1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,008 -[rock music playing] -[crowd cheering] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,591 --> 00:00:11,928 [crowd whistling] 5 00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:21,104 Whoo! 6 00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:22,480 [inaudible] 7 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:25,567 Yeah. 8 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,068 [crowd continues cheering] 9 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,278 Yeah. 10 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:29,988 Nice. 11 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:33,074 Thank you, Minneapolis. 12 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:33,992 Have a seat. 13 00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:36,202 It's good to see you. 14 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,413 -Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it. -[crowd whooping] 15 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,373 -[crowd cheering] -[David chuckling lightly] 16 00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:45,336 I appreciate you coming and paying half price. 17 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,839 -I thank you very much. It's… -[crowd laughing] 18 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,134 Someone tried to hug me today. 19 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,595 I mean, I sound like a dick, but 20 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,389 this older woman was very sweet, 21 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:59,476 and she saw me, and we both froze, and she goes, "Oh, no." 22 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,102 -[crowd chuckling] -"Wait a second." 23 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:05,065 "No, are you someone?" 24 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,149 [scattered laughing] 25 00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:08,234 And I go, "Yes, I am." 26 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,152 [crowd laughing] 27 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,571 And she goes, "Give me a hug." 28 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,114 I go, "Oh, no." 29 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,657 Not because I don't like it, 30 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,409 it's just I'm terrified. 31 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,535 You know what I mean? 32 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,120 Who's hugging, still? 33 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:21,581 I go, "Oh, maybe I could just get away with a fist bump." 34 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,333 She goes, "Nope. Come here." 35 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:24,584 "I'm a hugger." 36 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,544 -[David cawing] -[crowd laughing] 37 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,713 She did this eight-foot wingspan, 38 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:32,175 and she came in for the kill, and I gave up. 39 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,677 I said, "All right. Bring it in. Let's both die. Come on." 40 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,972 Because I don't know what's going on, and she said… I don't… 41 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,308 But that's how paranoid I am. 42 00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:43,186 And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger." Can we get rid of that? 43 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,771 I mean, it's not working anymore. 44 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,523 I'm a hugger and that's it? 45 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:48,066 No questions asked? 46 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:48,983 [crowd laughing] 47 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,945 That shouldn't work anymore for obvious reasons. 48 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:55,156 And it definitely doesn't work with guys for probably 100 reasons. 49 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,867 I mean, my uncle is like that. 50 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,119 "Come on. Come here!" 51 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,162 "I'm an ass-grabber, get in here." 52 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,747 "Oh, give it a chooching ass." 53 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,249 "No. It's okay." 54 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,626 -"I'm just an ass grabber." -[crowd laughing] 55 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:07,794 "Don't be weird about it." 56 00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,505 "No. I grab asses, and I like it." 57 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,507 "No. We understand that part." 58 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,551 "I'm an old-school guy." 59 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,261 "It's part of my charm." 60 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:17,804 "I'm a camel toe grazer." 61 00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,222 "And that's what I do." 62 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,141 "Just a little bit on the knuckles." 63 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,810 "I don't even feel it. I have no nerve endings." 64 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,103 "You can't get mad." 65 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,606 "Ask my family. I've been doing it forever." 66 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:29,732 [crowd laughing] 67 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:34,070 "I like to bump a biscuit now and then, and everyone's been cool with it." 68 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:39,200 "I don't wanna change. Don't be so… woke. Come on." 69 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,911 But yeah, I think that's gone. 70 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,122 But I'm from California… [chuckling] 71 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,749 …and, um, I don't know if you've heard, 72 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,586 but we're in the third year of our two-week lockdown, 73 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:52,046 and it's going really badly. 74 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,673 -[scattered laughing] -Um… [chuckling] 75 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,759 It's very tricky to have a lockdown 76 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,137 because about six months into it, I was like, 77 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:02,891 "Any word on the two-week lockdown? Has anyone said anything to you?" 78 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,350 "Because I'm still in my house." 79 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,561 And then our governor came out, 80 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:09,022 and they said he's gonna have a press conference 81 00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,107 and announce he's opening things. 82 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:14,110 All I want is restaurants. That's all I, honestly, give a fuck about. 83 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,403 I said, "Great." 84 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,738 "Let's do restaurants." 85 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,406 So he comes out on TV, 86 00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:20,283 waste of fucking time, 'cause he goes, 87 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:23,661 "Starting Monday, we're gonna do the purple tier." 88 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,288 I'm like, "Awesome." 89 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,207 "No idea what that is. Let's go." 90 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,710 "Starting Monday, we're gonna open rock quarries." 91 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:33,213 [crowd laughing] 92 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,299 "Archery repair shops." 93 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:37,425 "What did he say?" 94 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,093 "Did he say archery?" 95 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,930 "Decoupage centers." 96 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,099 "Caterpillar sanctuaries." 97 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,101 What the fuck is going on? 98 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,186 What's happening? 99 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,982 Anything about restaurants? "No, that's tangerine tier, that's…" 100 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,109 "You don't know this? You don't…" 101 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:57,987 "That's a year and a half away, but…" 102 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,530 [crowd laughing] 103 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,157 Such a drag. 104 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:05,036 And then a few months after that, there were some whispers of a vaccine. 105 00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:05,954 Remember that? 106 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,206 [whispering indistinctly] Jab, jab, jab. [whispering] 107 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,708 Puh-fizer, Puh-fizer. I don't know how to say it. Puh-fizer. 108 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,543 [crowd laughing] 109 00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:13,920 But then, 110 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:16,673 out of nowhere after all this time, like a year, 111 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,509 suddenly three vaccines came out the same day. 112 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,511 A little suspicious. I didn't give a fuck. 113 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,347 I'm willing to look the other way. Jab me. Let's go eat. 114 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:27,892 You know what I mean, like… a little sketchy. 115 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,686 -[crowd cheering, applauding] -The same week. 116 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,148 I'm all in. I do not care. 117 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:35,608 Let's go. 118 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,777 And it was, actually, like a horse race for a while. 119 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,654 'Cause it's like, "Here comes Pfizer." 120 00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:41,489 "Pfizer looks like it's gonna be out first." 121 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:44,826 "Oh! There's Moderna coming around that corner. Moderna, Moder--…" 122 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:48,579 "Who's this? AstraZeneca pulling up by a hair!" 123 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:49,747 [crowd chuckling] 124 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,916 Anyway, Pfizer wins, 125 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,961 and then Pfizer comes out, and the guy's announcing it. 126 00:04:55,044 --> 00:04:58,047 And they're so proud, they're like, "We're Pfizer." [cheers] 127 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,508 "We are 90% efficacy." 128 00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:02,135 And I'm like, "What did you say to me?" 129 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,346 I swear to God. I thought he was saying efficiency wrong, 130 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,390 because I went to community college. 131 00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:08,599 I don't know anything. 132 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,768 And I told my friend, 133 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,812 "This idiot said it wrong three times in a row, 134 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,731 and no one said one thing about it." 135 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,024 [crowd laughing] 136 00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:20,862 "We're 90% efficacy Pfizer, and we have to be 137 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,239 at 45,000 degrees below zero." 138 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,283 And I'm like, "That's okay." 139 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,827 Listen, there's a few quirks to it, that's fine. 140 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,370 Like, what does my fridge go to? 141 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,497 I don't know. But you know what? I'll take it. 142 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,291 Next day, 143 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:34,709 "We're Moderna." 144 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,377 -[grunting] -[crowd laughing] 145 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,963 "We are 95% efficacy." 146 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,173 Oh. 147 00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,382 "And we're room temp." 148 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,300 Ah. 149 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:45,428 I'm listening. 150 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:48,890 Next day, "We're AstraZeneca." 151 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,767 [humming whimsical melody] 152 00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:52,977 "We're 96%." 153 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,270 "And we're a bath bomb." 154 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,980 Holy shit! 155 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:56,898 [crowd laughing] 156 00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:57,857 I'm in. 157 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,693 That one sounds real easy. 158 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,445 [mouthing sound effects] 159 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:04,530 Fixed. 160 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,786 And then, Dr. Grouchy. I've sorta had it with him. 161 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,537 I mean, no offense, it's 162 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:14,248 just buzzkill. 163 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:17,293 -[crowd cheering, applauding] -Hammering me with bad news. 164 00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,546 No bedside manner. Every time he sees me, it's like, 165 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,548 "What do you think?" "Gonna be worse." 166 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:25,510 "If I had to guess with absolutely no information, 167 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,011 I'd bet on worse." 168 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,889 "Everything will be bad to worse to shitty." 169 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,350 No matter what. I'm like, "Goddamn." 170 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,352 "Any hope, dude? Let's mix it up." 171 00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:35,311 "Second opinion?" 172 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,647 "No, I'm your guy, and it's bad." 173 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,942 And then, they always have a running death count in the corner, 174 00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,360 which was horrifying. 175 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:45,863 I'd block it with my hand 'cause it was such a drag, 176 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:49,325 and it was the Jerry Lewis Telethon. We're like, "Tiffany, roll it." 177 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,910 "Oh, we hit a million!" Like… 178 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,663 That doesn't make me feel good. 179 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:54,580 [crowd laughing] 180 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,875 Grouchy. And he was always like, "Oh, by the way…" he kept going, 181 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:02,213 "There's gonna be a fifth wave. I warn ya, fifth wave." 182 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:06,134 And there was a fifth wave, and he was jizzing on it. 183 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:09,554 He was so happy it came true. 184 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:11,097 I was like, "Goddammit!" 185 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:15,143 He's like, "Back on TV! Makeup. Here we go. Ring light." 186 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,394 [humming] 187 00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:17,979 [crowd laughing] 188 00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:21,065 "Oh, it's gonna be bad. Fifth wave." 189 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,650 "It's gonna be worse than Rocky V." 190 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,318 No, it's not. 191 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,613 It's not gonna be worse than Rocky V. What are you talking about? 192 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,992 But you do sound like the trainer in Rocky V. 193 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,202 [in accent] "This one's gonna hurt you permanent, Rock." 194 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,705 "Permanent and it's gonna put you in a body bag." 195 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,790 [muttering indistinctly] 196 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,584 [in normal voice] Three people know Rocky. 197 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,501 [crowd laughing] 198 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:41,586 Actually… 199 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,796 actually, when I heard, uh… 200 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,341 when I moved to Los Angeles, I heard a rumor about Stallone 201 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,760 because, you know, I guess last year he… 202 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,929 he was accused of some "me too" stuff. 203 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:54,432 And I don't know if it's true, but that came out. 204 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,100 And then I remember when I moved to town, 205 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,352 I heard some dumb rumor about him 206 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:01,731 that was like, "Oh, uh, his wiener doesn't work." 207 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,317 Wiener doesn't work. You heard me right. 208 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,986 And I go… I'm, like, at a keg party going, 209 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,029 "What happened?" 210 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:11,866 And they go, "Yeah, 'cause in Rambo 3, I guess he took steroids, or…" 211 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:14,702 You know, which I did see. I won't tell you what happens, but… 212 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,662 And I guess… 213 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,457 And on top of that… Ridiculous, this is what they said, 214 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,042 "He's, uh… he's got a pump in there." 215 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,252 "Like a perfume pump on his hip to make it go up." I go, 216 00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,422 "Is that poss--? No way." 217 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,340 [crowd laughing] 218 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:30,426 I go, "There's no way that's true because I'd have one." 219 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,344 [crowd laughing] 220 00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:32,553 Who wouldn't? 221 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,722 Give me three. Give me a couple of backups. 222 00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:36,349 Like, why not? 223 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:37,725 I mean, how great! 224 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,769 I just picture him at a party back then. 225 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,854 He's got some lady friend in his mansion. 226 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,066 He's like, "Hey. After this, uh, drink, maybe we, uh, 227 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:46,609 head up to the master bedroom." 228 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,195 [blowing rhythmically] 229 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:50,321 [crowd laughing] 230 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,370 What, what, what? 231 00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,497 Huh? 232 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,165 And she goes, 233 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,418 "Uh, actually I'm probably gonna have one more drink after this." 234 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,586 He goes, "Not a problem." 235 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,005 -[exhaling slowly] -[crowd laughing] 236 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,465 Dammit. 237 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,349 In fairness, that joke is mostly sound effects. 238 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,393 It's sorta built around it. 239 00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:23,062 We'll cut this part out. 240 00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,064 [crowd laughing] 241 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,441 [grunting] 242 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,776 [cap clattering] 243 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,071 I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. 244 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,406 Ugh. 245 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,032 [crowd laughing] 246 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,158 [David laughing] 247 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:43,624 I actually had a big coat to wear to Minnesota. 248 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,127 -[man] Yeah! -[woman] Yeah! 249 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,170 -[crowd cheering] -[David laughing] 250 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,131 By the way, they weren't bullshitting. 251 00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,091 There was a minus in front of the number. 252 00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,051 I was like, "There can't be." 253 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,511 [crowd laughing] 254 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,180 So I go to LA to some hoofy doofy store, and I say, 255 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,517 "I need a big winter coat." And they go, "Oh, this is a great one." 256 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,562 "It's a puffer, but it's covered in leather on the outside." 257 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:05,730 I go, "Oh!" 258 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,649 And they go, "A lot of rappers are buying it." 259 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,568 -I go, "Sold." -[crowd laughing] 260 00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:12,862 If someone else said it was cool and they're rappers, 261 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,363 I'm buying it. Not a problem. 262 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,408 So I go to buy it. I put it on, and then I go, 263 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:20,745 "I can't wait to go skiing in this." Then he goes, "Ayee…" 264 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,539 "I wouldn't take it skiing." 265 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,293 I go, "You wouldn't take your winter coat in the snow?" 266 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:28,252 He goes… 267 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,631 "Would you take in the rain?" "No, no." 268 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,675 "I wouldn't take it in the snow, 269 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:41,057 rain, sleet, hail, flurries, drizzle, 270 00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,977 bluster, wind, 271 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,773 dawn, eclipse…" 272 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,025 [crowd laughing] 273 00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,318 "…twilight, or dusk." 274 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:56,364 "It's more of an indoor coat, to be honest." I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." 275 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:59,158 "Like the living room?" He goes, "Kitchen. Yeah, yeah." 276 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:00,576 [crowd chuckling] 277 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,286 "Actually, it's more of an Instagram coat." 278 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,205 "You just sort of take it off, 279 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:05,790 take a photo, 280 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,458 put it back in the closet." 281 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,878 I go, "All right. How much is it? 90 grand? All right." 282 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,756 And I bought it because you know what? I didn't wanna look stupid. 283 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,841 [crowd laughing] 284 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,597 I was on The Bachelor this year, uh, The Bachelor. 285 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,599 [crowd cheering, applauding] 286 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,977 Bach in Paradise. 287 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,481 Which is a little bit of the-- You know what it is. Right? 288 00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,149 [crowd laughing] 289 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,068 Actually, the funniest part was when I got there 290 00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:37,113 because they… they flew me down to Mexico and they go, 291 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,573 "You're gonna stay in a four-star hotel." 292 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,118 I didn't know it was 4 out of 1000. 293 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,119 [crowd laughing] 294 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,372 I stay in this dump, and it's… [chuckling] 295 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,791 It sounds mean, but it's a house, 296 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:52,044 but the stairs to my room upstairs are outside, which is weird. 297 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,296 And I'm in there and it's covered in crabs. 298 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:58,092 By the way, there's a million crabs outside and there's 10,000 inside. 299 00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:00,010 And I go, "I don't love crabs." 300 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:03,222 "They're kind of sickening to me, and there's too many at once, 301 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:06,058 and I get overwhelmed and they're fucking scary." 302 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,226 And I tell a guy, 303 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:10,813 "There's too many crabs." And he goes, "It's crab season." I go… 304 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:16,235 "I… But not in my house. Like, it can be out there." 305 00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,113 And he goes, "But they're crazy." I go, "These aren't answers." 306 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,490 "This is… Do you get what I want to do?" 307 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,660 "I don't want them here, 'cause they scare the fuck out of me, 308 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,538 'cause I'm kinda a puss, and they're gross, 309 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,459 and they walk sideways, you know, and that's unsettling, at best." 310 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,295 What, what, what? 311 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,504 [crowd laughing] 312 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,465 And then you look at 'em and they go… 313 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,549 [droning] 314 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,843 They stand up and go… [clacking] 315 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,678 Like, "Chop, dice!" 316 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,389 They just want to kill. They're not scared of you. 317 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,308 They're just spiders with good PR. 318 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,435 I don't know how everyone's into crabs. 319 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,645 And they tap on windows. [clacking] 320 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,647 They're all… They're fucked up. 321 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,816 So the guy is like, "Uh, yeah," you know? 322 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,986 And so I go, "I need less than 100 in the house." 323 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,113 And then even in my room, 324 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,325 which is, you know, second floor, they're just all in there waiting for me. 325 00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:07,495 There's seven minimum when I go to bed. 326 00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:10,915 I'm going to bed and the guy goes, "Oh, they won't go on your bed." 327 00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:15,461 And I go, "Well, they climbed a 60-foot wall to get to my room." 328 00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:16,378 [crowd laughing] 329 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:20,216 "I think they can handle my Sealy Posturepedic mattress." 330 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:24,595 'Cause the lights are on, so I'm sleeping like this… 331 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,139 And they go like this… [clacking] 332 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,058 And then I open my eyes and they go… 333 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,851 [crowd laughing] 334 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:31,811 And then I go… 335 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,565 It's Squid Game. You know, it's red light, green light. 336 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,525 I don't like it. 337 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,069 How did they see it first? 338 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,029 [crowd laughing, applauding] 339 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,906 And I go, "How are they getting in my room?" 340 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,866 Meanwhile, I look. It's this thick under my door. 341 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,952 The crabs don't even have to go smash down. 342 00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:50,830 They're like, "Jama Day. Hey…" [humming] 343 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,706 They come right in. Nobody cares. 344 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,918 And then I'm down with the guy 345 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:59,213 and I'm trying to explain that I don't like them falling off the ceiling on me, 346 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,548 which they do. 347 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,384 And he's… he's like, "Oh…" You know? 348 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:07,012 And I go, uh… I look at the stairs and there's a tail going up the upstairs. 349 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:07,930 A furry tail. I go, 350 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,142 "Hey, what's, uh… You catch that tail heading up to my room?" 351 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,602 And he goes, "Oh." 352 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:17,523 "Uh, that, uh, might be a haguar." 353 00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,608 [crowd laughing] 354 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,406 "I'm sorry. I didn't catch that." 355 00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:29,201 He goes, "Haguar." 356 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,160 I go, 357 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:35,082 "You're not by any means saying jaguar, are you?" 358 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,584 And he goes, "Yes." 359 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:39,003 "And you're not saying it happy?" 360 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,548 You should be like, "Yeah. Fuck, man. A jaguar!" 361 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,884 "You might die," but he goes, "Yes." 362 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,677 And he goes… He gives me the good news. 363 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,680 He goes, "But you know, not too many." 364 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,348 [crowd laughing] 365 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,059 Okay. 366 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,354 I go, "I've heard one can cause a ruckus, but sure." 367 00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,357 Anyway, I look again and the tail comes down. I go, "Oh!" 368 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,860 And he goes, "Oh, no. It's just a lemur." 369 00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,279 And I go, "A lemur. Thank God." 370 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,865 I have no idea what that is, but I go, "It's gotta be better." 371 00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:08,782 [crowd laughing] 372 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:09,783 And I go, "Lemur." 373 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,620 And I see them 'cause they're on the glass trying to get in there like… 374 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:13,954 [clacking] 375 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:16,749 And they're tapping and, like, Morse-coding their friends, 376 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,292 going, "Kill at midnight," 377 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:21,837 and they're all gathered around and then the lemur comes up, 378 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,297 and I go, "Hey. This is cute." 379 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:26,508 He's like, "Yeah." He picks up three crabs and goes… [chomping] 380 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:27,718 I go, "Goddamn!" 381 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,803 He goes, "You're next. You're upstairs." 382 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:30,971 I go, "What do you know?" 383 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,057 [crowd laughing] 384 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,644 The guy's like, "Well, time for me to go." [chuckling] 385 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,479 "Is it lemur season? What's happening?" 386 00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:40,773 Anyway, he leaves, I go to Bachelor in Paradise, 387 00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,234 which is basically a Toyota fuckathon. You know. You're nodding your head. 388 00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,236 I mean, good God. 389 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,154 Whatever. 390 00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:49,031 [crowd laughing] 391 00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,742 Anyway, enough about that. I'll tell you about my sweet mother. 392 00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:52,743 My mom. 393 00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:55,245 I went home for Christmas. She's very sweet. 394 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,791 We took pictures at dinner, she put them on Facebook within minutes. 395 00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,167 Didn't clear it with anyone. 396 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:04,713 Um, that's how she does it. Got five likes. She's stoked. 397 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,048 [crowd laughing] 398 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,259 Um, but now she has a dog named Scooby, who's very cute. 399 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,388 She has, um, 400 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:17,726 a dog named Scooby, and Scooby is a cute, uh, wiener dog, and very… 401 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,646 very skinny with the one ear up and… 402 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:21,563 [barking] 403 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,315 But now Scooby is super fat. 404 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,859 Because he used to look like a young Brando. 405 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,778 Scooby is like this, you know, 406 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:31,490 and then now looks like Brando in Godfather 10, like… 407 00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:34,410 He's so fat from Snausages, and when he barks, he's like… 408 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,411 [strained barking] 409 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,621 It's a fat bark. You know what I mean? 410 00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:38,747 It used to be… [yipping] 411 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,290 Now it's like…. [coughing] 412 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,250 [crowd laughing] 413 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,752 I go, "Are you barking? Are you coughing?" 414 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:47,548 So when she leaves, she feels guilty, 415 00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,091 and he eats 24 hours a day. 416 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,343 And then she has a thing called a Furby, or something, 417 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,429 that shoots them out of the wall… [vocalizing] …like… 418 00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,057 More food. When she's gone to Costco, "Oh…" [vocalizing] 419 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,976 And then he's like, "Huh?" 420 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,436 Ear, "Oh!" 421 00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,188 Because he's like, "Are there ghosts?" 422 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,274 And instead of being scared, 423 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,651 he's like, "I'll worry about the paranormal activity later." 424 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,153 Let me eat this fucking Snausage. 425 00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:10,404 So he's like… [moaning] 426 00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:14,199 Crawls over, like, under the barbed wire like boot camp. You know? [grunting] 427 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,368 Then he gets to it and he's like… [sniffing] 428 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,203 [breathing deeply] 429 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:20,873 "What am I doing 430 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,417 with my life, 431 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,794 eating constantly, and…" 432 00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:30,591 "My life is on a circle of just stupid munching and getting fatter." 433 00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:33,802 "Obviously, I'm gonna eat it. I'm just sort of thinking out loud, but…" 434 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:34,970 [chomping] 435 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:35,971 Then… [vocalizing] 436 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,473 …back to the couch. 437 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:38,974 And then, when I come over, 438 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,060 I go, "Scooby!" 439 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,352 And Scooby's like this. 440 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,271 "Ah, come here." 441 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:45,481 [crowd laughing] 442 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,816 I go, "Fuck you! Scooby, you run to the door." 443 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,069 "I'm the people, you know?" And he's like, 444 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,987 "Sit with Scoob! Come here." 445 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,363 "Come on." 446 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,157 "Have a little sit with Scooby." 447 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,242 Get fucked. 448 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,619 [David chuckling lightly] 449 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,537 I shouldn't say that to a dog, but you know. 450 00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,206 You know how it goes. 451 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,836 [whispering] Scooby… I'm not gonna tell you about that. 452 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,756 I will tell you that my neck gives me trouble. 453 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,758 So I got a massage. 454 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,677 I try to get a professional massage 455 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,096 at a very nice hotel. 456 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,265 So I go to the masseuse. You know, I call down. 457 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:23,310 And I don't wanna sound like a creepo, but I go, "Can I get a girl masseuse?" 458 00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:26,563 I always do. Give me a girl so I look like the tough one. You know? 459 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,565 -[crowd laughing] -[David laughing] 460 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:32,402 So they go, "Sure, it's not a… it's not a problem." 461 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,863 But here it is five o'clock. And I'm like… [moaning] 462 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,573 -Then I hear… -[thudding] 463 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,158 I go, "Good God." 464 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,076 I walk over. 465 00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:40,744 [honking] I look through, 466 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,831 and it's 6'5" Dolph Lundgren… 467 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:44,748 [groaning] 468 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,584 …like, out there, and I go, "No, no." 469 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,544 I go, 470 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,964 "I'm sorry. Are you looking for the steroid machine?" He goes, 471 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,133 [in accent] "I am masseuse." 472 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:57,094 I go, "No, no, no. Not for me." 473 00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:59,763 "I said a girl." He goes, "There is no girls left." 474 00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,348 "It's just me, but I'm a teddy bear." 475 00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,724 I go… [chuckling] 476 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,769 "I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't want it." 477 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,064 He goes, "No, trust me." 478 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,816 "I look big and strong." 479 00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:13,193 "I'm a teddy bear, and they charge you either way." 480 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,611 I go, "All right. Come on in." 481 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:18,824 Because my chintziness, you know, won that one. 482 00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,577 So he comes in, and I go, "Let's just try it out." 483 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,746 So he picks me up like a ragdoll and throws me on the… 484 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,416 I go, "I can get on the table, sir." 485 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,668 [crowd laughing] 486 00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,129 Makes me sound like the biggest pussy. He goes… [grunting] 487 00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,255 I go… 488 00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:34,506 [crowd laughing] 489 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:37,384 And then I go… [grunting] …like I can barely get on the table. 490 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,095 I go, "Okay. Well, I didn't know it was this high." 491 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,013 And so… 492 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,932 I put my face in the circle, and then, 493 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,602 "You let me know if there's any instructions 494 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:50,022 because again, I am a…" I go, "Yeah, yeah. Teddy bear. Just go." 495 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,483 So… Because I'm the type that never complains in the massage. 496 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,444 And he goes like this… 497 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,862 [crunching] 498 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:57,905 My face is going…. 499 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,364 [groaning loudly] 500 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,909 Then he goes snap on my neck. I go… [screaming] 501 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,286 Then I, finally… I just go, "A little lighter." And he goes… 502 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:05,287 [shushing] 503 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,956 [crowd laughing] 504 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,461 You don't shush. 505 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,879 I'm the customer. 506 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:16,715 And then he goes… 507 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,674 [crunching] 508 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,468 I'm like, "Ugh, ooh, aah." 509 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:20,844 Keeps going. Keeps going. 510 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,597 I'm in horrifying pain for a solid hour. 511 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,016 Everything's painful. Nothing's fun about it. 512 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,352 And I had the balls right in the middle to go, 513 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,645 "Maybe pull it back 10%." 514 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:30,729 [shushing] 515 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,357 I shushed like a pussy. 516 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,319 I lay down there, hor-- And then I get up and tip him. 517 00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,570 Psycho. 518 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:39,488 I'm psycho. 519 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,114 Tip. 520 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,741 The worst. 521 00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:43,784 I tip. 522 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,369 [crowd laughing] 523 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:46,912 I go, "Dude…" And then I apologize. 524 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:51,458 "I'm sorry. I just didn't mean to like… I just feel weird 'cause you're a guy, 525 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:55,754 and I… I don't like to feel arm hair on my back, 526 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:58,882 or your boner jamming in my ribs, you know?" 527 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:00,717 "I'm old-school." 528 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,761 [crowd laughing] 529 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,846 But my friend said, "Oh, if your neck hurts, 530 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,849 go to this weed store in LA on the street called Yucca." 531 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,309 Yucca, you don't even need to know. 532 00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:12,437 It's the skankiest, roughest street in Hollywood. 533 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,274 It's so gross. Everyone's getting killed there at all times. 534 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,233 I never go on it. 535 00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:18,568 I don't even go to the 7-Eleven there. And then they go… 536 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,070 You're supposed to park 537 00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:23,365 and just voluntarily go in a place on the worst street in America 538 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:26,868 where when there's a shooting, even cops go, "It's Yucca." 539 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,787 You know? They text each other, 540 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,956 "Yucca." Shrug emoji. 541 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:31,999 [crowd laughing] 542 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,458 Squirt gun. Hey. 543 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:36,128 So I go. 544 00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:40,257 And it's not the Apple clean, iPhone store. 545 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,843 No. It's… Looks like World War Z. 546 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:43,927 And then… 547 00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,345 [crowd laughing] 548 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,055 …I voluntarily go into this shithole, 549 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,433 and I'm like, "Hey," and then this guy is like… [groaning] 550 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:51,852 I go, "Hey man, I need some weed pen or something." 551 00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:53,228 He goes… [nervously chuckling] 552 00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:55,897 I go, "Do you work here?" He goes… [groaning sheepishly] 553 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,942 "I'm… I have anxiety." 554 00:21:59,026 --> 00:21:59,860 I go, 555 00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:03,280 "I don't give a shit, dude. I'm sorry, but like…" 556 00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,949 He goes, "Ugh. My job is hard." 557 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:07,576 I go, 558 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,245 "Dude, I hated every job I had my whole life." 559 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,414 I can't take younger kids that wanna quit everything. 560 00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:14,958 I go, "Dude, let me tell you some bad news." 561 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,962 "I had anxiety from when I was born till right now." 562 00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,381 "It doesn't get easier, dude. It all sucks." 563 00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:24,051 "And if you quit, you'll freak out that you don't have a job." 564 00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,011 "So just stick it out, dude. I'm telling you." 565 00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,722 "You think I like being a dishwasher and a busboy? Just do it." 566 00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:30,891 He's like, "Ah. Stress!" 567 00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:32,517 [crowd laughing] 568 00:22:34,394 --> 00:22:36,897 So then the owner comes out. "Hey, Mr. Spade." 569 00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:38,357 He puffs up a little bit. 570 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,816 "Hey, Jimmy. We got him." 571 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,276 "I got you, boss." 572 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,362 "Hey, take care of Mr. Spade." 573 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,572 "You get him a, uh… get him some fentanyl crab cakes." 574 00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:47,741 "And will you get him… [smacking lips] 575 00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:48,909 …some, uh… [clicking tongue] 576 00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:50,827 …uh, LSD candy corn." 577 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:53,538 So I go, "No, no. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." 578 00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:56,833 He goes, "Well, at least have a gummy on me as an app--" 579 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,753 I go like this… [chewing] He goes, "Well, don't eat it all." I go… 580 00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:01,546 [crowd laughing] 581 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,590 "Don't eat all of that thing?" 582 00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:04,966 He goes, "Just eat the ear." 583 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,970 I go, "Fuck you. It's one inch of food! Dude, I'm eating it all." 584 00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:10,180 [crowd laughing] 585 00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:12,766 "I should have the ear? That's this big." 586 00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:16,103 He goes, "Oh, you're gonna be all fucked up." I go, "Well…" 587 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:19,689 "I don't know. If you give me a cookie, I eat it all." 588 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,275 "Don't tell me to, you know, eat one crumb at a time." 589 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:23,985 "Like, put each one in a baggie." 590 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,154 "Like, that's a hit. Like, I get it." 591 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:31,076 I don't like all this shit because I have… I have vodka soda and two gets me drunk, 592 00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:33,036 three is too much, but I can gauge it. 593 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,788 This is like… I don't know what's happening. 594 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:37,541 "I can't have an inch?" "No, I wouldn't." I go… 595 00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:38,708 [crowd laughing] 596 00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:40,627 Fentanyl crab cakes. 597 00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:43,130 Meanwhile, fentanyl is, like, the worst thing in the world. 598 00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:44,256 You guys know, it's… 599 00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:46,049 I read it's 100 times stronger than heroin. 600 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:47,843 [scattered laughing] 601 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:49,094 Uh, I'm sorry. What? 602 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:50,554 What? 603 00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:54,766 Not three, not four, 100 times. 604 00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:56,560 America, 605 00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:59,688 how fucked up do we really need to be? 606 00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,982 I mean, good God! 607 00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:04,568 And since when was heroin for pussies? 608 00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,736 Honestly, when did that happen? 609 00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,405 "You're still doing heroin?" 610 00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,949 "No, no. Just till my fentanyl guy gets here. No, no." 611 00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:12,701 "No, no. Heroin's like ZzzQuil." 612 00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:15,579 "No. I just relax. I just do it to chill." 613 00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:18,081 [crowd laughing] 614 00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:20,750 Jesus. 615 00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:25,213 I've been offered drugs, and I wish people would be honest. 616 00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:27,966 Like, when people offer me drugs, I act cool 617 00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:30,385 if I don't want it, 618 00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,179 but I don't just say that. 619 00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:34,723 I'm such a loser. Like, someone offered me heroin. 620 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:35,724 I'd never seen it. 621 00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:39,895 This guy goes, "Spade." I go, "What's up?" They go, "Want some heroin? I go, "Uh…" 622 00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:42,481 "I'm good." 623 00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:44,983 What am I? What's the pause about? 624 00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:46,026 What am I doing? 625 00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:47,944 What am I wrestling with? 626 00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:50,697 I'm not doing it, but I had to be cool. 627 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:54,409 I go, "Uh, shit, I just ate. Oh…" 628 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:57,287 "Um, God damn. What time is it? Uh…" 629 00:24:57,871 --> 00:25:00,665 "Fuck! Oh, that looks like a good batch too." 630 00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:02,459 [crowd laughing] 631 00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:03,376 Batch? 632 00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:05,754 "Oh, looks chunky." 633 00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:08,924 "Improving." 634 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:12,552 "Oh, man, that looks like it's really got some fucked up shit." 635 00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:15,096 I don't know what I'm saying. But then I go, "You know what?" 636 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:17,557 "Can you find me again? Ask me in a half-hour." 637 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,184 "You swear to God you'll come find me?" 638 00:25:19,267 --> 00:25:20,685 He's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Cool." 639 00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:22,437 [trilling] 640 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,897 Run to my car and cry. 641 00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,900 Because honestly, if I saw heroin, 642 00:25:26,983 --> 00:25:30,320 I'd really want to jump on a stool and go "Eek, a mouse," you know, but… 643 00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:31,279 [crowd laughing] 644 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:33,865 I, uh… 645 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,409 Oh, I look good? Thank you. 646 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,702 Did you say that? 647 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:38,870 Was I thinking that? 648 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,121 -[girl whooping] -I… 649 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:41,915 No. I… It's funny, 'cause… 650 00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:44,251 I… I've always weighed about 140. 651 00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:46,378 And the subject of weight is funny, 'cause with guys… 652 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:48,213 Girls have a lot of pressure about weight, 653 00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:51,007 and guys don't really, but you try to stay in shape. 654 00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,761 And I remember I got weighed the last time when I was about, you know, 30. 655 00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,972 And I weighed about 140. 656 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,974 And then for the rest of my life 657 00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:00,517 I said I weighed 140. 658 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,769 I never checked again. I never looked again. 659 00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:03,937 [crowd laughing] 660 00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:05,605 "What's your weight?" "140." 661 00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:11,736 So… But, you know, you fluctuate. So I porked up a little along the way. 662 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:14,698 And it sort of backfired on me 'cause I was… 663 00:26:14,781 --> 00:26:16,908 I was doing a movie, and when you do movie, 664 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:20,870 you have to get, uh, a physical for insurance. 665 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:22,664 So here's a little inside Hollywood for you. 666 00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:24,583 So every TV show or movie you have to do this. 667 00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:28,920 And when we were doing Grown Ups, I had to go in and get, uh, tested for it. 668 00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:31,047 And Grown Ups is a movie you've probably seen 669 00:26:31,131 --> 00:26:34,551 because we've been keeping the lights on at TBS for the last five years. 670 00:26:34,634 --> 00:26:36,720 -[crowd cheering] -You almost can't not see it. 671 00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:38,346 It's like A Clockwork Orange. 672 00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,432 [crowd laughing] 673 00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:41,600 So… 674 00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:44,394 Anyway, I get called in and the doctor… 675 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:47,022 But they're so… they're such quick meetings, 676 00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:47,939 they're almost fake. 677 00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:49,190 So I don't even want to go in. 678 00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:50,358 This is how bad I'm getting. 679 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:53,445 So the doctor calls me and goes, "Hey, come in for a physical." 680 00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,281 I go, "Can we just do this on the phone, dude?" He goes… 681 00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:58,825 "Do, you know, a physical exam on the phone?" 682 00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:00,493 I go, "Yeah. You've seen me on TMZ." 683 00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,787 "I'm out there jumping around. I'm all good." 684 00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:03,705 [crowd laughing] 685 00:27:03,788 --> 00:27:05,290 He goes, "No. I'd like you to come in." 686 00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,293 So I go, "Adam's not gonna like this." 687 00:27:09,919 --> 00:27:13,006 Oh, I shove Sandler down their gullet whenever I can. 688 00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:15,467 Just to get him quaking in his boots. 689 00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:16,426 [crowd laughing] 690 00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:18,136 But he goes, "No. Just come in." 691 00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,805 I use it all the time, actually. I use it at Taco Bell. 692 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,641 "Oh, you don't have the chalupa today?" 693 00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:24,976 "Adam's not gonna like this." 694 00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:27,062 [crowd laughing] 695 00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:31,066 "You got it now?" 696 00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,902 He's like, "Who's Adam?" So it doesn't always work. 697 00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:34,819 But… 698 00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:38,698 So here I am, I go in to the doctor and he's like, blood pressure this. 699 00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:39,949 He goes, "How much you weigh?" 700 00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:41,618 I go, "140. He goes, "140?" 701 00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:44,537 "Is that what you're trying to pull off?" I go… 702 00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,539 [crowd laughing] 703 00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,626 "Sir, I'm 140 and scribble it down." He goes… 704 00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:51,920 "Why don't you jump on the scale 705 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,381 and I'll make an honest man out of you." I go… 706 00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:58,885 "Dude, I was kidding earlier, but Adam is not gonna like this." 707 00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:01,638 He's like… [whistling] "I'll risk it so…" 708 00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:08,395 So I go over to this old man doctor stick scale thing. 709 00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:11,106 You know, with the two sticks and little cinder blocks. 710 00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:14,067 Little black cinder blocks. I go, "These are 50 each, right?" 711 00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:18,113 So… [speaking gibberish] I'm gonna put this on 100. 712 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,864 And then… [clacking] …the one-pounder, 713 00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:22,450 I'm going to put on… [clacking] …45. 714 00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:25,662 "I'm 145, 'cause I'm such a fat ox, according to you." 715 00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:26,913 But I'm kind of scared. 716 00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:28,748 "What is he talking about?" So I go like this… 717 00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:30,625 [yelling] You know… 718 00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:34,087 'Cause when I get on a scale, I go arms up, eyebrows up. 719 00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:35,630 Think feathers, you know. 720 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,549 'Cause you wanna be light. 721 00:28:37,632 --> 00:28:38,967 [crowd laughing] 722 00:28:39,050 --> 00:28:41,219 No one gets on a scale and goes… [straining] 723 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:42,220 You know… 724 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:44,639 I'm like Ariana Grande. 725 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:45,682 So… 726 00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:47,392 I go like that, it goes… 727 00:28:47,475 --> 00:28:48,852 [shouting] 728 00:28:48,935 --> 00:28:50,520 Everyone in the office goes… "Ow!" 729 00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:53,356 I go, "Oh, hey. I put on a few." 730 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,776 So now I'm panicking. [vocalizing] Sweat. 731 00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:59,738 And then he goes, "Uh, try again." And I go… [exhaling] 732 00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:01,531 "All right. Here we go." 733 00:29:01,614 --> 00:29:02,907 [clacking] 734 00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:03,950 Uh… [speaking gibberish] 735 00:29:04,033 --> 00:29:07,620 I put on 150 and then I take the little one-pounder and I go… 736 00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:08,830 [clacking] 737 00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:10,165 I put it on zero, I go, 738 00:29:10,832 --> 00:29:14,627 "Okay. I'm almost 150. Fuck, here we go." And then I'm like, "Oh my God." 739 00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:18,089 Wait a second. Shoes off. 740 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,592 Socks off. 741 00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:23,344 [whispering] Pants off. 742 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:26,097 -[crowd laughing] -Hat. Wallet. Watch. 743 00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:28,600 I have hairspray in my hair. Write that down. Here we go. 744 00:29:28,683 --> 00:29:29,934 [vocalizing] 745 00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:31,352 And this thing goes… [clacking] 746 00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:35,607 …and this guy comes over with the pure humiliation, over my face. 747 00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:38,193 [clacking] 748 00:29:38,276 --> 00:29:39,444 [crowd laughing] 749 00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:42,822 "What the fuck's happening?" 750 00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,618 "Oh, you're cramping up?" [clacking] 751 00:29:48,161 --> 00:29:50,705 [screeching] "Oh, it moved. Stop." 752 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,875 165. 753 00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:56,336 [groaning] 754 00:29:57,212 --> 00:29:58,713 [crowd laughing] 755 00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,341 165, I go, 756 00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:06,095 "There's no way I have 25 pounds of mystery weight 757 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,474 somewhere on my body that I don't even know about." 758 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:11,601 And he goes, 759 00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:13,853 "Adam's not gonna like this." 760 00:30:13,937 --> 00:30:17,273 [crowd laughing, applauding, cheering] 761 00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:20,944 [David] Ugh. 762 00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:23,863 My worst fear. 763 00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:24,864 [crowd chuckling] 764 00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:25,824 Then I told a girl, 765 00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:30,620 "Do you know I have 25 blubbery pounds rolling around in my body somewhere 766 00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,997 that I don't even know where it is?" 767 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:36,626 And she goes, "I know. I gained the first ten in my boobs." 768 00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:37,627 I go, 769 00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:41,798 "I'm sorry. Is that a fake problem you're trying to compare?" 770 00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:45,885 "Do you think if I gained the first ten pounds in my dick and balls, 771 00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:47,554 I'd be worried about it and crying?" 772 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:50,765 "Oh, my dick's so huge! I've been eating a lot!" 773 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,142 "Oh, and my balls. I have to wear sweats all day." 774 00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,019 "No. I'd be at Pizza Hut 775 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,231 with every other guy I know." 776 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:00,066 "Loading up." 777 00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:01,860 [crowd laughing] 778 00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:04,529 My real doctor says, "You need to come in for a colonoscopy." 779 00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:05,822 I'm like, "Ugh." 780 00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:07,782 I go, "I'm camera shy." 781 00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,868 [crowd laughing] 782 00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,703 Not very photogenic. And he goes, 783 00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:14,330 "You know, if you don't wanna do that, there's a thing you can do." 784 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:17,625 "If you want to try it where you sort of 785 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:21,504 go to the restroom in a box and you send it into the lab, 786 00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:22,839 and they check it." 787 00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,174 "And if you don't have cancer, you're off the hook." 788 00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:26,885 I go, "I'll do that. Like, let's do that." 789 00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:30,221 So I poop in a box… 790 00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:31,514 [crowd laughing] 791 00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:33,391 …I send it to the lab, 792 00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:35,977 they send it right back to me and say, 793 00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,271 "Please don't send us this." 794 00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:41,441 "Your doctor's playing a joke on you." 795 00:31:41,524 --> 00:31:42,650 [crowd laughing] 796 00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:46,738 "There's no way we can dig through a box of your dirty shit 797 00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:49,407 and find out if you have cancer. Are you an idiot?" 798 00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:54,495 "I dated him ten years ago. Tell him it's not funny anymore." 799 00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:56,205 Stop. 800 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:58,291 [crowd laughing] 801 00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:02,045 He goes, "Did you send it?" 802 00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:04,297 I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Excellent!" 803 00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,299 "I hate her." 804 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,636 Why am I in this? Why am I involved? 805 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:14,891 [David chuckling lightly] 806 00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:18,895 I had a great dinner tonight in one of your beautiful restaurants. 807 00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:20,563 Um, yeah. 808 00:32:20,647 --> 00:32:22,398 [crowd cheering, applauding] 809 00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:23,650 [David] Beautiful town. 810 00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,279 Actually, the hostess, uh, tried to strike up a little jibber-jabber, 811 00:32:28,363 --> 00:32:29,656 you know, which is fine, 812 00:32:29,739 --> 00:32:32,700 but usually goes nowhere because we're walking ten feet. You know? 813 00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:35,495 She goes, "Mr. Spade, we're so excited to have you." 814 00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:36,663 "How was your week?" 815 00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:39,040 I go, "I had a little bit of a health scare." "Here we are." 816 00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,626 [crowd laughing] 817 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,595 "I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't worry about it at all, you know." 818 00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,724 "I'll get a CAT scan. I'll CC the whole hostess team. I'm sure it's…" 819 00:32:58,017 --> 00:32:59,394 She didn't give a fuck. 820 00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:04,273 And then I sit down, and sometimes it's such a nice restaurant that the… 821 00:33:04,857 --> 00:33:06,275 the fish is market price. 822 00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,445 You ever seen that? They don't even tell you how much it is. 823 00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,532 I think the waiter tries to guess how rich you are, because I go, uh, 824 00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:15,326 "How much is the tuna?" He goes, "Um…" 825 00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,288 [whistling] "The tuna is…" 826 00:33:19,372 --> 00:33:21,165 [speaking gibberish] 827 00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,585 "Seventy." 828 00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,005 I go, "70 bucks?" He goes, "40, 40, 40." 829 00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,631 [crowd laughing] 830 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:29,841 Oh, it's not too bad. 831 00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:33,803 I think he has an earpiece in there like, "What is he wearing? Go lower." 832 00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:35,179 [crowd laughing] 833 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:37,807 "What? Is he wearing a cowboy shirt? Go lower." 834 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,018 [David chuckling] 835 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,397 Yeah, but sometimes just if they act too hoofy doofy, 836 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,774 I stupidly will say "shrimps" wrong, 837 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,609 just to see if they correct me. 838 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,194 So it's always 839 00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:51,738 so dumb. 840 00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:55,491 I go, "Do you guys have any shrimps?" 841 00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,201 And he goes… 842 00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:59,078 [crowd laughing] 843 00:33:59,162 --> 00:33:59,996 "Yeah." 844 00:34:00,538 --> 00:34:02,623 "Yeah. We do. We, uh… we do have shrimp." 845 00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:06,502 But he can't… he has to help me, but he doesn't… he just can't say it. 846 00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:10,089 And I go, "Oh yeah? Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool." 847 00:34:10,173 --> 00:34:12,717 "Do you have, uh, like, five shrimps?" 848 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:15,094 [crowd laughing] 849 00:34:15,928 --> 00:34:19,348 "Yeah. There's a scenario where you could get five shrimp." 850 00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:25,813 "There's no way you could take ten shrimps and jam 'em in a circle." 851 00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:27,315 "Make a shrimps cocktail." 852 00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:29,859 He's like, "No one ever said fucking shrimps cocktail 853 00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:31,402 in the history of the world." 854 00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:33,071 [crowd laughing] 855 00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:36,491 I go, "What are your fishes? Honestly. Do you have elks?" 856 00:34:37,867 --> 00:34:40,787 I like to go to McDonald's. I go, "What's your Filet o' Fish of the day?" 857 00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:41,871 [clearing throat] 858 00:34:42,455 --> 00:34:44,540 "I think yesterday was a branzino." 859 00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:46,834 "I think." 860 00:34:47,335 --> 00:34:48,544 [crowd laughing] 861 00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:49,921 Stupid. 862 00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:50,838 But then… 863 00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:54,842 my phone was running low and I was like, "Oh." 864 00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:57,970 I wanted to plug it in. The hostess goes, "I can plug it in for you." 865 00:34:58,054 --> 00:34:59,138 And I go… [groaning] 866 00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:02,308 "I'll just take it from you." 867 00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:03,226 I go… 868 00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:06,104 [groaning] 869 00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,648 [whispering] Terrifying. 870 00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:11,609 She goes, "It'll be just around the corner." 871 00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,945 I go, "Where I can't even see it?" 872 00:35:14,028 --> 00:35:14,946 [crowd laughing] 873 00:35:15,029 --> 00:35:16,114 I'm not giving it up. 874 00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:17,698 Now I know how Alec Baldwin felt. 875 00:35:17,782 --> 00:35:18,699 I get it, man. 876 00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,329 You don't want to give up that phone. There's too much stuff on it. 877 00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:26,082 They take his phone, they're looking for one thing. 878 00:35:26,165 --> 00:35:27,208 Some text saying, 879 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,669 "I'm gonna put real bullets in the gun and surprise everyone." 880 00:35:29,752 --> 00:35:31,087 If it's not that, 881 00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:33,673 what are you looking for? 882 00:35:33,756 --> 00:35:37,009 I don't want that hostess to roll through my camera, you know, 883 00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:40,388 and find those 500 dick pics that didn't make the cut. 884 00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:41,514 [crowd laughing] 885 00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:43,141 Did not make the cut. 886 00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,726 Mine's not showing well, guys. I got bad news. 887 00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:49,147 What? You know. And that's… you gotta… 888 00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:51,482 That's currency. I mean, this is a new world. 889 00:35:52,191 --> 00:35:54,569 That's… You used to have to do that. 890 00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,529 You know what I mean? At the end. 891 00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:59,949 Now you lead with it. Hey. Here's my dick. If you wanna… 892 00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,412 You like it? You wanna meet for coffee? 893 00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:06,539 We have any chemistry or… 894 00:36:06,622 --> 00:36:07,999 So far so good. 895 00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,879 I'm so old you used to, uh, have to sketch out your dick to give it to a girl. 896 00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:14,547 You know? Like, before cameras. 897 00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:15,965 [crowd laughing] 898 00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:17,008 Shading. 899 00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:21,220 But actually, I told my friend, 900 00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,097 I go, "Are you taking these pictures or…" 901 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:25,892 And he goes, "Yeah." And I go, "You are?" 902 00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:29,770 I go, "Show me one, but don't be a weirdo, but I want to see. Like what…" 903 00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:32,148 And he shows it to me and it's like this. 904 00:36:32,231 --> 00:36:34,358 I go, "You didn't even get a courtesy rod?" 905 00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:37,862 He goes, "She knows if she likes it, I send the…" 906 00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:40,656 I go, "That's not how it works, dude." 907 00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:43,534 "It's like Eminem. You get one shot." 908 00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:44,869 "You're out!" 909 00:36:44,952 --> 00:36:46,537 "No one's looking for potential." 910 00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:48,080 "What are you talking about?" 911 00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:50,583 And I asked this girl, I go, 912 00:36:50,666 --> 00:36:52,960 "Uh, do you get 'em?" She goes, "Ugh. They're horrifying." 913 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,379 I go, "Well, I have to take one. So, what do I do?" 914 00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,840 And she goes, "There was one." 915 00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:00,051 I go, "Okay. What was the one you liked?" 916 00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:02,929 She goes, "Well, he was laying on his side. It was from his feet up 917 00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:05,264 and he had it in a chokehold, on his elbow." I go… 918 00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:08,809 "I gotta get my buddy involved?" 919 00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:13,564 That's so horrible. "Hey. Before the movie, real quick." 920 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,942 "Just gonna take everything off." 921 00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:17,693 "Don't be weird. And I'm gonna lay down, 922 00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:20,947 I'm gonna slap together a partial, get a little floater going." 923 00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:22,323 "I'm gonna slam it in a drawer." 924 00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:24,825 "Just get some… a couple ccs of plasma." 925 00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:26,953 "And listen, I'm gonna choke it, 926 00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,996 and you take pictures on three. All right?" 927 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,749 "And, actually, take my camera and you're gonna take way too many." 928 00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:33,292 "I'll do the kills later." 929 00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:34,877 "Just… [trilling] …like, go nuts." 930 00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:36,212 "All right? 1, 2, 3." 931 00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:39,090 Choke, choke, choke. Go, go, go. Now, now, now. 932 00:37:39,173 --> 00:37:41,175 [crowd laughing] 933 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:44,011 It's worse than helping me move. 934 00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:48,266 I tried it. I go, "I'm just gonna take it in my house." 935 00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,142 Like, the worst lighting. I know nothing. 936 00:37:50,226 --> 00:37:52,478 I'm just like, "In kitchen." 937 00:37:52,561 --> 00:37:53,562 [crowd laughing] 938 00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,398 [speaking gibberish] 939 00:37:55,481 --> 00:37:56,607 Just naked. 940 00:37:57,775 --> 00:37:59,902 Horrifying fluorescent gross lighting. 941 00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:00,945 Really bad. 942 00:38:01,028 --> 00:38:02,029 Uh, 943 00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:03,864 backyard drone shot. 944 00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,408 [buzzing] 945 00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:07,868 But I had a rod. So, it sort of canceled it out. You know? 946 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,620 It was like a sundial. 947 00:38:09,704 --> 00:38:10,871 [crowd laughing] 948 00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:12,206 And then I took one from behind. 949 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,332 [speaking gibberish] 950 00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:14,458 My dick wasn't even in it. 951 00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,169 But you know what? I'm trying things. 952 00:38:17,253 --> 00:38:18,421 I'm brainstorming. 953 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:20,548 It was all balls. 954 00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,633 [crowd laughing] 955 00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:25,386 It was a niche market. [chuckling] 956 00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:28,306 And don't lay down on a couch, guys. 957 00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:30,766 You get that bird in a nest look. That's… 958 00:38:31,267 --> 00:38:33,060 [crowd laughing] 959 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:34,020 …unappealing. 960 00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,482 A lot of unfollows, a couple of blocks. 961 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,151 Two reports. 962 00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:42,695 [David laughing] 963 00:38:46,115 --> 00:38:48,951 Ugh, I'm trying to watch more porn. 964 00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:50,786 It's tough, you know? I just… 965 00:38:51,662 --> 00:38:53,289 Actually, I have some good news. 966 00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:56,459 I did have a threesome recently in college. 967 00:38:56,542 --> 00:38:57,752 -[crowd cheering] -Yeah. 968 00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,380 The college threesome is, um… 969 00:39:02,548 --> 00:39:03,758 Wasn't great. I, uh… 970 00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:06,469 It was me, my buddy, and this other dude and here's what happened. 971 00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:07,678 Here's how we did it. 972 00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:09,221 -[crowd laughing] -You know, here's… 973 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:10,264 Listen. 974 00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,101 The third was supposed to be a girl. That was the whole plan. 975 00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:15,895 And then we had it all set up 976 00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:18,397 and then she flaked at the last minute. 977 00:39:18,481 --> 00:39:20,983 And I said, "Let's just grab him. Let's just run through it once." 978 00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:24,153 "Let's just get the beats down. Let's just see if it even works." 979 00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:25,071 I mean, 980 00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:26,947 do the blocking. 981 00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,825 And uh, in hindsight it was a little gay. 982 00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:33,371 You know what? Because I didn't think it through and it was. 983 00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:34,288 It was fine. 984 00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:37,541 But later… about ten years later I had another one, 985 00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:40,961 but that was screwy because it was me and a guy and a girl. 986 00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,839 We're in a hotel room getting ready for a concert, everyone's drinking, 987 00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,966 and someone goes, "Let's do a threesome." 988 00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:48,469 Everyone's like, "Yeah." No one really knows what that means. 989 00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:51,931 And so I go to get a drink and then they hook up 990 00:39:52,014 --> 00:39:54,183 and he walks away and goes, "You're up." 991 00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:56,268 -And I go… -[crowd laughing] 992 00:39:57,978 --> 00:40:00,189 This feels like sloppy seconds to me. 993 00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:04,568 Am I crazy? I mean, it was sold to me. 994 00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:08,906 I feel like I might have some legal recourse 995 00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:11,409 because… There should be a lawyer commercial for this 996 00:40:11,492 --> 00:40:12,910 'cause there is for everything else. 997 00:40:12,993 --> 00:40:16,288 "Have you ever been sold a threesome and it was really sloppy seconds?" 998 00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,582 Yes! Yes, I have. 999 00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:22,002 "You may be entitled to some compensation." 1000 00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:23,087 [crowd laughing] 1001 00:40:23,170 --> 00:40:24,088 Ah. 1002 00:40:24,630 --> 00:40:27,216 This is my mesothelioma, guys. Let's… 1003 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:33,097 But I try to watch porn. 1004 00:40:33,180 --> 00:40:35,558 You ever watch porn websites? My buddy goes, "Watch this one." 1005 00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:37,309 I go, "Oh, I can't watch another one." 1006 00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:39,353 I've only seen, like, 500 million videos, but I go, 1007 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:41,397 "Oh, I'll see what's out there." You know. 1008 00:40:42,314 --> 00:40:44,650 But I don't wanna get stuck for three days. 1009 00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,360 You know, I just want to go in and out. 1010 00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,737 So I just type in "hand job video," the easiest one. 1011 00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:50,739 Just… just get… get a feel for it. 1012 00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:56,203 So it comes up and then under it it says, "Other videos we think you'll like." 1013 00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,664 [crowd laughing] 1014 00:40:58,747 --> 00:41:02,460 Have you ever seen the other videos they think you'll like? 1015 00:41:03,752 --> 00:41:06,755 First one, "Teenager gets gangbanged in an elevator." 1016 00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:08,674 I'm like, "I'd like that?" 1017 00:41:08,757 --> 00:41:10,551 "Yeah. Yes, you would." 1018 00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,470 I go, "No. I did hand jobs." 1019 00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,221 "That's the ea-- That's nothing." 1020 00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:17,558 "No. We've run some analytics on you." 1021 00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:19,977 "No, you haven't. I punched three keys." 1022 00:41:20,060 --> 00:41:22,897 "You're in a really dark place right now." "I am?" 1023 00:41:22,980 --> 00:41:23,939 "Hand job." 1024 00:41:25,816 --> 00:41:28,110 "Oh, you're gonna watch it now or in a week from now." 1025 00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:30,779 "What's it gonna be?" I'm like, "Ugh. Now." 1026 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,156 [crowd laughing] 1027 00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:34,074 This thing knows me better than my therapist. 1028 00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:37,912 But I did think that they all have big wieners. 1029 00:41:37,995 --> 00:41:40,789 And I was like, "Ugh. I wish I had a huge porn wiener." 1030 00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:41,749 And then… 1031 00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:46,295 And then I thought, "But do I?" Like, this'll probably never happen, 1032 00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:49,006 but if I find a bottle, if there's a genie in it… 1033 00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:52,968 And so many things have to happen, but let's say… [whisping] …it comes out 1034 00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:55,095 and he goes, "You get one wish." 1035 00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:56,722 No, wait. I can't do it. 1036 00:41:56,805 --> 00:41:58,224 You know what I mean, 'cause… 1037 00:41:58,307 --> 00:41:59,808 Too selfish. 1038 00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:02,895 There's so much going on I could fix. You know? 1039 00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:06,106 I wouldn't do it. If I had ten wishes. 1040 00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:08,442 [groaning] 1041 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:10,903 I'd probably bury it toward the end. You know? 1042 00:42:11,403 --> 00:42:13,822 When the genie wasn't even paying attention anymore. Like… 1043 00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:17,785 I'd get all the good ones. I'd cure this… [muttering] …but at the end, yeah. 1044 00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:20,162 But if I had five, that's a tricky one. 1045 00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:21,872 Five? [groaning] 1046 00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:27,169 Don't make me even think about it because I think it would be number five. 1047 00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:28,504 I know. 1048 00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:33,759 I'd cure some stuff, but fuck, sometimes the house wins. You know? 1049 00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,720 That's how it works in Vegas, man. 1050 00:42:36,804 --> 00:42:37,930 [crowd laughing] 1051 00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,348 Shiite. 1052 00:42:40,641 --> 00:42:43,185 No, but I was, uh, on the old laptop. 1053 00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:45,271 You know what clickbait is? You do. 1054 00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:49,233 Clickbait is… I'll tell you. I did a show in Nashville. 1055 00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:51,860 Someone had a, uh, seizure in the back, 1056 00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,155 and they dragged him out, and then the next day on Yahoo 1057 00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:58,742 it said, "David Spade stops show because of seizure." 1058 00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:01,412 So it's sort of a clicky headline that doesn't… 1059 00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:04,164 You don't know what it means, but it's a trick to get you to click on. 1060 00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:07,209 Usually you click on it and you go down all these wormholes, 1061 00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,712 and it's all these windows and it's like a trick. 1062 00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:12,131 So it's better than every other article. 1063 00:43:12,214 --> 00:43:13,132 So here I am stupid. 1064 00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:16,677 I know what it is and I'm watching, and it's like "Cardi B does this," 1065 00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,387 and "Minnesota weather," and then it says, 1066 00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:21,807 "What's the one vegetable Tom Brady refuses to eat?" 1067 00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,892 [crowd laughing] 1068 00:43:26,895 --> 00:43:27,730 What? 1069 00:43:28,772 --> 00:43:30,316 So stupid. Who cares? 1070 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,654 What is it, a coconut? 1071 00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,364 [crowd laughing] 1072 00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,617 It's so dumb. And then I go down. 1073 00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:44,288 But it's all blurry because I can't focus because that's all I think about. 1074 00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:45,331 And they got me. 1075 00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:48,042 So I go all the way back and I clicked on it, 1076 00:43:48,125 --> 00:43:49,627 and here we go. 1077 00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,671 First window. "Tom Brady was born in Northern California." 1078 00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:57,051 Mm-hmm. 1079 00:43:58,052 --> 00:43:58,886 Next. 1080 00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:02,890 "Tom Brady started playing football at the age of seven." 1081 00:44:02,973 --> 00:44:04,975 [crowd laughing] 1082 00:44:09,521 --> 00:44:10,481 [smacking lips] 1083 00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:14,526 Where are the fucking vegetables 1084 00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:16,862 that you swore to God 1085 00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:18,364 you would tell me about? 1086 00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:22,618 I'll save you 27 clicks. 1087 00:44:22,701 --> 00:44:24,787 It's a tomato, ladies and gentlemen. 1088 00:44:25,287 --> 00:44:26,121 I was way off. 1089 00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:31,543 But I can't take it because four minutes later I'm down there. 1090 00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,004 Weather? Football? And it goes, 1091 00:44:34,088 --> 00:44:37,424 "You'll never guess what this '80s actress looks like now." 1092 00:44:37,508 --> 00:44:39,510 [crowd laughing] 1093 00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:45,891 Oh boy. 1094 00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:49,853 Um, I will save you 55 clicks and two and a half hours. 1095 00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,106 She looks like shit, ladies and gentlemen. 1096 00:44:54,233 --> 00:44:55,234 It's so mean. 1097 00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:57,611 I mean, she aged 30 years in 30 years. 1098 00:44:57,695 --> 00:44:58,987 That was her big crime. 1099 00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:04,159 Sorry she doesn't look like she did on Gilligan's Island. You know? 1100 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:08,205 And the next one said, "Look at this motherfu…" 1101 00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:09,248 It was me. 1102 00:45:09,331 --> 00:45:11,333 [crowd laughing] 1103 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:14,628 "What happened to this guy?" 1104 00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:16,672 And it was a good picture. 1105 00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:21,009 Oh boy, but that's not… 1106 00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:23,429 That's neither here nor there, guys. 1107 00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:25,222 [groaning] 1108 00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,226 I remember the last day before the old, um… 1109 00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,353 You know, lockdown. 1110 00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:33,313 My big day was… Went to IHOP. 1111 00:45:34,481 --> 00:45:35,983 -You do know what IHOP is? -[man] I do. 1112 00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,943 Okay. We're getting somewhere. 1113 00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:38,902 Um, 1114 00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,655 and I found a hair in my eggs, 1115 00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:42,948 and I ate them anyway. 1116 00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:44,241 Here's what happened. 1117 00:45:44,324 --> 00:45:47,453 I didn't wanna wait 20 minutes to… for new ones, 1118 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,122 and there was no witnesses. 1119 00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:52,291 But it was a pube. I should've said that. 1120 00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:54,918 -[crowd laughing] -That makes it a little weird. Right? 1121 00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:58,046 Little wiggly pube. You can tell a pube on sight. 1122 00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:01,592 It's got a little wessonality to it. You know? 1123 00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,261 And it was still attached to the guy's balls. 1124 00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:05,554 That was the worst part. 1125 00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:06,889 [crowd laughing] 1126 00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:09,892 I ate around it. I didn't care. He didn't care. I didn't care. 1127 00:46:10,559 --> 00:46:12,853 But he didn't work there. I thought… 1128 00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:16,440 So, by the way, pubes are out there 1129 00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:18,776 and I know girls are like, "Oh, I'm hardwood, not carpet," 1130 00:46:18,859 --> 00:46:20,486 but guys… 1131 00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:21,987 Oh, 1132 00:46:22,070 --> 00:46:23,113 it is Mount Pubic. 1133 00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:25,949 If you've ever been to the urinal here… here, 1134 00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:29,745 There's maybe 50,000 pubes in it 1135 00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,497 and I… I don't know how. 1136 00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:33,332 You go in there, 1137 00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:35,709 just pull your wiener out and pee. 1138 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,754 What's the ruckus and commotion? 1139 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:41,757 It's like you're cleaning a brush. 1140 00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,258 -[yelling] -[crowd laughing] 1141 00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:46,428 Wha… What? And there's ten on the upper deck. 1142 00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:49,848 Are they, like… They're… they're making a break for it. 1143 00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:50,849 Anyway, I don't know. 1144 00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:54,269 I'm not gonna fix that tonight, but that makes me crazy. 1145 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,689 So I'm brainwashed into liking beavers 1146 00:46:57,773 --> 00:47:00,651 because I grew up with bushes. 1147 00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:04,655 I grew up with Hustler and Penthouse and Play-- You know. 1148 00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:06,824 All these had a bush, 1149 00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:08,659 and a girl… 1150 00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:11,245 I finally s-saw one. I go, "Oh, your bush." 1151 00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:13,664 The girl goes, "Yeah, 'cause I grew up. I'm a woman now." 1152 00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:15,999 "That's what happens. What do you like? Bald?" 1153 00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,835 "Like a nine-year-old? Like a child molester?" 1154 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:18,961 I go, "No, no." 1155 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:20,879 But now, 1156 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:22,673 any girl. 1157 00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:25,008 "You don't have a bush?" They go, "Is that what you like?" 1158 00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:25,968 I go, 1159 00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:30,097 "No, I like, um, bald nine-year-old, child molester." 1160 00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:32,808 She's like, "Good, good. That's what you're getting." 1161 00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:34,685 I'm like, "What is the real story?" 1162 00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:37,271 I mean, girls, get together, figure it out because 1163 00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:39,565 the first one makes sense. 1164 00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,442 And by the way, it wasn't just a cute little landing strip. 1165 00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:43,569 Not when I started. 1166 00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:46,780 Oh no. It was a babushka. 1167 00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:49,116 -Oh my God. -[crowd laughing] 1168 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:51,451 It was like home plate. You know what I mean? 1169 00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:54,121 Like, down the legs a little. 1170 00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,164 It was like crab grass. You know what I mean? 1171 00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:58,959 Tickling the ribs a little. There's no rules. 1172 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,085 It was lawless. 1173 00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:02,045 [crowd laughing] 1174 00:48:02,754 --> 00:48:05,799 They'd wear those old undies, looked like an airbag went off. 1175 00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:08,135 [David laughing] 1176 00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:10,762 I'd sleep on it like a My Pillow commercial. 1177 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,473 [crowd laughing hysterically] 1178 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:19,062 You'd take it off and pull on them they're three and a half feet long. 1179 00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:20,063 [boinging] 1180 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:21,773 Jam down. 1181 00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:24,192 [groaning] 1182 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,821 So I went to Macy's the other day to buy some, uh… 1183 00:48:28,447 --> 00:48:31,116 Just some things. I had to get socks. I had to get a shirt. 1184 00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,327 So I go… I go to the Macy's in the Valley. 1185 00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:35,078 Uh, 1186 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:38,123 it's farther, but I'm about 9% more famous over that one, 1187 00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:41,460 so it's worth the drive, you know. 1188 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,253 I have an app that tells me. 1189 00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,714 So I go over there and… 1190 00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:49,927 First thing I wanna get is socks, but they don't sell socks like shoes. 1191 00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,553 It's not size 8, 9, 10. 1192 00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:54,598 It's literally "fits sizes 5 to 28." 1193 00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,811 I'm just glad they don't sell condoms like that, you know. 1194 00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,356 "Fits sizes Asian to Black guy." 1195 00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:05,776 Because I… I sort of know that I'm all… 1196 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,695 By the way, here's a trick, guys. Here's a tip. 1197 00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,198 Buy those Magnum rubs. 1198 00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:12,950 You know what I mean? The really big ones? 1199 00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,118 Just to, like, get girls in a good mood. 1200 00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:17,871 You don't have to use them. Just, like, pepper them around the house. 1201 00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,916 You know what I mean? Throw one in the fireplace, one by the Vitamix. 1202 00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:23,335 Doesn't even matter. Like not so obvious. 1203 00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,545 I use them as coasters. That's stupid. It's too obvious. 1204 00:49:26,421 --> 00:49:28,006 Girl's like, "Oh my God." 1205 00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:29,216 I'm like, "What?" 1206 00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:31,593 "What is that doing there?" 1207 00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:33,762 "That should be on my dick." 1208 00:49:33,845 --> 00:49:35,847 [crowd laughing] 1209 00:49:37,265 --> 00:49:38,141 Ah? 1210 00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,727 I'm so embarrassed. 1211 00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:47,275 But you really shouldn't wear the ones that are too big. You know? 1212 00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:50,237 Because nothing's worse than a droopy rubber. Right, gals? 1213 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,363 I mean, it's not… 1214 00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:53,532 It's so embarrassing. 1215 00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:57,119 You're like, "This is… this is ridiculous." 1216 00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,413 "This one is broken. And you know what?" 1217 00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:03,125 "I never write a company. I'm going to fire off an email. This is…" 1218 00:50:03,208 --> 00:50:04,459 "Dear sirs." 1219 00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:05,419 [crowd laughing] 1220 00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:08,380 It's always embarrassing to borrow their scrunchie to keep it on. 1221 00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,925 "Can I… can I use that for one second? Just to double…" 1222 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,095 And you don't want it loose side to side. 1223 00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:17,305 You're like… ♪ Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley ♪ 1224 00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:19,516 You try to joke it off. You know? And it's… 1225 00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:21,393 [crowd laughing] 1226 00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:24,062 I wanna invent Magnum Juniors. 1227 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,939 Come on Shark Tank! 1228 00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,774 Magnum and then in little words "Juniors." 1229 00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,901 So you're like, "Junior." 1230 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,031 Thinking ahead. 1231 00:50:35,657 --> 00:50:40,495 And then I bought a shirt, and they have a nine-way mirror in Macy's. 1232 00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:43,457 Now, folks, have you seen yourself from the side? 1233 00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,541 Don't recommend it. 1234 00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:46,793 Um, try to avoid it. 1235 00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:50,881 I am barely okay with what I look like in a one-way mirror. 1236 00:50:50,964 --> 00:50:52,215 Do you understand? Like… 1237 00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:54,968 I'm a six or seven. I read the internet. 1238 00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,763 I'm more personality driven. That's fine. That's fine. 1239 00:50:58,263 --> 00:50:59,890 I'm okay with that at this point. 1240 00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:02,726 I get it, but for me, looking in the mirror, 1241 00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,812 I know when I look okay for me. So I try the shirt on. I go… 1242 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:06,813 [vocalizing] 1243 00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:08,065 "This one's not too bad." 1244 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:09,274 "This is a, uh, 1245 00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:11,443 cowboy sh…" 1246 00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:14,529 [crowd laughing] 1247 00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,948 "Is that… That's not… Is that me?" 1248 00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:18,992 "Shut the fu…" 1249 00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,995 "Sickening. That's me?" 1250 00:51:22,829 --> 00:51:26,333 "That's me from the side? That's what the world sees every day?" 1251 00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:27,667 "Who invited Gollum in here?" 1252 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:28,835 [retching] 1253 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,962 "God damn. It's so sad." 1254 00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:34,966 I'm literally like a seven, six, five, two, two, two, two, two, two. 1255 00:51:35,050 --> 00:51:36,551 [crowd laughing] 1256 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:37,469 Brutal. 1257 00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:41,681 And then I have no confidence, so if I go to a bar, I just stay flat. 1258 00:51:41,765 --> 00:51:43,558 "Hey. You ladies work together?" 1259 00:51:44,726 --> 00:51:46,103 "Oh. All in the same company, huh?" 1260 00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:47,854 "That's interesting." 1261 00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:51,983 "What are you drinking? Vodka soda? Vodka soda? I'll do a run." 1262 00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:54,402 [crowd laughing] 1263 00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:56,530 "Stay flat." 1264 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:01,243 Jesus. 1265 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:03,578 Jeez. 1266 00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:07,374 [sighing heavily] 1267 00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,668 I think my friend's a pedophile, but, um… 1268 00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:12,587 I'm gonna change gears here. 1269 00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:15,966 Um, but I'm not sure. 1270 00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:19,636 I feel like I should gather a little more data before I turn him in. 1271 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,556 But, right now, it's just a hunch. 1272 00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:27,435 I went over to his house and he's watching the Little League World Series. 1273 00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,688 [crowd laughing] 1274 00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,730 I don't like it. 1275 00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,317 I even gave him an out. I go, "Hey, uh…" 1276 00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:36,820 "You know some… you know some kid on this TV?" 1277 00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:37,779 He goes, "No." 1278 00:52:41,783 --> 00:52:44,578 "But you gotta admit they're amazing athletes." 1279 00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,247 Are they? They're 12. 1280 00:52:47,914 --> 00:52:50,584 He goes, "Look at the calves on that one." I'm like, "Later." 1281 00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:52,836 Here I go. I'm gonna tiptoe out 1282 00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,754 while the SWAT team comes in. 1283 00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:57,132 But it is a weird world now 1284 00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:59,885 where you can't even give someone compliments about their kid. 1285 00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:03,513 You used to be able to. Like, I got a lot. 1286 00:53:03,597 --> 00:53:04,431 Um… 1287 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:08,310 But, you know, like, someone's with their seven-year-old daughter, 1288 00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:10,103 and if you ever go, "Hey, your daughter…" 1289 00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:13,023 You can't even say, "Hey. Your daughter's pretty." They go… 1290 00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:16,067 [crowd laughing] 1291 00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:18,612 What? Come on, really? 1292 00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:20,739 Then I get offended. 1293 00:53:20,822 --> 00:53:22,407 I want to defend myself and go, 1294 00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:25,368 "Dude. I'm not some creep child molester, 1295 00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:28,496 and believe me, if I was, I'm not starting with your kid." 1296 00:53:28,580 --> 00:53:30,332 "Believe me, she's not that great." 1297 00:53:30,832 --> 00:53:32,334 "Yeah. She's okay." 1298 00:53:33,543 --> 00:53:35,462 "If I'm doing that, I'm starting with that kid 1299 00:53:35,545 --> 00:53:37,047 I saw at 7-Eleven three days ago." 1300 00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:38,298 "That's number one." 1301 00:53:38,381 --> 00:53:40,884 "Yours is… [whistling] …way down the list." 1302 00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:43,178 "Creep." 1303 00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:44,930 [crowd laughing] 1304 00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:47,307 Actually, when things happen early in life, 1305 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,976 the, uh… you don't know the repercussions they have later. 1306 00:53:50,060 --> 00:53:53,396 Like, just pantsing people in grade school. 1307 00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,440 Stupid, funny. We've all done it. 1308 00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:59,194 I was 11, where soccer… 1309 00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:03,949 Someone dared me to pants the coach. Now, this is such a bad idea in hindsight. 1310 00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:06,451 Pants the coach during a game. 1311 00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:12,165 And no one tells me he had the biggest wang, prong, anaconda, dick in history, 1312 00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,042 and he doesn't wear underpants. 1313 00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:15,752 So, here I go. 1314 00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:16,753 And I go… 1315 00:54:16,836 --> 00:54:17,963 [speaking gibberish] 1316 00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:19,839 And everyone just went, 1317 00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:21,383 "What the fuck?" 1318 00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:23,969 And the whole stadium froze. 1319 00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,889 Especially him. He loved it. 1320 00:54:28,848 --> 00:54:32,310 He sat there and let it wave in the breeze for a while. 1321 00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:34,437 "Drink it in!" 1322 00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:36,064 [crowd laughing] 1323 00:54:36,147 --> 00:54:38,483 Let everyone know who's boss. You know? 1324 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:43,029 He didn't even pull 'em up. He waited for a timeout, eight minutes later. 1325 00:54:43,905 --> 00:54:44,781 He finally goes, 1326 00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:46,866 "Ah, you crazy kids." 1327 00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:48,952 [crowd laughing] 1328 00:54:52,789 --> 00:54:56,459 And then, all the moms started coming to practice an hour early. You know. 1329 00:54:57,711 --> 00:55:00,714 Dressed like they're going to the Golden Globes or something. 1330 00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:03,883 Sure. 1331 00:55:06,177 --> 00:55:07,762 Flirting with girls is tough. 1332 00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:09,973 You know, sometimes you flirt with a girl you go… 1333 00:55:10,056 --> 00:55:12,225 Like I asked a girl out, and guys, here's a tip. 1334 00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:15,729 If they don't text you back right away, you're dead in the water. It's over. 1335 00:55:16,229 --> 00:55:18,606 Because I texted a girl, took her four days, 1336 00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:21,818 and she's like, "Oh my God. I'm the worst texter." 1337 00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,154 And I go, "Huh. Yeah." 1338 00:55:24,946 --> 00:55:25,864 And then I answer 1339 00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:28,325 and then three days later she goes, "Oh my God, I spaced." 1340 00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:29,951 "I'm so bad at this." 1341 00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:35,290 No one's bad at texting, by the way, no one on this planet. 1342 00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:39,169 And it's just such a bullshit excuse, cause I did finally get her out to dinner. 1343 00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,588 And all night, she's hunched over phone like this. 1344 00:55:42,213 --> 00:55:43,590 [trilling] 1345 00:55:46,092 --> 00:55:48,970 I go, "Oh. I see you're getting the hang of it." 1346 00:55:49,054 --> 00:55:51,056 [crowd laughing] 1347 00:55:53,224 --> 00:55:54,851 "You're really picking it up." 1348 00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:56,269 "Good for you." 1349 00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:00,982 So dumb. So dumb! 1350 00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,151 Oh boy, so… 1351 00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:06,363 I saw, um, 1352 00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,490 Caitlyn Jenner at a car show. 1353 00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:10,909 You know who Caitlyn Jenner is? 1354 00:56:10,992 --> 00:56:12,869 Caitlyn Jenner, when I grew up, 1355 00:56:12,952 --> 00:56:14,829 was Bruce Jenner for a long time in the Olympics, 1356 00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:18,083 and there was a little switcheroo which you heard about, and, uh, fine. 1357 00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:23,671 The only part of that that I thought was a little… interesting 1358 00:56:23,755 --> 00:56:25,757 was the name Caitlyn because 1359 00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,761 that's reserved for 30-year-old girls in my head. 1360 00:56:29,844 --> 00:56:33,515 That's like a psychological trick to sound younger, which I get it, 1361 00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:34,599 but it is a trick. 1362 00:56:34,682 --> 00:56:36,142 I mean, listen, my name's David. 1363 00:56:36,226 --> 00:56:38,395 It's like Marlon Blando. Like, who cares about David? 1364 00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:39,979 It's so dumb and forgettable. 1365 00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:44,192 If I wanted to sound 27, I'd change my name to Connor. You know what I mean? 1366 00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:46,152 And then I'm 27 overnight. 1367 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:49,572 They're like, "Connor Spade, what's up?" I'm like, "Just vaping." 1368 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,658 [crowd laughing] 1369 00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,370 But it does sound, you know. 1370 00:56:56,079 --> 00:56:57,288 It might work. 1371 00:56:57,372 --> 00:57:00,625 And Caitlyn, she was like, 71. 1372 00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:01,543 You know what? 1373 00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:03,586 You don't get to be Caitlyn. 1374 00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,506 You know what your name should be? Barb. 1375 00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,551 Barb Jenner, hi. 1376 00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:11,553 [crowd laughing, cheering, applauding] 1377 00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,804 "I'm Barb." 1378 00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:14,431 "How are you?" 1379 00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,767 Or Dottie or Ruthie, anything. 1380 00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:20,186 You're not Dakota, you're Dolores. 1381 00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:21,771 I mean, make it make sense. 1382 00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:27,610 But honestly, even my friends old me up. I hate getting olded up by my friends. 1383 00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,362 I have girls. I go, "Wanna meet my friends?" 1384 00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,031 I see you coming I go, "You know Rick, Pete, and Roger?" 1385 00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:33,658 They're like, "What the fuck?" 1386 00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:35,452 "No, thanks. Sounds old over there." 1387 00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:36,661 "I don't need to see him." 1388 00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:37,996 [chuckling lightly] 1389 00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:38,913 It's tragic. 1390 00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:41,499 I have to lie. "Oh, you know, Aiden, Cayden, and Jaden." 1391 00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:44,043 They're like, "Oh! Yeah." 1392 00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:45,670 "Let's get a bottle." 1393 00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:47,046 [crowd laughing] 1394 00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:48,173 And when Caitlyn 1395 00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:50,216 came out, 1396 00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,427 I mean, all the celebrities were so supportive. 1397 00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:56,222 I mean, Courteney Cox and Cindy Crawford were like, "Caitlyn looks amazing." 1398 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,099 "She is so beautiful." 1399 00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,185 And they're like, "Oh, you kind of look like her." 1400 00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,936 "Fuck you. Are you serious?" 1401 00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:06,232 "That monster? Take it back. Take it back." 1402 00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,860 The guy's like, "You kind of changed your tune a little bit." 1403 00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:10,862 [crowd laughing] 1404 00:58:10,945 --> 00:58:11,863 [David laughing] 1405 00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:15,241 You're having fun, aren't you? Good. 1406 00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:16,284 [crowd cheering] 1407 00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:17,285 All right. Yeah. 1408 00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,162 I love it here, guys. 1409 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,457 I love it that you came down. 1410 00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:25,710 I got my cowboy shirt. 1411 00:58:25,793 --> 00:58:29,380 Things are clicking. Things are really… I did fly. 1412 00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:33,468 I flew here on a… I'm gonna say Southwest. 1413 00:58:36,095 --> 00:58:39,682 Southwest is kind of a crummy airline. And this does not leave this building. 1414 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:40,600 Um… 1415 00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:44,771 They… First of all, I've flown them for years. You know. 1416 00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:47,023 But when I go in the terminal, 1417 00:58:47,106 --> 00:58:51,110 I'm not even a quarter mile away, and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" 1418 00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,656 "Before you get on board, we have to clean the aircraft." 1419 00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:57,492 It's literally one guy with Febreze going like this… [blowing raspberry] 1420 00:58:57,575 --> 00:58:58,868 "All right. Bring them on." 1421 00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,538 "Bring on the cattle." And it's literally everyone. 1422 00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:02,830 "Number 1 through 1000." 1423 00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:04,832 I'm like, "Oh, that's me." [grunting] 1424 00:59:04,916 --> 00:59:07,794 It's like electric football. You know, everyone smashing into each other. 1425 00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,420 And then… 1426 00:59:09,504 --> 00:59:12,423 This… the flight attendant has got the shorts on, 1427 00:59:13,007 --> 00:59:14,342 'cause they're the fun airline. 1428 00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,803 Let me tell you a secret. No one's having fun. 1429 00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,179 She's not. I'm not. 1430 00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:21,349 She's drenched in sweat 'cause Vegas is their hub. 1431 00:59:21,432 --> 00:59:22,267 Lingo. 1432 00:59:22,350 --> 00:59:25,270 And so she's straddling jetway to plane like this. 1433 00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:27,897 "Get on the plane. Everyone get on the plane." 1434 00:59:27,981 --> 00:59:29,941 "Please, we have to push off the gate." 1435 00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,151 That's all they care about. "Push off the gate." 1436 00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,779 "Push, push. Gate, gate. Off. Go." 1437 00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:36,406 And we're in the hall and I'm like this. 1438 00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:40,410 And she goes, "Please, quit looking for an aisle seat. There's none." 1439 00:59:40,493 --> 00:59:43,746 "There's only middle seats. We're the only all middle seat airline." 1440 00:59:43,830 --> 00:59:44,914 "It's almost impossible." 1441 00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:49,252 "We only have middle seats. And don't even dart your eyes at the overhead." 1442 00:59:49,335 --> 00:59:51,462 "Those are full. They're slammed shut." 1443 00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:53,590 "They've been full since 4 a.m." 1444 00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:57,760 "We don't have room for a phone cord, a nickel, or a marshmallow." 1445 00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:59,095 "Sit down." 1446 00:59:59,178 --> 01:00:02,265 "Put your crap on your lap. You paid $49." 1447 01:00:02,348 --> 01:00:05,602 "You made a deal with the devil. You knew what you were getting into." 1448 01:00:05,685 --> 01:00:07,395 "Zip it and shut up." 1449 01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:08,438 [crowd laughing] 1450 01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:10,690 So I'm sitting there with my crap on my lap, 1451 01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:14,319 and I say to the guy, "Do you think there's food on this…?" 1452 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,989 "This guy thinks there's food!" I go, "No. I was… I was just asking." 1453 01:00:18,072 --> 01:00:19,699 "Here's the food sitch." 1454 01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:23,786 "We have five bags of peanuts left." 1455 01:00:25,872 --> 01:00:28,666 "Halfway through the flight we'll shoot 'em out with a T-shirt gun." 1456 01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,877 "All right? So look alive. Heads up." 1457 01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:34,714 "One of them's honey-roasted. You might win the lotto." 1458 01:00:34,797 --> 01:00:35,798 [crowd laughing] 1459 01:00:36,591 --> 01:00:39,886 "If you have a peanut allergy, tough shit. Two are open already." 1460 01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:43,014 "So you're sort of soaking it in, Madge, so… 1461 01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:45,975 please crawl and die in the lav." 1462 01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:48,561 But they were very nice. 1463 01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:50,146 When I left the plane I said, 1464 01:00:50,229 --> 01:00:51,856 "You know what? I just wanna thank you guys 1465 01:00:51,939 --> 01:00:55,985 because everyone's calling in sick now and the flights are delayed, 1466 01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:57,320 but I appreciate you coming in." 1467 01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,614 And she goes, "I know. I have COVID and I came in." 1468 01:00:59,697 --> 01:01:01,407 And I go, "I know, and thank you." 1469 01:01:01,908 --> 01:01:04,035 That's what I mean. Above and beyond. 1470 01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:05,995 [crowd laughing] 1471 01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:07,955 [David laughing] 1472 01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:12,126 Porn genie. 1473 01:01:12,794 --> 01:01:14,545 I, uh… I did take a, um… 1474 01:01:14,629 --> 01:01:16,172 Oh my God. It's a Rolex. 1475 01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:17,298 I did, um… 1476 01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:19,384 [crowd laughing] 1477 01:01:20,843 --> 01:01:22,970 [David chuckling] 1478 01:01:24,722 --> 01:01:25,973 Stupid. I… 1479 01:01:27,100 --> 01:01:28,893 I took a private jet recently, 1480 01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:31,854 and I'm only bragging because I rarely do. 1481 01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:34,732 You see, I see girls on Instagram. 1482 01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:37,193 Why is it every single model is on a private jet at all times. 1483 01:01:37,276 --> 01:01:39,028 You know how expensive they are? 1484 01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:40,863 I'm like, "These girls are hybrid hookers." 1485 01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,281 It's hard to explain, but… 1486 01:01:42,907 --> 01:01:45,868 they're not bullhooks, but you know what? 1487 01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,370 Stay after and I'll tell you. 1488 01:01:47,453 --> 01:01:49,831 But anyway, that's not why we're here. 1489 01:01:49,914 --> 01:01:52,291 But, I've been on private jets. 1490 01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:54,335 I know how much they are, and they're this big. 1491 01:01:54,419 --> 01:01:56,337 They're literally like a thermometer. 1492 01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:59,382 They don't show those on Instagram, it's too embarrassing. I've been on them. 1493 01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:01,926 They're two feet high and it's like an MRI with wings. 1494 01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:02,844 I'm like this… 1495 01:02:02,927 --> 01:02:04,345 [crowd laughing] 1496 01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:05,346 [trilling] 1497 01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:07,140 [clacking] 1498 01:02:07,223 --> 01:02:12,895 [imitating MRI sounds] 1499 01:02:14,647 --> 01:02:16,816 You've had an MRI. You've had an MRI. 1500 01:02:17,608 --> 01:02:19,360 You've had an MRI. 1501 01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:22,071 Get that soundtrack just to chill. 1502 01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:23,656 [crowd laughing] 1503 01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:24,949 [imitating MRI sounds] 1504 01:02:25,032 --> 01:02:25,950 Hammer. Hammer. 1505 01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,746 But yeah, so I got one juicy plane. 1506 01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:33,166 These guys flew me to a gig in Jackson Hall. 1507 01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:35,126 I was so stoked. I took my friend. 1508 01:02:35,209 --> 01:02:37,587 We're on the flight, and I'm like, "Finally, a juicy jet 1509 01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:40,256 and I get to live the hybrid hooker life." 1510 01:02:40,339 --> 01:02:43,009 So I'm on there, and I'm sitting there, 1511 01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:44,302 and it's going well. 1512 01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:48,222 And then the pilot comes out, and he comes out like all doomsday. 1513 01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:49,265 He's like this. 1514 01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:52,518 [breathing heavily] 1515 01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:55,271 I'm like, "Is this joker smoking?" 1516 01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:57,815 And he goes, "Here's what's going on." 1517 01:02:57,899 --> 01:03:01,110 "Uh, we're about 30 away, 1518 01:03:01,194 --> 01:03:04,655 and it's gonna get real bad." 1519 01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:06,949 [crowd laughing] 1520 01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:09,285 Absolutely no bedside manner. 1521 01:03:09,368 --> 01:03:12,872 I go, "It's going to get real bad. What do you mean? What, what, what? How?" 1522 01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:16,083 And he goes, "Well, there's 130 mile-an-hour winds 1523 01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,752 and there's a full snowstorm, 1524 01:03:18,419 --> 01:03:20,505 so it's gonna get real bad." 1525 01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,008 "But you know what?" 1526 01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:25,259 "I say we go for it." 1527 01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:27,512 [crowd laughing] 1528 01:03:27,595 --> 01:03:29,472 He walks away. I go, "What is it?" 1529 01:03:30,932 --> 01:03:33,142 "Did he say 'we're gonna go for it'? What does that mean?" 1530 01:03:33,226 --> 01:03:36,187 My buddy was, "We're going for it." I go, "Going for what?" 1531 01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:37,688 "Is this scary?" 1532 01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:38,731 "Should we not do it?" 1533 01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:40,066 Then it's like… 1534 01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:41,567 I go… [speaking gibberish] 1535 01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:44,737 I'm locked in like a bronco, my Diet Coke hits the ceiling. 1536 01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,364 Terrified. Terrified. 1537 01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:49,534 You know how some people laugh when they're scared? I pee. 1538 01:03:49,617 --> 01:03:51,869 So I'm pissing all over the place. 1539 01:03:52,453 --> 01:03:54,413 Anyway, and then it stops for one second, 1540 01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:57,041 and he goes, "Go ask him." I go… [panicked breathing] So I go… 1541 01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,460 [breathing heavily] 1542 01:03:59,544 --> 01:04:00,378 [groaning] 1543 01:04:00,461 --> 01:04:01,420 I'm already sick. 1544 01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:03,589 I go up, I go, "Hey. Earlier…" and he goes, "What?" 1545 01:04:03,673 --> 01:04:06,759 I go, "I'm the customer! You don't yell at me." 1546 01:04:07,468 --> 01:04:11,389 "You said something earlier about going for it. We don't have to go for anything." 1547 01:04:11,472 --> 01:04:14,433 "Like, who cares about the stupid game." He goes, "Hey." 1548 01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:19,397 "Listen, if there's even 100 feet of visibility above the tarmac, 1549 01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:20,940 we can legally land." 1550 01:04:21,023 --> 01:04:22,108 I go, 1551 01:04:22,984 --> 01:04:24,026 "Legally?" 1552 01:04:24,610 --> 01:04:26,571 "I… That sounds bad. I don't want to leave." 1553 01:04:26,654 --> 01:04:28,531 He goes, "We got a ten-second window. Sit down!" 1554 01:04:28,614 --> 01:04:31,158 I go, "God damn. Why do I keep doing what you say?" 1555 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:34,704 So I sit down and then this wham, wham, wham, wham. 1556 01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:36,539 Can't believe how scary it is. 1557 01:04:36,622 --> 01:04:37,957 And then we look out the window. 1558 01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:40,751 Snow, snow, snow. And then blank. And then… [thudding] …we hit. 1559 01:04:40,835 --> 01:04:43,754 I go, "Did we crash? No, we landed?" 1560 01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:45,381 [whimpering] 1561 01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:47,717 So I get up and the stairs are like… 1562 01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:48,676 [hissing] 1563 01:04:48,759 --> 01:04:51,637 And I go, "Oh my God. Oh my God. I lived." 1564 01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,723 And then I go over and I go… [groaning] 1565 01:04:55,558 --> 01:04:56,767 And I get on the tarmac. 1566 01:04:56,851 --> 01:04:58,352 [blowing] 1567 01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:00,646 It is a solid mile of nothing. 1568 01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:04,525 There is no other plane within a mile, and I go, 1569 01:05:05,318 --> 01:05:06,235 "What's happening?" 1570 01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:08,529 And then these two crew guys, just go like this. 1571 01:05:09,071 --> 01:05:11,741 [crowd laughing] 1572 01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:13,659 I go, "What… what happened?" 1573 01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:16,746 They go, "Dude, you just popped out of the clouds." 1574 01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:23,044 I go, "What do you mean?" They go, "It just popped out from 20 feet up." 1575 01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:23,961 "You just appeared." 1576 01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:25,838 I go, "Where is everybody?" 1577 01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:29,717 He goes, "Oh, man. 37 planes had to divert." 1578 01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:32,053 [crowd laughing] 1579 01:05:32,136 --> 01:05:33,804 "You're the only one that landed." 1580 01:05:33,888 --> 01:05:36,515 I go, "Shut up!" I go, "Why'd they divert?" 1581 01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:39,185 I hear behind me, "'Cause they're pussies." 1582 01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:40,144 I go… 1583 01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:42,021 -[crowd laughing] -[David laughing] 1584 01:05:42,104 --> 01:05:45,149 You guys, thank you for having me. 1585 01:05:45,232 --> 01:05:46,359 [rock music playing] 1586 01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:47,401 I love you. 1587 01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:48,361 I appreciate it. 1588 01:05:48,444 --> 01:05:49,862 [crowd cheering, applauding] 1589 01:05:58,829 --> 01:06:00,665 [cheering, applause continues] 1590 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:14,720 [music fades]