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Ladies and gentlemen, what a pleasure it is to be here this evening.
I'd like to take a second to let you know...
This is one of the most beautiful audiences I ever seen in my goddamn life.
You niggas came to see...
When I say niggas...
I mean all of us.
White people, y'all in the building this evening?
-Make some noise, white people!
Look at niggas shocked. "What?"
And spread out, too.
We got the best of the best.
Where's my Hispanic family in the building? Where's the Latinx?
-A-ha!
A-ha!
Well, you know there's a virus out there that will kill a motherfucker.
Got to be something special to have me here.
Let's see what it is.
Where's the ladies in the building? Make some noise.
-Ladies in the building!
-Mm-hm!
Did you smell that in there? That was a lot of good uterus.
Mm-hm. That was some high estrogen levels.
I got the best audience. And I had to have it.
A pandemic made you restructure your life.
You miss your family.
Y'all are my motherfucking family.
For the ten-year challenge, I don't even recognize this shit.
Is this the real world?
This shit is crazy. You don't know what to believe.
Don't nobody even make up conspiracy theories no more.
The truth is fucked up enough.
For everybody.
You don't know what the fuck to believe.
Some of y'all in here got three vaccinations and four boosters!
And you just as scared of the next variant as the next motherfucker.
We don't know what to believe.
Ten years ago, we even said we don't let motherfuckers tell us what to do.
We let them tell us, the worldwide doctors told us to get the vaccine.
These dirty sons of bitches, they ain't showing us not nair a doctor.
I guess Dr. Fauci made all the vaccines.
He the only one we ever see!
Don't get me wrong, I don't give a fuck.
I don't mind taking the vaccine.
When I take my dog to the vet, I get whatever shots he's getting.
He get a rabies shot, me too. That's my friend, bitch.
I'm as likely to bite somebody as he is.
Crazy world. You don't know what to believe.
The truth is just as strange as fiction.
Taco Bell...
selling chicken wings.
This is a revelation, bitch!
Crack you wide open at the scene.
Some of you niggas is tearing up them pigeon winglets.
Fucking up them Mac Tenders.
You don't know what the fuck to believe.
That's how it is.
You may not know what to fucking believe.
The truth can be stranger than fiction. They won't tell you shit.
They won't tell you that Wendy Williams is Sasquatch.
That bitch is Bigfoot!
Every time you see her go on hiatus,
that's when you start seeing sightings of Bigfoot.
The truth will come out later. You'll see.
Just saying, they'll tell us anything.
That's why it's called World War III.
'Cause there's a whole motherfucking war going on right now.
And they ain't telling us shit.
We don't even know whose side is what.
Whole war going on.
Fortunately, for us, it's simple. It ain't even complicated.
White people, don't get nervous.
It ain't about race this time.
Mm-mm. Ain't about money this time.
No, no.
This time it's a lie versus the truth.
Just that simple. A lie versus the truth. That's it.
Just a lie versus the truth. Ah!
The lie...
I'm not here to say what side is the best side.
I'm just saying, them's the sides.
Watch this. Where is all the lovers of truth at in the building?
Make some noise if you love the truth.
Whoo! Look at the lovers of truth. Strong in this bitch.
Keep that same energy.
Don't switch up on me.
So, lovers of truth. Watch this.
Where's all the liars in the building? Make some noise. Liars.
Yeah!
Look at the lovers of truth. "What? I didn't think they would tell the truth."
Liars do what the fuck they want to do.
Just understand, there's two sides.
You always got to have a proper respect for your opps.
One of these sides don't respect the opps.
The lovers of truth, they don't give a fuck about the lie.
And they will tell you,
"Bitch, this is the truth right here. I don't give a fuck!"
You tell them about the lie. The lie ain't shit.
Shit.
Liars run the world.
Better respect it.
Liars run the world. For every time one lie gets told,
one million people make one million dollars.
For every lie, you know who the fuck pays for it?
Whoever the fuck don't know it's a lie. That's who the fuck pays for it.
Yep. And they lie to all of us. Not some of us.
Look at white people, "Not us." Yes.
All of us.
They lie to us all together.
They told all of us in here.
There's a chicken wing shortage.
Look at people of all races and religions, genders and creeds all agree.
"They sure did say that."
They told all of us.
There's a chicken wing shortage.
Doesn't matter how much we all love chicken.
We didn't riot in the streets.
We didn't burn burger places down.
We just believed them.
But liars always leave a clue.
They think they smarter than them is.
They say it to all of us, "There is a chicken wing shortage."
Did you notice they did not say it was a shortage of chickens?
Said it was a chicken wing shortage.
But they did not say...
it was a shortage of chickens.
Now, I know some of y'all don't grow up on the farm.
Maybe you don't see a chicken every day.
But try to envision in your mind what a chicken looks like.
'Cause if a liar can get you to believe some shit,
they don't stop there. They double down.
Just so you knew they was lying, they said some shit next,
that don't even make mathematical sense.
They said there's a chicken wing shortage...
but we got plenty of thighs.
Where the fuck would you get plenty of thighs from, bitch?
Look, I'm not a farmer.
Or a scientist. But I will tell you this,
all chicken wings… come from a chicken.
They get two wings, two thighs.
So don't start talking about you got a whole bunch of thighs.
Where the fuck are you getting these spider leg chickens from?
See, the problem is, some of y'all believe in God,
some of y'all believe in science.
I believe in both.
Science might have done some things, and God did some things.
Science might have made a lot of shit, but God made the chicken.
You ain't going to tell me. God made the chicken.
He did that for the world.
That's how you know it's from God.
What group of people don't fuck with chicken?
Look at the vegans. "Just us."
God made the chicken.
That bitch ain't safe nowhere.
Every time a chicken's foot hits the ground,
somebody want to put that bitch in grease.
In China, in France, in Europe, in Mississippi.
That's how you know God made it,
because that bird is the most delicious bird.
In the whole world!
And that motherfucker can't fly.
'Cause God loves you.
If chickens could fly, half the motherfuckers in here
would be dead right now if you had to...
if you had to catch your own two-piece, you'll die.
You just in the backyard...
"That was a spicy combo, too. I can't keep missing these opportunities."
Anyway...
I'm just saying, figure out what you can trust.
'Cause it used to be it was people out there that we trusted.
Their job made us trust them.
That they would do the right thing by us.
That shit is gone-gone.
Been gone.
What the fuck you mean?
They want you to do shit that don't make no sense.
That's why I won't even talk about politics no more.
Ain't shit to talk about.
What the fuck I'm supposed to do if both sides is the dumb side?
I don't even want to play no more!
What the fuck is this shit?
But that's America.
We just don't want what we had last.
Ten years ago, some of you ladies was with a full-fledged gangbanger.
Look at you ten years later in here with that bank teller.
You look like you work at the bank.
That's how our country do.
We don't give a fuck. Just don't give us the last shit.
We traded in a crazy, deranged, erratic motherfucker.
We traded him in
for a Weekend at Bernie's.
Too much going on.
You can't believe nothing that people say.
This is some crazy shit.
You motherfuckers is vicious.
You don't give a fuck about nobody.
Motherfucker, I'm so sick of motherfuckers talking shit about Joe Biden.
"Joe need to get his shit together."
"You need to wake up, Joe."
"Go Brandon, Joe."
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Who raised you?
Joe Biden is 96 motherfucking years old, bitch.
You gave Paw Paw the job, bitch.
You gave Great-Granddad the job, bitch.
Now, you want Big Daddy to get his shit together.
Joe Biden is doing the best he motherfucking can.
That man is 97 years old.
People talking shit about Joe Biden.
"I don't like the way he left Afghanistan."
Bitch, how the fuck do you think a 98-year-old man leave a fight?
Quickly and quietly, I bet you.
Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this.
Joe is doing the best he fucking can.
Give him a fucking break. Joe is 99 goddamn years old.
If you are lucky enough to have a great-granddaddy,
call him up right now on the phone and ask him
is he ready to do 12 press conferences tomorrow, bitch.
No, he is not.
Joe be doing the best he can.
He show up at all the press conferences.
You can ask Joe anything.
But he only going to answer half...
of what the question is.
He is not going to let you know when he get off at the nearest exit.
They said, "Joe...
America just dealt with a terrible hurricane season.
Do you have some words of encouragement for the American people about hurricanes?"
Joe said...
"Thank you so much for asking.
First of all, our thoughts and prayers go out to all the families
dealing with hurricanes throughout the entire United States.
What a lot of Americans have been doing
to fight the hurricanes is getting vaccinated."
There's too much shit going on.
Too much shit going on.
They doing their best with Joe.
Every morning, they tell Joe, "Joe, today...
Don't say shit today, Joe."
"No, I want to tell the American people."
I love it.
And that's how you can tell the Vice President is a real Black woman.
You don't see her nowhere.
She ain't at the mall, at the club, nothing.
She in her room at the White House.
Too much shit going on.
Too much shit.
It all come down to the lie and the truth.
Just got to deal with it.
Them motherfuckers don't want to tell us the truth about shit.
Nothing.
You notice they don't even talk about the war on drugs no more?
You think that's because there ain't no more war?
Or there ain't no more drugs?
They don't tell us shit!
They don't talk about drugs no more.
'Cause for the first time in history...
Black people...
ain't making none of the drugs.
Look at white people. "What?"
Yep.
Yep. I know, white people.
You finding what I'm saying hard to believe.
I'ma tell you a statistic that's gonna blow your fucking mind.
There are zero niggas
making Fentanyl.
Look at white people. "What?"
Yep.
You better believe it, white people.
We would notice if niggas was dropping dead for nothing.
I looked up Fentanyl. That shit is beyond dangerous.
I said, "What you got to do to die?" They said, "Touch it."
That's when I knew, niggas ain't involved in this.
We like to touch everything we buy.
We would notice niggas dying at the purchase.
His last words were, "This must be it."
Mm-hmm… Yep.
It's a crazy world out there now.
They don't want to talk to you about drugs.
They ain't talking about the opioid crisis.
And it's fucking up everybody's community.
Everybody got a favorite pill.
Everybody got a go-to…
for when times get rough.
There's a whole opioid crisis. They ain't even talkin' about it.
You know why?
'Cause ain't nobody going the fuck to jail.
Ain't no houses getting raided. Ain't nobody being looked into.
You know why? Because the dealer is your doctor.
Look at niggas. "Dr. Fauci?"
That is not your doctor, niggas.
Stop putting him on your insurance paperwork now.
"He's the only one I trust."
They don't tell us shit.
If they really want to lie to us,
they don't tell us nothing about it at all.
You notice they don't ever fucking tell you where methamphetamines come from?
They act like that shit come from a trailer park.
That's one of the strongest drugs known to man.
Amen.
There ain't no other drug make your teeth itch.
Like bitch, I don't even think teeth itch.
You're just scratching the shit out of your mouth.
They don't want you to know shit
about motherfucking meth.
Guess who the fuck discovered that shit and was the first to distribute
and manufacture it?
Somebody we all motherfucking know, too.
Adolf Hitler.
What?
How the fuck did they leave that out of the book?
They told us the Nazis was the scariest military in the world.
But they never told us why.
They was not just making the meth,
they rationing it to themselves.
Every day.
Putting it in chocolate, and coffee, and tea.
Fuck with the Nazis if you want to, bitch.
Them motherfuckers is the only military don't need to eat.
Or sleep.
As long as they got teeth to scratch.
You fighting the Nazis, you look out,
they are 750 miles away.
We'll see them bitches in three days.
And you go to sleep.
When you wake up, them bitches is in front of the house
on the Ring cam.
They don't tell us shit.
They lie to all of us.
They lie to us 'cause sometimes the truth is ugly.
Yes!
Sometimes the truth… is painful.
But if you love the truth, it's the motherfucking truth.
But we all get lied to.
Look at the Christians, "Not us."
Yep. Y'all too.
Used to be you could count on the Christians
to holler out a warning to your ass
from time to time that you ain't even ask for.
They'll just throw it out there.
"It's the last days!"
Now, the Christians don't say nothing.
Now that there's real plagues outside.
The Christians going to church on Sunday like Joe Biden.
But the truth is, all of us get lied to.
Even the Christians.
They'll lie to any of us.
'Cause they just don't want you to know the fucking truth
'cause you might feel good about yourself.
It's only that,
or they don't want to tell you 'cause they know it'll fuck you up.
But it's the truth though.
They made that whole Garden of Eden up.
Putting slander on our Lord.
Talking about an apple tree.
Oh, and they ate the apple.
Hey, bitch, my God don't fuck with fruit like that.
What the fuck?
You act like God will put our whole life on the line
over a piece of fruit, bitch?
If God didn't want you to eat the fruit,
he wouldn't have made the fruit.
They just covering up a lie. 'Cause the truth too painful.
Ain't no motherfucking apple tree, bitch.
You are the tree. This is the tree.
You the tree, bitch. You are the tree.
All right? So if you the tree, then what the fuck… is the fruit?
This is the fruit.
If this is the tree...
this is the fruit.
The message was...
don't touch the fruit.
They lied to the Christians, too.
Made up a bunch of religious stories 'cause they didn't want you
to know the truth, 'cause the truth is painful.
The truth is, your mama's a ho.
Look at the Christians, "That's far enough, Katt."
Yep.
That's the story of Genesis.
Your mama's a ho.
Look at you. Still don't even want to believe me? "No!"
Yep. You're talking about the lady that...
fucked the man and the snake
in front of God!
This bitch was for the streets...
5,000 years before they came up with streets!
But you believe the world is fucked up
'cause of fruit.
No, it ain't that.
Adam was God's son.
So who the fuck was Eve?
That wasn't his motherfucking wife. That wasn't his girlfriend.
That was God's daughter, bitch.
The fuck?
That's incest, bitch.
That shit cannot be fixed.
That's why they ratchet ass got thrown out the garden.
There they got 'em as relationship goals.
They're saying they lie to all of us.
Don't want to tell us nothing about nothing.
We done been to 300 planets in space. Three hundred!
Earth, moon,
plus 300!
We done been there.
Now, you notice they ain't never bringing back no souvenirs?
There's some shit they don't want you to know.
Down here on this planet, we know all about evolution.
Don't we know evolution? We know exactly how it work.
We know life will find a way.
It'll start out small.
And then, it just gets better, and better, and better, and better.
That's evolution.
We done been to 300 motherfucking planets now.
And guess what?
It ain't no evolution...
...on not nair-one of them goddamn planets!
Not none. Not even a little, teeny, "nichey" bit.
Just rocks and dirt.
Uh-huh. Every single planet.
Uh-huh. 'Cause they found out the two most valuable things in the universe.
Other than God, it ain't but two things valuable in the universe.
Water.
And pussy.
Look at the ladies, "I'm sitting on one of them."
Look at the Vegas professionals, "I'm sitting on both of them."
Yeah. They don't want to tell you that shit.
Nothing else in the world means shit.
Other than God, it's just water and pussy.
Why? 'Cause science ain't make them.
God made them.
You know how you know God made water and not science?
Water is the only thing in the universe you know the recipe...
and you can't make none.
"Say it one more time, Katt, for the people in the back."
Uh-huh.
Anything else, you want to make it, you just need the recipe.
Soon as you get it,
you can make you some.
Not this, though.
God made this.
And we all know the recipe, H to the 2 to the O.
-Hey!
If you put an H and an O together by yourself,
you'll just have a ho.
Now, you can lead a ho to water, but she ain't going to make none.
Yep.
I don't give a fuck how good at science you are.
You can't take hydrogen, and put that with oxygen,
and come up with no type of water.
Not tap water. Not rainwater. Not Flint water. Nothing.
That's 'cause God made it.
It can do five or six things by itself.
It can be ice. You can swim in it.
Relax in it. Bathe in it.
Swim in it. Drown in it. Die in it.
Just like pussy. That's why they both on the list.
Water and pussy.
-"Why are you saying pussy, Katt?" -Why?
'Cause it's…
the second greatest thing in the entire universe.
It's something that exists that mathematically should not exist!
The pussy is a fax machine before machines.
You fuck me, I make a copy of you, nigga.
And understand...
women don't have magical, supernatural powers of regrowth.
If a woman cuts off her fingertip, she can't grow it back.
But she can grow a whole life...
in her side job.
And still deliver a delicious mango for you to eat later.
Shouldn't exist.
But it does.
They don't want to tell you that, 'cause you'd value it.
I heard y'all men under the sound of my voice.
If you don't have a pussy, get you one.
They are a valued commodity in the universe.
Look at some of the fellas, "I have two."
Later, they'll call it investing.
They don't tell us shit.
They don't want you to know you a superhero.
Every last person in here is a motherfucking superhero.
I know it don't feel like it tonight.
Two hundred motherfucking years from now,
they going to be writing books about all of y'all.
The motherfucking group of motherfuckers that did shit that cannot be done.
These motherfuckers fought an opp that cannot be fought.
These motherfuckers' opp was air.
They could die at any breath.
They're going to be talking about y'all, real superheroes,
and it's that time you can change your whole life
if you don't like your life.
You ain't never got to commit suicide. You can just change, bitch.
Ladies, if you don't like the way you look,
for $22,000 you can change that shit.
You can go to the Dominican Republic and come back,
and nobody in your family will recognize you, bitch.
You just got to understand, it's science,
and it's God. Just don't ignore God.
Don't overdo it.
God knows what's best for you.
You don't know your spine is built to take 90 pounds, ladies.
Some of your spines say 90 pounds at the bottom.
God wrote, right there, 90 pounds.
You done went to the Dominican Republic, and got 72 pounds of titties,
68 pounds of ass,
and put it on that same stock frame.
When you turn 55, bitch,
you are going to fold up like a fan at the nursing home.
But you can be a superhero.
Fellas, they got a trap out there for us, too.
Sometimes, Satan sounds just like the Lord.
If you five-foot,
Satan set a trap out there.
They got a surgery, five-foot men, they got a surgery.
Only take one night.
It give you six inches of height
overnight!
-Look at the short niggas, "What?"
That's right.
Walk in that bitch 5'5", come out 6'1".
I was tempted.
You know how much motherfucking money I got, bitch?
I could be 7'3" right now.
I'm talking to you niggas like it's regular.
I'm on my fourth procedure.
But you got to trust God.
Can't trust them science for everything.
Yeah. Yeah. As a fella, you going to look good,
leaning on your car for six feet for the first time.
But eventually, some nigga's going to ask you to do some nigga shit.
And you are not going to be able to do that shit with your scientific legs.
So, this one nigga wanted to play basketball, hit you with the...
Their whole body going to break down, nigga.
Nigga, you know these are my new legs. I got these this weekend.
You niggas know I ain't took these to the gym or nothing, nigga.
Got two calves on each leg.
Nobody can beat what God make.
That's what makes pussy so delicious.
Over the pandemic I was able to explore pussies
I had never even...
I'd never even tried before. Different flavors, and...
varieties. Mm, mm… All delicious.
I learned some shit.
I learned I don't even have no preference.
I just got two that I prefer...
over the rest.
But any 'gina is a good 'gina.
Fellas, think about the worst piece of pussy you ever come across.
That vagina was worth four penises.
Treasure your vaginas.
They're collectibles.
It's true!
My favorite type of all of them
is, uh, the creamer.
Ladies, don't do that. Look at the creamers.
Ain't nothing like the creamer.
Whoo!
Ladies, science has just found out that scientifically,
for every one drop of cream your vagina produces,
that is worth 32 extra strokes...
…from your man at any time.
As a man, we can be just ready to quit, we just in the middle of the dismount.
All right. That's about it.
If you see one little piece of cream,
it's a whole new game now!
Now, motherfuckers wanna be magicians now.
There's the cream. Where's the cream? There's the cream. Where's the cream?
There's the cream. Cream on a nigga, then. Cream on a nigga.
Any cream.
Ladies, when science finds out what food...
makes vagina creamy...
that shit ain't going to stay on the shelf.
It's going to be gone!
Look at the women with the dry coochies trying to look at me
like they know what I'm talking about.
"Cream seems unsanitary."
Whoo!
Ain't nothing fucking with that creamy, now.
Only thing better than the creamy...
is the squirter.
Ladies, don't do that shit.
No. Statistically, 65% of all men have heard of a squirter.
But they ain't never been squirted upon.
So you ladies make that noise, there goes men of all races doing...
'Cause if you come to Vegas and get a squirter,
nigga, that's like winning the jackpot.
Nothing is better than a squirter.
Now, understand...
as males, we never understood the squirt, anyway.
We always wondered why she wouldn't
let us know…
beforehand...
that she's planning on squirting.
Fellas, scientifically...
I found out, women don't even know
when they finna squirt.
So now, it makes sense
that they always look surprised
when we look surprised.
We always looking like, "Hey!"
And they looking like, "I cannot believe this.
Well, I didn't think I was this comfortable,
but clearly, you're doing something right."
Ladies, if you could turn your head like an owl...
and look at your man back there being squirted on,
you would find out...
that this is the greatest thing
that can happen with a man and his penis.
This is the standing ovation of the vagina world.
If you could just turn around and see your man,
he is back there looking like a seven-year-old in a sprinkler system.
He is happier than he has ever been back there.
Got to love a squirter.
You got to love it.
But now... everything God make...
you can't overdo it.
God made sugar.
You eat too much sugar, you'll die.
God made salt.
You can love salt all you want to. If you eat too much, you'll die.
God put something in all the shit,
even with squirt.
If you had to go on a 100-city tour and experiment,
and you happen to run across 300 squirters,
hypothetically...
you'd find out something...
very interesting.
You'd find out for every drop of squirt,
there is a small,
"teenity"...
itty-bitty...
teeny-weeny percentage of pee…
in all squirts. Not a lot of pee.
Eleven percent. Not a lot of pee.
Not a lot of pee.
Just enough pee for you to smell it one time...
in the morning, and then, never smell it again.
-Just...
It's true.
All women are great women.
Get yourself one.
The pandemic taught me there ain't no wrong one.
All women is the right one. Get yourself one.
Get yourself a big girl, if you got a choice.
You need a big girl.
I was in the pandemic. I tried. I saw. I conquered.
-I felt it. I know.
If you want to go through a pandemic, get you a big woman.
It'll be the easiest pandemic you ever--
You can trust a big woman.
You don't even know, you don't even know you hungry,
and she already cooking.
Your stomach look at her first, "I think she got it."
A big woman is perfect in the pandemic.
She do everything right.
If it's cold, she'll heat up the whole room...
cracking her legs one time.
If it's too hot,
she won't even touch you skin to skin, she don't want it to stick.
Fellas, you get with a big girl,
you'll feel your body do some shit you ain't never felt your body do,
and your body ain't never been trained to do.
All you need to do is get a big enough girl and you will feel your body nestle.
Look at niggas, "What?"
If you ever roll over on a woman bigger than you, you just...
It's the safest sleep you ever going to have, nestled up there.
I'm trying to tell you now.
Yes.
All the women is excited.
I got me a short girl.
I've never had a short girl before, 'cause I'm short.
What the fuck would I be doing with somebody short?
But I was missing out.
I didn't know they was that much fun. I fucked a short girl in the car.
This bitch was in every chair in the car, and me and my dick never moved.
She was just 'bout that life!
I like a giant girl.
No disrespect to the tall girls.
I don't mean 5'9", 5'12", none of that.
I'm talking about 6'4", 6'5", up.
I'm talking about a giant woman.
How big you want 'em, Katt? "Giant."
I want her so big if she cooking breakfast in the kitchen...
in one of them summer dresses,
I want to be able to slide up right between the vagina
without breaking a stride.
Grab that clitoris like a red-nose pit.
I like a woman so big you got to fuck her in two rooms.
That's why you got one of them WNBA girls.
You fuck her in two rooms.
I'm in the bedroom locked in for damage.
Every 150 strokes I go check on her in the living room.
"How's that working out for you, baby? Is that doing anything? How am I doing?
Oh, I'm killing it? I'm going to take it to the bridge, then.
I'm going to take it to the bridge!
Just saying, I like...
I like all the girls.
I ain't got no favorites.
But I'll say this,
there's some women don't get their flowers at all.
There's a group of women around the whole world
that nobody ever talks about.
And they keep everything going. And they'll never get no credit.
We going to talk about them, and give them their credit tonight.
Where's all the fellas in here with an ugly woman? Make some noise.
Some people saw their whole marriage go before their eyes.
Katt, I trusted you!
Look...
Everybody in here with somebody ugly know better.
They just staring at me like this.
No.
You supposed to want what you need.
When you was in the bathroom, crying to the Lord...
you said, "Send me the bitch I need!"
That is the bitch you need.
Yeah.
Yeah. Stop judging people
by the outside only.
Fuck you mean?
The ugliest people be pretty.
They still ugly.
Every man in here with an ugly woman knows something the world don't know.
She might be ugly to you...
She ain't ugly to me.
I ain't going to tell you why.
But sometimes you need an ugly woman.
An ugly woman will save your motherfucking life.
You can be famous being ugly.
All of us know the story of Harriet Tubman.
They don't tell us but two things about Harriet.
They tell us that she freed the slaves...
-and... -And…
…she was ugly.
Give a fuck.
It's the truth!
It's what the fuck they say. She freed the slaves.
And... she was ugly.
It's a motherfucking lie.
Harriet... was motherfucking beautiful.
Slavery was the ugly bitch.
One more time for the people in the back, Katt. I said...
-Harriet was beautiful.
Slavery was ugly.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And to free the slaves...
Harriet needed to be ugly.
'Cause the enemy was ugly.
Harriet wasn't the only woman out there freeing slaves.
There was another woman out there freeing slaves.
Her name was Beulah.
She was beautiful. Looked like Tracee Ellis Ross.
Light skin, hair down to her ass, bubble butt,
smelled like fruit and berries. Everybody loved her.
Thousands of slaves followed Beulah.
But beautiful couldn't get you away from being a slave.
You needed ugly.
'Cause your life was on the line, bitch. This is real slavery.
You in the real woods.
This is really midnight.
And if anybody see you...
from an adult to a small child...
your ass is dead, bitch.
And you going through them woods.
You hear them dogs coming from a distance.
That's generally when niggas get scared, start running, and get killed.
But you ain't have to be scared if you was with Harriet.
Them dogs will come.
And Harriet will get down eye-to-eye with them dogs.
Pull a pistol out of her panties.
You just hear the dogs...
A lot of people followed Beulah.
She was beautiful.
But that bitch didn't have the GPS of a box of rocks.
Three thousand slaves followed that beautiful bitch,
and wound up on their same master's plantation at three in the afternoon.
"Damn it, Beulah!"
Just got to thank God for small blessings.
I like all vaginas.
But there's something about a big clit.
Ladies, don't identify yourselves.
I'm saying, all clitorises are fine, but...
something about that big clit.
Fellas, if you in here...
with Big Clit, I don't mean to be...
…disrespectful or nothing.
I'm not going to refer to it as that anymore. I'm going to say...
say there's a gentleman here with B.C.
Now, the fellas in here with Big Clit...
-Can I raise my hand? -Don't raise your hand, sir.
He said, "Can I raise my hand?"
Fellas, have you ever seen a clitoris so big it shamed your penis?
You just caught it at the wrong angle.
Looked at that wrong. Did that bitch have a hook in it?
Some of the fellas are looking at me
because you don't know if your girl's clitoris is...
big or... too big.
But that ain't true.
'Cause your body will let you know if the clitoris is too big.
Fellas, you know your relationship with the vagina is a dance.
You feel your body doing something that's unnatural.
That's a red flag.
So if you eating the pussy,
and you feel yourself doing something you ain't never done while eating pussy...
You feel yourself go...
Abort mission!
That's a dick-sucking move! What was that?
If you eating pussy, and you feel yourself go...
Fellas, you ever have to hold the clitoris with both your fingers?
You catch yourself in the mirror.
I am sucking this bitch's penis.
In conclusion...
...there ain't nothing like that big clit, 'cause that...
-Shut up! -I won't shut up.
You hear how that big clit just talk?
Shut up!
It'll be all right
for us, fellas, when it first start. But when it don't stop growing,
we don't know what to do. So...
You be thinking the clitoris at its regular size...
and you'll be licking,
and that motherfucker swell up in your mouth...
Fellas, if you've ever licked up under your woman's clitoris, it means.
Thank y'all so much, Vegas.
Have a good night, and God bless y'all. I appreciate you.