1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:09,134
-[rock intro playing]
-[audience cheering]
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:27,485
Thank you!
5
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,531
Thank you very much.
6
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,951
Thank you for being here.
7
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,579
It is nice to be out of the house, huh?
8
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,539
-[audience cheering]
-Yes!
9
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:44,252
I don't really--
I don't wanna talk about COVID tonight.
10
00:00:44,335 --> 00:00:45,712
A couple of things
11
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,005
I will mention.
12
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:50,258
I learned a couple of things during COVID.
13
00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,093
One, I learned
14
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:55,472
from wearing that mask everywhere I went
15
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,224
and breathing my own breath,
16
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,145
I need to go back
and apologize to anybody I've talked to
17
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:04,606
in the last 30 years.
18
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,733
[audience clapping]
19
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,401
Oh, my!
20
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:15,658
I had no idea my breath was that bad.
21
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:19,120
Seriously, one day
I was in the grocery store
22
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:23,708
and I'm like,
"Has a cow pooped in a gut pile?"
23
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,335
"What is that?"
24
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,713
And you're like, "Oh, no, that's me."
25
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:34,135
Something else I learned during COVID,
especially during lockdown,
26
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,513
is I am not qualified
27
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:40,266
to meet all of my wife's
conversational needs.
28
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,562
It takes a village, as they say.
29
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:47,065
And I am but one man.
30
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,027
I love my sweet little wife to death,
31
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:54,989
but she is a talker. She could talk
three dogs off a meat wagon.
32
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,324
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]
33
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:59,619
She's also what they call
a verbal processor,
34
00:01:59,702 --> 00:02:03,748
which means every time
she has a thought or an idea,
35
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:07,168
she doesn't just think it,
she says it out loud.
36
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,255
So every morning during lockdown,
37
00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:13,758
I would get up
and pour myself a cup of coffee,
38
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,386
and I'd turn around,
and there she would be.
39
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,804
Every morning it'd be like,
40
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:20,765
"Have you thought about where we're gonna
go when this pandemic is over?"
41
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,768
"'Cause I've gotta get out of this house.
Talking about out of this house,
42
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,562
you are not gonna believe what I found out
43
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,564
about the family
that moved in down the street."
44
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,150
"I told you
I thought that lady looked weird."
45
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,193
"There's another light
burned out in the kitchen."
46
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,403
"I can't cook in the dark."
47
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,447
"So, Mr. Buster, if you wanna eat,
you might wanna pull the ladder out."
48
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:39,576
"Why is it so hot in here?
Are you not hot? I am burning up."
49
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,496
"Robin told me she can't find toilet paper
anywhere, people are hoarding it."
50
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,706
"I think there ought to be
51
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:47,375
an express line in Hell
for anybody that hoards toilet paper."
52
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:48,501
"That is so, so wrong."
53
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,045
"Oh, my God,
I just saw my butt in the mirror."
54
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,548
-"Why didn't you say something to me?"
-[audience laughing]
55
00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,425
"It's getting as wide as a school bus."
56
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:58,178
"It's a wonder
I'm not knocking lamps off the table."
57
00:02:58,261 --> 00:03:00,722
"I had the weirdest dream last night."
58
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:04,350
"I dreamed that your mother
and Will Smith got married,
59
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,394
and that's not even the weird part."
60
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:09,772
"The weird thing is,
they were jumping on the trampoline
61
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,192
with firemen helmets on
and saying their vows."
62
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,194
"What do you think that is all about?"
63
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:17,071
"Why are you looking at me like that?
Is my hair messed up?"
64
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:20,575
"All right, now, concentrate,
I want you to help me think of somebody
65
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,202
we can set my cousin Kyle up with."
66
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,913
"Bless his heart, he's all by himself
and he needs somebody."
67
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:27,332
"And talking about needs,
I need you to look at my car,
68
00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:29,709
because the 'check engine' light's
been on for a while."
69
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:33,338
"When I say a while, I mean a few months.
Every time I drive it,
70
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:36,591
there's a burning smell, and I don't think
it's supposed to do that."
71
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:41,054
"Oh, my God, what if Kyle is gay
and he hasn't come out of the closet yet?"
72
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,681
"Hey, say a little prayer
for Chip and Jennifer's grandson."
73
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:47,268
"He's getting circumcised today,
and speaking of 30% off,
74
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,646
that necklace I've been wanting
is on sale."
75
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,190
"So if you wanna go ahead
and get it for me for my birthday,
76
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:53,316
that would be all right."
77
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:55,652
-[audience applauding]
-"Hey, if Kyle is gay,
78
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,820
do you know somebody we could
set him up with?"
79
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,405
"'Cause you work in show business,
80
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,616
and there are a lot of gay people
in show business."
81
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,786
"I know you're gonna roll your eyes
and tell me it's too far down the road,
82
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:07,205
but for next year's 4th of July picnic,
83
00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:09,874
should I make potato salad
like I did this year,
84
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:13,711
or should I make that baked macaroni stuff
with the feta cheese and the tomatoes
85
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,506
I made a few weeks ago and you loved it?
I could do either."
86
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,799
"It doesn't matter to me."
87
00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:20,093
"And what's the deal
with your brother lately?"
88
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,888
"He has become such a Moody Judy.
I don't even wanna talk to him."
89
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,224
"Why are you making a noose?"
90
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,309
[audience laughing]
91
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:31,187
"Untie that from the ceiling fan
and get off the bed."
92
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,356
"You're messing up all my pillows."
93
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,570
My day every day during lockdown.
94
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,656
[audience cheering]
95
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,915
Now, some good stuff
happened during COVID too.
96
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:55,336
Some really good stuff. I became a grandpa
for the very first time during COVID.
97
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:56,838
So…
98
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,968
And I love this little boy
more than any human being on the planet.
99
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:06,180
And my daughter, I don't know how
she pulled this off, but somehow,
100
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,600
she arranged to be able to get on
the Jerry Springer Show,
101
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,061
and we were able to find out
who the father is
102
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,148
without spending one dime
of our own money, so…
103
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,025
that was great.
104
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,945
I'm kidding, um…
105
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,740
we have no idea who the father is.
106
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:32,165
Something else great that happened
is my mother's flip phone finally broke.
107
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,044
That is an event 20 years in the making.
108
00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,756
One month into COVID,
my mom's flip phone broke,
109
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,550
and so we bought her
her very first iPhone.
110
00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,678
And if you were to say
to me tonight, "Jeff,
111
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:49,724
would rather teach your mother how to text
112
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:52,685
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
113
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,395
[audience laughing]
114
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,148
I'd probably say,
"Hand me the toilet paper."
115
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,025
"Let me give that a shot."
116
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:05,073
The texting has been
a little bit of a challenge.
117
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:07,283
And my daughters were so excited
118
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,952
that their Gaba was finally texting.
119
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,706
So they're texting her.
One night, I get a call from my mom
120
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,792
and she says to me,
121
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,460
"What is 'LOL'?"
122
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:23,216
I said, "What are you talking about, Mom?"
She said, "Jordan sent me a text
123
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,802
and at the end of it said, 'LOL.'"
124
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:30,139
I said, "How do you spell it?"
She said, "L-O-L."
125
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:34,018
I said, "Mom, that's not LOL.
That's 'Laugh Out Loud.'"
126
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:38,356
"That's what the kids do now.
Instead of writing everything out,
127
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:39,941
they just use initials."
128
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:43,694
"Like 'IDK' is 'I don't know.'
'OMG' is 'oh, my gosh.'"
129
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:47,407
I said, "That's how they do it."
A few nights later,
130
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,993
I get a text from my mother that says,
131
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:56,999
"I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K."
132
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,085
[audience laughing]
133
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,882
I'm like, "Oh, God, Mom's had a stroke."
134
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:10,638
I called her up and said,
"Mom, what did you just text me?"
135
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:13,724
She said, "I was doing like the girls do."
136
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:18,354
I said, "If you go to the grocery store,
I need some ketchup."
137
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,734
"Well, of course. Why didn't see that?"
138
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,449
And she loves this iPhone
139
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,910
because it has features on it
that her flip phone didn't have, like…
140
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,371
-reception.
-[audience laughing]
141
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,332
So she called me one night
142
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,293
and I answered
143
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,212
'cause I didn't have anything to do
for an hour and half.
144
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:47,884
And I'm talking to my mom,
and during the call, my mom mentioned
145
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:51,345
that there'd been a couple of break-ins
in her neighborhood.
146
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:55,183
I said, "Mom, that's a little concerning."
She said, "I know."
147
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:59,729
She said, "That is why I'm thinking about
getting my carry permit."
148
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,859
My mother is 85 years old.
149
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,945
Her eyesight is bad, her hearing is worse,
150
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:12,450
and she has the balance
of Ron White after midnight.
151
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:14,702
[audience laughing and cheering]
152
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:22,376
And now,
she's thinking about getting a pistol.
153
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,756
And I said, "Look, Mom, I am a supporter
of the Second Amendment."
154
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,383
I said,
"And you can call me overly cautious."
155
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,260
I said, "But maybe
156
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,346
you shouldn't be packing heat
157
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,015
if you're wearing a Life Alert."
158
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:37,850
[audience laughing]
159
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:42,188
Though she could use her pillboxes
to sort the bullets in, you know.
160
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:46,609
I said, "Mom, you might want
to think this out."
161
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,819
I said, "You better hope loading the thing
162
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:52,198
is easier than opening a jar of pickles,
or you're gonna be in trouble."
163
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:55,243
'Cause she has arthritis in her fingers.
164
00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,081
Then I thought, "Hell, I bet my agent
could get her a commercial.'
165
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:04,585
"You know, my arthritis had gotten so bad
166
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,589
that I could barely jack a round
into the chamber."
167
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:13,970
"But thanks to new, improved Bufferin,
I can make it rain, dawg."
168
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,930
[audience laughing]
169
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:17,682
"You feel me, bruh?"
170
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,981
I hung up the phone and said to my wife,
171
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,024
"I know what I'm getting Mom
for Christmas."
172
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:31,696
"I'm gonna get her the magnetic holster
she can slap on the side of her walker,
173
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,699
and I'm getting her husband
the bullet proof vest
174
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,618
he can wear underneath
his cardigan sweater,
175
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:41,539
just in case she goes spider monkey
during the Wheel of Fortune."
176
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:52,592
And that's where my wife and I
are in life right now.
177
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:56,137
We got our kids grown,
got them out of the house.
178
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:59,473
We had a quick snack.
Now, we're raising our parents.
179
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,977
I swear they passed each other
in the driveway.
180
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,897
Let me tell you something,
I thought teenagers were crazy.
181
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:10,776
Teenagers are a piece of cake
compared to old people.
182
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,738
They're nuts!
183
00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:18,576
I was getting my car serviced a while back
and they called to say it was ready.
184
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:21,829
I called my father-in-law, said,
'"Can you give me a ride?"
185
00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:25,333
On the way to the dealership,
he needed to stop for gas.
186
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,877
I learned on that little stop
187
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,712
that it is possible
188
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:32,548
to wash your entire car
189
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,302
with the squeegee from the gas station.
190
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:41,140
And I know this
because I sat in the passenger seat
191
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,476
and watched him do it.
192
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:48,522
I sat there until the guy at the next pump
started videoing it,
193
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,901
then I slid down in the floorboard
194
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:55,404
'cause I didn't want to get tagged
on Instagram.
195
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:57,948
He got back in the car, I said,
196
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,827
"You do realize the gas station
has got a car wash right there?"
197
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:05,498
He goes, "Yeah. Well, that's six bucks."
198
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,085
I'm like, "So to save six dollars,
199
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:13,089
you gave away all your dignity
and washed your car
200
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:18,219
with a squeegee and the dirtiest water
on the planet Earth?"
201
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,847
I used to have fantasies
about going out with a girl
202
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,726
as nasty as the squeegee water
at the gas station.
203
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,812
[audience laughing]
204
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,523
He is such a trip.
205
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:34,443
And he walks around,
he's got his pants up to his nipples now.
206
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:39,073
And he just talks about how the world
has gone to hell in a hay wagon,
207
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:43,119
and it used to be better
back in the good old days.
208
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:46,330
Of course, when he describes
the way he grew up,
209
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,999
it's always tough. It's like, "Oh, yeah."
210
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:52,336
"We had no electricity,
me and my brother shared a pair of shoes."
211
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,548
"We had to walk to school
through five feet of snow."
212
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,802
I'm like, "When did it snow five feet
in New Orleans?"
213
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,887
[audience laughing]
214
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,308
But I kinda get what he means
about the good old days.
215
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,687
Because, think about it, as you get old,
216
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,899
technology has changed your entire life.
217
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,693
Morality has changed.
218
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:17,403
Society has changed.
219
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,320
All of a sudden,
220
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,699
you find yourself living in a world
that doesn't make sense to you.
221
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:25,786
So you kinda long for that world where
you felt like you had things figured out.
222
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,748
To them, that's the good old days,
but it couldn't have been perfect.
223
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,708
I was asking my mom about it.
224
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:35,755
Do you know my mom had an outhouse
until she was 14 years old?
225
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,966
I said, "Mom, what would you do
in the wintertime
226
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:42,219
if you had to go to the bathroom
and it was late at night?"
227
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,388
She said, "We went in a bucket."
228
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,559
They called it a slop jar or honey pot.
That's what they did.
229
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,061
They went to the bathroom in a bucket.
230
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:52,855
And I'm thinking,
231
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:57,985
"I know how my wife responds
the aroma of a broccoli casserole
232
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:01,822
that's been in the refrigerator
one day too long."
233
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,201
"I cannot imagine her response
234
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,912
to a bucket of turds in the living room."
235
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,748
[audience laughing]
236
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,294
And you know
one of the euphemisms for dying
237
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,379
is "he kicked the bucket."
238
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:22,092
I bet you
that's what that's talking about.
239
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,428
"Baby, I'm sorry,
240
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:28,307
but I accidentally kicked over
that bucket there in the living room."
241
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,559
[imitates racking shotgun and firing]
242
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,900
I think if things had been perfect
in the good old days,
243
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,654
the guy that invented Viagra
wouldn't be a billionaire.
244
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,906
'Cause back in the good old days,
245
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,242
when God told you
you were out of the game,
246
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,829
you just walked out in the backyard
and started a garden.
247
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,873
And the only hoe you were playing with
248
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,501
was the one to get the weeds
out of the tomatoes.
249
00:13:56,877 --> 00:14:00,840
But now, thanks to Viagra,
people are playing into their 80s.
250
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,052
Let that mental image
sink in just a second.
251
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,347
Just that pile of flesh
and everything in the pile
252
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,058
looks like it needs ironing, you know.
253
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,981
I do think it's cool
that the nursing homes
254
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,316
are now giving the old guys
half a tablet a night,
255
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,112
just to keep them
from falling out of bed, so…
256
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,075
kind of a kickstand deal there.
257
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,914
Now, everybody talks about this stuff.
258
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,166
Back in the good old days,
259
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,835
if a man was
260
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,254
trying to shoot pool with a rope,
261
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:43,507
he kept it to himself.
262
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,677
Now, it's a cottage industry.
263
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,139
I heard a radio ad the other day
where this guy said
264
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,183
thanks to his ED formulas,
265
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,519
he could now help men perform
266
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:59,231
for 30, 60, even 90 minutes.
267
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:02,484
I'm thinking, "90 minutes?"
268
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:06,155
-Blech!
-[audience laughing]
269
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:10,743
Oh, my gosh,
my attention span is not that long.
270
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:15,831
After 20, I'd be like, "I'm gonna go
make a sandwich. You want anything?"
271
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:24,506
I mean, there is a little something
to aging gracefully, right?
272
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,675
And I miss my youth.
273
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,510
I miss my young body.
274
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,889
I would not trade
my old-minded soul for it,
275
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:34,183
but I do miss my young body.
276
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:38,562
I remember being a little kid
and having energy to burn.
277
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:43,776
When was the last time you had
excess energy you needed to burn off?
278
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:47,655
Think about it. When you were a kid,
you had so much energy
279
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:51,075
you couldn't watch TV
just sitting in a chair.
280
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:55,287
You had to stand on your head,
or be half on the chair and half off.
281
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,705
The commercial would come on,
282
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,583
you'd wrestle with each other
till the show came back.
283
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,127
Hell, if you walked in my house now
284
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,129
and you found me watching the TV
285
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:07,633
with my butt on the sofa
and my head on the floor,
286
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,594
call 911.
287
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,764
Because even if I am still alive,
288
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:18,769
there's no way I'm gonna be able to get
back into a standing position by myself.
289
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,313
[audience laughing and clapping]
290
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,862
But I had a great childhood.
291
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:31,657
You know, I played every sport.
292
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,369
For the recreation center,
my parents didn't make me pick one sport
293
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:38,998
because they thought
I was gonna play professional whatever.
294
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,542
I played every sport.
And it was weird back then.
295
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,293
If you wanted a trophy,
296
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,046
you had to finish in first place.
297
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:48,674
It was nuts.
298
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,218
[audience cheering]
299
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,516
So many great memories.
300
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,977
I remember, as a child,
going to the doctor.
301
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,063
If you behaved yourself
and you didn't cry if you got a shot,
302
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,400
you always got to pick out a toy
from the treasure chest
303
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,862
behind the nurse's station.
Anybody remember the treasure chest?
304
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,197
Why did that have to stop?
305
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,159
Seriously, I wouldn't mind
going to the doctor now
306
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,745
and him putting on a rubber glove
to check my prostate
307
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,664
if I knew on the way out,
I could swing by the treasure chest
308
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,250
and get a new spider ring, you know?
309
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,919
"That baby glows in the dark."
310
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,089
"Turn out the lights.
Check that out right there."
311
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,971
I remember being a kid
laying in the back window of the car
312
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,057
riding all the way to Florida.
313
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,143
Nowadays, because of child car-seat laws,
314
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:44,354
you have to be in the 6th grade
before you can see where you're going
315
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,899
instead of where you just been.
316
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,946
Now one of the hardest things in our lives
317
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,365
is we have to remember passwords.
318
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:59,286
Nobody can remember their password
to any-- There's so many of them.
319
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,538
When I was growing up
back in the good old days,
320
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,749
I only had to remember one password.
321
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:08,128
That was the password to get in
to our secret clubhouse back in the woods.
322
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,005
And it was a beauty.
323
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:11,757
[imitates knocking]
324
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,176
[whispers] "What's the password?"
325
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,222
"Boobies."
326
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,682
[audience laughing and clapping]
327
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,357
It was all we thought about,
so why not make it the password?
328
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,027
Every meeting
I ever remember having in the clubhouse,
329
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,737
that's what it was about.
330
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,825
One of my friends,
I think he's in prison now,
331
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:41,286
had a theory that if Heaven
was a perfect place,
332
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,080
once you get past the pearly gates,
333
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,582
it would just be
a giant field of naked boobies,
334
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,711
and they'd let you take your shoes off
and run around for a little while.
335
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,422
[audience laughing]
336
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,264
[audience clapping]
337
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:09,148
I remember thinking right then and there,
"I'm going to church."
338
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,239
I know education is probably better now.
339
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,576
I mean, because they test you
to see if you have learning differences,
340
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,328
or if you're gifted,
they might give you elevated courses.
341
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,623
Back in the good old days,
it didn't matter if you were a genius
342
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:30,627
or if you were eating Crayons,
you were all in the same class.
343
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,214
And they put no thought
into what they were teaching us.
344
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,967
I remember, like,
my 11th-grade year of high school,
345
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:40,762
one semester of English
was devoted entirely to poetry.
346
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:44,850
What were blue-collar kids
from the wrong side of the tracks
347
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,935
going to do with poetry?
348
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:51,481
♪ My husband won't fix
The broken screen door ♪
349
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:55,569
♪ Our cat just threw up
A dead bird on the floor ♪
350
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:59,740
♪ I have four little children
I constantly feed ♪
351
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:03,744
♪ So please don't you ask me
Why I smoke weed ♪
352
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,829
[audience applauding]
353
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,965
Now they're teaching sex education
in the 5th grade,
354
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,383
starting in the 5th grade.
355
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,887
Nobody taught me about sex
back in the good old days.
356
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:25,224
My parents told me nothing.
My school taught me nothing.
357
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:29,061
Everything I learned about sex
I pieced together for myself.
358
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:33,649
I'm serious. When I was 11,
we had an uncle that raised rabbits.
359
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,235
So we were out at his farm one weekend
360
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,696
and he took a group of us out to the shed
where he kept the rabbits.
361
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,282
He had all the males in cages on one side,
362
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:45,786
and all the females in cages on the other.
He opened a male's cage,
363
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,997
grabbed him by the scruff of neck,
walked over, opened a female's cage,
364
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,040
dropped him in there.
365
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:54,878
And that male rabbit
jumped on top of that female rabbit
366
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:58,632
and jackhammered like a hurricane
367
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:01,218
for, like, five seconds.
368
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,428
Then he fell off on his back.
369
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,557
And everybody was laughing, except me.
370
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:12,980
'Cause I'm like, "Oh, my God, I don't know
if I gonna be able to do it that fast."
371
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:15,065
[audience laughing]
372
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:19,278
Turns out I had nothing to worry about.
373
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,990
[audience clapping]
374
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,830
You know, probably the…
375
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,958
the thing that changed most
376
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,210
from the good old days to now
377
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:36,670
is this.
378
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,588
This little gadget right there.
379
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,466
This little gadget changed the world.
380
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:46,221
Now everybody on the planet
has one of these in their hand, 24/7, 365.
381
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,932
Doesn't matter
if you're in a third-world country,
382
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,268
you might not have enough to eat,
you got a phone.
383
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:54,521
Back in the good old days,
my entire family
384
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:55,939
had one phone.
385
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:59,026
It was hardwired
into the wall of the kitchen.
386
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:01,194
It came in four possible colors,
387
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:05,824
black, white,
harvest gold, and avocado green.
388
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,784
[audience cheering]
389
00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:10,329
We had the avocado green,
390
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:14,082
and my parents actually sprung
for the extra-long cord.
391
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:18,712
Let me tell you, the phone company
didn't cheat you on the extra-long cord.
392
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:22,758
Our phone cord
was over a quarter of a mile long.
393
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:26,428
My mom could walk down the driveway
and check the mail,
394
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:29,848
never quit talking to her sister.
"You know, 'cause I…" [muttering]
395
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,643
But because
the whole family had one phone,
396
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:36,688
you never had any privacy
if it was for you.
397
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,608
So you'd learn tricks.
Like, you'd run it under the door
398
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:44,029
and go down the hall or sit in the pantry
and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend
399
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:48,116
while your siblings made kissing noises
from around the corner.
400
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,577
But because you stretched it out so far,
401
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:54,331
remember the downside
of the extra-long cord? Anybody remember?
402
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:56,625
Yeah, it was always
403
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,418
tangled up.
404
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:02,381
Like Aunt Judy's thong
after kickboxing lessons.
405
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,300
[audience laughing]
406
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:09,471
But when it was stretched out,
it was almost like a lethal weapon.
407
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,265
My mom used to talk on the phone
when she was cookin'.
408
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,142
They were on other sides of the kitchen.
409
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,561
So one night she's cooking
and talking on the phone,
410
00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:19,231
and I'm chasing my brother
through the house.
411
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,816
We round into the kitchen,
412
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,985
he never saw the phone cord.
He hit it right there.
413
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,362
His feet went up in the air,
414
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:28,990
the back of his head hit the floor
like wedding night panties.
415
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:33,703
My mom never quit cooking
and never quit talking.
416
00:23:33,787 --> 00:23:34,788
She went…
417
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:37,874
[mouthing]
418
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:42,504
-[mouthing continues]
-[audience laughing]
419
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,263
Now, I will say this,
420
00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:54,808
back in the good old days,
you got excited when the phone rang.
421
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:57,727
Yeah, you would race each other
to answer the phone.
422
00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,771
'Cause you had no idea who it might be.
423
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:02,774
Might be your grandmother, might be
the President of the United States.
424
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,443
You didn't know till you picked it up.
425
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,486
But now caller ID
426
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:10,282
has taken all the joy
out of answering the phone.
427
00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:11,992
Now your phone rings, you're like,
428
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:16,037
-"Oh, hell, no. I ain't doing that."
-[audience laughing]
429
00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:18,790
"Nobody got time for that."
430
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:24,129
Because we stick our phones
in our pockets, our purses, and things,
431
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:26,047
they're always rubbing up
against something
432
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,801
and we're always accidentally
dialing people we didn't meant to dial.
433
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:31,470
We call them "butt-dials."
434
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,890
All right, I'm gonna see
what an honest audience you are.
435
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:38,351
How many people
listen more intently to butt-dials
436
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:40,562
than they do actual phone calls?
437
00:24:41,062 --> 00:24:43,064
[audience cheering]
438
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:47,736
If somebody butt-dials me
and I don't have anything to do,
439
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:49,946
I'll stay on for, like, 20 minutes.
440
00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:53,325
I'm like… [imitates pants swishing]
441
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:57,329
I have a buddy named Purdie,
makes furniture.
442
00:24:57,412 --> 00:25:00,248
Purd always sticks his phone
in the front pocket of his blue jeans,
443
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,042
so he's always butt-dialing somebody.
444
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:05,795
One night he butt-dialed me,
and I didn't have anything going on,
445
00:25:05,879 --> 00:25:09,007
so I'm just listening to him
walk around his shop.
446
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,592
After about ten minutes,
447
00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,386
I hear a door open,
and I hear a lid go up,
448
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,223
and I hear him starting to pee.
449
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:20,268
Being the mature adult that I am,
I jumped out of my chair,
450
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:24,481
ran into the kitchen to my wife,
and went, "Purd's peeing!"
451
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:28,902
We put it on speaker phone.
and me and my wife stood there
452
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:32,280
and listened to my friend urinate.
453
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:36,076
-[audience laughing]
-"Oh, my God, I hope he farts at the end."
454
00:25:36,159 --> 00:25:37,619
"Oh, please. Please."
455
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:43,041
What is wrong with us?
456
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:47,754
And here's the fascination with this.
457
00:25:47,837 --> 00:25:50,757
The thing we had mounted on the wall
in the kitchen,
458
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,552
that was only a phone, this is everything.
459
00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:57,764
This is everything
we used to go somewhere else to get.
460
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,934
Like people used to stay up late
to watch the eleven o'clock news,
461
00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:04,521
so they knew what the sports scores were
and what the weather was gonna be.
462
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:06,731
Now you have up-to-the-minute radar.
463
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,692
You've got the weather
for the next two weeks,
464
00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:11,027
and you've got all your sports updates
right there.
465
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:13,446
This thing is your airline tickets,
your Bible,
466
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,740
it's your flashlight, it's your Rolodex.
467
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:19,035
It's your music library,
it's a video arcade.
468
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,871
It's a world-class camera.
469
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,583
See, some of you younger people
don't know this.
470
00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:28,378
Cameras used to be separate things,
and you would have to buy film,
471
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:30,171
-and put it in 'em.
-[audience laughing]
472
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,132
And you would take 24 pictures
473
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:35,302
having no idea if they were good,
or bad, or out of focus.
474
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:38,763
Then, when you'd taken all 24,
you'd take the film out of it,
475
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,349
go to the drugstore,
and you'd give it to them
476
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,018
where they'd process it.
477
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:46,062
And then after everybody
that worked at the drugstore had
478
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:48,773
had an opportunity
to look at your pictures,
479
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:52,652
they'd call you, and you'd go get them.
And you knew they'd looked.
480
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,279
You're picking them up, they're like,
481
00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:57,907
-"When did y'all go to the Grand Canyon?"
-[audience laughing]
482
00:26:57,991 --> 00:26:59,868
"You son of a bitch."
483
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:06,416
But, see,
back then pictures were precious.
484
00:27:06,499 --> 00:27:09,044
Even if they were out of focus
or somebody's head was cut off,
485
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:10,545
you'd put 'em in a photo album
486
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:13,798
'cause it was your only proof
that you'd been somewhere.
487
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,760
But now, you can look at your picture,
if something's wrong with it,
488
00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:18,553
you delete it and take another one.
489
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:22,557
So pictures are no longer precious.
We just take pictures of everything.
490
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:25,560
My daughters take pictures of their food.
491
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:28,813
When we're in restaurants,
when the waiter puts their plate down,
492
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:31,816
my daughters are like,
"Hold on. The camera eats first."
493
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:37,656
They take a picture of their food
and send it to their friends.
494
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,950
I'm like, "Hell, when I was growing up,
if you ate a delicious waffle,
495
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,703
other people had to take your word for it.
496
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:45,330
[audience laughing]
497
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:48,041
This thing is amazing.
498
00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:52,420
Do you know this thing,
if it is lost, it can find itself?
499
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:55,215
Most of us need Jesus to do that,
500
00:27:55,298 --> 00:27:57,175
but not this joker.
501
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:01,596
It can not only find itself,
it can find you.
502
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,015
It can find anybody in your family.
503
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:05,725
It's a world-class GPS.
504
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:07,936
You put in it any direction
505
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,689
to anywhere in the world,
it will take you right there to it
506
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:14,567
and tell you, within the minute,
what time you're gonna get there.
507
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:17,278
We didn't have GPS
back in the good old days.
508
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:18,697
We had maps.
509
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:21,783
We kept them
in the glove compartment of the car.
510
00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:24,619
And nobody ever wanted to open them,
because if you did,
511
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:26,913
you never got it folded back down again.
512
00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:30,875
So we were always lost.
Hell, when we went on family vacations,
513
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,670
the only thing that was "recalculating"
514
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:35,088
was our dad.
515
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:38,675
"All right kids, I have changed my mind."
516
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:40,969
"Instead of going to Disney World,
517
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:44,347
we're all just gonna go in this
hardware store and have a look around."
518
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:46,516
-"How about that?"
-[audience laughing]
519
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:50,603
This thing is amazing.
520
00:28:50,687 --> 00:28:54,899
This little thing is more powerful
than the biggest computers
521
00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:56,818
we had in the world in 1980.
522
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,571
All the knowledge in the world
right there at your fingertips.
523
00:28:59,654 --> 00:29:02,615
You wanna know how much
an elephant weighs? Ask your phone.
524
00:29:02,699 --> 00:29:05,910
You wanna know how tall Tom Cruise is?
Ask your phone.
525
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:09,164
Back in the good old days,
if we wanted to know something,
526
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,583
we had to wait until our cheap-ass parents
527
00:29:11,666 --> 00:29:14,419
broke down
and bought a set of encyclopedias.
528
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:18,548
And here was the deal,
you didn't get them all at one time.
529
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:21,551
You made a down payment,
they give you the A volume.
530
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:24,804
You keep making payments,
a few years later, you'd get the B.
531
00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,181
So that first year,
532
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:30,059
you could talk very intelligently
about Antarctica.
533
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:32,437
Or aardvarks.
534
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:35,774
But if you had to do
a school report on Zimbabwe,
535
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,610
you were being held back another year.
536
00:29:39,652 --> 00:29:43,323
'Cause that Z volume wasn't coming
until you were in your 30s.
537
00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:48,411
And I don't know that having
all the knowledge in the world
538
00:29:48,495 --> 00:29:50,872
is necessarily a good thing.
539
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,791
We're obsessed with it.
540
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:55,710
Especially when it comes to medical stuff.
541
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,587
Back in the good old days,
542
00:29:57,670 --> 00:30:00,215
people accepted aches and pains.
543
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:04,469
It's just part of what went on
when you started getting old.
544
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:08,598
Now any time we have an ache or pain,
we gotta go Google it.
545
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:10,683
You could have a hang nail,
you're Googling it.
546
00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:12,811
"What's the best way
to treat a hang nail?"
547
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,980
"On rare occasions,
hang nails can be an indicator
548
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:18,858
you've had an undiagnosed
cerebral hemorrhage."
549
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:22,737
"Oh, hell!"
550
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:27,534
"What's wrong, Lloyd?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong, Connie."
551
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,703
"Sixty seconds ago,
I didn't know I had a cerebral,
552
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,706
and now, apparently,
the damn thing is hemorrhaged."
553
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:40,588
You get scared to death
with medical stuff on your phone.
554
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,174
You don't even have to be looking for it.
555
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,468
I had a pop up not long ago that said,
556
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:50,598
"Low back pain can be an early indicator
of premature blindness."
557
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:54,561
Hell, I've got low back pain.
558
00:30:55,436 --> 00:30:59,190
I thought it's 'cause I helped my wife
rearrange the furniture in the den.
559
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:02,610
Why did I move the couch?
Now I'm just gonna run in to it.
560
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:08,449
I gotta get online and order a guide dog
while I can still find my laptop.
561
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:14,038
Thing is amazing.
562
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,833
It's a TV.
No excuse to ever miss the game anymore.
563
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,334
How many guys, be honest,
564
00:31:18,418 --> 00:31:20,503
ever sat during a wedding
with your phone in your lap,
565
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:23,256
turn the volume down,
and watched the football game?
566
00:31:23,339 --> 00:31:26,551
Yeah. And it's porn.
You don't even have to be looking for it.
567
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:29,596
There's so much porn in here,
it's looking for you.
568
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:34,642
Not long ago, my wife and I were trying
to figure out where to go eat one night,
569
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,353
I typed in "delicious Italian near me."
570
00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:38,271
I'm like…
571
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:40,356
[audience laughing]
572
00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:46,237
Mamma mia.
573
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,325
That's a spicy meatball there.
574
00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:54,621
See, back in the good old days,
575
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:59,834
porn was when of your friends
found a discarded Playboy magazine.
576
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:03,129
And you'd sneak it back
to the secret clubhouse in the woods.
577
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,131
Therefore, the password.
578
00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:11,095
And maybe if you're into porn,
now is the good old days
579
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:14,807
because it took two hands
to hold that magazine
580
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:18,353
but only one hand to hold your phone.
581
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:21,481
[audience clapping]
582
00:32:26,152 --> 00:32:30,740
And human beings being able to corrupt
anything that is good
583
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:34,118
have found such naughty things to do
with this phone.
584
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:37,455
People actually take pictures
of their private parts
585
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:39,499
and send them to other people,
586
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:42,669
which is such a fabulous idea.
587
00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:47,465
What could possibly go wrong
with an idea like that?
588
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:49,926
See, back in the good old days,
589
00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:55,056
if I had wanted to send my girlfriend
a picture of my private parts,
590
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,267
I would've had to have found
a piece of notebook paper,
591
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:00,895
put it on the edge of the kitchen table,
592
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:03,606
waited until nobody else was home,
593
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,067
ran over to the table, dropped my pants,
594
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,236
lay junior on the paper,
595
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,738
take a pencil and trace him out.
596
00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:14,075
Then, I would've
had to have got a box of Crayons.
597
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:16,327
And it would've
had to been the 64-count box
598
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:18,830
because that was the only one
that had flesh tone in it,
599
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,459
color it in, fold that paper up,
put in in an envelope,
600
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:27,130
address it to my girlfriend,
put a stamp on it, walk down the driveway,
601
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:29,799
and put it in the mailbox
to mail it to her,
602
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,844
so three days later
she could call me and go,
603
00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:36,222
"Why did you send me
a drawing of your thumb?"
604
00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:38,307
[audience laughing]
605
00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:49,027
Just not the sexy effect
you're looking for.
606
00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:54,032
One of the things
I missed the most during COVID
607
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:56,659
was this, being on the road.
I love to travel.
608
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:58,369
My wife loves to travel,
609
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:01,914
and when it became evident that we weren't
gonna be going anywhere for a while,
610
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:05,376
my wife ordered
a bunch of travel magazines.
611
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,921
So one night I'm sitting at home, flipping
through one of her travel magazines
612
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,965
and I found an article in there
613
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:12,925
that was written by a woman
614
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:17,930
trying to teach other women
how to pack for a ten-day trip
615
00:34:18,014 --> 00:34:20,850
using only a carry-on suitcase.
616
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,436
Let me repeat that.
617
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,271
-A woman…
-[audience laughing]
618
00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:30,151
…packing for ten days
using only a carry-on suitcase.
619
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:33,571
And I thought,
"What woman is she talking about?"
620
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,323
"Barbie?"
621
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:41,871
My wife couldn't pack for a nudist colony
in a carry-on suitcase.
622
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:46,084
Now the airlines
only let you take one carry-on.
623
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:48,252
If I'm with my wife, she'll have two,
624
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,922
and I have
whatever I can fit in my pockets.
625
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:55,176
But I thought it was interesting,
because we live in an age
626
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:57,762
where people
try to make everything sexist,
627
00:34:57,845 --> 00:35:01,432
that this article was just written
to women. She didn't say men.
628
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:04,018
'Cause I think men
could do ten days in a carry-on.
629
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,728
-Could you do it?
-[man] Oh, yeah.
630
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:06,646
I could do it.
631
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:10,024
You might be burning the socks
and the underwear, but I could do it.
632
00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:14,779
'Cause I think most men
probably pack like I pack.
633
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:18,950
I'll walk in my closet and I think,
"Okay, I'm about to be out for 3 days."
634
00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:23,287
"Three days means three pairs of socks,
three pairs of underwear, three shirts,
635
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,082
another pair of blue jeans
in case I spill something on these,
636
00:35:26,165 --> 00:35:28,376
toothbrush, razor blade.
Boom, ready to go.
637
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,586
Ten seconds of well-thought-out packing.
638
00:35:31,087 --> 00:35:32,672
[audience applauding]
639
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,173
That's how I pack.
640
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:39,011
Now, when I go on vacation with my wife…
641
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:43,808
And let me say this right up front,
I love being on vacation with my wife,
642
00:35:43,891 --> 00:35:48,479
'cause my wife is a lot more "friendly"
on vacation than she is at home.
643
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,526
Something about having numbers
on the doors seems to light her fire.
644
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,696
The same girl
that won't look at me twice at home,
645
00:35:56,779 --> 00:35:59,991
you get numbers on the door,
she is hanging the trapeze
646
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:02,618
before the bell hop's to the ice machine.
647
00:36:04,787 --> 00:36:08,040
Love being on vacation with my wife.
648
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:11,711
It's getting to vacation
that is the challenge
649
00:36:12,211 --> 00:36:15,506
because it takes my wife
longer than ten seconds to pack.
650
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,717
It takes her days to pack.
651
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:21,220
Because she has outfits.
652
00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:24,974
There's not a man in this room
that has an outfit.
653
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,853
But my wife has to put together an outfit
654
00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:31,647
for every day we're gonna be gone.
655
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:35,401
Plus additional outfits, in case
we go out somewhere nice to dinner.
656
00:36:35,484 --> 00:36:39,280
Plus reserve outfits,
in case some of the starters get hurt.
657
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:42,700
So this takes a lot of time and work.
658
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:46,120
So two or three days
before we're even supposed to leave,
659
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:48,789
my wife will start
pulling clothes out of the closet
660
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,958
and she'll lay them on the bed
661
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,045
like Flat Stanley mannequins.
662
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,505
And she just stares at them.
663
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:03,930
Sometimes she'll call me,
"Come here, I need your help."
664
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:09,435
"Okay, I am down to these two outfits.
Which one do like the best?"
665
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,230
The one on the left.
666
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:14,523
"Are you kidding me?"
667
00:37:16,859 --> 00:37:19,028
"What's wrong with the one on the right?"
668
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,531
"Nothing wrong with it.
I just like that one on the left."
669
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:27,453
"I love that one on the right."
670
00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,748
"You know what?
Now that I start thinking about it,
671
00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:33,334
I think I really like that one
on the right."
672
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:34,752
"No, you don't."
673
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:37,713
"You're just saying that."
674
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:39,715
"Now I don't know what to do."
675
00:37:40,216 --> 00:37:43,052
"I know what to do.
I'm gonna go jump in front of a bus."
676
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:45,680
"You stand here
and stare at this for a while."
677
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:49,976
And, see, the difference between us
678
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:53,020
is once I have my clothes packed,
I'm packed.
679
00:37:53,521 --> 00:37:56,107
With my wife, her clothes,
680
00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:58,734
that's just the foundation.
681
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:03,864
Her packing is like an archaeological dig.
There's many, many layers to it.
682
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:07,827
Because once she has
all the outfits picked out,
683
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:11,038
now she has to go back
and pick out the jewelry
684
00:38:11,122 --> 00:38:14,208
that goes with each particular outfit.
685
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:16,168
If you watch Court TV,
686
00:38:16,252 --> 00:38:19,213
that's what they call
"the jewelry selection process."
687
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:21,632
[audience laughing]
688
00:38:21,716 --> 00:38:23,926
Next layer is the shoes.
689
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:25,678
The shoes take a long, long time.
690
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,888
She doesn't like to be
apart from her shoes.
691
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:30,558
She spends longer
picking shoes for vacation
692
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:33,102
than we spent
picking names for our children.
693
00:38:33,936 --> 00:38:37,898
I hope to God she never has to choose
between her shoes and me.
694
00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:42,862
'Cause I could see the surgeon going,
"Mrs. Foxworthy, we can save Jeff's life,
695
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:44,488
but in order to do it,
696
00:38:44,572 --> 00:38:47,283
you would have
to get rid of all of your shoes."
697
00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:51,662
-[audience laughing]
-[mouthing]
698
00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:00,838
[mouthing]
699
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:12,600
"He said he wants to be cremated."
700
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,564
"I'm gonna need some new shoes
for that ceremony."
701
00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:25,988
Next layer is the electronics.
702
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:27,114
Because one time,
703
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:30,242
we went on vacation
and the hotel didn't have a hairdryer.
704
00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:33,621
Now my wife never packs a suitcase
without packing a hairdryer.
705
00:39:33,704 --> 00:39:35,998
But she also packs a hair curler
706
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:37,583
and a hair straightener.
707
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:41,712
I'm like,
"Don't they cancel each other out?"
708
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:45,508
Then, she'll pack
that lighted makeup mirror
709
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:49,095
where one side has 12-times magnification.
710
00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:54,767
Nobody needs to look at their face
magnified 12 times.
711
00:39:55,267 --> 00:40:00,731
At 12-times magnification, a wrinkle
looks like an irrigation ditch,
712
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:04,235
a blackhead looks like a manhole cover,
713
00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,530
and God forbid she find a chin hair.
714
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:10,408
Trust me, you're not
getting a girl out the door
715
00:40:10,491 --> 00:40:14,453
that sees something on her chin that looks
like the anchor rope to a battleship.
716
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:19,125
Do you know I have never,
ever looked at my face
717
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:21,419
in the 12-times magnification mirror?
718
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,256
Okay, to be totally honest,
a couple of times,
719
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:26,757
I did get out of the shower
720
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,301
and pause in front of it
just for a minute.
721
00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:32,388
[audience laughing and applauding]
722
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:44,233
Buenos dias, Señor Enchilada Grande.
723
00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:53,784
Next layer for my wife,
it's a total feminine phenomenon.
724
00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:56,370
It's the "just in case" layer.
725
00:40:57,079 --> 00:41:00,499
She'll always pack a little raincoat
and her travel umbrella,
726
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:02,501
just in case it rains.
727
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:04,712
I'm like, "Baby, I checked the forecast,
728
00:41:04,795 --> 00:41:07,256
there's less than a 5% chance
any day we're gonna be there."
729
00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:08,591
"Okay, fine."
730
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,969
"I don't know
what you're gonna do if it rains."
731
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,389
I'm like, "I do.
I'll probably go back inside."
732
00:41:17,057 --> 00:41:19,560
She'll always pack a sweater
or light jacket,
733
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:23,272
"Just in case it gets cold at night."
734
00:41:23,772 --> 00:41:27,151
As it so often does in Orlando in July.
735
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,947
Anybody else have a wife or girlfriend
that does this one?
736
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:37,453
My wife will pack
a collapsible, soft-sided suitcase
737
00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:40,623
inside of the hard-sided suitcase.
738
00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:43,000
People pointing at each other.
739
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:48,380
Just in case I buy something
while we're there.
740
00:41:49,131 --> 00:41:51,008
And if you're a gambling man,
741
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:54,428
take the over on my wife
buying something while we're there.
742
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,806
And I have never looked inside
the collapsible suitcase,
743
00:41:57,890 --> 00:42:02,603
but I'm willing to bet there's a smaller
collapsible suitcase inside of it.
744
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:06,899
My wife always loads up
a gallon Ziploc bag full of medicine,
745
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:09,527
just in case somebody gets sick.
746
00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:12,446
One time, I was playing in Buffalo,
it's like February.
747
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,990
They had snow up to here.
I had a little bit of a headache.
748
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:18,827
I go unzip the medicine bag,
we've got malaria pills.
749
00:42:20,412 --> 00:42:24,291
Thankfully missed the great
malaria outbreak in Buffalo that winter.
750
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,461
And I tell her,
"Baby, I love you to death."
751
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:31,882
"This is where your packing
just starts getting out of control."
752
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:36,011
So the last time we're getting ready
for vacation, I walked in the bedroom,
753
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:39,139
I caught her rooting through my suitcase.
754
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:41,225
She pulled out a five-pound bag of oats.
755
00:42:41,308 --> 00:42:44,228
She's like, "Uh-huh. What is this for?"
756
00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:45,771
I said, "Oh, that?"
757
00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:47,731
I said, "That…
758
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:51,902
is just in case the two donkeys
we're gonna need to carry your luggage
759
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:53,737
get hungry while we're gone."
760
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,823
[audience laughing]
761
00:43:03,122 --> 00:43:06,000
And actually she packs light
for airline travel
762
00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,711
as opposed to
if we're going on vacation in the car.
763
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:10,754
If we're going on vacation in the car,
764
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:14,174
there's a fine line
between packing and moving.
765
00:43:15,884 --> 00:43:19,305
But my wife and daughters
think it is their obligation
766
00:43:19,388 --> 00:43:22,266
to fill that SUV to the roof.
767
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:26,437
And the way they pack a car
would make a man lay in the floor and cry.
768
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:30,649
They'll bring out a bag with bread
and potato chips, put it on the bottom,
769
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,985
then put three suitcases on top of it.
770
00:43:33,819 --> 00:43:37,197
I'm like, "If you want me to live,
please let me do this."
771
00:43:38,907 --> 00:43:42,119
'Cause there's an art to packing the car,
is there not?
772
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:45,080
My dad taught me, you do suitcase Tetris.
773
00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:47,791
Flip them, spin them,
turn them upside down.
774
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:49,251
When he would get finished,
775
00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,756
you couldn't get a piece of notebook paper
between anything in that vehicle.
776
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:57,760
My dad can get a house full of furniture
into the trunk of a Buick.
777
00:43:58,469 --> 00:44:02,306
"Hold me the jack, hand me the piano.
I got this son of a gun now!"
778
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:06,477
And like my daddy,
once I get that car packed,
779
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:08,354
I'm ready to go.
780
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:10,105
Not my wife.
781
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:12,316
"No, we can't go yet."
782
00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:14,818
"The car's packed. Why can't we go?"
783
00:44:14,902 --> 00:44:17,404
"Because I gotta straighten up the house."
784
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:20,074
"Wait, do what?"
785
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,409
"I'm not gonna be able to have a good time
786
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:25,913
if I know I'm gonna be coming back
to a messy house."
787
00:44:26,914 --> 00:44:29,333
[audience cheering and laughing]
788
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:37,800
"Why didn't you straighten it up
the last couple of days?"
789
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:40,803
"Because I had to pack."
790
00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:45,766
Which, in a nutshell,
is why men die before women.
791
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,435
Because we want to.
792
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,521
[audience laughing]
793
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:56,902
We have been married for 36 years.
794
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:58,821
-My wife still--
-[audience clapping]
795
00:44:58,904 --> 00:45:00,280
Thank you.
796
00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,745
She still doesn't understand
797
00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:10,290
that my primary objective,
when going on vacation in the car,
798
00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:13,669
is to get to wherever we are going
799
00:45:13,752 --> 00:45:16,463
in the shortest recorded time
in human history.
800
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:18,674
That's all I'm trying to do.
801
00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:20,175
I've learned through the years,
802
00:45:20,259 --> 00:45:22,803
my wife's objective
on a vacation trip in the car,
803
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:25,848
is to consume enough liquid
804
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:29,476
where she will have to pee
every 15 minutes,
805
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,312
therefore destroying my objective.
806
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,691
And my wife
will never have to go to the bathroom
807
00:45:35,774 --> 00:45:37,693
until we've just passed an exit.
808
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:42,197
Then she's like, "Ooh, I gotta go,
and I gotta go really, really bad."
809
00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:46,118
I'm like, "Well, you will really, really
get your chance in 44 miles
810
00:45:46,201 --> 00:45:48,537
'cause that's how far it is
to the next exit."
811
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:53,542
Well, she will not go between exits.
812
00:45:54,126 --> 00:45:57,171
And every man in this room
has been between exits.
813
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:00,758
Nobody had to teach us how to do it.
814
00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:03,302
We came out of the womb
with this knowledge.
815
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:06,180
You pull the car off to the
side of the road, you get out,
816
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:09,183
and you check the air
in the right front tire.
817
00:46:13,979 --> 00:46:15,981
[audience laughing]
818
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,160
It's that easy, isn't it?
819
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:31,330
And, ladies, you could do this.
820
00:46:31,413 --> 00:46:35,501
Yes, you could. Change it from
the right front to the right rear tire.
821
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:43,634
[audience laughing]
822
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:52,267
[audience laughing and clapping]
823
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,436
[mouthing]
824
00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:02,402
I hope you guys have had fun tonight.
You know, it's--
825
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,572
[audience cheering and applauding]
826
00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:10,118
Thanks.
827
00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,915
You know, I'm such a blessed man,
828
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:17,751
because I've gotten to do this
for a long, long time.
829
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,795
And I've gotten to do
a lot of different things,
830
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,630
whether it's write books,
831
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:25,342
or host Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
or different things.
832
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:27,594
So I've never been bored.
833
00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:29,471
But If anybody
put a gun to my head and said,
834
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,931
"You gotta pick one thing,"
835
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:34,142
without hesitation it would be doing this.
836
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:38,438
I love stand-up
because this is what I see when I do this.
837
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:41,692
[audience laughing]
838
00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:45,028
"That's what you do. You do that."
839
00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:48,031
And every night I'm like,
"Thank God it's not just my family."
840
00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:51,034
-"Other people are doing this too."
-[audience clapping]
841
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,040
None of us have it figured out.
842
00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:59,418
Everybody's family is crazy.
843
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:04,214
The only negative thing
I've ever found about this job
844
00:48:04,298 --> 00:48:06,300
is you're on the road by yourself.
845
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:10,095
Which was why doing something like
the Blue Collar Comedy Tour was so fun,
846
00:48:10,178 --> 00:48:13,181
'cause I wasn't on the road by myself,
I was with my buddies.
847
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:15,142
[audience clapping]
848
00:48:15,225 --> 00:48:16,393
People will always say,
849
00:48:16,476 --> 00:48:21,064
"I bet y'all have so many funny stories
from when you're on the road together."
850
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:22,482
And there's a ton of them.
851
00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,027
And I'm not gonna
tell one on the other guys,
852
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,654
because they're not here
to give their side of it
853
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,406
and make it twice as funny,
854
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:32,451
but I will tell you, uh…
855
00:48:32,534 --> 00:48:35,579
one funny road story about me
856
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:37,998
that we can leave on tonight. So…
857
00:48:38,790 --> 00:48:42,044
not the summer of 2020,
the summer of 2019,
858
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:45,464
I was doing a bunch of summer dates
with Larry the Cable Guy.
859
00:48:45,547 --> 00:48:48,467
And in the summer, you get used--
860
00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:50,427
"Git-R-Done." Yeah.
861
00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:52,346
[audience laughing]
862
00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:54,890
So when you do shows in the summer,
863
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:57,643
you get used to being hot,
'cause it's usually,
864
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:00,395
you know, festivals, or fairs.
865
00:49:00,479 --> 00:49:01,605
or amphitheaters.
866
00:49:01,688 --> 00:49:05,609
We did a music festival in Phoenix.
867
00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:09,655
It was 112 degrees the day we did it.
868
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,698
The promoter's trying
to make us feel good.
869
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:13,784
"Come on, y'all, it's a dry heat."
870
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:18,038
I'm like, "So is the electric chair.
It's 112."
871
00:49:19,831 --> 00:49:23,293
But Larry and I did this show one night,
and it was in the South.
872
00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:25,128
I won't tell you the name of the city,
873
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,714
'cause somebody's probably
talented enough to go online
874
00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:30,509
and find a security camera
that could verify this.
875
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,054
But it wasn't just hot, it was humid.
876
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,723
And you can see, I don't sweat very much.
877
00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:39,434
But this night, ten minutes into the show,
878
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:42,312
I am dripping.
I mean, it's just dripping off my nose.
879
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:46,650
Thirty minutes into the show,
I look like I'm in a wet T-shirt contest.
880
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:50,529
Like somebody sprayed me with a fire hose.
I don't think I've ever sweated that much.
881
00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:52,864
So when the show was over,
882
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:55,367
I immediately go back to my dressing room
883
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:58,328
and start guzzling Gatorade and water
trying to rehydrate.
884
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:02,040
And we hardly ever eat before a show,
'cause it kinda makes you sluggish,
885
00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:04,751
so we're always hungry
when the show is over.
886
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:07,421
So I'm in my dressing room
chugging the Gatorade
887
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:10,173
and I hear Larry the Cable Guy
coming down the hall.
888
00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:14,136
He swings into my doorway
and he's like, "Hey, let's go eat!"
889
00:50:14,219 --> 00:50:17,806
-And Larry says this a lot, uh…
-[audience laughing]
890
00:50:18,932 --> 00:50:22,060
And I usually go,
'cause it's fun to watch Larry eat.
891
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,270
I mean, he can go.
892
00:50:23,770 --> 00:50:27,232
But you know how get when you get too hot,
you don't feel like doing anything.
893
00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:30,027
And I said, "Dude, I got too hot tonight.
I'm not hungry."
894
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:32,779
"I think I'm just gonna
go back to the hotel and go to bed."
895
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:34,906
He's like, "Are you kidding me?"
896
00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:40,954
He goes, "I cannot wait until
you ask me to do something for you."
897
00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:45,083
'What are you, nine years old?"
898
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,129
"This isn't personal. I got too hot."
899
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:52,215
So I got in the van,
and they took me back to the hotel.
900
00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:55,177
Anybody that makes their
living on the road, you know, you kinda…
901
00:50:55,260 --> 00:50:56,762
you have your little routine.
902
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,056
Like, I always like it
really dark in a room,
903
00:50:59,139 --> 00:51:00,974
so I'll turn the lights down low.
904
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:03,685
I like it cool.
I'll turn the thermostat down.
905
00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:06,271
But every day you're changing cities,
906
00:51:06,354 --> 00:51:08,523
and every hotel room
is a little bit different.
907
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,108
So one of my tricks is,
908
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:13,445
I'll always turn the lights on
in the bathroom and I'll shut the door,
909
00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:15,572
so if I have to
get up in the middle of the night,
910
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:19,701
at least I can orient to, you know,
what this particular hotel room is like.
911
00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:22,120
And I usually sleep in my underwear,
912
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:24,372
but this night they're soaking wet.
913
00:51:25,665 --> 00:51:28,502
And I told you,
I only pack three pairs, so…
914
00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:31,797
I'm like, "I'm not sleeping
in wet underwear."
915
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,841
So I peel them off,
and I flop in the bed naked and I'm out.
916
00:51:35,425 --> 00:51:37,928
Well, I wake up about 1:30 in the morning,
917
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:40,972
and I really, really, really have to pee.
918
00:51:41,056 --> 00:51:43,308
Any guy over 40
knows what I'm talking about.
919
00:51:43,391 --> 00:51:45,811
You have to pee too much
to go back to sleep.
920
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:47,896
There's no way you're going back to sleep.
921
00:51:47,979 --> 00:51:50,065
But you don't really wanna wake up.
922
00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:54,027
You just wanna go get this act over with
and get back in the bed.
923
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:57,989
So I get up, got my eyes about half open,
I see the light, and I walk in there.
924
00:51:58,073 --> 00:51:59,950
Well, as soon as the door closes,
925
00:52:00,033 --> 00:52:03,036
-I realize that I'm in the hall…
-[audience laughing]
926
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:12,838
…of a really nice hotel
without a stitch of clothes on.
927
00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:17,926
You wanna wake up in a hurry,
this is the way to do it.
928
00:52:18,844 --> 00:52:21,346
Forget coffee, this is much faster.
929
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:25,767
So I'm standing there
with nothing on in the hall.
930
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:29,604
I'm like Matt Damon in The Martian,
"Solve the problem, solve the problem."
931
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:34,526
Well, I knew Larry's room
was straight across the hall from mine.
932
00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:36,278
So I run over there.
933
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:38,446
-And I'm knocking on his door.
-[taps microphone]
934
00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:39,698
And he's not answering.
935
00:52:39,781 --> 00:52:43,451
And I can just picture him
peeking through the keyhole and laughing.
936
00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:48,039
As I'm knocking on his door,
I hear the elevator ding.
937
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:49,541
[audience laughing]
938
00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:51,209
I'm like, "Well, I got a 50-50 shot,
939
00:52:51,293 --> 00:52:54,087
they're either gonna come my way,
or they're going the other way."
940
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:57,090
These two Korean guys get off,
they're talking to each other,
941
00:52:57,174 --> 00:53:00,093
and they turn,
and they start heading right to me.
942
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:02,262
I'm like, "All right, what do you do?"
943
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:04,514
"Act like nothing's up." So…
944
00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:08,310
-I start walking towards them.
-[audience laughing]
945
00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:11,897
Literally pass them in the hall.
I'm like, "Hey, how are you doing?"
946
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,567
And one of them said something,
947
00:53:16,067 --> 00:53:19,905
which I really hoped meant,
"Wow, that was impressive."
948
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:24,951
But when I looked it up on Translator,
I found out it meant,
949
00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:27,078
"Did you see her mustache?"
950
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:29,164
[audience laughing]
951
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:39,466
So I knew I couldn't get on the elevators.
952
00:53:39,549 --> 00:53:41,885
I know elevators have cameras on them.
953
00:53:41,968 --> 00:53:46,014
I don't want to get on the elevators,
and I'm like, "What the heck do I do?"
954
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:51,144
Well, I saw the exit sign over the door
for the stairwell.
955
00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:54,272
I'm like,
"At least get out of the lighted hallway
956
00:53:54,356 --> 00:53:57,108
into the stairwell
and then try to come up with a plan."
957
00:53:57,192 --> 00:54:01,363
I'm hoping, as I'm running down the hall,
that there'll be a trash can there
958
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:05,659
with a trash bag that I can pull out
and wear like a sundress or something.
959
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:09,579
I get into the stairwell
and there's no trash can.
960
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:13,375
I'm trying to think
my way through what to do,
961
00:54:13,458 --> 00:54:17,170
and I notice there's a couple
of empty beer cans on the floor.
962
00:54:18,004 --> 00:54:22,384
Well, the reason I got up
in the first place was I had to pee.
963
00:54:23,426 --> 00:54:28,807
I have no idea how long
I'm going to be in this stairwell,
964
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:30,475
and I'm not proud of this,
965
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:33,770
but I picked those beer cans up
and I peed in them
966
00:54:33,853 --> 00:54:35,230
and put them back.
967
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:37,148
[audience laughing]
968
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:39,109
I feel terrible about it.
969
00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:43,571
'Cause I know somewhere down the road,
somebody's gonna have to clean them up.
970
00:54:43,655 --> 00:54:45,115
But it was Old Milwaukee,
971
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:48,743
and I figured they'll pick them up and go,
"Yeah, that's Old Milwaukee all right."
972
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:50,829
-So…
-[audience applauding]
973
00:54:56,376 --> 00:54:59,254
But, like I said,
this was a really nice hotel.
974
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:01,965
So they had 24-hour room service.
975
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:07,512
And I thought, "Maybe somebody has put
their room service tray outside the door
976
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:10,932
and I can get that cloth napkin
that they put on it
977
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,144
and wear it like
a Tarzan thing or whatever."
978
00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:17,480
So I start going down the stairwell
979
00:55:17,564 --> 00:55:19,316
and stopping at every floor
980
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:23,028
and looking down the hall
to see if I can see a room service tray.
981
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,323
I get down about,
I don't know, two or three floors
982
00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:28,575
and I don't see a room service tray,
983
00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:32,537
but I see two pizza boxes
outside somebody's room.
984
00:55:32,620 --> 00:55:35,790
Well, at this point,
they look like a tuxedo to me.
985
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:39,586
So I run down the hall,
pick up the pizza boxes,
986
00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,296
go back to the stairwell,
987
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:44,799
and I go down the last couple of floors,
and never do find a room service tray,
988
00:55:44,883 --> 00:55:48,053
but by now, it's really late.
It's like 2:00 in the morning.
989
00:55:48,136 --> 00:55:51,431
And from the lobby level,
I can crack the door open,
990
00:55:51,514 --> 00:55:54,392
I can see almost the entire lobby.
I don't see anybody.
991
00:55:54,476 --> 00:55:56,186
I don't hear anybody talking.
992
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:59,189
I think, "All right,
be brave for 20 seconds."
993
00:55:59,272 --> 00:56:01,858
I got one box in the front,
one in the back,
994
00:56:02,567 --> 00:56:03,860
and I go skidding.
995
00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,281
I go up to the desk,
there's this woman working there.
996
00:56:08,365 --> 00:56:10,700
As I approached, she looks up and goes…
997
00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:13,787
[audience laughing]
998
00:56:13,870 --> 00:56:15,121
"Can I help you?"
999
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,707
'Yes, ma'am, you can."
1000
00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:21,169
I said, "I accidentally locked myself
out of my room,
1001
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,922
can I just get another key,
so I can get back in?"
1002
00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:24,881
And she goes,
1003
00:56:25,423 --> 00:56:27,592
"Do you have any identification?"
1004
00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:32,722
I said, "I do,
but it's in my other pizza box."
1005
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:37,268
I'm like, "No, I locked myself
out of my room. I have nothing."
1006
00:56:37,352 --> 00:56:39,354
And she said, "Uh, well…
1007
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,233
I think I'm gonna need to call a manager."
1008
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:44,859
And she goes behind the wall.
1009
00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:47,320
And I'm thinking,
"She's not calling a manager."
1010
00:56:47,404 --> 00:56:49,489
"She's calling the cops."
1011
00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:51,241
But it's two o'clock in the morning,
1012
00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:53,660
I'm naked with a pizza box
in front of my junk.
1013
00:56:53,743 --> 00:56:55,078
What am I gonna do?
1014
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:56,371
And as I'm waiting,
1015
00:56:56,454 --> 00:56:59,833
all of the sudden,
the front doors to the hotel slide open
1016
00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:02,710
and in walks Larry the Cable Guy
1017
00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:04,462
and our tour manager.
1018
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:06,381
[audience laughing]
1019
00:57:06,464 --> 00:57:09,884
And I'm like, "Thank you, God!
This is answered prayer."
1020
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:13,388
They come walking across the lobby,
again, I am naked
1021
00:57:13,471 --> 00:57:15,473
holding a pizza box.
1022
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,686
Larry walks up, he doesn't say,
"Oh, my gosh, bud, what happened to you?"
1023
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:22,147
He looked at me,
he looked at the pizza box,
1024
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:25,150
he goes,
"I thought you said you wasn't hungry."
1025
00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:28,236
[audience laughing and applauding]
1026
00:57:31,489 --> 00:57:35,034
"I've been sitting here naked in the lobby
eating pepperoni."
1027
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:39,122
I said, "Dude, I accidentally
locked myself out of my room."
1028
00:57:39,205 --> 00:57:41,791
Well, about that time,
here comes the front desk lady back
1029
00:57:41,875 --> 00:57:44,377
and now she's got
a security guard with her.
1030
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:49,215
I said, "Larry, I need you to do me
a favor. Please tell her who I am,
1031
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:51,843
so she can give me a key
and I can get back in my room.
1032
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,432
He looked at me,
and he looked at her, and he goes,
1033
00:57:57,515 --> 00:58:01,978
"I have never seen him before
in my entire life."
1034
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:05,190
And he got on the elevator and went up.
1035
00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:10,778
Now, thankfully,
the security guard burst out laughing.
1036
00:58:11,362 --> 00:58:12,822
He recognized both of us.
1037
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:15,867
This was, like, the nicest guy
I think I've ever met in my life.
1038
00:58:15,950 --> 00:58:20,497
He got the emergency key, he rode up
the elevator with me and the pizza box,
1039
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:23,374
and walked me down the hall,
let me in my room.
1040
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:24,542
I said, "Wait right here."
1041
00:58:24,626 --> 00:58:27,086
I went and got my wallet.
I gave him a hundred-dollar bill.
1042
00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:29,714
I'm like, "Thank you so much."
1043
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:33,218
"Please never tell anybody about this."
1044
00:58:33,843 --> 00:58:36,304
And now I'm telling y'all for free.
1045
00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:41,142
So I got back in my room,
I put on my sweatpants and my T-shirt,
1046
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,937
and made sure
I had that room key in my pocket,
1047
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:45,980
and I waited about ten minutes.
1048
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:49,192
And I walk back across the hall
and knock on Larry's door.
1049
00:58:49,275 --> 00:58:50,527
[taps on mic]
1050
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,946
He opens the door, he's still laughing.
1051
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:56,824
He's like…
[imitates laughing hysterically]
1052
00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:59,160
He said, "I told you I couldn't wait
1053
00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:02,747
until you asked me
to do something for you."
1054
00:59:02,830 --> 00:59:05,375
[audience applauding]
1055
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:14,342
I said, "All right, you got me."
I said, "Are we even?"
1056
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,512
[laughing] He's like, "Yeah, we're even."
1057
00:59:17,595 --> 00:59:20,348
I said, "Well, just to prove
I don't have any hard feelings,
1058
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,433
I went and got you a beer."
1059
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,477
[audience laughing]
1060
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:27,647
You guys have been so great!
God bless you!
1061
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:30,775
-[rock outro playing]
-Be safe! Take care of each other!
1062
00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:33,903
Thank you for coming out.
You guys are the best.
1063
00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:36,114
[audience cheering]
1064
00:59:37,407 --> 00:59:39,576
-[mouthing]
-[cheering continues]
1065
00:59:45,248 --> 00:59:47,709
[rock outro continues]