1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,418 [man laughs] 4 00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:29,203 Well, ladies and gentlemen. 5 00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:31,379 You have come to the right place 6 00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:34,904 if you're looking for laughter to break your face. 7 00:00:34,947 --> 00:00:37,428 Because we got people on this show tonight 8 00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:41,389 that are gonna be earthquakian when it comes to laughter 9 00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:43,086 and they're with us tonight. 10 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,914 Put it together, ladies and gentlemen. 11 00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:47,221 [cheers and applause] 12 00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:51,442 Trip's over, hoss. That's three large. 13 00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,270 It'll be good to get out of this shithole. 14 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:54,924 Good evening, ladies. 15 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,102 Still funny now, funny man? 16 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:03,150 I don't know. Still an asshole, asshole man? 17 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,065 I don't know. Let me check. 18 00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:10,766 There. 19 00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:12,681 Oh, hold on. 20 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,117 [man] Step aside, juanito. 21 00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,553 This ain't got shit to do with you. 22 00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:19,035 Sir, listen, we don't want any trouble. 23 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,428 We're very sorry. 24 00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:22,082 [gun cocks] 25 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,735 You got no idea where you are, homeboy? 26 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,260 [speaking foreign language] 27 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:28,088 The High Desert. 28 00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:30,002 Ain't no law here. 29 00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,439 Ain't nobody coming for you boys. 30 00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,789 You don't want to do this. 31 00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:35,530 Step aside, Twilight. 32 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:39,186 This is between me and that pendejo. 33 00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:40,535 Put the gun down, Paco. 34 00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:41,971 Shut the fuck up! 35 00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:45,583 Ignore him. Listen to me. 36 00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:48,195 I'm gonna count to three. 37 00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:51,589 Three, two... 38 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,069 Please don't do this. 39 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,592 [gunshot] 40 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,203 [grunts] 41 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,466 That was a warning. 42 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,513 [Ethan] You missed. 43 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,167 [gunshots] 44 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:06,648 [gasps] 45 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:10,826 [suspenseful music playing] 46 00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:16,266 [snarls] 47 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,924 [singer] ♪ Ooh, oh, Do me, baby♪ 48 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:26,624 ♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪ 49 00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,281 ♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪ 50 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,330 [singer] ♪ All right, Stop whatcha doin'♪ 51 00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:37,853 ♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style♪ 52 00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,071 ♪ That ya used to♪ 53 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,595 ♪ I look funny♪ 54 00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,423 ♪ But yo, I'm makin' money, see♪ 55 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:43,641 ♪ So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me♪ 56 00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:44,990 ♪ Now, gather 'round♪ 57 00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:46,992 ♪ I'm the new fool in town♪ 58 00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,733 ♪ And my sound's laid Down by the Underground♪ 59 00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:49,952 ♪ I'll drink up All the Hennessey♪ 60 00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,562 ♪ Ya got on ya shelf♪ 61 00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,564 ♪ So just let me Introduce myself♪ 62 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,262 ♪ My name is Humpty, Pronounced with a Umpty...♪ 63 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,263 [woman] You got this, Pete. 64 00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:58,047 Waddup, girl? 65 00:02:58,090 --> 00:02:59,744 [singer] ♪ Oh, how I like To funk thee♪ 66 00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:01,093 ♪ And all the rappers In the top ten♪ 67 00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,791 ♪ Please allow me To bump thee♪ 68 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,314 ♪ I'm steppin' tall, Like, y'all♪ 69 00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:05,446 All right. Yo, Pete. Kill it tonight, man. 70 00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:07,099 You know it, man. 71 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,100 [man] You're getting me on the list, Pete? 72 00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:10,146 Hey. No. 73 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,017 [singer] ♪ I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy♪ 74 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:14,455 ♪ I'm sick wit dis, Straight gangsta mack♪ 75 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:16,935 [cheers and applause] 76 00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:18,023 [man] Hey, Pete. 77 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:22,550 -[cheers and applause] -[laughter] 78 00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,639 So, she says, "Look, I understand 79 00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:26,989 that you're unemployed, but can I ask? 80 00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:28,599 How much are you typically spending 81 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,514 on a bottle of wine lately?" 82 00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:33,474 I said, "Honey, no more than ten, fifteen minutes." 83 00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,737 -[cheers and applause] -[laughter] 84 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,217 Folks, are you ready to spend some more time 85 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:38,522 with the next comedian? 86 00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,263 Yeah? 87 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,223 Now, help me welcome July Alouise. Yeah. 88 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,225 [cheers and applause] 89 00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:46,748 Thank you. Thank you. 90 00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:49,185 Keep it going for Roy Shackleford! 91 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,274 [cheers and applause] 92 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,407 Yup, it's my birthday. 93 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,104 Thank you. Thank you. 94 00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,454 When I was a little girl on my birthday, 95 00:03:57,498 --> 00:03:59,804 I hated to be spanked. 96 00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:02,198 Boy, have I changed. 97 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,026 [laughter] 98 00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:05,810 Now, I have a birthday every week. 99 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,943 Yo, yo. Oh, look at him. 100 00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,553 My man. Handsome. 101 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,120 -Look at you, son. -Look at you. 102 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,817 Hey, I got to ask you a question, brother. 103 00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:15,777 Why in the world would you use the C-word at 6:00 a.m.? 104 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:18,083 Because it's funny all day. Hmm. 105 00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:20,912 For sure, but that clerk was offended. 106 00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,306 Who isn't these days, bro? 107 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,786 At least it went viral. 108 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,657 [Sandy] So, you're this week's comedian? 109 00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,050 Can you tell me a joke? 110 00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,967 Can I just have my room key, Sandy? 111 00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:34,056 [Sandy] Not until you tell me a joke. 112 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,015 -You want a joke? -Yes. 113 00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,974 What's the difference between a vagina 114 00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,324 and a [bleep]? 115 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:42,543 You would think she would have 116 00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:43,718 a better sense of humor, you know? 117 00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:47,069 You know what? 118 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,331 Fuck the internet, okay? 119 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:49,811 And by the way, I'm offended 120 00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:50,986 that you're putting on seven open mikers 121 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:52,161 in front of me tonight. 122 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,510 Do that on a bringer night. 123 00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:55,207 Bro, they're just my fucking students. 124 00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:56,687 Yeah, I get it. 125 00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:59,821 They pay you, you give them stage time. 126 00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,213 You Weinstein them. 127 00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,867 I get it. Do it on another night. 128 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,609 No one ever gave the great Pete Brennan a shot? 129 00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:08,133 Hey, hey, wasn't your first time onstage 130 00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,396 headlining at The Improv? 131 00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:11,180 That's right. 132 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:14,096 And I never sucked one dick or licked one ball bag. 133 00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,445 -Oh, you didn't? -No. 134 00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,317 [applause] 135 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,841 I asked my girlfriend to say something nice about me 136 00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,495 and she said, "Well, you know your, uh, 137 00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,671 your penis is bigger than all your friends'." 138 00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,413 [laughter] 139 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,371 And you can always tell the woman in casinos 140 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,851 that are hookers because they're the ones 141 00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:31,853 -that talk to you. -[laughter] 142 00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,726 They say good things come in pairs, 143 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,815 which is a great way to get kicked out of the fruit market. 144 00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,904 [laughter] 145 00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,604 Danny, PJ's running a little bit late. 146 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,083 I was gonna stick Ethan on next. 147 00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,346 Coolio. 148 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:49,261 Ooh, we got one of your pupils? 149 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,220 -Former alumni. Class of '97. -Makes sense. 150 00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,614 That was the last time you wrote a new joke. 151 00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,485 That you're still using, biatch. 152 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,617 It's a good bit. 153 00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,358 [Pete] Yeah, that's right. 154 00:05:58,401 --> 00:05:59,837 Hey. So, they let you out after storming the Capitol? 155 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,012 [Pete] You know what? 156 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:02,623 I had a note, okay? 157 00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,842 -I never sat on Pelosi's desk. -Okay. Yeah. 158 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,670 Hey, uh, when can we see you in the new episode 159 00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:08,019 of Doomsday Preppers? 160 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:09,412 I did a self-tape, still waiting. 161 00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:10,413 Bummer. 162 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,241 Hey, do yourself a favor. 163 00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:14,374 Take a look at the kid that I'm sticking onstage next. 164 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:15,810 Why would I ever do that? 165 00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,246 [Roy] You've seen people bomb. 166 00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,291 This kid next levels it. 167 00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:20,771 Epic, right? 168 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,338 Yeah, Hiroshima. 169 00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:26,473 This kid eats more dick than K-pop's mother, right? 170 00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,126 -Yeah. -And plus, he's got this weird, 171 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,911 like, quirky thing. 172 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,521 It, like, totally draws you in. Trust me. Am I right? 173 00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:33,697 -[Danny] True. -Okay. Let me guess. 174 00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:35,525 He's never had one paid gig 175 00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,266 and his social media all starts with, 176 00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,224 "The official blah, blah." 177 00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:41,575 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 178 00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,011 This dude is rich. 179 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,013 He does it for the love of the game. 180 00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:47,232 -How papered up? -[Danny] Paper. 181 00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:48,625 -Really? -Yeah. 182 00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:50,671 Dude, fat money. It's--dude, it's crazy. 183 00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:53,543 Like, uh, Waterboy said, man, he got something. 184 00:06:53,587 --> 00:06:55,066 You should go check him out. 185 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,546 Yeah. 186 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,113 So, Fat Mike Pants, 187 00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,941 you really should go gluten-free. 188 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,378 Look, how's this fucking crowd tonight, bro? 189 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,293 Okay. Put it this way. 190 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:05,686 The lady who threw the diamond off the front of the Titanic, 191 00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,079 she's in the front row with her parents. 192 00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,299 That's old. 193 00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,996 -[laughter] -[Pete] Fuck! 194 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,171 Let's go. Let me see his fucking funeral out here. 195 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,477 Yeah, you got it. 196 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,044 -Oh, hey, Pete. -Yeah? 197 00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:17,872 -Don't suck. -Damn it! 198 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,004 -[upbeat music playing] -[laughter] 199 00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:22,442 You're slowing down, bro. 200 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:25,488 [upbeat music playing] 201 00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,015 Oh, you're too kind, you're too kind. 202 00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:33,017 Are you ready for some more comedy? 203 00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,497 Let me tell you about this next kid coming to the stage. 204 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,064 He's ridden all the way from Hungary 205 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,283 and once opened for Sebastian Bach, 206 00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,069 the pianist, not the heavy metal singer from Skid Row. 207 00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:44,115 Please welcome, the very funny, Ethan Barr. 208 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,290 Come on, Ethan. 209 00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:46,944 -[applause] -Yeah. 210 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,207 You'll be fine. 211 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,168 [clears throat] 212 00:07:58,173 --> 00:07:59,479 Hello, everybody. 213 00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:03,221 I am Ethan Barr... 214 00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:06,529 and I am a vampire. 215 00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:10,707 For the record, I'm neither Team Edward or Team Jacob. 216 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,622 I rooted for the sun. 217 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,105 On account of the daylight... 218 00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,324 which is an urban legend anyways. 219 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,717 [man] Yeah, like your act. 220 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,851 [Ethan] Wow. 221 00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:25,679 I haven't seen a crowd this tight 222 00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:29,465 since the Venetians at The Siege of Corfu 1716. 223 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:31,685 [man] Like, you were there? 224 00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:34,426 I was. 225 00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:37,734 I believe we captured over 8,000 men that day. 226 00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:38,953 Ha! 227 00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,738 That was funny. 228 00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,566 [Ethan] You'll have to excuse me... 229 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,654 -I told you he had something. -...I'm a bit tired. 230 00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:46,830 That was definitely something! 231 00:08:47,962 --> 00:08:49,137 [Roy] Hey, I told you [indistinct] 232 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:50,312 [Ethan] The [indistinct] 233 00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,792 This is like a derailment, bro. 234 00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,663 And, boy, are my arms tired. 235 00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:55,273 How much time has he got left? 236 00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,797 He's got like a minute. 237 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:57,798 [Ethan] And he pulls out a used tampon. 238 00:08:57,841 --> 00:08:59,103 No, in his career. 239 00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:02,106 [laughs] He's got like a minute. 240 00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,282 Told you it was hilarious. 241 00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,328 All right. Let me go abort this. 242 00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:08,156 That is club's night in Texas. 243 00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:11,376 [laughs] I'll light you at five. 244 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,074 All right. 245 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,902 -All right. Kill it, Champ. -[applause] 246 00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:17,252 -Where are you going? -I think I just sharted. 247 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,820 [Roy] Folks, keep it going for Ethan Barr. 248 00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,865 He's new. He's tired. 249 00:09:21,909 --> 00:09:24,607 [man] [indistinct] right over here. 250 00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:27,567 Wow, you're Pete Brennan. 251 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,570 It's a pleasure. 252 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,877 Hey, buddy. How are you? 253 00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,924 I saw you in the back. 254 00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,055 Okay. 255 00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,317 I didn't realize it was you... 256 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:41,929 until I did. 257 00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:43,887 Oh, yeah. I was the guy who laughed. 258 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,759 And again, thank you for that. 259 00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:48,283 They say, "If you can reach just one person," right? 260 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,633 They do say that. Yeah. 261 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:51,765 Is that what they say? 262 00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:53,462 I think so. 263 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,639 Bro, could you get closer or-- 264 00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,119 -I could. -I'd rather you not. 265 00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,295 -Okay. -Jesus Christ, dude. 266 00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:04,691 The real reason I came over here 267 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,301 was to see if... 268 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,998 -Yeah? -...you ever needed 269 00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:11,001 an opener or even had any tips for me. 270 00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:13,482 I'd be... 271 00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:14,570 very thankful. 272 00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:16,964 You're looking for a tip? 273 00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:19,314 That would be incredible. 274 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:20,924 Here's a tip. 275 00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:24,667 Uh, try not to talk to the headliner's ear off 276 00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,495 before he's about to take the stage. 277 00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:27,931 Hear me? 278 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,629 Yeah. 279 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,239 Okay? 280 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,936 Fucking Chatty Cathy. 281 00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,374 It's Ethan. 282 00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:38,072 The Insurrectionist of Comedy, 283 00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:41,336 Mr. Pete Brennan. 284 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:44,687 [cheers and applause] 285 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,254 [man] Don't [indistinct] bro. 286 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:54,436 Don't talk to comic. 287 00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,133 Oh, my God. 288 00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:57,569 Good stuff. 289 00:10:57,613 --> 00:10:59,615 It's like shooting fish in a barrel. 290 00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:03,488 Uh, sorry. You'll get them next time, buddy. 291 00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,055 Give it up for, uh, your host, 292 00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:06,840 Roy Shackleford, everybody. 293 00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,406 That's right. 294 00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,060 [applause] 295 00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:11,540 Give it up for Count Dracula, everybody. 296 00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:13,281 He was, uh... 297 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,067 He was so scary. 298 00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,721 He scared the laughs away, right? 299 00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,549 [laughter] 300 00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:23,160 When he's here, it's a two-pint minimum. 301 00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,336 Yeah. 302 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,643 Good thing he sleeps in a coffin 303 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,601 because he died up here. 304 00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:33,823 I mean, he was-- whew, he was so bad, 305 00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:36,652 he made me wanna drive a stake through my own heart, right? 306 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,828 Even just, you know, just a bit. 307 00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:43,137 [laughter, applause] 308 00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:45,835 Oh, man. Hey, at least he remembered you. 309 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,489 [Pete] ...this Dracula guy? 310 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,709 Oh, come on. Let's get you a drink, all right? 311 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,275 How about a Bloody Mary? 312 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,625 Maybe for you, hold the Mary. 313 00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,150 [laughter] 314 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,151 [indistinct chatter] 315 00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:58,282 Hey, Roy. 316 00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,806 I'm sorry I missed my set. 317 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,982 Whatever, man. Ethan covered it. 318 00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,505 Of all the people, him? 319 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,942 Well, yeah. You weren't here on time. 320 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:08,379 He was the worst student in our class. 321 00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:11,208 His stupid Twilight joke isn't even accurate, all right? 322 00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:14,168 Everybody knows Edward sparkles in the sun 323 00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:17,562 and frickin' Jacob is a frickin' werewolf, dude. 324 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,086 Come on, man! 325 00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:20,435 This guy needs his own identity, you know? 326 00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,959 He's just a Baby Bat poser! 327 00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:25,614 -Beverage? -Oh, God. Perfect timing. 328 00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:26,746 -[Pete] Yeah. -You buying? 329 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:27,921 I'm out of drink tickets. 330 00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:30,924 -What the-- -Baby Bat. 331 00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,274 Hmm. 332 00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,406 How original. 333 00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:38,845 PJ, you, my friend, are a cosplayer... 334 00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,977 a bad movie reboot. 335 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:44,067 You crave eternity, yet mistakenly believe 336 00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:49,377 it can be achieved through nihilistic posts online. 337 00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:50,813 And to top it off, 338 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:54,251 for the rest of your short... 339 00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:56,776 mortal life... 340 00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,867 you have to walk around looking like Cher 341 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,956 face-fucked Marilyn Manson. 342 00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,653 [electric guitar strums] 343 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,442 I'm not that ugly, am I? 344 00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:14,271 Ugly as a motherfucker, but use it. 345 00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:17,231 Is he serious? 346 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,451 Thanks for telling the audience you knocked me up tonight. 347 00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:24,368 Really racked in the cash, almost cracked minimum wage. 348 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,370 I do what I can to get you more tips. 349 00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,024 Come on. Plus, it's funny. 350 00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,809 No. It's hack. 351 00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,898 Customers were like, "When are you due? 352 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,813 Have you picked out a gender yet?" 353 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:37,860 Okay. 354 00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,775 First of all, gender doesn't exist as a concept, 355 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:43,083 so you're cancelled, and "hack"? Really? 356 00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:44,084 -Come on. -Is that all 357 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,389 that matters to you? 358 00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:46,608 Well, it's important. I mean-- 359 00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,479 Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight. 360 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:51,613 Uh, I do, however, have some, uh, tips on that Grindr bit, 361 00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:54,311 so we'll talk about it on Sunday, won't we? 362 00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:57,662 Thank you, Steph. I appreciate that. 363 00:13:57,706 --> 00:13:59,186 Hello, Pete. 364 00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,622 I just wanted to say great set-- 365 00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,711 What's going on on Sunday? 366 00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:05,757 Well, that's actually what I wanted to speak to you about. 367 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:10,937 Sunday evening, I am having a small to-do at my place 368 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,374 and I would love it if you could make it. 369 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:17,769 And you are gonna have Stephanie at this to-do? 370 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,162 Yeah, she will be there 371 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:21,512 as well as Roy, Danny, a few others. 372 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,123 Nothing crazy. 373 00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:24,907 I wanted to formally invite you and Steph said 374 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,996 I should do it myself. 375 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,868 I understand if you're busy, 376 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,782 there's no pressure, but I'd love to have you there. 377 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,263 Okay. Let me tell you something, okay, bro? 378 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,613 First of all, I don't even believe that accent. 379 00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,789 You're probably from Cleveland, okay? 380 00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,662 Second of all, comics are only busy 381 00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:43,317 when they're getting busy, you know what I'm saying? 382 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:44,361 Okay. 383 00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:46,624 So, maybe you can come by 384 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,322 and give me some tips or something. 385 00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:49,976 Oh, my God, dude. 386 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,978 What am I, Reddit? You're always asking for tips. 387 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,805 I've known you for eight minutes. 388 00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,329 Okay. Here's a tip. 389 00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,853 Never try to hit on the comedy club waitress... 390 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,376 Ooh, but Steph... 391 00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:01,639 ...when the comedy club waitress happens to be 392 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:05,861 the headliner's girlfriend at his home club. 393 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,819 Ah. 394 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:08,951 Yeah. Okay. 395 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,518 [Ethan] So, I'll see you Sunday. 396 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:13,869 Oh, I can't wait. We can talk about skin rubs. 397 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,307 When were you gonna tell me about this Sunday? 398 00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,309 Oh, I wanted him to tell you. 399 00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:21,964 Thank you, Steph. 400 00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:23,661 Nope, not doing that. 401 00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:26,099 -Doing what? -This whole jealousy thing. 402 00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:27,187 -I'm not jealous. -Yes, you are. 403 00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:28,362 -I'm not. -Uh-hmm. 404 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:29,929 No need two decades, Pete. 405 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,626 It wasn't cute then and it ain't cute now. 406 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:35,151 Besides, I thought we could actually go out for once. 407 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,589 I'm out every night. 408 00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,417 Yeah, to comedy clubs. 409 00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,071 -Yeah. -But, honey, 410 00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:45,466 when was the last time that we actually went out? 411 00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,207 You know I have other wardrobe besides 412 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:50,079 jaded cocktail waitress dress for a funeral, right? 413 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,951 . First of all, I think you look fantastic. 414 00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,431 And second of all, you can't say the word cocktail 415 00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,955 -without saying the word-- -Cock. 416 00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,391 -Yeah. -Yeah. Got it. 417 00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:59,262 Two k-sounds in a single syllable word. 418 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,872 How prolific. 419 00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:02,657 Can you just turn it off for two seconds 420 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,137 and be real with me? 421 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,966 -[sighs] Okay. But look-- -[mumbles] 422 00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:09,403 -I'm going to Ethan's. -Uh-hmm. 423 00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:10,970 I'd want for you to join. 424 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:13,842 But if you don't, guess what? I'm still going. 425 00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:19,935 [sighs] Fine. 426 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,458 I'll go for, like, an hour, all right, tops? 427 00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:22,851 That's it. But I don't-- 428 00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:25,462 Maybe you'll actually have fun for once. 429 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,813 Oh, and, uh, maybe get some new material? 430 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,554 [clears throat intentionally] 431 00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:33,514 I concur. 432 00:16:33,557 --> 00:16:34,863 Lick my ass, guys. 433 00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:36,256 Wax that thing. 434 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,649 Tongue punch my fart box. 435 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,086 [laughter] 436 00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:41,739 Lick all around my ass 437 00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:44,481 because even my taint is better 438 00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,918 than the five minutes I saw you guys do tonight. 439 00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,443 [phone ringing] 440 00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:53,621 What's up, Chuck? 441 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:58,539 Ah! The timeless, old puke joke that never gets funny. 442 00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,062 What are you even doing up it's 12:00 noon? 443 00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,021 I'm--I'm actually writing new jokes, 444 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,196 not that you care. 445 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,024 Actually, I don't. 446 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,808 Now, listen up, my little meal ticket. 447 00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:08,331 I have a commitment for you to open up 448 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,290 the brand new Russell Peters special 449 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,031 taping at the Sahara. 450 00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:15,817 You know, international superstar Russell Peters. 451 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,340 All right. 452 00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:19,821 I also added a few shitty gigs to your run, 453 00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,518 so check your schedule. 454 00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,694 What, another bowling alley or another taco stand? 455 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,481 Listen, Pete, as your friend... 456 00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,700 you know, you wouldn't have to take all these shitty gigs 457 00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,225 if we just stop paying for all those medical bills? 458 00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:34,357 Come on, Chuck. No, don't go there, all right? 459 00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:35,837 Look. 460 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,578 I'm just saying, there are some other ways, 461 00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:41,060 some of them even legal for you to dig out of your hole. 462 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:43,410 There's nothing more American than filing bankruptcy. 463 00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:46,195 Dude, I looked into it, okay? It's 2,500 bucks. 464 00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,850 I don't even have enough money to claim I don't have any money. 465 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,982 [laughs] That's hilarious. 466 00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:53,202 Please tell me you used that in the rotation. 467 00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:54,421 It's not a joke. 468 00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,379 Unfortunately, it's my life. 469 00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:59,208 Well, your misery is hilarious. 470 00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:02,298 Okay, look. 471 00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:04,126 I'm only gonna do this Russell gig 472 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,780 because I wanna be seen by the network execs. 473 00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:07,173 That's it. 474 00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,566 I need you to schmooze the suits, Chuck. 475 00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:12,047 Do your job, Chuck. No offense. 476 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,223 Huh. Tons taken. 477 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,920 By the way, duly noted. 478 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,184 Listen, do me a favor. 479 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,533 Pick an opener 480 00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,143 or one's gonna be appointed for you. 481 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,536 Hold on. No, Chuck. 482 00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,146 I'm not getting stuck in the road 483 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,888 with one of your social media influencers. 484 00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:29,195 I don't need somebody who can't actually tell a joke. 485 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,197 What do you do with them, you pay for play? 486 00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:34,200 All right. 487 00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:35,331 Now, you can stop pretending like you're writing jokes, 488 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,506 and go back to watching porn. 489 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,986 Fire a little toddler juice 490 00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:40,945 into a tissue of love, you weirdo. 491 00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,426 I'm not--I'm not on porn. 492 00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,428 [woman moaning] 493 00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:48,127 [ominous music playing] 494 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,694 Wasn't there a helicopter in Scarface? 495 00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,566 Remember the guy hanging? 496 00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:55,743 This is kind of, like, a James Bond villain. 497 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,266 Holy. 498 00:18:58,615 --> 00:19:01,314 My God, this is... 499 00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,403 Okay. I think you should slow down. 500 00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,187 Why? 501 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,146 You invite me out, the least I can do is get toasty. 502 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:08,930 You're toasty enough, trust me. 503 00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:10,932 Get that--you promised. 504 00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,194 Oh, God. 505 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,195 I'm gonna knock the door 'cause apparently, 506 00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,327 chivalry is dead. 507 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,113 [Pete] I don't wanna chip my nails. 508 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,506 Like the fun cop is here. 509 00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:21,116 -[door opens] -What the... 510 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,597 How can I help you guys? 511 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,730 Whoa! It's like Thanos in a sport coat. 512 00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:28,558 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 513 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,212 -Yeah. -I'm scared. 514 00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:33,128 Uh, can Ethan come out to play? 515 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,347 [Ethan] It's okay. 516 00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:35,652 -It's cool? -Uh-hmm. 517 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,045 Okay. 518 00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:39,178 -Hey. -[Ethan] Thank you, Heegan. 519 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,527 Welcome to my home. 520 00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:41,919 [Stephanie] Incredible. 521 00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:43,791 Enthralled you both could make it. 522 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:46,141 This is for you. 523 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,751 Steph, thank you. 524 00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:51,015 Pinot. Hmm. 525 00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:53,888 Pete picked it out just like our outfits, 526 00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:56,064 so if it sucks... 527 00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:57,935 I thought it'd compliment the whole Renfield thing, 528 00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,546 you know, and really go with your motif. 529 00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:02,462 That is so thoughtful, Pete. 530 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,594 Though, Renfield was an assistant. 531 00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:07,597 I was clearly a Baron. 532 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,774 But I appreciate the sentiment. 533 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:13,081 Please, do come in. 534 00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:14,952 Do come in. 535 00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:20,219 This dude really is committed to this. 536 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:26,007 [Ethan] Pete, would you mind closing the door, please? 537 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:32,274 [dramatic music playing] 538 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,714 [grunting] 539 00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,513 [door creaking] 540 00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:00,433 -Jackpot! -It's cool? 541 00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,348 -I'd love to. -Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure. 542 00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,393 He might be single for the right girl. 543 00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:07,875 And this is my game room. 544 00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:10,181 [Stephanie] Should have worn my cleavage. 545 00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:11,618 Oh, shit, I haven't seen that dude 546 00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:13,663 since Counting Crows broke up. 547 00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:15,099 Hey, Pete Brennan! How are you, man? 548 00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:16,666 [Pete] Yeah. I'm doing good. 549 00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:19,539 Well, I'm, uh, free next two months if... 550 00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:21,018 You know, come to a guest set, 551 00:21:21,062 --> 00:21:22,498 they love to see you, just pop in. 552 00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:23,630 Eight minutes? 553 00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:25,284 Uh, well, give it ten minutes. 554 00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:27,547 -Okay [indistinct] -All right. 555 00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,636 -Take care, Pete. -Harry, you look great. 556 00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:30,854 You too, buddy. Love you, man. 557 00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,943 Man, back at you, dude. 558 00:21:32,987 --> 00:21:35,119 [Stephanie] That went well. 559 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:40,037 [Chuck] Hey, what's up, monkey-tits? 560 00:21:40,081 --> 00:21:41,735 What's up, Chuck? 561 00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:44,346 [chuckle] Swing and a miss! 562 00:21:45,608 --> 00:21:46,740 What are you doing here? 563 00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:48,742 Checking out the new talent. 564 00:21:48,785 --> 00:21:50,483 When you're saying new talent, 565 00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:53,181 I hope you mean females 566 00:21:53,224 --> 00:21:54,791 and not the emo kid who lives here. 567 00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:57,577 Hey, I know you may find this tough to believe, 568 00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:00,928 but you are not the only open miker on my roster. 569 00:22:00,971 --> 00:22:02,669 -Hey! -Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 570 00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:05,149 Easy, cockbreath, all right? I'm working for you. 571 00:22:05,193 --> 00:22:06,716 Didn't you get my message? 572 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,936 I got you the cover of Middle Act Magazine. 573 00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:10,764 -Oh! -Ho, ho. Hey! 574 00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:12,156 Now, shut your chicken skimmer 575 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,332 and let's do another shot. 576 00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:14,985 Ain't got to tell me twice. 577 00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:16,552 Who wants another shot? 578 00:22:16,596 --> 00:22:18,337 -Yeah. Always. -Oh, yeah. No. 579 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,904 I would absolutely love to, except it looks like 580 00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:23,951 I'm designated driver tonight again. 581 00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:26,388 Why are you even with this man? 582 00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:27,694 Two words. 583 00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:29,652 Baby arm. 584 00:22:29,696 --> 00:22:31,132 Any questions? 585 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:32,568 Come on, Steph. We all know that baby 586 00:22:32,612 --> 00:22:34,091 is gonna be asleep by 9:00. 587 00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:36,616 [laughter] 588 00:22:36,659 --> 00:22:38,661 Good point. Chuck, line 'em up. 589 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,011 Now, that's a fuckin' team player, boys! 590 00:22:41,055 --> 00:22:42,491 All right. Round them up. 591 00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:44,014 -Here you go, kids. -[Chuck] Let's go! 592 00:22:44,058 --> 00:22:46,147 All right, guys. What are gonna we toast to? 593 00:22:46,190 --> 00:22:47,627 Oh, apparently, we're toasting 594 00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:50,847 to Pete's cream-filled flesh twinkie. 595 00:22:53,981 --> 00:22:57,201 I think that Ethan should do the toast. 596 00:22:57,245 --> 00:22:58,942 I don't know. 597 00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,248 [all] Come on. 598 00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:02,903 Ethan. Ethan. 599 00:23:02,946 --> 00:23:07,211 [all] Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! 600 00:23:07,255 --> 00:23:08,256 Okay. Okay. 601 00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:10,171 Come on, burgundy boy. 602 00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:17,831 To a long life and a happy one. 603 00:23:17,874 --> 00:23:21,400 To a quick death that escapes none. 604 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:26,405 Drink to good spirits, worthy amongst friends. 605 00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:28,407 Drink that you may live, 606 00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:30,452 and may you live till the end. 607 00:23:30,496 --> 00:23:33,542 And for those who cannot, 608 00:23:33,586 --> 00:23:35,196 it has often been said... 609 00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:38,286 may we meet in heaven 610 00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:40,636 before the devil knows we're dead. 611 00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:45,206 I--I don't get it. 612 00:23:45,249 --> 00:23:47,382 That's 'cause you take your IQ with a fuckin' tire gauge. 613 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,558 [man] Oh. Somebody said it. Holy shit! 614 00:23:49,602 --> 00:23:51,865 -Cheers, guys! -[all] Cheers! 615 00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:55,651 [indistinct chatter] 616 00:23:58,306 --> 00:24:00,047 [Pete] Whoa. 617 00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,833 She's mesmerizing! 618 00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:06,009 She was mesmerizing. 619 00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:07,794 Where did you come from, dude? 620 00:24:07,837 --> 00:24:10,884 Damn. Yeah. 621 00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:14,104 You bang her? 622 00:24:15,758 --> 00:24:17,151 She was my mother. 623 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,242 You bang her? 624 00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:25,594 Bangable. 625 00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:28,510 What filter did they use to make her look old-timey? 626 00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:29,816 That's pretty cool. 627 00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:32,514 It's an original Poussin, actually. 628 00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:35,561 Painted in 1621. 629 00:24:35,604 --> 00:24:38,694 The summer before she died. 630 00:24:38,738 --> 00:24:41,044 -Poussin? -Poussin. 631 00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:42,611 [scoffs] 632 00:24:42,655 --> 00:24:45,179 I bet she got a lot of Poussin. 633 00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:48,922 No. This is my only one. 634 00:24:48,965 --> 00:24:51,359 No, bruh. 635 00:24:51,402 --> 00:24:54,667 This is a Poussin palace. 636 00:24:54,710 --> 00:24:58,018 No, it's my palace. He simply painted one picture. 637 00:24:58,061 --> 00:24:59,846 He was a family friend. 638 00:25:01,848 --> 00:25:05,895 1621, a lot of people died in 1621. 639 00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:07,288 Beheading. 640 00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:12,554 Seriously? 641 00:25:12,598 --> 00:25:14,425 It happens. 642 00:25:19,474 --> 00:25:23,696 Aha. Aha. 643 00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:27,395 "Let them eat cake!" 644 00:25:27,438 --> 00:25:28,701 Something like that. 645 00:25:28,744 --> 00:25:32,269 Yeah. "Off with their heads! 646 00:25:32,313 --> 00:25:37,927 Give me liberty or give me cake. 647 00:25:37,971 --> 00:25:41,583 Cake for them to eat 648 00:25:41,627 --> 00:25:44,891 without their heads, 649 00:25:44,934 --> 00:25:49,025 so they have no mouth to eat it!" 650 00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:52,115 Even funnier the second time. 651 00:26:01,081 --> 00:26:03,953 No fucking way! 652 00:26:03,997 --> 00:26:05,215 Uh-hmm. 653 00:26:05,259 --> 00:26:07,435 You sleep in this thing? 654 00:26:07,478 --> 00:26:09,872 Well, before blackout curtains, sure. 655 00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:13,267 It's mostly just for show now. 656 00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:17,140 A few extracurricular activities. 657 00:26:17,184 --> 00:26:18,794 Thank you. 658 00:26:18,838 --> 00:26:20,448 Thank you so much. 659 00:26:20,491 --> 00:26:23,843 Of course. Hmm. 660 00:26:24,887 --> 00:26:27,716 You were amazing. 661 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:31,111 -You were incredible. -No. My pleasure. 662 00:26:33,287 --> 00:26:36,769 I'm gonna take it those aren't your aunts? 663 00:26:36,812 --> 00:26:38,292 -Oh. -What? 664 00:26:38,335 --> 00:26:40,816 -Are you okay? -Yeah, man, I'm good. 665 00:26:40,860 --> 00:26:42,252 -Okay. -Unless you put something 666 00:26:42,296 --> 00:26:43,427 in this. You put something? 667 00:26:43,471 --> 00:26:44,820 No, no. 668 00:26:44,864 --> 00:26:47,344 You want to make this a Cosbypolitan? 669 00:26:47,388 --> 00:26:49,346 -No. Thank you. -Thank you. 670 00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:52,132 I had heard you might need an opener for this week. 671 00:26:52,175 --> 00:26:54,438 From who? 672 00:26:54,482 --> 00:26:57,137 -Chuck. -Chuck? 673 00:26:57,180 --> 00:26:59,574 -Fuck Chuck! -He may have mentioned it. 674 00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:03,099 And let me say, if you take me, 675 00:27:03,143 --> 00:27:07,451 I will drive and I will pay for every expense. 676 00:27:07,495 --> 00:27:11,499 -What? -I'll pay for everything. 677 00:27:11,542 --> 00:27:13,632 -Booze? -Yes. 678 00:27:13,675 --> 00:27:16,591 -Gas? -Yes. 679 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,680 Viagra? 680 00:27:18,724 --> 00:27:20,943 If you need it. 681 00:27:20,987 --> 00:27:22,989 Anal beads? 682 00:27:23,032 --> 00:27:24,555 I don't know where to get those, 683 00:27:24,599 --> 00:27:26,645 but I'll give you cash. 684 00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:28,298 All right. 685 00:27:28,342 --> 00:27:31,650 How about this, on top of all the expenses, 686 00:27:31,693 --> 00:27:34,914 you can also keep all the money I will get paid for opening 687 00:27:34,957 --> 00:27:36,959 as well as an additional 3,000 688 00:27:37,003 --> 00:27:40,397 on top for the opportunity? 689 00:27:40,441 --> 00:27:42,399 What do you say? 690 00:27:42,443 --> 00:27:44,706 Why? 691 00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:47,622 Money is fleeting, Pete. 692 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,624 Comedy isn't. 693 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:54,107 And I want to learn from the best, you. 694 00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:58,198 Well, I'd be an asshole if I said no. 695 00:27:58,241 --> 00:27:59,721 Yes. 696 00:27:59,765 --> 00:28:01,505 Oh, thank you, 697 00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:03,029 I am but your humble servant. 698 00:28:03,072 --> 00:28:05,248 Ha! Servant. 699 00:28:05,292 --> 00:28:07,686 Servant! You said it, Renfield. 700 00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:10,210 I was right, that bottle of wine is on point. 701 00:28:10,253 --> 00:28:11,994 Touche. 702 00:28:12,038 --> 00:28:14,040 So, we're good? 703 00:28:14,083 --> 00:28:15,737 Yeah, we're good. 704 00:28:15,781 --> 00:28:18,218 -Wonderful. -Let me tell you something. 705 00:28:19,349 --> 00:28:23,005 I'm not sucking your dick, 706 00:28:23,049 --> 00:28:24,528 and more importantly... 707 00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:27,618 you're not sucking my dick. 708 00:28:30,056 --> 00:28:32,754 Look, just--I don't-- just no dicks, okay? 709 00:28:32,798 --> 00:28:35,017 No dicks, okay? 710 00:28:35,061 --> 00:28:36,627 No touching tips. 711 00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,194 No, "Hey, show me yours, I'll show you mine." 712 00:28:38,238 --> 00:28:42,372 It ain't fucking summer camp, okay? 713 00:28:42,416 --> 00:28:44,113 Understood. 714 00:28:44,157 --> 00:28:46,725 To our dickless adventure. 715 00:28:50,250 --> 00:28:51,512 All right. 716 00:28:51,555 --> 00:28:53,383 Dude, you win. 717 00:28:53,427 --> 00:28:57,126 There's no way I would ever agree to take him with me. 718 00:28:57,170 --> 00:28:59,476 Guy has a freaking coffin. 719 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:03,132 I'm almost sure that is mostly for show. 720 00:29:03,176 --> 00:29:04,743 How do you know that? 721 00:29:04,786 --> 00:29:07,920 Hmm, because he told me with his words, Pete. 722 00:29:07,963 --> 00:29:10,792 You got to cut out this jealousy bullshit. 723 00:29:10,836 --> 00:29:12,576 I'm not jealous. 724 00:29:12,620 --> 00:29:13,708 But you're still my girlfriend, right, 725 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,318 or did I miss that memo? 726 00:29:15,362 --> 00:29:17,494 -Girlfriend. Right. -[Pete] Yeah, girlfriend. 727 00:29:17,538 --> 00:29:19,801 Hmm, more like pit stop when you drift into town 728 00:29:19,845 --> 00:29:22,804 -every six weeks. -Oh, Jesus Christ. 729 00:29:22,848 --> 00:29:26,286 -Come on. -[Stephanie] No. You come on. 730 00:29:26,329 --> 00:29:27,940 Honey, you're always on the road, 731 00:29:27,983 --> 00:29:29,593 which I understand, but you barely even text me 732 00:29:29,637 --> 00:29:31,160 in between spells of inebriation 733 00:29:31,204 --> 00:29:32,727 and hangover, 734 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,468 which is a very small window, by the way. 735 00:29:34,511 --> 00:29:37,384 Okay. First of all, like my thumbs get tired, okay? 736 00:29:37,427 --> 00:29:40,430 Second of all, I lose battery power. 737 00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:42,606 And third of all, that's just not true. 738 00:29:42,650 --> 00:29:44,521 It's abso-fucking-lutely true. 739 00:29:44,565 --> 00:29:46,045 Oh, and irrelevant. 740 00:29:46,088 --> 00:29:48,003 Ethan is my friend. Period. 741 00:29:48,047 --> 00:29:50,789 He's a good guy and I want you to get to know him. 742 00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:52,703 He's your friend? 743 00:29:55,010 --> 00:29:56,620 Why? 744 00:29:56,664 --> 00:29:58,187 He's like 12. 745 00:29:58,231 --> 00:29:59,798 Ew! 746 00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:01,756 Epstein much? 747 00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:04,803 [Stephanie] Okay. Well, that 12-year-old 748 00:30:04,846 --> 00:30:06,282 is wise beyond his years 749 00:30:06,326 --> 00:30:07,849 and you could learn a thing or two. 750 00:30:07,893 --> 00:30:11,374 Like what, how to hang upside down? 751 00:30:11,418 --> 00:30:13,681 Stop being a titty-baby and look in the mirror. 752 00:30:13,724 --> 00:30:16,336 -No. Yes. 753 00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,077 -I don't wanna. -[Stephanie] Look in the mirror. 754 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:19,861 -[Pete] You can't make me. -Look in the mirror, Pete. 755 00:30:19,905 --> 00:30:22,168 All right. I'll look. I'll look. 756 00:30:22,211 --> 00:30:23,691 Jesus Christ. 757 00:30:23,734 --> 00:30:26,912 Ethan is you when you first started, 758 00:30:26,955 --> 00:30:28,565 when you were hungry and thirsty, 759 00:30:28,609 --> 00:30:31,830 and willing to sacrifice anything for a laugh. 760 00:30:31,873 --> 00:30:33,788 Do you even remember that, Pete? 761 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:35,834 Yeah. 762 00:30:35,877 --> 00:30:39,141 Because that "anything" became me. 763 00:30:42,623 --> 00:30:43,842 I'm sorry. 764 00:30:45,191 --> 00:30:46,714 I don't know what happened all these years, 765 00:30:46,757 --> 00:30:48,847 you know, just chasing a laugh. 766 00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:50,239 But I never ever lost-- 767 00:30:50,283 --> 00:30:52,807 Lost sight of me. Yeah. 768 00:30:57,638 --> 00:31:00,206 How'd you know I was gonna say that? 769 00:31:00,249 --> 00:31:01,337 [Stephanie] Because I know you better 770 00:31:01,381 --> 00:31:03,383 than you know yourself. 771 00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:05,907 But, of course, you seem to have forgotten that. 772 00:31:08,954 --> 00:31:10,433 No. I just--look. 773 00:31:10,477 --> 00:31:11,695 But just... 774 00:31:15,656 --> 00:31:20,356 you haven't been the same since Charlie. 775 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,228 But I promised you, I would always be there 776 00:31:22,271 --> 00:31:25,318 for you and here I am. 777 00:31:25,361 --> 00:31:28,408 But it's pretty clear that... 778 00:31:28,451 --> 00:31:31,498 the old Pete isn't coming back. 779 00:31:31,541 --> 00:31:33,021 But that's okay. 780 00:31:33,065 --> 00:31:34,936 Maybe this is a chance at a new beginning. 781 00:31:36,895 --> 00:31:39,158 You need this, Pete. 782 00:31:39,201 --> 00:31:40,724 We both do. 783 00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:47,035 Or maybe you just need someone to keep tabs on me? 784 00:31:47,079 --> 00:31:49,429 Oh, my God. Are you kidding me right now? 785 00:31:49,472 --> 00:31:50,996 -[Pete] What? -You don't think I'm aware 786 00:31:51,039 --> 00:31:53,041 of the D-grade slags that cling onto you 787 00:31:53,085 --> 00:31:56,566 in between truck stop towns and dingy-ass dive bars. 788 00:31:56,610 --> 00:31:59,047 Hold on. D? 789 00:31:59,091 --> 00:32:01,963 D, like double D. 790 00:32:02,007 --> 00:32:04,835 Okay. What? I can't help who talks to me. 791 00:32:04,879 --> 00:32:06,620 -What do you want from me? -I don't know. 792 00:32:06,663 --> 00:32:08,187 But maybe I'll find the answer in your phone. 793 00:32:08,230 --> 00:32:09,971 Maybe if I peruse through your text, 794 00:32:10,015 --> 00:32:12,147 I'm gonna find a bunch of late-night conspicuous 795 00:32:12,191 --> 00:32:14,280 belfies from your harlot fan club. 796 00:32:14,323 --> 00:32:16,412 What's a belfie? 797 00:32:16,456 --> 00:32:18,545 It's a butt selfie. Come on. 798 00:32:18,588 --> 00:32:19,938 Get on it, grandpa. 799 00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:21,374 I don't know. I'm-- 800 00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:23,245 That's besides the point, okay? 801 00:32:23,289 --> 00:32:25,769 My loyalty only goes so far. 802 00:32:27,075 --> 00:32:28,511 You know what? Fine. Whatever. 803 00:32:28,555 --> 00:32:29,991 I'll take him, okay? 804 00:32:30,035 --> 00:32:31,079 I don't have time for this. 805 00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:32,646 Good. 806 00:32:33,995 --> 00:32:36,519 You know what? It's right there. 807 00:32:36,563 --> 00:32:37,912 -Knock yourself out. -I will. 808 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,566 -I have to pack. -Okay. 809 00:32:39,609 --> 00:32:41,176 -Have fun. -I will. 810 00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:42,308 -Go for it. -Great. 811 00:32:42,351 --> 00:32:43,352 -Yeah. -Fun times. 812 00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:45,006 -Enjoy yourself. -Uh-hmm. 813 00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,400 -Good convo. -Yeah. Thanks. 814 00:32:47,443 --> 00:32:49,532 [cell phone vibrates] 815 00:32:58,063 --> 00:33:00,152 You got so lucky. 816 00:33:01,762 --> 00:33:03,503 Hello? 817 00:33:03,546 --> 00:33:07,246 Oh, hey, Roy. 818 00:33:07,289 --> 00:33:09,683 Sounding extra manly today, dude. 819 00:33:09,726 --> 00:33:12,251 What's up? 820 00:33:12,294 --> 00:33:13,730 No. I don't wanna play a strip club. 821 00:33:13,774 --> 00:33:15,732 That's disgusting. 822 00:33:15,776 --> 00:33:17,821 Do you have any more man gigs? 823 00:33:17,865 --> 00:33:22,348 Do you have any bachelor-er parties, but all dudes? 824 00:33:22,391 --> 00:33:24,306 [Stephanie] We get it. 825 00:33:24,350 --> 00:33:27,614 What? Perhaps an old folk's home? 826 00:33:27,657 --> 00:33:31,139 -[Stephanie] Die! -That'd be fantastic. 827 00:33:31,183 --> 00:33:32,836 [singer] ♪ Here we go At the top♪ 828 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:35,056 ♪ Of the class honor roll♪ 829 00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:36,318 ♪ And it's time to run it up♪ 830 00:33:36,362 --> 00:33:38,320 ♪ Yeah, you know♪ 831 00:33:38,364 --> 00:33:40,540 ♪ Maxed out, put the pedal To the floor, ey♪ 832 00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:42,455 ♪ On a roll, here we go, Here we go♪ 833 00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,066 ♪ Yeah, we winning By a landslide♪ 834 00:33:45,110 --> 00:33:48,026 ♪ Never see me coming, I'm a landmine, yeah♪ 835 00:33:48,069 --> 00:33:51,377 ♪ I ain't taking orders In command, like, yeah♪ 836 00:33:51,420 --> 00:33:54,119 -[Pete] You fart? -[Ethan] Vampires don't fart. 837 00:33:54,162 --> 00:33:56,382 [Pete] Then you're a werewolf because I smell a fart. 838 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,132 Welcome to East Bumfuck, Nevada, kid. 839 00:34:07,175 --> 00:34:09,917 ZIP code EIEIO. 840 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,833 Where incest is a gym credit. 841 00:34:12,876 --> 00:34:15,401 -That's funny. -I know. 842 00:34:15,444 --> 00:34:17,794 -Are you going to use that? -No. 843 00:34:19,535 --> 00:34:21,668 [Ethan] There are holes in the walls. 844 00:34:21,711 --> 00:34:23,452 [Pete] Bullet or glory? 845 00:34:23,496 --> 00:34:25,324 [Ethan] I'm afraid to ask. 846 00:34:25,367 --> 00:34:30,285 I often sympathize with, uh, female reproductive system 847 00:34:30,329 --> 00:34:34,072 as I myself am late for everything. 848 00:34:34,115 --> 00:34:35,986 I mean, I once joined a Doomsday Cult. 849 00:34:36,030 --> 00:34:38,772 By the time I got there, everybody was dead. 850 00:34:38,815 --> 00:34:42,254 And worse, out of Kool-Aid. 851 00:34:43,385 --> 00:34:45,170 They should've saved some Kool-Aid for that one, huh? 852 00:34:45,213 --> 00:34:46,345 [laughter] 853 00:34:46,388 --> 00:34:48,129 What's that? 854 00:34:48,173 --> 00:34:51,654 -Nothing. -No. You said something, cowboy. 855 00:34:53,613 --> 00:34:56,137 I said they should've saved some Kool-Aid for you 856 00:34:56,181 --> 00:34:58,531 'cause you are out of jokes... 857 00:34:58,574 --> 00:35:00,446 -[crowd] Ooh. -...cowgirl. 858 00:35:00,489 --> 00:35:05,755 This coming from the mayor of Nevada Incest 859 00:35:05,799 --> 00:35:10,412 Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole? 860 00:35:10,456 --> 00:35:13,023 -Next! -[man] Whoa. 861 00:35:13,067 --> 00:35:15,243 I knew I'd catch something in here. 862 00:35:17,419 --> 00:35:19,029 [Pete] Guys, I gotta tell you. 863 00:35:19,073 --> 00:35:20,901 This is like the Radio City Music Hall 864 00:35:20,944 --> 00:35:22,685 of strip club gigs. I gotta tell you. 865 00:35:23,904 --> 00:35:28,561 Uh, we have open mike night here, uh, Wednesday. 866 00:35:28,604 --> 00:35:30,606 Ladies, is it open leg night? 867 00:35:32,217 --> 00:35:34,523 You know, some of these jokes work better with teeth. 868 00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:36,046 You guys remember teeth? 869 00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,918 [laughs] 870 00:35:37,961 --> 00:35:40,268 Let's give one more round of applause for the, uh, 871 00:35:40,312 --> 00:35:42,488 train wreck that is Ethan Barr. 872 00:35:44,229 --> 00:35:47,884 No. His job as opener is to make me look better. 873 00:35:47,928 --> 00:35:50,278 And he knocked it out of the park. 874 00:35:50,322 --> 00:35:52,976 He--right. He was-- 875 00:35:55,588 --> 00:35:58,634 he killed that shit. 876 00:35:58,678 --> 00:36:01,811 Next week, you guys can see me at a truck stop in Laughlin. 877 00:36:01,855 --> 00:36:03,987 I'll be playing a parking structure in Reno. 878 00:36:04,031 --> 00:36:07,426 I'm Pete Brennan. Goodnight! 879 00:36:07,469 --> 00:36:11,734 [crowd cheering] 880 00:36:11,778 --> 00:36:13,345 [man] Whoo! 881 00:36:13,388 --> 00:36:14,607 [singer] ♪ [indistinct]♪ 882 00:36:14,650 --> 00:36:16,826 ♪ Show that money click♪ 883 00:36:16,870 --> 00:36:19,873 ♪ Since she got it, Make that money click♪ 884 00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:22,658 ♪ [indistinct]♪ 885 00:36:22,702 --> 00:36:25,313 ♪ All I got is money On my mind♪ 886 00:36:25,357 --> 00:36:27,228 ♪ Dedicate this [indistinct]♪ 887 00:36:27,272 --> 00:36:29,230 Sorry about heckling y'all earlier. 888 00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:31,189 Thought maybe it should help. 889 00:36:31,232 --> 00:36:34,235 Guess what, it never helps. 890 00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:35,932 Well, let me buy you a drink. 891 00:36:35,976 --> 00:36:38,500 Guess what, that always helps. 892 00:36:38,544 --> 00:36:40,415 All right 893 00:36:40,459 --> 00:36:42,809 [speaking foreign language] Please. Everybody. 894 00:36:42,852 --> 00:36:45,246 What did he say? 895 00:36:45,290 --> 00:36:46,508 Uh, I'm gonna be right back. 896 00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,644 Never say, "I'll be right back." 897 00:36:51,687 --> 00:36:53,994 I'm just going to splash some water on my face. 898 00:36:54,037 --> 00:36:56,518 Uh, ladies' room is that way. 899 00:36:56,562 --> 00:36:59,391 We don't have one of those non-gender ones, 900 00:36:59,434 --> 00:37:01,393 you'll just have to make do. 901 00:37:03,438 --> 00:37:06,615 Your young fella there seems a bit touched. 902 00:37:06,659 --> 00:37:08,356 Where did you find him? 903 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,663 He was a keynote speaker at a flat-earth convention. 904 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,842 -[laughs] -Oh! 905 00:37:15,885 --> 00:37:17,322 You had us going there. 906 00:37:17,365 --> 00:37:20,412 Ah? Ah? 907 00:37:20,455 --> 00:37:22,631 Ain't that right? 908 00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:25,068 [laughs] 909 00:37:25,112 --> 00:37:27,897 Yeah, I'm gonna go check on the young buck. 910 00:37:27,941 --> 00:37:30,073 You said the ladies' room was that way? 911 00:37:30,117 --> 00:37:33,163 That, see, he's the funny one for sure. 912 00:37:33,207 --> 00:37:36,123 -I try. I try. -Don't get lost. 913 00:37:36,166 --> 00:37:38,343 Is that on your tab, Billy Ray? 914 00:37:38,386 --> 00:37:40,301 [Billy Ray] Hell no. Separate bills. 915 00:37:40,345 --> 00:37:42,347 But they pay for both. 916 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,311 What the fuck are you doing? 917 00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:51,878 [Ethan] It's just blood, Pete. 918 00:37:51,921 --> 00:37:54,141 Can you quit the fucking vampire routine. 919 00:37:54,184 --> 00:37:57,187 It's not a routine. It's a necessity. 920 00:37:57,231 --> 00:37:58,841 Don't worry. I don't need any of yours. 921 00:37:58,885 --> 00:38:00,843 Okay. I may be a little bit buzzed, okay? 922 00:38:00,887 --> 00:38:04,107 But I'm not a dickhead. Look, look, look. 923 00:38:04,151 --> 00:38:05,761 If you're a vampire, how come you have a reflection? 924 00:38:05,805 --> 00:38:07,807 Because that's a myth. 925 00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:09,809 Like garlic or a stake through the heart, 926 00:38:09,852 --> 00:38:11,201 that would kill anybody. 927 00:38:11,245 --> 00:38:12,290 Well, how have I been outside with you 928 00:38:12,333 --> 00:38:13,900 in the sun like three times? 929 00:38:13,943 --> 00:38:16,990 I just can't be in direct sunlight for very long. 930 00:38:17,033 --> 00:38:20,254 Pete, I have a very rare condition called Porphyria. 931 00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,430 It affects my hemoglobin if I don't inject. 932 00:38:22,474 --> 00:38:24,345 -Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop. -Pete, listen to me. 933 00:38:24,389 --> 00:38:26,129 No. You listen to me, okay? 934 00:38:26,173 --> 00:38:28,349 I know I'm not one to give life advice, all right? 935 00:38:28,393 --> 00:38:30,569 I drink too much. I eat like shit. 936 00:38:30,612 --> 00:38:32,701 I haven't worn a condom since 1992. 937 00:38:32,745 --> 00:38:33,963 But heroin-- 938 00:38:34,007 --> 00:38:36,357 I told you, it's blood. 939 00:38:36,401 --> 00:38:39,012 I know people that I loved 940 00:38:39,055 --> 00:38:41,362 who died on that shit, man. 941 00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:43,669 Brilliant comedians. And it crushed me. 942 00:38:43,712 --> 00:38:46,933 You think I wanna deal and watch your open mike ass croak? 943 00:38:46,976 --> 00:38:48,891 And you think for goddamn sure 944 00:38:48,935 --> 00:38:51,851 I don't wanna call your parents that you OD'd on my watch? 945 00:38:51,894 --> 00:38:54,375 You won't have to report to anyone. 946 00:38:54,419 --> 00:38:56,203 I never knew my father. 947 00:38:56,246 --> 00:38:59,728 And as you've been told, my mother was behead in 1621. 948 00:38:59,772 --> 00:39:03,515 Oh, my God. Your generation is so weird. 949 00:39:03,558 --> 00:39:05,473 Look, I give you credit, okay? 950 00:39:05,517 --> 00:39:07,867 You didn't demand a separate bathroom 'cause you "identify" 951 00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:10,435 as a vampire, but come-- 952 00:39:10,478 --> 00:39:12,741 give me a fuckin' break, bro. 953 00:39:24,492 --> 00:39:26,233 What the fuck? 954 00:39:26,276 --> 00:39:28,235 Don't worry. 955 00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:30,193 I would never bite you, Pete. 956 00:39:31,978 --> 00:39:33,545 I got to quit drinking. 957 00:39:35,198 --> 00:39:37,331 That's not a bad idea. 958 00:39:40,116 --> 00:39:41,422 Whoa. 959 00:39:41,466 --> 00:39:43,337 I'm not interrupting some kind 960 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:45,557 of Brokeback Mountainmoment, am I? 961 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,516 [laughing] 962 00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:51,737 You mind while I unwind? 963 00:39:51,780 --> 00:39:54,566 It's that big. 964 00:39:54,609 --> 00:39:56,524 I got to lay off pills. 965 00:39:58,221 --> 00:39:59,832 I might eat him. 966 00:39:59,875 --> 00:40:00,920 [Billy Ray] What? 967 00:40:05,925 --> 00:40:07,317 Morning, morning, morning. 968 00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:09,363 Hello, hello, hello. I'm Carrie. 969 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,757 I'm the producer of Minky & Connie in the Morning. 970 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,236 I'm guessing by those droopy eyes 971 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:14,629 you must be our whacky comedians? 972 00:40:14,673 --> 00:40:16,414 Busted. 973 00:40:16,457 --> 00:40:18,154 You totally forgot the Visine, bro. 974 00:40:18,198 --> 00:40:20,374 [chuckles] See? I can already tell you're funny. 975 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,464 Now, if I can just have you fill out these forms, please. 976 00:40:23,508 --> 00:40:25,423 What's this? 977 00:40:25,466 --> 00:40:26,989 Just a little background info with lead-ins for your skits. 978 00:40:27,033 --> 00:40:28,556 You don't have to write the whole joke out, 979 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,428 just an idea of what you're gonna say. 980 00:40:30,471 --> 00:40:32,342 Think of it like doing panel for a late night talk show. 981 00:40:32,386 --> 00:40:34,301 -Carrie, is it? -Uh-hmm. 982 00:40:34,344 --> 00:40:36,303 -You're new here? -Uh-uh. 983 00:40:36,346 --> 00:40:39,828 We find it's better just to be spontaneous. 984 00:40:39,872 --> 00:40:41,482 Pete, is it? 985 00:40:41,526 --> 00:40:43,876 We find that, because you're on a D-List tour, 986 00:40:43,919 --> 00:40:46,748 you D-List comedians consider this a D-List station. 987 00:40:46,792 --> 00:40:48,794 Guess what, it's not. 988 00:40:48,837 --> 00:40:51,144 We stream nationally online and satellite radio. 989 00:40:51,187 --> 00:40:54,495 I'm well-aware that organic comedy generally works better. 990 00:40:54,539 --> 00:40:56,497 However, most comics come in here hung over 991 00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:58,412 whining about why they have to do radio at 6:00 a.m. 992 00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:00,153 when the show they're plugging isn't until 9:00 p.m. 993 00:41:00,196 --> 00:41:02,503 And it's true, most people listening this morning 994 00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:04,026 probably won't go tonight. 995 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:05,767 But we have such a loyal fan base, 996 00:41:05,811 --> 00:41:07,508 they might just follow you on social media. 997 00:41:07,552 --> 00:41:09,684 Get your ten followers up. 998 00:41:09,728 --> 00:41:12,034 Or perhaps they just enjoy watching clips of old cisgender 999 00:41:12,078 --> 00:41:13,514 white male wash-up comedians, 1000 00:41:13,558 --> 00:41:15,951 vagina-shaming hotel clerks. Okay? 1001 00:41:17,083 --> 00:41:18,650 Who are you? 1002 00:41:19,781 --> 00:41:21,696 It was a joke. 1003 00:41:21,740 --> 00:41:23,872 Hmm, I saw. So funny, I forgot to laugh. 1004 00:41:23,916 --> 00:41:25,918 Anyhoo, I can tell you that 1005 00:41:25,961 --> 00:41:28,137 last week's guests were hilarious. 1006 00:41:28,181 --> 00:41:30,052 So, I highly suggest you bring your "A-game" today. 1007 00:41:30,096 --> 00:41:31,271 Understood? 1008 00:41:31,314 --> 00:41:32,838 Okay. Good talks. 1009 00:41:32,881 --> 00:41:34,579 I'll give you a minute to fill out your form, 1010 00:41:34,622 --> 00:41:36,537 and then I'll come back to bring you guys into the studio. 1011 00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:38,408 Okay? Okay. 1012 00:41:38,452 --> 00:41:39,671 Done? 1013 00:41:41,237 --> 00:41:43,065 Why, thank you. 1014 00:41:44,937 --> 00:41:46,068 [chuckles] 1015 00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:01,562 What's a blue waffle? 1016 00:42:08,613 --> 00:42:10,092 All right. They'll be ready for you after the break. 1017 00:42:10,136 --> 00:42:11,790 If you guys will just follow me. 1018 00:42:13,052 --> 00:42:15,097 Thank you. 1019 00:42:15,141 --> 00:42:18,318 Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope. 1020 00:42:20,233 --> 00:42:22,235 Ugh. 1021 00:42:22,278 --> 00:42:24,890 [Ethan] Seriously, what makes it blue? 1022 00:42:27,806 --> 00:42:29,851 Okay. When that light goes off, we're good to go. 1023 00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:33,855 Ready? In three, two, one. 1024 00:42:33,899 --> 00:42:35,509 -Good timing. -Oh, thank you. 1025 00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:37,163 Not bad for a newbie, huh? 1026 00:42:37,206 --> 00:42:38,643 Your father owns the station, doesn't he? 1027 00:42:38,686 --> 00:42:40,470 How's your hairline? 1028 00:42:45,301 --> 00:42:46,955 [man] Remember when getting away... 1029 00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:48,740 [Minky] Hey, guys. Take a seat. Give me a sec. 1030 00:42:48,783 --> 00:42:50,480 [man] ...the family and hitting the road? 1031 00:42:50,524 --> 00:42:51,873 So, we're back in 30. We're gonna do a quick wrap 1032 00:42:51,917 --> 00:42:53,571 then we'll bring you guys on, 1033 00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:56,008 take a few phone calls, give away a few tickets. 1034 00:42:56,051 --> 00:42:59,011 You guys will be back in bed before sunrise. 1035 00:42:59,054 --> 00:43:02,405 Oh, all right. Oh, that shit was good. 1036 00:43:02,449 --> 00:43:04,190 Those are your cans right there. 1037 00:43:04,233 --> 00:43:05,844 Put them on and make sure you get really close to the mic 1038 00:43:05,887 --> 00:43:07,367 like it's a big old "you know what". 1039 00:43:07,410 --> 00:43:10,152 [man] [indistinct] 1040 00:43:10,196 --> 00:43:11,980 -[man] Hey, folks. -[Minky] Hey, folks. 1041 00:43:12,024 --> 00:43:13,895 Welcome back to Minky & Connie in the Morning 1042 00:43:13,939 --> 00:43:16,594 where we put the Big O back in KBLO. 1043 00:43:16,637 --> 00:43:18,857 [Connie] All right. Who knows that better than you, Minky? 1044 00:43:18,900 --> 00:43:20,336 [Minky] Hey-oh. 1045 00:43:20,380 --> 00:43:22,208 It's 6:06 this dreary Tuesday morning. 1046 00:43:22,251 --> 00:43:23,513 But here to bring some sunshine, 1047 00:43:23,557 --> 00:43:25,298 we're talking to the comics 1048 00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:27,169 who are gonna be performing tonight at the Rusty Nail. 1049 00:43:27,213 --> 00:43:29,171 [Connie] Pete Brennan and Ethan Barr. 1050 00:43:29,215 --> 00:43:31,870 -Hey-oh. -Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. 1051 00:43:31,913 --> 00:43:33,393 How are you boys doing this morning? 1052 00:43:33,436 --> 00:43:35,177 Uh, peachy. 1053 00:43:35,221 --> 00:43:38,703 Just--yeah, we're not as caffeinated as you guys. 1054 00:43:38,746 --> 00:43:40,487 You did cocaine. 1055 00:43:40,530 --> 00:43:42,576 [tape screeches] 1056 00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:43,664 That's hysterical! 1057 00:43:43,708 --> 00:43:45,274 [laughing] They got jokes. 1058 00:43:45,318 --> 00:43:46,841 -That is so funny. -You said it, Connie. 1059 00:43:46,885 --> 00:43:48,713 Now, Pete, it says here you're originally 1060 00:43:48,756 --> 00:43:50,845 from Pittsburg and have appeared on The Tonight Show? 1061 00:43:50,889 --> 00:43:52,499 That's right. Yeah. I... 1062 00:43:52,542 --> 00:43:54,632 I loved that show when Johnny Carson was the host. 1063 00:43:54,675 --> 00:43:56,155 He was the best, then Dave Letterman. 1064 00:43:56,198 --> 00:43:57,635 I miss Dave. Uh, 1065 00:43:57,678 --> 00:43:59,288 have you seen his new interview shows? 1066 00:43:59,332 --> 00:44:00,812 [Minky] I have it cued up and I haven't had a chance 1067 00:44:00,855 --> 00:44:02,204 to watch it yet. I'm still finishing up Ozark. 1068 00:44:02,248 --> 00:44:04,642 Shut up. I just binged that last week. 1069 00:44:04,685 --> 00:44:06,078 Don't spoil it, Connie. 1070 00:44:06,121 --> 00:44:07,340 Well, I--hmm. 1071 00:44:07,383 --> 00:44:09,995 So Pete, what's your skit like? 1072 00:44:10,038 --> 00:44:12,475 Well, I do mix of character. I do political... 1073 00:44:12,519 --> 00:44:14,347 It says--wait, wait. It says here 1074 00:44:14,390 --> 00:44:15,827 you have a really good joke about you losing your luggage 1075 00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:17,611 on the way here? What the hell is that about? 1076 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:19,657 -Man, I hate when that happens! -Doesn't everyone? 1077 00:44:19,700 --> 00:44:22,834 Especially Pete because, y'all, he drove. 1078 00:44:22,877 --> 00:44:25,619 Oh. Pete, I gotta hear that joke. 1079 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:26,794 Do the joke. 1080 00:44:26,838 --> 00:44:28,100 Do it. Do the joke. 1081 00:44:28,143 --> 00:44:30,276 Um, you just did. 1082 00:44:30,319 --> 00:44:31,669 She told you the punchline. 1083 00:44:33,409 --> 00:44:34,846 Right. 1084 00:44:34,889 --> 00:44:36,108 Ethan. 1085 00:44:36,151 --> 00:44:37,631 I am loving this whole 1086 00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:39,981 "emo" thing you have going on. Hmm. 1087 00:44:40,025 --> 00:44:43,985 Baby, I could just eat that ass up. 1088 00:44:44,029 --> 00:44:46,901 -Well, I am a vampire. -I know, right? 1089 00:44:46,945 --> 00:44:49,121 Especially with these late hours, it sure feels that way. 1090 00:44:49,164 --> 00:44:50,949 I know. We should just wrap this up 1091 00:44:50,992 --> 00:44:52,385 before the sun comes up, right? 1092 00:44:52,428 --> 00:44:54,300 Actually, that's a myth. 1093 00:44:54,343 --> 00:44:55,736 We can be on the sun just like-- 1094 00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:57,346 Favorite vampire movie, I say 1095 00:44:57,390 --> 00:44:58,739 Dracula: Dead & Loving It. 1096 00:44:58,783 --> 00:45:00,480 Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked 1097 00:45:00,523 --> 00:45:01,916 into the whole Twilight craze. 1098 00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:03,396 "Sucked" being the operative word 1099 00:45:03,439 --> 00:45:04,919 as those films certainly did suck. 1100 00:45:06,399 --> 00:45:07,705 He's a comedian now. 1101 00:45:07,748 --> 00:45:09,054 Look at that, Minky. 1102 00:45:09,097 --> 00:45:10,316 See? It's not so hard. 1103 00:45:10,359 --> 00:45:12,448 You can do it. Good job. 1104 00:45:12,492 --> 00:45:14,886 So Ethan, back to us. 1105 00:45:14,929 --> 00:45:17,192 So, since you're part of that whole undead family, 1106 00:45:17,236 --> 00:45:19,455 which you're so freakin' sexy, 1107 00:45:19,499 --> 00:45:22,676 what is your favorite vampire movie, hmm? 1108 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,286 Well, you see, the problem is, 1109 00:45:24,330 --> 00:45:27,637 they aren't usually historically accurate. 1110 00:45:27,681 --> 00:45:29,596 -But I suppose Bladeis-- -Come on. 1111 00:45:29,639 --> 00:45:31,250 Interview with the Vampire, they nailed it. 1112 00:45:31,293 --> 00:45:33,513 -Yeah. -They didn't. 1113 00:45:33,556 --> 00:45:35,950 Uh, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Dream team! 1114 00:45:35,994 --> 00:45:37,212 And that little girl, what was her name? 1115 00:45:37,256 --> 00:45:38,823 I don't know. She like 1116 00:45:38,866 --> 00:45:40,912 screwed Spiderman or something, like, dirt, dust. 1117 00:45:40,955 --> 00:45:42,740 -Kirsten Durst. -Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey. 1118 00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:44,306 You--look, you cheated, Minky. 1119 00:45:44,350 --> 00:45:46,265 It's Kirsten Dunst. 1120 00:45:46,308 --> 00:45:47,527 I was looking up something else. 1121 00:45:47,570 --> 00:45:48,963 Oh, now you're gonna lie? 1122 00:45:49,007 --> 00:45:50,182 You're gonna lie to the people. 1123 00:45:50,225 --> 00:45:51,836 Okay. If you think Minky lied, 1124 00:45:51,879 --> 00:45:53,794 I want you to tell us on Twitter right now. 1125 00:45:53,838 --> 00:45:55,796 All right. Thank you so much, Pete and Ethan. 1126 00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,189 I appreciate y'all for being here. 1127 00:45:57,232 --> 00:45:58,712 Or as they should call themselves, 1128 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,019 the comedy duo of A-bat and Costello. 1129 00:46:01,062 --> 00:46:03,717 [laughing] Good one, yeah. 1130 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,501 Coming up after the break, 1131 00:46:05,545 --> 00:46:07,068 we're gonna open up the phone lines 1132 00:46:07,112 --> 00:46:08,809 and we're gonna be talking to the sexy girls 1133 00:46:08,853 --> 00:46:10,376 from the Rabbit Ranch who are gonna be showing up 1134 00:46:10,419 --> 00:46:12,987 to test out some new "adult products". 1135 00:46:13,031 --> 00:46:15,555 Ooh, my kind of talk show. 1136 00:46:15,598 --> 00:46:17,513 All right. You don't wanna miss that. 1137 00:46:17,557 --> 00:46:20,342 And if anyone wants some free tickets to tonight's show, 1138 00:46:20,386 --> 00:46:23,084 I want you to hashtag Ethan is a Vampire. 1139 00:46:23,128 --> 00:46:24,956 Also, #MinkyLies. 1140 00:46:24,999 --> 00:46:27,306 [Minky] We'll be back in five. 1141 00:46:27,349 --> 00:46:29,221 Oh. 1142 00:46:29,264 --> 00:46:31,527 That was great, guys. You're the best segment we've ever had. 1143 00:46:31,571 --> 00:46:33,225 I really appreciate you guys being here. 1144 00:46:33,268 --> 00:46:34,574 [Minky] You guys did really well. Thank you so much 1145 00:46:34,617 --> 00:46:36,010 for stopping by. That was wonderful work. 1146 00:46:36,054 --> 00:46:38,926 Yeah. I'm just so fucking high right now. 1147 00:46:38,970 --> 00:46:41,929 Can someone punch me in the face? 1148 00:46:41,973 --> 00:46:43,496 Just punch me square in the face. 1149 00:46:43,539 --> 00:46:44,627 No, Pete. Why? 1150 00:46:44,671 --> 00:46:46,325 You wanna do a shot? 1151 00:46:46,368 --> 00:46:48,196 I gotta go to my chiropractor this afternoon. 1152 00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:50,242 [Connie] You're such a square. 1153 00:46:50,285 --> 00:46:52,505 Fuck it. [sniffles] 1154 00:46:52,548 --> 00:46:54,942 All right. Come on in. We're so excited to have you. 1155 00:46:54,986 --> 00:46:57,075 Just go with it and be spontaneous. 1156 00:46:57,118 --> 00:46:59,120 We found it works so much better that way, okay? 1157 00:46:59,164 --> 00:47:00,818 Okay. 1158 00:47:00,861 --> 00:47:02,167 [singer] ♪ When I'm entering the convo♪ 1159 00:47:02,210 --> 00:47:03,168 [Minky] Hey, hey, hey. Good morning. 1160 00:47:03,211 --> 00:47:04,952 How are you guys? 1161 00:47:04,996 --> 00:47:07,215 You sit over there [indistinct] 1162 00:47:07,259 --> 00:47:08,738 Does that girl have a bag of dicks? 1163 00:47:08,782 --> 00:47:09,827 Uh-hmm. 1164 00:47:11,176 --> 00:47:12,742 That's my career. 1165 00:47:12,786 --> 00:47:14,701 My career has been following a bag of dicks. 1166 00:47:14,744 --> 00:47:16,094 That's just where I'm at. 1167 00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:19,619 Wow. 1168 00:47:19,662 --> 00:47:21,490 That, um... 1169 00:47:21,534 --> 00:47:25,407 Ethan's a Vampire hashtag has over a thousand retweets. 1170 00:47:25,451 --> 00:47:26,800 Huh. 1171 00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,671 You're trending in Area 51. 1172 00:47:28,715 --> 00:47:30,630 Embrace it. 1173 00:47:30,673 --> 00:47:32,066 How so? 1174 00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:33,633 I don't know. 1175 00:47:33,676 --> 00:47:36,375 I haven't quite figured you out yet, 1176 00:47:36,418 --> 00:47:38,986 but you seem to be all-in with this whole vampire thing. 1177 00:47:39,030 --> 00:47:41,467 So, I think you should just run with it. 1178 00:47:41,510 --> 00:47:43,773 I am a vampire, Pete. 1179 00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:47,908 See? Now I believe you believe that, which is good. 1180 00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:50,171 It takes comics years to find their voice. 1181 00:47:50,215 --> 00:47:51,999 You did it in a few months. 1182 00:47:52,043 --> 00:47:53,522 [sighs] 1183 00:47:53,566 --> 00:47:55,916 I'm sorry. I--I--I don't follow. 1184 00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:57,700 Look. 1185 00:47:57,744 --> 00:47:59,702 I know my place in this business, okay? 1186 00:47:59,746 --> 00:48:01,356 I'm a cisgender 1187 00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:05,143 white male piece of shit, okay? 1188 00:48:05,186 --> 00:48:08,624 There's millions of "mes" out there, okay? 1189 00:48:08,668 --> 00:48:10,191 It's a different ballgame today. 1190 00:48:10,235 --> 00:48:11,932 It's not just about being funny anymore. 1191 00:48:11,976 --> 00:48:13,716 It's about how many social media followers you have, 1192 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,457 what box do you check 1193 00:48:15,501 --> 00:48:17,155 or about a gimmick. 1194 00:48:17,198 --> 00:48:20,332 You know, like that thumb trick thing you do. 1195 00:48:20,375 --> 00:48:22,508 Oh, yes. 1196 00:48:22,551 --> 00:48:25,598 My Grandma Liz taught me many, um, 1197 00:48:25,641 --> 00:48:27,643 "tricks" when I was younger. 1198 00:48:27,687 --> 00:48:31,430 So good. I would exploit the shit out of that if I could. 1199 00:48:31,473 --> 00:48:34,041 Instead I was too busy trying to be a comic's comic. 1200 00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:38,872 What's a "comic's comic?" 1201 00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:41,048 It's when all the comedians stop talking in the back 1202 00:48:41,092 --> 00:48:42,658 of the room and they stop 1203 00:48:42,702 --> 00:48:45,923 to watch your set and they study you. 1204 00:48:45,966 --> 00:48:47,881 It's the ultimate form of flattery. 1205 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,970 And how do you get that? 1206 00:48:50,014 --> 00:48:53,234 Truth, fearlessness, and time. 1207 00:48:53,278 --> 00:48:55,367 Time is overrated. 1208 00:48:55,410 --> 00:48:58,022 Sure, when you don't appreciate it. 1209 00:48:58,065 --> 00:49:00,633 I did the same thing when I was your age. 1210 00:49:00,676 --> 00:49:02,765 But time is precious. 1211 00:49:02,809 --> 00:49:05,159 You can never get it back. 1212 00:49:05,203 --> 00:49:06,944 I know. 1213 00:49:06,987 --> 00:49:09,990 I literally have all the time in the world. 1214 00:49:10,034 --> 00:49:12,775 I spent 200 years learning the harpsichord. 1215 00:49:12,819 --> 00:49:15,082 By the time I perfected it, 1216 00:49:15,126 --> 00:49:17,128 baroque music was obsolete. 1217 00:49:19,086 --> 00:49:22,176 Ha! Ha! See? Now that's funny, dude. 1218 00:49:22,220 --> 00:49:23,786 Come on. 1219 00:49:23,830 --> 00:49:26,137 Why don't you do that on stage tonight? 1220 00:49:26,180 --> 00:49:28,182 Look, when you go up there tonight, 1221 00:49:28,226 --> 00:49:31,316 I want you to be you. 1222 00:49:31,359 --> 00:49:34,362 And if you suck, at least, you'll be sucking as yourself. 1223 00:49:34,406 --> 00:49:36,016 Can you try--ah! 1224 00:49:36,060 --> 00:49:38,627 -Watch your feet! -Son of a cock! 1225 00:49:38,671 --> 00:49:40,238 Hey, hand me that mop bucket over there. 1226 00:49:40,281 --> 00:49:42,980 Some fuckwad puked all over the damn place. 1227 00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:47,636 Thanks. 1228 00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:48,724 Got it. 1229 00:49:51,162 --> 00:49:52,859 Oh, God. 1230 00:49:55,470 --> 00:49:57,429 [scoffs] 1231 00:49:57,472 --> 00:49:59,344 Living the dream, dude. 1232 00:50:00,519 --> 00:50:01,955 This what you want, Ethan? 1233 00:50:05,567 --> 00:50:07,134 Absolutely. 1234 00:50:07,178 --> 00:50:10,181 And she's why they call it beheading. 1235 00:50:10,224 --> 00:50:12,096 [laughter] 1236 00:50:12,139 --> 00:50:14,054 [bartender] Hey. 1237 00:50:14,098 --> 00:50:15,577 Hey. 1238 00:50:15,621 --> 00:50:18,145 Hey, you know this place is haunted, right? 1239 00:50:18,189 --> 00:50:20,060 No, I'll just have a beer. 1240 00:50:20,104 --> 00:50:23,063 And it was actually the entire fist. 1241 00:50:23,107 --> 00:50:26,458 [crowd] Boo! 1242 00:50:26,501 --> 00:50:28,851 Is it always this rowdy here? 1243 00:50:28,895 --> 00:50:30,636 Oh, God, no. Not mostly. 1244 00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:32,203 But see, most of these folks, 1245 00:50:32,246 --> 00:50:33,900 they heard y'all on the radio this morning. 1246 00:50:33,943 --> 00:50:35,380 So, uh, well, 1247 00:50:35,423 --> 00:50:37,512 they cannot see the undead. 1248 00:50:37,556 --> 00:50:39,819 No, I'm alive, okay? 1249 00:50:39,862 --> 00:50:41,473 I don't know what the hell he is. 1250 00:50:41,516 --> 00:50:45,085 Hmm, may I take your pulse to confirm that? 1251 00:50:45,129 --> 00:50:48,001 [crowd] Vampire! Vampire! 1252 00:50:48,045 --> 00:50:50,090 Vampire! Vampire! 1253 00:50:50,134 --> 00:50:52,136 Vampire! Vampire! 1254 00:50:52,179 --> 00:50:53,746 [Heckler 1] Vampire! 1255 00:50:53,789 --> 00:50:55,356 I'm sorry, what's that you say? 1256 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:59,491 -[crowd] Vampire! -Ah, yes, 1257 00:50:59,534 --> 00:51:01,754 vampires, 1258 00:51:01,797 --> 00:51:06,541 the immortal creatures of both mystery and myth. 1259 00:51:15,289 --> 00:51:18,727 [cheers and applause] 1260 00:51:21,904 --> 00:51:23,776 Hey, bite me! 1261 00:51:23,819 --> 00:51:25,691 You aren't worthy of my powers. 1262 00:51:27,171 --> 00:51:28,911 Then suck my dick! 1263 00:51:28,955 --> 00:51:30,609 My friend, 1264 00:51:30,652 --> 00:51:32,741 there isn't enough blood in that tiny thing 1265 00:51:32,785 --> 00:51:34,395 to keep me alive for an hour. 1266 00:51:34,439 --> 00:51:37,006 Say that to his face, ya pussy! 1267 00:51:37,050 --> 00:51:41,446 Technically, I just did, but okay... 1268 00:51:41,489 --> 00:51:43,143 Jesus, fuck! 1269 00:51:44,318 --> 00:51:45,580 [bartender] Hell did he go? 1270 00:51:47,887 --> 00:51:49,541 -Shh! -What the fuck? 1271 00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:53,327 [man groaning] 1272 00:51:55,721 --> 00:51:58,158 [woman screaming] 1273 00:52:02,467 --> 00:52:03,990 Is that mirrors? Is that mirrors? 1274 00:52:04,033 --> 00:52:05,339 -You got mirrors in there? -No! 1275 00:52:05,383 --> 00:52:07,820 That a special effect? 1276 00:52:07,863 --> 00:52:10,910 -[crowd] Whoa. -[applause] 1277 00:52:14,653 --> 00:52:16,220 Ladies and gentlemen, 1278 00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:18,178 you have been delicious. 1279 00:52:18,222 --> 00:52:20,006 Thank you. 1280 00:52:20,049 --> 00:52:22,574 [cheers and applause] 1281 00:52:25,533 --> 00:52:27,970 Oh, if he broke that, he's fucking paying for it. 1282 00:52:28,014 --> 00:52:29,668 Are you kidding me? 1283 00:52:29,711 --> 00:52:32,192 Oh, my God. 1284 00:52:32,236 --> 00:52:34,238 I don't even know where to begin. 1285 00:52:34,281 --> 00:52:36,109 Do you believe me now? 1286 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,502 How can I not? 1287 00:52:37,545 --> 00:52:39,199 I mean, the coffin is eccentric 1288 00:52:39,243 --> 00:52:40,983 but explainable. Okay? 1289 00:52:41,027 --> 00:52:42,811 The, the glowing eyes, contacts, 1290 00:52:42,855 --> 00:52:45,074 the teeth, fake, the shooting blood, 1291 00:52:45,118 --> 00:52:48,295 it's an odd lifestyle choice but hey, it's Vegas. 1292 00:52:48,339 --> 00:52:51,907 But dude, you turned into a bat, man. 1293 00:52:51,951 --> 00:52:53,953 A fucking bat! 1294 00:52:53,996 --> 00:52:56,999 Pete, I never tried to hide this from you. 1295 00:52:57,043 --> 00:52:59,132 I know but I thought you were, like, 1296 00:52:59,176 --> 00:53:01,352 method acting or trying to find your own identity. 1297 00:53:01,395 --> 00:53:02,831 Never in a million years that I'd think 1298 00:53:02,875 --> 00:53:04,050 this stuff is actually real. 1299 00:53:04,093 --> 00:53:05,747 I'm sorry. 1300 00:53:05,791 --> 00:53:07,967 Perhaps I should've made this clear before we left. 1301 00:53:08,010 --> 00:53:10,622 Wait, so do you--do you just go around biting people? 1302 00:53:10,665 --> 00:53:13,494 No, God, how barbaric. 1303 00:53:13,538 --> 00:53:16,149 I had to give that up in the '80s. 1304 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:18,673 I almost bit Freddy Mercury. 1305 00:53:18,717 --> 00:53:21,023 -Dude, that's a close call. -I know. 1306 00:53:21,067 --> 00:53:25,027 But I do still need to feast off of fresh blood. 1307 00:53:25,071 --> 00:53:26,638 But now I just get it from a friend of mine 1308 00:53:26,681 --> 00:53:29,293 who works at the hospital. 1309 00:53:29,336 --> 00:53:31,033 Okay. Wait, start from the beginning. 1310 00:53:31,077 --> 00:53:33,297 Okay. I need to know everything, details. 1311 00:53:33,340 --> 00:53:35,212 Gladly. 1312 00:53:35,255 --> 00:53:36,996 Well, for starters, 1313 00:53:37,039 --> 00:53:40,782 my grandmother was the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, 1314 00:53:40,826 --> 00:53:42,741 a Countess who believed 1315 00:53:42,784 --> 00:53:44,743 she could retain her youth by drinking 1316 00:53:44,786 --> 00:53:47,441 and bathing in the blood of young girls. 1317 00:53:47,485 --> 00:53:50,009 You see, at the time, the life expectancy... 1318 00:53:50,052 --> 00:53:52,272 All clear. Everyone's gone 1319 00:53:52,316 --> 00:53:55,275 except for a, uh, couple of chicks who wanna meet you. 1320 00:53:55,319 --> 00:53:56,450 Are they hot? 1321 00:53:56,494 --> 00:53:58,496 Ridiculously hot, 1322 00:53:58,539 --> 00:54:00,280 but not you. 1323 00:54:00,324 --> 00:54:01,455 Vamp. 1324 00:54:02,978 --> 00:54:05,024 I don't even care about chicks right now, dude. 1325 00:54:05,067 --> 00:54:06,808 He just turned to a bat. Did you see that shit? 1326 00:54:06,852 --> 00:54:08,854 Yeah, it's fine. It's no Jeff Dunham. 1327 00:54:08,897 --> 00:54:10,508 And I got bats in the attic. 1328 00:54:13,598 --> 00:54:15,121 Have you seen Jeff Dunham? 1329 00:54:15,164 --> 00:54:17,341 His act is phenomenal. 1330 00:54:17,384 --> 00:54:19,081 Dude, I love Dunham. 1331 00:54:19,125 --> 00:54:20,648 But he didn't turn to a bat. 1332 00:54:20,692 --> 00:54:23,042 Dunham doesn't have a bat. 1333 00:54:23,085 --> 00:54:25,218 May I present to you 1334 00:54:25,262 --> 00:54:27,960 the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake 1335 00:54:28,003 --> 00:54:30,658 and Madame Darah. 1336 00:54:30,702 --> 00:54:33,966 If you'll excuse me, I have to go mop up some puke. 1337 00:54:34,009 --> 00:54:35,359 Hi. 1338 00:54:35,402 --> 00:54:38,797 -Hey. -Hi. 1339 00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:40,973 You were semi-funny. 1340 00:54:41,016 --> 00:54:42,801 You don't need to curse so much. 1341 00:54:42,844 --> 00:54:44,150 Appreciate the tip. 1342 00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:47,196 Pleasure to make your acquaintances. 1343 00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:50,722 Ethan, you look exactly the same. 1344 00:54:50,765 --> 00:54:53,725 I'm sorry, have we met? 1345 00:54:54,900 --> 00:54:57,076 -So-- -No. 1346 00:54:57,119 --> 00:54:59,296 Okay. 1347 00:54:59,339 --> 00:55:01,123 I'll just let you kids get reacquainted 1348 00:55:01,167 --> 00:55:03,430 and I'm going to light myself on fire. 1349 00:55:03,474 --> 00:55:05,519 I'll bring the matches. 1350 00:55:07,521 --> 00:55:09,610 Does this ring a bell? 1351 00:55:09,654 --> 00:55:12,483 [moaning] 1352 00:55:14,049 --> 00:55:15,964 Prague. 1353 00:55:16,008 --> 00:55:17,314 Chantel. 1354 00:55:17,357 --> 00:55:18,445 You were the model 1355 00:55:18,489 --> 00:55:20,491 for the Goddess Victoria statue. 1356 00:55:22,188 --> 00:55:23,755 Oh, my goodness. 1357 00:55:28,194 --> 00:55:31,153 How could I ever forget that? 1358 00:55:31,197 --> 00:55:32,503 I don't know. 1359 00:55:32,546 --> 00:55:34,592 I am enthralled to see you again. 1360 00:55:35,854 --> 00:55:37,508 And I am loving your new name. 1361 00:55:39,205 --> 00:55:41,033 What are you doing here? 1362 00:55:42,817 --> 00:55:44,253 You see this shit? 1363 00:55:44,297 --> 00:55:45,907 I'm the headliner. 1364 00:55:45,951 --> 00:55:47,605 What's he got that I don't got? 1365 00:55:47,648 --> 00:55:49,781 Two women, apparently. 1366 00:55:50,999 --> 00:55:53,175 You trying to make it three? 1367 00:55:53,219 --> 00:55:54,655 Maybe. 1368 00:55:54,699 --> 00:55:56,135 Okay. 1369 00:55:57,789 --> 00:56:00,400 I podcast, I'm a social media influencer, 1370 00:56:00,444 --> 00:56:02,402 I dabble in fashion. 1371 00:56:02,446 --> 00:56:04,535 Hot. [chuckles] 1372 00:56:04,578 --> 00:56:06,493 [laughs] 1373 00:56:06,537 --> 00:56:07,886 What's that smell? 1374 00:56:07,929 --> 00:56:10,454 Oh, perfect timing! 1375 00:56:10,497 --> 00:56:13,631 You know what? We should take a group photo. 1376 00:56:13,674 --> 00:56:15,589 -Yes. -Do you mind? 1377 00:56:17,417 --> 00:56:18,766 Sure. 1378 00:56:18,810 --> 00:56:20,855 Ladies. 1379 00:56:20,899 --> 00:56:22,901 Okay. 1380 00:56:22,944 --> 00:56:26,861 Closer, closer, work it. 1381 00:56:26,905 --> 00:56:29,298 You got to hit them angle. 1382 00:56:29,342 --> 00:56:32,171 Okay. Ready? And... 1383 00:56:39,134 --> 00:56:40,788 see you at the hotel, Ethan. 1384 00:56:40,832 --> 00:56:42,616 And, uh, I'll try to cut out 1385 00:56:42,660 --> 00:56:45,227 the fucking swear words out of my fucking act. 1386 00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,842 He turned into a bat, 1387 00:56:50,885 --> 00:56:52,539 an actual bat. 1388 00:56:52,583 --> 00:56:54,411 I'm losing my freaking mind. 1389 00:56:54,454 --> 00:56:56,761 Between the early 1600s mommy issues 1390 00:56:56,804 --> 00:56:59,198 and that coffin thing, I mean, I've had my suspicions. 1391 00:56:59,241 --> 00:57:00,852 What? 1392 00:57:00,895 --> 00:57:02,549 And you never said anything? 1393 00:57:02,593 --> 00:57:04,377 Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? 1394 00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:06,205 I know, but at least you could have told me something. 1395 00:57:06,248 --> 00:57:07,641 Now, this whole thing's gonna blow up. 1396 00:57:07,685 --> 00:57:08,860 It's gonna be a shit show 1397 00:57:08,903 --> 00:57:10,688 and I don't know where I'm at. 1398 00:57:10,731 --> 00:57:13,299 Whoa, I wasn't aware I was your vampire riddler. 1399 00:57:13,342 --> 00:57:15,432 -Okay. -Vampire. 1400 00:57:19,697 --> 00:57:23,222 [Stephanie] Honey, what are you looking at? 1401 00:57:23,265 --> 00:57:26,138 What? Oh, vampire research. 1402 00:57:26,181 --> 00:57:28,706 -Okay. And what do... -Wow. 1403 00:57:28,749 --> 00:57:30,272 ...you hope to accomplish? 1404 00:57:30,316 --> 00:57:32,318 I'm getting deep into vampire 1405 00:57:32,361 --> 00:57:35,495 lingerie-- lore, lore, linge-lore. 1406 00:57:35,539 --> 00:57:37,323 Linge-lore. What? 1407 00:57:37,366 --> 00:57:40,457 Okay. Well, that's my time. 1408 00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:42,371 -You've been a great-- -No, no, no, don't hang up. 1409 00:57:42,415 --> 00:57:44,286 Come on, honey, no. 1410 00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:45,984 [Stephanie] No, no, no, you seem a little distracted 1411 00:57:46,027 --> 00:57:48,029 and I need to get this shit off my face 1412 00:57:48,073 --> 00:57:50,118 -because it's starting to burn. -No, I love you 1413 00:57:50,162 --> 00:57:51,424 -with shit on your face. -Bye. 1414 00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:53,295 I love your shitty face. 1415 00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:55,384 Don't hang up. 1416 00:57:58,257 --> 00:58:00,781 Operation Fake Out complete. 1417 00:58:02,914 --> 00:58:04,568 Oh, my God. 1418 00:58:10,312 --> 00:58:11,357 Wait. 1419 00:58:12,967 --> 00:58:15,927 -Hmm? -If we cross this threshold, 1420 00:58:15,970 --> 00:58:17,798 there's no going back. 1421 00:58:17,842 --> 00:58:19,278 Okay. 1422 00:58:25,850 --> 00:58:27,112 [Scarlett] Hey, gang, it's Scarlett, 1423 00:58:27,155 --> 00:58:28,983 your favorite sexy podcaster. 1424 00:58:29,027 --> 00:58:30,985 Let's get back to Fia. 1425 00:58:31,029 --> 00:58:32,900 Lastly, Fia, before we go, 1426 00:58:32,944 --> 00:58:35,729 what are the pitfalls of your gift as a medium? 1427 00:58:35,773 --> 00:58:38,602 Yeah. That's a good choice, a good one. 1428 00:58:38,645 --> 00:58:42,127 As a medium, I have to always deliver the messages. 1429 00:58:42,170 --> 00:58:44,651 Sometimes it's very tough for people 1430 00:58:44,695 --> 00:58:47,741 to hear those messages from their loved one. 1431 00:58:47,785 --> 00:58:49,308 [Scarlett] Thank you, Fia, so much-- 1432 00:58:49,351 --> 00:58:52,180 Wait. Do you hear me? 1433 00:58:52,224 --> 00:58:54,052 I have always heard you. 1434 00:58:54,095 --> 00:58:55,793 No. 1435 00:58:55,836 --> 00:59:00,188 You can reach me on avid@voice.com. 1436 00:59:00,232 --> 00:59:03,148 [Scarlett] This is Scarlett Drake. 1437 00:59:03,191 --> 00:59:05,803 He is really trolling you. 1438 00:59:05,846 --> 00:59:08,240 What a surprise. 1439 00:59:08,283 --> 00:59:10,372 Let's have some fun with him. 1440 00:59:10,416 --> 00:59:12,549 Yes. 1441 00:59:12,592 --> 00:59:15,552 [singer] ♪ Got a big plan, This mindset maybe it's right♪ 1442 00:59:15,595 --> 00:59:17,597 ♪ At the right place And right time♪ 1443 00:59:17,641 --> 00:59:19,686 ♪ Maybe tonight And the whisper♪ 1444 00:59:19,730 --> 00:59:21,688 ♪ Or handshake sending a sign♪ 1445 00:59:21,732 --> 00:59:23,821 ♪ Wanna make out and kiss hard♪ 1446 00:59:23,864 --> 00:59:27,172 ♪ Wait never mind, Late night, and passing...♪ 1447 00:59:27,215 --> 00:59:29,783 Oh, Pete, you're missing out! 1448 00:59:33,265 --> 00:59:35,441 -Fuck. -[singer] ♪ When she walked in♪ 1449 00:59:35,484 --> 00:59:37,617 ♪ He froze up, Believe it's the fright♪ 1450 00:59:37,661 --> 00:59:41,186 ♪ It's cute in a way, Till you cannot speak♪ 1451 00:59:41,229 --> 00:59:43,841 -Oh, fuck! -♪ Your knees get weak♪ 1452 00:59:43,884 --> 00:59:46,844 ♪ An escape is just a nod And a casual wave♪ 1453 00:59:46,887 --> 00:59:49,063 ♪ Obsessed about it, Heavy for...♪ 1454 00:59:49,107 --> 00:59:53,459 -Oh, God! -Vampire. Vampire. Vampire. 1455 00:59:53,502 --> 00:59:55,722 Are they saying "Let's go play" in there? 1456 00:59:55,766 --> 00:59:57,681 Oh, God, yes! 1457 00:59:57,724 --> 01:00:01,380 Oh, yeah, harder! Oh! 1458 01:00:01,423 --> 01:00:03,338 Fuck! 1459 01:00:03,382 --> 01:00:06,080 [singer] ♪ I want to hold you close...♪ 1460 01:00:06,124 --> 01:00:08,517 I'm the headliner! 1461 01:00:09,475 --> 01:00:12,652 [singer] ♪ Lie still, And close your eyes girl♪ 1462 01:00:12,696 --> 01:00:15,829 ♪ So lovely, it feels so right♪ 1463 01:00:15,873 --> 01:00:19,572 -♪ I wanna hold you close...♪ -You owe me, Ethan! 1464 01:00:25,273 --> 01:00:28,668 [Darah gasp, moans] 1465 01:00:33,760 --> 01:00:35,283 [Scarlett] Come on. 1466 01:00:35,327 --> 01:00:36,807 For old times' sake. 1467 01:00:36,850 --> 01:00:39,505 Bite me, Ethan, please. 1468 01:00:39,548 --> 01:00:41,376 I want you to. 1469 01:00:41,420 --> 01:00:44,466 [upbeat music playing] 1470 01:00:52,910 --> 01:00:54,346 [Darah moans] 1471 01:00:58,350 --> 01:01:01,396 [upbeat music continues] 1472 01:01:07,185 --> 01:01:09,230 [knocks on door] 1473 01:01:14,061 --> 01:01:15,323 [Ethan] Can I come in? 1474 01:01:15,367 --> 01:01:16,673 No! 1475 01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:17,848 Good morning, sir. 1476 01:01:17,891 --> 01:01:19,458 Jesus. 1477 01:01:19,501 --> 01:01:21,286 You got to stop doing that shit. 1478 01:01:21,329 --> 01:01:23,984 I'm sorry. I thought since now that you knew 1479 01:01:24,028 --> 01:01:26,030 I could... be myself. 1480 01:01:28,641 --> 01:01:29,947 Good job last night. 1481 01:01:29,990 --> 01:01:31,513 You're viral. 1482 01:01:31,557 --> 01:01:33,472 Thank you, Pete. 1483 01:01:33,515 --> 01:01:35,082 God, it felt good. 1484 01:01:35,126 --> 01:01:36,736 I just did what you said. 1485 01:01:36,780 --> 01:01:39,870 And I was really myself up there. 1486 01:01:39,913 --> 01:01:42,568 Where are your little girlfriends at now? 1487 01:01:42,611 --> 01:01:43,917 They've left. 1488 01:01:45,745 --> 01:01:49,053 Sad. Seems like they have a really good way with words 1489 01:01:49,096 --> 01:01:50,707 and they got great personalities 1490 01:01:50,750 --> 01:01:52,926 and probably amazing business acumen. 1491 01:01:52,970 --> 01:01:54,798 [Ethan] Yes. Well, 1492 01:01:54,841 --> 01:01:58,410 let's just say I remember why I'd forgotten. 1493 01:01:58,453 --> 01:02:00,673 Then why did you just have a fucking fuck fest 1494 01:02:00,717 --> 01:02:01,761 all night, dude? 1495 01:02:01,805 --> 01:02:03,415 [chuckles softly] 1496 01:02:04,851 --> 01:02:08,289 Probably for the same reasons we go to open mics, 1497 01:02:08,333 --> 01:02:10,422 to try new things. 1498 01:02:10,465 --> 01:02:13,338 How about you bite me? 1499 01:02:13,381 --> 01:02:15,253 Would you ever consider that? 1500 01:02:15,296 --> 01:02:16,776 I wanna try new things. 1501 01:02:16,820 --> 01:02:18,996 I would never bite you, Pete. 1502 01:02:19,997 --> 01:02:21,825 Scared of competition? 1503 01:02:21,868 --> 01:02:22,956 [Ethan chuckles] 1504 01:02:25,829 --> 01:02:27,134 Competition? 1505 01:02:27,178 --> 01:02:29,746 Pete, I'm already up 2-0. 1506 01:02:29,789 --> 01:02:32,749 [upbeat music playing] 1507 01:02:47,676 --> 01:02:49,287 They say, what do men do know 1508 01:02:49,330 --> 01:02:51,071 [indistinct] sweatpants for guys, 1509 01:02:51,115 --> 01:02:53,160 they put writing on the front, you know? 1510 01:02:53,204 --> 01:02:54,901 It just said, "dinner," 1511 01:02:56,033 --> 01:02:57,948 [laughter] 1512 01:02:57,991 --> 01:02:59,732 "the other white meat." 1513 01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:01,647 [laughter] 1514 01:03:04,519 --> 01:03:05,956 [Carrot Top] I got to go. 1515 01:03:05,999 --> 01:03:08,915 Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing. 1516 01:03:08,959 --> 01:03:10,612 -Me? -Yeah. 1517 01:03:10,656 --> 01:03:12,310 Mr. Top, I'm such a fan. 1518 01:03:12,353 --> 01:03:13,746 Thanks. Carrot. 1519 01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:15,182 Just Scott, actually that was weird. 1520 01:03:15,226 --> 01:03:17,619 Scott, the pleasure was all mine. 1521 01:03:17,663 --> 01:03:19,491 If you need a headliner, dude, 1522 01:03:19,534 --> 01:03:22,102 I'm right here six nights a week at the Luxor, 1523 01:03:22,146 --> 01:03:24,235 great gig, every night, boom, in and out, 1524 01:03:24,278 --> 01:03:26,237 sleep in your own bed, somebody else's bed, 1525 01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:28,326 but you're here in town, it's great, seriously. 1526 01:03:28,369 --> 01:03:30,154 Then mull it over, think about it. 1527 01:03:30,197 --> 01:03:33,113 It's tempting. Do you have a card that I can maybe-- 1528 01:03:33,157 --> 01:03:35,202 A card? No, I don't think comics carry cards. 1529 01:03:35,246 --> 01:03:37,988 Do you have a card? That'd be weird. 1530 01:03:38,031 --> 01:03:39,250 Uh, DM, is that what they call it? 1531 01:03:39,293 --> 01:03:40,817 -Direct messaging. -Yeah. 1532 01:03:40,860 --> 01:03:41,905 I'll give you mine, you give me yours, 1533 01:03:41,948 --> 01:03:43,297 and you'll direct me back. 1534 01:03:43,341 --> 01:03:44,603 I'll follow you back. 1535 01:03:44,646 --> 01:03:46,213 Okay. We'll see. 1536 01:03:46,257 --> 01:03:48,650 Uh, I know there's people ask you, 1537 01:03:48,694 --> 01:03:52,959 could you show me that--the fire thumb? 1538 01:03:53,003 --> 01:03:55,135 Please, I won't share it with anybody, I promise. 1539 01:03:55,179 --> 01:03:56,920 I--I don't have any friends to share it with. 1540 01:03:56,963 --> 01:03:59,879 So, just--what the fuck? 1541 01:04:01,098 --> 01:04:02,926 It's really about timing. 1542 01:04:02,969 --> 01:04:04,710 I once jerked off lefty 1543 01:04:04,753 --> 01:04:06,190 and nearly burned the entire thing off. 1544 01:04:06,233 --> 01:04:07,539 It's kinda hot. 1545 01:04:07,582 --> 01:04:09,062 Do you wanna touch it? The thumb. 1546 01:04:09,106 --> 01:04:11,760 That was my--do, do, do. Uh-hmm, uh-hmm. 1547 01:04:11,804 --> 01:04:14,198 -There we go. -Jesus. 1548 01:04:14,241 --> 01:04:16,548 How the--how the fuck did... 1549 01:04:17,941 --> 01:04:20,247 Well, as we know, magic isn't real. 1550 01:04:20,291 --> 01:04:22,293 -Can I ask you something? -Yeah. 1551 01:04:23,424 --> 01:04:25,862 Does the Carrot match the drapes? 1552 01:04:25,905 --> 01:04:27,907 -I have no drapes. -Ah. 1553 01:04:27,951 --> 01:04:29,474 Oh, yeah, too much information, probably. 1554 01:04:29,517 --> 01:04:30,997 -Stained glass windows. Okay. -Yeah. 1555 01:04:31,041 --> 01:04:32,694 You shared with me, I share with you. 1556 01:04:32,738 --> 01:04:34,348 -Well, you look fantastic. -Thank you. Thank you. 1557 01:04:34,392 --> 01:04:35,654 It's the lighting. Hey, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go, 1558 01:04:35,697 --> 01:04:37,221 but, uh, thanks for chatting 1559 01:04:37,264 --> 01:04:38,831 and thanks for showing me the, uh, thing. 1560 01:04:38,875 --> 01:04:40,920 -Sure. -You're--dude, you're awesome. 1561 01:04:40,964 --> 01:04:43,227 -Thanks. -You're awesome. DM me, fucker. 1562 01:04:43,270 --> 01:04:46,273 -I got you. -Don't not fucking DM me. 1563 01:04:46,317 --> 01:04:47,840 I'm not going to DM. 1564 01:04:47,884 --> 01:04:50,887 [upbeat music playing] 1565 01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:04,030 [laughter] 1566 01:05:04,074 --> 01:05:06,206 [Ethan] If any of you ladies would like to buy me 1567 01:05:06,250 --> 01:05:07,860 a drink after the show, 1568 01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:10,950 I'll have a Bloody Mary. Hold the Mary. 1569 01:05:10,994 --> 01:05:13,779 [applause] 1570 01:05:13,822 --> 01:05:17,391 Thank you. You all have been incredible. 1571 01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:22,788 Now, if you would, 1572 01:05:22,831 --> 01:05:24,964 please keep that round of applause going 1573 01:05:25,008 --> 01:05:28,402 for the man who taught me everything I know about comedy. 1574 01:05:28,446 --> 01:05:29,926 Mr. Pete Brennan. 1575 01:05:29,969 --> 01:05:32,972 [applause] 1576 01:05:34,147 --> 01:05:37,107 Thank you. Woo. 1577 01:05:37,150 --> 01:05:40,545 Thank you for that warm round of indifference. 1578 01:05:40,588 --> 01:05:42,460 [laughs] 1579 01:05:42,503 --> 01:05:45,593 How about one more time for Ethan Barr, huh? 1580 01:05:47,769 --> 01:05:51,773 The love child of Bella and Nosferatu. 1581 01:05:51,817 --> 01:05:54,472 -Nosferatu. -Nosferatu. 1582 01:05:54,515 --> 01:05:57,518 You've been around that long? You know? Okay. 1583 01:05:57,562 --> 01:06:00,347 You know what they say, we needs more dildos. Wow. 1584 01:06:00,391 --> 01:06:03,002 No wonder why they're trying to ban straws. Jesus Christ. 1585 01:06:03,046 --> 01:06:05,004 These fish are gonna end up with porn stars. 1586 01:06:05,048 --> 01:06:07,659 My God. I don't know if you guys know this, 1587 01:06:07,702 --> 01:06:10,009 because they say it's good luck for one of the bridesmaids 1588 01:06:10,053 --> 01:06:11,968 to sleep with the comedian right after 1589 01:06:12,011 --> 01:06:14,013 the bachelorette party. I'm just saying. 1590 01:06:14,057 --> 01:06:16,537 [Dozer] Any of them putas will do you. 1591 01:06:16,581 --> 01:06:18,017 What--what was that, sir? 1592 01:06:18,061 --> 01:06:20,019 They're all a bunch of dirty sluts. 1593 01:06:20,063 --> 01:06:21,542 -Look at 'em. -[man] All right, Dozer. 1594 01:06:21,586 --> 01:06:23,022 It's time to go. Come on. 1595 01:06:23,066 --> 01:06:24,371 Sir, aren't you late for your job 1596 01:06:24,415 --> 01:06:27,244 at the truck stop glory hole? 1597 01:06:27,287 --> 01:06:29,333 [Sarah] He's just pissed 'cause he got himself 1598 01:06:29,376 --> 01:06:30,856 -a little 'ol dick. -Ooh. 1599 01:06:30,899 --> 01:06:33,250 Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait. 1600 01:06:33,293 --> 01:06:35,034 What don't you guys share that with the crowd, what? 1601 01:06:35,078 --> 01:06:37,297 Well, there's not that much to share. 1602 01:06:37,341 --> 01:06:39,604 Hold on. So you're saying 1603 01:06:39,647 --> 01:06:41,606 that his pee-pee... 1604 01:06:41,649 --> 01:06:45,044 [speaking foreign language] 1605 01:06:45,088 --> 01:06:47,829 All right, Dozer. It's time to go. Come on. 1606 01:06:47,873 --> 01:06:49,570 [speaking foreign language] 1607 01:06:49,614 --> 01:06:50,876 Did you see what that puta just said to me? 1608 01:06:50,919 --> 01:06:52,834 That shit ain't true. 1609 01:06:52,878 --> 01:06:54,445 Well, maybe so, but you got to go. 1610 01:06:54,488 --> 01:06:55,924 It's every week. 1611 01:06:55,968 --> 01:06:57,622 It's the same damn thing with you, man. 1612 01:06:57,665 --> 01:06:59,189 [speaking foreign language] 1613 01:06:59,232 --> 01:07:00,494 Sir, I don't know why you're upset. 1614 01:07:00,538 --> 01:07:02,018 Don't get all hung up over this. 1615 01:07:02,061 --> 01:07:03,845 Oops. I said hung, 1616 01:07:03,889 --> 01:07:05,543 but I guess we all know that's not the case. 1617 01:07:05,586 --> 01:07:07,458 You're fucking dead, funny man. 1618 01:07:07,501 --> 01:07:10,156 Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead, but you're gone. So... 1619 01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:12,202 ♪ Na, na, na, na...♪ 1620 01:07:12,245 --> 01:07:14,421 [all] ♪ Na, na, na, na♪ 1621 01:07:14,465 --> 01:07:16,771 ♪ Hey, hey, hey♪ 1622 01:07:16,815 --> 01:07:18,599 -♪ Little wee♪ -♪ Good bye♪ 1623 01:07:18,643 --> 01:07:20,297 [Dozer] I'm gonna count to three. 1624 01:07:21,254 --> 01:07:23,778 Three, two... 1625 01:07:23,822 --> 01:07:25,171 Please don't do this. 1626 01:07:25,215 --> 01:07:26,738 -[gunshot] -Whoa. 1627 01:07:26,781 --> 01:07:28,348 [groans] 1628 01:07:29,436 --> 01:07:30,742 That was a warning. 1629 01:07:33,049 --> 01:07:34,659 [Ethan] You missed. 1630 01:07:34,702 --> 01:07:37,183 [gunfire] 1631 01:07:38,315 --> 01:07:39,751 Ha! 1632 01:07:39,794 --> 01:07:42,971 [suspenseful music playing] 1633 01:08:20,661 --> 01:08:23,142 You guys better get out of here and get out of here fast! 1634 01:08:23,186 --> 01:08:26,406 He's dead. What about the cops? 1635 01:08:26,450 --> 01:08:28,582 Cops? Ain't gonna be no cops, man. 1636 01:08:28,626 --> 01:08:31,411 This guy had it comin'. Besides, who's gonna miss him? 1637 01:08:31,455 --> 01:08:34,197 It was self-defense, Dale. You saw it. 1638 01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:36,416 I saw the whole doggone thing. 1639 01:08:36,460 --> 01:08:38,853 You guys wouldn't even hear it, you're ghosts man. 1640 01:08:38,897 --> 01:08:40,638 Let me get a few of the guys to come down here 1641 01:08:40,681 --> 01:08:42,596 and clean this mess up now. 1642 01:08:42,640 --> 01:08:44,381 You won't have to. 1643 01:08:48,298 --> 01:08:49,777 Are you bringing him back? 1644 01:08:49,821 --> 01:08:51,344 As if. 1645 01:09:04,879 --> 01:09:06,881 Do you have a leaf-blower? 1646 01:09:15,890 --> 01:09:18,154 I'll take that as a no. 1647 01:09:18,197 --> 01:09:20,025 We should go. 1648 01:09:20,068 --> 01:09:23,202 [dramatic music playing] 1649 01:09:23,246 --> 01:09:25,813 [singer vocalizing] 1650 01:09:58,063 --> 01:10:01,109 [dramatic music playing] 1651 01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:08,987 Bro, you... 1652 01:10:09,030 --> 01:10:10,858 you killed a guy. 1653 01:10:10,902 --> 01:10:12,077 I know. 1654 01:10:13,296 --> 01:10:14,601 And I'm sorry. 1655 01:10:16,299 --> 01:10:18,779 And drank his blood. 1656 01:10:18,823 --> 01:10:21,129 Again, I'm sorry you had to see that. 1657 01:10:24,916 --> 01:10:27,614 Then you asked for a leaf-blower? 1658 01:10:27,658 --> 01:10:29,964 What the hell? It's crazy. 1659 01:10:30,008 --> 01:10:32,184 Not--not--not because he's Mexican. 1660 01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:33,968 The ash. 1661 01:10:34,012 --> 01:10:36,014 That's funny. 1662 01:10:36,057 --> 01:10:37,885 That's--that's--yeah, okay. 1663 01:10:37,929 --> 01:10:39,713 That's--that's good. You can use that. 1664 01:10:41,367 --> 01:10:43,195 It's good instinct. 1665 01:10:43,239 --> 01:10:45,023 I learned from the best. 1666 01:10:46,633 --> 01:10:48,287 Thanks. 1667 01:10:48,331 --> 01:10:49,636 Wait a minute, can-- 1668 01:10:51,029 --> 01:10:53,249 I got--I got to ask you something. 1669 01:10:53,292 --> 01:10:55,338 -Of course. Anything. -Okay. 1670 01:10:55,381 --> 01:10:58,036 I thought the rule was if you got bit by a vampire, 1671 01:10:58,079 --> 01:10:59,864 then you turn into a vampire? 1672 01:10:59,907 --> 01:11:01,387 Not necessarily. 1673 01:11:01,431 --> 01:11:04,347 It's--it's quite complicated, really. 1674 01:11:04,390 --> 01:11:07,828 But... I suppose the short version 1675 01:11:07,872 --> 01:11:10,788 is that you could choose. 1676 01:11:10,831 --> 01:11:13,965 You can either turn someone or you can let them die. 1677 01:11:16,576 --> 01:11:17,795 Let them die? 1678 01:11:17,838 --> 01:11:19,666 You disintegrated that guy. 1679 01:11:19,710 --> 01:11:21,668 Yeah. 1680 01:11:21,712 --> 01:11:23,235 He was an asshole. 1681 01:11:26,107 --> 01:11:30,068 Okay. Hypothetically speaking, if you bit me, 1682 01:11:32,026 --> 01:11:33,680 could you choose to make me immortal? 1683 01:11:38,859 --> 01:11:41,471 Hypothetically, yes. 1684 01:11:42,428 --> 01:11:45,431 But as I've told you, I would never do that. 1685 01:11:45,475 --> 01:11:47,303 Well, hold on, dude, we're not done. 1686 01:11:47,346 --> 01:11:49,174 -I told you. -Why? We got to talk. 1687 01:11:49,217 --> 01:11:51,959 I did--hold on. 1688 01:11:55,963 --> 01:11:57,356 What if I wanted you to? 1689 01:11:57,400 --> 01:12:00,098 You don't. Trust me. 1690 01:12:00,141 --> 01:12:01,621 Why not? 1691 01:12:01,665 --> 01:12:03,406 What do I have to lose? 1692 01:12:03,449 --> 01:12:05,582 My career's nowhere. I'm broke. 1693 01:12:05,625 --> 01:12:07,497 I'm on the wrong side of 40. 1694 01:12:07,540 --> 01:12:09,325 What do I have left, 1695 01:12:09,368 --> 01:12:11,327 20 or 30 years tops? 1696 01:12:12,415 --> 01:12:13,720 I want more time. 1697 01:12:13,764 --> 01:12:16,767 Immortality is not that simple. 1698 01:12:16,810 --> 01:12:18,725 I mean, do you have any idea what it's like 1699 01:12:18,769 --> 01:12:21,249 to be emotionally dead inside? 1700 01:12:21,293 --> 01:12:25,036 Have you met me? I'm a comedian. 1701 01:12:25,079 --> 01:12:27,517 No. You see that right there, shows you don't. 1702 01:12:27,560 --> 01:12:32,043 I mean, you are cloaked in apathy and bitterness. 1703 01:12:33,914 --> 01:12:35,089 Thank you? 1704 01:12:36,090 --> 01:12:37,875 It's not a compliment. 1705 01:12:37,918 --> 01:12:39,485 You might not like the way you feel, 1706 01:12:39,529 --> 01:12:43,141 but the fact is, you do still feel. 1707 01:12:43,184 --> 01:12:45,622 And if you truly hated your life so much, 1708 01:12:45,665 --> 01:12:48,538 why on earth would you want it to continue? 1709 01:12:53,325 --> 01:12:54,761 'Cause I'm a nobody. 1710 01:12:57,111 --> 01:12:58,852 I'm just an old road bum. 1711 01:13:00,637 --> 01:13:02,508 Just played dive bars and bowling alleys 1712 01:13:02,552 --> 01:13:03,814 my whole life. 1713 01:13:05,816 --> 01:13:07,252 Never got the shot. 1714 01:13:10,386 --> 01:13:12,388 But with this, 1715 01:13:12,431 --> 01:13:14,651 I can have more time. 1716 01:13:14,694 --> 01:13:17,218 Ethan, please. 1717 01:13:17,262 --> 01:13:19,395 I'm asking you as a friend. 1718 01:13:22,223 --> 01:13:23,747 Please bite me. 1719 01:13:30,623 --> 01:13:35,062 With all due respect, no. 1720 01:13:35,106 --> 01:13:36,281 Why? 1721 01:13:37,413 --> 01:13:39,937 Because nothing changes, Pete. 1722 01:13:39,980 --> 01:13:43,680 I'm still the same naive boy I was in 1613. 1723 01:13:43,723 --> 01:13:46,117 Yes, I've--I've adapted to my surroundings, 1724 01:13:46,160 --> 01:13:48,249 sure, because I've had to. 1725 01:13:48,293 --> 01:13:50,469 But I haven't changed. 1726 01:13:50,513 --> 01:13:52,645 Nobody does. 1727 01:13:52,689 --> 01:13:54,908 What makes you think you'd be any different? 1728 01:13:56,432 --> 01:14:00,000 I don't know. But why not try? 1729 01:14:00,044 --> 01:14:02,786 Because there's no going back. 1730 01:14:02,829 --> 01:14:04,744 You will taste death. 1731 01:14:04,788 --> 01:14:08,748 Or--or appreciate its worth. 1732 01:14:08,792 --> 01:14:11,272 You'll only lose yourself in an infinite loop 1733 01:14:11,316 --> 01:14:14,493 while you watch everyone around you die. 1734 01:14:15,842 --> 01:14:17,148 Is that what you want? 1735 01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:20,412 Is it? 1736 01:14:23,328 --> 01:14:24,808 Maybe that's already happened. 1737 01:14:28,028 --> 01:14:29,900 Oh, has it? 1738 01:14:29,943 --> 01:14:31,815 Mr. Comic's Comic? 1739 01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:36,254 You're the one playing lonely road dog, 1740 01:14:36,297 --> 01:14:38,212 pretending you're above loving anyone else 1741 01:14:38,256 --> 01:14:40,432 above yourself, 1742 01:14:40,476 --> 01:14:44,436 or God worse than loving you. 1743 01:14:46,177 --> 01:14:47,961 It's not fair to the very few people 1744 01:14:48,005 --> 01:14:49,746 who do give a shit, 1745 01:14:49,789 --> 01:14:51,922 especially Stephanie. 1746 01:14:51,965 --> 01:14:55,969 This has nothing to do with Steph, okay? 1747 01:14:56,013 --> 01:14:58,537 You know, you really are an ungrateful prick. 1748 01:14:59,756 --> 01:15:03,542 She sticks by you, no questions asked, 1749 01:15:03,586 --> 01:15:05,239 and you're willing to let that fade away 1750 01:15:05,283 --> 01:15:09,374 like everyone else simply because what? 1751 01:15:09,417 --> 01:15:12,290 You feel the time that you do have left isn't enough? 1752 01:15:14,335 --> 01:15:16,207 Now, who's playing the victim? 1753 01:15:20,080 --> 01:15:21,734 She knows what she signed up for. 1754 01:15:25,956 --> 01:15:28,436 She knows that there's only one person 1755 01:15:28,480 --> 01:15:31,265 that I ever loved unconditionally. 1756 01:15:37,968 --> 01:15:39,883 Who I watched die. 1757 01:15:39,926 --> 01:15:42,973 [dramatic music playing] 1758 01:15:52,591 --> 01:15:54,245 He didn't have the luxury of time. 1759 01:15:58,379 --> 01:16:00,730 He died without ever understanding 1760 01:16:00,773 --> 01:16:02,993 the benefits of it 1761 01:16:03,036 --> 01:16:04,516 or the value of it. 1762 01:16:07,867 --> 01:16:08,999 You know why? 1763 01:16:10,391 --> 01:16:13,220 Because eight year olds usually don't. 1764 01:16:21,881 --> 01:16:25,755 You--you had a child? 1765 01:16:26,973 --> 01:16:28,061 Yeah. 1766 01:16:29,715 --> 01:16:30,977 I had a son. 1767 01:16:32,109 --> 01:16:33,937 [Ethan sighs] 1768 01:16:38,681 --> 01:16:42,380 The universe took care of that real quick. 1769 01:16:42,423 --> 01:16:47,211 So, don't lecture me on the value of time, okay? 1770 01:16:49,343 --> 01:16:51,432 Because you have no fucking clue 1771 01:16:51,476 --> 01:16:55,567 what you're talking about, kid. 1772 01:16:57,351 --> 01:16:59,484 Pete, I'm sorry. I didn't know. 1773 01:17:00,441 --> 01:17:01,617 Now, you do. 1774 01:17:04,141 --> 01:17:07,187 [dramatic music playing] 1775 01:17:09,537 --> 01:17:11,365 I'm still not going to bite you. 1776 01:17:13,759 --> 01:17:16,153 I don't want you to bite me anymore. 1777 01:17:16,196 --> 01:17:17,850 Pussy. 1778 01:17:17,894 --> 01:17:19,417 You forgot your shit. 1779 01:17:26,598 --> 01:17:28,644 [Chuck] Hey, Pete. It's your favorite manager. 1780 01:17:28,687 --> 01:17:30,602 You got to give me a call when you got a chance. 1781 01:17:30,646 --> 01:17:33,953 I got bad news on the Russell Peters club. 1782 01:17:33,997 --> 01:17:35,651 [upbeat music playing] 1783 01:17:35,694 --> 01:17:37,653 [singer] ♪ Ooh, let's go!♪ 1784 01:17:39,219 --> 01:17:40,917 Chuck, you fucking slimy snake, 1785 01:17:40,960 --> 01:17:44,268 10% piece of fucking horseshit. 1786 01:17:44,311 --> 01:17:45,965 Hey, ass-nugget. 1787 01:17:46,009 --> 01:17:47,532 They wanted your protege, not you. 1788 01:17:47,575 --> 01:17:48,751 What does it even matter, dude? 1789 01:17:48,794 --> 01:17:49,752 It's a fucking warm-up spot. 1790 01:17:49,795 --> 01:17:51,231 A baby could do it. 1791 01:17:51,275 --> 01:17:53,277 Russell's never gonna go for this. 1792 01:17:53,320 --> 01:17:55,279 Charlie, it's out of my control. 1793 01:17:55,322 --> 01:17:56,933 Look, you still get to open the show, 1794 01:17:56,976 --> 01:17:58,586 but instead of Russell, you bring up Ethan, 1795 01:17:58,630 --> 01:18:00,240 and Ethan brings up Russell. 1796 01:18:00,284 --> 01:18:01,981 That's messed up, man. 1797 01:18:02,025 --> 01:18:03,679 See? He even gets it. 1798 01:18:03,722 --> 01:18:05,942 And he's not even finished Rosetta Stone yet. 1799 01:18:05,985 --> 01:18:07,378 Fuck you, Chuck! 1800 01:18:07,421 --> 01:18:08,901 You know he killed a guy the other night? 1801 01:18:08,945 --> 01:18:10,686 Oh, nice. Did you film that too? 1802 01:18:10,729 --> 01:18:12,731 With his teeth. Fang. 1803 01:18:14,298 --> 01:18:16,039 Listen, ass-munch. 1804 01:18:16,082 --> 01:18:17,910 I don't know what the fuck is going on with you. 1805 01:18:17,954 --> 01:18:20,347 This is bullshit, Chuck. It's not right. 1806 01:18:20,391 --> 01:18:21,740 What did I tell you 1807 01:18:21,784 --> 01:18:22,741 when we first started this business? 1808 01:18:22,785 --> 01:18:24,264 Okay, nothing is fair. 1809 01:18:24,308 --> 01:18:27,441 And you can't take anything personally. 1810 01:18:30,314 --> 01:18:32,011 Heck. Are we good? 1811 01:18:32,055 --> 01:18:34,535 No. We're far from good. 1812 01:18:34,579 --> 01:18:36,668 Heegan, finish him! 1813 01:18:38,801 --> 01:18:40,150 [Ethan] Wow. 1814 01:18:41,542 --> 01:18:44,850 Pete, this place is incredible. 1815 01:18:44,894 --> 01:18:45,938 [Pete] Thanks. 1816 01:18:45,982 --> 01:18:47,418 It was once featured on 1817 01:18:47,461 --> 01:18:49,986 Lifestyles of the Broke and Anonymous, 1818 01:18:50,029 --> 01:18:53,772 where caviar dreams don't exist. 1819 01:18:53,816 --> 01:18:58,908 Hmm, you jest, but I find it quite chic. 1820 01:19:02,302 --> 01:19:04,696 How are you feeling? 1821 01:19:04,740 --> 01:19:06,219 Honestly, I haven't been this nervous 1822 01:19:06,263 --> 01:19:09,614 since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising. 1823 01:19:09,657 --> 01:19:11,137 I wouldn't open with that. 1824 01:19:12,573 --> 01:19:14,488 No, of course not. 1825 01:19:16,360 --> 01:19:18,884 Look, you're nervous. 1826 01:19:18,928 --> 01:19:20,538 It's totally normal to be nervous. 1827 01:19:20,581 --> 01:19:22,801 It's--anybody would be. 1828 01:19:22,845 --> 01:19:24,455 No, of course. 1829 01:19:27,240 --> 01:19:28,546 How are you? 1830 01:19:30,069 --> 01:19:33,899 Fuck, no. I'm dead inside, remember? 1831 01:19:35,814 --> 01:19:38,251 But for you, it's more normal. 1832 01:19:40,384 --> 01:19:42,690 Wait, what? 1833 01:19:42,734 --> 01:19:46,259 I remember not long ago when you were vampsplaining 1834 01:19:46,303 --> 01:19:49,741 how immortality is a hollowed existence. 1835 01:19:49,785 --> 01:19:54,528 But here you are filled to the brim with emotion. 1836 01:19:56,356 --> 01:19:59,620 It's quite a paradox, 1837 01:20:01,274 --> 01:20:02,841 isn't it, Clarice? 1838 01:20:04,234 --> 01:20:06,497 What's the matter? 1839 01:20:06,540 --> 01:20:07,803 Bat have your tongue? 1840 01:20:10,501 --> 01:20:13,417 [car horn honks] 1841 01:20:13,460 --> 01:20:15,375 Our ride is here. 1842 01:20:15,419 --> 01:20:18,509 That makes me so happy. 1843 01:20:18,552 --> 01:20:19,510 You? 1844 01:20:19,553 --> 01:20:21,120 I don't sound like that. 1845 01:20:22,556 --> 01:20:23,514 I know. 1846 01:20:23,557 --> 01:20:25,037 That was Anthony Hopkins 1847 01:20:25,081 --> 01:20:26,125 but you kind of are in the same neighborhood. 1848 01:20:27,170 --> 01:20:29,389 Let's go make a memory, cuh. 1849 01:20:29,433 --> 01:20:30,782 [singer] ♪ You know, I'm built for it♪ 1850 01:20:30,826 --> 01:20:32,305 ♪ You ain't gotta ask twice♪ 1851 01:20:32,349 --> 01:20:34,264 ♪ You ain't about That fast life♪ 1852 01:20:34,307 --> 01:20:36,875 ♪ Huh, hundred on the dash With the cash like♪ 1853 01:20:36,919 --> 01:20:38,050 ♪ You ain't about That fast life...♪ 1854 01:20:38,094 --> 01:20:42,620 Holy shit. Ethan, 1855 01:20:42,663 --> 01:20:44,230 you're big time! 1856 01:20:44,274 --> 01:20:45,710 Oh, yeah. He's huge. 1857 01:20:45,753 --> 01:20:46,972 That's why he's riding "bitch," 1858 01:20:47,016 --> 01:20:48,495 in the backseat, of this shitbox. 1859 01:20:48,539 --> 01:20:49,975 Hey, whoa. 1860 01:20:50,019 --> 01:20:51,455 At least, Roy doesn't have a boot on his car 1861 01:20:51,498 --> 01:20:53,587 from unpaid fines. 1862 01:20:53,631 --> 01:20:55,328 And I will see them in court 1863 01:20:55,372 --> 01:20:57,374 because those signs were clearly not marked handicapped. 1864 01:20:57,417 --> 01:21:01,508 All right. Kids, kids, kids, that'll be $37.50. 1865 01:21:01,552 --> 01:21:04,294 I accept cash, hash, or gash. 1866 01:21:04,337 --> 01:21:06,557 -No one rides for free. -Okay. 1867 01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,037 Maybe you can, uh, deduct it 1868 01:21:08,080 --> 01:21:09,516 from the ten years of comp tickets 1869 01:21:09,560 --> 01:21:10,866 that Pete's got you. 1870 01:21:10,909 --> 01:21:12,389 What about you, Steph? 1871 01:21:12,432 --> 01:21:15,305 Uh, obviously, the girlfriend discount. 1872 01:21:15,348 --> 01:21:17,568 So, you mean girlfriend's "dicks-count." 1873 01:21:17,611 --> 01:21:18,961 Oh. [laughs] 1874 01:21:19,004 --> 01:21:20,832 If anyone's dicks count, it would be her. 1875 01:21:20,876 --> 01:21:22,921 Oh, God. 1876 01:21:22,965 --> 01:21:26,185 Apparently, Roy's jokes even need to be marked handicapped. 1877 01:21:26,229 --> 01:21:28,361 [Roy] I'm getting heckled by Ethan. 1878 01:21:28,405 --> 01:21:30,755 It's not bad. 1879 01:21:30,798 --> 01:21:32,713 Hey. 1880 01:21:32,757 --> 01:21:35,281 I want you to know how proud I am of you. 1881 01:21:35,325 --> 01:21:36,804 For what? 1882 01:21:43,811 --> 01:21:45,248 Really? 1883 01:21:45,291 --> 01:21:46,858 It's my ride. 1884 01:21:46,902 --> 01:21:48,077 Not anymore. 1885 01:21:50,296 --> 01:21:54,126 -Thank you, Roy. -It's my car. My car. 1886 01:21:54,170 --> 01:21:58,043 Honey, you know, before a show I'd only tell you maybe save it. 1887 01:21:58,087 --> 01:21:59,958 Be caressed like this? 1888 01:22:00,002 --> 01:22:01,351 -No, I just-- -Like this? 1889 01:22:01,394 --> 01:22:03,788 It's a prize fighter. 1890 01:22:03,831 --> 01:22:06,660 Really? Be serious for a second. 1891 01:22:06,704 --> 01:22:08,619 What you did showed a lot of class. 1892 01:22:11,100 --> 01:22:12,710 Or stupidity? 1893 01:22:13,624 --> 01:22:16,844 I don't know, maybe a friendly combination of both. 1894 01:22:18,281 --> 01:22:19,978 You're gonna do great tonight. 1895 01:22:20,022 --> 01:22:21,632 You are great. 1896 01:22:24,765 --> 01:22:26,071 I love you too. 1897 01:22:31,685 --> 01:22:33,383 Why are you so good to me? 1898 01:22:35,428 --> 01:22:37,517 Because you deserve it. 1899 01:22:37,561 --> 01:22:38,823 Sometimes, you know? 1900 01:22:41,478 --> 01:22:44,220 Now, get out there and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan! 1901 01:22:44,263 --> 01:22:45,569 It's an order. 1902 01:22:46,918 --> 01:22:48,311 Somebody's gotta do it. 1903 01:22:49,529 --> 01:22:51,009 Yeah! 1904 01:22:51,053 --> 01:22:54,099 [upbeat music playing] 1905 01:22:58,495 --> 01:22:59,670 -[DJ Minky] Heegan. -What's up? 1906 01:22:59,713 --> 01:23:01,237 You wanna learn how to DJ? 1907 01:23:01,280 --> 01:23:03,804 Well, please show me, I will do, do amazing. 1908 01:23:03,848 --> 01:23:05,502 You teach me jujitsu, 1909 01:23:05,545 --> 01:23:07,156 I'll teach you how to cut and scratch. 1910 01:23:07,199 --> 01:23:10,028 Well, it's a good trade. I'm in. Let's go. 1911 01:23:10,072 --> 01:23:13,075 [speaking foreign language] 1912 01:23:13,118 --> 01:23:17,166 [upbeat music playing] 1913 01:23:28,960 --> 01:23:30,179 You blowing a ghost? 1914 01:23:30,222 --> 01:23:32,268 Holy shit bro! 1915 01:23:32,311 --> 01:23:34,618 You can't sneak up on a guy mid-chew. 1916 01:23:34,661 --> 01:23:36,881 When did you start eating vegetables? 1917 01:23:38,187 --> 01:23:39,449 I read this interview 1918 01:23:39,492 --> 01:23:41,625 with Peter North who's a porn star. 1919 01:23:41,668 --> 01:23:43,757 He said, celery is the key 1920 01:23:43,801 --> 01:23:46,804 to a robust and meaty money shot. 1921 01:23:46,847 --> 01:23:48,675 And at my age, I need all the help I can get. 1922 01:23:48,719 --> 01:23:52,636 I have a tough enough time clearing my own thumbs. 1923 01:23:52,679 --> 01:23:55,378 You also have a tough enough time clearing my checks. 1924 01:23:55,421 --> 01:23:57,075 Well, one time. 1925 01:23:57,119 --> 01:23:58,468 Hey, are you available for weddings? 1926 01:23:58,511 --> 01:24:00,078 [Russell] And bar mitzvahs. 1927 01:24:00,122 --> 01:24:01,384 -[Pete] What's up, buddy? -[Chuck] How are you? 1928 01:24:03,647 --> 01:24:05,083 -Ethan. -Ethan. 1929 01:24:05,127 --> 01:24:06,867 Nice to meet you, buddy. 1930 01:24:06,911 --> 01:24:09,087 For the record, this wasn't my idea. 1931 01:24:09,131 --> 01:24:11,089 The suits, they got all excited when something new 1932 01:24:11,133 --> 01:24:12,743 and shiny comes along 1933 01:24:12,786 --> 01:24:15,137 and jump on whatever keeps the kids moist. 1934 01:24:15,180 --> 01:24:18,009 Well, Pete has told me so much about you. 1935 01:24:18,053 --> 01:24:20,533 Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir. 1936 01:24:20,577 --> 01:24:22,405 [laughs] 1937 01:24:22,448 --> 01:24:24,537 Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir." 1938 01:24:24,581 --> 01:24:25,843 Where the fuck did you find this kid? 1939 01:24:25,886 --> 01:24:28,150 Only Fangs. 1940 01:24:28,193 --> 01:24:29,194 [Russell] Who taught you how to speak? 1941 01:24:29,238 --> 01:24:31,022 Fucking Mr. Belvedere? 1942 01:24:31,066 --> 01:24:34,460 "It is truly an honor and privilege to meet you, sir." 1943 01:24:34,504 --> 01:24:36,201 I'm just fucking with you, kid. 1944 01:24:36,245 --> 01:24:37,942 I saw your thing for real, 1945 01:24:37,985 --> 01:24:39,465 that Chris Angel magic trick you did, it was good. 1946 01:24:39,509 --> 01:24:42,860 Not my cup of tea but, you know, kudos to you. 1947 01:24:42,903 --> 01:24:44,427 Well, thank you. 1948 01:24:44,470 --> 01:24:46,168 [Russell] So, here's what's gonna happen. 1949 01:24:46,211 --> 01:24:47,691 Pete's gonna go and do 20. 1950 01:24:47,734 --> 01:24:49,432 He's going to kill it. 1951 01:24:49,475 --> 01:24:51,129 And you're not gonna be able to follow him 1952 01:24:51,173 --> 01:24:52,696 but you're gonna go on after him anyway. 1953 01:24:52,739 --> 01:24:56,047 Okay. I--I can handle that. 1954 01:24:56,091 --> 01:24:58,354 [Russell] This fucking kid a rescue or something? 1955 01:24:58,397 --> 01:25:00,878 You teach him how to roll over, fetch your slippers? 1956 01:25:00,921 --> 01:25:02,575 [Pete] He's fine. He's just being nervous. 1957 01:25:02,619 --> 01:25:04,360 Remember our early shitty gigs 1958 01:25:04,403 --> 01:25:07,450 we did up in Toronto in '95, was it a stupid beer fest? 1959 01:25:07,493 --> 01:25:08,973 It was some beer fest. It was shitty. 1960 01:25:09,016 --> 01:25:10,583 [Pete] And they had that statement. 1961 01:25:10,627 --> 01:25:11,976 -What was I saying? -[Russell] Oh, it's, uh... 1962 01:25:12,019 --> 01:25:14,457 [both] "That's what beer is all about." 1963 01:25:14,500 --> 01:25:15,719 -Yeah. -It was stupid. 1964 01:25:15,762 --> 01:25:17,938 What? 1965 01:25:17,982 --> 01:25:19,418 Hey, uh, Ethan, 1966 01:25:19,462 --> 01:25:21,159 I want you to know that all this ass kissing 1967 01:25:21,203 --> 01:25:24,119 and fuckin' brown nosing is all bullshit, all right? 1968 01:25:24,162 --> 01:25:25,555 It's not gonna last forever. 1969 01:25:25,598 --> 01:25:27,557 So, don't forget your place and time. 1970 01:25:27,600 --> 01:25:29,036 [speaking foreign language] 1971 01:25:31,082 --> 01:25:32,214 I won't. 1972 01:25:33,693 --> 01:25:36,566 We all know this is Pete's spot 1973 01:25:36,609 --> 01:25:40,222 and whether me being here was your decision or not. 1974 01:25:41,832 --> 01:25:43,442 I won't let either of you down. 1975 01:25:46,184 --> 01:25:48,230 Why does he talk like that? 1976 01:25:48,273 --> 01:25:50,928 He watched a lot of Harry Potter as a kid. 1977 01:25:50,971 --> 01:25:52,756 I'm probably the Harriest Potter he's ever met. 1978 01:25:54,105 --> 01:25:56,238 [man] Pete, you're on in three minutes. 1979 01:25:58,979 --> 01:26:02,983 Okay. Any last minute advice? 1980 01:26:03,027 --> 01:26:04,463 Yes! 1981 01:26:04,507 --> 01:26:06,291 Oh, my God. This is very important. 1982 01:26:06,335 --> 01:26:07,510 Don't suck. 1983 01:26:07,553 --> 01:26:09,773 [laughs] 1984 01:26:09,816 --> 01:26:11,644 Got him. 1985 01:26:11,688 --> 01:26:12,819 Thank you. 1986 01:26:15,605 --> 01:26:17,302 [Chuck] He's nervous. 1987 01:26:17,346 --> 01:26:21,306 Kid's shaking like a dog trying to shit a peach seed. 1988 01:26:21,350 --> 01:26:24,266 [laughs] 1989 01:26:24,309 --> 01:26:26,050 You an actress? 1990 01:26:26,093 --> 01:26:28,008 You wanna be? 1991 01:26:28,052 --> 01:26:30,272 How about an over the pants hand job with no eye contact? 1992 01:26:31,577 --> 01:26:32,578 No? 1993 01:26:32,622 --> 01:26:35,712 [upbeat music playing] 1994 01:26:35,755 --> 01:26:38,236 [singer] ♪ We on a world tour With Muhammad, my man♪ 1995 01:26:38,280 --> 01:26:40,107 ♪ Going each and every place♪ 1996 01:26:40,151 --> 01:26:41,370 ♪ With the mic in their hand, New York♪ 1997 01:26:41,413 --> 01:26:43,328 [indistinct] 1998 01:26:43,372 --> 01:26:45,330 like imagine if I did that to people. 1999 01:26:45,374 --> 01:26:47,419 And I was like, "Oh, shit. What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond? 2000 01:26:47,463 --> 01:26:49,421 [laughter] 2001 01:26:49,465 --> 01:26:51,162 Smoothy King, where you at? 2002 01:26:52,337 --> 01:26:53,686 "Chik-fil-A." 2003 01:26:53,730 --> 01:26:56,036 [laughter] 2004 01:26:56,080 --> 01:26:58,909 -[cheers and applause] -All right. 2005 01:26:58,952 --> 01:27:00,563 Wow! 2006 01:27:01,912 --> 01:27:03,435 And I'm just your "fluffer." 2007 01:27:03,479 --> 01:27:04,958 Wait till the pizza man gets here, 2008 01:27:05,002 --> 01:27:07,222 you know what I'm saying? 2009 01:27:07,265 --> 01:27:09,833 Delivering that peckeroni. 2010 01:27:09,876 --> 01:27:11,835 Um, all right. 2011 01:27:11,878 --> 01:27:13,358 Guys, you ready for your next comic? 2012 01:27:13,402 --> 01:27:15,752 [crowd] Yeah! 2013 01:27:15,795 --> 01:27:19,582 Your next comedian is 27 years old 2014 01:27:19,625 --> 01:27:22,149 but he's a legit quad-centennial. 2015 01:27:22,193 --> 01:27:24,064 That's right. 2016 01:27:24,108 --> 01:27:26,937 Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together 2017 01:27:26,980 --> 01:27:30,288 for Mr. Ethan Barr. 2018 01:27:30,332 --> 01:27:35,685 [rock music playing] 2019 01:27:35,728 --> 01:27:40,646 [applause] 2020 01:27:41,865 --> 01:27:43,649 Wow. 2021 01:27:43,693 --> 01:27:47,044 This is incredible. 2022 01:27:47,087 --> 01:27:49,307 Though I have to be honest, I haven't been this nervous 2023 01:27:49,351 --> 01:27:53,180 since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising of 1740. 2024 01:27:53,224 --> 01:27:55,444 What the fuck? 2025 01:27:55,487 --> 01:27:56,749 [clears throat] 2026 01:27:58,751 --> 01:28:02,886 You know... my mentor said 2027 01:28:02,929 --> 01:28:04,670 not to open with that joke. 2028 01:28:04,714 --> 01:28:06,237 He was right. 2029 01:28:07,630 --> 01:28:10,197 He usually is. 2030 01:28:10,241 --> 01:28:14,550 He's a true comic's comic which is why I believe 2031 01:28:14,593 --> 01:28:16,943 we should bring him out for another bow. 2032 01:28:18,075 --> 01:28:19,990 Ladies and gentlemen, 2033 01:28:20,033 --> 01:28:21,600 please help me reintroduce 2034 01:28:21,644 --> 01:28:24,560 your first headliner of the evening, 2035 01:28:24,603 --> 01:28:26,910 Mr. Pete Brennan! 2036 01:28:26,953 --> 01:28:29,478 [crowd cheering] 2037 01:28:29,521 --> 01:28:31,001 What the fuck? 2038 01:28:31,044 --> 01:28:32,437 What the fuck? 2039 01:28:32,481 --> 01:28:34,309 -What the fuck? -What the fuck? 2040 01:28:34,352 --> 01:28:35,788 What the fuck. 2041 01:28:35,832 --> 01:28:37,050 Come on. 2042 01:28:37,094 --> 01:28:39,923 [crowd cheering] 2043 01:28:52,022 --> 01:28:54,764 -Seriously, dude, what the fuck? -Look, I have no fucking idea. 2044 01:28:54,807 --> 01:28:56,287 I'm sorry. 2045 01:28:56,331 --> 01:28:57,984 The guy just went rogue. I don't know. 2046 01:28:58,028 --> 01:28:59,769 He's going down like an Iraqi fighter pilot. 2047 01:28:59,812 --> 01:29:01,771 I knew he wasn't ready. He's your protege. 2048 01:29:01,814 --> 01:29:03,468 -[Danny] Yes. -My protege? 2049 01:29:03,512 --> 01:29:05,122 You're the guy who booked him. 2050 01:29:05,165 --> 01:29:06,689 -[Chuck] I didn't book him. -Yes, you did. 2051 01:29:06,732 --> 01:29:08,168 When you were rolling on the fucking ground 2052 01:29:08,212 --> 01:29:09,692 with Heegan Mitch out on the backyard 2053 01:29:09,735 --> 01:29:11,389 who said, "He's gonna be on camera, remember?" 2054 01:29:11,433 --> 01:29:14,174 What? Did Heegan squeeze your fucking brain too tight? 2055 01:29:14,218 --> 01:29:19,876 [Ethan] Help me give a warm welcome to Russell Peters. 2056 01:29:19,919 --> 01:29:22,922 Is that how you're trying to revive your career? 2057 01:29:22,966 --> 01:29:25,185 Who said my career's in the shitter? 2058 01:29:25,229 --> 01:29:26,709 [singer] ♪ Can I kick it?♪ 2059 01:29:26,752 --> 01:29:29,451 Give it up for, uh, Pete Brennan 2060 01:29:29,494 --> 01:29:32,628 and his beautiful daughter Ethan Barr, 2061 01:29:32,671 --> 01:29:34,934 my favorite vampire. 2062 01:29:34,978 --> 01:29:37,372 [crowd laughing] 2063 01:29:37,415 --> 01:29:39,330 Never understood the name, Ethan, and all of a sudden, 2064 01:29:39,374 --> 01:29:40,897 too much, like, methane to me. 2065 01:29:42,594 --> 01:29:45,075 Which makes sense because his breath smells like shit. 2066 01:29:46,859 --> 01:29:49,427 [crowd cheering] 2067 01:29:49,471 --> 01:29:51,821 Oh, you got two Asian girls with you, huh? 2068 01:29:51,864 --> 01:29:54,301 What happened? Double clicked on the check out? 2069 01:29:54,345 --> 01:30:00,177 [laughter] 2070 01:30:00,220 --> 01:30:04,094 [rapper] ♪ I mean, this is The best times of my life♪ 2071 01:30:04,137 --> 01:30:05,487 [upbeat music playing] 2072 01:30:05,530 --> 01:30:08,185 [Pete] This is it, my friend. 2073 01:30:08,228 --> 01:30:11,449 This is what it's all about, 2074 01:30:11,493 --> 01:30:15,018 the moment, after the moment 2075 01:30:15,061 --> 01:30:17,412 when we shared a moment. 2076 01:30:17,455 --> 01:30:19,979 Wow. That is--that's deep. 2077 01:30:20,023 --> 01:30:21,938 [laughter] 2078 01:30:23,200 --> 01:30:26,116 Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy. 2079 01:30:28,510 --> 01:30:30,903 Dude, you're going, like, 2080 01:30:30,947 --> 01:30:34,254 55 in a 65, bro. 2081 01:30:34,298 --> 01:30:36,300 Come on! 2082 01:30:36,343 --> 01:30:40,260 Punch it, live a little. 2083 01:30:40,304 --> 01:30:42,828 Pete, I know it should've been you and not me. 2084 01:30:45,962 --> 01:30:47,529 Not your fault. 2085 01:30:47,572 --> 01:30:49,748 I'm sorry. 2086 01:30:49,792 --> 01:30:52,403 This is business. 2087 01:30:52,447 --> 01:30:57,713 Shit's uptown, reward's mediocre. 2088 01:30:57,756 --> 01:31:00,063 But I'm actually really proud of you. 2089 01:31:01,847 --> 01:31:03,632 I know I'm not as funny as you. 2090 01:31:03,675 --> 01:31:05,590 And you never will be. 2091 01:31:05,634 --> 01:31:06,896 Ever. 2092 01:31:08,332 --> 01:31:11,161 But... it doesn't matter 2093 01:31:12,510 --> 01:31:15,034 because you got something I don't. 2094 01:31:17,254 --> 01:31:18,385 What? 2095 01:31:19,778 --> 01:31:25,784 You have... a presence. 2096 01:31:28,178 --> 01:31:32,574 Open this motherfucker up! 2097 01:31:34,576 --> 01:31:36,273 Fine. You want me to go? 2098 01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:39,494 Woo! 2099 01:31:39,537 --> 01:31:41,670 Woo! Woo! Gas it. 2100 01:31:44,673 --> 01:31:47,719 Yeah! Yeah, man. 2101 01:31:47,763 --> 01:31:51,767 Woo! Yeah. 2102 01:31:51,810 --> 01:31:54,509 Pete. Pete, get inside! 2103 01:31:56,554 --> 01:31:57,860 What is the matter with you? 2104 01:31:57,903 --> 01:32:00,210 Woo! 2105 01:32:00,253 --> 01:32:01,994 Yeah. 2106 01:32:03,082 --> 01:32:05,302 Yeah. 2107 01:32:05,345 --> 01:32:06,738 Pete. Get in--Pete, Pete! 2108 01:32:06,782 --> 01:32:08,871 [crash] 2109 01:32:11,308 --> 01:32:14,354 [dramatic music playing] 2110 01:32:47,605 --> 01:32:49,259 [panting] 2111 01:32:49,302 --> 01:32:51,696 [coughs] 2112 01:32:51,740 --> 01:32:52,915 Pete! 2113 01:32:52,958 --> 01:32:54,569 I'm fine. 2114 01:32:54,612 --> 01:32:56,266 Bite me, Ethan. 2115 01:32:56,309 --> 01:32:58,964 No, I won't have to. 2116 01:32:59,008 --> 01:33:00,879 You're going to be okay. 2117 01:33:02,620 --> 01:33:03,969 [Pete] How bad is it? 2118 01:33:04,013 --> 01:33:05,405 Um... 2119 01:33:07,146 --> 01:33:09,540 I've seen worse. 2120 01:33:09,584 --> 01:33:11,324 [breathes heavily] 2121 01:33:11,368 --> 01:33:13,631 Well, this is it. 2122 01:33:13,675 --> 01:33:15,938 This is the way it ends. 2123 01:33:15,981 --> 01:33:17,635 No, hey. Hey. Hey. 2124 01:33:17,679 --> 01:33:19,463 Save your energy, okay? 2125 01:33:19,506 --> 01:33:21,596 They're on their way. You're going to be fine. 2126 01:33:23,032 --> 01:33:25,861 -I'm fine. -[Ethan] Hey, come on. 2127 01:33:25,904 --> 01:33:27,732 The ambulance is almost here, all right? 2128 01:33:27,776 --> 01:33:29,168 Just hang on. 2129 01:33:29,212 --> 01:33:31,649 [Pete] Here's my boy. 2130 01:33:31,693 --> 01:33:35,261 [Ethan] Yes. I'm your boy. 2131 01:33:35,305 --> 01:33:38,308 No. No, my son. 2132 01:33:38,351 --> 01:33:40,266 My son is here. 2133 01:33:40,310 --> 01:33:41,877 -Yes. -[Pete] My son is here. 2134 01:33:41,920 --> 01:33:43,052 Yeah, they're almost here. 2135 01:33:43,095 --> 01:33:44,923 Just hang on, okay? 2136 01:33:47,186 --> 01:33:48,753 I don't know, Ethan. 2137 01:33:48,797 --> 01:33:50,363 I can't. 2138 01:33:51,669 --> 01:33:53,889 He just came in the light. 2139 01:33:53,932 --> 01:33:56,152 No, Pete. Come on, stay, stay with me. 2140 01:33:56,195 --> 01:33:57,544 Stay with me, Pete. 2141 01:33:57,588 --> 01:33:59,895 I got to get up now. 2142 01:34:02,332 --> 01:34:05,988 Hey, you're gonna cry, cry. 2143 01:34:08,860 --> 01:34:13,560 That's my time. Goodnight. 2144 01:34:13,604 --> 01:34:17,042 [siren wailing in distance] 2145 01:34:19,262 --> 01:34:22,526 Pete. Pete. Pete. 2146 01:34:22,569 --> 01:34:25,747 Come on. Come on, stay with me, Pete. 2147 01:34:25,790 --> 01:34:29,576 Please. Please, Pete. 2148 01:34:29,620 --> 01:34:32,667 [dramatic music playing] 2149 01:34:44,330 --> 01:34:45,767 [Sandy] Good morning. 2150 01:34:45,810 --> 01:34:47,333 Do you have a reservation with us today? 2151 01:34:47,377 --> 01:34:49,945 -Yes, I do. -Fantastic! 2152 01:34:49,988 --> 01:34:52,774 Um, and what is the last name of the traveler? 2153 01:34:52,817 --> 01:34:54,863 Barr. 2154 01:34:54,906 --> 01:34:57,343 Ethan Barr. 2155 01:34:58,736 --> 01:35:02,479 Ooh! So, you're this week's comedian? 2156 01:35:02,522 --> 01:35:04,568 So, are you funny? 2157 01:35:05,612 --> 01:35:07,658 Can you tell me a joke? 2158 01:35:07,702 --> 01:35:09,704 I--I just love jokes. 2159 01:35:11,749 --> 01:35:13,795 Okay. Here's what I think you'll like. 2160 01:35:13,838 --> 01:35:17,973 What's the difference between a vagina and a cunt? 2161 01:35:18,016 --> 01:35:21,237 Until you bring it back and that's called the callback. 2162 01:35:21,280 --> 01:35:22,673 Now, remember what I said earlier 2163 01:35:22,717 --> 01:35:24,196 about the "rules of threes" 2164 01:35:24,240 --> 01:35:26,242 and also, the "K" Sound. 2165 01:35:26,285 --> 01:35:27,765 Ooh. 2166 01:35:27,809 --> 01:35:30,812 Look who we have here! 2167 01:35:30,855 --> 01:35:33,728 Please give it up, the great Keith Ray. 2168 01:35:34,729 --> 01:35:37,427 Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp, you're the shrimp with the limp. 2169 01:35:37,470 --> 01:35:39,211 Yeah, you know it, baby. 2170 01:35:39,255 --> 01:35:41,257 Look, what he said is correct. 2171 01:35:41,300 --> 01:35:44,260 Which is why when used correctly, 2172 01:35:44,303 --> 01:35:46,392 the "C-word" is always fun. 2173 01:35:48,481 --> 01:35:50,092 Dude, is this show and tell? 2174 01:35:50,135 --> 01:35:52,442 -What? -Um, okay. 2175 01:35:52,485 --> 01:35:55,097 So, in your humble opinion then, 2176 01:35:55,140 --> 01:35:56,925 like, what do you think 2177 01:35:56,968 --> 01:35:59,318 the best thing that a comedian can do, 2178 01:35:59,362 --> 01:36:02,626 like, while they're on stage or whatever and stuff? 2179 01:36:04,759 --> 01:36:06,935 -Is that a real question? -I don't know, Pete. 2180 01:36:06,978 --> 01:36:08,327 But you take a shot at it. 2181 01:36:08,371 --> 01:36:09,938 Oh, my God. 2182 01:36:15,726 --> 01:36:17,206 Two words. 2183 01:36:19,034 --> 01:36:20,600 Don't suck. 2184 01:36:20,644 --> 01:36:21,819 [singer] ♪ Let's do it♪ 2185 01:36:21,863 --> 01:36:24,866 [upbeat music playing] 2186 01:36:53,546 --> 01:36:54,939 [singer] ♪ Working all week♪ 2187 01:36:54,983 --> 01:36:57,202 ♪ 9:00 to 5:00 for my money♪ 2188 01:36:57,246 --> 01:36:58,725 ♪ So, when the weekend comes♪ 2189 01:36:58,769 --> 01:37:01,032 ♪ I go get live with the hunt♪ 2190 01:37:01,076 --> 01:37:02,860 ♪ Rollin' down the street♪ 2191 01:37:02,904 --> 01:37:04,775 ♪ I saw a girl When she was pumping♪ 2192 01:37:04,819 --> 01:37:06,690 ♪ I winked my eyes She got into the ride♪ 2193 01:37:06,733 --> 01:37:08,823 ♪ Went to a club And we're jumping♪ 2194 01:37:08,866 --> 01:37:12,174 ♪ Introduced myself, Hello she said you're a liar♪ 2195 01:37:12,217 --> 01:37:14,829 ♪ I said, I got it going on Baby doll♪ 2196 01:37:14,872 --> 01:37:16,439 ♪ And I'mma flyer♪ 2197 01:37:16,482 --> 01:37:18,006 ♪ Took her to the hotel♪ 2198 01:37:18,049 --> 01:37:20,095 ♪ She said, you're the king♪ 2199 01:37:20,138 --> 01:37:21,923 ♪ And so, be my queen If you know what I mean?♪ 2200 01:37:21,966 --> 01:37:24,708 ♪ Let's do the wild thing♪ 2201 01:37:26,971 --> 01:37:28,625 ♪ Wild thing♪