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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[upbeat music playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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[crowd cheering and applauding]
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♪ Saturday night ♪
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♪ It's Saturday night ♪
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[crowd cheering]
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♪ It's Saturday night ♪
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♪ It's Saturday night ♪
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[music fades]
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[panting]
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[crowd laughing]
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I won't make it to 40.
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[laughter]
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Good evening. Come on, clap for me!
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[cheers and applause]
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Clap like you would if I was naked.
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[cheering, applause]
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Wow, such warmth! Such joy!
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It feels like 2019.
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[laughter]
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Let me introduce myself: I'm tall, slim,
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and with a foreign surname
that suggests charisma and mystery.
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Yes, it is really me.
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Emily Ratajkowski.
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[laughter]
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If you'd ordered her on Wish,
this is what you'd get.
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When I die, I want her photo
on my tombstone.
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I'll be dead anyway.
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Who is she gonna sue?
The kids I don't have?
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I'd love to have sons.
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I'd love my sons to be bewitched by me,
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totally obsessed.
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Like those men who look
at their partner after sex and say…
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[breathing heavily]
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"You'll never be like my mother."
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[laughter]
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But daughters? Never!
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I wouldn't want a thinner version of me
without mental health issues
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to say to my husband,
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"Daddy, can you buy me this?"
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"Go to work, you freeloader!"
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"Even though you're five."
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Let's hear it for female solidarity!
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[applause]
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Anyways, for those of you
who don't know me,
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those who lack good taste,
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I was born in Rome
on the 28th of July 1987.
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Have you heard of Rome?
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The city where we solve our issues
by setting them on fire.
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[laughter]
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Buses.
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Old bridges. Rubbish.
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People who want to use contactless payment
for everything. "Can I use my card?"
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[inhales] "If you want to…"
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[growls]
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[laughter]
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I've done TV, film, the Internet.
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I've been everywhere, besides in jail.
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But it won't be long.
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This year I finally signed up for VAT.
I'm living the dream.
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Financial police. Living the dream.
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I've worked my way up the ladder.
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I've tolerated sexual harassment
and I have harassed too.
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[laughter]
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And, finally, I reached some of my goals.
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I was featured on the list of 100
most successful women by Forbes Italia.
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[cheering, applause]
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Now, you'd say, "Wow, Michela, not bad."
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"You should be proud. No?"
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"Now you're famous,
I bet your life has changed."
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"You finally turned a corner."
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Nope.
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When you become famous,
your life doesn't change.
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You're still the same piece of shit
but now everyone knows it.
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Your life changes
if you wake up and you're a cat.
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Thank fuck your life has changed!
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-Now you shit in a tray!
-[laughter]
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It's a different lifestyle.
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I'm still doing the same things
I always did.
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Every morning, I wake up,
and I check my profile in the mirror
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to see if the size of my belly
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now resembles a Fiat Qubo.
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[laughter]
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I'm still doing the same things,
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but I have many new problems.
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I don't know, if I'm waiting in a deli
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and there's an old lady
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who's taking 40 minutes
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to buy some gorgonzola cheese,
and I'm there…
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She goes,
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[high-pitched] "I'd like some gorgonzola."
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"Then also a little ham
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for my grandson."
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"Also, a Pfizer booster."
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"And some more gorgonzola!"
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[normal voice] For fuck's sake, lady!
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Leave some gorgonzola for the rest of us!
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We want some too.
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If you want to scream like Robert Plant,
go sing "Whole Lotta Love" outside
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and fuck right off.
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But if I say something like that,
the day after, news websites will claim
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that I invented the Holocaust.
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[laughter]
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"Elderly people: watch out
for COVID and Michela Giraud."
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[laughter]
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[sighs] I hope nobody got offended here.
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Are there elderly people here?
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[silence]
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Are there…
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any Robert Plant's fans?
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[soft laughter]
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Is Robert Plant here?
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[laughter]
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Great, so I didn't offend anyone. Great.
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At least you're not
like Demi Lovato's fans. Ah!
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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When you're always in the media,
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you have to watch what you say.
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I speak from personal experience.
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It was the month of May, 2021 AD,
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and I read this story.
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"Demi Lovato, 'I am non-binary.
I want to be addressed as 'they.'"
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Now, I have no clue
what "non-binary" means.
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I could google it,
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but my fierce comedic brain turns on
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and starts thinking
about that magician guy on TV.
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[laughter]
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Maybe you know him.
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The Divine Otelma has
several Humanities degrees,
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he refers to himself by saying "we"
and he's a magician.
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Like anyone with a Humanities degree.
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[laughter]
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So I come up with the following joke,
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"Demi Lovato wants to be addressed
as 'they' like the Divine Otelma.'"
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I tell myself, "This is genius."
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You're a genius.
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You so deserve that
satire award you received in 2020.
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Of course, I could have
googled "non-binary",
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but I have won awards. Oh!
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Oh! Oh!
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Are you crazy?
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Of course…
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[applause]
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I mean, I could…
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I could have checked an online dictionary,
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but I have an award on my wall
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right between the crucifix
and a naked poster of Tom Hardy.
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Oh!
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Do you get me?
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So in the end I write this joke,
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"Demi Lovato says
she wants to be addressed
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as 'they' like the Divine Otelma."
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I post it on Facebook and people are like,
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"You're awesome." "Genius!"
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So, with such solid backing,
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I post the joke on Twitter.
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[nervous laughter]
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Yes, my friend.
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I posted it on Twitter.
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[laughter]
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And after that,
I did something incredibly smart.
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I turned my phone off.
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[laughter]
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And I went out.
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I enjoyed the real world.
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I thought, "The sun is out.
The kids are playing."
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"There's that old lady
with her gorgonzola."
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"The world is wonderful!"
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I catch my train,
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I turn the phone back on…
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A barrage of insults.
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Like I was…
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Britney Spears's father.
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"You deserve to die!"
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"You fucking straight piece of shit!"
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By CutePie96.
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"Just die, you loser!"
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"I'll dance on your straight grave!"
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By CakeLover2001.
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Some of these people
wrote incredibly heavy stuff,
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but had super cute profile photos.
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[laughter]
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In the end I thought, "Okay,
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maybe I put my foot in it."
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[laughter]
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"Let's just check
the meaning of 'non-binary.'"
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So I…
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After the fact.
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[applause]
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And I find out that the term "non-binary"
is something to do with the LGBTQI world
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and not, like I thought,
some Scientology-like thing
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or a fad diet, like the Dukan.
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I went from your fun-loving,
slightly mental Michela
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to the serial killer
from the film M.
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[laughter]
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I unwittingly made a joke
that offended the LGBTQI community
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on the eve of the release of a movie
about the LGBTQI community that I was in.
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[laughter]
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Let's just say I got a call
from the press agency saying,
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"Hello? Is this Giorgia Meloni?"
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[laughter]
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They wanted to remove me
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and digitally replace me
with a less compromised actor,
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Kevin Spacey.
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[laughter]
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-[sighs]
-[applause]
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Who, me?
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I've always dreamed to be a cross
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between Madonna, Lady Gaga,
and RuPaul riding across a rainbow.
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[laughter]
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After quite a long three hours, I think,
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"Michela, be your usual bright self."
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"You wrote so many
amazing jokes in your life…"
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00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,600
[silence]
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[laughter]
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00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,960
"You wrote so many
amazing jokes in your life…"
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00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,200
[crowd cheering]
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"You didn't know
that this one would hurt people."
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So I delete the joke. And I must say…
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Another barrage of insults.
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Like I was Britney Spears' mother!
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Deleting the tweet didn't solve anything,
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and I pissed everyone off.
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This will end up being on my tombstone,
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"She pissed everyone off."
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Underneath Emily Ratajkowski's photo.
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I get messages like,
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"Shame on you, Michela!
You coward! You suck!"
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"You bowed to the culture
of the politically correct."
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"What would the great satirists say?
And Aristophane? And Lenny Bruce?"
234
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How do I know? Lenny Bruce is dead.
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"Hello, Michela? Hi."
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"Fancy doing an Instagram Live
with Alessandro Zan,
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00:10:58,960 --> 00:10:59,840
the guy you hate,
238
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,400
about his bill against
homo-and trans-phobia?"
239
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,440
I'm not like Pillon.
240
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Fine, I wrote a joke.
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I didn't only put up an Insta post
supporting the Zan bill.
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No!
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I did a lot more than that!
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I posted a video
with "Zan" written on both my hands.
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A double Zan!
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Oh!
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Could I be more supportive?
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But that's not all. Then they said,
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"Don't you worry, Michela,
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00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,920
we'll always support
freedom of speech." Signed,
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00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,520
L'Europa con Salvini party.
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[crowd] Oh!
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It was like that time I read the comment,
"Michela, you rock!"
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written by my ex's new girlfriend.
255
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,880
He cheated on me with her
while I had COVID.
256
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People still stop me in the street to ask,
257
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"Michela, remember
when you went right-wing?"
258
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I am living proof of
the Andy Warhol saying,
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"Everybody will be a fascist on Twitter
for 15 minutes."
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But it was fun
to be a fascist for 15 minutes.
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Black shirts are very slimming
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[laughter]
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However…
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[applause]
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I did find out something else too.
266
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:21,480
I found out that being defended
was worse than being attacked.
267
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,800
It's like getting a bukkake
268
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,320
as you're having lunch with your parents.
269
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,480
It's a cool thing, but at the wrong time.
270
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,080
[laughter]
271
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,720
Being at the center of a Twitter shitstorm
is quite the constipating experience.
272
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:40,160
It's like being on a FlixBus
with no brakes
273
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,120
with a reggaeton-loving driver.
274
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,960
And you're forced
to sit there and listen to,
275
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,720
♪ Loco loco, loco loco
Loc-loc-loco loco ♪
276
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,560
♪ Loco loco, loco loco
Loc-loc-loco loco ♪
277
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,880
♪ Loco loco, loco loco
Loc-loc-loco loco ♪
278
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,800
♪ Loco loco, loco loco
Loc-loc-loco loco ♪
279
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,760
♪ Loc-loc-loc-loc loco! ♪
280
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:01,720
Enough!
281
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,000
How loco can you be?
282
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:08,280
If you're loco,
you're clearly out there already.
283
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,440
But no, being loco just once isn't enough.
284
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,520
You want to be loco loco.
285
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,520
You want to go beyond loco reiteration.
286
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,360
What could you do that is so loco?
287
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,440
Will you help Grandma
with her digital ID?
288
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,720
Pay your taxes?
289
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,000
Go to the Residents Association meeting
without a weapon?
290
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,840
What? What?
291
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,280
[audience member] You go!
292
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,200
However…
293
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,520
[applause]
294
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:32,720
However…
295
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,800
[applause]
296
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,160
I've got to say,
297
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,720
fame does have its positives.
298
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,840
You see, that is, in the way that…
299
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,440
you get given
free stuff such as… [exhales]
300
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,320
…T-shirts, moisturizers, slimming teas…
301
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,800
[laughter]
302
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,840
Not that I need those.
303
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,000
[laughter]
304
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:02,000
Also, you get invited
to be a guest on TV shows
305
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,320
with very flattering emails.
306
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,680
Once I remember
I got this email, "Hi Michela."
307
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,440
"We are totally in love with your work,
308
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,480
we adore you, you're such a role model."
309
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:18,040
"We'd like to have you discuss
something you care about."
310
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,080
"We'd like you to come
on the show to talk about the fact
311
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,680
that, even though you're not stick-thin,
312
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,920
you keep living your life
and doing your thing."
313
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,400
When I read this email, in my head
314
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:41,440
I heard it spoken out loud
with the sender's local accent,
315
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,680
this show's writer…
316
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,120
I love her accent
and the city she comes from…
317
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,160
"Hi Michela! Whoo! You're the top!"
318
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,920
"Would you like to come on our show
319
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,120
and talk about how,
even though you're a ball of lard,
320
00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:01,000
you refuse to shoot yourself
in the head à la Kurt Cobain?"
321
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,000
"Whoo! Top!"
322
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,040
[clapping]
323
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,800
"Listen,
324
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,240
hey,
325
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,840
not to worry, if you come on our show
326
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,000
we have a buffet."
327
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:17,080
"And it's free,
with all the stuff you eat down in Rome,
328
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,760
all those carbs."
329
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,400
"Just to be sure we're on the same page,
330
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,840
here's the photo
of a colleague of yours, Bombolo!"
331
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,160
You see…
332
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,440
I don't hold grudges,
333
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,440
[laughter]
334
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,760
so I emailed back,
"Grazie, dear Maria Grazia."
335
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,440
"I'd be delighted to come on your show
336
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,560
to talk openly about my struggle…
337
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,880
my dress size."
338
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,160
"But you see, in spite of this disability,
339
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,320
I do so many other things."
340
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,520
"I get out of the house
without feeling shame."
341
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,520
"Every now and then,
342
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,480
I even wear T-shirts
343
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:58,760
with short sleeves."
344
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,400
"And I can fit through the door."
345
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,920
[laughter, applause]
346
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,280
"Sure, occasionally,
I might have obstructed
347
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,360
the Suez Canal, inadvertently."
348
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,640
[laughter]
349
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,400
"But there's one thing,
350
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:23,840
when I'm at home alone, at night,
351
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,600
I do a little dance,
and thanks to my rubbing thighs,
352
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,320
I can light the fireplace."
353
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,800
"Yippee-yi-yay, Maria Grazia."
354
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,560
[laughter, applause]
355
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,200
[as Maria] "Top! We love your fire trick."
356
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,000
"Come on Italia's Got Talent!"
357
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,600
"No, thank you.
I'll go back to my friends,
358
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,400
the cast of My 600-lb Life."
359
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,240
[laughter]
360
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,720
I do thank her, though.
361
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,200
She described me as "not stick-thin"
362
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,800
rather than using a term that I hate,
363
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,720
which is "curvy."
364
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,280
I imagine it's pronounced like this.
365
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,480
[breathlessly] "Curvy."
366
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,480
[exhales deeply]
367
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,200
"Curvy."
368
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,840
[exhales]
369
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,120
[breathily] "Lock your fridges."
370
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,360
"The curvies are coming."
371
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,000
[imitates pounding footsteps]
372
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,640
[laughter, applause]
373
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,120
Curvy is to fashion
374
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,240
what the last season of Game of Thrones
is to the whole series.
375
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,720
[laughter]
376
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,440
The term "curvy" represents
377
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,240
everything that fashion
really would rather forget, like Crocs
378
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,880
and the assistants
beaten up by Naomi Campbell.
379
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,680
Once I went to an outlet.
But I did many good things too.
380
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,840
I remember the sign "Curvy" was written
in bright red letters,
381
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,360
flanked by torches.
You could hear drumroll.
382
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,880
[imitates drums]
383
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,880
Jurassic Park-style. Jurassic Curvy Park.
384
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,680
It was full of curvy people
who walked around looking at the floor.
385
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,080
And on the other side of the fence
386
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,000
you could see some stick-thin moms
387
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,240
saying to their perfect offspring,
388
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,520
"Look at them."
389
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,200
"They move in packs."
390
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,840
[laughter]
391
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:39,840
And the curvies…
392
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,320
[roaring]
393
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,720
"Mom!"
394
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,800
"Are all those ladies pregnant?"
395
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,040
"I'm scared!"
396
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,480
"No, my child, They are not pregnant.
They are curvy."
397
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,200
"Look at them. Look, they're being fed."
398
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,960
"The staff will lower down a goat
399
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,040
and a rider with a Humanities degree."
400
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,320
"No! Please!"
401
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,920
"I haven't finished my PhD
402
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,520
about the link
between Manzoni and Zerocalcare!"
403
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,480
"No! No!"
404
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,120
[applause]
405
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,160
And then,
406
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,920
these curvy ladies were forced
407
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,760
to hand themselves in
to a sales assistant and say,
408
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,880
"I'm legally obliged to declare
that I am a US Size 14."
409
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,880
"Sure. Go that way.
Where dignity goes to die, yes."
410
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,840
"Yes, where no fashion can help you."
411
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,440
There is a real division, you know.
412
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,720
It's like the Acheron for hot chicks.
413
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,880
On one side you have normal women,
stick-thin girls who have rights…
414
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,320
Okay, this is Italy…
Some semblance of rights.
415
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:08,840
On the other side, curvy girls
are forced to follow rituals
416
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,960
such as going back and forth
from changing room to mirror
417
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,800
while uttering motivation mantras
they don't even believe, such as…
418
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,600
[flatly] "I like myself anyway."
419
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,600
[laughter]
420
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,680
"I have a great personality."
421
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,800
"My dream is to play the hot girl's friend
422
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,280
in a TV series."
423
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,920
"I'm the fat one with a nice face
424
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,840
who geeks out on IT and Marcel Proust."
425
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:40,200
[laughter]
426
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,840
Curvies never have normal names anymore,
427
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,440
like Serena or Luciana. No!
428
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,800
Their names have to somehow
represent their size.
429
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,200
So we have Big Luciana, Big Serena,
Big Maria Vittoria,
430
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,600
Big Michela, Big Manuela.
431
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,840
And they have to stand still
432
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,320
while other characters,
tax fraudsters or killers
433
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,880
but always stick-thin, stop by and say,
434
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:05,880
"You like food, don't you!"
435
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,880
[laughter]
436
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,360
The properly stick-thin women
are terrified
437
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,080
they'll end up being curvy
just by eating a slice of pizza.
438
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,320
It's like, pizza…
439
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,080
Whoa…
440
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,000
Boom!
441
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,720
Just like Minos, Dr. Nowzaradan appears,
442
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:22,840
"Giulia!"
443
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,560
"You're two chocolate bars away
from the curvy zone."
444
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,240
[laughter]
445
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,280
"But, Doc, I am 170 cm and 70 kg!"
446
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,320
"How much longer do you hope to live?"
447
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,680
[laughter]
448
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,040
"Do you want to end up
like that non-stick-thin actress
449
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,480
who earns a living by rubbing her thighs
on Italia's Got Talent?"
450
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,680
"I'm gonna prescribe you
a protein-heavy diet,
451
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,440
with spirulina and lichens
452
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,440
and other green things
from high school books."
453
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,920
[laughter]
454
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,440
This is the curvy world.
455
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,840
Then you have
the body-positivity nightmare.
456
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,440
You have to like yourself no matter what,
457
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,000
even if you're spherical,
458
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,720
otherwise you're stupid,
superficial, you're a traitor,
459
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,840
you deserve to drink hemlock and die.
460
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,080
[applause]
461
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:18,720
I mean,
462
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,280
life is not so black and white.
463
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,000
It doesn't work like that.
464
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,600
You cannot like yourself all of the time.
465
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,520
Sometimes you feel like Beyoncé,
sometimes like Magalli.
466
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,040
Ah!
467
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,440
This is the joke that made me famous
468
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,080
in all the gulags worldwide.
469
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,000
And guess who didn't take offense?
470
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,240
Magalli.
471
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,640
He knew it was a positive comparison.
472
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,760
Let's get rid of this curvy thing.
473
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,760
It's just a label, and a lame one too.
474
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,360
Do we all have to conform
to a fixed ideal?
475
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,920
Let me ask you,
476
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,320
who defined it?
477
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,480
Do you want to define me?
478
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,080
Fine, be brave.
479
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,600
Call me fat,
but don't treat me like an idiot.
480
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,760
Then I am entitled to beat you up.
481
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,120
[woman] Seems fair.
482
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,040
Totally fair. Right?
483
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:13,080
Yes, lady. Let's beat them all up.
484
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,080
When you finally get rid of this label,
485
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,440
you get a different one.
486
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,000
I don't know, they call you "tough."
487
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,960
Every time a woman achieves something,
she is tough.
488
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,960
Why is it?
What is she, cardboard? A cookie?
489
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,120
What does a tough woman do?
490
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,520
Does she kick a door without crying?
491
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,600
Can she find the keys in her bag?
492
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,760
Can she go to the toilet alone?
493
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,280
She's a good thing not in a small package?
494
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,080
Every time I read news such as,
495
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,960
"This is Caterina,
496
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,280
a tough girl who went after her dream
of being an entrepreneur,"
497
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,640
then I see the photo
of this poor girl with no surname
498
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,200
sandwiched between the recipe of the day
499
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,360
and Lotty, the cute seal that sings
La Marseillaise by flapping her fins.
500
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,280
[fart noises]
501
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,960
Damn competition!
502
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,760
[laughter]
503
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:14,080
To recap, it's not easy
to be a girl in today's world.
504
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,240
Another thing I hear every so often,
505
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,320
"How did you get to do this job
506
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,120
even though you're a woman?"
507
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,360
What's with the pity?
Who do you take me for, a beggar?
508
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:31,640
Alright, give me five euros
so I can buy some cotton period pads.
509
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:33,680
I'm a VAT-registered 34-year-old.
510
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,760
I earned my right
not to have my bum become red raw.
511
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,760
Don't you think? Don't you?
512
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,080
I mean…
513
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,160
[applause]
514
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:46,680
Alright…
515
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,880
Enough talking about women.
516
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,360
Am I right?
517
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,880
What do women want anyway?
The right to vote?
518
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:55,560
Oh.
519
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,720
Really, Merlin?
520
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,960
Aim lower.
521
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,320
Let us discuss a group of people
who have a far tougher life.
522
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,800
A group of people
who live on the fringe of society.
523
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,800
A category who really
doesn't have any power anymore.
524
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,200
Let's give them their voice back.
525
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:16,800
White straight men.
526
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,680
[laughter]
527
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,040
[man] The very few ones left.
528
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,520
[laughter]
529
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,560
[woman 2] The very few.
530
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400
Where are they?
531
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,400
[applause]
532
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,960
Are there any here tonight?
533
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,920
Raise your hand.
534
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,760
I'm not Michela Murgia.
535
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,600
[laughter]
536
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,080
Two hands?
537
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,360
Are you worth double?
538
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:50,760
Were you in Chernobyl?
539
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,760
[laughter]
540
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:54,200
Let's count them.
541
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,840
One, two, three…
542
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,960
[woman 2] I told you!
543
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,640
Guys.
544
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:06,320
What happened to you?
545
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,920
Poor little lambs.
546
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,520
You are this big.
547
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,000
You matter so little.
548
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,000
How? You used to rule the world.
549
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,840
You had an empire
on which the sun would never set,
550
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,320
like Charles V.
551
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,360
Now you're disappearing.
552
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:27,880
You're like Prussia.
553
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,280
Like dinosaurs.
554
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,160
Like Blockbuster.
555
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,600
[laughter]
556
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,080
[man 2] Almost extinct.
557
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,200
Exactly. They'll place you
in nature reserves.
558
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,600
Then they'll make a TV series,
559
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,200
The Walking Straight.
560
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,200
[laughter, applause]
561
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,280
Where…
562
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,080
The Walking Straight,
563
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,280
where you approach women like this.
564
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,720
"Listen to my podcast!"
565
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,720
"You're quite fuckable, actually."
566
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,200
"Everybody gets so easily offended!"
567
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,600
[moans]
568
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,280
[applause]
569
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,760
They'll put you in a reserve
with a little sign,
570
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,040
Straight White Men.
571
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,480
The first one to come forward
will be a brave soul,
572
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,080
Marco Montemagno.
573
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,640
[laughter]
574
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,320
"I woke up one day
575
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,760
with something huge under the sheets."
576
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,040
[laughter]
577
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,360
"It was my ego."
578
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,720
"So I came here to experience the thrill
of a new experience,
579
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,160
being wrong."
580
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:52,880
[laughter]
581
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,000
But don't worry, guys. This will end.
582
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,640
They will soon start
writing articles about you,
583
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,840
"This is Marco, a tough guy,
584
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:05,000
he goes to work every day
without catcalling women."
585
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,000
[laughter, applause]
586
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:13,680
Another label I am often slapped with
is "young comedian".
587
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,080
I'm 34 years old.
588
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,320
Quite the oxymoron.
589
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,280
There, nothing but crickets.
590
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,080
But I'm happy I've found fame at 34
591
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,360
because when you're my age,
you're more responsible about money.
592
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:29,440
You buy painkillers,
593
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,720
supplements,
594
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,320
orthopedic slippers.
595
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,080
I have high arches.
596
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:38,760
[chuckles]
597
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,560
If you become famous at 20,
598
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,960
you blow all your money on Negronis.
599
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,120
I do Negronis with valerian
and anti-inflammatories.
600
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:48,080
But to be honest,
601
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,240
adjusting to life as a famous person
hasn't been easy,
602
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,600
mainly because of my family.
603
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,720
Being born in a middle-class,
military, Catholic family
604
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:01,000
brings you many advantages, like sobriety.
605
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,120
Class.
606
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,560
Good taste. Decency.
607
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,160
[silence]
608
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,240
[laughter]
609
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,320
But there are others,
610
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:16,680
such as anxiety, panic attacks,
Catholic guilt, impending sense of doom.
611
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,200
Basically, the Vatican
but without my favorite things,
612
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,160
like indulgences, money,
613
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,080
the robes you can piss yourself in
without anyone knowing.
614
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,120
[laughter]
615
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,440
And those sci-fi halberds
the Swiss guards carry.
616
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,520
[applause]
617
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,760
But going back to my family,
618
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:41,920
the reason I didn't deal well
with my newfound fame is
619
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,560
that there was only one rule:
620
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,920
the fear of God.
621
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,480
That was our key word.
622
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,040
"Never be happy,
623
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,480
never enjoy the good things you have,
even if you worked your ass off,
624
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,120
otherwise God will see you
and punish you."
625
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,960
Yes, He will find us in Balduina.
626
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,480
In Northern Rome. In the '90s.
627
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,080
[applause]
628
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,120
Picture this…
629
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:11,720
Picture God Himself.
630
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:16,040
The world's CEO says, "Alright, Seraphim,
631
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,200
pass me that brown folder,
the one about Earth."
632
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:20,320
"Let's see…"
633
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,000
"Let us see…"
634
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:24,800
"'The Gulf War.'"
635
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,040
"Hmm. That was bad."
636
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,560
"But the West has its needs. Moving on."
637
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,640
"'The State-Mafia Pact.'"
638
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,080
"Not good, but it made
some good TV shows. Moving on."
639
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,000
"What?"
640
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,480
"Young Michela Giraud is happy
about her Math grade
641
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,160
and she's celebrating
with a mortadella sandwich?"
642
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,320
"Peter, give me that whip!"
643
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,120
"I got you! I got you, little fatso!"
644
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,280
"I'll send you a lifetime
of weight-loss herbal teas
645
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,400
and frozen balls of spinach and cheese
646
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,920
that your babysitter
will never defrost properly
647
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,800
as she doesn't give a damn!"
648
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,080
[laughter, applause]
649
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,320
And…
650
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,600
When God wasn't enough,
651
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,240
my grandmothers brought on the top player,
652
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:19,480
the Holy Mary.
653
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:20,920
[laughter]
654
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,440
Yes, they blackmailed me
using Holy Mary statues.
655
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:29,040
They knew their Holy Marys,
they were Holy Mary sommeliers.
656
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:30,040
They'd say,
657
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:31,840
"Alright, Michela."
658
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:35,280
"Today you refused to practice
your good posture
659
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,320
by balancing the heaviest dictionary
on your head,
660
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,400
instead wearing a colander."
661
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,480
"It was a sin with a bitter aftertaste,
662
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,160
it made Our Lady of Civitavecchia cry."
663
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:48,840
[laughter]
664
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,960
One day it would be Our Lady of Loreto,
the other it would Our Lady of Pompeii.
665
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,200
The more serious my sins,
666
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:57,920
the more international the statues.
667
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,000
Like Our Lady of Czestochowa,
668
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,280
or Our Lady of Lourdes.
669
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,960
It was Holy Mary Without Borders.
670
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,040
[laughter, applause]
671
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,040
Obviously, the Holy Mary expected us
672
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:21,640
to dress a certain way.
673
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:25,200
We were born
in a middle-class Roman family.
674
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:31,080
And so my sister and I would wear
super expensive pinafore dresses,
675
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,400
velvet blouses,
676
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,840
patent leather flats.
677
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,560
We weren't little girls,
678
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:40,760
we were two young insurance brokers.
679
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:46,160
The Virgin Mary also expected me
to play sports
680
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,200
consistent with my main passion.
681
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,480
For ham.
682
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,760
I loved ham and playing with other kids.
683
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:56,400
Well, I didn't really play with them.
684
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:57,600
I mean,
685
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,080
I beat them up.
686
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:01,240
[laughter]
687
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,280
And as I was a fat and aggressive child,
688
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,200
my parents chose to enroll me in a course
689
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:10,720
that could encourage my natural talents.
690
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:11,960
Ballet.
691
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:13,960
[woman 3] Of course.
692
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:18,880
Fuckers.
693
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:20,240
[laughter]
694
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,320
[applause]
695
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:26,600
And after…
696
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,160
After many months of ballet classes,
697
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,880
I was still fat and aggressive,
but now I wore a tutu
698
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,160
as I beat them up.
699
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:36,440
[laughter]
700
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,720
My parents wanted my sister and I
701
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:42,160
to do everything together,
702
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,120
but she's on the autism spectrum.
703
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,600
My sister says
whatever comes into her mind.
704
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,920
She has no filter. No fear.
705
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,720
She tells people to fuck off,
whoever they are.
706
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,160
She does everything we'd like to do
707
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,680
but only Vittorio Sgarbi does.
708
00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,400
In conclusion,
709
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:03,720
it wasn't easy for me
to learn ballet with the local kids
710
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:07,760
because they were
the exact opposite of us.
711
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,720
They were thin, perfect, self-confident,
712
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,040
elegant, and super spoiled.
713
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,040
They were so spoiled
they would react in disgust
714
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,880
if their mom gave them
an imitation Barbie instead of a real one.
715
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,920
"Maria Vittoria, it's 1994. The government
has uncovered lots of corruption…"
716
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,320
"And your mom bought you this doll."
717
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,240
"But she loves you anyway."
718
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:32,320
"Be sure of that."
719
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,280
[as child] "Mom, there's two things
you can be sure of:
720
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,640
when I grow up
I won't pay my taxes either,
721
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:42,160
and I'll lock you in an elderly facility
in the Rieti province."
722
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:44,520
So…
723
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,600
[laughter, applause]
724
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:55,680
Can you imagine what it was like
for me to grow up with these kids
725
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,520
who have now grown up to become…
726
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:02,360
They have become…
727
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,480
-[laughter]
-Uh…
728
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:06,200
No. They are…
729
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:08,360
They are whores.
730
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,320
[laughter, applause]
731
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:20,280
They are…
732
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,200
whores.
733
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:23,680
Really…
734
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:25,960
whores.
735
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,240
[laughter]
736
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:32,080
Going to ballet classes was tricky for me.
737
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,200
My sister was very determined.
738
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:35,360
She was the Black Swan,
739
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,280
"I will be a professional dancer!"
740
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:39,520
And I was…
741
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,120
just rolling around.
742
00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:44,120
Like a marble on an inclined table.
743
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:45,960
I didn't dance.
744
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,040
I performed physics experiments.
745
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:54,360
We'd often have to practice
one particular drill
746
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,680
which involved going from A to B
doing a specific step.
747
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:00,760
I called it, "My own personal Hiroshima."
748
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,800
This is how the other girls would do it.
749
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:14,760
[laughter]
750
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:23,280
[laughter]
751
00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:27,920
[crowd cheering]
752
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,240
[woman 3] You're awesome!
753
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:35,920
And this was me…
754
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,160
My foot is cramping.
755
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:42,480
This was me…
756
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:51,400
[laughter]
757
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:03,880
"Miss, I can't do it!"
758
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,320
And the other girls…
759
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,200
[laughter]
760
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,280
[applause]
761
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,320
"Kevin, you're what the teacher
would call les incompétents."
762
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,480
"My Filipino helper Mahala
dances better than you."
763
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,800
In the changing rooms,
they tried to be nice.
764
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:34,560
They could see that
my sister and I were different,
765
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,120
so they'd say things like,
766
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,880
"Are you two handicapped?"
767
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:44,200
And I'd reply,
"No, I just have chubby arms."
768
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,440
My sister would tell her to fuck off.
769
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,560
To be fair, if a stranger
tells you something like that,
770
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,280
you have every right to do that.
771
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,400
My sister has a disability allowance
but she deserves a medal.
772
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,800
Hashtag:
Italian government, think about it!
773
00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:00,960
No, scrap that. Keep sending the money.
774
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:04,840
[laughter, applause]
775
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:10,880
The point is…
776
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:17,360
things weren't great.
We weren't born to be dancers.
777
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:20,600
My sister and I had as much coordination
778
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:24,000
as a cheap catalogue-bought kitchen.
779
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,480
For one reason or another,
780
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,760
our teacher told us to stay at the back,
781
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,680
justifying her decision
by saying that we were tall.
782
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,680
Way back in the last row was us two,
783
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:38,880
some dust,
784
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,680
the Holy Grail,
785
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:43,640
Elvis,
786
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,080
Bill Cosby's filmography,
787
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,440
and Paolo Borsellino's notebook.
788
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:50,000
[laughter]
789
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,760
I had the hunch things weren't going well
790
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,680
after some rather vague comments.
791
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,560
The ballet teacher
792
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:59,840
would tell my Dad, "Listen, Mr. Giraud,
793
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,680
I don't want to alarm you,
794
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,160
but your daughters are
the fattest of the class."
795
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:06,160
[laughter]
796
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,760
"Especially Michela."
797
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,280
"Maybe she could try swimming,
798
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:16,800
track-and-field,
799
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:19,040
Greco-Roman wrestling,
800
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:22,400
or WWE pro wrestling."
801
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:27,120
I'm not gonna waste time
talking about this,
802
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:30,040
I mean, I have my own comedy special,
803
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:32,760
we're all here together to celebrate me.
804
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:35,240
I do magazine covers. What do I care?
805
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,960
It's not like I'm still ruminating
and holding a grudge…
806
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,000
But fuck you, Ms. Pina!
807
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:43,320
[woman 4] Bravo!
808
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,600
[whooping, applause]
809
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:51,600
Go fuck yourself.
810
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,320
Fuck you, teacher Pina!
811
00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:58,360
[laughter]
812
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,080
Joder, maestra Piña.
813
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:05,440
[laughter]
814
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,360
Fuck you.
815
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:12,360
That's right.
816
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,240
Alright.
817
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:20,000
You see, it's just
818
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:21,880
I'm terrified of being judged.
819
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,880
By anyone.
820
00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:27,920
I'm especially terrified
of being judged by my mom.
821
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,040
[laughter]
822
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:38,680
Is she here?
823
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,200
I tell my mom,
824
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:46,720
"Mom, why don't you come to my show?"
825
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,560
"How long is it? One hour?
Just you? How boring!"
826
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,840
"Mom, I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair."
827
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,120
"So what?"
828
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,160
[laughter]
829
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:04,120
"Mom, I auditioned for a TV comedy show.
It might change my life."
830
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,880
"I got you the form
831
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:09,360
to apply to be a museum guard
for our region
832
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,000
in Ariccia."
833
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:12,760
And my Dad,
834
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:17,640
"No, my love, how could she?
Would she have to carry a gun?"
835
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:23,080
Every time my Dad sees me on stage,
he says I'm making a joke of myself.
836
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:26,120
[laughter, applause]
837
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:39,840
That's how we were raised, in Italy.
838
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:42,480
On a diet of control and self-esteem.
839
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,040
Let me tell you this,
840
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:48,240
had my Mom been the Kardashian matriarch
841
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,840
they'd never have launched
a lingerie line,
842
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:53,320
jewelry or perfumes.
843
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:56,760
They would have opened up
a plain white knickers store in Molise.
844
00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,520
My mom has this habit.
845
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,080
She keeps controlling me
846
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:04,280
as if she were God,
or Bill Gates, or Zuckerberg.
847
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,320
You see, my Mom is afraid of two things:
848
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:10,560
that I die or that I get pregnant.
849
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:16,040
When I was a teenager,
850
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,920
once I was walking
in a quiet street in Rome,
851
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,880
the kind of street where you only see
852
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:22,880
prostitutes and drug dealers.
853
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:28,360
I was chatting with a random hot guy
854
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,680
about the tensions in the Middle East.
855
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,280
"I could grate cheese on your pecs!"
856
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,160
Ring ring!
857
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:39,920
Ring ring!
858
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,880
[as mother] "What time do you get back?"
859
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,040
I froze.
860
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:48,280
Since then, I became known as
the David Copperfield of erections.
861
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:54,680
My mom would call me
when I was on holiday too,
862
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,960
because crime never sleeps.
863
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:02,880
We used to spend the summer holidays
in a resort in Calabria.
864
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,920
We'd get there late and exhausted
865
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:09,200
because mom would drive
at a maximum speed of 40 km/h,
866
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:12,080
and positioned herself
between two trucks, "to be safe."
867
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,160
[laughter]
868
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:15,800
Her driving
869
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,040
would create tension
870
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:22,280
with the truck drivers,
871
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:25,000
who would throw their prayer cards at us.
872
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:27,040
They'd take them off the window
873
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:28,960
and throw them at us.
874
00:43:29,720 --> 00:43:33,280
My dad would say, "Darling, could you not
go a little faster? You idiot!"
875
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:35,600
"Don't argue with him, Alfredo.
He's a friend."
876
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,200
She'd never seen him before.
877
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:38,560
[laughter]
878
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:42,960
You see, Italian seaside resorts
are populated by the wealthiest,
879
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:45,960
richest Italian kids.
880
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:47,920
Therefore, the most spoiled,
881
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,280
the biggest jerks.
882
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:55,760
There was Andrea, 16 years old,
from Benevento,
883
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,320
sporting a Fendi wallet.
884
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:01,560
Vittoria, the hot chick from Verona,
with hair that goes swoosh.
885
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:02,520
[laughter]
886
00:44:03,240 --> 00:44:04,400
And there was me.
887
00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:09,760
Frizzy hair, only one breast.
Braces top and bottom.
888
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:12,080
A Picasso painting.
889
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:15,720
I felt as solid and self-confident
890
00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:19,200
as any other structure
built thanks to Camorra money.
891
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:20,840
[laughter]
892
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,880
Eventually,
893
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,200
it'd be time for the teen disco night.
894
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:26,960
It would start at 10:00 p.m.
895
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:29,040
I wouldn't find some semblance of courage
896
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:30,880
until 11:40 p.m.
897
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,320
[laughter]
898
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:34,680
At some stage, I tell myself,
899
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:36,320
"It's my time,
900
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:38,200
it's my life,
901
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:39,520
I'll go crazy
902
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:41,200
on the dance floor!"
903
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,600
I take my braces off.
904
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:47,240
I get rid of the sweatshirt
tied around the waist to cover my ass.
905
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,240
Side note: it was about 100 degrees.
906
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,080
And after years of ballet,
907
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,600
I sensually descend on the dance floor.
908
00:44:58,360 --> 00:44:59,920
[laughter]
909
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:05,400
[laughter]
910
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:09,920
[laughter]
911
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,640
I see the hottest guy in the group
coming towards me.
912
00:45:14,720 --> 00:45:16,800
The beefcake from Brianza.
913
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,080
17 years old, tall, white shirt,
914
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,920
gelled-back hair,
915
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:25,360
and a Nokia that could
take photos. In 2004.
916
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:28,520
He was Elon Musk.
917
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:31,280
He comes towards me.
918
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:34,360
I just can't believe
he's coming to talk to me
919
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,880
and not to Victoria,
the hot chick from Verona.
920
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,080
I just can't!
921
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,360
He gets closer.
922
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:40,280
And I…
923
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:44,240
And he says, "Michela."
924
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:45,600
And I say, "Yes?"
925
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:46,880
"Your mom is here."
926
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:50,160
The DJ plays Carmina Burana.
927
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,120
I look up and I see her.
928
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,800
Mom is wearing a nightgown,
929
00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:57,880
and is wielding a slipper
930
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:01,240
like Nikita Khrushchev
at the UN headquarters in New York.
931
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:05,560
"What time are you getting back?"
932
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,960
The other teen club kids are like…
933
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:14,280
So I say, "Don't worry."
934
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:17,440
"I'll just pretend to go home,
then I'll sneak out and come back."
935
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:19,320
[laughs awkwardly, sighs]
936
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:20,680
So I go home,
937
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,520
leaving behind
a den of love, life and drugs.
938
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:26,360
This is my bio on LinkedIn, by the way.
939
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:27,760
[laughter]
940
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,920
So you see,
I've grown up with crippling anxiety.
941
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,720
I'm always scared that, out of the blue,
942
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:37,080
my mom could pop out shouting,
943
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:41,000
"I was right! You spoke for an hour!
And that lady is dying of boredom!"
944
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,120
This is my main fear.
945
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,600
I wish I didn't care.
946
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:49,600
In this age of rules and labels,
947
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,120
I wish I could stop caring, says…
948
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:56,560
[laughter]
949
00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:59,920
The young, tough, not stick-thin woman
950
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,240
who's not classically pretty
but has a nice face,
951
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,640
is a self-made entrepreneur
who rubs her thighs
952
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:06,600
on Italia's Got Talent."
953
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,160
This is not an easy life.
954
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,400
[applause]
955
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:23,720
I wish I had the strength of not caring
about other people's opinions.
956
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,040
I mean, it's 2022.
957
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,200
But you see,
958
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:29,640
I do not have the strength.
959
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:32,880
The only one who has
is Cristina, my sister,
960
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:35,200
because she has Asperger's.
961
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:38,800
I don't know how much
you know about Asperger's.
962
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,200
I didn't know what it was,
963
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:43,680
so in 2006
I looked it up on a reliable source:
964
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:44,920
Yahoo! Answers.
965
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:49,320
Giovanna from Pordenone replied,
966
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,920
"Yes, my cat had it."
967
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,600
"It threw up hairballs for four days
968
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:56,160
while watching daytime TV,
but he's fine now."
969
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:00,040
Actually, Asperger's varies
970
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:02,760
from person to person.
971
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:05,320
In my sister's case,
972
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,440
it manifests as having no filter.
973
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:11,240
She's like a big baby.
She says it like it is.
974
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:15,720
She's scared of two kinds of people,
975
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,880
poor people and ugly people.
976
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:20,000
I know.
977
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,560
My sister is a right-wing disabled.
978
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,840
[laughter, applause]
979
00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:37,680
You see,
980
00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:41,000
when she sees poor people,
981
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:45,040
she imagines the day when my parents
won't be be able to care for her.
982
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:47,240
And when she sees ugly people,
983
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:51,400
she sees ugly people, that's just it.
I wish I had a better rationale.
984
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:54,440
So as you can imagine,
985
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,120
growing up with her was a dream
986
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:00,960
because my life went from mono to stereo.
987
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:03,760
I wouldn't be here with you,
if it wasn't for her.
988
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,560
I wouldn't be here
telling you about my own shit,
989
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:08,360
and being paid for it,
990
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:09,560
if it wasn't for her.
991
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,160
I would have grown up
992
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:13,360
to be a perfectly thin lawyer
993
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,360
with a cheating husband who tells her
he loves her three times a day,
994
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:19,080
and three kids named Gianmaria.
995
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:21,760
And I'd say,
"Michela Giraud is quite funny."
996
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:23,640
"She could do with dropping 20 kg."
997
00:49:23,720 --> 00:49:25,800
And I'd vote for Brothers of Italy.
998
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:26,960
[laughter]
999
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,280
This is who I'd be.
1000
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:29,720
[applause]
1001
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:32,480
This person.
1002
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:34,720
And…
1003
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,640
I owe my sister everything.
1004
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:39,360
But you see,
1005
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:42,120
growing up with her wasn't easy.
1006
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,480
When she wanted to ask someone,
"What do you do?" at a party,
1007
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:48,160
her anxiety turned her question
into something like…
1008
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:50,720
[chuckling]
1009
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:51,640
"You!"
1010
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:53,880
"You."
1011
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:57,840
"What do you do?"
1012
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,320
"I'm unemployed at the moment."
1013
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,880
[gasps]
1014
00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:05,680
"Michela!"
1015
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:07,880
"Why did you take me to a party
1016
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,640
full of cheapskates?"
1017
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:12,640
In true Goldoni-style.
1018
00:50:12,720 --> 00:50:14,160
[applause]
1019
00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:15,880
Very 18th-century theater.
1020
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:19,280
I was…
1021
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:21,840
I had to say,
1022
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:24,480
"No, she didn't mean it, really."
1023
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:26,880
"Believe me, she is…"
1024
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,640
"She's just a bit nervous."
1025
00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:31,520
Sometimes she'd ask my best friend,
1026
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:32,560
"Francesco?"
1027
00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:36,080
"Are you coming on the cruise with us?"
1028
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,360
"No, this year I can't."
1029
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:39,280
[gasps]
1030
00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:40,800
"Daddy!"
1031
00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:43,680
"Promise me
we'll never become poor like he is!"
1032
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:44,760
[laughter]
1033
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:47,240
This one time,
1034
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:51,320
a friend of mine,
who's not exactly a Greek god,
1035
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,280
knocked on the door
and my sister went to open.
1036
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:55,800
And she did this.
1037
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:58,920
[laughs]
1038
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:04,520
[laughs]
1039
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:09,280
[laughs]
1040
00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,360
"Wow, you're really ugly!" Slam!
1041
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:16,360
She slammed the door in his face.
1042
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:19,080
But ten minutes later he was still there.
1043
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:21,200
[crowd laughing]
1044
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,720
My sister is very determined.
1045
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:30,240
If she wants something,
she really wants it.
1046
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:31,960
She's like Kim Jong-un.
1047
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:34,800
You could compare
the atmosphere in North Korea
1048
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:36,960
to the one at my house
1049
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,200
whenever we have lunch together.
1050
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:43,480
One year, for Easter,
we went to this holiday farm in Tuscany.
1051
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:48,960
I was so proud of having booked
a secluded little spot,
1052
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:50,480
basically in the fireplace.
1053
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:54,720
Eventually, we come to having dessert,
1054
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:55,760
still unharmed.
1055
00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:59,560
The place is so peaceful.
And then, a child…
1056
00:52:01,240 --> 00:52:03,160
A fucking child
1057
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:05,480
stands up
1058
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:09,280
and starts singing like this.
1059
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:13,480
[laughter]
1060
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:17,080
♪ Tell me something, boy ♪
1061
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,960
And the room goes, "Oh!"
1062
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:21,840
This is me.
1063
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:23,280
And my father.
1064
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,040
My Mom. And my sister…
1065
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:26,360
[laughs as sister]
1066
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,320
"I want to sing."
1067
00:52:34,480 --> 00:52:39,800
"No. No, darling, no.
There's no need to sing, really."
1068
00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:43,200
"You have so many gifts.
She's just a child."
1069
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:48,520
"You don't need to show her up.
Let her sing."
1070
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:50,080
And my sister, "All right."
1071
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:51,280
And the child…
1072
00:52:55,080 --> 00:53:01,760
[continues indistinctly singing "Shallow"]
1073
00:53:01,840 --> 00:53:02,680
And my sister…
1074
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:06,360
♪ We go to the shallows now! ♪
1075
00:53:06,440 --> 00:53:09,760
♪ In the shallows, shallows ♪
1076
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:13,000
♪ In the sha-sha-shallows ♪
1077
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:15,800
♪ In the shallows, shallows ♪
1078
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:20,000
♪ We go to the shallows now… ♪
1079
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:23,440
[holds note]
1080
00:53:23,520 --> 00:53:25,520
[applause]
1081
00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:32,400
[continues holding note]
1082
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:41,920
[crowd cheering]
1083
00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:46,800
You'd think
1084
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:48,320
that the room would go…
1085
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:50,400
♪ In the shallows ♪
1086
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:51,560
No!
1087
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,320
People are petrified.
1088
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:54,440
[laughter]
1089
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,240
A lady behind me.
1090
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:57,240
Her husband.
1091
00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,040
The roast lamb on their plate.
1092
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:01,120
[laughter]
1093
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:04,160
And then I became a teenager.
1094
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:08,560
As a teenager, I would wake up and state,
1095
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:10,840
"I'm alive!"
1096
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:11,880
"Unfortunately."
1097
00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:15,560
My number one enemy was the mirror.
1098
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:18,880
I'd look at trucks on the road
1099
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:21,200
with a heart filled with hope, not fear.
1100
00:54:21,280 --> 00:54:23,160
[laughter]
1101
00:54:23,720 --> 00:54:24,760
And…
1102
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:26,840
[applause]
1103
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:33,560
You see, at that time,
1104
00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:35,880
I used to spend my summers
1105
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:38,520
in a snobbish place just outside Rome
1106
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:42,080
populated by cool, snobby kids
with their little cliques.
1107
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:45,160
While I would hide in the bushes
1108
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,680
like some offshore bank account in Fiji.
1109
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:51,680
My sister, however, would say,
1110
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:53,000
"Guys!"
1111
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:56,840
"Wanna meet my sister? There she is!"
1112
00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:58,600
[laughter]
1113
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:02,640
"Michela!
Wanna be friends with these guys?"
1114
00:55:02,720 --> 00:55:05,320
"Guys, my sister is super funny!"
1115
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:09,800
"Michela! Did you pee yourself?"
1116
00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:11,000
[laughter]
1117
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,960
Inside, I was dying.
Rotting like the Tiber.
1118
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:16,480
[laughter]
1119
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:18,560
I'd say, "Sure."
1120
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,320
"Hi guys, it's me. The normal sister."
1121
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:27,800
At 15, I'd fake the self-confidence
of a 30-something-year-old woman
1122
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:31,240
even though I didn't know
I had to remove a tampon's applicator.
1123
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:33,600
[laughter, applause]
1124
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:44,480
It's not easy having a disabled sibling.
1125
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:47,720
It's like when your sibling is a rockstar.
1126
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:51,640
Everyone expects you
to be something special.
1127
00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:55,480
"All right, this one is disabled,
1128
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:58,280
what about the other one?"
1129
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:02,440
When I was 14, my persona was,
"I never study. I'm a rebel."
1130
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,600
"I have a Nirvana sweatshirt.
I'm such a rebel."
1131
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,240
"You failed the math test."
1132
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,360
"No!"
1133
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,800
Things weren't easy, in the '90s.
1134
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:18,000
People didn't really get
what disability was.
1135
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:21,000
The only disabled people they knew
were those in a wheelchair.
1136
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:24,280
If you didn't have that,
they'd question you.
1137
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:27,520
People wouldn't ask me things like,
1138
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:31,360
"Michela, you're incredibly beautiful.
What's your secret?"
1139
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:34,200
No, they would look at me
and go like this…
1140
00:56:35,560 --> 00:56:37,000
[laughter]
1141
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:39,800
"Your sister…"
1142
00:56:41,280 --> 00:56:42,600
"What's wrong with her?"
1143
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:44,360
[laughter]
1144
00:56:44,880 --> 00:56:46,160
"Does she have it?"
1145
00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:49,320
"The disabled parking permit?"
1146
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:50,720
[laughter]
1147
00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:52,680
"No, my sister can walk."
1148
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,280
"How come?"
1149
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,760
"If you have the disabled badge,
you're part of a caste."
1150
00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:00,480
"You can park in the center of Rome."
1151
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:03,240
"You can get the best seats
at the Olimpico for the derby."
1152
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:05,480
"You get first row seats
to Måneskin for free."
1153
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:07,760
"It's a golden ticket!"
1154
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:11,840
"You're holding a golden ticket
and you don't know it."
1155
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:15,920
"Do you get discounts at IKEA?"
1156
00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:19,400
"Assembling furniture
is a struggle for normal people,
1157
00:57:19,480 --> 00:57:21,360
let alone for those like your sister."
1158
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:24,520
"Is it always Black Friday for you?"
1159
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,120
[laughter]
1160
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:28,240
"Do you get free cinema tickets?"
1161
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:31,440
"Not that your sister understands movies."
1162
00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:34,040
"No, it doesn't work like that."
1163
00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:38,480
"What's wrong with her?
Is she differently-abled?
1164
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:41,920
"I mean, otherwise
she wouldn't be like this."
1165
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:45,400
"What's wrong with her?
Has she got Down's?"
1166
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,400
"Is she more up or more Down?"
1167
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:49,360
"Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood."
1168
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:52,040
[laughs, snorts]
1169
00:57:53,160 --> 00:57:55,440
"What is she, spastic?"
1170
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:56,360
"No."
1171
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:58,640
-"Is she Bamboleiro?"
-"What's Bamboleiro?"
1172
00:57:58,720 --> 00:57:59,760
"Yes, Bamboleiro!"
1173
00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:02,640
"Like those people who walk funny,
with mangled legs."
1174
00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:06,720
"And you sing to them,
♪ Bamboleiro! Bamboleiro! ♪"
1175
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:09,720
[applause]
1176
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:20,160
"Maybe it's your parents' fault."
1177
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:21,840
"Are you transgender?"
1178
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,200
"Nothing to do with that."
1179
00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:25,760
"Are you curvy?"
1180
00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:27,760
[laughter]
1181
00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:29,080
"Are you Jewish?"
1182
00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:31,240
"Are you Romani?"
1183
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:32,920
"Nothing to do…"
1184
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,520
"But you said your dad was from Naples."
1185
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:37,040
[laughter]
1186
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:39,440
"Listen, don't you dare…"
1187
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:40,960
"Okay, I get it,
1188
00:58:41,040 --> 00:58:43,160
but have you seen a nutritionist?"
1189
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:45,920
"Or an exorcist?"
1190
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:48,400
"Have you sent her
to Italia's Got Talent?"
1191
00:58:48,480 --> 00:58:50,240
[laughter]
1192
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:54,040
"You know what? I feel for your parents."
1193
00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:57,880
"They had one disabled child
and they had the courage to try again."
1194
00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:00,960
"And you came along.
You're not exactly stick-thin."
1195
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:03,160
"No offense."
1196
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:05,440
"I just have chubby arms!"
1197
00:59:05,520 --> 00:59:08,960
"Don't be so touchy! What did I say?"
1198
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:10,600
"Listen,
1199
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:14,440
I'm gonna confess something."
1200
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:16,800
"It's such a difficult thing."
1201
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:18,440
"My father…"
1202
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:24,280
[laughter]
1203
00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:33,440
"…has high cholesterol."
1204
00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:35,520
[laughter]
1205
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:37,600
[applause]
1206
00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:49,600
"Luckily, they gave him
the disabled parking permit."
1207
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,120
"But he had to insist! Unbelievable!"
1208
00:59:52,200 --> 00:59:53,880
I'll tell you the truth.
1209
00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:56,480
Yes, my sister wears
a colander on her head.
1210
00:59:56,560 --> 01:00:00,400
When I was a kid,
I never saw her as different.
1211
01:00:00,480 --> 01:00:03,560
But I could see it in other people's eyes.
1212
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:06,000
I could see their looks.
1213
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:09,560
When we went somewhere, they'd move away.
1214
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:12,560
And at one stage, I started wondering.
1215
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:16,600
I asked, "Mom,
why are people avoiding us?"
1216
01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:18,880
"Why don't we get invited to parties?"
1217
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:20,600
"Or to dinners?"
1218
01:00:20,680 --> 01:00:22,600
"Why do they look at us as if we were…
1219
01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:25,360
monsters?"
1220
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:35,600
And my Mom said,
1221
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:40,280
"Don't worry, my darling. You see…
1222
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:43,760
our head is like a saucepan
1223
01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:47,320
and we jam in so much information."
1224
01:00:47,400 --> 01:00:49,880
"But your sister doesn't have a saucepan."
1225
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,360
"She has a colander."
1226
01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:54,920
[applause]
1227
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:57,760
And…
1228
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:04,680
Since I used to play
with a colander on my head,
1229
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:07,760
I asked, "Mom, do I have
the same syndrome she has?"
1230
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:09,640
"No, you're just curvy."
1231
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:10,840
[laughter]
1232
01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:12,920
[applause]
1233
01:01:16,960 --> 01:01:17,880
Okay.
1234
01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:22,960
I'd like to dedicate this show
1235
01:01:23,480 --> 01:01:26,960
to my Mom, to my grandmas, to my sister,
1236
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,880
and to a person who did so much for me
1237
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:33,600
and deserves a special mention.
1238
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:35,800
Fuck you, Ms. Pina!
1239
01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:38,240
Fuck off!
1240
01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:41,320
-[mic feedback squeals]
-[crowd cheering]
1241
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:44,760
[upbeat music playing]
1242
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:48,760
[cheering continues]
1243
01:01:57,800 --> 01:01:59,440
♪ Saturday night ♪
1244
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:03,680
♪ It's Saturday night ♪
1245
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:07,960
Thank you.
1246
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:09,440
[cheering]
1247
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:10,360
Thank you.
1248
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:12,440
♪ It's Saturday night ♪
1249
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:15,440
[music continues]
1250
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:17,120
♪ Saturday night ♪
1251
01:02:19,720 --> 01:02:21,520
♪ It's Saturday night ♪
1252
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:27,000
-♪ It's Saturday night ♪
-[cheering]
1253
01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:30,440
♪ It's Saturday night ♪
1254
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:33,600
[music continues]
1255
01:03:00,040 --> 01:03:01,600
♪ Saturday night ♪
1256
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:06,040
♪ It's Saturday night ♪
1257
01:03:08,920 --> 01:03:10,400
[music ends]
1258
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:36,600
Subtitle translation by: Luisa Zamboni