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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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I won't make it to 40.
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Good evening. Come on, clap for me!
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Clap like you would if I was naked!
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Wow, such warmth. Such joy.
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It feels like 2019.
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Let me introduce myself. I'm tall, slim,
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and have a foreign surname
that suggests charisma and mystery.
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Yes, it is really me.
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Emily Ratajkowski.
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If you'd ordered her on Wish,
this is what you'd get.
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When I die, I want her photo
on my tombstone.
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I'll be dead anyway.
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Who is she gonna sue?
The kids I don't have?
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I'd love to have sons.
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I'd love my sons to be obnubilated by me,
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totally obsessed.
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Like those men who look
at their partner after sex and say,
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"You'll never be like my mother."
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But daughters? Never.
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I wouldn't want a thinner version of me
without mental health issues
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to tell my husband,
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"Daddy, can you buy me this?"
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Go to work, you freeloader!
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Even though you're five.
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Let's hear it for female solidarity!
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Anyhow, for those of you
who don't know me,
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people who lack good taste,
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I was born in Rome
on the 28th of July 1987.
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Have you heard of Rome?
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The city where we solve our issues
by setting them on fire.
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Buses.
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Old bridges. Rubbish.
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People wishing to use contactless payment.
"Can I use my card?"
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"If you want to…"
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TV. Cinema. The Internet.
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I've been everywhere, except for jail.
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But it won't be long.
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This year I finally signed up for VAT.
I'm living the dream.
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Financial police. Living the dream.
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I've worked my way up the ladder.
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I have tolerated sexual harassment,
and I have harassed too.
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And finally, I reached some of my goals.
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I was featured on the list of 100
most successful women by Forbes Italia.
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Now, you'd say, "Wow, Michela, not bad."
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"You should be proud."
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"Now you're famous.
I bet your life has changed."
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"You finally turned a corner."
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Nope.
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When you become famous,
your life doesn't change.
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You're still the same piece of shit,
but now everyone knows it.
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Your life changes
if you wake up and you're a cat.
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Thank fuck your life has changed.
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Now you shit in a tray.
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It's a different lifestyle.
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I'm still doing the same things
I always did.
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Every morning, I wake up,
and I check my profile
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to see if the size of my belly
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now resembles a Fiat Qubo.
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I'm still doing the same things,
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but I have many new problems.
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I don't know. If I'm waiting in a deli
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and there's an old lady
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who's taking 40 minutes
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to buy some gorgonzola cheese,
and I'm there…
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She goes, "I'd like some gorgonzola!"
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"Also, a little ham
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for my grandson!"
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"Also, a Pfizer booster!"
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"And some more gorgonzola!"
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"For fuck's sake, lady!"
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"Leave some gorgonzola
for the rest of us."
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"We want some too."
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"If you want to scream like Robert Plant,
go sing 'Whole Lotta Love' outside
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and fuck right off."
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But if I say something like that,
the day after, news websites will claim
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that I invented the Holocaust.
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"Elderly people. Watch out
for COVID and Michela Giraud."
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I hope nobody got offended here.
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Are there elderly people here?
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Are there
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any Robert Plant fans?
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Is Robert Plant here?
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Great, so I didn't offend anyone. Great.
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At least you're not
like Demi Lovato's fans.
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When you're always in the media,
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you have to watch what you say.
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I speak from personal experience.
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It was 2021 AD, in the month of May.
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I read this story.
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"Demi Lovato, 'I am non-binary.
I want to be addressed as 'they.'"
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I have no clue what "non-binary" means.
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I could google it,
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but my fierce comedic brain turns on
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and starts thinking
about that magician guy on TV.
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Maybe you know him.
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The Divine Otelma
has several humanities degrees.
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He refers to himself by saying "we,"
and he's a magician,
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like anyone with a humanities degree.
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So I came up with the following joke.
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"Demi Lovato wants to be addressed
as 'they,' like the Divine Otelma.'"
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I tell myself, "This is genius."
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You're a genius.
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You so deserve the satire award
you received in 2020.
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Of course, I could have googled
"non-binary,"
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but I have won awards, jeez!
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Are you crazy?
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Of course.
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I mean, I could…
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I could have checked an online dictionary,
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but I have an award on my wall
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between a crucifix
and a naked poster of Tom Hardy.
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Do you get me?
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In the end, I write this joke.
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"Demi Lovato says
she wants to be addressed
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as 'they,' like the Divine Otelma."
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I post it on Facebook,
and people are like,
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"You're awesome." "Genius."
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So, with such solid backing,
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I post the joke on Twitter.
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Yes, my friend.
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I posted it on Twitter.
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And after, I did something
incredibly smart.
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I turned my phone off.
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And I went out.
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I enjoyed real life.
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I thought, "The sun is out.
The kids are playing."
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"There's that old lady
with her gorgonzola."
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"The world is wonderful."
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I catch my train,
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I turn the phone back on…
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A barrage of insults.
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Like I was
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Britney Spears's dad.
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"You deserve to die!
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You fucking straight piece of shit"!
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By CutePie96.
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"Just die, you loser"!
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"I'll dance on your straight grave"!
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By CakeLover2001.
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Some of these people
wrote incredibly heavy stuff
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but had super cute profile photos.
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In the end, I thought,
"Okay, maybe I put my foot in it."
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"Let's just check
the meaning of 'non-binary.'"
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So I…
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After the fact.
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And I find out that the term "non-binary"
is something to do with the LGBTQI world
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and not, as I thought,
some Scientology-like thing
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or a fad diet, like the Dukan.
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I went from your fun-loving,
slightly mental Michela
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to the serial killer of M.
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I unwittingly made a joke
that offended the LGBTQI community
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on the eve of the release of a movie
about the LGBTQI community that I was in.
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Let's just say I got a call
from the press agency:
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"Hello? Is this Giorgia Meloni"?
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They wanted to remove me
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and digitally replace me
with a less compromised actor,
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Kevin Spacey.
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Who, me?
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I've always dreamed of being a cross
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between Madonna, Lady Gaga,
and RuPaul riding across a rainbow.
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After quite a long three hours, I think,
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"Michela, be your usual bright self."
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"You wrote so many amazing jokes
in your life…"
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"You wrote so many amazing jokes
in your life…"
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"You didn't know
that this one would hurt people."
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So I delete the joke. And I must say that…
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Another barrage of insults.
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Like I was Britney Spears' mom!
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Deleting the tweet didn't solve anything,
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and I pissed everyone off.
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This will end up being on my tombstone,
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"She pissed everyone off."
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Underneath Emily Ratajkowski's photo.
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I get messages like,
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"Shame on you, Michela.
You coward. You suck."
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"You bowed to the culture
of the politically correct."
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What would satire say?
And Aristophane? And Lenny Bruce?
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How do I know? Lenny Bruce is dead.
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"Hello, Michela? Hi."
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"Fancy doing a Live on Insta
with Alessandro Zan,
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the guy you hate,
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about his bill against
homo-and trans-phobia?"
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I'm not Pillon.
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Fine, I wrote a joke.
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I didn't only put up an Insta post
supporting the Zan bill.
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No!
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I did a lot more than that!
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I posted a video
with "Zan" written on both my hands.
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A double Zan!
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Oh!
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Could I be more supportive?
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But that's not all. Then they said,
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"Don't you worry, Michela."
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"We'll always support freedom of speech."
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Signed,
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L'Europa con Salvini party.
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It was like that time I read the comment,
"Michela, you rock."
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written by my ex's new girlfriend.
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He cheated on me with her
while I had COVID.
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People still stop me in the street to ask,
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"Michela, remember
when you went right-wing?"
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I am living proof of Andy Warhol's saying.
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But it was fun
to be a fascist for 15 minutes.
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Black does slim you down.
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However…
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I did find out something else too.
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I found out that being defended
was worse than being attacked.
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It's like getting a bukkake
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as you're having lunch with your parents.
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It's a cool thing, but at the wrong time.
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Being at the center of a Twitter shitstorm
is quite the constipating experience.
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It's like being on a FlixBus
with no brakes
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with a reggaeton-loving driver.
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And you're forced to sit there
and listen to, "Loco loco…"
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Enough!
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How loco can you be?
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If you're loco,
you're clearly out there already.
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But no, being loco just once isn't enough.
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You want to be loco loco.
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00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,520
You want to go beyond loco reiteration.
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What could you do that is so loco?
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Will you help grandma with her digital ID?
Pay your taxes?
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00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,080
Go to the residents association meeting
without a weapon?
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What?
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You go!
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However…
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00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:32,600
However…
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I've got to say,
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fame does have its positives.
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You see,
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you get free stuff such as…
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T-shirts, moisturizers, slimming teas…
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00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,840
Not that I need those.
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You get invited to be a guest on TV shows
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with very flattering emails.
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I remember I once got this email,
"Hi, Michela."
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"We are totally in love with your work."
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00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,600
"We adore you. You're such a role model."
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00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,040
"We'd like to have you discuss
something you care about."
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00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,960
"We'd like you to come on the show
to talk about the fact
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that, even though you're not stick-thin,
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00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,920
you keep living your life
and doing your thing."
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When I read this email, in my head,
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I heard it spoken out loud
with the sender's local accent,
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this show's writer…
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00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,120
I love her accent
and the city she comes from…
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"Hi, Michela!"
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00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,160
"You're the top!"
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00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,920
"Would you like to come on our show
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00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,120
and talk about how,
even though you're a ball of lard,
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00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:01,000
you refuse to shoot yourself
in the head like Kurt Cobain?"
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00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,120
"Wow! Top!"
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00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,800
"Listen,
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00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,240
hey,
258
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,840
not to worry, if you come on our show,
259
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,000
we have a buffet."
260
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:17,080
"And it's free,
with all the stuff you eat down in Rome."
261
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,760
"All the carbs."
262
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,400
"Just to be sure we're on the same page,
263
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,840
here's the photo
of a colleague of yours, Bombolo!"
264
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,160
You see,
265
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,360
I don't hold grudges,
266
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,760
so I emailed back,
"Thanks, dear Maria Grazia."
267
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,440
"I'd be delighted to come on your show
268
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,560
to talk openly about my struggle,
269
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,960
my dress size."
270
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,160
"But you see, despite of this disability,
271
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,320
I do so many other things."
272
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,720
"I get out of the house
without feeling shame."
273
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,520
"Every now and then,
274
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,480
I even wear T-shirts
275
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:58,800
with short sleeves."
276
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,320
"And I can fit through the door."
277
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,280
"Sure, occasionally,
I might have obstructed
278
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,200
the Suez Canal inadvertently."
279
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,400
"But there's one thing."
280
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:23,960
"When I'm at home alone at night,
281
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,600
I do a little dance,
and thanks to my rubbing thighs,
282
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,280
I can turn on the fireplace."
283
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,800
"Yippee-yi-yay, Maria Grazia."
284
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,200
"Top! We love your fire trick."
285
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,000
"Come on Italia's Got Talent!"
286
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,480
"No, thank you."
287
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,360
"I'll go back to my friends,
the cast of My 600-lb Life."
288
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,720
I do thank her though.
289
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,200
She described me as "not stick-thin"
290
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,800
rather than using a term that I hate,
291
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,720
which is "curvy."
292
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,280
I imagine it's pronounced like this.
293
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,480
"Curvy."
294
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,200
"Curvy."
295
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,120
"Lock your fridges."
296
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,280
"The curvies are coming."
297
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,120
Curvy is to fashion
298
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,320
what the last season of Game of Thrones
is to TV series.
299
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,440
The term "curvy" represents
300
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,240
everything that fashion
would rather forget, like Crocs
301
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,880
and the PAs that got beat up
by Naomi Campbell.
302
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,680
Once I went to an outlet.
But I did many good things too.
303
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,880
I remember the sign "curvy" was written
in bright red letters,
304
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,920
flanked by torches.
305
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,400
You could hear a drumroll.
306
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,880
Jurassic Park-style. Jurassic Curvy Park.
307
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,680
It was full of curvy people
who walked around looking at the floor.
308
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,080
And on the other side of the fence,
309
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,000
you could see some stick-thin moms
310
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,120
saying to their perfect offspring,
311
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,400
"Look at them."
312
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,200
"They move in packs."
313
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:39,840
And the curvies…
314
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,480
"Mom!"
315
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,920
"Are all those ladies pregnant?"
316
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,040
"I'm scared!"
317
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,480
"No, my child, they are not pregnant.
They are curvy."
318
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,240
"Look at them."
319
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,200
"Look, they're being fed."
320
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,080
"The staff will lower a goat
321
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,040
and a rider with a humanities degree."
322
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,320
"No! Please"!
323
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,920
"I haven't finished my PhD
324
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,520
about the link
between Manzoni and Zerocalcare"!
325
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,480
"No"!
326
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,160
And then,
327
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,000
these curvy ladies were forced
328
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,840
to go to a sales assistant and say,
329
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,880
"I'm legally obliged to declare
that I am a US size 14."
330
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,360
"Sure. Go that way."
331
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,880
"Where dignity goes to die, yes."
332
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,840
"Yes, where no fashion can help you."
333
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,440
There is a real division, you know?
334
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,720
It's like the Acheron for hot chicks.
335
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,880
On one side, you have normal women,
stick-thin girls who have rights…
336
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,320
Okay, this is Italy.
Some semblance of rights.
337
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:08,840
On the other side, curvy girls
are forced to follow rituals
338
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,960
such as going back and forth
from changing room to mirror
339
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,800
while uttering motivation mantras
they don't even believe, such as,
340
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,480
"I like myself anyway."
341
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,680
"I have a great personality."
342
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,800
"My dream is to play the hot girl's friend
343
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,280
in a TV series."
344
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,920
"I'm the fat one with a nice face
345
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,840
who geeks out on IT and Marcel Proust."
346
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,840
Curvies never have normal names
347
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,440
like Serena or Luciana. No!
348
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,800
Their names have to somehow
represent their size.
349
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,200
So we have Big Luciana, Big Serena,
Big Maria Vittoria,
350
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,600
Big Michela, Big Manuela.
351
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,840
And they have to stand still
352
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,320
while other characters,
tax fraudsters or killers
353
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,920
but always stick-thin, stop by and say,
354
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:05,960
"You like food, don't you!"
355
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,360
The properly stick-thin women
are terrified
356
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,080
they'll end up being curvy
just by eating a slice of pizza.
357
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,320
It's like, pizza…
358
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,720
Just like Minos, Dr. Nowzaradan appears,
359
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:22,840
"Giulia!"
360
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,560
"You're two chocolate bars away
from the curvy zone."
361
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,280
"But, Doctor, I am 170 cm for 70 kg."
362
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,400
"How much longer do you hope to live?"
363
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,040
"Do you want to end up
like that non-stick-thin actress
364
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,560
who earns a living by rubbing her thighs
on Italia's Got Talent?"
365
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,680
"I'm gonna prescribe for you
a protein-heavy diet,
366
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,440
with spirulina and lichens
367
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,440
and other green things
from high school books."
368
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,440
This is the curvy world.
369
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,840
Then you have
the body-positivity nightmare.
370
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,440
You have to like yourself no matter what,
371
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,000
even if you're spherical.
372
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,800
Otherwise, you're stupid,
superficial, a snitch,
373
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,840
and deserve to drink hemlock and die.
374
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:18,720
I mean,
375
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,280
life is not so black and white.
376
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,000
It doesn't work like that.
377
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,600
You cannot like yourself all of the time.
378
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,600
Sometimes you wake up like Beyoncé,
sometimes like Magalli.
379
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,440
This is the joke that made me famous
380
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,080
in all the gulags worldwide.
381
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,040
And guess who didn't take offense?
382
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,240
Magalli.
383
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,640
He knew it was a favorable comparison.
384
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,760
Let's get rid of this curvy thing.
385
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,760
It's just a label. A lame one too.
386
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,360
Do we all have to conform to a fixed rule?
387
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,920
Let me ask you,
388
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,320
who defined it?
389
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,480
Do you want to define me?
390
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,080
Fine, be brave.
391
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,600
Call me fat,
but don't treat me like an idiot.
392
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,640
Then I am entitled to beat you up.
393
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,760
Seems fair.
394
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,040
Totally fair. Right?
395
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,920
Yes, lady. Let's beat them all up.
396
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,080
When you finally get rid of this label,
397
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,440
you get a different one.
398
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,000
I don't know. They call you "tough."
399
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,960
Every time a woman achieves something,
she is tough.
400
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,960
Why is it?
What is she, cardboard? A cookie?
401
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,120
What does a tough woman do?
402
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,520
Does she kick a door without crying?
403
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,600
Can she find the keys in her bag?
404
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,760
Can she go to the toilet alone?
405
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,280
She's a good thing not in a small package?
406
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,080
Every time I read news such as,
407
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,960
"This is Caterina,
408
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,280
a tough girl who went after her dream
of being an entrepreneur."
409
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,640
Then I see the photo
of this poor girl with no surname
410
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,200
sandwiched between the recipe of the day
411
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,400
and Lotty, the cute seal that sings
La Marseillaise by flapping her fins.
412
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,960
Damn competition.
413
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:14,080
To recap, it's not easy
to be a girl in today's world.
414
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,240
Another thing I hear every so often is,
415
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,320
"How did you get this job
416
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,120
even though you're a woman?"
417
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,280
What's with the pity?
Who do you take me for, a beggar?
418
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:31,640
All right, give me five euros
so I can buy some cotton period pads.
419
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:33,760
I'm a VAT-registered 34-year-old.
420
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,760
I've earned my right
not to have my bum red and raw.
421
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,720
Don't you think?
422
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,080
I mean…
423
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:46,680
All right…
424
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,880
Enough talking about women.
425
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,880
What do women want anyway?
The right to vote?
426
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:55,560
Hey.
427
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,720
Really, Merlin?
428
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,800
Aim lower.
429
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,320
Let us discuss a group of people
who have a far tougher life.
430
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,840
A group of people
who live on the fringe of society.
431
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,800
Those who really
don't have any power anymore.
432
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,200
Let's give them their voice back.
433
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:16,600
White straight men.
434
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,040
The very few ones left.
435
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,640
The very few.
436
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400
Where are they?
437
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,880
Are there any here tonight?
438
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,920
Raise your hand.
439
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,760
I'm not Michela Murgia.
440
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,080
Two hands?
441
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,360
Are you worth double?
442
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:50,760
Were you in Chernobyl?
443
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:54,200
Let's count them.
444
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,920
One, two, three…
445
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,760
I told you!
446
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,640
Guys.
447
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:06,320
What happened to you?
448
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,920
Poor little lambs.
449
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,400
You are this big.
450
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,080
You matter so little.
451
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,000
How? You used to rule the world.
452
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,840
You had an empire
on which the sun would never set,
453
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,280
like Charles V.
454
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,360
Now you're disappearing.
455
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:27,880
You're like Prussia.
456
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,280
Like dinosaurs.
457
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,200
Like Blockbuster.
458
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:34,920
Almost extinct.
459
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,200
Exactly. They'll place you
in nature reserves.
460
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,600
Then they'll make a TV series,
461
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,280
The Walking Straight.
462
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,200
Where…
463
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,160
The Walking Straight,
464
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,280
where you approach women like this.
465
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,720
"Listen to my podcast."
466
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,720
"You're quite fuckable, actually."
467
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,200
"Everybody gets so easily offended."
468
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,760
They'll put you in a reserve
with a little sign,
469
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,040
Straight White Men.
470
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,480
The first one to come forward
will be a brave soul,
471
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,080
Marco Montemagno.
472
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,320
"I woke up one day
473
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,760
with something huge under the sheets."
474
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,200
"It was my ego."
475
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,720
"So I came here to experience the thrill
of a new experience,
476
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,160
being wrong."
477
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,000
But don't worry, guys. This will end.
478
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,720
They will soon start writing articles
about you,
479
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,920
"This is Marco, a tough guy."
480
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,040
"He goes to work every day
without catcalling women."
481
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:13,760
Another label I am often slapped with
is "young comedian."
482
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,120
I'm 34 years old.
483
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,200
Quite the oxymoron.
484
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,240
There, nothing but crickets.
485
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,080
But I'm happy I've found fame at 34
486
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,360
because when you're my age,
you're more responsible about money.
487
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:29,480
You buy painkillers,
488
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,720
supplements,
489
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,320
orthopedic slippers.
490
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,080
I have a hollow foot.
491
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,560
If you become famous at 20,
492
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,960
you blow all your money on Negronis.
493
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,080
I do Negronis with valerian
and anti-inflammatories.
494
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:48,080
But to be honest,
495
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,240
adjusting to life as a famous person
hasn't been easy,
496
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,600
mainly because of my family.
497
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,720
Being born in a middle-class,
military, Catholic family
498
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:00,920
has many advantages, like sobriety.
499
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,120
Class.
500
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,640
Good taste. Decency.
501
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,320
But there are others,
502
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:16,680
such as anxiety, panic attacks,
Catholic guilt, impending sense of doom.
503
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,200
Basically, the Vatican
without my favorite things
504
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,160
such as indulgences, money,
505
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,200
robes you can piss yourself in
without anyone knowing.
506
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,440
And those sci-fi halberds
the Swiss guards carry.
507
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,760
But going back to my family,
508
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:41,920
the reason I didn't deal well
with my newfound fame is
509
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,560
that there was only one rule.
510
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,920
The fear of God.
511
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,480
That was our key word.
512
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,000
"Never be happy,
513
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,600
never enjoy the good things you have,
even if you worked your ass off."
514
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,120
"Otherwise, God will see you
and punish you."
515
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,920
Yes, He will find us in Balduina.
516
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,400
In Northern Rome. In the '90s.
517
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:07,960
Picture this…
518
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:11,720
Picture God.
519
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:16,040
The world's CEO says,
"All right, Seraphim."
520
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,200
"Pass me that brown folder,
the one about Earth."
521
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:20,160
"Let's see."
522
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:24,480
"Let's see, the 'Gulf War.'"
523
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:29,480
"That was bad,
but the West has its needs. Moving on."
524
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,480
"'The State-Mafia Pact.'"
525
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,080
"Not good, but they made
some good TV fiction. Moving on."
526
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,000
"What?"
527
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,480
"Young Michela Giraud is happy
with her math grade,
528
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,160
and she's celebrating
with a mortadella sandwich?"
529
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,320
"Peter, give me that whip!"
530
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,120
"I got you, little fatso!"
531
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,280
"I'll send you a lifetime
of weight-loss herbal teas
532
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,400
and frozen balls of spinach and cheese
533
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,920
that your babysitter will never
defrost properly
534
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,600
as she doesn't give a damn!"
535
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,320
And…
536
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,600
When God wasn't enough,
537
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,240
my grandmothers brought on the top player,
538
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:19,320
the Virgin Mary.
539
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,440
Yes, they blackmailed me
using Virgin Mary statues.
540
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:29,040
They knew their Virgin Mary.
They were Virgin Mary sommeliers.
541
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:30,040
They'd say,
542
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:31,840
"All right, Michela."
543
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:35,280
"Today you refused to practice
your good posture
544
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,320
by balancing the heaviest dictionary
on your head,
545
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,400
instead wearing a colander."
546
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,480
"It was a sin with a bitter aftertaste."
547
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,280
"It made Our Lady of Civitavecchia cry."
548
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,960
One day it would be Our Lady of Loreto,
the other, Our Lady of Pompeii.
549
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,920
The more serious my sins,
the more international the statues.
550
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,000
Like Our Lady of Czestochowa
551
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,280
or Our Lady of Lourdes.
552
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,960
It was Virgin Mary Without Borders.
553
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,040
Obviously, the Virgin Mary
554
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:21,640
expected us to dress a certain way.
555
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:25,200
We were born
in a middle-class Roman family.
556
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:31,080
So my sister and I would wear
super expensive pinafore dresses,
557
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,400
velvet blouses,
558
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,840
patent leather flats.
559
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,560
We weren't little girls.
560
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:40,760
We were two young insurance brokers.
561
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:46,160
The Virgin Mary also expected me
to play a sport
562
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,200
consistent with my main passion,
563
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,520
ham.
564
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,760
I loved ham and playing with other kids.
565
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:56,400
Well, I didn't really play with them.
566
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:57,560
I mean,
567
00:32:59,000 --> 00:32:59,960
I'd beat them up.
568
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,200
Since I was a fat and aggressive child,
569
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,200
my parents enrolled me in a course
570
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:10,720
that would encourage my natural talents.
571
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:11,960
Ballet.
572
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:13,720
Of course.
573
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:18,880
Fuckers.
574
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:26,600
After…
575
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,160
After many months of ballet classes,
576
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,920
I was still fat and aggressive,
but now I wore a tutu
577
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,240
as I beat them up.
578
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,720
My parents wanted my sister and me
579
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:42,160
to do everything together,
580
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,120
but she's on the autism spectrum.
581
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,600
My sister says whatever comes
into her mind.
582
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,880
She has no filter. No fear.
583
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,720
She tells people to fuck off,
whoever they are.
584
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,160
She does everything we'd like to do,
585
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,680
but only Vittorio Sgarbi does.
586
00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,240
In conclusion,
587
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:03,720
it wasn't easy for me
to learn ballet with the local kids
588
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:07,760
because they were
the exact opposite of us.
589
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,720
They were thin, perfect, self-confident,
590
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,040
elegant, and super spoiled.
591
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,040
They were so spoiled
that they would react in disgust
592
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,880
if their mom gave them
an imitation Barbie instead of a real one.
593
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,920
"Maria Vittoria, it's 1994. The government
has uncovered lots of corruption."
594
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,320
"And Mom bought you this doll."
595
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,360
"But she loves you anyway."
596
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:32,160
"Be sure of that."
597
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,400
"Mom, there are two things
you can be sure of."
598
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:38,640
"When I grow up,
I won't pay my taxes either,
599
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:42,160
and I'll lock you in an elderly facility
in the Rieti province."
600
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:44,520
So…
601
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:55,680
Can you imagine what it was like
for me to grow up with these kids
602
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,560
who have now grown up to become…
603
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:02,280
They have become…
604
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:06,240
No. They are…
605
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:08,360
They are whores.
606
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:20,280
They are
607
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,200
whores.
608
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:23,680
They are
609
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:25,960
whores.
610
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:32,080
Going to ballet classes was tricky for me.
611
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,080
My sister was very determined.
612
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:35,360
She was the Black Swan.
613
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,280
"I will be a professional dancer"!
614
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:39,520
And I was
615
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,040
just rolling around
616
00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:44,120
like a marble on an inclined table.
617
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:45,960
I didn't dance.
618
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,040
I performed physics experiments.
619
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:54,360
We'd often have to practice
one particular drill,
620
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,680
which involved going from A to B
doing a specific step.
621
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:00,760
I called it "my own personal Hiroshima."
622
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,800
This is how the other girls would do it.
623
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:28,920
You're awesome!
624
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:35,680
And this was me.
625
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,160
My foot is cramping.
626
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:42,480
This was me.
627
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:04,880
"Miss, I can't do it"!
And the other girls…
628
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,320
"Kevin, you're what the teacher
would call les incompétents."
629
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,480
"My Filipino helper Mahala
dances better than you."
630
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,800
In the changing rooms,
they tried to be nice.
631
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:34,560
They could see that
my sister and I were different,
632
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,120
so they'd say things like,
633
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,880
"Are you two handicapped?"
634
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:44,200
And I'd reply,
"No, I just have chubby arms."
635
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,440
My sister would tell her to fuck off.
636
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,560
To be fair, if a stranger
tells you something like that,
637
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,280
you have every right to do that.
638
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,440
My sister has a disability allowance
but she deserves a medal.
639
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,800
Hashtag.
Italian government, think about it!
640
00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:00,960
No, scrap that. Keep sending the money.
641
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:10,920
The point is…
642
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:17,360
things weren't great.
We weren't born to be dancers.
643
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:20,600
My sisters and I had as much coordination
644
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,920
as a cheap catalog-bought kitchen.
645
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,480
For one reason or another,
646
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,760
our teacher told us to stay in the back,
647
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,680
justifying her decision
by saying that we were tall.
648
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,680
The last row was us two,
649
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:38,800
some dust,
650
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,640
the Holy Grail,
651
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:43,640
Elvis,
652
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,080
Bill Cosby's filmography,
653
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,520
and Paolo Borsellino's notebook.
654
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,760
I had the hunch things weren't going well
655
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,680
after some rather vague comments.
656
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,560
The ballet teacher
657
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:59,840
would tell my dad, "Listen, Mr. Giraud,
658
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,680
I don't want to alarm you,
659
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,200
but your daughters are
the fattest of the class."
660
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,880
"Especially Michela."
661
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,280
"Maybe she could try swimming,
662
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:16,800
track-and-field,
663
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:19,040
Greco-Roman wrestling…
664
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:22,400
or WWE pro wrestling."
665
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:27,120
I'm not gonna waste time
talking about this.
666
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:30,040
I mean, I have my own comedy special.
667
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:32,760
We're all here together to celebrate me.
668
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:35,240
I do magazine covers. What do I care?
669
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,960
It's not like I'm still ruminating
and holding a grudge…
670
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:40,880
But fuck you, Ms. Pina!
671
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:43,320
Bravo!
672
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,040
Go fuck yourself.
673
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,040
Joder, maestra Piña.
674
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,360
Fuck you.
675
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:12,360
That's right.
676
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,240
All right.
677
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:20,000
You see,
678
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:21,800
I'm terrified of being judged.
679
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:23,880
By anyone.
680
00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:28,000
I'm especially terrified
of being judged by my mom.
681
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:38,680
Is she here?
682
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,200
I asked my mom,
683
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:46,720
"Mom, why don't you come to my show?"
684
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,640
"How long is it? One hour?
Just you? How boring!"
685
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:53,920
"Mom, I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair."
686
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:54,920
"So what?"
687
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,440
"Mom, I auditioned for a TV comedy show."
688
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:04,120
"It might change my life."
689
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,880
"I got you the application
690
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:10,800
to apply to be a museum guard
for our region in Ariccia."
691
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:12,760
And my dad,
692
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:17,640
"No, my love! How could she?
Would she have to carry a gun?"
693
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:23,120
Every time my dad sees me on stage,
he says I'm making a joke of myself.
694
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:39,840
That's how we were raised in Italy.
695
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:42,480
On a diet of control and self-esteem.
696
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,040
Let me tell you this,
697
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:48,240
had my mom been the Kardashian matriarch,
698
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,840
they'd never have launched
a lingerie line,
699
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:53,320
jewelry, or perfumes.
700
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:56,880
They would have opened
a plain white knickers store in Molise.
701
00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,520
My mom has this habit.
702
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,080
She keeps controlling me
703
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:04,280
as if she were God,
Bill Gates, or Zuckerberg.
704
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,320
You see, my mom is afraid of two things.
705
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:10,560
That I die or that I get pregnant.
706
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:16,040
When I was a teenager,
707
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,920
I once was walking
on a quiet street in Rome,
708
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,880
the kind of street where you only see
709
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:22,880
prostitutes and drug dealers.
710
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:28,360
I was chatting with a random hot guy
711
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,680
about the tensions in the Middle East.
712
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,280
"I could grate cheese on your pecs."
713
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,160
Ring!
714
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:39,920
Ring!
715
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,880
"What time do you get back"?
716
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:43,880
I froze.
717
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:48,360
Since then, I became known as
the David Copperfield of erections.
718
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:54,680
My mom would call me when I was on holiday
719
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,960
because crime never sleeps.
720
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:02,880
We used to spend the summer holidays
in a resort in Calabria.
721
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,920
We'd get there exhausted
722
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:09,200
because my mom would drive
at a maximum speed of 40 km/h
723
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:12,080
and positioned herself
between two trucks "to be safe."
724
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:19,040
Her driving would create tension
725
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:22,280
with the truck drivers
726
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:25,000
who would throw their prayer cards at us.
727
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:28,960
They'd take them off the window
and throw them at us.
728
00:43:29,720 --> 00:43:33,320
My dad would say, "Darling, could you not
go a little faster? You idiot!"
729
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,600
"Don't argue with him, Alfredo.
He's a friend."
730
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,200
She'd never seen him before.
731
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:42,960
You see, Italian seaside resorts
are populated by the wealthiest,
732
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,960
richest Italian kids.
733
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:47,920
Therefore, the most spoiled,
734
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,240
the biggest jerks.
735
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:55,760
There was Andrea, 16 years old,
from Benevento,
736
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,320
sporting a Fendi wallet.
737
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:01,560
Vittoria, the hot chick from Verona,
with hair that goes swoosh.
738
00:44:03,240 --> 00:44:04,480
And there was me.
739
00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:09,760
Frizzy hair, only one breast.
Braces up and down.
740
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:12,080
A Picasso painting.
741
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:15,720
I felt as solid and self-confident
742
00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:19,120
as any other structure
built thanks to Camorra money.
743
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,880
Eventually,
744
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,200
it'd be time for the teen disco night.
745
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:27,000
It would start at 10:00 p.m.
746
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:30,840
I wouldn't find some semblance
of courage until 11:40 p.m.
747
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:34,720
At some point, I tell myself,
748
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:36,440
"It's my time."
749
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:38,200
"It's my life."
750
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:39,520
"I'll go crazy."
751
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:41,200
"On the dance floor."
752
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,440
I take my braces off.
753
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:47,240
I get rid of the sweatshirt
tied around the waist to cover my ass.
754
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,240
Side note, it was about 100 degrees.
755
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,120
And after years of ballet,
756
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,360
I sensually descend on the dance floor.
757
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,640
I see the hottest guy in the group
coming towards me.
758
00:45:14,720 --> 00:45:16,880
The beefcake from Brianza.
759
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,080
Seventeen years old, tall, white shirt,
760
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,920
gelled back hair,
761
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:25,520
and a Nokia phone
that could take photos, in 2004.
762
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:28,520
He was Elon Musk.
763
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:31,280
He comes towards me.
764
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:34,360
I just can't believe
he's coming to talk to me
765
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,880
and not to Victoria,
the hot chick from Verona.
766
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,080
I just can't.
767
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,360
He gets closer.
768
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:40,280
And I…
769
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:44,240
And he says, "Michela."
770
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:45,600
And I say, "Yes?"
771
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:46,760
"Your mom is here."
772
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:50,240
The DJ plays Carmina Burana.
773
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,120
I look up, and I see her.
774
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,800
My mom is wearing a nightgown
775
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:57,920
and is wielding a slipper
776
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,240
like Nikita Khrushchev
at the UN headquarters in New York.
777
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:05,560
"What time are you getting back"?
778
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,960
The other teen club kids are like…
779
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:14,280
So I say, "Don't worry."
780
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:17,640
"I'll just pretend to go home,
then I'll sneak out and come back."
781
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:20,680
So I go home,
782
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,520
leaving behind
a den of love, life, and drugs.
783
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:26,360
This is my bio on LinkedIn, by the way.
784
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,920
You see,
I've grown up with crippling anxiety.
785
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,720
I'm always scared that, out of the blue,
786
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:37,080
my mom could pop out shouting,
787
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:39,120
"I was right! You spoke for an hour!"
788
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:40,840
"That lady is dying of boredom!"
789
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,120
This is my main fear.
790
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,600
I wish I didn't care.
791
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:49,600
In this age of rules and labels,
792
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:51,800
I wish I could stop caring, says…
793
00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:59,920
"the young, tough, not stick-thin woman,
794
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,240
who's not classically pretty
but has a nice face,
795
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,640
is a self-made entrepreneur
who rubs her thighs
796
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:06,600
on Italia's Got Talent."
797
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,160
This is not an easy life.
798
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:23,720
I wish I had the strength of not caring
about other people's opinions.
799
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,040
I mean, it's 2022.
800
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,200
You see,
801
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:29,640
I do not have the strength.
802
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:32,880
The only one who does
is Cristina, my sister,
803
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:35,200
because she has Asperger's syndrome.
804
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:38,840
I don't know how much you know
about Asperger's.
805
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,200
I didn't know what it was.
806
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:43,680
So in 2006,
I looked it up on a reliable source.
807
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:44,840
Yahoo! Answers.
808
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,880
Giovanna from Pordenone replied,
809
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,880
"Yes, my cat had it."
810
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,600
"It threw up hairballs for four days
811
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:56,160
while watching daytime TV,
but he's fine now."
812
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:00,040
Actually, Asperger's varies
813
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:02,760
from person to person.
814
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:05,320
In my sister's case,
815
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,440
it manifests as having no filter.
816
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:11,240
She's like a big baby.
She says it like it is.
817
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:15,720
She's scared of two kinds of people.
818
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,960
Poor people and ugly people.
819
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:20,000
I know.
820
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,480
My sister is a right-wing disabled person.
821
00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:37,680
You see,
822
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,000
when she sees poor people,
823
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:45,040
she imagines the day when my parents
won't be able to care for her.
824
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:49,880
And when she sees ugly people,
she sees ugly people. That's just it.
825
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:51,920
I wish I had a better rationale.
826
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:54,440
As you can imagine,
827
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,120
growing up with her was a dream
828
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:00,960
because my life went from mono to stereo.
829
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:03,760
I wouldn't be here with you
if it wasn't for her.
830
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,560
I wouldn't be here
telling you about my own shit
831
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:08,360
and being paid for it
832
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:09,560
if it wasn't for her.
833
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,160
I would have grown up
834
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:13,400
to be a perfectly thin lawyer
835
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:17,480
with a cheating husband who tells her
he loves her three times a day
836
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:19,120
and three kids named Gianmaria.
837
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,760
And I'd say,
"Michela Giraud is quite funny."
838
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:23,640
"She could do with dropping 20 kg."
839
00:49:23,720 --> 00:49:25,800
"And I'd vote for Brothers of Italy."
840
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,280
This is who I'd be.
841
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:32,480
This person.
842
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:34,720
And…
843
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,640
I owe my sister everything.
844
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:39,360
But you see,
845
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:42,120
growing up with her wasn't easy.
846
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,480
When she wanted to ask someone,
"What do you do?" at a party,
847
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:48,160
her anxiety turned her question
into something like…
848
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:51,640
"You."
849
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:53,880
"You."
850
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:57,520
"What do you do?"
851
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,320
"I'm unemployed at the moment."
852
00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:05,520
"Michela!"
853
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:07,880
"Why did you take me to a party
854
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,640
full of cheapskates?"
855
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:12,640
In true Goldoni-style.
856
00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:15,640
Very 18th-century theater.
857
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:19,200
I was…
858
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:21,840
I had to say,
859
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:24,480
"No, she didn't mean it, really."
860
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:28,640
"Believe me, she is just a bit nervous."
861
00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:31,520
Sometimes she'd ask my best friend,
862
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:32,560
"Francesco?"
863
00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:36,080
"Are you coming on the cruise with us?"
864
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,360
"No, this year I can't."
865
00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:40,800
"Daddy!"
866
00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:43,680
"Promise me
we'll never become poor like he is!"
867
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:47,240
This one time,
868
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:51,320
a friend of mine,
who's not exactly a Greek god,
869
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,280
knocked on the door,
and my sister went to open it.
870
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:55,800
And she did this.
871
00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,360
"Wow, you're really ugly."
872
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:16,360
She slammed the door in his face.
873
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,800
But ten minutes later, he was still there.
874
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,720
My sister is very determined.
875
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:30,240
If she wants something,
she really wants it.
876
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:31,800
She's like Kim Jong-un.
877
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:34,800
You could compare
the atmosphere in North Korea
878
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:36,960
to the one at my house
879
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,200
whenever we had lunch together.
880
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:43,480
One year, for Easter,
we went to this holiday farm in Tuscany.
881
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:48,960
I was so proud to have booked
a secluded little spot,
882
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:50,480
basically in the fireplace.
883
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:54,720
Eventually, we get to dessert,
884
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:55,800
still unscathed.
885
00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:58,480
The place is so peaceful.
886
00:51:58,560 --> 00:51:59,680
And then, a child,
887
00:52:01,240 --> 00:52:03,160
a fucking child,
888
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:05,520
stands up
889
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:09,320
and starts singing like this.
890
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:20,080
And the room goes, "Oh!"
891
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:21,840
This is me.
892
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:23,280
And my father.
893
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,040
My mom. And my sister…
894
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,080
"I want to sing."
895
00:52:34,480 --> 00:52:36,520
"No. No, darling, no."
896
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:39,800
"There's no need to sing, really."
897
00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:41,840
"You have so many gifts."
898
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:43,200
"She's just a child."
899
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:48,520
"You don't need to show her up.
Let her sing."
900
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:50,080
And my sister, "All right."
901
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:51,160
And the child…
902
00:53:01,840 --> 00:53:02,680
And my sister…
903
00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:46,800
You'd think
904
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:48,280
that the room would go…
905
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:51,560
No!
906
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,320
People are petrified.
907
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,240
A lady behind me.
908
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:57,240
Her husband.
909
00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,040
The roast on their plate.
910
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:04,160
And then I became a teenager.
911
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:08,560
As a teenager, I would wake up and say,
912
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:10,840
"I'm alive."
913
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:11,880
"Unfortunately."
914
00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:15,680
My number one enemy was the mirror.
915
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:18,880
I'd look at trucks on the road
916
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:21,200
with a heart filled with hope, not fear.
917
00:54:23,720 --> 00:54:24,760
And…
918
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:33,560
You see, at that time,
919
00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:35,880
I used to spend my summers
920
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:38,520
in a snobbish place just outside Rome
921
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:42,080
populated by cool, snobby kids
with their little cliques.
922
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:45,160
And I would hide in the bushes
923
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,800
like some offshore bank account in Fiji.
924
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:51,680
My sister, however, would say,
925
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:53,000
"Guys!"
926
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:56,840
"Wanna meet my sister? There she is!"
927
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:00,240
"Michela!"
928
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,640
"Wanna be friends with these guys?"
929
00:55:02,720 --> 00:55:05,320
"Guys, my sister is super funny!"
930
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:06,640
"Michela!"
931
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,800
"Did you pee yourself?"
932
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:15,000
Inside, I was dying.
Rotting like the Tiber.
933
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:18,560
I'd say, "Sure."
934
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,320
"Hi, guys, it's me. The normal sister."
935
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:27,800
At 15, I'd fake the self-confidence
of a 30-something-year-old woman
936
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:31,240
even though I didn't know
I had to remove a tampon's applicator.
937
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:44,480
It's not easy having a disabled sibling.
938
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:47,720
It's like when your sibling
is a rock star.
939
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:51,640
Everyone expects you
to be something special.
940
00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:52,880
"All right,
941
00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:55,480
this one is disabled."
942
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:58,280
"What about the other one?"
943
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:00,400
When I was 14, my persona was,
944
00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:02,440
"I never study. I'm a rebel."
945
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,600
"I have a Nirvana sweatshirt.
I'm such a rebel."
946
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,240
"You failed the math test."
947
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,360
"No"!
948
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,800
Things weren't easy in the '90s.
949
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:18,000
People didn't really get
what disability was.
950
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:21,160
The only disabled people they knew
were those in a wheelchair.
951
00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,280
If you didn't have that,
they'd question you.
952
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:27,520
People wouldn't come up
and ask me things like,
953
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:31,360
"Michela, you're incredibly beautiful.
What's your secret?"
954
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:34,200
No, they would look at me
and go like this…
955
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:39,800
"Your sister,
956
00:56:41,280 --> 00:56:42,440
what's wrong with her?"
957
00:56:44,880 --> 00:56:46,000
"Does she have it?"
958
00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:49,400
"The disabled parking permit?"
959
00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:52,680
"No, my sister can walk."
960
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,280
"How come?"
961
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,760
"If you have the disabled badge,
you're part of a caste."
962
00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:00,480
"You can park in the center of Rome."
963
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:03,240
"You can get the best seats
at the Olimpico for the derby."
964
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:05,480
"You get first row seats
to Måneskin for free."
965
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:07,120
"It's a golden ticket!"
966
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:11,840
"You're holding a golden ticket,
and you don't know it."
967
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:15,880
"Do you get discounts at IKEA?"
968
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:19,440
"Assembling furniture
is a struggle for normal people,
969
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:21,440
let alone for those like your sister."
970
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:24,320
"Is it always Black Friday for you?"
971
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:28,280
"Do you get free cinema tickets?"
972
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:31,440
"Not that your sister understands movies."
973
00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:34,040
"No, it doesn't work like that."
974
00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:38,480
"What's wrong with her?
Is she differently-abled?
975
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:41,920
"I mean, otherwise,
she wouldn't be like this."
976
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:45,400
"What's wrong with her?
Has she got Down's?"
977
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,400
"Is she more up or more down?"
978
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:49,600
"Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood."
979
00:57:53,160 --> 00:57:55,440
"What is she, spastic?"
980
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:56,360
"No."
981
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:58,640
-"Is she Bamboleiro?"
-"What's Bamboleiro?"
982
00:57:58,720 --> 00:57:59,760
"Yes, Bamboleiro!"
983
00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:02,640
"Like those people who walk funny,
with mangled legs."
984
00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:04,120
"And you sing to them,
985
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:06,720
Bamboleiro! Bamboleiro!"
986
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:20,160
"Maybe it's your parents' fault."
987
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:21,760
"Are you transgender?"
988
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,200
"Nothing to do with that."
989
00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:25,560
"Are you curvy?"
990
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:29,080
"Are you Jewish?"
991
00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:31,240
"Are you Romani?"
992
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:32,920
"Nothing to do…"
993
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,320
"But you said your dad was from Naples."
994
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:39,440
"Listen, don't you dare…"
995
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:40,960
"Okay, I get it,
996
00:58:41,040 --> 00:58:43,160
but have you seen a nutritionist?"
997
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:45,920
"Have you seen an exorcist?"
998
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:48,400
"Have you sent her
to Italia's Got Talent?"
999
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:51,520
"You know what?"
1000
00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,040
"I feel for your parents."
1001
00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:57,880
"They had one disabled child,
and they dared to try again."
1002
00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:00,960
"And you came along.
You're not exactly stick-thin."
1003
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:03,160
"No offense."
1004
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:05,440
"I just have chubby arms."
1005
00:59:05,520 --> 00:59:08,960
"Don't be so touchy! What did I say?"
1006
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:10,600
"Listen,
1007
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:14,440
I'm gonna confess something."
1008
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:16,800
"It's such a difficult situation."
1009
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:18,440
"My father…
1010
00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:33,440
has high cholesterol."
1011
00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:49,600
"Luckily, they gave him
the disabled parking permit."
1012
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,120
"And he had to insist! Unbelievable!"
1013
00:59:52,200 --> 00:59:53,880
"I'll tell you the truth."
1014
00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:56,480
"Yes, my sister wears a colander
on her head."
1015
00:59:56,560 --> 01:00:00,400
When I was a kid,
I never saw her as different,
1016
01:00:00,480 --> 01:00:03,600
but I could see it in other people's eyes.
1017
01:00:04,120 --> 01:00:05,880
I could see their looks.
1018
01:00:05,960 --> 01:00:09,560
When we went somewhere, they'd move away.
1019
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:12,560
And at one point, I started wondering.
1020
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:16,600
I asked, "Mom,
why are people avoiding us?"
1021
01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:18,880
"Why don't we get invited to parties?"
1022
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:20,600
"Or to dinners?"
1023
01:00:20,680 --> 01:00:22,640
"Why do they look at us as if we were…
1024
01:00:24,480 --> 01:00:25,440
monsters?"
1025
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:35,600
And my mom said,
1026
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:38,400
"Don't worry, my darling."
1027
01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:40,280
"You see,
1028
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:43,760
our head is like a saucepan."
1029
01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:47,320
"We throw in so much information."
1030
01:00:47,400 --> 01:00:49,880
"But your sister doesn't have a saucepan."
1031
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,040
"She has a colander."
1032
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:57,760
And…
1033
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:04,680
since I used to play
with a colander on my head,
1034
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:07,760
I asked, "Mom, do I have
the same syndrome she has?"
1035
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:09,560
"No, you're just curvy."
1036
01:01:16,960 --> 01:01:17,960
Okay.
1037
01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:22,960
I'd like to dedicate this show
1038
01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:26,960
to my mom, my grandmas, my sister,
1039
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,880
and to a person who did so much for me
1040
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:33,560
and deserves a special mention.
1041
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:35,840
Fuck you, Ms. Pina!
1042
01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:38,240
Fuck off!
1043
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:07,680
Thank you.
1044
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:10,360
Thank you.
1045
01:03:30,600 --> 01:03:35,600
Subtitle translation by: Luisa Zamboni