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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Thank you!
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you for being here.
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It is nice to be out of the house, huh?
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Yes!
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I don't really--
I don't wanna talk about COVID tonight.
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A couple of things
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I will mention.
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I learned a couple of things during COVID.
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One, I learned,
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from wearing that mask everywhere I went
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and breathing my own breath,
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I need to go back
and apologize to anybody I've talked to
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in the last 30 years.
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Oh my!
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I had no idea my breath was that bad.
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Seriously, one day
I was in the grocery store
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and I'm like,
"Has a cow pooped in a gut pile?"
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"What is that?"
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And you're like, "Oh no, that's me."
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Something else I learned during COVID,
especially during lockdown,
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is I am not qualified
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to meet all of my wife's
conversational needs.
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It takes a village, as they say.
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And I am but one man.
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I love my sweet little wife to death,
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but she is a talker. She could talk
three dogs off a meat wagon.
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And she's also what they call
a verbal processor,
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which means every time
she has a thought or an idea,
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she doesn't just think it,
she says it out loud.
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So every morning during lockdown,
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I would get up
and pour myself a cup of coffee,
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and I'd turn around,
and there she would be.
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Every morning it'd be like,
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"Have you thought of where
we'll go when the pandemic is over?"
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"I gotta get out of this house.
Talking about out of this house,
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you won't believe what I found out about
the family that moved in down the street."
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"I told you
I thought that lady looked weird."
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"There's a light out in the kitchen.
I can't cook in the dark."
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"So if you wanna eat,
you might wanna pull the ladder out."
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"Why is it so hot in here?
Are you not hot? I am burning up."
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"Robin told me she can't find toilet paper
anywhere, people are hoarding it."
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"There ought to be an express line
in hell for whoever hoards toilet paper."
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"That is so wrong."
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"My God, I just saw my butt in the mirror.
Why didn't you say something to me?"
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"It's getting as wide as a school bus."
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"It's a wonder
I'm not knocking lamps off the table."
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"I had the weirdest dream last night."
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"I dreamed that your mother
and Will Smith got married,
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and that's not even the weird part."
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"The weird thing is,
they were jumping on the trampoline
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with firemen helmets on
and saying their vows."
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"What do you think that is all about?"
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"Why are you looking at me like that?
Is my hair messed up?"
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"Concentrate, I want you
to help me think of somebody
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we can set my cousin Kyle up with."
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"Bless his heart, he's all by himself
and he needs somebody.
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Talking about needs,
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I need you to look at my car because
the engine light's been on for a while."
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"When I say a while, I mean a few months."
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"Every time I drive it,
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there's a burning smell.
I don't think it's supposed to do that."
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"My God, what if Kyle is gay
and he hasn't come out of the closet yet?"
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"Say a little prayer
for Chip and Jennifer's grandson."
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"He's getting circumcised today.
And speaking of 30% off,
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that necklace I've been wanting
is on sale."
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"If you wanna get it for me
for my birthday, that would be all right."
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"Hey, if Kyle is gay, do you know
somebody we could set him up with?"
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"You work in show business,
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and there are
a lot of gay people in show business."
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"You'll roll your eyes
and tell me it's too far down the road,
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but for next year's Fourth of July picnic,
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should I make potato salad
like I did this year,
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or should I make that baked macaroni stuff
with the feta cheese and the tomatoes
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I made a few weeks ago and you loved it?
I could do either."
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"It doesn't matter to me."
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"And what's the deal
with your brother lately?"
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"He's become such a Moody Judy.
I don't even wanna talk to him."
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"Why are you making a noose?"
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"Untie that from the ceiling fan
and get off the bed."
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"You're messing up all my pillows."
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My day every day during lockdown.
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Now, some good stuff
happened during COVID too.
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Some really good stuff. I became a grandpa
for the very first time during COVID.
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So…
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And I love this little boy
more than any human being on the planet.
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And my daughter, I don't know how
she pulled this off, but somehow,
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she arranged to be able
to get on the Jerry Springer Show,
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and we were able
to find out who the father is
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without spending one dime
of our own money, so,
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that was great.
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I'm kidding.
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We have no idea who the father is.
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Something else great that happened
is my mother's flip phone finally broke.
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That is an event 20 years in the making.
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One month into COVID,
my mom's flip phone broke,
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so we bought her her very first iPhone.
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And if you were
to say to me tonight, "Jeff,
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would rather teach your mother how to text
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or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
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I'd probably say,
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"Hand me the toilet paper."
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"Let me give that a shot."
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The texting has been
a little bit of a challenge.
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And my daughters were so excited
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that their Gaba was finally texting.
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So they're texting her.
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One night, I get a call from my mom,
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and she says to me,
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"What is 'LOL'?"
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I said, "What are you talking about, Mom?"
She said, "Jordan sent me a text
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and at the end of it said 'LOL.'"
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I said, "How do you spell it?"
She said, "L-O-L."
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I said, "Mom, that's not 'LOL.'
That's 'Laugh Out Loud.'"
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"That's what the kids do now.
Instead of writing everything out,
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they just use initials."
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"Like IDK is 'I don't know.'"
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"OMG is 'Oh my gosh.'"
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I said, "That's how they do it."
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A few nights later,
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I get a text from my mother that says,
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"I, Y, G, T, T, G, S, I, N, S, K."
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I'm like, "Oh God, Mom's had a stroke."
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I called her up and said,
"Mom, what did you just text me?"
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She said, "I was doing like the girls do."
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"I said, 'If you go to the grocery store,
I need some ketchup.'"
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"Well, of course. Why didn't see that?"
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And she loves this iPhone
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because it has features on it
that her flip phone didn't have.
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Like reception.
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So she called me one night,
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and I answered
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'cause I didn't have
anything to do for an hour and half.
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And I'm talking to my mom,
and during the call, my mom mentioned
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that there'd been
a couple of break-ins in her neighborhood.
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I said, "Mom, that's a little concerning."
She said, "I know."
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She said, "That is why I'm thinking
about getting my carry permit."
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My mother is 85 years old.
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Her eyesight is bad, her hearing is worse,
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and she has the balance
of Ron White after midnight.
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And now,
she's thinking about getting a pistol.
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I said, "Look, Mom, I am a supporter
of the Second Amendment."
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"You can call me overly cautious." I said,
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"But maybe
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you shouldn't be packing heat
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if you're wearing a Life Alert."
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Though she could use her pillboxes
to sort the bullets in, you know.
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I said, "Mom,
you might want to think this out."
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"You better hope loading the thing
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is easier than opening a jar of pickles,
or you're gonna be in trouble."
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'Cause she has arthritis in her fingers.
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Then I thought, "Hell, I bet my agent
could get her a commercial.'
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"You know, my arthritis had gotten so bad
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that I could barely
jack a round into the chamber."
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"But thanks to new, improved Bufferin,
I can make it rain, dawg."
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"You feel me, bruh?"
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I hung up and said to my wife,
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"I know what
I'm getting Mom for Christmas."
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"I'm getting her the magnetic holster
she can slap on the side of her walker,
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and I'm getting her husband
the bulletproof vest
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he can wear underneath
his cardigan sweater,
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just in case she goes spider monkey
during the Wheel of Fortune."
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And that's where
my wife and I are in life right now.
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We got our kids grown,
got them out of the house.
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We had a quick snack.
Now, we're raising our parents.
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I swear they passed each other
in the driveway.
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Let me tell you something,
I thought teenagers were crazy.
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Teenagers are a piece of cake
compared to old people.
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They're nuts!
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I was getting my car serviced a while back
and they called to say it was ready.
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I called my father-in-law, '"Can you
give me a ride to the dealership?"
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On the way to the dealership,
he needed to stop for gas.
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I learned on that little stop
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that it is possible
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to wash your entire car
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with the squeegee from the gas station.
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And I know this
because I sat in the passenger seat
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and watched him do it.
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I sat there until the guy
at the next pump started videoing it,
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then I slid down on the floorboard
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'cause I didn't want
to get tagged on Instagram.
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He got back in the car, I said,
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"You do realize the gas station
has got a car wash right there?"
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He goes, "Yeah, well, that's six bucks."
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I'm like, "So to save six dollars,
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you gave away all your dignity
and washed your car
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with a squeegee and
the dirtiest water on the planet Earth?"
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I used to have fantasies
about going out with a girl
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as nasty as the squeegee water
at the gas station.
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He is such a trip.
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And he walks around,
he's got his pants up to his nipples now.
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And he just talks about how the world
has gone to hell in a hay wagon,
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and it used to be so much better
back in the good old days.
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Of course, when he describes
the way he grew up,
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it's always tough. It's like, "Oh yeah."
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"We had no electricity,
me and my brother shared a pair of shoes."
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"We had to walk to school
through five feet of snow."
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00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,969
I'm like, "When did it snow
five feet in New Orleans?"
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But I kinda get what he means
about the good old days.
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Because, think about it, as you get old,
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technology has changed your entire life.
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00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,693
Morality has changed.
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00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:17,403
Society has changed.
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00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,320
All of a sudden,
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00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,699
you find yourself living in a world
that doesn't make sense to you.
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00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:25,786
So you kinda long for that world where
you felt like you had things figured out.
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00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,748
To them, that's the good old days,
but it couldn't have been perfect.
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I was asking my mom about it.
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00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:35,755
Do you know my mom had an outhouse
until she was 14 years old?
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00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,966
I said, "Mom,
what would you do in the wintertime
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00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:42,219
if you had to go to the bathroom
and it was late at night?"
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00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,388
She said, "We went in a bucket."
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00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,559
They called it a slop jar
or honey pot. That's what they did.
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00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,061
They went to the bathroom in a bucket.
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00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:52,855
And I'm thinking,
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00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:57,985
"I know how my wife responds
to the aroma of a broccoli casserole
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00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:01,822
that's been in the refrigerator
one day too long."
220
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,201
"I cannot imagine her response
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00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,912
to a bucket of turds in the living room."
222
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,294
And you know
one of the euphemisms for dying
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is "He kicked the bucket."
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I bet you
that's what that's talking about.
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00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,428
"Baby, I'm sorry,
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00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:28,224
but I accidentally kicked over
that bucket there in the living room."
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00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,900
I think if things had been perfect
in the good old days,
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00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,654
the guy that invented Viagra
wouldn't be a billionaire.
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00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,614
'Cause back in the good old days,
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00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:46,242
when God told you
you were out of the game,
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00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,829
you just walked out in the backyard
and started a garden.
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00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,873
And the only hoe you were playing with
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00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,501
was the one to get the weeds
out of the tomatoes.
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00:13:56,877 --> 00:14:00,840
But now, thanks to Viagra,
people are playing into their eighties.
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00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,052
Let that mental image
sink in just a second.
236
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,347
Just that pile of flesh,
and everything in the pile
237
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,058
looks like it needs ironing, you know.
238
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,981
I do think it's cool
that the nursing homes
239
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,316
are now giving the old guys
half a tablet a night,
240
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,112
just to keep them
from falling out of bed, so…
241
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,075
Kind of a kickstand deal there.
242
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,914
Now, everybody talks about this stuff.
243
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,166
Back in the good old days,
244
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,835
if a man was
245
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,254
trying to shoot pool with a rope,
246
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:43,507
he kept it to himself.
247
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,677
But now, it's a cottage industry.
248
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,139
I heard a radio ad the other day
where this guy said,
249
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,183
thanks to his ED formulas,
250
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,519
he could now help men perform
251
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:59,231
for 30, 60, even 90 minutes.
252
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:02,484
I'm thinking, "90 minutes?"
253
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:10,743
Oh my gosh,
my attention span is not that long.
254
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:15,831
After 20, I'd be like, "I'm gonna go
make a sandwich. You want anything?"
255
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:24,506
I mean, there is a little something
to aging gracefully, right?
256
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,675
And I miss my youth.
257
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,510
I miss my young body.
258
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,889
I would not trade
my old-minded soul for it,
259
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:34,183
but I do miss my young body.
260
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:38,562
I remember being a little kid
and having energy to burn.
261
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:43,776
When was the last time you had
excess energy you needed to burn off?
262
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:47,655
Think about it. When you were a kid,
you had so much energy
263
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:51,075
you couldn't watch TV
just sitting in a chair.
264
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:55,287
You had to stand on your head,
or be half on the chair and half off.
265
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,705
The commercial would come on,
266
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,583
and you'd wrestle with each other
till the show came back.
267
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,127
Hell, if you walked in my house now
268
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,129
and you found me watching the TV
269
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:07,633
with my butt on the sofa
and my head on the floor,
270
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,594
call 911.
271
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,764
Because even if I am still alive,
272
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:18,769
there's no way I'm gonna be able to
get back to a standing position by myself.
273
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,862
But I had a great childhood.
274
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:31,657
You know, I played every sport,
275
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:32,825
for the recreation center.
276
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:35,369
My parents didn't make me pick one sport
277
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:38,998
because they thought
I was gonna play professional whatever.
278
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,542
I played every sport.
And it was weird back then.
279
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,293
Because if you wanted a trophy,
280
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,046
you had to finish in first place.
281
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:48,674
It was nuts.
282
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,516
So many great memories.
283
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,977
I remember, as a child,
going to the doctor.
284
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,063
If you behaved yourself
and you didn't cry if you got a shot,
285
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,400
you always got to pick out
a toy from the treasure chest
286
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,862
behind the nurse's station.
Anybody remember the treasure chest?
287
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,197
Why did that have to stop?
288
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,159
Seriously, I wouldn't mind
going to the doctor now
289
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,745
and him putting on a rubber glove
to check my prostate
290
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,664
if I knew on the way out
I could swing by the treasure chest
291
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,250
and get a new spider ring, you know.
292
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,919
"That baby glows in the dark."
293
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,089
"Turn out the lights.
Check that out right there."
294
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,971
I remember being a kid,
laying in the back window of the car
295
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,057
riding all the way to Florida.
296
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,143
Nowadays, because of child car-seat laws,
297
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:44,354
you have to be in the 6th grade
before you can see where you're going
298
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,899
instead of where you just been.
299
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,946
Now one of the hardest things
in our lives
300
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,365
is we have to remember passwords.
301
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:59,286
Nobody can remember their password
to any… There's so many of them.
302
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,538
When I was growing up
in the good old days,
303
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,749
I only had to remember one password.
304
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:08,128
That was the password to get in
to our secret clubhouse back in the woods.
305
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,005
And it was a beauty.
306
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:13,884
"What's the password?"
307
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,222
"Boobies."
308
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,357
It was all we thought about,
so why not make it the password?
309
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,027
Every meeting I ever remember
having in the clubhouse,
310
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,737
that's what it was about.
311
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:35,989
One of my friends,
312
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,825
I think he's in prison now,
313
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:41,286
had a theory that
if heaven was a perfect place,
314
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,080
once you get past the pearly gates,
315
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,582
it would just be
a giant field of naked boobies,
316
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,711
and they'd let you take your shoes off
and run around for a little while.
317
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:09,148
I remember thinking right then and there,
"I'm going to church."
318
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,239
I know education is probably better now.
319
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,576
I mean, they test you to see
if you have learning differences,
320
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,328
or if you're gifted,
they might give you elevated courses.
321
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,623
Back in the good old days,
it didn't matter if you were a genius
322
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:30,627
or if you were eating crayons,
you were all in the same class.
323
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,298
And they put no thought
into what they were teaching us.
324
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,842
I remember
my 11th-grade year of high school,
325
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:40,762
one semester of English
was devoted entirely to poetry.
326
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:44,850
What were blue-collar kids
from the wrong side of the tracks
327
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,935
going to do with poetry?
328
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:51,481
My husband won't fix
The broken screen door
329
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:55,569
Our cat just threw up
A dead bird on the floor
330
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:59,740
I have four little children
I constantly feed
331
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:03,744
So please don't you ask me
Why I smoke weed
332
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:18,383
Now they're teaching sex education
in 5th grade, starting in the 5th grade.
333
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,887
Nobody taught me about sex
back in the good old days.
334
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:25,224
My parents told me nothing.
My school taught me nothing.
335
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:29,061
Everything I learned about sex
I pieced together for myself.
336
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:33,649
I'm serious. When I was 11,
we had an uncle that raised rabbits.
337
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,360
So we were out at his farm one weekend,
338
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,696
and he took a group of us
out to the shed where he kept the rabbits.
339
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:44,368
He had all the males in cages on one side,
and all the females in cages on the other.
340
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:45,786
He opened a male's cage,
341
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,997
grabbed him by the neck,
walked over, opened a female's cage,
342
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,040
dropped him in there.
343
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:54,878
And that male rabbit
jumped on top of that female rabbit
344
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:58,632
and jackhammered like a hurricane
345
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:01,218
for, like, five seconds.
346
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,428
Then he fell off on his back.
347
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,557
And everybody was laughing, except me.
348
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:12,980
'Cause I'm like, "Oh my God, I don't know
if I gonna be able to do it that fast."
349
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:19,278
Turns out I had nothing to worry about.
350
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,830
You know, probably the…
351
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,958
the thing that changed most
352
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,210
from the good old days to now
353
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:36,670
is this.
354
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,588
This little gadget right there.
355
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,466
This little gadget changed the world.
356
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:46,221
Now everybody on the planet
has one of these in their hand, 24/7, 365.
357
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,932
Doesn't matter
if you're in a third world country,
358
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,268
you might not have enough to eat,
you got a phone.
359
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:55,939
See, back in the good old days,
my entire family had one phone.
360
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:59,026
It was hardwired
into the wall of the kitchen.
361
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:01,194
It came in four possible colors:
362
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:05,824
Black, white,
harvest gold, and avocado green.
363
00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:10,329
We had the avocado green,
364
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:14,082
and my parents actually
sprung for the extra-long cord.
365
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:18,712
Let me tell you, the phone company
didn't cheat you on the extra-long cord.
366
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:22,758
Our phone cord
was over a quarter of a mile long.
367
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:26,428
My mom could walk down the driveway
and check the mail,
368
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:29,514
never quit talking to her sister.
"You know, 'cause I…"
369
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,643
But because
the whole family had one phone,
370
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:36,688
you never had any privacy
if it was for you.
371
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,608
So you'd learn tricks.
Like, you'd run it under the door
372
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:44,029
and go down the hall or sit in the pantry
and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend
373
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:48,116
while your siblings made
kissing noises from around the corner.
374
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,577
But because you stretched it out so far,
375
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,080
remember the downside
of the extra-long cord?
376
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:54,331
Anybody remember?
377
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:56,625
Yeah, it was always
378
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,418
tangled up.
379
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:02,381
Like Aunt Judy's thong
after kickboxing lessons.
380
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:09,471
But when it was stretched out,
it was almost like a lethal weapon.
381
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,224
My mom used to talk
on the phone while cooking,
382
00:23:12,307 --> 00:23:14,142
they were on other sides of the kitchen.
383
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,561
So one night she's cooking
and talking on the phone,
384
00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:19,231
and I'm chasing my brother
through the house.
385
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,816
We round into the kitchen,
386
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,985
he never saw the phone cord.
He hit it right there.
387
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,362
His feet went up in the air,
388
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:28,990
the back of his head hit the floor
like wedding night panties.
389
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:33,703
My mom never quit cooking
and never quit talking. She…
390
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:36,123
I'm on the phone.
391
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,263
Now, I will say this.
392
00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:54,808
Back in the good old days,
you got excited when the phone rang.
393
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:57,727
You would race each other
to answer the phone.
394
00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,771
'Cause you had no idea who it might be.
395
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:02,566
Might be your grandmother
or the President of the US.
396
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,443
You didn't know until you picked it up.
397
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:10,282
But now caller ID has taken
all the joy out of answering the phone.
398
00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:11,992
Now your phone rings, you're like,
399
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,245
"Hell no. I ain't doing that."
400
00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:18,790
"Nobody got time for that."
401
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:24,129
And because we stick our phones
in our pockets, purses, and things,
402
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:26,047
they're always rubbing against something,
403
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,801
and we're always accidentally
dialing people we didn't mean to dial.
404
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:31,470
We call them "butt-dials."
405
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,890
All right, I'm gonna see
what an honest audience you are.
406
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:38,351
How many people
listen more intently to butt-dials
407
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:40,562
than they do actual phone calls?
408
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:47,736
If somebody butt-dials me
and I have nothing to do,
409
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:50,238
I'll stay on for, like, 20 minutes.
410
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:57,329
I have a buddy named Purdie,
makes furniture.
411
00:24:57,412 --> 00:25:00,248
Purd always sticks his phone
in the front pocket of his jeans,
412
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,042
so he's always butt-dialing somebody.
413
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:05,795
One night he butt-dialed me,
and I didn't have anything going on,
414
00:25:05,879 --> 00:25:09,007
so I'm just listening to him
walk around his shop.
415
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,592
After about ten minutes,
416
00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,386
I hear a door open,
and I hear a lid go up,
417
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,223
and I hear him starting to pee.
418
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:20,268
Being the mature adult that I am,
I jumped out of my chair,
419
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:21,978
ran into the kitchen to my wife,
420
00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,481
and went, "Purd's peeing!"
421
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:28,902
We put it on speaker phone.
and me and my wife stood there
422
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:32,280
and listened to my friend urinate.
423
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,076
"Oh my God, I hope he farts at the end."
424
00:25:36,159 --> 00:25:37,619
"Please."
425
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:43,041
What is wrong with us?
426
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:47,754
And here's the fascination with this.
427
00:25:47,837 --> 00:25:50,757
The thing we had
mounted on the wall in the kitchen,
428
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,092
that was only a phone.
429
00:25:52,175 --> 00:25:53,552
This is everything.
430
00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:57,764
This is everything
we used to go somewhere else to get.
431
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,934
Like, people used to stay up late
to watch the 11:00 news,
432
00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:04,521
so they knew what the sports scores were
and what the weather was gonna be.
433
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:06,856
Now you have up-to-the-minute radar.
434
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:08,692
You've got the weather for two weeks,
435
00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:11,027
and you got
all your sports updates right there.
436
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:13,446
This thing is your airline ticket,
your Bible,
437
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,740
your flashlight, your Rolodex.
438
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:19,035
It's your music library,
it's a video arcade.
439
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,871
It's a world-class camera.
440
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,249
Some of you younger people
don't know this.
441
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:26,585
Cameras used to be separate things,
442
00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:29,754
and you'd have to buy film
and put it in them.
443
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:35,302
You'd take 24 pictures, having no idea
if they were good, bad, or out of focus.
444
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:38,763
Then, when you'd taken all 24,
you'd take the film out of it,
445
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,349
go to the drugstore,
and you'd give it to them,
446
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,018
where they would process it.
447
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:45,812
Then, after everybody
who worked at the drugstore
448
00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:48,773
had had an opportunity
to look at your pictures,
449
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:51,693
they'd call you, and you'd go get them.
450
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:53,445
And you knew they looked.
You pick them up,
451
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,615
they're like, "When did y'all
go to the Grand Canyon?"
452
00:26:57,991 --> 00:26:59,868
"You son of a bitch."
453
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:06,416
But see, back then,
pictures were precious.
454
00:27:06,499 --> 00:27:09,044
Even if they were out of focus
or somebody's head was cut off,
455
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:10,545
you put them in a photo album
456
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:13,798
'cause it was your only proof
that you had been somewhere.
457
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,760
But now, you look at your picture,
if something's wrong with it,
458
00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:18,553
you delete it and take another one.
459
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,388
So pictures are no longer precious.
460
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,557
We just take pictures of everything.
461
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:25,560
My daughters take pictures of their food.
462
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:28,813
When we're in restaurants,
when the waiter puts their plate down,
463
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:31,816
my daughters are like,
"Hold on. The camera eats first."
464
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:37,656
They take a picture of their food
and send it to their friends.
465
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,950
I'm like, "Hell, when I was growing up,
if you ate a delicious waffle,
466
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,828
other people had
to take your word for it."
467
00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:49,501
This thing is amazing.
Do you know this thing,
468
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:52,420
if it is lost it can find itself?
469
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:55,215
Most of us need Jesus to do that,
470
00:27:55,298 --> 00:27:57,175
but not this joker.
471
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:01,596
It can not only find itself,
it can find you.
472
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,015
It can find anybody in your family.
473
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:05,725
It's a world-class GPS.
474
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:07,936
You put in it any direction
475
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,689
to anywhere in the world,
it will take you right there to it
476
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:14,567
and tell you, within the minute,
what time you're gonna get there.
477
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:18,697
See, we didn't have GPS
back in the good old days. We had maps.
478
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:21,866
We kept them
in the glove compartment of the car.
479
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,494
Nobody wanted to ever open them
because if you did,
480
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,913
you never got it folded back down again.
481
00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:28,873
So we were always lost.
482
00:28:28,957 --> 00:28:30,917
Hell, when we went on family vacations,
483
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,670
the only thing that was "recalculating"
484
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:35,088
was our dad.
485
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:38,675
"All right, kids, I have changed my mind."
486
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:43,179
"Instead of going to Disney World,
we're all gonna go in this hardware store
487
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:45,640
and have a look around. How about that?"
488
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,021
This thing is amazing. This little thing
489
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:54,899
is more powerful
than the biggest computers
490
00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:56,818
we had in the world in 1980.
491
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,571
All the knowledge in the world
right at your fingertips.
492
00:28:59,654 --> 00:29:02,615
You wanna know how much
an elephant weighs, ask your phone.
493
00:29:02,699 --> 00:29:05,910
You wanna know how tall Tom Cruise is,
ask your phone.
494
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:09,164
See, back in the good old days,
if we wanted to know something,
495
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,583
we had to wait until our cheap-ass parents
496
00:29:11,666 --> 00:29:14,419
broke down and bought
a set of encyclopedias.
497
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:18,548
And here was the deal,
you didn't get them all at one time.
498
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:21,551
You made a down payment,
they'd give you the A volume.
499
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:24,804
You keep making payments,
a few years later, you'd get the B.
500
00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,181
So that first year,
501
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:30,059
you could talk
very intelligently about Antarctica,
502
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:32,437
or aardvarks.
503
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:35,774
But if you had to do
a school report on Zimbabwe,
504
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,610
you were being held back another year.
505
00:29:39,652 --> 00:29:43,323
'Cause that Z volume wasn't coming
until you were in your thirties.
506
00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:48,411
And I don't know that having
all the knowledge in the world
507
00:29:48,495 --> 00:29:50,872
is necessarily a good thing.
508
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,791
We're obsessed with it.
509
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:55,710
Especially when it comes to medical stuff.
510
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,587
Back in the good old days,
511
00:29:57,670 --> 00:30:00,215
people accepted aches and pains.
512
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:04,469
It's just part of what went on
when you started getting old.
513
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:08,598
But now, any time we have an ache or pain,
we gotta go google it.
514
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:10,683
You can have a hangnail,
you're googling it.
515
00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:12,811
"What's the best way
to treat a hangnail?"
516
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,980
"On rare occasions,
hangnails can be an indicator
517
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:18,858
you've had an undiagnosed
cerebral hemorrhage."
518
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:22,737
"Oh hell!"
519
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:27,534
"What's wrong, Lloyd?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong, Connie."
520
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,703
"Sixty seconds ago,
I didn't know I had a cerebral,
521
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,706
and now, apparently,
the damn thing is hemorrhaged."
522
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:40,588
You get scared to death
with medical stuff on your phone.
523
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,049
You don't even have to be looking for it.
524
00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:45,009
I had a pop-up not long ago
525
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:46,761
that said, "Low back pain
526
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:50,598
can be an early indicator
of premature blindness."
527
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:54,561
Hell, I've got low back pain.
528
00:30:55,436 --> 00:30:59,190
I thought it was because I helped my wife
rearrange the furniture in the den.
529
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:00,608
Why did I move the couch?
530
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,610
Now I'm just gonna run into it.
531
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:08,449
I gotta get online and order a guide dog
while I can still find my laptop.
532
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:16,833
Thing is ama-- it's a TV.
No excuse to ever miss the game anymore.
533
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,503
How many guys, be honest, ever sat
during a wedding, phone on your lap,
534
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:23,256
turn the volume down,
and watched the football game?
535
00:31:23,339 --> 00:31:25,008
Yeah. And it's porn.
536
00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:26,551
You don't have to be looking for it.
537
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:29,596
There's so much porn in here,
it's looking for you.
538
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:34,642
Not long ago, my wife and I were trying
to figure out where to go eat one night,
539
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,353
I typed in "delicious Italian near me."
540
00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:38,271
I'm like…
541
00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:46,237
Mamma mia.
542
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,325
That's a spicy meatball there.
543
00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:54,621
See, back in the good old days,
544
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:59,834
porn was when of your friends
found a discarded Playboy magazine.
545
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:03,129
And you would sneak it back
to the secret clubhouse in the woods.
546
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,131
Therefore, the password.
547
00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:11,095
And maybe if you're into porn,
now is the good old days,
548
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:14,807
because it took two hands
to hold that magazine
549
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:18,353
but only one hand to hold your phone.
550
00:32:26,152 --> 00:32:27,362
And human beings,
551
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:30,740
being able to corrupt
anything that is good,
552
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:34,118
have found such naughty things
to do with this phone.
553
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:37,455
People actually take
pictures of their private parts
554
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:39,499
and send them to other people,
555
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:42,669
which is such a fabulous idea.
556
00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:47,465
What could possibly go wrong
with an idea like that?
557
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:49,926
See, back in the good old days,
558
00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:55,056
if I had wanted to send my girlfriend
a picture of my private parts,
559
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,267
I would've had to have found
a piece of notebook paper,
560
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:00,895
put it on the edge of the kitchen table,
561
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:03,606
waited until nobody else was home,
562
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,067
ran over to the table, dropped my pants,
563
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,236
lay junior on the paper,
564
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,738
take a pencil, and trace him out.
565
00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:14,075
Then, I would've had
to get a box of crayons,
566
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:16,327
and it would've had
to be the 64-count box,
567
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:18,830
because it was the only one
that had flesh tone in it,
568
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,459
color it in, fold that paper up,
put it in an envelope,
569
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:27,130
address it to my girlfriend,
put a stamp on it, walk down the driveway,
570
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:29,799
and put it in the mailbox
to mail it to her,
571
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,844
so three days later
she could call me and go,
572
00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:36,222
"Why did you send me
a drawing of your thumb?"
573
00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:49,027
Just not the sexy effect
you're looking for.
574
00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:54,032
One of the things
I missed the most during COVID
575
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:56,659
was this, being on the road.
I love to travel.
576
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:58,369
My wife loves to travel,
577
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:01,914
and when it became evident that
we weren't going anywhere for a while,
578
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:05,376
my wife ordered
a bunch of travel magazines.
579
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,921
So one night I'm sitting at home,
flipping through one of her magazines,
580
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,965
and I found an article in there
581
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:12,925
that was written by a woman
582
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:17,930
trying to teach other women
how to pack for a ten-day trip
583
00:34:18,014 --> 00:34:20,850
using only a carry-on suitcase.
584
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:24,312
Let me repeat that. A woman
585
00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:27,398
packing for ten days
586
00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:30,151
using only a carry-on suitcase.
587
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:33,571
And I thought,
"What woman is she talking about?"
588
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,323
"Barbie?"
589
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:41,871
My wife couldn't pack for a nudist colony
in a carry-on suitcase.
590
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:46,084
And now the airlines
only let you take one carry-on.
591
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:48,252
If I'm with my wife, she'll have two,
592
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,922
and I have
whatever I can fit in my pockets.
593
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:55,176
But I thought it was interesting,
because we live in an age
594
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:57,762
where people try
to make everything sexist,
595
00:34:57,845 --> 00:35:01,474
that this article was just written
to women. She didn't say men.
596
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:04,018
I think men could do
ten days in a carry-on.
597
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,728
-Could you do it?
-Oh yeah.
598
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:06,646
I could do it.
599
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:10,024
You might be burning the socks
and underwear, but I could do it.
600
00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:14,779
'Cause I think most men
probably pack like I pack.
601
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:18,950
I'll walk in my closet and think,
"I'm about to be out for three days."
602
00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:23,287
"Three days means three pairs of socks,
three pairs of underwear, three shirts,
603
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,082
another pair of jeans
in case I spill something on these,
604
00:35:26,165 --> 00:35:28,376
toothbrush, razor blade.
Boom, ready to go."
605
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,586
"Ten seconds of well-thought-out packing."
606
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,173
That's how I pack.
607
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:39,011
Now, when I go on vacation with my wife…
608
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:43,808
And let me say this right up front,
I love being on vacation with my wife,
609
00:35:43,891 --> 00:35:48,479
'cause my wife is a lot more "friendly"
on vacation than she is at home.
610
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,526
Something about having numbers
on the doors seems to light her fire.
611
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,696
The same girl
that won't look at me twice at home,
612
00:35:56,779 --> 00:35:59,991
you get numbers on the door,
she is hanging the trapeze
613
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:02,618
before the bell hop's to the ice machine.
614
00:36:04,787 --> 00:36:08,040
Love being on vacation with my wife.
615
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:11,711
It's getting to vacation
that is the challenge,
616
00:36:12,211 --> 00:36:15,506
because it takes my wife
longer than ten seconds to pack.
617
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,717
It takes her days to pack.
618
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:21,220
Because she has outfits.
619
00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:24,974
There's not a man in this room
that has an outfit.
620
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,853
But my wife has to put together an outfit
621
00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:31,647
for every day we're gonna be gone.
622
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:35,401
Plus additional outfits, in case
we go out somewhere nice to dinner.
623
00:36:35,484 --> 00:36:39,280
Plus reserve outfits,
in case some of the starters get hurt.
624
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:42,700
So this takes a lot of time and work.
625
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:46,078
So two or three days
before we're even supposed to leave,
626
00:36:46,162 --> 00:36:48,789
my wife will start
pulling clothes out of the closet,
627
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,958
and she'll lay them on the bed
628
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,045
like Flat Stanley mannequins.
629
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,505
And she just stares at them.
630
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:03,930
Sometimes she'll call me in.
"Come here, I need your help."
631
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:09,435
"Okay, I am down to these two outfits.
Which one do like the best?"
632
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,230
The one on the left.
633
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:14,523
"Are you kidding me?"
634
00:37:16,859 --> 00:37:19,028
"What's wrong with the one on the right?"
635
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,531
"Nothing wrong with it.
I just like the one on the left."
636
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:27,453
"I love that one on the right."
637
00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,748
"Now that I start thinking about it,
638
00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:33,334
I think I really like
that one on the right."
639
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:34,752
"No, you don't."
640
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:37,255
"You're just saying that."
641
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:39,715
"Now I don't know what to do."
642
00:37:40,216 --> 00:37:43,052
"I know what to do.
I'm gonna go jump in front of a bus."
643
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:45,680
"You stand here
and stare at this for a while."
644
00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:49,976
And the difference between us
645
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:53,020
is once I have my clothes packed,
I'm packed.
646
00:37:53,521 --> 00:37:56,107
With my wife, her clothes,
647
00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:58,734
that's just the foundation.
648
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:01,737
Her packing is like an archaeological dig.
649
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:03,864
There's many, many layers to it.
650
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:07,827
Because once she has
all the outfits picked out,
651
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:11,038
now she has to go back
and pick out the jewelry
652
00:38:11,122 --> 00:38:14,208
that goes with each particular outfit.
653
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:16,168
If you watch Court TV,
654
00:38:16,252 --> 00:38:19,213
that's what they call
the jewelry selection process.
655
00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:23,926
Next layer is the shoes.
656
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:25,678
The shoes take a long time.
657
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,888
She doesn't like to be
apart from her shoes.
658
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:30,558
She spends longer
picking shoes for vacation
659
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:33,102
than we spent
picking names for our children.
660
00:38:33,936 --> 00:38:37,898
I hope to God she never has
to choose between her shoes and me.
661
00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:42,862
'Cause I could see the surgeon going,
"Mrs. Foxworthy, we can save Jeff's life,
662
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:44,488
but in order to do it,
663
00:38:44,572 --> 00:38:47,283
you would have
to get rid of all of your shoes."
664
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:12,600
"He said he wants to be cremated."
665
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,564
"I'm gonna need
some new shoes for that ceremony."
666
00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:25,988
Next layer is the electronics.
667
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:27,114
Because one time,
668
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:30,242
we went on vacation
and the hotel didn't have a hairdryer.
669
00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:33,621
So now my wife never packs a suitcase
without packing a hairdryer.
670
00:39:33,704 --> 00:39:35,998
But she also packs a hair curler
671
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:37,583
and a hair straightener.
672
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:41,712
I'm like,
"Don't they cancel each other out?"
673
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:45,508
Then, she will pack
that lighted makeup mirror
674
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:49,095
where one side has 12 times magnification.
675
00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:54,767
Nobody needs to look at their face
magnified 12 times.
676
00:39:55,267 --> 00:40:00,731
At 12 times magnification,
a wrinkle looks like an irrigation ditch,
677
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:04,235
a blackhead looks like a manhole cover,
678
00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,530
and God forbid she find a chin hair.
679
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:11,492
You're not getting a girl out the door
that sees something on her chin
680
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:14,370
that looks like
the anchor rope to a battleship.
681
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:19,125
Do you know I have never,
ever looked at my face
682
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:21,419
in the 12 times magnification mirror?
683
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,256
Okay, to be totally honest,
a couple of times,
684
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:26,757
I did get out of the shower
685
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,301
and pause in front of it
just for a minute.
686
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:44,233
Buenos días, Señor Enchilada Grande.
687
00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:53,784
Next layer for my wife,
it's a total feminine phenomenon.
688
00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:56,370
It's the "just in case" layer.
689
00:40:57,079 --> 00:41:00,499
She'll always pack
a little raincoat and her travel umbrella,
690
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:02,501
just in case it rains.
691
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:04,628
I'm like, "I checked the forecast,
692
00:41:04,712 --> 00:41:07,256
there's less than a 5% chance
any day we're there."
693
00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:08,591
"Okay, fine."
694
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,969
"I don't know
what you're gonna do if it rains."
695
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,389
I'm like, "I do.
I'll probably go back inside."
696
00:41:17,057 --> 00:41:19,560
She'll always pack
a sweater or a light jacket,
697
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:23,272
just in case it gets cold at night.
698
00:41:23,772 --> 00:41:27,151
As it so often does in Orlando in July.
699
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,947
Anybody else have
a wife or girlfriend that does this?
700
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:37,453
My wife will pack
a collapsible, soft-sided suitcase
701
00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:40,623
inside of the hard-sided suitcase.
702
00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:43,000
People pointing at each other.
703
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:48,380
"Just in case
I buy something while we're there."
704
00:41:49,131 --> 00:41:51,008
And if you're a gambling man,
705
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:54,428
take the over on my wife
buying something while we're there.
706
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,806
And I have never looked
inside the collapsible suitcase,
707
00:41:57,890 --> 00:42:02,603
but I'm willing to bet there's a smaller
collapsible suitcase inside of it.
708
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:06,899
My wife always loads up
a gallon Ziploc bag full of medicine,
709
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:09,527
just in case somebody gets sick.
710
00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:12,446
One time, I was playing in Buffalo,
it's, like, February.
711
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,990
They had snow up to here.
I had a bit of a headache.
712
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:16,575
I go unzip the medicine bag,
713
00:42:16,659 --> 00:42:18,827
we've got malaria pills.
714
00:42:20,412 --> 00:42:24,291
Thankfully missed the great
malaria outbreak in Buffalo that winter.
715
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,461
And I tell her,
"Baby, I love you to death."
716
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:31,882
"This is where your packing
just starts getting out of control."
717
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:36,011
So the last time we're getting ready
for vacation, I walked in the bedroom,
718
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:39,139
I caught her rooting through my suitcase.
719
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:41,225
She pulled out a five-pound bag of oats.
720
00:42:41,308 --> 00:42:44,228
She's like, "Uh-huh. What is this for?"
721
00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:45,771
I said, "Oh, that?"
722
00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:47,731
I said, "That
723
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:51,902
is just in case the two donkeys
we're gonna need to carry your luggage
724
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:53,737
get hungry while we're gone."
725
00:43:03,122 --> 00:43:06,000
And actually she packs light
for airline travel
726
00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,711
as opposed to
if we're going on vacation in the car.
727
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:10,754
If we're going on vacation in the car,
728
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:14,174
there's a fine line
between packing and moving.
729
00:43:15,884 --> 00:43:19,305
But my wife and daughters
think it is their obligation
730
00:43:19,388 --> 00:43:22,266
to fill that SUV to the roof.
731
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:26,437
And the way they pack a car
would make a man lay on the floor and cry.
732
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:30,649
They'll bring out a bag with bread
and potato chips, put it on the bottom,
733
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,985
then put three suitcases on top of it.
734
00:43:33,819 --> 00:43:37,197
I'm like, "If you want me to live,
please let me do this."
735
00:43:38,907 --> 00:43:42,119
'Cause there's an art
to packing the car, is there not?
736
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:45,080
My dad taught me, you do suitcase Tetris.
737
00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:47,791
Flip them, spin them,
turn them upside down.
738
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:49,126
When he would get finished,
739
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:53,756
you couldn't get a piece of notebook paper
between anything in that vehicle.
740
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:57,760
My dad could get a house full of furniture
into the trunk of a Buick.
741
00:43:58,469 --> 00:44:02,306
"Hold the jack, hand me the piano.
I got this son of a gun now!"
742
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:06,477
And like my daddy,
once I get that car packed,
743
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:08,354
I'm ready to go.
744
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:10,105
Not my wife.
745
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:12,316
"No, we can't go yet."
746
00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:14,818
"The car's packed. Why can't we go?"
747
00:44:14,902 --> 00:44:17,404
"Because I gotta straighten up the house."
748
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:20,074
"Wait, do what?"
749
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,409
"I'm not gonna be able to have a good time
750
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:25,913
if I know I'm gonna be
coming back to a messy house."
751
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:37,800
"Why didn't you straighten it up
the last couple of days?"
752
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:40,803
"Because I had to pack."
753
00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:45,766
Which, in a nutshell,
is why men die before women.
754
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,435
Because we want to.
755
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:56,902
We have been married for 36 years.
756
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,488
My wife still… Thank you.
757
00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,745
She still doesn't understand
758
00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:10,290
that my primary objective,
when going on vacation in the car,
759
00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:13,669
is to get to wherever we are going
760
00:45:13,752 --> 00:45:16,463
in the shortest recorded time
in human history.
761
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:18,674
That's all I'm trying to do.
762
00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:20,175
I've learned through the years,
763
00:45:20,259 --> 00:45:22,803
my wife's objective
on a vacation trip in the car
764
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:25,848
is to consume enough liquid
765
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:29,476
where she will have to pee
every 15 minutes,
766
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,312
therefore destroying my objective.
767
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,691
And my wife will never
have to go to the bathroom
768
00:45:35,774 --> 00:45:37,693
until we've just passed an exit.
769
00:45:39,027 --> 00:45:42,197
Then she's like,
"I gotta go, and I gotta go really bad."
770
00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:46,118
I'm like, "You will really
get your chance in 44 miles
771
00:45:46,201 --> 00:45:48,537
'cause that's how far it is
to the next exit."
772
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:53,542
Well, she will not go between exits.
773
00:45:54,126 --> 00:45:57,171
And every man in this room
has been between exits.
774
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:00,758
Nobody had to teach us how to do it.
775
00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:03,302
We came out of the womb
with this knowledge.
776
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:06,180
You pull the car off
to the side of the road, get out,
777
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:09,183
and you check the air
in the right front tire.
778
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,160
It's that easy, isn't it?
779
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:31,330
And, ladies, you could do this.
780
00:46:31,413 --> 00:46:35,501
Yes, you could. Change it from
the right front to the right rear tire.
781
00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,693
I hope you guys have had fun tonight.
782
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:02,986
You know, it's…
783
00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:10,118
Thanks.
784
00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,915
Yeah, I'm such a blessed man
785
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:17,751
because I've gotten
to do this for a long time.
786
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,795
I've gotten to do
a lot of different things,
787
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,630
whether it's write books,
788
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:25,342
or host Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
Or different things.
789
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:27,594
So I've never been bored.
790
00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:30,931
But if anybody put a gun to my head
and said, "You gotta pick one thing,"
791
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:34,142
without hesitation it would be doing this.
792
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:38,438
I love stand-up because
this is what I see when I do this.
793
00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:45,028
"That's what you do. You do that."
794
00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:48,031
And every night I'm like,
"Thank God it's not just my family."
795
00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:50,117
"Other people are doing this too."
796
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,040
None of us have it figured out.
797
00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:59,418
Everybody's family is crazy.
798
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:04,214
The only negative thing
I've ever found about this job
799
00:48:04,298 --> 00:48:06,300
is you're on the road by yourself.
800
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:10,095
Which was why doing something like
the Blue Collar Comedy Tour was so fun,
801
00:48:10,178 --> 00:48:13,098
'cause I wasn't on the road by myself,
I was with my buddies.
802
00:48:15,225 --> 00:48:19,521
People will always say,
"I bet y'all have so many funny stories
803
00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:22,482
from when you're on the road together."
There's a ton of them.
804
00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,027
I'm not gonna tell one on the other guys,
805
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,654
because they're not here
to give their side of it
806
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,406
and make it twice as funny.
807
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,033
But I will tell you
808
00:48:32,534 --> 00:48:35,579
one funny road story about me
809
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:37,998
that we can leave on tonight. So,
810
00:48:38,790 --> 00:48:42,044
not the summer of 2020,
the summer of 2019,
811
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:45,464
I was doing a bunch of summer dates
with Larry the Cable Guy.
812
00:48:45,547 --> 00:48:48,634
And in the summer, you get used…
813
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:49,760
Git-R-Done.
814
00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:54,890
So when you do shows in the summer,
815
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:57,643
you get used to being hot
because it's usually,
816
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:00,395
you know, festivals, or fairs,
817
00:49:00,479 --> 00:49:01,605
or amphitheaters.
818
00:49:01,688 --> 00:49:05,609
We did a music festival in Phoenix.
819
00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:09,655
It was 112 degrees the day we did it.
820
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,698
The promoter's trying
to make us feel good.
821
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:13,784
"Come on, y'all, it's a dry heat."
822
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:18,038
I'm like, "So is the electric chair.
It's 112."
823
00:49:19,831 --> 00:49:23,293
But Larry and I did this show one night,
and it was in the South.
824
00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:25,045
I won't tell you the name of the city
825
00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:27,714
because somebody's probably
talented enough to go online
826
00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:30,509
and find a security camera
that could verify this.
827
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,054
But it wasn't just hot, it was humid.
828
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,723
And you can see, I don't sweat very much.
829
00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:39,434
But this night, ten minutes into the show,
830
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:42,312
I am dripping.
I mean, it's just dripping off my nose.
831
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:46,650
Thirty minutes into the show,
I look like I'm in a wet T-shirt contest.
832
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:50,529
Like somebody sprayed me with a fire hose.
I don't think I've ever sweated that much.
833
00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:52,864
So when the show was over,
834
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:55,367
I immediately go back to my dressing room
835
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:58,328
and start guzzling Gatorade
and water, trying to rehydrate.
836
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:01,707
And we hardly ever eat before a show
'cause it kinda makes you sluggish,
837
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,751
so we're always hungry
when the show is over.
838
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:07,421
So I'm in my dressing room
chugging the Gatorade,
839
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:10,173
and I hear Larry the Cable Guy
coming down the hall.
840
00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:14,136
He swings into my doorway
and he's like, "Hey, let's go eat."
841
00:50:14,219 --> 00:50:16,888
And Larry says this a lot.
842
00:50:18,932 --> 00:50:22,060
And I usually go
'cause it's fun to watch Larry eat.
843
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,270
I mean, he can go.
844
00:50:23,770 --> 00:50:27,232
But you know, when you get too hot,
you don't feel like doing anything.
845
00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:30,027
And I said, "Dude,
I got too hot tonight. I'm not hungry."
846
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:32,779
"I think I'll go
back to the hotel and go to bed."
847
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:34,906
He's like, "Are you kidding me?"
848
00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:40,954
He goes, "I cannot wait
until you ask me to do something for you."
849
00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:45,167
I'm like, 'What are you, nine years old?"
850
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,129
"This isn't personal. I just got too hot."
851
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:52,215
So I got in the van,
and they took me back to the hotel.
852
00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:56,762
Anybody that makes their living
on the road, you have your little routine.
853
00:50:56,845 --> 00:51:00,974
I always like it really dark in the room,
so I'll turn the lights down low.
854
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:03,685
I like it cool.
I'll turn the thermostat down.
855
00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:06,271
But every day you're changing cities,
856
00:51:06,354 --> 00:51:08,523
and every hotel room
is a little bit different.
857
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,150
So one of my tricks is,
858
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:13,403
I'll always turn the lights on
in the bathroom and shut the door.
859
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:15,572
If I have to get up
in the middle the night,
860
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:19,701
at least I can orient
what this particular hotel room is like.
861
00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:22,120
And I usually sleep in my underwear,
862
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:24,372
but this night they're soaking wet.
863
00:51:25,665 --> 00:51:28,502
And I told you,
I only pack three pairs, so…
864
00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:31,797
I'm like, "I'm not sleeping
in wet underwear."
865
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,841
So I peel them off,
and I flop in the bed naked and I'm out.
866
00:51:35,425 --> 00:51:37,928
I wake up about 1:30 in the morning
867
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:40,972
and I really, really, really have to pee.
868
00:51:41,056 --> 00:51:43,308
Any guy over 40
knows what I'm talking about.
869
00:51:43,391 --> 00:51:45,811
You have to pee
too much to go back to sleep.
870
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:47,896
There's no way you're going back to sleep.
871
00:51:47,979 --> 00:51:50,065
But you don't really wanna wake up.
872
00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:54,027
You just wanna go get this act over with
and get back in the bed.
873
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:57,989
I get up, I got my eyes about half open,
I see the light, and I walk in there.
874
00:51:58,073 --> 00:52:00,492
As soon as the door closes, I realize
875
00:52:00,575 --> 00:52:02,160
I'm in the hall…
876
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:12,838
of a really nice hotel
without a stitch of clothes on.
877
00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:17,926
You wanna wake up in a hurry,
this is the way to do it.
878
00:52:18,844 --> 00:52:21,346
Forget coffee, this is much faster.
879
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:25,851
So I'm standing there
with nothing on in the hall.
880
00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:29,354
I'm like Matt Damon in The Martian,
"Solve the problem."
881
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:34,526
I knew Larry's room
was straight across the hall from mine.
882
00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:38,363
So I run over there
and I'm knocking on his door.
883
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:39,656
He's not answering.
884
00:52:39,739 --> 00:52:43,451
I can just picture him
peeking through the keyhole and laughing.
885
00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:48,123
As I'm knocking on his door,
I hear the elevator ding.
886
00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:51,084
I'm like, "I got a 50-50 shot,
887
00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:54,087
they're either coming my way,
or they're going the other way."
888
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:57,090
These two Korean guys get off,
they're talking to each other,
889
00:52:57,174 --> 00:53:00,093
they turn,
and they start heading right to me.
890
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:02,262
I'm like, "All right, what do you do?"
891
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:04,514
"Act like nothing's up." So…
892
00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:07,392
I start walking towards them.
893
00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:11,897
Literally pass them in the hall.
I'm like, "Hey, how are you doing?"
894
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,567
And one of them said something,
895
00:53:16,067 --> 00:53:19,905
which I really hoped meant,
"Wow, that was impressive."
896
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:24,951
But when I looked it up on Translator,
I found out it meant,
897
00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:27,078
"Did you see her mustache?"
898
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:39,466
So I knew I couldn't get on the elevators.
899
00:53:39,549 --> 00:53:41,885
I know elevators have cameras on them.
900
00:53:41,968 --> 00:53:46,014
I don't want to get on the elevators
and I'm like, "What the heck do I do?"
901
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:51,144
Well, I saw the exit sign
over the door for the stairwell.
902
00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:54,272
I'm like,
"At least get out of the lighted hallway
903
00:53:54,356 --> 00:53:57,108
into the stairwell
and then try to come up with a plan."
904
00:53:57,192 --> 00:54:01,363
I'm hoping, as I'm running down the hall,
that there will be a trash can there
905
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:05,659
with a trash bag that I can pull out
and wear like a sundress or something.
906
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:09,579
So I get into the stairwell,
and there's no trash can.
907
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:13,375
And I'm trying to think
my way through what to do,
908
00:54:13,458 --> 00:54:17,170
and I notice there are
a couple of empty beer cans on the floor.
909
00:54:18,004 --> 00:54:22,384
Well, the reason I got up
in the first place was I had to pee.
910
00:54:23,426 --> 00:54:28,807
I have no idea how long
I'm going to be in this stairwell,
911
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:30,475
and I'm not proud of this,
912
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:33,770
but I picked those beer cans up
and I peed in them
913
00:54:33,853 --> 00:54:35,230
and put them back.
914
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:39,109
I feel terrible about it.
915
00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:43,488
'Cause I know somewhere down the road
somebody's gonna have to clean them up.
916
00:54:43,571 --> 00:54:45,115
But it was Old Milwaukee,
917
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:49,452
and I figured they'll pick them up and go,
"Yeah, that's Old Milwaukee all right."
918
00:54:56,376 --> 00:54:59,254
But, like I said,
this was a really nice hotel.
919
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:01,965
So they had 24-hour room service.
920
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:07,512
And I thought, "Maybe somebody has put
their room service tray outside the door
921
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:10,932
and I can get that cloth napkin
that they put on it
922
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,144
and wear it like
a Tarzan thing or whatever."
923
00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:17,480
So I start going down the stairwell
924
00:55:17,564 --> 00:55:19,316
and stopping at every floor
925
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:23,028
and looking down the hall
to see if I can see a room service tray.
926
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,323
I get down about,
I don't know, two or three floors
927
00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:28,575
and I don't see a room service tray,
928
00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:32,537
but I see two pizza boxes
outside somebody's room.
929
00:55:32,620 --> 00:55:35,790
At this point,
they look like a tuxedo to me.
930
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:39,586
So I run down the hall,
pick up the pizza boxes,
931
00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,296
I go back to the stairwell,
932
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:44,799
and I go down the last couple of floors
and never find a room service tray,
933
00:55:44,883 --> 00:55:48,053
but by now, it's really late.
It's like two in the morning.
934
00:55:48,136 --> 00:55:51,431
And from the lobby level,
I can crack the door open,
935
00:55:51,514 --> 00:55:54,392
I can see almost the entire lobby.
I don't see anybody.
936
00:55:54,476 --> 00:55:56,186
I don't hear anybody talking.
937
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:59,189
I think, "All right,
be brave for 20 seconds."
938
00:55:59,272 --> 00:56:01,858
I got one box in the front,
one in the back,
939
00:56:02,567 --> 00:56:03,860
and I go skidding.
940
00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,281
I go up to the desk,
there's this woman working there.
941
00:56:08,365 --> 00:56:10,700
As I approach, she looks up and goes…
942
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:15,121
"Can I help you?"
943
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,707
'Yes, ma'am, you can."
944
00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:21,169
I said, "I accidentally
locked myself out of my room,
945
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,922
can I just get another key,
so I can get back in?"
946
00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:24,881
And she goes,
947
00:56:25,423 --> 00:56:27,592
"Do you have any identification?"
948
00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:32,722
I said, "I do,
but it's in my other pizza box."
949
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:37,268
"No, I locked myself out of my room.
I have nothing."
950
00:56:37,352 --> 00:56:39,354
And she said, "Well…
951
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,233
I think I'm gonna need to call a manager."
952
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:44,984
And she goes behind the wall.
953
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:48,988
I'm thinking, "She's not calling
a manager. She's calling the cops."
954
00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:53,576
But it's 2:00 in the morning, I'm naked
with a pizza box in front of my junk.
955
00:56:53,660 --> 00:56:55,078
What am I gonna do?
956
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:56,371
And as I'm waiting,
957
00:56:56,454 --> 00:56:59,833
all of a sudden,
the front doors to the hotel slide open,
958
00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:02,710
and in walks Larry the Cable Guy
959
00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:04,462
and our tour manager.
960
00:57:06,464 --> 00:57:09,884
And I'm like, "Thank you, God!
This is answered prayer."
961
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:13,388
They come walking across the lobby.
Again, I am naked,
962
00:57:13,471 --> 00:57:15,473
holding a pizza box.
963
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,686
Larry walks up, he doesn't say,
"My gosh, bud, what happened to you?"
964
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:22,147
He looked at me, looked at the pizza box,
965
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:25,150
he goes,
"I thought you said you wasn't hungry."
966
00:57:31,489 --> 00:57:35,034
"I've been sitting here
naked in the lobby eating pepperoni."
967
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:39,205
I said, "Dude, I accidentally
locked myself out of my room."
968
00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:41,791
About that time,
here comes the front desk lady back,
969
00:57:41,875 --> 00:57:44,377
and now she's got
a security guard with her.
970
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:49,215
I said, "Larry, I need you to do me
a favor. Please tell her who I am,
971
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:51,843
so she can give me a key
and I can get back in my room."
972
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,432
He looked at me,
he looked at her, and goes,
973
00:57:57,515 --> 00:58:01,978
"I have never seen him before
in my entire life."
974
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:05,190
And he got on the elevator and went up.
975
00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:10,778
Now, thankfully,
the security guard burst out laughing.
976
00:58:11,362 --> 00:58:12,864
He recognized both of us.
977
00:58:12,947 --> 00:58:15,867
This was the nicest guy
I think I've ever met in my life.
978
00:58:15,950 --> 00:58:20,497
He got the emergency key, rode up
the elevator with me and the pizza box,
979
00:58:21,414 --> 00:58:23,541
and walked me down the hall,
let me in my room.
980
00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:24,542
I said, "Wait here."
981
00:58:24,626 --> 00:58:27,086
I went and got my wallet.
I gave him a $100 bill.
982
00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:29,714
I'm like, "Thank you so much."
983
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:33,218
"Please never tell anybody about this."
984
00:58:33,843 --> 00:58:36,304
And now I'm telling y'all for free.
985
00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:41,142
So I got back in my room,
put on my sweatpants and my T-shirt,
986
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,937
made sure
I had that room key in my pocket,
987
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:45,980
and I waited about ten minutes.
988
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:49,317
And I walk back across the hall
and I knock on Larry's door.
989
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,946
He opens the door, he's still laughing.
990
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:54,656
He's like…
991
00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:59,160
He said, "I told you I couldn't wait
992
00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:02,747
until you asked me
to do something for you."
993
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:12,966
I said, "All right, you got me."
994
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,342
I said, "Are we even?"
995
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,554
He's like, "Yeah, we're even."
996
00:59:17,637 --> 00:59:20,348
I said, "Just to prove
I don't have any hard feelings,
997
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,225
I went and got you a beer."
998
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:26,145
You guys have been so great.
999
00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:27,647
God bless you!
1000
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:30,775
Be safe. Take care of each other.
1001
00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:33,903
Thank you for coming out.
You guys are the best.