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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎太棒了

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‎好讚

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‎真好

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‎謝謝，明尼亞波利斯

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‎請坐

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‎看到各位真開心

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‎謝謝，看臺區，誠心感謝

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‎感謝你們付半價看表演

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‎謝謝大家，真…

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‎今天有人想抱我

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‎這樣說好像很失禮，但…

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‎有位熟女很貼心

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‎她看到我，我們兩個愣住不動
‎她大喊：“天哪”

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‎“等一下”

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‎“你是那個誰嗎？”

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‎我回：“對，我是”

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‎他說：“來抱一下”

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‎我心想：“完了”，不是我不喜歡

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‎我只是很怕

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‎各位懂吧？

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‎現在誰還擁抱啊？

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‎我想：“改成擊拳也可以吧”

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‎她說：“不行，你過來”

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‎“我是抱抱族”

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‎她使出大鵬展翅

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‎殺氣騰騰地過來，我放棄逃生

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‎我說：“要抱來抱，要死一起死”

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‎因為我搞不清楚狀況

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‎但我就是這麼偏執

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‎對了，“我是抱抱族”
‎別再用這招了吧？

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‎已經不流行了

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‎我是抱抱族，就這樣？

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‎不考慮一下？

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‎不能再這樣做了，大家懂為什麼

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‎尤其是和男生，原因更明顯

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‎我舅舅也這樣說：“快過來！”

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‎我是抓屁族，快過來

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‎狠狠捏一下

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‎不，沒關係

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‎我是抓屁族

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‎別覺得彆扭

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‎不，我抓屁屁，我喜歡

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‎不，這一點我們懂

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‎但我個性傳統

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‎這是我的魅力所在

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‎我愛吃駱駝趾

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‎這是我的作風

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‎吃到關節就好

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‎我不會有感覺

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‎我沒有神經末梢

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‎妳不能生氣

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‎問我家人就知道

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‎我生下來就這樣

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‎我喜歡偶爾炒飯一下，大家都很接受

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‎我不想改變

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‎別這麼…天兵，拜託

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‎不過，我覺得擁抱真的落伍了

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‎但我是加州人

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‎大家也許聽過

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‎我們兩週式封城持續三年了

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‎結果慘兮兮

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‎封城很難熬，大約過了六個月

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‎我心想

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‎“兩週式封城有新消息嗎？”

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‎“有傳出什麼風聲嗎？”

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‎“我還在家裡”

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‎後來州長出現

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‎說要開記者會

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‎宣布政策要鬆綁

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‎人家只想去餐廳

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‎我只在乎這件事

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‎我想：“太好了”

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‎“把餐廳解封吧”

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‎後來他上電視

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‎讓大家白高興一場，因為他說

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‎“星期一開始實施紫級政策”

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‎我心想：“爽啦”

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‎“不知道是什麼意思，就這麼辦”

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‎“星期一開始，我們會開放採石場”

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‎“修箭店”

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‎他說啥？

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‎他是說：“箭”嗎？

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‎“拼貼裝飾中心”

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‎“毛毛蟲庇護所”

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‎你在說什麼啊？

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‎現在演到哪一齣？

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‎和餐廳有關嗎？沒有，那是橘級
‎那是…

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‎你不知道？你不…那是…

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‎一年半前的事了，但…

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‎無聊至極

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‎過了幾個月

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‎傳出疫苗的謠言，記得吧？

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‎輝瑞，我不曉得怎麼唸，輝瑞

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‎但那時

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‎過了這麼久，大概一年，突然間

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‎同一天推出三種疫苗

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‎啟人疑竇，但我不在意

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‎我願意當沒看見，幫我打針
‎我們去吃東西

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‎各位都懂，這…有點可疑

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‎在同一個禮拜

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‎我很累

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‎我不在乎了

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‎隨你們便

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‎很像比了很久的賽馬

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‎輝瑞來了，輝瑞可能跑第一

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‎莫德納在彎道追上來，莫德納…

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‎那是誰？是AZ！

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‎真是緊張萬分

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‎反正輝瑞贏了，後來輝瑞疫苗問世

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‎他們發出公告

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‎他們很驕傲的說：“我們是輝瑞”

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‎我們的疫苗功效達九成

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‎我心想：“我剛剛聽到什麼？”

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‎我對天發誓

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‎我以為他報錯功效

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‎我只念過社區大學，什麼都不懂

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‎我對朋友說
‎“那個白癡連續講錯三次

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‎大家都不糾正他”

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‎我們輝瑞的功效達九成
‎但我們必須

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‎在零下負四千五百度的環境才行

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‎我心想：“沒關係”

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‎有些地方很奇怪，但沒關係

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‎我的冰箱在哪裡？

127
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‎但我會接種

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‎隔天

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‎莫德納出現

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‎我們的功效達95%

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‎喔

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‎室溫條件就行了

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‎繼續說

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‎隔天，AZ又出現

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‎我們功效達96%

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‎我們的是沐浴球，天哪！

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‎讓我打吧

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‎這個聽起來很簡單

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‎輕鬆搞定

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‎後來，愛抱怨醫師大概受夠了

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‎我無意冒犯，真的是…

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‎很掃興

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‎我不斷受壞消息打擊

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‎根本沒有醫者心腸
‎每次看到我，他都說

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‎“你覺得呢？”，“會更慘”

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‎“如果要我憑空猜測

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‎我猜會更糟”

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‎“局勢會持續糟到無極限”

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‎不管怎樣，我心想：“可惡”

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‎“還有希望嗎？中和一下吧”

151
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‎“找第二意見吧？”

152
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‎“不行，相信我，很糟糕”

153
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‎之後就不斷更新死亡人數

154
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‎嚇得我屁滾尿流失了魂

155
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‎我拒絕再聽，真的好無聊

156
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‎就像傑瑞路易斯的電視馬拉松
‎我們會說：“蒂芬妮，開拍了”

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‎“金額達到一千萬！”

158
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‎我不會因此開心

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‎愛抱怨先生

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‎他一直說

161
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‎“還會有第五波，我警告各位
‎第五波”

162
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‎結果真的出現第五波，他很興奮

163
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‎他很開心，他說中了

164
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‎我心想：“糟糕！”，他卻說

165
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‎“再上電視！快上妝，好了
‎補光燈打開”

166
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‎“情況會很糟，有第五波”

167
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‎“比《洛基第五集》還糟”，屁咧

168
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‎不會比《洛基第五集》還糟，胡說！

169
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‎口氣真像《洛基第五集》的教練

170
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‎“這個人會把你打得站不起來

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‎你會被裝進屍袋”

172
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‎有三個人聽過洛基

173
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‎其實…

174
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‎我剛搬到洛杉磯時，聽過一則流言

175
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‎是關於史特龍的

176
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‎我猜是因為他去年

177
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‎被控訴也是“我也是”的加害人
‎我不知道真實與否，但是

178
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‎有人在傳流言

179
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‎我記得剛搬去時

180
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‎聽過他一則很誇張的流言

181
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‎內容是這樣

182
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‎“他的雞雞硬不了”

183
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‎雞雞沒用了

184
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:04,942
‎你們沒聽錯，我心想

185
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,819
‎“我好像在酒桶派對，要…”

186
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,446
‎怎麼回事？

187
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‎他們說：“他在《藍波第三集》
‎施打類固醇”

188
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‎我有看，但我不會爆雷，但…

189
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‎我猜…

190
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‎不只這樣

191
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‎還有更扯的

192
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‎“他那裏有裝幫浦

193
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‎在臀部裝了類似香水幫浦的東西
‎讓它勃起”，我問

194
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‎“有可能嗎？不可能啦”

195
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:30,551
‎我說：“絕對是假的，不然我也會裝”

196
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‎誰不會啊？

197
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‎給我三個，其中兩個備用

198
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‎我心想：“幹嘛不裝？”

199
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‎這樣多好啊？

200
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,769
‎我想像他當時在派對的樣子

201
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,854
‎他會邀美女到他的豪宅

202
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,565
‎他會說：“喝完這杯，我們不如

203
00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:46,609
‎去主臥室吧？”

204
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‎什麼？

205
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‎她說

206
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‎“我可能要續杯”

207
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‎他說：“沒問題”

208
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‎可惡

209
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,266
‎持平地說，這則笑話大多是音效

210
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‎靠音效撐起的笑話

211
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:23,271
‎這段會減掉

212
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,363
‎明天我會很生氣

213
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:43,624
‎其實我有一件大衣
‎要穿去明尼蘇達

214
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‎不騙你！

215
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,131
‎他們沒騙人

216
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,091
‎氣溫值前面真的有負號

217
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,884
‎我心想：“不可能”

218
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,180
‎我去洛杉磯一家自以為高檔的商店
‎我說

219
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,517
‎“我要一件冬季大衣”
‎他們說：“這件很好”

220
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,562
‎“是蓬鬆羽絨外套
‎外層用皮革包覆”

221
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,439
‎我說：“哇！“

222
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,649
‎他們說：“很多饒舌歌手都有買”

223
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:09,734
‎我說：“我買了”

224
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:13,487
‎饒舌歌手覺得很酷的，我鐵定買

225
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,156
‎不用多想，老子買了

226
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,991
‎我穿上之後問

227
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,910
‎“好想快點穿去滑雪”，他說…

228
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,539
‎“我不會穿去滑雪”

229
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,750
‎你在大雪中

230
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,252
‎不會穿冬季大衣？他回…

231
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,962
‎“會在雨中穿嗎？”

232
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,005
‎“不會”

233
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,884
‎“我不會在下雪

234
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:41,057
‎下雨、凍雨、冰雹、陣雨、毛毛雨

235
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,685
‎刮大小風

236
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,773
‎黎明、日蝕…

237
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,318
‎黃昏或傍晚時穿”

238
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:56,364
‎“老實說`，這件算室內大衣”
‎我想：“好吧”

239
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:58,574
‎像是客廳，他說：“是廚房”

240
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,286
‎算是拍網美照時穿的

241
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,205
‎脫下來之後

242
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:05,790
‎拍張照

243
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,458
‎再放回衣櫥

244
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:12,296
‎我問：“多少錢？9萬？”
‎結果我買了，告訴你原因

245
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,839
‎不買看起來很蠢

246
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,013
‎我今年主持了《鑽石求千金》

247
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:24,558
‎《鑽石求千金之…

248
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,977
‎天堂版》

249
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,481
‎節目有點…你們懂吧？

250
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:34,068
‎最有趣的是，我到當地時

251
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:37,238
‎我搭飛機到墨西哥後，他們說

252
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:39,573
‎“你得住在四星級飯店”

253
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,368
‎誰知道滿分是一千級

254
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,538
‎我住的地方很破爛，而且…

255
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,666
‎這句話很刻薄，那是一棟房子

256
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:52,044
‎只是到我樓上房間的樓梯在室外
‎超奇怪

257
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,296
‎我到了之後，看到四處都是螃蟹

258
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:58,759
‎戶外滿滿的蟹老闆，裡面有一萬隻
‎我說

259
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,512
‎“我不喜歡螃蟹，覺得很噁

260
00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:03,264
‎還一次看到這麼多隻

261
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,058
‎我受不了，牠們很可怕”

262
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,226
‎我對某人說

263
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,769
‎“螃蟹太多了”

264
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,813
‎他說：“現在是螃蟹季”，我說

265
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:17,611
‎“但別到我房裡，在外面沒關係”
‎他說：“但牠們很瘋狂”

266
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,113
‎我說：“那不是答案”

267
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,490
‎“這個…你懂我的要求吧？”

268
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:26,370
‎“我不要牠們在這裡出現
‎我很怕牠們，因為我是小孬孬

269
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:31,459
‎牠們又很噁，還橫著走，看了很煩

270
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,295
‎什麼？

271
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,965
‎看著牠時，他們會…

272
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,260
‎站起來，然後…

273
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:42,678
‎切肉排，切肉丁！

274
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,389
‎殺氣騰騰，根本不怕你

275
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,308
‎等於是公關手腕很強的蜘蛛

276
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:51,437
‎我不懂怎麼有人喜歡螃蟹
‎牠們還會敲窗戶

277
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,689
‎牠們都…牠們腦子有問題

278
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:58,986
‎那傢伙說：“對啊”，我就回
‎“屋裡不能超過一百隻”

279
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:02,782
‎就連我在二樓的房間

280
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,325
‎牠們也守在裡面

281
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:08,412
‎我上床時起碼有七隻，我要上床時

282
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:12,333
‎那傢伙說：“牠們不會爬上你的床”
‎我說：“這個嘛

283
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:15,336
‎他們爬了18公尺到我房間”

284
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,799
‎我的席伊麗美姿床墊應該不是阻礙

285
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,010
‎因為燈開著

286
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:24,595
‎所以我這樣睡…

287
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:26,514
‎牠們會…

288
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,141
‎我眼睛一睜開，牠們就…

289
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:31,811
‎然後我就…

290
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,565
‎這是《魷魚遊戲》，紅燈、綠燈

291
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,691
‎人家不喜歡

292
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,902
‎牠們怎麼有辦法先看到？

293
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,906
‎我問：“牠們怎麼進我房間的？

294
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,866
‎我的門縫這個高

295
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,453
‎牠們根本不必彎腰
‎可以大喊：“美食節，嘿…”

296
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,123
‎大搖大擺進來，毫不在乎

297
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,836
‎而我拼命醒對這人解釋

298
00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,548
‎我不喜歡牠們從天花板掉到我身上
‎真有這件事

299
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:04,844
‎他說：“這個嘛…”，我接著說…
‎我看著樓梯

300
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,930
‎有條毛尾巴往樓上走，我問…

301
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,602
‎“有看到那條尾巴往我房間跑？”
‎他說：“這…”

302
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,356
‎“也許是霉洲豹”

303
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:23,863
‎對不起

304
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,239
‎我沒聽到

305
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:29,201
‎他說：“霉洲豹”

306
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,160
‎我問

307
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:35,082
‎“你想說的是美洲豹吧？”

308
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,584
‎他回：“對”

309
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:39,003
‎你的語氣不開心

310
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,381
‎你該說：“對，沒錯，是美洲豹！”

311
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,884
‎“你可能會死掉”，但他說：“沒錯”

312
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:48,053
‎但他告訴我好消息：“但是

313
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,680
‎數量不多”

314
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,059
‎好

315
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,354
‎我聽說一隻就會造成騷動，但沒關係

316
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,232
‎我又看一眼，那條尾巴下樓了
‎我就…

317
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,526
‎他說：“搞錯了，那是狐猴”

318
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,487
‎我說：“是狐猴，謝天謝地”

319
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,032
‎不知道是什麼，但鐵定比較安全

320
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,451
‎我說：“狐猴”，然後看到牠們

321
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,828
‎牠們戴著眼鏡，想這樣進去…

322
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,041
‎牠們再打摩斯密碼給夥伴

323
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:20,002
‎牠們說：“半夜再殺他”
‎牠們聚在一起

324
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,297
‎那隻狐猴出現，我說：“好可愛”

325
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:26,091
‎牠說：“沒錯”，然後拎起三隻螃蟹
‎送進…

326
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:27,760
‎我的媽呀！

327
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,971
‎牠說：“下個換你，你住樓上”
‎我說：“你太強了吧？”

328
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,644
‎那個男人說：“我該走了”

329
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,479
‎現在是狐猴季嗎？發生什麼事？

330
00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:40,773
‎他離開後
‎我去錄《鑽石求千金之天堂版》

331
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,234
‎那個節目根本就是車震馬拉松
‎你們都知道，所以點頭

332
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,862
‎我的天哪，隨便啦

333
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,742
‎不說這個了，我的好媽媽

334
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:52,743
‎我媽

335
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:55,245
‎我回家過聖誕，她很貼心

336
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,791
‎我們拍了晚餐照，上傳到臉書

337
00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,167
‎把所有人都拍很模糊

338
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,713
‎她就是這樣，拿到五個讚
‎她感到很振奮

339
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,259
‎她有一隻可愛的狗叫史酷比

340
00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,388
‎她有

341
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:17,559
‎一隻狗叫史酷比
‎史酷比是可愛的臘腸狗…

342
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,604
‎很瘦，有隻耳朵豎起來…

343
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,524
‎但史酷比變超級肥

344
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,859
‎牠以前像年輕的白蘭度

345
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,778
‎史酷比當時

346
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:31,490
‎現在像是《教父第十集》的白蘭度…

347
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:34,410
‎狗點心讓她發福，牠的叫聲像…

348
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,621
‎豬在吠，大家懂吧？

349
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,082
‎以前是…現在是…

350
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,752
‎我問：“你是在叫嗎？還是咳嗽？”

351
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:44,670
‎所以…

352
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,091
‎她出門時很愧疚，所以他整天都在吃

353
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,343
‎她還有個東西叫菲比小精靈

354
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,429
‎丟到牆壁會這樣…

355
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,098
‎他去好市多時，牠會有更多食物

356
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,976
‎牠就會…

357
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,436
‎耳朵就…

358
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:02,896
‎牠心想：“有鬼嗎？”

359
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,274
‎牠不害怕，而是…

360
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,568
‎“待會再煩惱超自然活動”

361
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,153
‎我先來吃這個狗點心

362
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:10,362
‎牠就會…

363
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,615
‎像在戰鬥營的有刺鐵絲網下爬行

364
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,368
‎到達目的地後，就會…

365
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:20,581
‎“我這一生

366
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,000
‎都在幹嘛？

367
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,294
‎吃個不停”

368
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:30,591
‎“我的人生就是猛吃又暴肥的無限循”

369
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:31,759
‎“我會吃掉它”

370
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,802
‎“我想到就說了，但…”

371
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,306
‎回到沙發上

372
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,974
‎後來我回家時

373
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,060
‎我說：“史酷比！”

374
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,352
‎史酷比會這樣

375
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,271
‎“過來”

376
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,733
‎我說：“你吃屎啦！
‎史酷比，快來門口

377
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:50,069
‎“我是人類”，牠會說

378
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,862
‎“坐到史酷這裡！過來”

379
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:53,363
‎“快來”

380
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,157
‎“陪史酷比坐一下”

381
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:56,992
‎想得美

382
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,871
‎我不該這樣罵狗，但你們懂的

383
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,206
‎你們知道事情發展

384
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,836
‎史酷比…我不會聊這件事

385
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,213
‎但我會聊聊

386
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,756
‎我的脖子讓我很困擾

387
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,549
‎所以我找人按摩

388
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,677
‎我試著在高級飯店

389
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,096
‎找職業按摩師

390
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:20,140
‎我打電話找女按摩師

391
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,268
‎我不想被看成變態
‎但我說：“幫我找個女按摩師好嗎？”

392
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:24,770
‎我向來都這樣做，找女生來

393
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,563
‎我才顯得比較陽剛

394
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:32,402
‎他們說：“沒問題”

395
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,863
‎但到了五點鐘，我覺得…

396
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:35,781
‎後來我聽到

397
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:38,158
‎我的老天鵝

398
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,076
‎我走過去

399
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,744
‎偷看一下

400
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,997
‎來了一位195公分的杜夫朗格

401
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,417
‎站在外頭，我心想：“慘了”

402
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,460
‎我說

403
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,964
‎“抱歉，你在找類固醇機嗎？”
‎他說

404
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,550
‎“我是按摩師”

405
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:57,094
‎我説：“不，不是我找的”

406
00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:59,888
‎“我指名要女生”
‎他回：“女按摩師都沒空”

407
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,348
‎“只剩我這隻泰迪熊”

408
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,307
‎我心想

409
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:03,600
‎“我不知道為什麼”

410
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,769
‎“我不喜歡，我不要”

411
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,064
‎他說：“不，相信我”

412
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,816
‎“我看似高大勇猛”

413
00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:13,193
‎“但我是泰迪熊，反正你錢都付了”

414
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,445
‎我說：“好吧，請進”，他說…

415
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:18,824
‎誰叫我愛貪小便宜？

416
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,577
‎他進來後，我說：“試試看吧”

417
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,746
‎他把我像布娃娃一樣拎起來
‎丟到桌上

418
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,416
‎我說：“先生，我可以自己上按摩桌”

419
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,129
‎讓我聽起來像個孬種

420
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,255
‎所以我就…

421
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,384
‎然後又…千辛萬苦地爬上按摩桌

422
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,095
‎我想：“想不到這麼高”

423
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,013
‎然後…

424
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,932
‎我把臉埋在洞裡，他說

425
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,602
‎“有什麼指示盡量說

426
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:50,022
‎因為我是…”
‎我說：“我知道，泰迪熊，快按吧”

427
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:53,483
‎因為我在按摩時絕不抱怨

428
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,444
‎他就這樣…

429
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:57,905
‎我的臉就…

430
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,783
‎於是他猛壓我的脖子，我就…

431
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,995
‎我就說：“輕一點”，他就…

432
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,544
‎你不能叫我閉嘴

433
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,670
‎我是客人耶

434
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,131
‎然後他又…

435
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:18,717
‎我就…

436
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:20,844
‎無止盡循環

437
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,597
‎一整個小時，我痛苦難當

438
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,058
‎我痛得要死，一點都不開心

439
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,435
‎中途我鼓起勇氣說

440
00:20:28,518 --> 00:20:30,229
‎“力道減10%吧”

441
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,190
‎我超孬的，被他要求閉嘴

442
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:38,070
‎我乖乖躺著，然後起身給他小費
‎我有病

443
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:39,488
‎我真有病

444
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,114
‎給小費

445
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:42,741
‎最差的經驗

446
00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:43,784
‎還給小費

447
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:46,912
‎我說：“大哥”，然後道歉

448
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:50,707
‎“抱歉，我不是有意…只是感覺奇怪”

449
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:55,462
‎“你是男的
‎我不喜歡感覺背上有手毛

450
00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:58,715
‎或是肋骨被硬屌抵著”

451
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:00,717
‎“我很傳統”

452
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,888
‎我朋友建議：“如果你脖子痛

453
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:07,849
‎去洛杉磯絲蘭街的大麻店”

454
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,268
‎各位聽聽就好

455
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:12,437
‎那裏是好萊塢最淫穢粗俗的街道

456
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,232
‎超噁心，隨時都有人被殺

457
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:16,233
‎我從來不去

458
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:18,568
‎我不去那裡的便利商店
‎然後他們就…

459
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,154
‎我必須停車，主動地…

460
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,991
‎去全美治安最糟的街道上的商店

461
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,868
‎只要有槍戰
‎警察就會說：“是絲蘭街”

462
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,787
‎他們會互傳簡訊

463
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,497
‎“絲蘭”，聳肩表情符號

464
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,083
‎玩具水槍，嘿

465
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:34,918
‎所以…

466
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:36,878
‎我去了，那裏不像…

467
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:38,588
‎蘋果乾淨的

468
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:40,257
‎iPhone商店

469
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,342
‎不像，倒像末日之戰

470
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:43,927
‎之後…

471
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,055
‎我主動去這間乞丐窩

472
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,266
‎我說：“你好”，有個傢伙就…

473
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,852
‎我說：“你好，我要買大麻電子菸”

474
00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:52,769
‎他就…

475
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,439
‎我問：“你是員工嗎？”他就…

476
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,525
‎“我有焦慮症”

477
00:21:58,608 --> 00:21:59,443
‎我說

478
00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:03,280
‎“不關我事，抱歉，但是…”

479
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,949
‎他說：“我的工作好辛苦”

480
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:07,576
‎我說

481
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,245
‎“我討厭這輩子做過的所有工作”

482
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:13,332
‎我受不了厭世的年輕人
‎我說：“帥哥”

483
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:14,958
‎“告訴你一個壞消息”

484
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,712
‎“我生下來就有焦慮症”

485
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,381
‎“未來不會更輕鬆，會一路爛到掛”

486
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:24,051
‎“你要是辭職，失業會讓你焦慮”

487
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,011
‎“聽我的話，撐下去”

488
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,805
‎“你以為我喜歡
‎當餐廳洗碗工或雜工嗎？撐下去”

489
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:30,891
‎他大喊：“壓力山大！”

490
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,730
‎這時老闆走出來
‎“史派德先生，你好”

491
00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:38,565
‎他有點微醺

492
00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:39,816
‎“吉米，我來招待就好”

493
00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,276
‎“我來招待你，大哥”

494
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,362
‎“招呼一下史派德先生”

495
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:47,282
‎拿一塊芬太尼蟹餅，然後給他

496
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:48,658
‎一點…

497
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,827
‎搖腳丸玉米糖

498
00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:52,996
‎我說：“不用了，謝謝”

499
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:55,415
‎他說：“至少吃塊甘貝熊”

500
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,834
‎“我請客”，我就這樣

501
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,753
‎他大喊：“別全吃光”，我說…

502
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,465
‎“這東西不能全吃光？”

503
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:05,300
‎“先吃耳朵就好”，我說

504
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,970
‎“誰理你！才2.5公分的食物！
‎我要全吃”

505
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,557
‎我只能吃耳朵？才這麼大耶

506
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,103
‎他說：“你會茫到趴”，我說：“這…”

507
00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:19,689
‎“我又不懂，你給我餅乾
‎我就全吃掉”

508
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,275
‎“別叫我一次只能吃一塊麵包屑”

509
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:23,985
‎“應該每塊單獨放一袋”

510
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,154
‎“一袋是一份，那我就懂了”

511
00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:30,742
‎我不喜歡這樣
‎我喝伏特加汽水是兩杯倒

512
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,161
‎三杯就太多，但我懂得拿捏

513
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,788
‎我完全搞不懂狀況

514
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,998
‎我不能吃2.5公分？“，“最好不要”

515
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,627
‎芬太尼蟹餅

516
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:43,130
‎芬太尼是世上最可怕的毒品

517
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:44,256
‎你們很懂，它…

518
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:46,633
‎我看過報告，它比海洛因強一百倍

519
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,262
‎你說什麼？

520
00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:52,889
‎不是三倍或四倍

521
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,683
‎是一百倍

522
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:56,435
‎美國

523
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:59,688
‎我們要多墮落才甘願？

524
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,982
‎我的老天鵝啊！

525
00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:06,695
‎海洛因怎麼成了孬種專用的毒品？
‎老實說，怎麼會這樣？

526
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:10,949
‎“你還在吸海洛因？”
‎“沒有，芬太尼藥頭來我就不吸了”

527
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:12,701
‎不，海洛因就像助眠藥

528
00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:13,952
‎沒啦，放鬆一下而已

529
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:15,370
‎我是想放鬆才吸

530
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:20,584
‎天哪

531
00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:25,213
‎有人給我毒品過，真希望大家誠實點

532
00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:27,966
‎別人給我毒品時，如果我不要吸

533
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:31,720
‎我也裝得很酷的樣子，但我不會明說

534
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,138
‎我真是魯蛇

535
00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:34,723
‎有人給過我海洛因

536
00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:35,724
‎我從沒見過

537
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:37,392
‎這傢伙說：“史派德”
‎我問：“什麼事？”

538
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,561
‎他們說：“要吸海洛因嗎？我說…

539
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:42,481
‎不用了

540
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:44,983
‎我是怎麼了？幹嘛呆住？

541
00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:46,443
‎我在幹嘛？

542
00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:47,944
‎我幹嘛掙扎？

543
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:50,697
‎我不吸，但我必須裝酷

544
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:51,656
‎我就…

545
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,867
‎可惜我剛剛吃過了

546
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,535
‎天哪

547
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:56,703
‎現在幾點？

548
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:58,955
‎幹！

549
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,665
‎這批看起來很純

550
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:03,376
‎這批？

551
00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:05,754
‎天哪，看起來很大塊

552
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:08,924
‎品質越來越好

553
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:12,552
‎天哪，有人會茫到趴

554
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:15,096
‎我不知道自己在說什麼，這樣吧

555
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,516
‎待會再找我？半小時候再問我

556
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:19,392
‎發誓你一定會再來找我？

557
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:20,685
‎我就說：“很好”

558
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,897
‎然後跑回車上暴哭

559
00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,900
‎老實說，要是看到海洛因

560
00:25:26,983 --> 00:25:30,403
‎我就想跳到凳子上大喊
‎“有老鼠”，但…

561
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:33,323
‎我…

562
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,409
‎我很帥？謝謝

563
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,702
‎你有說嗎？

564
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:38,870
‎還是我在幻想？

565
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:41,915
‎真好笑，因為…

566
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:43,833
‎我的體重一直維持在64公斤

567
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:46,378
‎體重這個話題很有趣，因為男生…

568
00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:48,213
‎女生覺得很有壓力

569
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:51,007
‎男生不會，只會想保持身形

570
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,761
‎我記得上次量體重時是30歲

571
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,972
‎當時我重64公斤

572
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,974
‎之後，我這輩子

573
00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:00,517
‎都說我的體重是64公斤

574
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,228
‎我從沒再量過，從沒在看過

575
00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,605
‎“你體重多少？”，“64公斤”

576
00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:11,736
‎但體重會浮動，我微微發福了

577
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:14,573
‎害我自討苦吃，因為…

578
00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:17,951
‎之前我在拍電影，拍電影前必須…

579
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,870
‎做體檢，才能保險

580
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:22,664
‎爆些好萊塢內幕給你們知道

581
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:24,499
‎每部電影都要這麼做

582
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:28,920
‎我們拍《亞當等大人》時
‎我必須做體檢

583
00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:31,172
‎各位也許看過《亞當等大人》

584
00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:34,551
‎這部電影讓TBS多撐了五年

585
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:36,720
‎相信大家都看過

586
00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:38,346
‎它就像《發條橘子》

587
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:41,349
‎所以…

588
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,185
‎我接到醫生打來的電話…

589
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:47,022
‎但過程…過程很簡短

590
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,232
‎感覺像虛晃一招，所以我不想去

591
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:50,358
‎結果吃了大虧

592
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:53,445
‎醫生打給我，他說：“來做體檢”

593
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,281
‎“不能在電話中做嗎？”，他說…

594
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:57,240
‎大哥…

595
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:58,825
‎在電話中做體檢？

596
00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:00,493
‎你在娛樂新聞台看過我

597
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,829
‎我在電視上活碰亂跳，身體很好

598
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,290
‎他說：“希望你到診所來”

599
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,001
‎我說：“亞當會氣噗噗”

600
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:13,006
‎我每次都打出山德勒這張牌

601
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:15,800
‎讓他們嚇得屁滾尿流失了魂

602
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:18,136
‎但他說：“過來就對了”

603
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,805
‎其實我常用這招
‎到連鎖墨西哥速食店也一樣

604
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,641
‎你們今天沒有肉絲玉米餅？

605
00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:24,976
‎亞當會氣噗噗

606
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:31,066
‎現在有了嗎？

607
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,902
‎他問：“亞當是誰？”
‎所以有時不管用

608
00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:35,362
‎但…

609
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:38,698
‎於是我去診所，他幫我量血壓之類的

610
00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:39,949
‎“你體重多少？”

611
00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:41,618
‎“64公斤”，他問：“64公斤？”

612
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:44,871
‎“你想騙誰啊？”，我說…

613
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,626
‎“先生，我64公斤，寫下來就對了”
‎他說…

614
00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:51,920
‎“站到體重計上

615
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,381
‎我會逼你說實話”

616
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:58,885
‎我剛剛是開玩笑
‎但亞當真的會氣撲撲

617
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:01,638
‎他說：“我就賭賭看…”

618
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:08,395
‎我站上一台老式體重計

619
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:10,939
‎上面有兩支秤棒和一些煤炭磚

620
00:28:11,439 --> 00:28:14,067
‎黑色的煤炭磚，每個23公斤

621
00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:17,696
‎我先放上45公斤

622
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,864
‎然後依序放上0.45公斤

623
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:22,450
‎我再放上20公斤

624
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:25,662
‎我是66公斤，你會說我是條肥牛

625
00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:26,996
‎但我有點害怕

626
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,374
‎你在說什麼？我就這樣…

627
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:34,087
‎因為我站上體重計時
‎手臂舉高，眼睛睜大

628
00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:35,630
‎腦中想著羽毛

629
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,716
‎因為我希望體重輕一點

630
00:28:39,050 --> 00:28:41,428
‎沒人量體重時會…

631
00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:44,639
‎我就像亞莉安娜

632
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:45,682
‎所以…

633
00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:47,392
‎我這樣做，體重計就…

634
00:28:48,935 --> 00:28:51,771
‎診所裡所有人都…我就說：“沒事啦”

635
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:53,815
‎我變重了一點，所以…

636
00:28:54,482 --> 00:28:56,776
‎我驚慌起來，汗如雨下

637
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:59,738
‎他就說：“再量一次”，我就…

638
00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:01,531
‎好，要量就量

639
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:04,826
‎我放上

640
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:07,620
‎68公斤，又放上0.45公斤，然後…

641
00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:09,956
‎我一個都沒放上去，我就說

642
00:29:10,832 --> 00:29:14,627
‎“將近68公斤，媽的，完了”
‎然後我又想：“天哪”

643
00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:17,964
‎等我一下，鞋子脫掉

644
00:29:18,506 --> 00:29:20,467
‎襪子脫掉

645
00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:23,344
‎褲子脫掉

646
00:29:24,512 --> 00:29:27,265
‎皮夾、手錶、噴髮膠

647
00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:28,725
‎寫下來，好了

648
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,395
‎體重計就…有個傢伙走過來

649
00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:35,607
‎我露出很丟點了表情

650
00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:42,947
‎到底是怎麼回事？

651
00:29:44,532 --> 00:29:45,867
‎你痙攣了嗎？

652
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,705
‎動了，停下來

653
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,875
‎75公斤

654
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,341
‎75公斤，我大叫…

655
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:06,095
‎“我不可能平白重了11公斤

656
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,766
‎我根本不知道自己重在哪裡”

657
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:11,601
‎他就說

658
00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:13,853
‎“亞當會氣噗噗”

659
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:23,863
‎這是我的惡夢

660
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:25,824
‎後來我對一個女生說

661
00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:27,158
‎“妳知道嗎？我身體某處

662
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:30,620
‎有11公斤的肥肉滾來滾去

663
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,997
‎但我根本不知道在哪裡？”

664
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:37,168
‎她回我：“我也是
‎我的奶子先重了4.5公斤”

665
00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:41,798
‎妳拿什麼假問題跟我的來比？

666
00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:45,885
‎我的雞雞和蛋蛋要是重了4.5公斤

667
00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:47,554
‎妳覺得老子會擔心爆哭嗎？

668
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:50,765
‎人家雞雞好大，我吃很多

669
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,142
‎蛋蛋大到整天要穿運動褲

670
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,019
‎不會，我會去必勝客

671
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,021
‎還把我所有認識的人

672
00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:58,231
‎都帶去

673
00:30:59,107 --> 00:30:59,941
‎吃到撐為止

674
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:05,655
‎我真正的醫師說
‎“你要過來做結腸鏡檢查”

675
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:07,574
‎我回：“我不愛拍照”

676
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,703
‎不上相，他說

677
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:14,247
‎“如果你不想來，可以做一件事”

678
00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:15,915
‎“你願意的話

679
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:17,625
‎那你就

680
00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:21,504
‎排便在盒子裡，寄到實驗室

681
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:22,839
‎他們會做檢查”

682
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,174
‎“要是沒得癌症，那就不必來了”

683
00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:27,677
‎我願意這樣做，就這麼辦，所以我…

684
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:29,971
‎拉屎在盒子裡

685
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:33,308
‎寄到實驗室

686
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:35,977
‎他們馬上退給我，還說

687
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,271
‎“拜託別寄這種東西來”

688
00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:41,190
‎“你被醫生惡搞了”

689
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:47,447
‎“從糞便完全無法檢驗出

690
00:31:47,530 --> 00:31:49,407
‎你有沒有癌症，你是白癡嗎？”

691
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,495
‎“我十年前和他談戀愛時
‎就說過這不好玩”

692
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:56,205
‎別再寄了

693
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:02,045
‎他問：“你寄了？”

694
00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:04,297
‎我說：“寄了”，他回：“爽啦！”

695
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,299
‎“我討厭她”

696
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,844
‎關我什麼事？把我扯進來幹嘛？

697
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:19,646
‎今晚我在本地的一家高級餐廳吃飯

698
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,563
‎沒錯

699
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:23,399
‎好美的小鎮

700
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,446
‎其實，女服務生有點多話

701
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:29,656
‎這沒關係

702
00:32:29,739 --> 00:32:32,492
‎但大多言不及義
‎畢竟我們才走3公尺

703
00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:35,078
‎“史派德先生
‎你的蒞臨讓小店蓬蓽生輝”

704
00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:36,663
‎“這禮拜過得好嗎？”

705
00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:39,040
‎我說：“我做了體檢”，“這是你的菜”

706
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:50,760
‎你一定很健康

707
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,595
‎不必擔心

708
00:32:53,429 --> 00:32:55,515
‎我會做電腦斷層掃描
‎再寄副本給所有女服務生

709
00:32:55,598 --> 00:32:56,599
‎你一定很…

710
00:32:58,017 --> 00:32:59,394
‎她根本不在乎

711
00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:04,065
‎有時我去高級餐廳用餐

712
00:33:04,857 --> 00:33:09,445
‎魚類料理會收時價，看過吧？
‎菜單不註明多少錢

713
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,532
‎可能服務生要看你多久前，因為我問

714
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,784
‎“鮪魚多少錢？”，他就…

715
00:33:17,453 --> 00:33:19,706
‎鮪魚嘛…

716
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,585
‎70塊

717
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,005
‎我說：“70塊？”，他又說：“40塊”

718
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:29,674
‎不算貴

719
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:31,801
‎他應該有戴耳機

720
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:33,803
‎“他穿什麼？降價吧”

721
00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:37,598
‎“他穿牛仔衫？降價吧”

722
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:45,773
‎但有時如果他們臭屁，我會蠢到

723
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:46,774
‎把蝦子這個字說錯

724
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,609
‎看看他們會不會糾正我

725
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,194
‎我常做

726
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:51,738
‎這種蠢事

727
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:55,199
‎我會說：“你們有沒有蝦子‘們’？”

728
00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,201
‎他會說…

729
00:33:59,162 --> 00:33:59,996
‎“有”

730
00:34:00,538 --> 00:34:02,498
‎“我們的確有‘蝦子’”

731
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:06,294
‎但他必須服務我，所以不能糾正我

732
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:09,672
‎我會說：“是嗎？太好了”

733
00:34:10,173 --> 00:34:12,717
‎“有沒有五隻蝦子‘們’？”

734
00:34:15,928 --> 00:34:19,599
‎“有，有辦法給您五隻蝦子”

735
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:25,813
‎“十隻蝦子無法排成一圈”

736
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:27,315
‎“做成鮮蝦‘們’盅”

737
00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:29,734
‎“歷史上從沒有

738
00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:31,402
‎鮮蝦‘們’盅”這種說法”

739
00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:36,282
‎“今天有什麼魚‘們’？
‎說真的，有沒有鰻魚？”

740
00:34:37,366 --> 00:34:38,868
‎我喜歡去麥當勞

741
00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:41,287
‎我會問
‎“今天的麥香魚‘排’是什麼？”

742
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:44,290
‎昨天好像是歐洲鱸魚

743
00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:46,709
‎好像啦

744
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:49,921
‎好蠢

745
00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:50,838
‎但那時

746
00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:54,258
‎我手機快沒電了，所以我…

747
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:57,887
‎我想充電，“我可以幫你充電”

748
00:34:57,970 --> 00:34:58,846
‎我心想…

749
00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:02,308
‎“把手機給我吧”

750
00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:03,226
‎我心想…

751
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,439
‎太可怕了

752
00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:12,068
‎她說：“不會離你太遠”，我心想

753
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:13,945
‎“在我看不到的地方嗎？”

754
00:35:15,029 --> 00:35:16,114
‎我絕不交出來

755
00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:17,698
‎原來艾歷克鮑德溫的感覺是這樣

756
00:35:17,782 --> 00:35:18,699
‎我懂了

757
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,329
‎我絕不交出手機，裡面太多秘密

758
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,998
‎他們拿他的手機只想找個東西

759
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:27,375
‎簡訊

760
00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:29,669
‎我要在他的槍裡裝真的子彈

761
00:35:29,752 --> 00:35:31,546
‎那不然…

762
00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:33,673
‎你們想找什麼？

763
00:35:33,756 --> 00:35:37,009
‎我不要女服務生瀏覽我的相簿

764
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,137
‎結果看到被淘汰的

765
00:35:39,220 --> 00:35:40,721
‎五百張屌照

766
00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:43,141
‎被淘汰的屌照

767
00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,726
‎告訴各位壞消息，我的屌照不好看

768
00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:49,147
‎什麼？你得…

769
00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:51,649
‎那是新世界的通行證

770
00:35:52,191 --> 00:35:54,569
‎以前給屌照

771
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,362
‎都是最後才給

772
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:57,405
‎現在要先給

773
00:35:57,488 --> 00:35:59,949
‎這是我的屌照，有興趣的話…

774
00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:04,412
‎喜歡嗎？見面喝杯咖啡吧？

775
00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:05,872
‎我們可以吸毒或…

776
00:36:06,622 --> 00:36:07,999
‎目前都還不錯

777
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:12,545
‎我是老古董，以前都是畫屌圖

778
00:36:12,628 --> 00:36:14,547
‎懂吧？那時還沒有相機

779
00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:16,883
‎畫上陰影

780
00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:21,220
‎但其實，我問我朋友

781
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,097
‎“你有拍屌照嗎？還是r…”

782
00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:25,600
‎他說：“有啊”，我問：“你有？”

783
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:29,770
‎給我看一張，但別覺得彆扭
‎我想看看是什麼樣子

784
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:32,148
‎他拿給我看，雞雞是這樣

785
00:36:32,231 --> 00:36:34,233
‎“你連弄硬都不想？”

786
00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:38,487
‎“她知道如果她喜歡，我會傳…”

787
00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:41,073
‎大哥，你搞錯了啦

788
00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:43,534
‎這和痞子阿姆一樣，機會只有一次

789
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:44,744
‎再來就出局！

790
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,454
‎沒人在找潛力股

791
00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:48,039
‎你在說什麼啊？

792
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:51,042
‎後來我問一個女生

793
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:52,960
‎“妳收過嗎？”，“超可怕的”

794
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:56,047
‎我問：“我得拍一張，我該怎麼做？”
‎她說

795
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:57,840
‎“是有一張”

796
00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:00,051
‎“好，妳喜歡那張是什麼樣子？”

797
00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:02,929
‎“他側躺，東西從腿中間伸過來

798
00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:05,264
‎他捏住那裏，用手肘撐著”

799
00:37:06,724 --> 00:37:08,809
‎還要找兄弟幫忙？

800
00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:13,564
‎超可怕，看電影前快點拍一下

801
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,942
‎全身脫光光

802
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:18,027
‎別覺得彆扭，我要躺下

803
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:19,695
‎我要拍兩下

804
00:37:19,779 --> 00:37:22,240
‎拿起浮標，塞進抽屜

805
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:25,701
‎擠出幾滴電漿，聽我說

806
00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:28,496
‎我要捏住，數到三，你就按快門

807
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:31,749
‎拿我的相機，你會拍太多張

808
00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:33,292
‎我待會再刪掉

809
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:34,877
‎盡量拍

810
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:36,212
‎好，一，二，三

811
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:38,631
‎捏…快拍…現在…

812
00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,303
‎比幫我搬家還累

813
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:46,264
‎我試過

814
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:48,266
‎“我要在我家拍”

815
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,142
‎燈光超爛，我什麼都不懂

816
00:37:50,226 --> 00:37:52,270
‎我心想：“在廚房拍”

817
00:37:55,481 --> 00:37:56,607
‎裸體

818
00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:00,945
‎超可怕的白熾燈，爛透了

819
00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:03,864
‎到後院用無人機拍

820
00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:09,620
‎本來硬梆梆，後來軟趴趴，很像日晷

821
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:12,748
‎我還拍了我的菊花

822
00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:14,458
‎我的屌還根本沒入鏡

823
00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:16,752
‎但我在嘗試新體驗

824
00:38:17,253 --> 00:38:18,421
‎在做腦力激盪

825
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:20,464
‎只有球球入鏡

826
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:24,760
‎這是利基市場

827
00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:28,306
‎別躺在沙發上

828
00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:30,766
‎只會拍到鳥巢照，非常…

829
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:34,020
‎不誘人

830
00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,482
‎很多人會退追蹤，幾個人會封鎖你

831
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,151
‎兩個人會舉報你

832
00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:48,951
‎我想多看看色情片

833
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:50,786
‎好艱難的任務，我…

834
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:53,289
‎我有好消息要宣布

835
00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:56,292
‎我在大學時的確搞過三人行

836
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,213
‎大學時的三人行…

837
00:39:02,548 --> 00:39:03,549
‎不是很愉快

838
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:07,219
‎有我、我朋友和另一個男生
‎過程是這樣的

839
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:08,596
‎過程…

840
00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:10,264
‎聽我說啦

841
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:14,060
‎我們本來計畫第三個要找女生

842
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:15,895
‎一切都安排妥當

843
00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:18,397
‎她臨時放我們鴿子

844
00:39:18,481 --> 00:39:21,108
‎我說：“把他抓過來，把過程跑完”

845
00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:24,153
‎“射完了事，看看玩不玩得起來”

846
00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:25,071
‎我是說

847
00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:26,947
‎大家來塞洞

848
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,700
‎現在看來，的確同志味有點重

849
00:39:30,242 --> 00:39:33,371
‎當時沒想太多，但確實如此

850
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:35,289
‎當時感覺還不錯，但之後

851
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:37,541
‎十年後我又玩了三人行

852
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:40,961
‎感覺很古怪
‎有我、一個男生和一個女生

853
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,839
‎我們在飯店準備炒飯，大家在喝酒

854
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,966
‎有人提議：“來玩三人行吧”

855
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:48,469
‎沒人知道那是什麼意思

856
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:50,388
‎我拿了一杯酒，之後

857
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:54,308
‎他們玩起來，然後他走開
‎就說：“換你了”

858
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:55,309
‎我就…

859
00:39:57,978 --> 00:40:00,189
‎感覺好像吃剩菜

860
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:01,941
‎我瘋了嗎？

861
00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:04,568
‎是對方邀請我的

862
00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:08,906
‎我應該有法律追訴權

863
00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:11,450
‎律師應該針對這個拍個廣告

864
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:12,910
‎其他什麼事都能拍成廣告

865
00:40:12,993 --> 00:40:16,288
‎有沒有人邀你玩三人行
‎你卻感覺像吃剩菜？

866
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,374
‎我有過

867
00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:22,002
‎也許你有資格要求賠償

868
00:40:24,630 --> 00:40:27,216
‎這是我的間皮瘤客戶，我們…

869
00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:33,264
‎但我試著看色情片

870
00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:35,516
‎上過色情片網站嗎？“觀賞這一支”

871
00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:37,309
‎“我看不下去了”

872
00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:39,687
‎我看了五億支影片

873
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:41,439
‎“再看一下也無妨”

874
00:40:42,314 --> 00:40:44,650
‎我不想三天三夜都看色情片

875
00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,360
‎我只想快速解決

876
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:49,447
‎所以我輸入“打手槍影片”
‎這個最簡單

877
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:50,406
‎只要有感覺就好

878
00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:56,203
‎出現搜尋結果，但下面寫著
‎“其他你可能喜歡的影片”

879
00:40:58,747 --> 00:40:59,832
‎有沒有看過

880
00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:02,543
‎其他你可能喜歡的影片？

881
00:41:03,752 --> 00:41:06,755
‎第一支，青少年在電梯被輪

882
00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:10,551
‎我會喜歡？對，你會喜歡

883
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,470
‎不對，我要打手槍

884
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,555
‎口味沒這麼重

885
00:41:15,264 --> 00:41:17,558
‎我們針對你跑過分析

886
00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:19,477
‎沒有，我只打了五個字

887
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,562
‎你的心靈超黑暗

888
00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:23,939
‎是嗎？打手槍

889
00:41:25,816 --> 00:41:27,985
‎你現在不看，一週後也會看

890
00:41:28,068 --> 00:41:30,529
‎你要哪一種？我回：“現在看”

891
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:35,701
‎網站比我的治療師還懂我
‎但我的確覺得…

892
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:37,912
‎他們都有大鵰

893
00:41:37,995 --> 00:41:40,247
‎要是我有色情片級的大鵰就好了

894
00:41:40,831 --> 00:41:41,707
‎後來…

895
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:46,462
‎後來我就想：“這樣好嗎？”
‎這是不可能的事

896
00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:49,423
‎要是我能找到魔法神燈…

897
00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,091
‎更需要實現的願望有很多

898
00:41:51,175 --> 00:41:52,676
‎假設精靈現身了

899
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,970
‎他說：“你能得到一個願望”

900
00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:56,722
‎等等，我做不到

901
00:41:56,805 --> 00:41:58,224
‎你們懂吧？因為…

902
00:41:58,307 --> 00:41:59,266
‎這樣太自私

903
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:02,895
‎世上有這麼多問題需要解決

904
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,898
‎我做不到，如果我能有十個願望

905
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,153
‎也許我會最後再說

906
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:13,822
‎等到精靈注意力渙散

907
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:17,368
‎我會實現所有善良的願望
‎最後在解決我的鳥事

908
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:20,162
‎如果是五個願望，那就麻煩了

909
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:24,333
‎別逼我想，因為…

910
00:42:24,833 --> 00:42:26,585
‎我覺得會是第五個

911
00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:28,212
‎我知道

912
00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:33,759
‎我會解決一些問題
‎不過有時莊家才是贏家

913
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,595
‎在賭城就是這樣

914
00:42:38,180 --> 00:42:39,098
‎可惡

915
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:45,104
‎有次我在用舊筆電
‎聽過“騙點擊率”吧？都聽過

916
00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:49,441
‎騙點擊率是…告訴各位
‎我在納什維爾做過一個節目

917
00:42:49,525 --> 00:42:51,735
‎後面有人癲癇發作

918
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:55,155
‎工作人員抬他出去，隔天在雅虎

919
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:58,742
‎新聞寫著：“大衛史派德
‎因為癲癇發作停止錄影”

920
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:01,036
‎這是騙點擊率的標題

921
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,164
‎讀者不知道什麼意思
‎那是騙你點擊的手法

922
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:07,209
‎通常你點擊之後，會陷入無盡的蟲洞

923
00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,712
‎出現一堆視窗，這是騙術

924
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:12,131
‎這比其他文章好多了

925
00:43:12,214 --> 00:43:13,132
‎結果我耍白癡

926
00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:16,719
‎我明知道這種手法
‎我在看卡蒂B的新聞

927
00:43:16,802 --> 00:43:20,055
‎明尼蘇達的天氣
‎然後有個文章說湯姆布雷迪

928
00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,765
‎不吃什麼蔬菜？

929
00:43:26,895 --> 00:43:28,147
‎什麼？

930
00:43:28,772 --> 00:43:30,149
‎超蠢的，誰在乎啊？

931
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,654
‎到底是什麼，椰子嗎？

932
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,617
‎超蠢的，然後我往下看

933
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:43,162
‎但全都變得很模糊，因為我無法專心

934
00:43:43,245 --> 00:43:45,664
‎我一心思考是什麼，他們騙到我了

935
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:49,627
‎所以我回到原來的文章，點了進去
‎這下好了吧？

936
00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,671
‎第一個視窗
‎湯姆布雷迪出生在北加州

937
00:43:57,551 --> 00:43:58,761
‎下一個

938
00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:02,890
‎湯姆布雷迪七歲開始打美式足球

939
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,526
‎你他媽的對天發誓

940
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:16,737
‎說要告訴我的

941
00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:18,364
‎蔬菜到底是哪一個？

942
00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:22,618
‎我幫各位省下點擊27次的時間

943
00:44:22,701 --> 00:44:24,953
‎各位觀眾，是蕃茄

944
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:26,121
‎我真錯得離譜

945
00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:30,501
‎但我受不了，因為四分鐘後

946
00:44:30,584 --> 00:44:33,295
‎我在上網看天氣、足球之類的消息
‎結果畫面出現

947
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:37,424
‎“十億人都驚呆了
‎1980年代女演員現在的樣子”

948
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:45,808
‎天哪

949
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,853
‎我幫各位節省55次點擊
‎和兩個半小時的時間

950
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,314
‎各位觀眾，她的樣子超慘的

951
00:44:54,233 --> 00:44:55,234
‎非常沒水準

952
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:57,736
‎她三十年來老了30歲

953
00:44:57,820 --> 00:44:59,196
‎這是她犯的滔天大罪

954
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:04,159
‎抱歉她的樣子不再像
‎《蓋里甘的島》那時候

955
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:08,205
‎下一個寫著：“看看這個王八…”

956
00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:09,123
‎竟然是我

957
00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:14,461
‎這傢伙怎麼了？

958
00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:17,005
‎照片還蠻好看的

959
00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:20,884
‎天哪，但沒關係

960
00:45:21,635 --> 00:45:23,387
‎這不重要

961
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:29,226
‎我記得隔一天就要…

962
00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,145
‎封城的那時候

963
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:33,230
‎那個大日子，我在…我去連鎖煎餅屋

964
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,941
‎-各位知道連鎖鬆餅屋吧？
‎-知道

965
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:37,943
‎好，有點進展了

966
00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:42,948
‎我的蛋裡有頭髮，但我還是吃了

967
00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:44,158
‎過程是這樣的

968
00:45:44,241 --> 00:45:47,035
‎我不想花二十分鐘等新的

969
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,038
‎而且也沒人證

970
00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,291
‎但我該先說那是陰毛

971
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:54,793
‎這就有點怪了吧？

972
00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:57,880
‎波浪狀的陰毛，一眼就看得出來

973
00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:01,759
‎上面還沾了調理油

974
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:05,763
‎最糟的是
‎那根毛剛剛還連在某人的蛋蛋上

975
00:46:06,972 --> 00:46:08,348
‎我不管，把周圍的蛋吃掉了

976
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:09,892
‎他無所謂，我也無所謂

977
00:46:10,559 --> 00:46:12,853
‎但他沒在那裏工作，我就想…

978
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:16,440
‎對了，陰毛超扯的

979
00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:19,359
‎我知有女生覺得
‎“我那裏是木質地板，不是地毯”

980
00:46:19,443 --> 00:46:20,861
‎男生的話…

981
00:46:22,070 --> 00:46:23,113
‎根本是陰毛山

982
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:24,907
‎如果去這裡的小便斗尿尿

983
00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:26,366
‎這裡的

984
00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:27,826
‎那裏也許有…

985
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:31,497
‎五萬根陰毛，我也不知道為什麼

986
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:33,332
‎你進廁所

987
00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:35,709
‎掏出雞雞

988
00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,462
‎哪裡來的騷動？

989
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,007
‎和清梳子好像

990
00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:46,428
‎什麼？上層甲板還有十根

991
00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:49,848
‎它們想逃走

992
00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:50,849
‎我不知道

993
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:55,062
‎我今晚不想管這件事，但我很受不了
‎所以…

994
00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:57,898
‎我被洗腦成喜歡海獺

995
00:46:58,524 --> 00:47:03,403
‎我在毛叢間長大
‎從小就看《好色客》和《閣樓》

996
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:07,199
‎裡面的人都有毛叢，而且…

997
00:47:07,783 --> 00:47:08,659
‎有個女生…

998
00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:11,245
‎我終於親眼見識到
‎我就說：“喔，妳的毛叢”

999
00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:13,664
‎“對，因為我長大了，是女人了”

1000
00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:16,041
‎“事實如此，你喜歡怎樣？
‎不毛之地？”

1001
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:18,669
‎“像九歲女生？像戀童癖一樣？”

1002
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:20,796
‎“但現在…”

1003
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,216
‎問任何女生：“妳沒有毛叢？”

1004
00:47:24,299 --> 00:47:25,968
‎“你喜歡有毛叢？”，我回…

1005
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:30,097
‎“我喜歡像九歲一樣的不毛之地
‎我是戀童癖”

1006
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:32,808
‎她說：“很好，你會如願以償”

1007
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:34,685
‎“真相是什麼？”

1008
00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:37,396
‎女生一起討論一下，因為…

1009
00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:39,565
‎第一點很有道理

1010
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,568
‎對了，那不只是一條可愛的小跑道

1011
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:43,569
‎我一開始不是這樣

1012
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:46,405
‎那是一條頭巾

1013
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:49,199
‎天哪

1014
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:52,327
‎很像本壘板，懂吧？

1015
00:47:52,911 --> 00:47:56,164
‎連到腿部一點點，很像螃蟹草

1016
00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:58,959
‎害我肋骨有點癢，沒有規則

1017
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,085
‎根本無法無天

1018
00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:05,799
‎他們穿上內褲，就像爆開的安全氣囊

1019
00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:10,762
‎我都能睡在上面，像是枕頭王的廣告

1020
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:16,768
‎脫掉之後

1021
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:19,062
‎拉出來，有1公尺這麼長

1022
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:21,565
‎塞回去

1023
00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:27,821
‎前兩天我去梅西百貨買…

1024
00:48:28,447 --> 00:48:31,116
‎我得買襪子和上衣

1025
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,327
‎我去太陽谷的梅西百貨

1026
00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:38,874
‎距離遠一點
‎但那裏我的知名度高9%，所以…

1027
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,460
‎值得開車去

1028
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,253
‎我的應用程式是這樣說的

1029
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,714
‎我過去之後…

1030
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:49,927
‎我先要買襪子
‎但賣襪子和賣鞋子不一樣

1031
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,553
‎沒有分八號、九號、十號

1032
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:54,598
‎五號到二十八號都是同一種尺寸

1033
00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,811
‎好在保險套沒這樣賣

1034
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:02,356
‎亞洲到黑人尺寸都適用

1035
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:05,609
‎因為我知道我算…

1036
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,695
‎有個小秘訣，告訴各位

1037
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,198
‎保險套要買超大尺寸的

1038
00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:12,950
‎浩克級的那種？

1039
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,118
‎會讓女生心花朵朵開

1040
00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:17,746
‎不必真的拿來用，隨便四處丟在家裡

1041
00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:20,916
‎壁爐上丟一個，調理機旁丟一個

1042
00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:23,377
‎不重要，不要太明顯

1043
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,545
‎我都拿來當杯墊，太明顯了

1044
00:49:26,421 --> 00:49:28,006
‎女生會說：“我的天哪”

1045
00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:29,591
‎我問：“怎麼了？”

1046
00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:31,593
‎下面那是什麼？

1047
00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:33,762
‎我應該套在我屌上的

1048
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,435
‎好丟臉

1049
00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:48,193
‎但別戴太大的，因為…

1050
00:49:48,276 --> 00:49:51,196
‎晃來晃去的保險套最可悲

1051
00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:53,532
‎超丟臉

1052
00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:57,202
‎你會覺得：“太丟臉了”

1053
00:49:57,285 --> 00:49:59,413
‎“這個破掉了，而且你知道嗎？”

1054
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,666
‎“我沒寫信給廠商抱怨過
‎這次我要寫信去罵”

1055
00:50:03,208 --> 00:50:04,876
‎“敬啟者…”

1056
00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:08,380
‎用髮圈套住太丟臉了

1057
00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:10,215
‎妳的借我用一下好嗎？

1058
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:11,717
‎綁個兩圈在上面

1059
00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,679
‎最好也不要讓它左右搖晃

1060
00:50:15,762 --> 00:50:19,016
‎還唱著：“電車衝衝衝，鈴聲響叮噹”
‎開玩笑掩飾過去

1061
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:24,062
‎我要發明超大迷你型

1062
00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,856
‎《創智贏家！》快找我

1063
00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,901
‎“超大”，後面接著小字“迷你型”
‎你會想著：“迷你型”

1064
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,031
‎超前思維

1065
00:50:35,657 --> 00:50:40,412
‎後來我買了件上衣，梅西有九面鏡

1066
00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:43,457
‎各位看過自己的側面嗎？

1067
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,624
‎最好別看

1068
00:50:45,584 --> 00:50:46,793
‎能不看就別看

1069
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:51,798
‎我連照一面鏡都快受不了

1070
00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:54,968
‎我的是15到18公分，我查過網路

1071
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,387
‎我是個性取勝，沒關係

1072
00:50:58,263 --> 00:50:59,890
‎我現在能接受了

1073
00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:02,726
‎我懂，但照鏡子時

1074
00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,812
‎我自己知道怎樣算好看
‎所以我穿上上衣

1075
00:51:06,730 --> 00:51:08,065
‎這件還不賴

1076
00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:09,024
‎這個…

1077
00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:11,109
‎牛仔衫…

1078
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,948
‎這是我嗎？

1079
00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:18,992
‎媽媽咪…

1080
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,787
‎超噁，那是我嗎？

1081
00:51:22,829 --> 00:51:26,333
‎我的側面長這樣？
‎全世界看到我是這樣？

1082
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:27,667
‎誰邀咕嚕來的？

1083
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:29,920
‎天哪

1084
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:30,962
‎藍瘦香菇

1085
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:34,966
‎馬上變成18、15、13、5公分…

1086
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:37,302
‎好殘忍

1087
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:40,639
‎害我信心全失，要是我跑夜店

1088
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:41,681
‎我整個洩了氣

1089
00:51:41,765 --> 00:51:43,558
‎幾位美女是同事嗎？

1090
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:46,103
‎同家公司吧？

1091
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:47,854
‎真有趣

1092
00:51:49,231 --> 00:51:51,983
‎在喝什麼？伏特加汽水？我離開一下

1093
00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:56,530
‎洩了氣

1094
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:01,243
‎天哪

1095
00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:03,578
‎我的媽呀

1096
00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,668
‎我朋友好像是戀童癖，但…

1097
00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:12,587
‎我要換話題

1098
00:52:14,172 --> 00:52:15,757
‎但我不確定

1099
00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:20,345
‎我要多收集一點資訊才能舉報他
‎但…

1100
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:22,556
‎現在，我只是猜測

1101
00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:27,185
‎我去他家時，他正在看世界少棒賽

1102
00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,730
‎我不喜歡

1103
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,317
‎我還給他台階下，我說：“嘿”

1104
00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:36,820
‎“知道電視上那些人是小孩嗎？”

1105
00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:37,779
‎他說：“不知道”

1106
00:52:41,616 --> 00:52:44,411
‎“但你得承認，他們是很棒的運動員”

1107
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:47,122
‎是嗎？他們才12歲

1108
00:52:48,415 --> 00:52:51,209
‎“看看他的小腿”，我回：“待會吧”

1109
00:52:51,293 --> 00:52:52,836
‎等特種部隊來時

1110
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,754
‎我會偷偷溜出去

1111
00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:56,590
‎但這個世界很奇怪

1112
00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:59,885
‎連稱讚別人的小孩都不行

1113
00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:03,513
‎以前是可以的，人家常被稱讚

1114
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:08,310
‎但如果有人帶著七歲的女兒

1115
00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:10,270
‎你要是說：“你們的女兒…”

1116
00:53:10,353 --> 00:53:13,023
‎你不能說：“你們的女兒真漂亮”
‎他們會…

1117
00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:18,486
‎什麼？拜託，不會吧？

1118
00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:20,822
‎我就覺得被冒犯

1119
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:22,407
‎我會想辯解，說

1120
00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:25,368
‎“先生，我又不是可怕的戀童癖

1121
00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:28,538
‎而且說真的，就算是
‎也不會先找你們的孩子”

1122
00:53:28,622 --> 00:53:30,332
‎相信我，她沒那麼優

1123
00:53:30,832 --> 00:53:32,209
‎對，她普普

1124
00:53:33,418 --> 00:53:35,462
‎我要是戀童癖，我會先從

1125
00:53:35,545 --> 00:53:37,047
‎三天前在便利商店看到的孩子下手

1126
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:38,298
‎那才是第一名

1127
00:53:38,381 --> 00:53:40,592
‎你們家是吊車尾

1128
00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:43,178
‎好變態

1129
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:48,642
‎其實，你不知道人生早期的經歷

1130
00:53:48,725 --> 00:53:52,979
‎對未來有什麼影響
‎像是在中小學脫別人褲子

1131
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,440
‎又蠢又好玩，大家都做過

1132
00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:59,194
‎當時我11歲，足球…

1133
00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:03,949
‎有人激我脫教練的褲子
‎事後想想，真是爛主意

1134
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:06,451
‎在比賽時脫教練褲子

1135
00:54:07,244 --> 00:54:12,165
‎沒人說他那根大蟒蛇吃過血蘭花

1136
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,042
‎他也不穿內褲

1137
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:15,752
‎於是我走向前

1138
00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:17,087
‎很快拉下…

1139
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:19,839
‎大家都…

1140
00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:23,677
‎“搞什麼？”
‎整座體育館的人呆若木雞

1141
00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,889
‎尤其是他，他愛死了

1142
00:54:28,848 --> 00:54:32,310
‎他坐著讓蟒蛇隨風擺盪一會兒

1143
00:54:32,394 --> 00:54:34,437
‎自得其樂！

1144
00:54:36,147 --> 00:54:38,483
‎讓大家知道誰才是“大”咖

1145
00:54:39,234 --> 00:54:43,238
‎他沒馬上拉褲子，八分鐘後
‎比賽時間到了才拉褲子

1146
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:44,781
‎他終於說

1147
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:46,574
‎“你們這些死小孩”

1148
00:54:52,789 --> 00:54:56,042
‎之後練習時，媽媽們都提早一小時到

1149
00:54:57,836 --> 00:55:00,714
‎打扮得像是參加金球獎

1150
00:55:02,340 --> 00:55:03,967
‎那是當然

1151
00:55:06,177 --> 00:55:07,762
‎和女生調情好困難

1152
00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:09,973
‎有時和女生調情真…

1153
00:55:10,056 --> 00:55:12,225
‎我邀女生出去時…給男生一個建議

1154
00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:15,729
‎要是她們沒馬上回，你就死心吧

1155
00:55:16,229 --> 00:55:18,606
‎有次我傳個訊息給女生
‎她四天後才回

1156
00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:21,985
‎還說：“天哪，我是傳訊息的外行人”

1157
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:23,528
‎我就…

1158
00:55:24,946 --> 00:55:26,489
‎後來我三天後才回

1159
00:55:26,573 --> 00:55:28,325
‎她就說：“天哪，我不懂”

1160
00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:29,951
‎“這種事我很外行”

1161
00:55:31,619 --> 00:55:35,290
‎對了，沒人是傳訊息的外行人
‎這個世界上，絕對沒有

1162
00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:39,252
‎全是爛藉口
‎因為我終於邀到她吃晚餐

1163
00:55:39,753 --> 00:55:42,589
‎她整個晚上都低頭玩手機

1164
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,762
‎看來妳變達人了嘛

1165
00:55:53,224 --> 00:55:54,851
‎真的很上手

1166
00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:56,269
‎太好了

1167
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:00,982
‎屁勒…！

1168
00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:02,984
‎天哪，所以…

1169
00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:06,363
‎我…

1170
00:56:07,030 --> 00:56:08,740
‎在汽車展看到凱特琳詹納

1171
00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:11,451
‎知道凱特琳詹納吧？

1172
00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:14,662
‎我小時候
‎他一直是奧運選手布魯斯詹納

1173
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,916
‎之後突然來個大轉變，大家知道
‎這沒什麼

1174
00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:22,170
‎我唯一覺得有點意思的地方

1175
00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:25,757
‎就是她叫凱特琳，因為…

1176
00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,761
‎我覺那是三字頭女性的名字

1177
00:56:29,844 --> 00:56:33,515
‎聽起來比較年輕
‎我懂這種心理學花招

1178
00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:34,599
‎但這是一種花招

1179
00:56:34,682 --> 00:56:36,142
‎我叫大衛

1180
00:56:36,226 --> 00:56:38,395
‎就像馬龍白蘭度，誰會在意大衛？

1181
00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:39,979
‎很蠢的菜市場名

1182
00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:44,192
‎如果希望名字聽起來像27歲
‎我會改名叫康諾

1183
00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:46,152
‎那我就瞬間變27歲

1184
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:49,406
‎“康諾史派德，在幹嘛？”
‎我會回：“在小呼一下”

1185
00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,370
‎但的確聽起來年輕多了

1186
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:58,164
‎也許會有效，而凱特琳

1187
00:56:58,248 --> 00:57:00,542
‎她71歲了

1188
00:57:00,625 --> 00:57:01,459
‎你知道嗎？

1189
00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:03,586
‎妳不能當凱特琳

1190
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,172
‎知道妳該叫什麼嗎？叫芭柏

1191
00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,592
‎芭柏詹納，妳好

1192
00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,804
‎我是芭柏

1193
00:57:13,430 --> 00:57:14,305
‎你好嗎？

1194
00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,767
‎或是朵蒂或露絲都可以

1195
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:20,186
‎妳不叫達珂塔，妳叫桃樂絲

1196
00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:21,771
‎拜託取個合理的名字

1197
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:27,610
‎帶老實說，連我朋友都覺得我很老
‎我討厭朋友把我看得很老

1198
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,237
‎有女生問我：“要見見我朋友嗎”？

1199
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,031
‎我知道妳想幹嘛
‎“認識瑞克、彼得和羅傑嗎”？

1200
00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:33,366
‎搞屁啊？

1201
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:35,452
‎謝謝不連絡，聽起來都是老人

1202
00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:36,661
‎不必見了

1203
00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:38,913
‎好可悲

1204
00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:41,916
‎我得騙人說
‎“認識艾登、凱登和傑登嗎？”

1205
00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:45,545
‎小酌一下吧

1206
00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:48,173
‎當凱特琳

1207
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:50,216
‎出現時

1208
00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,135
‎所有名人都大力支持

1209
00:57:52,218 --> 00:57:53,928
‎寇特妮考克絲和辛蒂克勞馥

1210
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:56,222
‎都說：“凱特琳好漂亮”

1211
00:57:56,306 --> 00:58:00,185
‎“她美若天仙”，“妳長得跟她很像”

1212
00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,936
‎“去死啦，你說真的嗎？”

1213
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:06,232
‎“那隻怪獸？把話收回去”

1214
00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,860
‎我改變看法了

1215
00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:15,241
‎你們很開心吧？太好了

1216
00:58:16,242 --> 00:58:17,285
‎好，很棒

1217
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,162
‎我好喜歡這裡，各位

1218
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,457
‎很開心大家光臨

1219
00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:25,710
‎我穿了我的牛仔衫

1220
00:58:25,793 --> 00:58:29,380
‎進行得很順利，氣氛很…
‎我的確搭了飛機

1221
00:58:30,256 --> 00:58:33,301
‎我來這裡，搭的是…
‎就說是西南航空吧

1222
00:58:36,095 --> 00:58:40,141
‎西南航空超破爛，誰都不准洩漏出去

1223
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:44,479
‎首先，我搭他們的航班很多年了

1224
00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:47,023
‎但我進航廈時

1225
00:58:47,106 --> 00:58:49,859
‎我明明還離很遠，他們就喊…

1226
00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:54,739
‎“各位登機前，我們清理飛機”

1227
00:58:54,822 --> 00:58:57,408
‎有個人拿著除臭噴霧劑，就…

1228
00:58:57,492 --> 00:58:59,410
‎好了，請他們進來

1229
00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,579
‎把牛牽進來，就是所有乘客啦

1230
00:59:01,663 --> 00:59:02,830
‎從一號到一千號

1231
00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:04,832
‎我心想：“就是我”

1232
00:59:04,916 --> 00:59:07,794
‎很像電子美式足球，大家撞來撞去

1233
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,420
‎然後…

1234
00:59:09,504 --> 00:59:10,964
‎空服員

1235
00:59:11,047 --> 00:59:14,342
‎穿了一件短褲，因為他們是歡樂航空

1236
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,803
‎說個小秘密，沒人覺得歡樂

1237
00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,137
‎她不歡樂，我不歡樂

1238
00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:19,847
‎她大汗淋漓

1239
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:22,267
‎因為賭城是樞紐機場，這是行話

1240
00:59:22,350 --> 00:59:25,270
‎所以她這樣從空橋移動到飛機上

1241
00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:27,897
‎大家請上飛機

1242
00:59:27,981 --> 00:59:29,941
‎拜託，我們得開離跑道了

1243
00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,151
‎他們只在乎開離跑道

1244
00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,779
‎開、離、跑道，快

1245
00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,865
‎我們在大廳，我就這樣
‎她說：“拜託

1246
00:59:37,949 --> 00:59:40,451
‎別找走道座了，沒有走道座

1247
00:59:40,535 --> 00:59:43,871
‎只有中間座，我們是全中間座航空

1248
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:44,914
‎找到死也找不到

1249
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:49,252
‎我們只有中間座，不必盯著置物箱

1250
00:59:49,335 --> 00:59:51,462
‎都滿了，硬擠才能關上

1251
00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:53,590
‎早上4點後就滿了

1252
00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:58,553
‎連電話線、硬幣或棉花糖都塞不進去
‎快坐下

1253
00:59:58,636 --> 01:00:00,388
‎把你的鬼東西放大腿上

1254
01:00:00,471 --> 01:00:01,848
‎你才付49塊

1255
01:00:02,348 --> 01:00:05,476
‎和魔鬼打交道就要有心理準備

1256
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,395
‎嘴閉上，少廢話

1257
01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:10,815
‎我乖乖坐著，把鬼東西放大腿上

1258
01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:14,319
‎我問一個男生：“有沒有東西吃？”

1259
01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,572
‎“這傢伙以為有東西吃！”
‎我說：“不，我只是問問”

1260
01:00:18,072 --> 01:00:19,699
‎我把存糧告訴你

1261
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,786
‎我們只剩五袋花生

1262
01:00:25,872 --> 01:00:28,666
‎我們飛到一半時會用噴射槍射出去

1263
01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,793
‎可以嗎？自己抬頭注意看

1264
01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:34,922
‎有一包是蜜汁花生
‎走運的話就能拿到

1265
01:00:36,591 --> 01:00:39,886
‎要是你對花生過敏，算你倒霉
‎有兩袋開過了

1266
01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:42,764
‎泡一下就好了，瑪琪，所以…

1267
01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:45,975
‎要死請爬去廁所死

1268
01:00:47,435 --> 01:00:50,188
‎其實他們人很好，我下飛機時說

1269
01:00:50,271 --> 01:00:52,857
‎“我想謝謝各位

1270
01:00:52,940 --> 01:00:55,777
‎現在大家都請病假，飛機都誤點

1271
01:00:55,860 --> 01:00:57,779
‎感謝各位堅守崗位”，她說

1272
01:00:57,862 --> 01:00:59,656
‎“對啊，我確診了還不是來上班？”

1273
01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:01,240
‎“我知道，謝謝你們”

1274
01:01:01,824 --> 01:01:04,077
‎我就是這個意思，太盡職了

1275
01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:11,209
‎色情片精靈

1276
01:01:12,627 --> 01:01:17,048
‎我的確…天哪，我竟然有勞力士，我…

1277
01:01:24,722 --> 01:01:25,973
‎好蠢，我…

1278
01:01:26,933 --> 01:01:30,395
‎最近我搭了私人飛機
‎我要吹牛是因為

1279
01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:31,854
‎我很少這麼做

1280
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:34,565
‎因為…我在社群軟體看到一堆女生

1281
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:37,110
‎為什麼模特兒總能搭私人飛機？

1282
01:01:37,193 --> 01:01:39,028
‎知道那有多貴嗎？

1283
01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:40,863
‎“這些女生是高級妓女”

1284
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,657
‎很難解釋，但…

1285
01:01:42,740 --> 01:01:45,868
‎她們不是被逼的，但你知道嗎…

1286
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,370
‎待會再告訴你們

1287
01:01:47,453 --> 01:01:49,831
‎但這不是今天的重點

1288
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:53,084
‎我知道私人飛機有多貴

1289
01:01:53,167 --> 01:01:56,212
‎它們才這麼大，簡直就像溫度計

1290
01:01:56,295 --> 01:01:59,340
‎它們不會出現在社群媒體，太丟臉了
‎我坐過

1291
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,426
‎60公分高
‎像是長了翅膀的磁振造影檢查儀

1292
01:02:01,509 --> 01:02:02,510
‎我就像這樣…

1293
01:02:14,647 --> 01:02:18,901
‎你們做完磁振造影了

1294
01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:21,779
‎做做音效讓大家放鬆

1295
01:02:25,032 --> 01:02:25,950
‎拿鐵鎚來

1296
01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:29,746
‎但我坐上一架很棒的飛機

1297
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:33,166
‎有人載我參加傑克森霍爾的演奏會

1298
01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:36,085
‎我超興奮，我和朋友一起上了飛機

1299
01:02:36,169 --> 01:02:40,256
‎最後坐上超讚的噴射機
‎體會高級妓女的生活

1300
01:02:40,339 --> 01:02:43,009
‎我乖乖坐在座位上

1301
01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:44,302
‎一切都很順利

1302
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:48,222
‎後來機長走出來
‎好像世界末日要到了

1303
01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:49,265
‎他就像這個樣子

1304
01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:53,644
‎我心想

1305
01:02:53,728 --> 01:02:55,146
‎“這傢伙剛呼過嗎？”

1306
01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:58,566
‎他說：“事情是這樣的”

1307
01:02:58,649 --> 01:02:59,817
‎“我們大概

1308
01:02:59,901 --> 01:03:02,069
‎還有48公里

1309
01:03:03,321 --> 01:03:04,989
‎情況會很糟”

1310
01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:09,285
‎完全不想安撫我們，我就問

1311
01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:12,872
‎“情況會很糟，什麼意思？多糟？”

1312
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:18,252
‎他說：“風速每小時209公里
‎有有強烈暴風雪

1313
01:03:18,336 --> 01:03:20,379
‎所以情況會非常糟糕”

1314
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:23,841
‎“但你們知道嗎？”

1315
01:03:23,925 --> 01:03:25,259
‎“我們就賭一把吧”

1316
01:03:27,595 --> 01:03:28,554
‎說完就走開了

1317
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:29,472
‎怎麼意思？

1318
01:03:30,932 --> 01:03:33,142
‎他說要賭一把，什麼意思啊？

1319
01:03:33,226 --> 01:03:36,187
‎朋友說：“我們要賭一把”
‎我問：“賭什麼啊？”

1320
01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:37,688
‎這很可怕吧？

1321
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:38,731
‎是不是不應該搭？

1322
01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:39,732
‎然後…

1323
01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:41,567
‎害我…

1324
01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:44,737
‎我像被困在越野車上
‎健怡可樂撞到天花板

1325
01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:49,534
‎嚇死我的毛，有些人會被嚇得笑出來
‎我是嚇到噴尿

1326
01:03:49,617 --> 01:03:52,829
‎尿得到處都是

1327
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:54,413
‎中間一度穩下來

1328
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:56,457
‎他說：“快去問他”，我就去問

1329
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:01,420
‎我已經很想吐了

1330
01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:05,550
‎我問：“剛剛…”，他說：“怎樣啦？”
‎我說：“我是客人耶！”

1331
01:04:05,633 --> 01:04:06,759
‎別吼我

1332
01:04:07,468 --> 01:04:11,389
‎“你剛剛說賭一把，其實我們不用賭”

1333
01:04:11,472 --> 01:04:14,433
‎“演奏會不重要”，他說：“嘿”

1334
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:19,397
‎“聽好，就算能見度只有柏油路上
‎30公尺

1335
01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:20,940
‎我們還是能合法降落”

1336
01:04:21,023 --> 01:04:22,108
‎我說

1337
01:04:22,775 --> 01:04:23,693
‎“合法？”

1338
01:04:24,610 --> 01:04:26,654
‎聽起來很可怕，我不想離開

1339
01:04:26,737 --> 01:04:28,531
‎“我們只有10秒鐘的空檔，去坐好！”

1340
01:04:28,614 --> 01:04:31,158
‎我說：“天哪，我幹嘛這麼聽話？”

1341
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:33,995
‎於是我坐下，接著又…

1342
01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:36,539
‎可怕程度超出你們想像

1343
01:04:36,622 --> 01:04:41,544
‎我們往窗外看，大雪紛飛
‎一片白茫茫，接著就撞到東西

1344
01:04:41,627 --> 01:04:43,754
‎“我們墜機了？
‎不對，我們著陸了？”

1345
01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:47,717
‎我起身，梯子就…

1346
01:04:48,342 --> 01:04:51,095
‎我心想：“天哪，我沒死”

1347
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,723
‎我走過去，然後…

1348
01:04:55,558 --> 01:04:57,059
‎等我踏上柏油路

1349
01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:00,646
‎方圓百里之內，什麼都沒有

1350
01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:04,400
‎一眼望去都沒飛機，我就問

1351
01:05:05,318 --> 01:05:06,235
‎“怎麼回事？”

1352
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:08,779
‎有兩個組員就這樣

1353
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:12,950
‎我問

1354
01:05:13,034 --> 01:05:16,746
‎“發生什麼事？”
‎“你們突然從雲裡冒出來”

1355
01:05:20,124 --> 01:05:21,250
‎“什麼意思？”

1356
01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:23,044
‎“你們從6公尺高的地方衝出來”

1357
01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:24,921
‎“憑空出現”

1358
01:05:25,004 --> 01:05:26,297
‎“其他人呢？”

1359
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:27,590
‎“天哪

1360
01:05:27,673 --> 01:05:29,717
‎37架飛機都轉降了”

1361
01:05:32,136 --> 01:05:34,430
‎“只有你們著陸”，我問

1362
01:05:34,513 --> 01:05:36,515
‎“好誇張！幹嘛轉降？”

1363
01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:39,435
‎後面有聲音傳來
‎“因為他們都是孬種”

1364
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:45,149
‎謝謝各位光臨

1365
01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:47,401
‎我愛你們

1366
01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:48,361
‎非常感激

1367
01:06:17,765 --> 01:06:22,770
‎字幕翻譯：易敬能