat those fuckin eyelashes and fly your fat ass to the goddamn sun.
-loveyou.
Thank you for being here.
-Big kisses from the big girl.
Muah!
* I'm pushing hard But even then it's all I got
* I won't stop... Till I'm 'bout to, 'bout to die
* It's not just me I know it's you and I
* Together we Together we can fly
* La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
* La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly, fly
* La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
* La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly *