1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:22,782 --> 00:00:30,782 ♪ 4 00:00:47,609 --> 00:00:49,411 A day in the life would be... 5 00:00:49,446 --> 00:00:51,611 It would be very lonely. 6 00:00:51,646 --> 00:00:52,779 Thoughts were very powerful, 7 00:00:52,814 --> 00:00:55,417 they would kind of control everything I could do from... 8 00:00:55,452 --> 00:00:56,660 It was more than just the food, 9 00:00:56,684 --> 00:00:58,321 it was who you spoke to, 10 00:00:58,356 --> 00:00:59,795 it was whether you walked somewhere 11 00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:01,753 or whether you got the bus. 12 00:01:01,788 --> 00:01:06,692 ♪ 13 00:01:06,727 --> 00:01:08,595 I would wake up thinking about food 14 00:01:08,630 --> 00:01:10,333 and thinking about my body. 15 00:01:10,368 --> 00:01:11,543 I would look at myself in the mirror 16 00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:13,831 and be insanely critical over how I looked. 17 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,735 I was so horrible to myself every single day. 18 00:01:16,770 --> 00:01:22,312 ♪ 19 00:01:22,347 --> 00:01:25,777 And here in the UK, 20 00:01:25,812 --> 00:01:31,585 I just couldn't see someone organically loving their body, 21 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:33,818 and I was a bit disappointed. 22 00:01:33,853 --> 00:01:38,262 ♪ 23 00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:40,495 What started out as, you know, 24 00:01:40,530 --> 00:01:43,234 let's just take better care of ourselves 25 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,566 really, really quickly turned into something 26 00:01:45,601 --> 00:01:47,502 horribly destructive. 27 00:01:47,537 --> 00:01:55,537 ♪ 28 00:02:07,821 --> 00:02:09,722 ♪ 29 00:02:11,561 --> 00:02:15,431 ♪ 30 00:02:15,466 --> 00:02:16,564 Two more. 31 00:02:16,599 --> 00:02:18,500 Ah! 32 00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:19,930 ♪ 33 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,735 Every waking moment of my life 34 00:02:22,770 --> 00:02:25,870 was simply thought around food... When I was gonna eat, 35 00:02:25,905 --> 00:02:27,938 how much of it I was going to eat, 36 00:02:27,973 --> 00:02:29,511 when I was going to exercise, 37 00:02:29,546 --> 00:02:30,886 how hard I was going to exercise. 38 00:02:30,910 --> 00:02:33,185 That was just the running conversation in my... 39 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,890 It was almost like there was someone else, 40 00:02:34,914 --> 00:02:36,782 like a demon living in my head 41 00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:39,851 just being horrible to me 24/7. 42 00:02:39,886 --> 00:02:42,194 Come on. 43 00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:43,294 Push! 44 00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:50,631 I bought into a pro bodybuilder's diet 45 00:02:50,666 --> 00:02:52,501 and training plan, 46 00:02:52,536 --> 00:02:54,767 and I was probably training seven days a week. 47 00:02:54,802 --> 00:02:59,277 I reckon I was eating 1,500, 1,600 calories a day 48 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:00,608 spread out over seven meals, 49 00:03:00,643 --> 00:03:03,413 so every meal was like the portion size 50 00:03:03,448 --> 00:03:05,811 for a rabbit or a small child. 51 00:03:05,846 --> 00:03:09,584 I then add some MyProtein maple syrup flavor drops, 52 00:03:09,619 --> 00:03:13,258 'cause these make everything taste super duper nice. 53 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:17,526 My gym sessions tended to consist of two sessions a day 54 00:03:17,561 --> 00:03:19,462 over six or seven days a week. 55 00:03:19,497 --> 00:03:20,897 Each session, I probably had to do 56 00:03:20,927 --> 00:03:23,235 an hour and a half of cardio every morning, 57 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:24,511 and then an hour to an hour and a half 58 00:03:24,535 --> 00:03:26,271 of weights every day. 59 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:28,735 I started to lose my mind, quite literally. 60 00:03:28,770 --> 00:03:36,770 ♪ 61 00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:40,450 I remember standing in front of chillers in supermarkets 62 00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:46,522 for what felt like forever in utter panic. 63 00:03:46,557 --> 00:03:48,524 "What am I going to eat? 64 00:03:48,559 --> 00:03:50,526 How many calories has that got in it? 65 00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:52,891 How many grams of fat?" 66 00:03:52,926 --> 00:03:54,695 Just absolute panic. 67 00:03:54,730 --> 00:03:57,368 And the more malnourished I was, 68 00:03:57,403 --> 00:04:01,603 the more that panic was unmanageable. 69 00:04:01,638 --> 00:04:04,441 Genuinely, it was like my head was on fire, 70 00:04:04,476 --> 00:04:05,871 like the whole time. 71 00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:10,480 Imagine a fire alarm going off constantly. 72 00:04:10,515 --> 00:04:13,384 And you know, like, the beeps that are right in your ear 73 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,914 and you can hear the ringing and it's really... 74 00:04:15,949 --> 00:04:18,521 It's obnoxious and it's just constant 75 00:04:18,556 --> 00:04:20,556 and you can't really think straight? 76 00:04:20,591 --> 00:04:27,464 ♪ 77 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:31,633 One extreme was this religious calorie-tracking obsession 78 00:04:31,668 --> 00:04:33,404 behind what I was doing 79 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,768 to the point then of overwhelm, 80 00:04:34,803 --> 00:04:35,947 where I'd think, "Oh, stuff this, 81 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,848 I can't do it anymore," and then I would binge eat. 82 00:04:37,872 --> 00:04:40,004 And so on my binges, I would probably consume 83 00:04:40,039 --> 00:04:42,039 somewhere between 10,000 and 15,000 calories 84 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,480 in one sitting, 85 00:04:43,515 --> 00:04:45,350 and I would always look forward to that. 86 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:47,517 It's celebrated, almost, in today's day and age 87 00:04:47,552 --> 00:04:48,683 as a cheat meal. 88 00:04:48,718 --> 00:04:51,015 Now, my cheat meal, I would order in 89 00:04:51,050 --> 00:04:53,083 an extra large Domino's pizza. 90 00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:53,984 I would eat all of that 91 00:04:54,019 --> 00:04:56,559 alongside four slices of garlic bread, 92 00:04:56,594 --> 00:04:58,990 four cookies, one or two tubs of Häagen-Dazs 93 00:04:59,025 --> 00:05:00,102 or Ben and Jerry's ice cream, 94 00:05:00,126 --> 00:05:03,434 and then one or two bars of family sized chocolate, 95 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,534 you know? 96 00:05:04,569 --> 00:05:09,099 ♪ 97 00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:13,345 I had reached way beyond my goal weight. 98 00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:17,679 I was underweight, and I was really small. 99 00:05:17,714 --> 00:05:22,816 I just... I remember flying home from my friend's house, 100 00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:24,719 I'd been to see her in Newcastle, 101 00:05:24,754 --> 00:05:27,018 and I bought an entire packet, 102 00:05:27,053 --> 00:05:29,625 like a family sized packet of biscuits, 103 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:32,991 and I tipped them all into my hand luggage 104 00:05:33,026 --> 00:05:35,499 so that I could secretly eat them on the way home, 105 00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,897 because I knew that when I went home, 106 00:05:37,932 --> 00:05:40,570 I would have to get back on it. 107 00:05:40,605 --> 00:05:42,473 You know, I'd have to start it again. 108 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,575 So this was my last supper, they call it. 109 00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,544 "Oh, well, I've eaten three biscuits now. 110 00:05:47,579 --> 00:05:50,745 Last supper, I'll eat everything in the entire house, 111 00:05:50,780 --> 00:05:52,483 and then I'll start again tomorrow, 112 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,980 I'll get back on it, I'll be good again tomorrow." 113 00:05:55,015 --> 00:05:59,985 ♪ 114 00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,559 You can imagine how horrific I would feel after doing that, 115 00:06:02,594 --> 00:06:04,462 but I was punishing and purging myself 116 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,893 because I thought, well, I've broken my diet rules, 117 00:06:06,928 --> 00:06:09,533 so I might as well keep breaking them 118 00:06:09,568 --> 00:06:10,897 and then I'll start again Monday. 119 00:06:10,932 --> 00:06:13,570 And that's the cycle that I found myself in. 120 00:06:13,605 --> 00:06:15,935 Then it got a little bit darker, so I would overeat, 121 00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,904 and then try and make myself sick. 122 00:06:17,939 --> 00:06:21,105 ♪ 123 00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:22,975 And those "last supper" moments 124 00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:25,714 were becoming more and more uncontrollable. 125 00:06:25,749 --> 00:06:27,551 And I remember standing in the queue 126 00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:29,619 having landed back home 127 00:06:29,654 --> 00:06:31,093 and having destroyed all the evidence 128 00:06:31,117 --> 00:06:33,920 of everything I've eaten and just bursting into tears 129 00:06:33,955 --> 00:06:36,989 and thinking, "There is something horribly wrong. 130 00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:39,431 This isn't okay." 131 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:43,160 And initially, I was so confused 132 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,734 because I felt like I had everything 133 00:06:45,769 --> 00:06:47,538 that I thought I wanted, 134 00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:48,902 and I couldn't understand 135 00:06:48,937 --> 00:06:51,872 why I couldn't control myself enough 136 00:06:51,907 --> 00:06:55,975 to keep this gift that I had gifted myself, 137 00:06:56,010 --> 00:07:00,144 you know, this end result that was meant to be utopia. 138 00:07:00,179 --> 00:07:06,590 ♪ 139 00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:11,595 I looked stereotypically perfect in terms of society's terms, 140 00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:14,565 you know, what we perceive to be a perfect body, 141 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,534 I guess I had obtained it. 142 00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:23,871 ♪ 143 00:07:23,906 --> 00:07:26,511 I developed an eating disorder in my teens, 144 00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,744 when I was about 15 years old at school. 145 00:07:28,779 --> 00:07:31,582 It kind of began as just casual dieting, 146 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,012 eating a little bit less. 147 00:07:33,047 --> 00:07:34,849 I lost a little bit of weight, 148 00:07:34,884 --> 00:07:36,851 and then it became more and more extreme, 149 00:07:36,886 --> 00:07:38,127 to the point where I was diagnosed 150 00:07:38,151 --> 00:07:40,723 with anorexia nervosa. 151 00:07:40,758 --> 00:07:43,088 Certain foods I felt I shouldn't eat 152 00:07:43,123 --> 00:07:44,958 'cause I wanted to lose weight 153 00:07:44,993 --> 00:07:47,763 or other people were kind of demonizing them. 154 00:07:47,798 --> 00:07:49,501 So at school, we had a canteen, 155 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,503 and at break time, everyone would buy a snack. 156 00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:53,868 And some people would just have an apple or have nothing, 157 00:07:53,903 --> 00:07:55,870 and slowly I became more aware 158 00:07:55,905 --> 00:07:57,839 of foods that were kind of weight loss foods 159 00:07:57,874 --> 00:07:59,170 and foods that weren't. 160 00:07:59,205 --> 00:08:07,205 ♪ 161 00:08:07,246 --> 00:08:12,623 Growing up, I definitely turned to food as an escape. 162 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,922 So my mom and dad divorced when I was eight. 163 00:08:14,957 --> 00:08:17,023 It was very, very, very messy, 164 00:08:17,058 --> 00:08:19,630 and food was an outlet for me. 165 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:22,963 I was taught the good and bad of food 166 00:08:22,998 --> 00:08:27,099 but as a child I never quite saw food as that, 167 00:08:27,134 --> 00:08:29,937 I just saw it as like... Almost like a friend 168 00:08:29,972 --> 00:08:33,644 that I could turn to and it would make me happy. 169 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:38,110 And when I was about 10, I believe it was, 170 00:08:38,145 --> 00:08:41,014 my dad took me to a dietician, 171 00:08:41,049 --> 00:08:43,918 and I just remember it just being 172 00:08:43,953 --> 00:08:46,316 a very, very serious conversation 173 00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:49,858 of like my weight and the size I was. 174 00:08:49,893 --> 00:08:52,025 ♪ 175 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:54,863 As I developed more and more into the illness, 176 00:08:54,898 --> 00:08:58,097 it did become about weight, and it was a very rigid control 177 00:08:58,132 --> 00:08:59,329 of the number on the scales, 178 00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,771 and that became the focus. 179 00:09:01,806 --> 00:09:03,212 And my view of exercise also changed. 180 00:09:03,236 --> 00:09:05,907 I used to just love being an outdoors person, 181 00:09:05,942 --> 00:09:07,942 and then over the years at school, 182 00:09:07,977 --> 00:09:10,109 it became more of a routine that I must do, 183 00:09:10,144 --> 00:09:14,146 another way of controlling, kind of, my behavior. 184 00:09:14,181 --> 00:09:16,819 ♪ 185 00:09:16,854 --> 00:09:20,757 So my dad has always been very fitness conscious. 186 00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:24,057 He's very into the good and bad food idea. 187 00:09:24,092 --> 00:09:27,896 It would simply be like my dad would monitor, 188 00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,832 so if we'd gone out the night before, 189 00:09:29,867 --> 00:09:31,328 we'd had some food, 190 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:35,739 like it would be a mixture of burger and chips one night 191 00:09:35,774 --> 00:09:38,302 and then maybe something like a pasta dish the next. 192 00:09:38,337 --> 00:09:42,680 Like whereas my mom, it would be what we wanted. 193 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,341 So we had a bit of a free-for-all. 194 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:50,985 ♪ 195 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:53,724 And I kept getting progressively more unwell, 196 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,352 and so eventually, I was admitted 197 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:56,958 to an inpatient unit. 198 00:09:56,993 --> 00:10:00,632 I've been in twice, once when I was at school, 199 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,129 so I missed my final year of school, 200 00:10:03,164 --> 00:10:07,100 and I received treatment for quite a long time, 201 00:10:07,135 --> 00:10:09,267 about nine months, but I was still mentally 202 00:10:09,302 --> 00:10:10,939 in a very bad place. 203 00:10:10,974 --> 00:10:12,336 And so unfortunately, I relapsed, 204 00:10:12,371 --> 00:10:14,008 and this time quite badly. 205 00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:16,109 I got to a very, very low BMI, 206 00:10:16,144 --> 00:10:19,211 and a very poor physical and mental state 207 00:10:19,246 --> 00:10:21,851 and was admitted to hospital again. 208 00:10:21,886 --> 00:10:26,691 And I think that's when I felt like I hit rock bottom. 209 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:30,662 I... I didn't leave the unit for a very long time. 210 00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:38,670 ♪ 211 00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:40,265 Oh, man. 212 00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:45,237 Long nails are the enemy 213 00:10:45,272 --> 00:10:47,910 of progress 214 00:10:47,945 --> 00:10:50,143 when it comes to doing eyelashes. 215 00:10:51,916 --> 00:10:54,345 But I have to be cute. 216 00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:57,216 My biological mom was really verbally abusive 217 00:10:57,251 --> 00:10:58,384 towards me and my body, 218 00:10:58,419 --> 00:11:03,387 and I think that's when I started hating who I was. 219 00:11:03,422 --> 00:11:06,225 She'd always say to me that my face was beautiful 220 00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:08,029 and I was really pretty, 221 00:11:08,064 --> 00:11:11,164 but it was just a shame that my body didn't match. 222 00:11:11,199 --> 00:11:15,102 And hearing that when you're seven, eight, nine, 223 00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:19,304 10, 11, 12, 16, 18, 224 00:11:19,339 --> 00:11:20,954 your mom's voice becomes your inner voice. 225 00:11:20,978 --> 00:11:23,110 That's just life, that's... 226 00:11:23,145 --> 00:11:24,980 You're the product of your environment. 227 00:11:25,015 --> 00:11:31,382 ♪ 228 00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:33,384 There we go, there's the fringe. 229 00:11:33,419 --> 00:11:35,452 This is who I recognize. 230 00:11:38,094 --> 00:11:39,291 Oh. 231 00:11:39,326 --> 00:11:42,063 I'm so used to having lashes, 232 00:11:42,098 --> 00:11:45,968 but I'm au naturale today. 233 00:11:46,003 --> 00:11:47,035 Come on. 234 00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:56,044 When I was a child, I was molested 235 00:11:56,079 --> 00:11:58,981 by a biological... Not foster family... 236 00:11:59,016 --> 00:12:01,115 Biological family member. 237 00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:03,315 That was never dealt with, 238 00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:05,790 and I was just told that it was my fault. 239 00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:08,518 When I was 13, I got raped again, 240 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:11,356 but I couldn't talk to anyone about it. 241 00:12:11,391 --> 00:12:13,798 I didn't really understand what sex was, 242 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,492 let alone rape. 243 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:19,529 I couldn't even fight valiantly, you know? 244 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,463 When people go into battle, 245 00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:21,331 even if they know they're gonna die, 246 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,468 they still just, "Ahhh! For Sparta!" 247 00:12:24,503 --> 00:12:27,438 Or whatever, but I didn't have that at all. 248 00:12:27,473 --> 00:12:29,979 I felt like everyone had some kind of armor 249 00:12:30,014 --> 00:12:31,112 or weaponry on, 250 00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:34,181 and I was just a young girl there 251 00:12:34,216 --> 00:12:37,250 in rag clothes, like sackcloth, 252 00:12:37,285 --> 00:12:40,352 and I just got shot, killed, assaulted, murdered, 253 00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:44,796 and I didn't have any control or any choice over it. 254 00:12:44,831 --> 00:12:49,933 And because I didn't fight, because I couldn't fight, 255 00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:51,495 I hated myself for it, 256 00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:54,905 and I detached myself from my body 257 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:59,503 for a very, very, very long time. 258 00:12:59,538 --> 00:13:03,815 I binge-ate and over... 259 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:05,443 I just never heard 260 00:13:05,478 --> 00:13:07,313 about being intuitive with my own body, 261 00:13:07,348 --> 00:13:08,952 and I didn't really like my body, 262 00:13:08,987 --> 00:13:11,020 so the prospect of having to listen to it 263 00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:14,386 or be in it in order to respond to it 264 00:13:14,421 --> 00:13:16,960 in a way that was beneficial to me 265 00:13:16,995 --> 00:13:18,995 was wildly alien. 266 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:20,227 And being a disabled person 267 00:13:20,262 --> 00:13:22,966 just made that an awful lot harder. 268 00:13:23,001 --> 00:13:24,429 Being in the medical system 269 00:13:24,464 --> 00:13:28,235 and actually not always being physically capable of eating 270 00:13:28,270 --> 00:13:30,842 and getting my nutrition orally. 271 00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:35,407 ♪ 272 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:42,986 - That's all right. - Yeah, probably fine. 273 00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:44,856 No, I didn't notice immediately. 274 00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:48,585 And I think she... Hannah had slimmed down, 275 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,961 but actually I remember thinking she looked... 276 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,491 I mean, she was still... She wasn't skinny, 277 00:13:53,526 --> 00:13:56,131 but she'd definitely slimmed down, 278 00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:58,364 and she was always quite a keen cyclist. 279 00:13:58,399 --> 00:14:00,300 And I remember we went cycling 280 00:14:00,335 --> 00:14:02,368 just before it all sort of got really bad, 281 00:14:02,403 --> 00:14:04,447 and I just remember thinking that she looked lovely, 282 00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:07,571 and I didn't think for one minute 283 00:14:07,606 --> 00:14:10,178 that it was the problem it was. 284 00:14:10,213 --> 00:14:14,578 And I started to realize that she was losing more weight, 285 00:14:14,613 --> 00:14:15,746 and then I got worried. 286 00:14:15,781 --> 00:14:18,516 And then I think the school asked us to talk to them. 287 00:14:18,551 --> 00:14:20,419 ♪ 288 00:14:20,454 --> 00:14:22,134 Certainly, when Hannah was an adolescent, 289 00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:25,193 the therapy was based on the parents taking control 290 00:14:25,228 --> 00:14:27,096 and actually having a meal plan 291 00:14:27,131 --> 00:14:28,537 and making them stick to the meal plan 292 00:14:28,561 --> 00:14:31,529 so they ate everything on the table, 293 00:14:31,564 --> 00:14:33,113 and we could be there at two in the morning 294 00:14:33,137 --> 00:14:35,665 trying to get a yogurt in, 295 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:39,174 and that caused a huge conflict. 296 00:14:39,209 --> 00:14:43,343 Ultimately, when the disorder's so much about control, 297 00:14:43,378 --> 00:14:45,224 if someone's trying to force you to do something, 298 00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:48,117 they're taking everything out of your control. 299 00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:51,219 And I think the times when you tried to force me 300 00:14:51,254 --> 00:14:53,287 were the times when the eating disorder 301 00:14:53,322 --> 00:14:56,356 fought back harder than ever. 302 00:14:56,391 --> 00:14:59,964 So it's meant to be early intervention... 303 00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:02,428 Eating disorders are not about food. 304 00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:03,935 They're never about food. 305 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,343 When something goes wrong with eating, 306 00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:06,333 then we know that there's something 307 00:15:06,368 --> 00:15:08,467 really fundamental going wrong. 308 00:15:08,502 --> 00:15:11,602 And that's why treatments for eating disorders 309 00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:15,474 are long and complex and intense. 310 00:15:15,509 --> 00:15:17,509 There's a kind of wish sometimes 311 00:15:17,544 --> 00:15:18,410 for it to be about the food 312 00:15:18,445 --> 00:15:20,985 because that would just be much easier. 313 00:15:22,549 --> 00:15:25,957 - And she said Sydenham Hill. - Yeah. 314 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:36,033 I've never, ever, ever spoken to my dad, 315 00:15:36,068 --> 00:15:38,365 but I know, growing up, my dad... 316 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,369 I believe it was protecting me from being fat, 317 00:15:42,404 --> 00:15:44,404 because, in that day and age, 318 00:15:44,439 --> 00:15:46,637 and I mean, it's still here now, 319 00:15:46,672 --> 00:15:49,112 but being fat was bad, 320 00:15:49,147 --> 00:15:51,114 and I think he thought me being bigger 321 00:15:51,149 --> 00:15:54,150 would limit my chances of having a good life 322 00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:57,285 and succeeding and doing well. 323 00:16:05,361 --> 00:16:07,042 I actually ended up with an eating disorder, 324 00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:09,759 which lasted for about six years, 325 00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:13,037 so I suffered terribly from binge-eating disorder, 326 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:15,402 and that was closely linked with body dysmorphia, 327 00:16:15,437 --> 00:16:19,571 so I had in my mind that I needed to look a certain way. 328 00:16:19,606 --> 00:16:21,111 I was kind of placing my happiness 329 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,640 in something external, 330 00:16:22,675 --> 00:16:25,478 and it just led to very extreme food style behaviors, 331 00:16:25,513 --> 00:16:28,679 so having come from a good relationship 332 00:16:28,714 --> 00:16:30,351 with food growing up, 333 00:16:30,386 --> 00:16:34,091 it soon went south very, very quickly. 334 00:16:37,690 --> 00:16:42,528 Think of bigorexia like reverse anorexia. 335 00:16:42,563 --> 00:16:45,564 Instead of people who really want to be thin 336 00:16:45,599 --> 00:16:48,666 and desperately want to lose weight, 337 00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:51,636 you have predominantly young men 338 00:16:51,671 --> 00:16:54,045 who want to be more muscular, 339 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,180 and the sort of diet and training 340 00:16:57,215 --> 00:16:59,215 that they involve themselves with 341 00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:01,415 are geared toward becoming more muscular. 342 00:17:04,585 --> 00:17:07,586 Muscle dysmorphia is not dangerous, per se, 343 00:17:07,621 --> 00:17:10,424 but it is debilitating, and that's different. 344 00:17:10,459 --> 00:17:12,756 People who have really high levels of anxiety 345 00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:14,230 are debilitated by it. 346 00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:15,759 Like, it can ruin their life. 347 00:17:15,794 --> 00:17:19,301 And we see a similar thing with muscle dysmorphia. 348 00:17:22,570 --> 00:17:23,734 Are you an idiot? 349 00:17:23,769 --> 00:17:26,308 What is this? 350 00:17:26,343 --> 00:17:29,278 You'd better do your dancing again. 351 00:17:29,313 --> 00:17:33,546 I think it is celebrating a disordered behavior 352 00:17:33,581 --> 00:17:35,647 in relationship with food, 353 00:17:35,682 --> 00:17:39,090 and it's an attempt to legitimize that behavior 354 00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:41,389 by giving it another name. 355 00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:46,097 But I think if we take the cheat meal concept out of it 356 00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:47,376 and we look at it for what it is, 357 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:51,564 I think it's fairly obvious that it's a disordered behavior 358 00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:53,434 to engage with with food. 359 00:18:04,348 --> 00:18:08,581 I didn't treat my body with any amount of love, 360 00:18:08,616 --> 00:18:10,385 I was so detached from it. 361 00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:14,818 Be it the small things, like... sounds silly, 362 00:18:14,853 --> 00:18:16,787 but as a Black woman, just cleaning my skin. 363 00:18:16,822 --> 00:18:17,887 I hated it. 364 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:18,922 I hated the skin. 365 00:18:18,957 --> 00:18:23,761 I hated the skin that didn't do anything for me. 366 00:18:23,796 --> 00:18:29,833 Or eating unhealthily, 367 00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:32,341 not necessarily binge-eating, 368 00:18:32,376 --> 00:18:33,650 but not eating throughout the whole day 369 00:18:33,674 --> 00:18:35,608 and then eating at 11 o'clock at night. 370 00:18:35,643 --> 00:18:37,148 Worst thing you can do, 371 00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,513 it's so bad for your digestive system. 372 00:18:39,548 --> 00:18:43,253 Sexually, no boundaries, no walls, 373 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,321 no "Hey, stop here, 374 00:18:45,356 --> 00:18:47,422 I actually don't really want this to happen." 375 00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,820 I didn't really care, so if it does then it does, 376 00:18:49,855 --> 00:18:51,228 if it doesn't, it doesn't. 377 00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:54,693 I... I place no value on this body, 378 00:18:54,728 --> 00:18:57,201 so do with it what you like. 379 00:18:57,236 --> 00:19:00,534 And it's dangerous. 380 00:19:00,569 --> 00:19:03,273 It's very, very, very reckless. 381 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,770 So I hate what's been done to this body, 382 00:19:05,805 --> 00:19:08,476 but there's nowhere else to direct it, 383 00:19:08,511 --> 00:19:09,752 so I'll do what everyone else does 384 00:19:09,776 --> 00:19:12,282 and direct it at my body, too. 385 00:19:17,718 --> 00:19:24,459 ♪ 386 00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:27,231 It affected things massively. 387 00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:29,200 You know, I was causing so much upset 388 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,663 and distress to my mom and dad, 389 00:19:30,698 --> 00:19:34,568 because they were just seeing like a boy who was in pain, 390 00:19:34,603 --> 00:19:35,877 and that's the only way I can describe it. 391 00:19:35,901 --> 00:19:37,703 I was in a lot of pain. 392 00:19:40,675 --> 00:19:43,346 I was with a girlfriend at the time 393 00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:47,350 and caused her a lot of angst and upset along the way. 394 00:19:47,385 --> 00:19:49,847 ♪ 395 00:19:49,882 --> 00:19:50,714 People would be like, 396 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,586 "Do you fancy meeting for a coffee?" 397 00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:55,688 And I'd break out into a cold sweat. 398 00:19:55,723 --> 00:19:57,723 Family would be like, "Oh, let's have 399 00:19:57,758 --> 00:19:59,362 a Christmas dinner together," 400 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:02,530 and I'd be absolutely terrified. 401 00:20:02,565 --> 00:20:03,993 Like, what are they gonna make me? 402 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,501 Am I going to be able to eat anything? 403 00:20:06,536 --> 00:20:08,371 Oh, it was just... 404 00:20:08,406 --> 00:20:12,672 ♪ 405 00:20:12,707 --> 00:20:14,245 I became a secret eater, 406 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,677 because my mom often shamed me quite openly 407 00:20:17,712 --> 00:20:19,547 when it came to food. 408 00:20:19,582 --> 00:20:22,550 There would be a comment about the amount of rice 409 00:20:22,585 --> 00:20:23,784 that I've eaten, 410 00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:26,686 or the fact that there's not enough salad on the plate, 411 00:20:26,721 --> 00:20:29,590 and it's just like, "Okay. 412 00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:31,262 I will eat air." 413 00:20:32,892 --> 00:20:35,332 Put some sauce on it. 414 00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:36,433 Mm, tasty. 415 00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:38,038 So people might say, "Yeah, I didn't really see... 416 00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:39,567 Jo didn't really eat that much. 417 00:20:39,602 --> 00:20:40,777 I haven't really seen Mojo eat." 418 00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:41,700 Yeah, because I don't want you to, 419 00:20:41,736 --> 00:20:43,868 because in my brain, I have to eat in silence 420 00:20:43,903 --> 00:20:45,375 or in secret. 421 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,707 When everyone goes to bed in my mom's house, 422 00:20:47,742 --> 00:20:49,841 I'd try and like... I'd go in the kitchen, 423 00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:53,614 I'm so good at sneaking around. 424 00:20:53,649 --> 00:20:56,485 Two o'clock at night would be when I have my dinner. 425 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,915 I'll have a fake dinner at eight 426 00:20:57,950 --> 00:20:59,532 so that everyone can see that I'm eating 427 00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:01,358 and not ask me any problems, 428 00:21:01,393 --> 00:21:05,659 but I was so afraid to eat, I'd just do it in secret. 429 00:21:08,532 --> 00:21:16,532 ♪ 430 00:21:18,542 --> 00:21:19,739 I didn't want to get better, 431 00:21:19,774 --> 00:21:21,312 so I was fighting the system 432 00:21:21,347 --> 00:21:23,875 when I was receiving outpatient treatment. 433 00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:25,943 And although the outpatient treatment 434 00:21:25,978 --> 00:21:29,749 was trying to do its best, it just didn't... 435 00:21:29,784 --> 00:21:33,654 It didn't get to the crux of what was really going on. 436 00:21:33,689 --> 00:21:37,427 ♪ 437 00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:44,764 It has been the hardest thing ever to deal with, 438 00:21:44,799 --> 00:21:48,097 not just for me, but for everybody, for Hannah. 439 00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:49,934 And I try to put myself in her shoes 440 00:21:49,969 --> 00:21:54,444 and think, you know, when we're struggling, 441 00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:57,612 how does it feel for her in her head? 442 00:21:57,647 --> 00:21:59,350 And you can never really do that, 443 00:21:59,385 --> 00:22:02,551 but you can empathize 444 00:22:02,586 --> 00:22:04,553 when you couldn't understand. 445 00:22:04,588 --> 00:22:12,588 ♪ 446 00:22:21,572 --> 00:22:23,638 I was so under-rested, unrecovered, 447 00:22:23,673 --> 00:22:25,376 my stress levels were through the roof, 448 00:22:25,411 --> 00:22:27,807 and it just perpetuated the binge cycle, 449 00:22:27,842 --> 00:22:28,953 because I would get to the end of the week, 450 00:22:28,977 --> 00:22:30,854 my body would be like, "What the hell are you doing? 451 00:22:30,878 --> 00:22:32,416 Put some fuel in!" 452 00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:33,978 And so, for me, that fuel would be 453 00:22:34,013 --> 00:22:37,652 my big Domino blowout binges. 454 00:22:37,687 --> 00:22:39,951 I had in my mind that, "I'll just keep going, 455 00:22:39,986 --> 00:22:42,558 'cause once I get through this bit of unhappiness, 456 00:22:42,593 --> 00:22:44,087 then I'll be happy." 457 00:22:44,122 --> 00:22:46,430 And guess what? I never did. 458 00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:50,159 ♪ 459 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:52,964 In the long run, dieting may actually be 460 00:22:52,999 --> 00:22:55,835 doing the opposite effect of what it's intended to. 461 00:22:55,870 --> 00:22:57,573 You know, if you have a beach ball 462 00:22:57,608 --> 00:22:59,905 that's floating on the surface of the water, 463 00:22:59,940 --> 00:23:02,578 and you go to push it under, what's gonna happen? 464 00:23:02,613 --> 00:23:04,492 You're gonna be able to push it down a certain amount, 465 00:23:04,516 --> 00:23:06,142 and then it's gonna bounce back up. 466 00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,715 And each time you do it, 467 00:23:07,750 --> 00:23:09,717 it's gonna fly back up in the air. 468 00:23:09,752 --> 00:23:12,423 And that's exactly what happens 469 00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:14,755 with our metabolism when we diet. 470 00:23:14,790 --> 00:23:16,856 We double our efforts every single time 471 00:23:16,891 --> 00:23:19,023 that the diet fails us. 472 00:23:21,467 --> 00:23:24,633 ♪ 473 00:23:24,668 --> 00:23:28,032 Diets are really popular simply because society tells us 474 00:23:28,067 --> 00:23:29,836 that we need to look a certain way, 475 00:23:29,871 --> 00:23:32,476 that we need to behave a certain way, 476 00:23:32,511 --> 00:23:35,611 and because that pressure from society is on all of us, 477 00:23:35,646 --> 00:23:37,679 that naturally makes diets very popular, 478 00:23:37,714 --> 00:23:39,648 because we see someone who's thin 479 00:23:39,683 --> 00:23:41,716 and think they're a good person. 480 00:23:41,751 --> 00:23:44,180 Obviously, therefore, people want to be thin 481 00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:45,720 and will go on diets. 482 00:23:45,755 --> 00:23:47,920 So no, just because dieting is popular 483 00:23:47,955 --> 00:23:50,527 doesn't mean that it's risk-free either. 484 00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:55,125 ♪ 485 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,667 I was quite unaware of what I was doing. 486 00:23:58,702 --> 00:24:02,671 ♪ 487 00:24:02,706 --> 00:24:04,068 I had a lot going on at home. 488 00:24:04,103 --> 00:24:06,873 My dad, a couple of years beforehand, 489 00:24:06,908 --> 00:24:08,941 had been diagnosed with throat cancer 490 00:24:08,976 --> 00:24:10,547 and had been going through treatment, 491 00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:12,945 and that had been really challenging as a family. 492 00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:17,015 I was... I had braces at the time, 493 00:24:17,050 --> 00:24:18,885 I still have ginger hair, but at the time, 494 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,117 I was very conscious of it. 495 00:24:20,152 --> 00:24:21,558 I was teased quite a lot at school 496 00:24:21,593 --> 00:24:23,098 for kind of being a little bit overweight, 497 00:24:23,122 --> 00:24:25,859 so I think my control over my food 498 00:24:25,894 --> 00:24:28,565 became the thing I could control in my life. 499 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,666 ♪ 500 00:24:32,934 --> 00:24:40,775 ♪ 501 00:24:40,810 --> 00:24:45,813 So for me, I was controlling something else in my life, 502 00:24:45,848 --> 00:24:46,979 which was food and training, 503 00:24:47,014 --> 00:24:48,684 because I wasn't actually in control 504 00:24:48,719 --> 00:24:51,214 of some emotional things that I wasn't dealing with. 505 00:24:51,249 --> 00:24:53,051 I was a very poor communicator, 506 00:24:53,086 --> 00:24:54,888 didn't like confrontation, 507 00:24:54,923 --> 00:24:58,254 and I think the initial feelings 508 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:01,631 stemmed from me not feeling okay about myself. 509 00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:04,898 I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough 510 00:25:04,933 --> 00:25:06,999 by certain people growing up in my life 511 00:25:07,034 --> 00:25:08,902 that made me feel like that, 512 00:25:08,937 --> 00:25:11,641 and that's where I then took the control of, 513 00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:14,644 "when I look like this, then I'll be happy." 514 00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:22,113 ♪ 515 00:25:22,148 --> 00:25:26,249 ♪ Small clan, we're just a small clan ♪ 516 00:25:26,284 --> 00:25:29,692 ♪ We don't touch the small clans ♪ 517 00:25:29,727 --> 00:25:32,090 ♪ Swindle the small clans ♪ 518 00:25:32,125 --> 00:25:35,192 ♪ We don't run the small clans ♪ 519 00:25:35,227 --> 00:25:37,931 ♪ We're just a small clan ♪ 520 00:25:37,966 --> 00:25:39,746 I've always been bullied because of my weight 521 00:25:39,770 --> 00:25:41,066 and because of my height. 522 00:25:41,101 --> 00:25:42,573 So I've always been the biggest, 523 00:25:42,608 --> 00:25:44,608 I've always been the tallest, 524 00:25:44,643 --> 00:25:46,236 all the way throughout school. 525 00:25:46,271 --> 00:25:49,272 They were always picking on me just because I was different. 526 00:25:49,307 --> 00:25:52,880 I went into, like, a stage of being emo, 527 00:25:52,915 --> 00:25:55,212 so it was... you know, colored hair, 528 00:25:55,247 --> 00:25:57,313 black hair, big swoop in front, 529 00:25:57,348 --> 00:26:00,349 listening to rock music. 530 00:26:00,384 --> 00:26:02,758 I don't know whether it was my defense barrier 531 00:26:02,793 --> 00:26:07,257 of not really digesting it, so to speak, 532 00:26:07,292 --> 00:26:09,292 and just letting them carry on. 533 00:26:11,230 --> 00:26:19,230 ♪ 534 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,110 That's me at, like, junior school. 535 00:26:25,145 --> 00:26:27,618 That's Sports Day. 536 00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:31,281 My not favorite day of the year, you can imagine. 537 00:26:34,858 --> 00:26:37,122 By the time I left secondary school, 538 00:26:37,157 --> 00:26:39,729 I very much was a fat person. 539 00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:43,865 I was very obviously different to my peers, 540 00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:46,362 but I guess that feeling of otherness, 541 00:26:46,397 --> 00:26:50,399 that sense of just feeling different to other people 542 00:26:50,434 --> 00:26:54,271 I think sometimes, in naivety, 543 00:26:54,306 --> 00:26:57,010 it's easy to just attribute that to your body, 544 00:26:57,045 --> 00:26:58,275 "Oh, well, I was fat. 545 00:26:58,310 --> 00:27:00,112 I was always different because I was fat, 546 00:27:00,147 --> 00:27:02,015 I was always other because I was fat," 547 00:27:02,050 --> 00:27:05,788 and actually I just felt different. 548 00:27:05,823 --> 00:27:10,760 And I had just met my then partner, now wife, 549 00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:15,193 and I think I just... I wanted to transform. 550 00:27:15,228 --> 00:27:18,867 I wanted to be entirely different 551 00:27:18,902 --> 00:27:21,903 to who I'd been previously. 552 00:27:21,938 --> 00:27:25,335 Can I have a kiss? 553 00:27:25,370 --> 00:27:26,974 Yeah, that'll be nice. 554 00:27:27,009 --> 00:27:30,373 I got my lipstick on your chin, I'm sorry. 555 00:27:30,408 --> 00:27:35,147 Quite often, eating disorders and eating issues 556 00:27:35,182 --> 00:27:37,787 provide a kind of framework of routine 557 00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:40,889 or certainty for us to hang our anxieties on. 558 00:27:40,924 --> 00:27:44,926 Instead of addressing what's happening in our lives, 559 00:27:44,961 --> 00:27:48,325 in our worlds, we try to then go for a quick fix, 560 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:49,504 which is, "Well, if I can fix my body, 561 00:27:49,528 --> 00:27:52,901 then maybe that will trigger all of these other things 562 00:27:52,936 --> 00:27:54,375 to improve in the rest of my life," 563 00:27:54,399 --> 00:27:57,136 but it never really happens that way. 564 00:27:57,171 --> 00:28:05,171 ♪ 565 00:28:07,181 --> 00:28:09,445 I always told everyone I was fine, you know? 566 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:10,446 People would say, "How are you doing?" 567 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:11,380 "Oh, I'm fine." 568 00:28:11,416 --> 00:28:14,890 It was an immediate sort of bat-off remark. 569 00:28:14,925 --> 00:28:17,420 I started to ask myself a lot more questions 570 00:28:17,455 --> 00:28:19,994 and to really reflect on what I was doing, 571 00:28:20,029 --> 00:28:21,996 because ultimately what I was doing 572 00:28:22,031 --> 00:28:23,998 was making me very unhappy. 573 00:28:24,033 --> 00:28:30,939 ♪ 574 00:28:30,974 --> 00:28:32,842 I went through a really dark depression 575 00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,911 and stopped eating, which to me was a huge sign 576 00:28:35,946 --> 00:28:39,849 that my emotions had changed as a comfort eater. 577 00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:43,347 But the fact that I didn't eat at all, 578 00:28:43,382 --> 00:28:47,384 secret or in public, like, that's when I said, 579 00:28:47,419 --> 00:28:49,518 "Okay, there's clearly an issue with me 580 00:28:49,553 --> 00:28:51,289 and my eating habits and my food," 581 00:28:51,324 --> 00:28:52,928 but I didn't feel like my partner 582 00:28:52,963 --> 00:28:55,458 was supportive of that at all. 583 00:28:55,493 --> 00:29:00,232 I feel like my experience of it was keep me fat, 584 00:29:00,267 --> 00:29:02,399 keep me depressed, keep me down, 585 00:29:02,434 --> 00:29:04,368 and I would never have stepped on her toes. 586 00:29:04,403 --> 00:29:08,306 That was how I felt in that relationship. 587 00:29:08,341 --> 00:29:10,847 However, I did go to carnival, 588 00:29:10,882 --> 00:29:15,478 I did Notting Hill Carnival 2016 and '17. 589 00:29:18,021 --> 00:29:19,416 For me, that was a safe space. 590 00:29:19,451 --> 00:29:20,923 I mean, it's out in public, 591 00:29:20,958 --> 00:29:23,156 but it was a safe space to explore my body 592 00:29:23,191 --> 00:29:24,960 and be free in it because of the culture, 593 00:29:24,995 --> 00:29:26,456 because of the environment. 594 00:29:26,491 --> 00:29:28,139 It's the only place where you can be naked 595 00:29:28,163 --> 00:29:29,029 one day of the year 596 00:29:29,064 --> 00:29:31,164 and have no one say a thing about it. 597 00:29:31,199 --> 00:29:31,998 So the first year, 598 00:29:32,033 --> 00:29:33,342 I was actually really disappointed 599 00:29:33,366 --> 00:29:35,234 that I wore so much clothes. 600 00:29:35,269 --> 00:29:39,810 I had a black leotard on and very thin black tights. 601 00:29:39,845 --> 00:29:41,911 I still feel ashamed that I wore that much. 602 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,187 I think it was way too much clothing, 603 00:29:43,211 --> 00:29:45,079 I was too covered up. 604 00:29:45,114 --> 00:29:51,217 ♪ 605 00:29:51,252 --> 00:29:53,351 Okay, guys, what is going on? 606 00:29:53,386 --> 00:29:55,056 Don't be angry, girl, it's carnival! 607 00:29:55,091 --> 00:29:56,091 What's going on? 608 00:29:56,125 --> 00:29:57,960 Don't be angry, okay? 609 00:29:57,995 --> 00:29:59,896 Listen! 610 00:30:11,041 --> 00:30:13,041 I wasn't born in Britain. 611 00:30:13,076 --> 00:30:17,474 I lived in the Caribbean from birth to about 17, 612 00:30:17,509 --> 00:30:21,577 and where I'm from, the thicker you are, 613 00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:23,513 the more celebrated you are. 614 00:30:23,548 --> 00:30:26,989 Men don't have a problem with your size. 615 00:30:27,024 --> 00:30:32,522 ♪ 616 00:30:32,557 --> 00:30:35,129 It was very difficult to transition 617 00:30:35,164 --> 00:30:39,265 from the love I had for myself as a 17-year-old 618 00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:40,530 coming to the UK. 619 00:30:40,565 --> 00:30:42,873 It was a bit shocking for me 620 00:30:42,908 --> 00:30:46,404 to see that women here that I met, 621 00:30:46,439 --> 00:30:49,979 most of them, instead of complimenting themself, 622 00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:53,312 they would always really talk negatively 623 00:30:53,347 --> 00:30:56,216 about their bodies and dress in a way 624 00:30:56,251 --> 00:30:59,384 that really cover up their body, 625 00:30:59,419 --> 00:31:01,518 and they don't want to show their curves, 626 00:31:01,553 --> 00:31:05,588 and they don't want to show their bodies at all. 627 00:31:05,623 --> 00:31:10,098 ♪ 628 00:31:10,133 --> 00:31:13,068 Everybody feels a little bit uncomfortable 629 00:31:13,103 --> 00:31:15,004 with how they look, 630 00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:18,172 but with bigger women, 631 00:31:18,207 --> 00:31:21,241 we're not allowed to feel bad. 632 00:31:21,276 --> 00:31:23,573 We first must feel ashamed, 633 00:31:23,608 --> 00:31:26,411 and every feeling that we feel about our bodies 634 00:31:26,446 --> 00:31:28,017 grows out of that. 635 00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:30,316 They are setting the tone 636 00:31:30,351 --> 00:31:33,121 for our relationships with our bodies, 637 00:31:33,156 --> 00:31:35,684 and that alone is unhealthy, 638 00:31:35,719 --> 00:31:37,653 but what else can we do but be caught up 639 00:31:37,688 --> 00:31:39,160 in the opinion of others 640 00:31:39,195 --> 00:31:43,296 when there are so many negative opinions? 641 00:31:49,139 --> 00:31:51,073 Like with the trolling I get. 642 00:31:51,108 --> 00:31:54,538 It's like, "How dare you go travel the world 643 00:31:54,573 --> 00:31:56,177 and be in these amazing places? 644 00:31:56,212 --> 00:31:57,618 Like, how dare you go and enjoy yourself? 645 00:31:57,642 --> 00:32:01,017 How dare you be in a job and be more successful than me? 646 00:32:01,052 --> 00:32:03,382 How dare you do these videos for the BBC?" 647 00:32:09,555 --> 00:32:11,060 How dare you be fat 648 00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:13,689 and be succeeding in doing these things? 649 00:32:18,465 --> 00:32:20,608 Like, believe me, I have had to work three times as hard 650 00:32:20,632 --> 00:32:22,500 to work in the fashion industry 651 00:32:22,535 --> 00:32:26,339 and put myself in very, very uncomfortable situations. 652 00:32:26,374 --> 00:32:28,308 Like, I haven't got it easy. 653 00:32:37,550 --> 00:32:40,551 Hello, kitten! 654 00:32:40,586 --> 00:32:43,092 What's really hard to get across to people 655 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:47,459 is that for 10 years, I lived in a fat body 656 00:32:47,494 --> 00:32:49,197 and I was a wheelchair user, 657 00:32:49,232 --> 00:32:53,432 and it's the microaggressions that you don't even realize 658 00:32:53,467 --> 00:32:55,566 that are taking place around you. 659 00:32:55,601 --> 00:32:58,569 It's things like not being able to access seating 660 00:32:58,604 --> 00:32:59,737 when you're in clinic, 661 00:32:59,772 --> 00:33:02,540 because the seats are so small you can't sit on them. 662 00:33:02,575 --> 00:33:04,608 It's the really, really little things 663 00:33:04,643 --> 00:33:07,413 like, "Oh, we haven't got gowns that are gonna fit you. 664 00:33:07,448 --> 00:33:10,284 We'll get you three and just, you know, put them around you," 665 00:33:10,319 --> 00:33:12,682 or, "You'll have to wear men's pajamas, 666 00:33:12,717 --> 00:33:15,619 because we haven't got anything big enough for you otherwise." 667 00:33:15,654 --> 00:33:18,358 It's those little things, and they add up. 668 00:33:18,393 --> 00:33:20,723 That's how microaggressions work. 669 00:33:20,758 --> 00:33:23,396 Just that drip constantly that you're not good enough, 670 00:33:23,431 --> 00:33:24,694 that your body is irrelevant, 671 00:33:24,729 --> 00:33:26,366 that you're harming yourself. 672 00:33:26,401 --> 00:33:29,270 That, you know, this is your fault. 673 00:33:29,305 --> 00:33:33,208 ♪ 674 00:33:33,243 --> 00:33:35,342 Probably the most traumatic experience 675 00:33:35,377 --> 00:33:37,641 was the time that I was in intensive care. 676 00:33:37,676 --> 00:33:41,315 I was in respiratory arrest, so my lungs had failed, 677 00:33:41,350 --> 00:33:43,482 I wasn't able to breathe for myself. 678 00:33:43,517 --> 00:33:45,352 I was in heart failure. 679 00:33:45,387 --> 00:33:48,487 I had sepsis, which is an infection of your blood, 680 00:33:48,522 --> 00:33:51,292 and I remember the nurse looking at me 681 00:33:51,327 --> 00:33:53,822 and saying, "You're doing this to yourself." 682 00:33:53,857 --> 00:33:56,594 She started talking at me, 683 00:33:56,629 --> 00:33:59,069 because obviously, I couldn't respond to her, 684 00:33:59,104 --> 00:34:02,567 about how I really needed to do something about my weight 685 00:34:02,602 --> 00:34:04,272 and that if I wasn't so fat 686 00:34:04,307 --> 00:34:07,473 then my lungs wouldn't have struggled so much. 687 00:34:07,508 --> 00:34:10,740 ♪ 688 00:34:10,775 --> 00:34:12,610 We have research that actually shows 689 00:34:12,645 --> 00:34:15,679 that weight is not necessarily 690 00:34:15,714 --> 00:34:18,253 an accurate indicator of health, 691 00:34:18,288 --> 00:34:20,189 and we can't actually tell anything 692 00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:24,688 about somebody's health based on what they look like. 693 00:34:24,723 --> 00:34:28,461 It's really upsetting to go to the doctor, for example, 694 00:34:28,496 --> 00:34:30,793 with a general head cold, let's say, 695 00:34:30,828 --> 00:34:34,500 and leave after being bombarded for 10 minutes 696 00:34:34,535 --> 00:34:35,875 about how they need to lose weight 697 00:34:35,899 --> 00:34:37,800 and how they need to go on a diet, 698 00:34:37,835 --> 00:34:40,605 and, you know, it's extremely stressful, 699 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:42,838 and that's what's known as weight stigma. 700 00:34:42,873 --> 00:34:47,117 ♪ 701 00:34:47,152 --> 00:34:51,187 The stigma that's attached to weight, my weight, 702 00:34:51,222 --> 00:34:54,619 is so real, it feels unreal. 703 00:34:54,654 --> 00:35:00,559 I can't be... I'm not allowed to be sexy because I'm fat. 704 00:35:00,594 --> 00:35:01,493 Even though I'm fat and you want me 705 00:35:01,529 --> 00:35:02,803 to go to the gym, when I go to the gym, 706 00:35:02,827 --> 00:35:03,827 you look at me weird. 707 00:35:03,861 --> 00:35:05,828 That's crazy. 708 00:35:05,863 --> 00:35:09,139 I can't be happy and fat at the same time. 709 00:35:09,174 --> 00:35:11,768 I should wear curtains all the time, 710 00:35:11,803 --> 00:35:12,869 I should cover myself up. 711 00:35:12,904 --> 00:35:16,707 That's kind of the stigma that I feel every day. 712 00:35:16,742 --> 00:35:18,841 I need to pee, I'm desperate, 713 00:35:18,876 --> 00:35:21,646 so I might go into a McDonald's. 714 00:35:21,681 --> 00:35:24,451 But I would rather hold my pee 715 00:35:24,486 --> 00:35:27,256 and cause myself internal pain 716 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,456 than face some kind of ridicule in McDonald's 717 00:35:29,491 --> 00:35:30,657 just 'cause I need to pee. 718 00:35:30,692 --> 00:35:34,197 I'm not here to eat a Big Mac, burgers, chicken wings, 719 00:35:34,232 --> 00:35:35,506 Filet-O-Fish, I don't want any of that. 720 00:35:35,530 --> 00:35:37,244 I just want to pee, but I get really scared 721 00:35:37,268 --> 00:35:40,302 to go inside, and it's so damaging. 722 00:35:45,738 --> 00:35:48,310 Individuals who experience weight stigma 723 00:35:48,345 --> 00:35:51,412 and have higher rates of internalized weight stigma, 724 00:35:51,447 --> 00:35:54,745 they experience more anxiety and depression, 725 00:35:54,780 --> 00:35:57,880 disordered eating, body dissatisfaction. 726 00:35:57,915 --> 00:36:01,323 And it's such a problem that the World Health Organization 727 00:36:01,358 --> 00:36:04,326 has called it a serious health concern. 728 00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:10,596 Shoreditch High Street Station. 729 00:36:13,304 --> 00:36:16,404 I would argue that diet culture wouldn't exist 730 00:36:16,439 --> 00:36:17,537 without fat phobia. 731 00:36:17,572 --> 00:36:20,342 If we weren't fearful of being fat, 732 00:36:20,377 --> 00:36:22,707 the diet industry doesn't have a leg to stand on. 733 00:36:22,742 --> 00:36:24,280 Why would you want to lose weight 734 00:36:24,315 --> 00:36:25,545 if there wasn't a problem 735 00:36:25,580 --> 00:36:27,217 with being fat in the first place? 736 00:36:27,252 --> 00:36:28,911 Or it wouldn't be as profitable 737 00:36:28,946 --> 00:36:31,221 if we didn't subscribe to that idea 738 00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:32,948 that being fat is bad 739 00:36:32,983 --> 00:36:34,851 and if we had that fear around it, 740 00:36:34,886 --> 00:36:37,920 and I think it's important to say that 741 00:36:37,955 --> 00:36:40,989 the diet industry is fueled by that fear, 742 00:36:41,024 --> 00:36:42,628 and yet it doesn't work. 743 00:36:42,663 --> 00:36:45,268 We know diets don't work long-term. 744 00:36:48,702 --> 00:36:50,372 I had a really genuine, 745 00:36:50,407 --> 00:36:51,736 "No, no, no, I don't ever want 746 00:36:51,771 --> 00:36:55,003 to have to experience that ever again," 747 00:36:55,038 --> 00:36:56,642 and it was a fuel, 748 00:36:56,677 --> 00:36:59,645 it was a fuel to want to stay small 749 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:04,287 and keep the privilege that I was suddenly granted. 750 00:37:04,322 --> 00:37:06,487 I could move around in medicine 751 00:37:06,522 --> 00:37:08,984 without being questioned in the same way. 752 00:37:09,019 --> 00:37:17,019 ♪ 753 00:37:17,896 --> 00:37:20,501 What I would say is it took a very long time 754 00:37:20,536 --> 00:37:22,701 for the GP to take it seriously. 755 00:37:22,736 --> 00:37:25,605 It took the best part of nine, 756 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,277 10 months, something like that, 757 00:37:27,312 --> 00:37:29,378 but I remember shouting at the GP 758 00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:31,490 saying, you know, "You've just got to do something." 759 00:37:31,514 --> 00:37:34,042 And she said, "Your daughter needs to come in on her own." 760 00:37:34,077 --> 00:37:35,176 Well, I thought, come on... 761 00:37:35,212 --> 00:37:36,825 - And that's the problem. - Completely illogical. 762 00:37:36,849 --> 00:37:37,960 She can't come in on her own. 763 00:37:37,984 --> 00:37:40,752 That's the problem with the way the system works 764 00:37:40,787 --> 00:37:43,557 is that I may have lost weight, 765 00:37:43,592 --> 00:37:45,988 but I wasn't at a critical BMI 766 00:37:46,023 --> 00:37:50,960 for the GP to take it seriously enough. 767 00:37:50,995 --> 00:37:56,372 We've had BMI become the dominant indicator 768 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:59,067 through which someone's health is assessed. 769 00:37:59,102 --> 00:38:01,674 BMI was originally designed as a tool 770 00:38:01,709 --> 00:38:05,579 to broadly be applied at the population level. 771 00:38:05,614 --> 00:38:08,615 It was never intended that it would be used 772 00:38:08,650 --> 00:38:11,750 to diagnose an individual. 773 00:38:12,918 --> 00:38:15,358 It really did... 774 00:38:15,393 --> 00:38:17,525 So the longer it took to get treatment, 775 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,428 the worse the eating disorder got 776 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:21,826 and the further down the slope I fell, 777 00:38:21,861 --> 00:38:24,059 and I think... I obviously didn't see it at the time. 778 00:38:24,094 --> 00:38:26,699 At the time, I was quite happy to not go to the GP 779 00:38:26,734 --> 00:38:28,965 and didn't want any help. 780 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:37,000 ♪ 781 00:38:37,778 --> 00:38:41,978 ♪ All I want is nothing more ♪ 782 00:38:42,013 --> 00:38:45,113 ♪ 783 00:38:45,148 --> 00:38:49,392 ♪ To see you knocking on my door ♪ 784 00:38:49,427 --> 00:38:57,427 ♪ 785 00:38:58,161 --> 00:39:01,899 But when I came from Berlin, 786 00:39:01,934 --> 00:39:03,868 one of the main differences is 787 00:39:03,903 --> 00:39:06,508 there's fast food everywhere, 788 00:39:06,543 --> 00:39:09,643 much more emphasized than it is in Berlin, 789 00:39:09,678 --> 00:39:12,140 lots of little places, pizza places. 790 00:39:12,175 --> 00:39:14,450 That's one thing we don't have in Germany, 791 00:39:14,485 --> 00:39:18,113 or not a lot, is the traditional pizza, 792 00:39:18,148 --> 00:39:22,425 the thick one that gets you addicted really quickly. 793 00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:25,461 And also, there's a couple of restaurants 794 00:39:25,496 --> 00:39:29,531 that are basically takeout only, which is interesting. 795 00:39:29,566 --> 00:39:30,994 So what I think it is 796 00:39:31,029 --> 00:39:33,634 is that people enjoy having the food 797 00:39:33,669 --> 00:39:35,163 in the comfort of their own home, 798 00:39:35,198 --> 00:39:38,936 but they don't want to cook. 799 00:39:38,971 --> 00:39:42,478 But it is certainly something that struck me as odd. 800 00:39:47,683 --> 00:39:50,453 Here in the UK, I work in the night shift, 801 00:39:50,488 --> 00:39:53,423 so I come home around 6:30 in the morning 802 00:39:53,458 --> 00:39:55,656 and I will have had lunch at midnight, 803 00:39:55,691 --> 00:39:57,493 so usually I'm very hungry, 804 00:39:57,528 --> 00:39:59,088 but I'm also very tired. 805 00:39:59,123 --> 00:40:00,925 So when I have a big meal, 806 00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,861 which other people consider breakfast 807 00:40:02,896 --> 00:40:05,061 for me is dinner, 808 00:40:05,096 --> 00:40:08,801 that will then be right before I go to bed. 809 00:40:08,836 --> 00:40:13,069 From what I've read and what we think, 810 00:40:13,104 --> 00:40:14,906 that then goes straight onto your hips 811 00:40:14,941 --> 00:40:17,645 and is very, very unhealthy. 812 00:40:25,182 --> 00:40:26,081 I have people being like, 813 00:40:26,117 --> 00:40:28,183 "Oh, you need to stop eating junk food," 814 00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:31,120 and it was like a couple of remarks 815 00:40:31,155 --> 00:40:33,056 on videos I've made prior. 816 00:40:38,129 --> 00:40:40,635 Like, you're not paying for me. 817 00:40:40,670 --> 00:40:42,802 Like, if you're taking me out and you're paying 818 00:40:42,837 --> 00:40:44,133 and I'm ordering a bit too much 819 00:40:44,168 --> 00:40:45,244 and the bill's getting a bit much, 820 00:40:45,268 --> 00:40:46,367 yeah, say something, 821 00:40:46,403 --> 00:40:51,844 but if it's my hard-earned cash that I'm spending, 822 00:40:51,879 --> 00:40:53,153 it's got nothing to do with you. 823 00:40:53,177 --> 00:40:56,882 I mean, it's got nothing to do with you anyway. 824 00:40:56,917 --> 00:41:00,083 When I see an overweight person 825 00:41:00,118 --> 00:41:02,151 eating cake or a burger 826 00:41:02,186 --> 00:41:04,725 or something considered unhealthy, 827 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:07,794 immediately the judgmental part kicks in. 828 00:41:07,829 --> 00:41:09,664 You say, "Oh, they shouldn't be eating this." 829 00:41:09,699 --> 00:41:11,633 Or, you know, "Oh, where this is going, 830 00:41:11,668 --> 00:41:13,899 it's going to be in good company." 831 00:41:13,934 --> 00:41:15,802 But then you also think, 832 00:41:15,837 --> 00:41:17,672 "Is this one burger, is this one cake 833 00:41:17,707 --> 00:41:18,937 going to make a difference?" 834 00:41:18,972 --> 00:41:21,038 Where they are now, where they're going, 835 00:41:21,073 --> 00:41:24,107 had they maybe had a diet behind them, 836 00:41:24,142 --> 00:41:26,142 now they're rewarding themself with this. 837 00:41:26,177 --> 00:41:33,919 ♪ 838 00:41:33,954 --> 00:41:35,855 I remember being in a coffee shop once, 839 00:41:35,890 --> 00:41:38,154 and it was the first time I knew 840 00:41:38,189 --> 00:41:41,058 that I was receiving thin privilege. 841 00:41:41,093 --> 00:41:44,127 And I was nowhere near as small as I am now, 842 00:41:44,162 --> 00:41:48,538 but I was just heading into that really restrictive phase, 843 00:41:48,573 --> 00:41:50,738 and the man behind the till 844 00:41:50,773 --> 00:41:52,971 said, "Do you want any cakes with your coffee?" 845 00:41:53,006 --> 00:41:55,776 And I was like, "Oh, no, I don't think we do, thank you." 846 00:41:55,811 --> 00:41:57,646 And he just said, "You'd be amazed 847 00:41:57,681 --> 00:42:00,946 how many people have these really sugary drinks 848 00:42:00,981 --> 00:42:03,586 and then massive slices of cake," 849 00:42:03,621 --> 00:42:06,655 and I was like, "Oh, um, yeah, 850 00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:08,723 I mean, I guess if they want cake..." 851 00:42:08,758 --> 00:42:10,626 "Oh, yeah, but you should see these people. 852 00:42:10,661 --> 00:42:12,232 I mean, I'm not talking about people like you, 853 00:42:12,256 --> 00:42:14,795 you obviously look after yourself, 854 00:42:14,830 --> 00:42:16,291 but you should see these..." 855 00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:18,326 And I just thought, "Oh, my goodness, 856 00:42:18,361 --> 00:42:21,736 probably less than six months previous, 857 00:42:21,771 --> 00:42:25,707 he would've had me down as one of those people." 858 00:42:25,742 --> 00:42:28,270 Regardless of whether I'd eaten the cake or not, 859 00:42:28,305 --> 00:42:31,581 he would've been making those judgments about me. 860 00:42:34,113 --> 00:42:37,015 Thin privilege is something I've enjoyed for a long time. 861 00:42:37,050 --> 00:42:40,150 Being tall and slim gives me immediate authority, 862 00:42:40,185 --> 00:42:43,725 because people have to physically look up to me, 863 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,861 which lessens the effect that I need to explain myself. 864 00:42:47,896 --> 00:42:49,896 People don't question what I do. 865 00:42:49,931 --> 00:42:54,329 People trust me, for some reason. 866 00:42:54,364 --> 00:42:57,134 And people immediately assume authority 867 00:42:57,169 --> 00:42:58,068 coming from me, 868 00:42:58,104 --> 00:42:59,972 because I literally speak down to them. 869 00:43:00,007 --> 00:43:02,337 Not because of the way I speak, 870 00:43:02,372 --> 00:43:04,944 just because they're a head smaller than me. 871 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:10,114 The thing that I find really frustrating now 872 00:43:10,149 --> 00:43:12,248 is that people say to me all the time, 873 00:43:12,283 --> 00:43:14,019 "You look really well." 874 00:43:14,054 --> 00:43:16,351 When I've got my clothes on, I look like a nondisabled, 875 00:43:16,386 --> 00:43:18,991 cisgendered white woman who is thin, 876 00:43:19,026 --> 00:43:20,993 and I receive a lot of privilege, 877 00:43:21,028 --> 00:43:22,896 but actually my body is very different 878 00:43:22,931 --> 00:43:24,733 to a lot of people's, and I'm like, 879 00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:27,296 you should physically have to live in my body, 880 00:43:27,331 --> 00:43:31,036 because I feel ill all the time, 881 00:43:31,071 --> 00:43:33,104 and my blood results are terrible, 882 00:43:33,139 --> 00:43:34,809 and I'm horribly anemic, 883 00:43:34,844 --> 00:43:37,779 and there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. 884 00:43:37,814 --> 00:43:41,277 And you think I look well because I've put some makeup on 885 00:43:41,312 --> 00:43:43,147 and because I'm thin? 886 00:43:48,957 --> 00:43:50,121 It's become something 887 00:43:50,156 --> 00:43:52,189 that has become a bit of an identity. 888 00:43:52,224 --> 00:43:54,961 And so our weight has become our identity, 889 00:43:54,996 --> 00:43:56,897 and so we're less good of a person 890 00:43:56,932 --> 00:43:58,360 if we're not thin. 891 00:43:58,395 --> 00:44:00,835 We deserve less, we have less self-esteem. 892 00:44:00,870 --> 00:44:02,397 All these things are well-documented 893 00:44:02,432 --> 00:44:05,268 as to the thought processes that occur 894 00:44:05,303 --> 00:44:08,238 because of this thin ideal. 895 00:44:10,781 --> 00:44:13,914 The next train to arrive at Platform 2 896 00:44:13,949 --> 00:44:18,688 in two minutes will be service to all stations... 897 00:44:18,723 --> 00:44:22,890 And again, I'm like, I'm so scared to go into KFC, 898 00:44:22,925 --> 00:44:24,727 because in my head, they must be thinking, 899 00:44:24,762 --> 00:44:27,158 "Oh, fatty's here again. 900 00:44:27,193 --> 00:44:29,226 All the chicken wings are gone, lads." 901 00:44:29,261 --> 00:44:31,360 That's what I feel. 902 00:44:31,395 --> 00:44:34,099 I am now believing that my body is ugly 903 00:44:34,134 --> 00:44:35,837 and abusing it with food, 904 00:44:35,872 --> 00:44:40,204 so that's where health should be spoken about. 905 00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:41,105 Not, "Oh, you're fat, 906 00:44:41,140 --> 00:44:43,372 you're gonna die of a heart attack." 907 00:44:43,407 --> 00:44:48,080 How did we get here? 908 00:44:48,115 --> 00:44:49,851 I think a lot of people think that 909 00:44:49,886 --> 00:44:51,820 anti-fat bias just has to do with thinking 910 00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,965 that fat people aren't pretty or something like that. 911 00:44:53,989 --> 00:44:54,821 And sure, I mean, 912 00:44:54,857 --> 00:44:56,891 the attractiveness standard is real, 913 00:44:56,926 --> 00:45:01,126 but anti-fat bias extends to so many sectors of life: 914 00:45:01,161 --> 00:45:03,865 education, college admissions, 915 00:45:03,900 --> 00:45:06,461 the amount of scholarship funds that students are given. 916 00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:09,871 In the justice system, there's research that shows 917 00:45:09,906 --> 00:45:12,434 that jurors are far more likely to convict somebody 918 00:45:12,469 --> 00:45:15,910 who is of a larger body than a thin person, 919 00:45:15,945 --> 00:45:18,407 and they're also subject to harsher sentences 920 00:45:18,442 --> 00:45:20,211 and longer prison times, 921 00:45:20,246 --> 00:45:23,214 which is really wild when you think about it. 922 00:45:23,249 --> 00:45:24,853 It's much more than just, 923 00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:26,789 "I don't like the way that person looks." 924 00:45:26,824 --> 00:45:29,759 It really affects all areas of life. 925 00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:53,145 Growing up, I... 926 00:45:53,180 --> 00:45:55,378 It was always made very clear to me 927 00:45:55,413 --> 00:45:57,787 that I stood out, 928 00:45:57,822 --> 00:46:01,153 and my weight could potentially be a problem 929 00:46:01,188 --> 00:46:03,155 getting a boyfriend. 930 00:46:03,190 --> 00:46:06,323 My mom made it very clear that being overweight, 931 00:46:06,358 --> 00:46:09,194 I was never gonna get a boyfriend. 932 00:46:09,229 --> 00:46:11,361 I've been crushing on guys for a long time, 933 00:46:11,396 --> 00:46:13,132 and I never experienced, like, 934 00:46:13,167 --> 00:46:16,399 my boyfriends that I had in Dominican. 935 00:46:16,434 --> 00:46:17,807 Weight what? 936 00:46:17,842 --> 00:46:19,534 Weight wasn't an issue. 937 00:46:22,110 --> 00:46:27,982 ♪ 938 00:46:28,017 --> 00:46:31,953 But here... oh, my God, 939 00:46:31,988 --> 00:46:33,482 they do come into the relationship 940 00:46:33,517 --> 00:46:36,089 like, "Yeah, I love all of you," 941 00:46:36,124 --> 00:46:39,092 and I'm like, "Yeah, and that's how it should be," 942 00:46:39,127 --> 00:46:41,930 but some people genuinely they can't help it, 943 00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:43,426 that's just their personality. 944 00:46:43,461 --> 00:46:45,065 They've been conditioned by society, 945 00:46:45,100 --> 00:46:47,969 and they do have subaggressions, 946 00:46:48,004 --> 00:46:51,467 you know, towards fat bodies and have fat phobia 947 00:46:51,502 --> 00:46:54,602 without actually saying that they have fat phobia. 948 00:46:54,637 --> 00:46:58,177 And if you get into a little argument, 949 00:46:58,212 --> 00:47:01,576 guess what, if the argument probably is about your car, 950 00:47:01,611 --> 00:47:04,315 guess what, it might come into your weight. 951 00:47:04,350 --> 00:47:06,020 Why? Tell me why. 952 00:47:06,055 --> 00:47:07,055 Tell me why. 953 00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:15,491 I think dating in 2019, 954 00:47:15,526 --> 00:47:17,097 it's shit for everyone. 955 00:47:17,132 --> 00:47:19,033 Like, I'm not even gonna put it on my weight, 956 00:47:19,068 --> 00:47:20,870 'cause the thing is, it's not that I don't 957 00:47:20,905 --> 00:47:23,631 get a lot of attention, I do... 958 00:47:23,666 --> 00:47:25,204 I mean, I live in London 959 00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,305 where nobody speaks to one another, 960 00:47:27,340 --> 00:47:29,406 so it's all on the internet. 961 00:47:29,441 --> 00:47:33,080 And the thing is, you do get guys who are there, 962 00:47:33,115 --> 00:47:36,182 and they wouldn't want to take you out, 963 00:47:36,217 --> 00:47:39,383 but they wanna come over for Netflix and chill, 964 00:47:39,418 --> 00:47:42,485 and always come to mine, and just like, 965 00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:44,553 I watch too many true crime documentaries 966 00:47:44,588 --> 00:47:47,391 to know that this is not gonna happen. 967 00:47:54,939 --> 00:47:57,566 We fetishize this whole snap-back thing 968 00:47:57,601 --> 00:47:59,337 after having a kid, 969 00:47:59,372 --> 00:48:02,571 but most women don't, and it really, really bugs me. 970 00:48:02,606 --> 00:48:05,607 Again, it's another thing that I've sort of attached 971 00:48:05,642 --> 00:48:07,048 to having a child. 972 00:48:07,083 --> 00:48:08,214 I'm scared to have a child, 973 00:48:08,249 --> 00:48:11,052 because I'm scared that... 974 00:48:11,087 --> 00:48:12,559 There's not... I don't know exactly what 975 00:48:12,583 --> 00:48:14,616 I'm gonna snap back to! 976 00:48:14,651 --> 00:48:17,025 Nothing snaps that much anyway, 977 00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:20,292 so how, if I have a child... 978 00:48:20,327 --> 00:48:22,063 Will I still be pretty? 979 00:48:22,098 --> 00:48:25,330 Will I be ugly? I don't know! 980 00:48:29,666 --> 00:48:32,238 I think every time I look in the mirror, 981 00:48:32,273 --> 00:48:33,679 I'm glad someone else puts more effort 982 00:48:33,703 --> 00:48:35,373 into looking good than I do. 983 00:48:35,408 --> 00:48:36,485 Coming from the male perspective, 984 00:48:36,509 --> 00:48:40,213 we consider women to be the more beautiful gender. 985 00:48:40,248 --> 00:48:42,215 So we appreciate that. 986 00:48:42,250 --> 00:48:45,053 But I would never force a woman 987 00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:48,320 to dress a certain way, to eat a certain way 988 00:48:48,355 --> 00:48:51,455 to make her look different. 989 00:48:51,490 --> 00:48:55,360 It is something that is ingrained into our culture 990 00:48:55,395 --> 00:48:58,396 is that women need to look good. 991 00:48:58,431 --> 00:49:02,136 They need to wear makeup, they need to do their hair. 992 00:49:04,569 --> 00:49:06,041 Do they need to do that? 993 00:49:06,076 --> 00:49:08,208 No, they do not need to do that. 994 00:49:08,243 --> 00:49:11,310 But it is much appreciated. 995 00:49:11,345 --> 00:49:12,652 The woman out there that's been rated 996 00:49:12,676 --> 00:49:14,412 the ugliest person in the world, 997 00:49:14,447 --> 00:49:18,416 who the fuck told the people doing the judging and assessing 998 00:49:18,451 --> 00:49:20,451 that they were beautiful in the first place? 999 00:49:20,486 --> 00:49:22,453 Media! 1000 00:49:22,488 --> 00:49:25,489 That's why we... We need to defriend 1001 00:49:25,524 --> 00:49:29,592 some of these Caucasian British men. 1002 00:49:29,627 --> 00:49:31,462 British, to be exact, 1003 00:49:31,497 --> 00:49:35,103 because they started all the problems. 1004 00:49:40,473 --> 00:49:42,605 Diet culture does disproportionately affect women 1005 00:49:42,640 --> 00:49:45,377 more than men, and there is an element 1006 00:49:45,412 --> 00:49:49,183 to diet culture coming from a patriarchal society 1007 00:49:49,218 --> 00:49:52,219 where women are told what they should look like. 1008 00:49:52,254 --> 00:49:54,782 And a lot of the time, that has been from men. 1009 00:49:54,817 --> 00:49:56,619 And so I think it's very appropriate 1010 00:49:56,654 --> 00:49:59,787 that feminism in general touches on diet culture 1011 00:49:59,822 --> 00:50:02,229 and definitely has a role to play in combating it. 1012 00:50:02,264 --> 00:50:04,462 ♪ 1013 00:50:04,497 --> 00:50:07,498 Evidence shows that we can go back 30 years 1014 00:50:07,533 --> 00:50:10,699 and women experiencing body image concern 1015 00:50:10,734 --> 00:50:12,239 is quite common, 1016 00:50:12,274 --> 00:50:13,548 so much so that in the research, 1017 00:50:13,572 --> 00:50:15,110 we talk about it as normative 1018 00:50:15,145 --> 00:50:17,673 and we say "normative discontent," 1019 00:50:17,708 --> 00:50:21,545 but I think just because something is normal or common, 1020 00:50:21,580 --> 00:50:22,746 it doesn't mean it's okay. 1021 00:50:22,781 --> 00:50:26,088 It doesn't mean it's benign and without consequence. 1022 00:50:26,123 --> 00:50:29,223 And we live in a society where beauty standards 1023 00:50:29,258 --> 00:50:30,818 are so narrow, and for most people, 1024 00:50:30,853 --> 00:50:32,622 completely unattainable. 1025 00:50:32,657 --> 00:50:35,757 ♪ 1026 00:50:35,792 --> 00:50:38,133 Isn't it interesting, though, how it's always women 1027 00:50:38,168 --> 00:50:40,399 talking about feeling bloated and not men? 1028 00:50:40,434 --> 00:50:42,467 My top tips to reduce bloating... 1029 00:50:42,502 --> 00:50:46,603 To help reduce bloating and reduce your belly bloating, 1030 00:50:46,638 --> 00:50:49,144 it almost immediately causes bloating... 1031 00:50:49,179 --> 00:50:51,311 Seven tips on how to debloat. 1032 00:50:51,346 --> 00:50:53,214 Bloat's still there! 1033 00:50:53,249 --> 00:50:55,843 - It's poking out. - Adding our flat tummy teas... 1034 00:50:55,878 --> 00:50:57,581 Hasta la vista, bloating! 1035 00:50:57,616 --> 00:50:58,747 Good luck. 1036 00:50:58,782 --> 00:51:00,815 Men have a different way of seeing it. 1037 00:51:00,850 --> 00:51:03,455 If men are bloated, they make fun of it. 1038 00:51:03,490 --> 00:51:05,787 It becomes a party game for them. 1039 00:51:05,822 --> 00:51:08,526 Whereas, when women are bloated, they feel embarrassed. 1040 00:51:08,561 --> 00:51:10,462 But, since I cannot think like a woman, 1041 00:51:10,497 --> 00:51:12,761 that's a very difficult question to answer. 1042 00:51:12,796 --> 00:51:15,203 Everything that is marketed towards women 1043 00:51:15,238 --> 00:51:16,435 which is anti-bloating, 1044 00:51:16,470 --> 00:51:17,733 it's really just telling women 1045 00:51:17,768 --> 00:51:19,174 that they should be eating less, 1046 00:51:19,209 --> 00:51:20,252 that they need to be hungry, 1047 00:51:20,276 --> 00:51:22,342 that they need to be starving 1048 00:51:22,377 --> 00:51:25,114 in order to embody this aesthetic ideal. 1049 00:51:25,149 --> 00:51:26,313 ♪ 1050 00:51:26,348 --> 00:51:28,282 From a marketing perspective, 1051 00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:30,779 of course they go with what works, 1052 00:51:30,814 --> 00:51:34,123 what has worked in the past, what is still working. 1053 00:51:34,158 --> 00:51:35,421 So if you have that market 1054 00:51:35,456 --> 00:51:37,654 and you tap that market and it works, 1055 00:51:37,689 --> 00:51:39,293 why should you stop? 1056 00:51:39,328 --> 00:51:44,628 ♪ 1057 00:51:44,663 --> 00:51:48,500 Where does this idea come from that it's a male conspiracy, 1058 00:51:48,535 --> 00:51:53,208 that it's a male idea to keep women in their place, 1059 00:51:53,243 --> 00:51:55,573 have them take up less space? 1060 00:51:55,608 --> 00:51:58,510 ♪ 1061 00:51:58,545 --> 00:51:59,808 Like, really genuinely, 1062 00:51:59,843 --> 00:52:02,415 I think it started with capitalism. 1063 00:52:02,450 --> 00:52:03,746 I think people recognized 1064 00:52:03,781 --> 00:52:05,649 that there was a way to make money 1065 00:52:05,684 --> 00:52:07,354 out of people who didn't feel great 1066 00:52:07,389 --> 00:52:08,817 about themselves. 1067 00:52:08,852 --> 00:52:11,655 It started with middle class white men 1068 00:52:11,690 --> 00:52:14,625 who recognized that there was a market 1069 00:52:14,660 --> 00:52:18,365 and a profoundly successful one, 1070 00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:21,797 the diet industry makes billions every year 1071 00:52:21,832 --> 00:52:25,603 on women feeling insignificant 1072 00:52:25,638 --> 00:52:27,242 and like they need to do something 1073 00:52:27,277 --> 00:52:29,574 in order to make themselves better. 1074 00:52:29,609 --> 00:52:32,676 ♪ 1075 00:52:32,711 --> 00:52:37,450 It's easy to blame some unknown entity 1076 00:52:37,485 --> 00:52:40,387 and put the face of a white man on it. 1077 00:52:40,422 --> 00:52:42,653 Everyone loves targeting us. 1078 00:52:42,688 --> 00:52:46,657 But there is no actual proof of that. 1079 00:52:46,692 --> 00:52:50,694 There is no board of white men sitting on top of the world 1080 00:52:50,729 --> 00:52:53,433 saying, "Oh, we need to have these things." 1081 00:52:53,468 --> 00:52:56,436 I'm certainly not a part of it, and I'm not aware of it, 1082 00:52:56,471 --> 00:52:58,834 so I don't know if that is true. 1083 00:52:58,869 --> 00:53:01,573 The issue is that it runs deeper than that, 1084 00:53:01,608 --> 00:53:03,740 and it's not just something about specific words, 1085 00:53:03,775 --> 00:53:05,478 it's actions as well. 1086 00:53:05,513 --> 00:53:08,943 And so, when you have a society that values women's looks 1087 00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:10,681 based on a certain ideal, 1088 00:53:10,716 --> 00:53:13,750 men then start valuing those looks as well, 1089 00:53:13,785 --> 00:53:18,425 and so women who look that way get more attention from men. 1090 00:53:18,460 --> 00:53:21,791 I'm not here to say that it's current men's fault 1091 00:53:21,826 --> 00:53:24,464 that that's going on, but I think that as men, 1092 00:53:24,499 --> 00:53:27,632 we need to recognize where it's come from. 1093 00:53:27,667 --> 00:53:32,274 And I don't think that we have to disregard it 1094 00:53:32,309 --> 00:53:33,704 to kind of protect ourselves, 1095 00:53:33,739 --> 00:53:36,839 and I do see a lot of men, unfortunately, using the phrase, 1096 00:53:36,874 --> 00:53:37,973 "Well, it's not me, 1097 00:53:38,009 --> 00:53:40,513 so therefore why do I need to be worried about that?" 1098 00:53:40,548 --> 00:53:42,845 Or, "It's not all men," and that's... 1099 00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:44,451 I don't think that's helpful. 1100 00:53:49,425 --> 00:53:51,260 I remember that situation 1101 00:53:51,295 --> 00:53:53,526 where, in that particular relationship, 1102 00:53:53,561 --> 00:53:55,660 they were now concerned about my health 1103 00:53:55,695 --> 00:53:57,596 after we were dating for a while, 1104 00:53:57,631 --> 00:54:01,369 because they did something that I didn't like. 1105 00:54:01,404 --> 00:54:05,274 And one time we were driving from seeing their stepfather, 1106 00:54:05,309 --> 00:54:06,968 parked outside my house, 1107 00:54:07,003 --> 00:54:10,279 and they commented on the meal that I had 1108 00:54:10,314 --> 00:54:13,282 throughout the days like they were supervising me. 1109 00:54:13,317 --> 00:54:15,042 They were my weight watchers. 1110 00:54:18,883 --> 00:54:21,917 And they said, "Oh, this you had, 1111 00:54:21,952 --> 00:54:24,425 the plantain da-da-da that you had. 1112 00:54:24,460 --> 00:54:25,526 It was quite sweet, 1113 00:54:25,561 --> 00:54:28,462 and I think you should really think about what you eat 1114 00:54:28,497 --> 00:54:30,607 because you know, I'm just concerned about your health." 1115 00:54:30,631 --> 00:54:32,796 I'm like, "You're concerned about my health? 1116 00:54:32,831 --> 00:54:33,896 Get lost." 1117 00:54:33,931 --> 00:54:36,503 And then I realized that, obviously, 1118 00:54:36,538 --> 00:54:39,704 someone who's always concerned about my health 1119 00:54:39,739 --> 00:54:42,443 is not really concerned about my health. 1120 00:54:42,478 --> 00:54:48,350 ♪ 1121 00:54:48,385 --> 00:54:50,880 If you had to ask the general public, 1122 00:54:50,915 --> 00:54:55,489 um, "obesity" or "anorexia," 1123 00:54:55,524 --> 00:54:58,492 guarantee that most of them would choose anorexia, 1124 00:54:58,527 --> 00:55:01,330 majority, which is sad. 1125 00:55:01,365 --> 00:55:04,025 It's very heartbreaking because that is how... 1126 00:55:04,060 --> 00:55:06,533 That's how heavy, ha, excuse the pun, 1127 00:55:06,568 --> 00:55:09,668 um, the stigma is. 1128 00:55:09,703 --> 00:55:12,066 That is how heavy... 1129 00:55:12,101 --> 00:55:14,409 I make myself laugh. 1130 00:55:14,444 --> 00:55:16,477 That's how... that's how intense the stigma is, 1131 00:55:16,512 --> 00:55:19,876 and that is a shame because it should be 50/50, 1132 00:55:19,911 --> 00:55:22,747 because to some degree both are unhealthy, 1133 00:55:22,782 --> 00:55:24,452 both have health risks. 1134 00:55:28,392 --> 00:55:32,724 I think diet culture is so present in our society, 1135 00:55:32,759 --> 00:55:34,495 though, that it's hard to realize, 1136 00:55:34,530 --> 00:55:37,564 like, the fact that we have calorie labels 1137 00:55:37,599 --> 00:55:39,467 on every single snack bar. 1138 00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:42,503 That in a way is... it's kind of hindering to diet culture 1139 00:55:42,538 --> 00:55:44,142 because it's telling you you can have this snack 1140 00:55:44,166 --> 00:55:45,671 because it's a low-calorie snack, 1141 00:55:45,706 --> 00:55:49,444 or the fact that shops are selling clothes size 1142 00:55:49,479 --> 00:55:51,006 that are all really quite small 1143 00:55:51,041 --> 00:55:52,843 and don't really cater for larger bodies. 1144 00:55:52,878 --> 00:55:56,715 That, again, I feel, is kind of part of diet culture. 1145 00:55:56,750 --> 00:55:57,925 It's something that, as a society, 1146 00:55:57,949 --> 00:55:59,025 we really need to think about 1147 00:55:59,049 --> 00:56:00,215 because if we're not careful, 1148 00:56:00,250 --> 00:56:04,393 we are just going to end up promoting disordered eating 1149 00:56:04,428 --> 00:56:06,054 or body dissatisfaction 1150 00:56:06,089 --> 00:56:08,562 because people are gonna feel more and more unhappy 1151 00:56:08,597 --> 00:56:11,961 if society is making them feel that way. 1152 00:56:11,996 --> 00:56:19,996 ♪ 1153 00:56:26,846 --> 00:56:29,176 As soon as I saw the mannequin, 1154 00:56:29,211 --> 00:56:32,179 I just thought it was like a breakthrough. 1155 00:56:32,214 --> 00:56:35,523 Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking 1156 00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:38,955 if a brand like Nike, with the reputation 1157 00:56:38,990 --> 00:56:41,760 and the name they have globally, 1158 00:56:41,795 --> 00:56:45,698 if they invested and put in a bigger model 1159 00:56:45,733 --> 00:56:49,504 that actually looks like a fat body, 1160 00:56:49,539 --> 00:56:51,968 to sort of be proud and say, 1161 00:56:52,003 --> 00:56:55,103 "We do plus-size athletic wear." 1162 00:56:55,138 --> 00:56:58,513 But a small part of me was like, "Right, 1163 00:56:58,548 --> 00:57:00,174 let's just wait, let's just wait 1164 00:57:00,209 --> 00:57:03,914 because someone is gonna have something to say about this." 1165 00:57:03,949 --> 00:57:06,213 - Nike slammed for... - Obese mannequins... 1166 00:57:06,248 --> 00:57:08,182 - are selling women... - a dangerous lie. 1167 00:57:08,217 --> 00:57:10,987 - Weighty issue. - Nike snapped. 1168 00:57:11,022 --> 00:57:13,924 - Normalizing obesity... - with plus-size mannequins... 1169 00:57:13,959 --> 00:57:15,090 in their London store. 1170 00:57:15,125 --> 00:57:16,795 The new mannequin is obese. 1171 00:57:16,830 --> 00:57:18,731 And she is not readying herself... 1172 00:57:18,766 --> 00:57:20,733 for a run in her shiny Nike gear. 1173 00:57:20,768 --> 00:57:22,801 She cannot run, she is more likely... 1174 00:57:22,836 --> 00:57:25,199 prediabetic and on her way to a hip replacement. 1175 00:57:25,234 --> 00:57:27,003 What terrible cynicism is this... 1176 00:57:27,038 --> 00:57:29,577 on the part of Nike. 1177 00:57:29,612 --> 00:57:33,240 Everyone's just like, "Well, I work hard to stay thin, 1178 00:57:33,275 --> 00:57:37,244 and I go to the gym, and I have self-control," 1179 00:57:37,279 --> 00:57:40,148 and it's just like, 1180 00:57:40,183 --> 00:57:43,217 one, what makes you think I don't have self-control, 1181 00:57:43,252 --> 00:57:46,891 and I don't go to the gym, and I don't work out? 1182 00:57:46,926 --> 00:57:49,597 You think that I sit on my ass and I eat what I want, 1183 00:57:49,632 --> 00:57:50,664 I don't go to the gym, 1184 00:57:50,699 --> 00:57:52,259 and I don't work as hard as you 1185 00:57:52,294 --> 00:57:55,867 because my body apparently told you that. 1186 00:58:00,203 --> 00:58:03,908 ♪ 1187 00:58:03,943 --> 00:58:06,240 The most common theme in the fitness industry, 1188 00:58:06,275 --> 00:58:10,178 in general, is weight loss. 1189 00:58:10,213 --> 00:58:12,752 We're obsessed by it, it's literally the only thing 1190 00:58:12,787 --> 00:58:14,116 that people work on. 1191 00:58:14,151 --> 00:58:17,526 So many guys who hypermasculize themselves 1192 00:58:17,561 --> 00:58:20,694 and all these girls hypersexualize themselves. 1193 00:58:20,729 --> 00:58:23,796 Everything is about how we look seemingly 1194 00:58:23,831 --> 00:58:24,697 in today's day and age. 1195 00:58:24,732 --> 00:58:28,295 We've lose the art of how we feel. 1196 00:58:28,330 --> 00:58:30,836 That seems so far removed in today's day and age, 1197 00:58:30,871 --> 00:58:32,673 which is a really sad thing. 1198 00:58:32,708 --> 00:58:35,170 ♪ 1199 00:58:35,205 --> 00:58:38,679 I go to the gym and I exercise and I enjoy it, 1200 00:58:38,714 --> 00:58:42,045 you know, and I still have a fat body. 1201 00:58:42,080 --> 00:58:48,282 And until we achieve this goal of thinness, 1202 00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:50,317 we're not gonna be treated with respect, 1203 00:58:50,352 --> 00:58:51,923 and we're not gonna be treated human, 1204 00:58:51,958 --> 00:58:53,892 and we're not gonna be treated nicely, 1205 00:58:53,927 --> 00:58:55,223 and we're gonna be shamed, 1206 00:58:55,258 --> 00:58:56,807 and we're gonna be told we're gonna die 1207 00:58:56,831 --> 00:58:58,160 unless we lose weight. 1208 00:58:58,195 --> 00:59:00,866 But you can't put a fat mannequin. 1209 00:59:00,901 --> 00:59:05,706 You can't simply show a fat body and promote that 1210 00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:09,039 because then you're promoting staying fat, and it... 1211 00:59:09,074 --> 00:59:13,813 It is literally the wildest conversation 1212 00:59:13,848 --> 00:59:17,652 I've ever, ever had and read up on, 1213 00:59:17,687 --> 00:59:21,249 'cause it was just the most hypocritical thing. 1214 00:59:21,284 --> 00:59:24,659 ♪ 1215 00:59:24,694 --> 00:59:25,935 We need to start asking ourselves 1216 00:59:25,959 --> 00:59:27,103 some really important questions. 1217 00:59:27,127 --> 00:59:30,962 And, so, how do we view people who are larger in size? 1218 00:59:30,997 --> 00:59:33,030 What are our beliefs around their lifestyle? 1219 00:59:33,065 --> 00:59:35,164 For example, what are our beliefs 1220 00:59:35,199 --> 00:59:39,366 about how they are as people and their character? 1221 00:59:39,401 --> 00:59:41,742 I think, at the moment, it's still 1222 00:59:41,777 --> 00:59:43,304 a topic of contention for people 1223 00:59:43,339 --> 00:59:45,273 that they're unwilling to talk about 1224 00:59:45,308 --> 00:59:46,945 because they're afraid 1225 00:59:46,980 --> 00:59:48,353 that when they start talking about it, 1226 00:59:48,377 --> 00:59:49,959 it's gonna challenge some of the ideals 1227 00:59:49,983 --> 00:59:51,246 and the beliefs that they have. 1228 00:59:51,281 --> 00:59:52,951 And we don't like our ideals 1229 00:59:52,986 --> 00:59:54,293 and our beliefs being challenged. 1230 00:59:54,317 --> 00:59:56,185 It's not something we like. 1231 00:59:56,220 --> 00:59:57,824 It's hard. 1232 00:59:57,859 --> 00:59:59,694 It goes back to that willingness to be wrong. 1233 00:59:59,729 --> 01:00:01,663 We don't like being wrong. 1234 01:00:01,698 --> 01:00:03,962 And that's okay, that's kind of normal psychology. 1235 01:00:03,997 --> 01:00:06,767 We like to be right about stuff. 1236 01:00:06,802 --> 01:00:14,802 ♪ 1237 01:00:16,438 --> 01:00:18,680 Please, can I get the cupcake with the strawberry, 1238 01:00:18,715 --> 01:00:21,342 - the strawberry one? - Yes. 1239 01:00:21,377 --> 01:00:24,950 I'm able to analyze my relationship with food 1240 01:00:24,985 --> 01:00:26,853 and say, "Oh, okay, well, it's okay 1241 01:00:26,888 --> 01:00:29,691 if you want to eat this, but why are you eating? 1242 01:00:29,726 --> 01:00:30,967 Why are you being so excessive?" 1243 01:00:30,991 --> 01:00:32,694 I caught myself. 1244 01:00:32,729 --> 01:00:34,674 I think I'd been stressing about something on the train. 1245 01:00:34,698 --> 01:00:37,391 I called my friend to speak to her about the stress, 1246 01:00:37,426 --> 01:00:38,733 and I went to Tesco 1247 01:00:38,768 --> 01:00:40,427 and all I wanted to buy was snacks. 1248 01:00:40,462 --> 01:00:44,200 So I said, "Oh, okay, so this is where we just sort of... 1249 01:00:44,235 --> 01:00:46,741 Hmm, what's really happening here? 1250 01:00:46,776 --> 01:00:50,008 Why do you associate food with comfort?" 1251 01:00:50,043 --> 01:00:52,010 And that's simply just because of all the neglect 1252 01:00:52,045 --> 01:00:53,748 I experienced in my childhood. 1253 01:00:53,783 --> 01:00:55,783 So, therefore, Mr. NHS, 1254 01:00:55,818 --> 01:00:58,049 you don't need to talk to fat people about being fat. 1255 01:00:58,084 --> 01:00:59,380 You need to talk to people 1256 01:00:59,415 --> 01:01:01,250 about their childhood and their trauma. 1257 01:01:01,285 --> 01:01:05,254 That is the health that you should focus on. 1258 01:01:13,495 --> 01:01:14,736 ♪ 1259 01:01:14,771 --> 01:01:16,705 I feel pressure to go to the gym 1260 01:01:16,740 --> 01:01:19,807 just to bulk up, to eat cleaner, 1261 01:01:19,842 --> 01:01:25,175 to shun those evil carbs and get more protein in. 1262 01:01:25,210 --> 01:01:28,079 It's something... it's being repeated so often, 1263 01:01:28,114 --> 01:01:30,180 it becomes part of your way of thinking, 1264 01:01:30,215 --> 01:01:31,895 and you really need to invest some energy 1265 01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:34,184 to get out of this. 1266 01:01:38,388 --> 01:01:39,761 Someone will come to me and say, 1267 01:01:39,796 --> 01:01:41,356 "Oh, I want to look like this," 1268 01:01:41,391 --> 01:01:43,798 and they'll show me a picture of a guy in a magazine 1269 01:01:43,833 --> 01:01:45,503 or someone that they've seen on Instagram, 1270 01:01:45,527 --> 01:01:47,835 and I'll say, "Why? Why is that?" 1271 01:01:47,870 --> 01:01:50,079 Because that's a big thing, it's a very powerful question 1272 01:01:50,103 --> 01:01:52,367 to ask a client is the "why." 1273 01:01:52,402 --> 01:01:55,073 Now, for a lot of people it is just an external source 1274 01:01:55,108 --> 01:01:57,141 of, "Oh, I just want to look like that." 1275 01:01:57,176 --> 01:01:59,088 Well, then you've really got to do some more digging 1276 01:01:59,112 --> 01:02:01,849 to find out why that is, and nine times out of ten, 1277 01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:04,819 it'll be because they have suffered self-esteem issues 1278 01:02:04,854 --> 01:02:06,513 or body image issues 1279 01:02:06,548 --> 01:02:09,120 or they've grown up feeling insecure 1280 01:02:09,155 --> 01:02:10,418 compared to X, Y, and Z. 1281 01:02:10,453 --> 01:02:11,793 So, suddenly, they're the things 1282 01:02:11,828 --> 01:02:12,727 you've got to be working on. 1283 01:02:12,763 --> 01:02:14,136 You've got to be helping them up here. 1284 01:02:14,160 --> 01:02:16,424 No diet will ever fix that problem. 1285 01:02:21,101 --> 01:02:23,398 Basically, everyone strives to be in the shape 1286 01:02:23,433 --> 01:02:26,368 of the stage bodybuilder, which is unrealistic. 1287 01:02:26,403 --> 01:02:28,007 Not even bodybuilders are in that shape 1288 01:02:28,042 --> 01:02:29,305 all of the time. 1289 01:02:29,340 --> 01:02:32,814 But this is what we strive to have. 1290 01:02:35,181 --> 01:02:36,279 Make some noise! 1291 01:02:39,449 --> 01:02:41,152 Being a pro bodybuilder is tough, 1292 01:02:41,187 --> 01:02:44,188 you know, it's not easy. 1293 01:02:44,223 --> 01:02:46,355 Now, that's it, flex it. 1294 01:02:48,898 --> 01:02:51,932 How much chicken fillet do you eat in a day? 1295 01:02:51,967 --> 01:02:53,560 Uh, about 1.5 kilos. 1296 01:02:53,595 --> 01:02:55,870 - 1.5 kilos? - Yeah. 1297 01:02:55,905 --> 01:02:59,973 Not having another gram more of almonds, 1298 01:03:00,008 --> 01:03:03,141 not having another half a bowl of oatmeal 1299 01:03:03,176 --> 01:03:05,539 when you're hungry, you know? 1300 01:03:05,574 --> 01:03:08,014 Not doing it, and not doing it, 1301 01:03:08,049 --> 01:03:10,918 not doing it for a period of time. 1302 01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:15,450 We're talking about 10, 11, 12, 13 weeks. 1303 01:03:15,485 --> 01:03:18,090 ♪ 1304 01:03:18,125 --> 01:03:19,223 Nobody thought about bod... 1305 01:03:19,258 --> 01:03:20,895 They wouldn't even talk to us. 1306 01:03:20,930 --> 01:03:22,292 But after Pumping Iron, 1307 01:03:22,327 --> 01:03:24,998 it really changed the face of bodybuilding. 1308 01:03:25,033 --> 01:03:27,869 All the world was pumping iron. 1309 01:03:27,904 --> 01:03:30,168 It was great to say pumping iron. 1310 01:03:30,203 --> 01:03:35,140 I mean, gyms were popping up all over the United States. 1311 01:03:35,175 --> 01:03:36,944 ♪ 1312 01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:39,474 We're looking at physique sports 1313 01:03:39,509 --> 01:03:42,477 that, once upon a time, were confined to 1314 01:03:42,512 --> 01:03:46,481 a fairly small subset of people that were interested in it. 1315 01:03:46,516 --> 01:03:50,287 And we've seen this mainstreaming of practices 1316 01:03:50,322 --> 01:03:53,323 involving very restrictive meal plans, 1317 01:03:53,358 --> 01:03:55,930 counting calories and macronutrients, 1318 01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:57,899 but more particularly, 1319 01:03:57,934 --> 01:04:00,363 it's the emphasis on looking 1320 01:04:00,398 --> 01:04:03,069 the way that bodybuilders might look on stage 1321 01:04:03,104 --> 01:04:05,203 at a very low level of body fat. 1322 01:04:05,238 --> 01:04:06,941 For both men and women, 1323 01:04:06,976 --> 01:04:09,075 that has become a cultural norm, 1324 01:04:09,110 --> 01:04:12,474 that has become something that people portray 1325 01:04:12,509 --> 01:04:15,048 through their social media every day, 1326 01:04:15,083 --> 01:04:19,019 and it fails to, 1327 01:04:19,054 --> 01:04:21,516 I think, represent that most people 1328 01:04:21,551 --> 01:04:23,386 get into that type of condition 1329 01:04:23,421 --> 01:04:25,619 once or twice a year for a show. 1330 01:04:25,654 --> 01:04:28,996 What they tend to do, then, is have two to three days 1331 01:04:29,031 --> 01:04:31,493 of photo shoots and then simply drip-feed 1332 01:04:31,528 --> 01:04:33,330 those photographs out onto social media 1333 01:04:33,365 --> 01:04:34,936 for the next year. 1334 01:04:34,971 --> 01:04:36,608 That gives the impression to ordinary people 1335 01:04:36,632 --> 01:04:39,171 that this particular person looks like this 1336 01:04:39,206 --> 01:04:42,141 day in and day out. 1337 01:04:42,176 --> 01:04:44,979 ♪ 1338 01:04:45,014 --> 01:04:46,585 There are a lot of people in the fitness industry 1339 01:04:46,609 --> 01:04:50,479 who are abusing steroids, which will give you 1340 01:04:50,514 --> 01:04:53,251 unsustainable results unless you participate 1341 01:04:53,286 --> 01:04:55,220 in taking them yourself. 1342 01:04:55,255 --> 01:04:57,354 So many people promote something 1343 01:04:57,389 --> 01:04:59,059 that your average Joe and Jane 1344 01:04:59,094 --> 01:05:01,160 will never ever be able to obtain, 1345 01:05:01,195 --> 01:05:04,064 and that's my biggest problem. 1346 01:05:04,099 --> 01:05:11,500 ♪ 1347 01:05:11,535 --> 01:05:15,108 I don't think people always truly appreciate 1348 01:05:15,143 --> 01:05:17,143 the psychological restrictions 1349 01:05:17,178 --> 01:05:19,574 that a lot of us still place on our lives, 1350 01:05:19,609 --> 01:05:21,543 things like, "Oh, I must go for a run 1351 01:05:21,578 --> 01:05:23,578 because I've eaten this today," 1352 01:05:23,613 --> 01:05:25,613 or, "Oh, I've had this for breakfast, 1353 01:05:25,648 --> 01:05:28,154 so I'm not gonna have this with my dinner," or... 1354 01:05:28,189 --> 01:05:32,961 There's still a lot of residual internalized dialogue 1355 01:05:32,996 --> 01:05:35,458 that we've lived with our entire lives, 1356 01:05:35,493 --> 01:05:37,229 that we heard our mom say, 1357 01:05:37,264 --> 01:05:39,429 that we heard our grandparents say, 1358 01:05:39,464 --> 01:05:41,431 that our friends still talk about, 1359 01:05:41,466 --> 01:05:44,236 that's happening in the office when we're at work. 1360 01:05:44,271 --> 01:05:46,634 So those kinds of mental restrictions, 1361 01:05:46,669 --> 01:05:51,540 they're an awful lot harder to get away from. 1362 01:05:51,575 --> 01:05:54,081 ♪ 1363 01:05:54,116 --> 01:05:57,612 I was really forced to face what was going on, 1364 01:05:57,647 --> 01:05:58,613 and I think that's when I realized 1365 01:05:58,648 --> 01:05:59,988 something had to change 1366 01:06:00,023 --> 01:06:02,122 because I couldn't do this again. 1367 01:06:02,157 --> 01:06:03,354 I'd been in hospital twice, 1368 01:06:03,389 --> 01:06:07,622 and it's a very intense environment. 1369 01:06:07,657 --> 01:06:09,756 ♪ 1370 01:06:09,791 --> 01:06:14,068 The start of my recovery journey 1371 01:06:14,103 --> 01:06:16,697 was recognizing that what I was doing 1372 01:06:16,732 --> 01:06:20,074 wasn't serving me and was making me so unhappy. 1373 01:06:20,109 --> 01:06:22,769 So, to be in your early twenties 1374 01:06:22,804 --> 01:06:25,178 and to be in a position where you're considering 1375 01:06:25,213 --> 01:06:26,674 taking your own life 1376 01:06:26,709 --> 01:06:28,511 is a powerful enough reason to think, 1377 01:06:28,546 --> 01:06:30,348 "Hmm, something is not quite right. 1378 01:06:30,383 --> 01:06:31,745 I need to do something about it." 1379 01:06:31,780 --> 01:06:33,747 So that's when I went and sought help. 1380 01:06:33,782 --> 01:06:35,650 Things like cognitive behavioral therapy 1381 01:06:35,685 --> 01:06:37,322 worked wonders for me. 1382 01:06:37,357 --> 01:06:41,491 I came across the power of the mind. 1383 01:06:41,526 --> 01:06:43,394 And, so, going forward now in my coaching, 1384 01:06:43,429 --> 01:06:47,794 that's how I help people, because there is no quick fix, 1385 01:06:47,829 --> 01:06:52,502 and there is certainly no one-fix solution for people. 1386 01:06:52,537 --> 01:06:55,307 ♪ 1387 01:06:55,342 --> 01:06:57,639 I posted a picture on Instagram. 1388 01:06:57,674 --> 01:07:01,412 I'd been using my account to document my dieting, 1389 01:07:01,447 --> 01:07:04,316 and when I posted the picture about bingeing, 1390 01:07:04,351 --> 01:07:06,120 one of my local friends said, 1391 01:07:06,155 --> 01:07:08,815 "Oh, I've been following this woman 1392 01:07:08,850 --> 01:07:11,158 who talks about anti-diet. 1393 01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:12,588 Maybe you should check her out." 1394 01:07:12,623 --> 01:07:14,194 And that was it. 1395 01:07:14,229 --> 01:07:16,196 And very quickly, I realized 1396 01:07:16,231 --> 01:07:20,662 that actually my radical disability rights politics 1397 01:07:20,697 --> 01:07:22,631 are essentially the same thing. 1398 01:07:22,666 --> 01:07:28,175 They translate so easily into anti-beauty standards 1399 01:07:28,210 --> 01:07:30,606 and anti-diet that I almost felt 1400 01:07:30,641 --> 01:07:33,180 that I can't... a bit embarrassed 1401 01:07:33,215 --> 01:07:34,742 that I'd never sort of cottoned on 1402 01:07:34,777 --> 01:07:36,579 that it was essentially the same thing 1403 01:07:36,614 --> 01:07:39,285 and, yet, I was so extreme 1404 01:07:39,320 --> 01:07:41,122 in my radical disability politics 1405 01:07:41,157 --> 01:07:43,817 but so extremely involved in diet culture. 1406 01:07:43,852 --> 01:07:47,425 It was almost laughable. 1407 01:07:50,133 --> 01:07:52,166 When my relationship with my body 1408 01:07:52,201 --> 01:07:54,102 was picking up momentum, 1409 01:07:54,137 --> 01:07:56,731 I started to see what health meant. 1410 01:07:56,766 --> 01:07:58,568 And this diet culture thing, I was like, 1411 01:07:58,603 --> 01:08:00,801 "Oh, the two are actually separate, 1412 01:08:00,836 --> 01:08:02,385 but they've just been married together 1413 01:08:02,409 --> 01:08:03,804 by people that don't get it. 1414 01:08:03,839 --> 01:08:06,246 Oh, so I really have to be on this... 1415 01:08:06,281 --> 01:08:08,479 Explore this by myself? 1416 01:08:08,514 --> 01:08:10,745 Huh. Okay, okay, okay, okay. 1417 01:08:10,780 --> 01:08:13,583 So everyone's calling me 'fat' and calling me 'ugly, ' 1418 01:08:13,618 --> 01:08:15,882 but my body is still faithful to me. 1419 01:08:15,917 --> 01:08:17,620 I've been raped, it's been beaten, 1420 01:08:17,655 --> 01:08:19,292 I've been spat on, I've been abused, 1421 01:08:19,327 --> 01:08:22,229 but my body hasn't failed me. 1422 01:08:22,264 --> 01:08:23,659 Ah." 1423 01:08:23,694 --> 01:08:25,331 Mm. 1424 01:08:25,366 --> 01:08:29,698 Really, it's... there's never a problem inside. 1425 01:08:29,733 --> 01:08:30,765 As far as I'm aware, 1426 01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:32,701 the problem is always external, 1427 01:08:32,736 --> 01:08:34,571 it's always society. 1428 01:08:34,606 --> 01:08:37,706 And that's the same in terms of all intersection. 1429 01:08:37,741 --> 01:08:42,282 So racism and transphobia, fatphobia, ableism, 1430 01:08:42,317 --> 01:08:44,185 the problem is always the outside. 1431 01:08:44,220 --> 01:08:45,912 It's never the person. 1432 01:08:45,947 --> 01:08:47,518 ♪ 1433 01:08:47,553 --> 01:08:50,587 So, for me, to take a leap into an industry 1434 01:08:50,622 --> 01:08:54,261 that was notoriously known for not accepting fat bodies 1435 01:08:54,296 --> 01:08:55,768 and didn't want to be associated with them 1436 01:08:55,792 --> 01:08:59,827 in any way or form... 1437 01:08:59,862 --> 01:09:01,796 it was, yeah, it was sort of 1438 01:09:01,831 --> 01:09:05,305 proving my parents wrong, but I'm proving society wrong, 1439 01:09:05,340 --> 01:09:09,276 that, actually, I could work within that industry. 1440 01:09:09,311 --> 01:09:10,871 ♪ 1441 01:09:10,906 --> 01:09:15,183 We need to put those efforts into looking outwards 1442 01:09:15,218 --> 01:09:16,943 and altering the things that we see 1443 01:09:16,978 --> 01:09:19,187 that are problematic in society 1444 01:09:19,222 --> 01:09:21,354 rather than trying to fix something in ourselves 1445 01:09:21,389 --> 01:09:23,257 that isn't even broken. 1446 01:09:23,292 --> 01:09:26,953 You are worthy, you are worthy of better than this. 1447 01:09:26,988 --> 01:09:34,988 ♪ 1448 01:09:36,866 --> 01:09:39,471 Oh, hello, London. 1449 01:09:39,506 --> 01:09:41,737 Anyone over there with a pair of binoculars? 1450 01:09:41,772 --> 01:09:46,676 I'm fat, yes, but I'm not inactive. 1451 01:09:46,711 --> 01:09:50,548 I love to run around and be silly and joke and laugh, 1452 01:09:50,583 --> 01:09:53,221 and I love to dance! 1453 01:09:53,256 --> 01:09:56,455 Don't... say it to my face... 1454 01:09:56,490 --> 01:10:00,261 Why am I insecure because of your, your, and your opinions? 1455 01:10:00,296 --> 01:10:01,328 I can't do that. 1456 01:10:01,363 --> 01:10:04,793 ♪ 1457 01:10:04,828 --> 01:10:07,466 I love soca music, Caribbean music. 1458 01:10:07,501 --> 01:10:10,436 The bigger the bum, the better. 1459 01:10:10,471 --> 01:10:12,735 Like, I'm not bashing anybody with small bums, 1460 01:10:12,770 --> 01:10:15,342 but if you, like, you have a small bum, 1461 01:10:15,377 --> 01:10:18,411 it's a little bit difficult, you know, to dance. 1462 01:10:18,446 --> 01:10:21,315 Everybody's accepted in the Caribbean. 1463 01:10:21,350 --> 01:10:23,251 Like body size, nobody's bashed. 1464 01:10:23,286 --> 01:10:25,616 You'd probably be bashed maybe on your personality 1465 01:10:25,651 --> 01:10:28,685 before someone will talk about your size. 1466 01:10:36,728 --> 01:10:39,399 I eventually decided to face up to the fear 1467 01:10:39,434 --> 01:10:40,928 of eating a croissant. 1468 01:10:40,963 --> 01:10:42,930 So it was about seven or eight years 1469 01:10:42,965 --> 01:10:44,800 since I'd eaten a croissant, 1470 01:10:44,835 --> 01:10:46,604 and it was something I thought about a lot, 1471 01:10:46,639 --> 01:10:48,540 like I'd see people eat them and I'd think, 1472 01:10:48,575 --> 01:10:50,454 "Oh, I really want one of them, but, oh, I can't one. 1473 01:10:50,478 --> 01:10:51,972 They're something I just don't eat." 1474 01:10:52,007 --> 01:10:55,448 And, then, eventually, I did, and when I did eat it, 1475 01:10:55,483 --> 01:10:57,747 I have to admit that it was tough. 1476 01:10:57,782 --> 01:10:59,045 It wasn't just, "Oh, I ate it," 1477 01:10:59,080 --> 01:11:00,717 and I thought, "That was easy." 1478 01:11:00,752 --> 01:11:02,521 It was actually still quite challenging 1479 01:11:02,556 --> 01:11:05,392 because it was a fear food, 1480 01:11:05,427 --> 01:11:08,593 and it brought up feelings of guilt and anxiety and shame 1481 01:11:08,628 --> 01:11:10,001 because I thought I'd let myself down 1482 01:11:10,025 --> 01:11:13,697 by having something I'd said was off-limits. 1483 01:11:13,732 --> 01:11:19,703 ♪ 1484 01:11:19,738 --> 01:11:21,903 It makes people anxious often 1485 01:11:21,938 --> 01:11:24,708 to think about the shame and the guilt 1486 01:11:24,743 --> 01:11:26,644 that's underneath dieting. 1487 01:11:26,679 --> 01:11:28,580 And, so, when we think about letting go 1488 01:11:28,615 --> 01:11:32,320 of our food roles, we're also, on an unconscious level, 1489 01:11:32,355 --> 01:11:35,488 letting go of our sense of control. 1490 01:11:35,523 --> 01:11:37,721 And, you know, diet culture tells us, of course, 1491 01:11:37,756 --> 01:11:41,054 we can and we should be able to control our bodies. 1492 01:11:41,089 --> 01:11:48,831 ♪ 1493 01:11:48,866 --> 01:11:51,702 Even when she went to university, 1494 01:11:51,737 --> 01:11:53,836 she wasn't well, really, 1495 01:11:53,871 --> 01:11:57,004 but she just showed enormous courage. 1496 01:11:57,039 --> 01:11:59,677 And we didn't want her to go, 1497 01:11:59,712 --> 01:12:03,450 but I could sort of see that she was starting 1498 01:12:03,485 --> 01:12:07,421 to take the control back herself 1499 01:12:07,456 --> 01:12:08,917 and to deal with it. 1500 01:12:08,952 --> 01:12:13,086 And just learning to step back and let her do that 1501 01:12:13,121 --> 01:12:15,660 was... was what we did. 1502 01:12:15,695 --> 01:12:17,893 I think it's 'cause... 1503 01:12:17,928 --> 01:12:22,667 I don't know when, but at some point I realized, 1504 01:12:22,702 --> 01:12:25,769 I realized I wanted to live and not just survive. 1505 01:12:25,804 --> 01:12:29,740 I'd been just surviving for so long 1506 01:12:29,775 --> 01:12:32,512 but feeling so awful 1507 01:12:32,547 --> 01:12:34,019 that I actually wanted to get to a place 1508 01:12:34,043 --> 01:12:35,746 where I was living and enjoying things 1509 01:12:35,781 --> 01:12:38,452 rather than going through the motions 1510 01:12:38,487 --> 01:12:41,422 day in and day out. 1511 01:12:41,457 --> 01:12:49,457 ♪ 1512 01:12:49,597 --> 01:12:53,995 When it comes to diets... And what's the new one, keto? 1513 01:12:54,030 --> 01:12:56,129 Keto, I think that's the new one 1514 01:12:56,164 --> 01:12:57,900 and people are going crazy over that. 1515 01:12:57,935 --> 01:12:59,649 I thought I was gonna jump on it, Googled it, 1516 01:12:59,673 --> 01:13:02,135 I said, "No, that's way too much effort to me." 1517 01:13:02,170 --> 01:13:04,148 Why can't we just have a healthy, balanced lifestyle? 1518 01:13:04,172 --> 01:13:06,579 We can't have a healthy, balanced lifestyle 1519 01:13:06,614 --> 01:13:08,812 because... well, we can, but it's very difficult 1520 01:13:08,847 --> 01:13:10,649 and it's going to be very difficult 1521 01:13:10,684 --> 01:13:12,453 because of money. 1522 01:13:12,488 --> 01:13:15,016 Money makes everything a problem for somebody. 1523 01:13:15,051 --> 01:13:17,458 The rich eat well, the poor eat shit. 1524 01:13:17,493 --> 01:13:20,593 And as someone who considers myself as working class... 1525 01:13:20,628 --> 01:13:23,123 I've not yet really reached celebrity status. 1526 01:13:23,158 --> 01:13:25,532 When I get there, things might change, 1527 01:13:25,567 --> 01:13:28,436 but until then, I am definitely living 1528 01:13:28,471 --> 01:13:32,539 below the breadline and, um, it's hard. 1529 01:13:32,574 --> 01:13:35,971 I feel that I am this way because of lots of factors, 1530 01:13:36,006 --> 01:13:37,841 but one of the main things 1531 01:13:37,876 --> 01:13:40,173 is that all we ever had enough money to eat 1532 01:13:40,208 --> 01:13:43,517 was what we could afford which is Iceland food, 1533 01:13:43,552 --> 01:13:45,486 cheap and cheerful, ASDA, 1534 01:13:45,521 --> 01:13:47,818 microwave meals because everyone's parents, 1535 01:13:47,853 --> 01:13:50,216 family, guardians, whatever, are working so hard 1536 01:13:50,251 --> 01:13:53,725 to put money on the table that they can't cook us 1537 01:13:53,760 --> 01:13:58,059 venison and, uh, shrimp for dinner. 1538 01:13:58,094 --> 01:14:02,767 ♪ 1539 01:14:02,802 --> 01:14:04,571 From day one, when we go 1540 01:14:04,606 --> 01:14:08,476 into our nutrition and public health degrees, 1541 01:14:08,511 --> 01:14:12,040 we are taught that socioeconomic disparities 1542 01:14:12,075 --> 01:14:14,548 drive health inequality, 1543 01:14:14,583 --> 01:14:17,177 and it's like a given, it's a fact, 1544 01:14:17,212 --> 01:14:20,246 and then it never gets touched on ever again 1545 01:14:20,281 --> 01:14:22,853 and we barely talk about it. 1546 01:14:22,888 --> 01:14:30,888 ♪ 1547 01:14:49,618 --> 01:14:53,719 We have quite a strong body of research now that shows 1548 01:14:53,754 --> 01:14:57,855 that the primary determinants of all of these conditions 1549 01:14:57,890 --> 01:14:59,923 is socioeconomic status, 1550 01:14:59,958 --> 01:15:04,290 and it goes simply beyond baseline income level, 1551 01:15:04,325 --> 01:15:07,634 but, actually, is more pronounced in societies 1552 01:15:07,669 --> 01:15:10,197 where the wealth gap between the very rich 1553 01:15:10,232 --> 01:15:14,707 and poorest in society is the largest. 1554 01:15:14,742 --> 01:15:17,237 And that's why for health statistics, 1555 01:15:17,272 --> 01:15:19,206 the countries with the leading issues 1556 01:15:19,241 --> 01:15:21,043 in chronic lifestyle disease 1557 01:15:21,078 --> 01:15:24,211 are the UK, the United States, and Australia 1558 01:15:24,246 --> 01:15:28,116 because they typically have the biggest wealth disparity. 1559 01:15:28,151 --> 01:15:29,623 ♪ 1560 01:15:29,658 --> 01:15:32,758 And so the big rhetoric either from government 1561 01:15:32,793 --> 01:15:36,762 or from food industry is that, you know, 1562 01:15:36,797 --> 01:15:40,062 everyone just needs to eat better. 1563 01:15:40,097 --> 01:15:43,197 But then we look at the urban environments 1564 01:15:43,232 --> 01:15:45,034 and food deserts, and we see 1565 01:15:45,069 --> 01:15:48,268 that, actually, all of the fast food chains 1566 01:15:48,303 --> 01:15:50,105 and the quick convenience foods, 1567 01:15:50,140 --> 01:15:52,712 which are kind of lower in minerals and nutrients 1568 01:15:52,747 --> 01:15:55,275 than kind of whole foods, 1569 01:15:55,310 --> 01:15:57,948 are disproportionately in areas 1570 01:15:57,983 --> 01:16:01,347 of low economic advantage. 1571 01:16:01,382 --> 01:16:03,283 When you add other barriers in, 1572 01:16:03,318 --> 01:16:07,320 like increasing consumption of energy away from the home, 1573 01:16:07,355 --> 01:16:09,828 lack of food preparation skills, 1574 01:16:09,863 --> 01:16:14,602 time is a huge barrier for low socioeconomic families 1575 01:16:14,637 --> 01:16:18,100 because, often, there could be single-parent households, 1576 01:16:18,135 --> 01:16:21,609 two jobs, and we have 1577 01:16:21,644 --> 01:16:24,040 all of these social and economic barriers 1578 01:16:24,075 --> 01:16:25,712 that we're not talking about, 1579 01:16:25,747 --> 01:16:28,308 and unless we start talking about those issues, 1580 01:16:28,343 --> 01:16:30,178 we're not going to make progress. 1581 01:16:37,891 --> 01:16:41,992 Be it jerk chicken and rice and peas, 1582 01:16:42,027 --> 01:16:43,928 or an Iceland microwave tin 1583 01:16:43,963 --> 01:16:46,799 which was something Mom had to "psh, psh, psh" together, 1584 01:16:46,834 --> 01:16:49,703 as you're eating that, you're drooling 1585 01:16:49,738 --> 01:16:51,639 over McDonald's and Burger King adverts 1586 01:16:51,674 --> 01:16:53,135 and KFC adverts 1587 01:16:53,170 --> 01:16:56,842 and, um, "buy this" and "just on offer today, 1588 01:16:56,877 --> 01:16:59,746 Birds Eye Chicken Dippers." 1589 01:16:59,781 --> 01:17:03,376 "Get two for 12 pound Iceland today." 1590 01:17:03,411 --> 01:17:05,818 You want us to be healthy. 1591 01:17:05,853 --> 01:17:09,954 Where's the whole foods advertisements on TV at 7:00? 1592 01:17:09,989 --> 01:17:12,660 I've not seen any of those. 1593 01:17:12,695 --> 01:17:13,594 You want us to be healthy. 1594 01:17:13,630 --> 01:17:16,389 Why isn't everything just organic then? 1595 01:17:16,424 --> 01:17:17,995 You... you know? 1596 01:17:18,030 --> 01:17:22,197 Not only is that evidentially unsustainable, 1597 01:17:22,232 --> 01:17:25,332 I think it's morally unsustainable now 1598 01:17:25,367 --> 01:17:28,236 to put personal responsibility on people 1599 01:17:28,271 --> 01:17:30,678 without modifying the environment in their favor 1600 01:17:30,713 --> 01:17:34,407 that allows them to take any personal responsibility. 1601 01:17:34,442 --> 01:17:37,916 If we're really serious about reversing 1602 01:17:37,951 --> 01:17:41,117 or reducing the burden of chronic lifestyle disease, 1603 01:17:41,152 --> 01:17:43,955 we need to start viewing this as a political issue, 1604 01:17:43,990 --> 01:17:45,099 and we need to start viewing it 1605 01:17:45,123 --> 01:17:47,761 as the socioeconomic issue that it is, 1606 01:17:47,796 --> 01:17:51,864 and we need to start looking 1607 01:17:51,899 --> 01:17:54,163 at that very high level for solutions 1608 01:17:54,198 --> 01:17:56,935 because it's really the only place 1609 01:17:56,970 --> 01:18:01,104 where hard answers are going to come to hard questions. 1610 01:18:01,139 --> 01:18:03,975 And the real question within that is, 1611 01:18:04,010 --> 01:18:08,144 do we have political parties that are brave enough 1612 01:18:08,179 --> 01:18:11,180 to take that step? 1613 01:18:11,215 --> 01:18:13,281 And that's a question that I would not be 1614 01:18:13,316 --> 01:18:15,283 particularly confident on 1615 01:18:15,318 --> 01:18:18,990 in certainly the countries that have embraced 1616 01:18:19,025 --> 01:18:22,290 the neoliberal economic model. 1617 01:18:22,325 --> 01:18:26,393 ♪ 1618 01:18:26,428 --> 01:18:30,100 What strikes me is the lack of urgency about this, 1619 01:18:30,135 --> 01:18:32,201 that assimilation and eradication. 1620 01:18:32,236 --> 01:18:33,840 This is what we're talking about 1621 01:18:33,875 --> 01:18:36,106 when we talk about... When people are suggesting 1622 01:18:36,141 --> 01:18:38,009 weight correction as the way forward. 1623 01:18:38,044 --> 01:18:40,407 Health at Every Size is a concept 1624 01:18:40,442 --> 01:18:43,916 that was coined by Linda Bacon and Lucy Aphramor, 1625 01:18:43,951 --> 01:18:45,412 and the best way to describe it 1626 01:18:45,447 --> 01:18:48,382 is that it's a social justice movement 1627 01:18:48,417 --> 01:18:51,891 that's designed to creating and delivering 1628 01:18:51,926 --> 01:18:55,829 inclusive and accessible care for everybody. 1629 01:18:55,864 --> 01:18:59,459 So, I focus on body respect and health gain, 1630 01:18:59,494 --> 01:19:01,868 where health gain resides in justice. 1631 01:19:01,903 --> 01:19:04,805 If we want health, we need a fair society, 1632 01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:06,334 we need to talk about trauma, 1633 01:19:06,369 --> 01:19:08,435 we need to be compassion-centered. 1634 01:19:08,470 --> 01:19:11,141 And so how that translates to working 1635 01:19:11,176 --> 01:19:14,045 as a Health at Every Size practitioner, for example, 1636 01:19:14,080 --> 01:19:16,784 is I position my clients as the experts 1637 01:19:16,819 --> 01:19:19,050 because they're the ones that know what feels right 1638 01:19:19,085 --> 01:19:21,316 in their body, they're the ones that know 1639 01:19:21,351 --> 01:19:25,188 what fits with their lives in terms of healthcare. 1640 01:19:25,223 --> 01:19:27,927 But at the same time, I'm also teaching them 1641 01:19:27,962 --> 01:19:30,996 that critical awareness by bringing in research 1642 01:19:31,031 --> 01:19:32,998 and helping them to really unpack 1643 01:19:33,033 --> 01:19:36,100 those internalized messages from diet culture. 1644 01:19:36,135 --> 01:19:37,563 Vicious cycle. 1645 01:19:37,598 --> 01:19:40,566 Hundred percent vicious cycle. 1646 01:19:40,601 --> 01:19:43,437 I'm actually really quite inspired 1647 01:19:43,472 --> 01:19:45,472 by the idea of intuitive eating. 1648 01:19:45,507 --> 01:19:49,949 I think it's something that you have to be very careful 1649 01:19:49,984 --> 01:19:53,414 to kind of embark on because it's very easy to say, 1650 01:19:53,449 --> 01:19:55,086 "Well, I'll eat intuitively," 1651 01:19:55,121 --> 01:19:57,550 but if you're still ruled by assorted eating thoughts, 1652 01:19:57,585 --> 01:20:00,322 you may just not eat enough or you may completely cut back 1653 01:20:00,357 --> 01:20:02,269 because you'll think your body is saying one thing 1654 01:20:02,293 --> 01:20:03,457 when, really, your thoughts 1655 01:20:03,492 --> 01:20:05,525 have control over you, actually. 1656 01:20:05,560 --> 01:20:06,571 The thoughts are saying something 1657 01:20:06,595 --> 01:20:09,364 and it's not your hunger you're listening to. 1658 01:20:11,071 --> 01:20:14,039 So, intuitive eating is a framework 1659 01:20:14,074 --> 01:20:17,944 that is designed to get you to reconnect with your body, 1660 01:20:17,979 --> 01:20:19,946 and it was developed by Evelyn Tribole 1661 01:20:19,981 --> 01:20:22,982 and Elyse Resch in the mid-1990s. 1662 01:20:23,017 --> 01:20:25,182 And the reason why it's so important right now 1663 01:20:25,217 --> 01:20:27,954 is because it's a really radical concept 1664 01:20:27,989 --> 01:20:31,122 and a really radical framework in diet culture, 1665 01:20:31,157 --> 01:20:33,927 where we're constantly being bombarded with messages 1666 01:20:33,962 --> 01:20:36,193 about what to eat and how to eat. 1667 01:20:36,228 --> 01:20:39,361 Intuitively eating teaches us how to strip those back 1668 01:20:39,396 --> 01:20:42,870 and how to regain trust in our bodies. 1669 01:20:48,339 --> 01:20:52,143 Jubilee Line, the next train to Wembley Park 1670 01:20:52,178 --> 01:20:57,115 will depart from Platform 14 in one minute. 1671 01:20:57,150 --> 01:20:59,282 I'm just a secret... I'm a secret eater 1672 01:20:59,317 --> 01:21:03,022 because I was so ashamed to do it in public. 1673 01:21:03,057 --> 01:21:04,551 I reached a level of confidence 1674 01:21:04,586 --> 01:21:05,992 where I didn't really mind, 1675 01:21:06,027 --> 01:21:07,653 but it seems to have disappeared again 1676 01:21:07,688 --> 01:21:09,358 and, now, even if I am really hungry 1677 01:21:09,393 --> 01:21:11,624 and I do just want some chips from McDonald's, 1678 01:21:11,659 --> 01:21:14,066 I just... I can't, I won't do it. 1679 01:21:14,101 --> 01:21:16,530 I don't want to do it, I feel bad, 1680 01:21:16,565 --> 01:21:20,633 even though everyone has chips from, um, 1681 01:21:20,668 --> 01:21:22,206 has chips from McDonald's. 1682 01:21:27,246 --> 01:21:28,674 People always ask, 1683 01:21:28,709 --> 01:21:32,018 "Well, if I improve my relationship with food," 1684 01:21:32,053 --> 01:21:33,448 and one of those things to do that 1685 01:21:33,483 --> 01:21:36,088 is giving yourself unconditional permission 1686 01:21:36,123 --> 01:21:37,056 to eat all foods, 1687 01:21:37,091 --> 01:21:39,355 where nothing is officially off the table, 1688 01:21:39,390 --> 01:21:41,324 they go, "well, I'm just gonna put weight on. 1689 01:21:41,359 --> 01:21:43,029 I'm just gonna keep gaining weight. 1690 01:21:43,064 --> 01:21:45,427 I did that once, I tried to give myself permission 1691 01:21:45,462 --> 01:21:47,528 and I just gained weight." 1692 01:21:47,563 --> 01:21:49,101 The difficulty is that 1693 01:21:49,136 --> 01:21:51,136 if you're giving yourself permission, 1694 01:21:51,171 --> 01:21:54,139 but you still have an end goal of weight loss, 1695 01:21:54,174 --> 01:21:57,604 then you don't really have unconditional permission. 1696 01:21:57,639 --> 01:21:59,353 Everything that you do is still conditional 1697 01:21:59,377 --> 01:22:00,981 on not gaining weight, 1698 01:22:01,016 --> 01:22:03,412 and it brings fear back into the equation 1699 01:22:03,447 --> 01:22:05,480 because we're afraid of gaining weight. 1700 01:22:05,515 --> 01:22:08,582 And when we're afraid, we then restrict 1701 01:22:08,617 --> 01:22:11,453 because restriction comes from fear. 1702 01:22:20,596 --> 01:22:23,663 We're diverse individuals, we're complex creatures, 1703 01:22:23,698 --> 01:22:27,337 so we need a wide range of things to help us cope. 1704 01:22:27,372 --> 01:22:30,637 However, some of the foods that we use to cope 1705 01:22:30,672 --> 01:22:34,212 with our emotions are vilified in diet culture. 1706 01:22:34,247 --> 01:22:35,983 I mean, when we're feeling sad or upset, 1707 01:22:36,018 --> 01:22:39,085 we're not gonna go for a plate of kale. 1708 01:22:39,120 --> 01:22:40,581 We want to go for a piece of cake, 1709 01:22:40,616 --> 01:22:42,451 or we want to go for some pasta, 1710 01:22:42,486 --> 01:22:45,388 or we want to go for something that, generally speaking, 1711 01:22:45,423 --> 01:22:47,225 gets vilified by diet culture 1712 01:22:47,260 --> 01:22:49,722 because it has sugar or carbohydrates. 1713 01:22:49,757 --> 01:22:51,625 And there's so much fearmongering 1714 01:22:51,660 --> 01:22:53,759 around those kind of foods, 1715 01:22:53,794 --> 01:22:56,564 that when we then go to reach for them, 1716 01:22:56,599 --> 01:23:01,008 when we're feeling emotional, we experience shame and guilt. 1717 01:23:03,078 --> 01:23:04,044 ♪ 1718 01:23:04,079 --> 01:23:07,608 Also, food is deeply emotional all by itself. 1719 01:23:07,643 --> 01:23:09,313 You know, our first relationships 1720 01:23:09,348 --> 01:23:11,777 are mediated through food. 1721 01:23:11,812 --> 01:23:13,779 And so that means that, quite often, 1722 01:23:13,814 --> 01:23:16,485 food can help us to process 1723 01:23:16,520 --> 01:23:19,752 or go back to certain comfortable, 1724 01:23:19,787 --> 01:23:22,029 more pleasant points in time. 1725 01:23:22,064 --> 01:23:23,789 So that's not a cause for condemnation. 1726 01:23:23,824 --> 01:23:26,264 That should be quite a strong cause for compassion 1727 01:23:26,299 --> 01:23:30,565 and either seeking or offering support to someone. 1728 01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:37,209 ♪ 1729 01:23:37,244 --> 01:23:39,640 I think also realizing 1730 01:23:39,675 --> 01:23:43,116 that the experts might be able to help, 1731 01:23:43,151 --> 01:23:46,185 'cause I lost faith in them along the way. 1732 01:23:46,220 --> 01:23:47,813 And I think Hannah's had support 1733 01:23:47,848 --> 01:23:51,289 from one particularly good person in recent years 1734 01:23:51,324 --> 01:23:53,159 who was actually a family therapist 1735 01:23:53,194 --> 01:23:56,393 who I also did some work with. 1736 01:23:56,428 --> 01:23:59,132 Do you remember, we used to do all these albums? 1737 01:23:59,167 --> 01:24:03,202 I think she always saw me as a person, 1738 01:24:03,237 --> 01:24:06,568 not as an illness, and I think sometimes along the way 1739 01:24:06,603 --> 01:24:09,802 professionals would only see you as an illness, 1740 01:24:09,837 --> 01:24:12,310 and especially as I got older 1741 01:24:12,345 --> 01:24:14,477 and I was no longer a teenager. 1742 01:24:14,512 --> 01:24:17,381 When I was... I was an adult or I am an adult, 1743 01:24:17,416 --> 01:24:20,615 it was really hard when you get treated like a child 1744 01:24:20,650 --> 01:24:23,387 because I could acknowledge that I was unwell, 1745 01:24:23,422 --> 01:24:27,490 but actually I was still me. 1746 01:24:27,525 --> 01:24:28,788 Your hair. 1747 01:24:28,823 --> 01:24:30,691 Then, we went to Istanbul afterwards. 1748 01:24:30,726 --> 01:24:33,628 I think that's what we did. 1749 01:24:33,663 --> 01:24:36,862 I wonder if had things been addressed earlier on 1750 01:24:36,897 --> 01:24:40,338 in the right way, then the outcome may have been 1751 01:24:40,373 --> 01:24:43,407 quite drastically different and it wouldn't have taken 1752 01:24:43,442 --> 01:24:45,739 two years of my life in an inpatient unit 1753 01:24:45,774 --> 01:24:50,249 and a lot, a lot of challenges, yeah. 1754 01:24:50,284 --> 01:24:52,251 Yeah, I do question that, and in fact, 1755 01:24:52,286 --> 01:24:53,527 you sort of beat yourself up slightly and think, 1756 01:24:53,551 --> 01:24:55,155 "Why didn't I spot it earlier," 1757 01:24:55,190 --> 01:24:56,200 and all this sort of stuff. 1758 01:24:56,224 --> 01:24:58,455 And, um, 1759 01:24:58,490 --> 01:24:59,863 you kind of have to learn to live with that 1760 01:24:59,887 --> 01:25:02,129 because you did what you did. 1761 01:25:02,164 --> 01:25:03,164 Okay, great. 1762 01:25:06,630 --> 01:25:09,664 So, tonight, I'm gonna cook that cake. 1763 01:25:09,699 --> 01:25:10,775 No, actually, I think I'm gonna do the cookies, 1764 01:25:10,799 --> 01:25:13,305 I'm gonna do the chocolate chip. 1765 01:25:13,340 --> 01:25:21,340 ♪ 1766 01:25:24,285 --> 01:25:30,289 ♪ 1767 01:25:30,324 --> 01:25:33,886 So, yesterday, I was invited down to Sunday Morning Live 1768 01:25:33,921 --> 01:25:36,922 with the BBC to talk about body positive yoga. 1769 01:25:36,957 --> 01:25:39,628 I'm with a group of women who refuse to let the opinions 1770 01:25:39,663 --> 01:25:42,334 of others shame them into worrying about their health. 1771 01:25:42,369 --> 01:25:44,666 And that was wonderful, we had the yoga class, 1772 01:25:44,701 --> 01:25:46,569 a few stretches, sun salutations, 1773 01:25:46,604 --> 01:25:48,384 all that good stuff, breathe, breathe, breathe. 1774 01:25:48,408 --> 01:25:51,244 Now, most people might say, "What's more important, 1775 01:25:51,279 --> 01:25:53,312 body confidence or good health?" 1776 01:25:53,347 --> 01:25:54,544 What would you say to that? 1777 01:25:54,579 --> 01:25:56,645 I think the two have to coincide. 1778 01:25:56,680 --> 01:25:59,318 You have to be... in order to be confident, 1779 01:25:59,353 --> 01:26:00,517 you need to be healthy. 1780 01:26:00,552 --> 01:26:02,354 In order to be healthy, you have to have 1781 01:26:02,389 --> 01:26:04,752 some level of confidence to go and pursue that. 1782 01:26:04,787 --> 01:26:09,757 So, then, they interviewed a white guy 1783 01:26:09,792 --> 01:26:13,233 about the age of 40, maybe even hitting 50. 1784 01:26:13,268 --> 01:26:15,928 Now, one man who knows more about losing weight 1785 01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:17,303 is Chris Zaremba. 1786 01:26:17,338 --> 01:26:18,931 Now, Chris, lovely to meet you. 1787 01:26:18,966 --> 01:26:22,242 At one point, you weighed 18 stone, is that right? 1788 01:26:22,277 --> 01:26:24,640 That's right, when I was 50, I was 18 stone. 1789 01:26:24,675 --> 01:26:26,455 Right, and we've got some before and after photos 1790 01:26:26,479 --> 01:26:27,578 that we can have a look at. 1791 01:26:27,614 --> 01:26:29,942 It's pretty amazing how much weight you've lost. 1792 01:26:29,977 --> 01:26:31,746 He started to speak on his journey 1793 01:26:31,781 --> 01:26:35,321 of losing weight himself, um, once being 18 stone, 1794 01:26:35,356 --> 01:26:38,225 which they said like it was, like, 1795 01:26:38,260 --> 01:26:39,886 "Oh, you used to be a murderer. 1796 01:26:39,921 --> 01:26:41,492 Oh, you used to be 18 stone." 1797 01:26:41,527 --> 01:26:43,560 It was the exact same tone. 1798 01:26:43,595 --> 01:26:46,893 And I'm like, "Bitch, last time I checked the scale, 1799 01:26:46,928 --> 01:26:51,568 I think I was hitting 20, so what you trying to say?" 1800 01:26:51,603 --> 01:26:54,736 Being 18 stone, I was technically obese. 1801 01:26:54,771 --> 01:26:56,276 I had very high blood pressure, 1802 01:26:56,311 --> 01:26:58,377 I had high levels of lousy cholesterol, 1803 01:26:58,412 --> 01:27:01,875 the LDL cholesterol, and I was borderline diabetic. 1804 01:27:01,910 --> 01:27:03,745 - Oh, goodness. - And the GP told me 1805 01:27:03,780 --> 01:27:04,922 that if I didn't change my ways 1806 01:27:04,946 --> 01:27:06,385 and got a little more into fitness 1807 01:27:06,420 --> 01:27:07,815 and a little away from fatness, 1808 01:27:07,850 --> 01:27:10,455 then it's possible I might not see my 60th birthday. 1809 01:27:10,490 --> 01:27:12,358 Then he went on to speak about weight loss 1810 01:27:12,393 --> 01:27:13,821 which he then corrected and said, 1811 01:27:13,856 --> 01:27:15,493 "Well, actually, fat loss. 1812 01:27:15,528 --> 01:27:17,297 It was losing the fat that I had to do." 1813 01:27:17,332 --> 01:27:19,629 And, again, I'm there stretching, 1814 01:27:19,664 --> 01:27:22,764 downward facing dog or whatever, thinking, 1815 01:27:22,799 --> 01:27:24,964 "If I could just get up and punch this fool 1816 01:27:24,999 --> 01:27:26,570 in the face, I would." 1817 01:27:26,605 --> 01:27:27,912 But of course, again, it's the BBC 1818 01:27:27,936 --> 01:27:29,738 and I don't want to embarrass myself, 1819 01:27:29,773 --> 01:27:31,036 so I had to hold it down. 1820 01:27:31,071 --> 01:27:33,005 But then when I spoke to the women afterwards, 1821 01:27:33,040 --> 01:27:35,909 it turns out that we all felt the exact same way, 1822 01:27:35,944 --> 01:27:37,878 we all felt just as disappointed 1823 01:27:37,913 --> 01:27:42,322 in that moment as we all did, but what can we do? 1824 01:27:42,357 --> 01:27:43,884 We're filming at 8:00 a.m. 1825 01:27:43,919 --> 01:27:46,491 for something to be broadcast at 11:00. 1826 01:27:46,526 --> 01:27:48,460 What exactly are we gonna do? 1827 01:27:48,495 --> 01:27:51,364 So it's kind of like, how can we go against this? 1828 01:27:51,399 --> 01:27:54,400 And then I sort of realized, 1829 01:27:54,435 --> 01:27:57,403 "I don't know if we can." 1830 01:27:57,438 --> 01:27:58,800 Here we go. 1831 01:28:01,442 --> 01:28:08,480 ♪ 1832 01:28:08,515 --> 01:28:10,317 This is The Real Catwalk, 1833 01:28:10,352 --> 01:28:13,749 and you're here to witness true journeys of self-love, 1834 01:28:13,784 --> 01:28:16,983 the love for others, acceptance, compassion 1835 01:28:17,018 --> 01:28:18,886 of whoever we are 1836 01:28:18,921 --> 01:28:22,626 in all of our bodies, shapes, colors, sizes, abilities, 1837 01:28:22,661 --> 01:28:24,463 lived differences, mental health, 1838 01:28:24,498 --> 01:28:25,761 we're celebrating all of it. 1839 01:28:25,796 --> 01:28:27,092 So, support them. 1840 01:28:27,127 --> 01:28:29,600 Give your applause, scream, do whatever. 1841 01:28:29,635 --> 01:28:30,799 They'll do a little dance. 1842 01:28:30,834 --> 01:28:32,801 Our positions are here. 1843 01:28:32,836 --> 01:28:34,440 Enjoy the show. 1844 01:28:36,477 --> 01:28:44,477 ♪ 1845 01:28:47,521 --> 01:28:48,916 Ready? 1846 01:28:48,951 --> 01:28:50,555 Go. 1847 01:28:52,988 --> 01:29:00,988 ♪ 1848 01:29:23,788 --> 01:29:26,987 We're here for The Real Catwalk in Trafalgar Square. 1849 01:29:27,022 --> 01:29:29,528 It's all about body positivity. 1850 01:29:29,563 --> 01:29:31,596 It doesn't matter who you are, what shape you are, 1851 01:29:31,631 --> 01:29:33,796 what size you are, what disability 1852 01:29:33,831 --> 01:29:37,129 or ability you have, you are beautiful, 1853 01:29:37,164 --> 01:29:40,803 and I just think it needs to be out there more. 1854 01:29:43,445 --> 01:29:44,972 ♪ 1855 01:29:45,007 --> 01:29:47,139 There's just... 1856 01:29:47,174 --> 01:29:49,812 Do you know how many bodies look like mine? 1857 01:29:49,847 --> 01:29:51,517 I'm really... 1858 01:29:51,552 --> 01:29:54,080 You know, I mean, I am unique, but not really, 1859 01:29:54,115 --> 01:29:56,819 because there's many women who are apple-shaped, 1860 01:29:56,854 --> 01:29:58,656 pear-shaped, hourglass-shaped, 1861 01:29:58,691 --> 01:30:02,693 but there's just rolls and jiggly bits everywhere. 1862 01:30:05,698 --> 01:30:08,061 The Real Catwalk is a flash mob 1863 01:30:08,096 --> 01:30:11,966 guerilla-style fashion show in the middle of the public 1864 01:30:12,001 --> 01:30:13,836 and where people come to celebrate themselves 1865 01:30:13,871 --> 01:30:16,938 and each other in our differences. 1866 01:30:16,973 --> 01:30:18,742 ♪ 1867 01:30:18,777 --> 01:30:20,106 So it's amazing just to see 1868 01:30:20,141 --> 01:30:23,978 so many different varieties of body types, 1869 01:30:24,013 --> 01:30:27,047 whether you've got an illness, a disability, 1870 01:30:27,082 --> 01:30:30,017 whether you're apparently "not perfect" 1871 01:30:30,052 --> 01:30:31,788 like the media shows. 1872 01:30:31,823 --> 01:30:34,219 It's just amazing to see everybody happy with themselves 1873 01:30:34,254 --> 01:30:36,991 and supporting each other as well. 1874 01:30:37,026 --> 01:30:40,192 When I heard there was a bikini underwear shoot 1875 01:30:40,227 --> 01:30:43,228 in Trafalgar Square, what better way is there 1876 01:30:43,263 --> 01:30:45,472 to get my point across 1877 01:30:45,507 --> 01:30:47,540 that all these beautiful people, 1878 01:30:47,575 --> 01:30:50,972 every body is different, and yet they're all gorgeous. 1879 01:30:51,007 --> 01:30:53,106 It doesn't matter your color, your shape, 1880 01:30:53,141 --> 01:30:55,009 the shape of your body, your size. 1881 01:30:55,044 --> 01:30:56,978 It doesn't matter if you have birthmarks, 1882 01:30:57,013 --> 01:30:58,617 if you have scars or not. 1883 01:30:58,652 --> 01:31:01,983 It doesn't matter, you know, who you are. 1884 01:31:02,018 --> 01:31:05,690 ♪ 1885 01:31:05,725 --> 01:31:07,263 With me being in a wheelchair just to prove... 1886 01:31:07,287 --> 01:31:09,694 To show people that it doesn't matter 1887 01:31:09,729 --> 01:31:11,630 how you look or what difference 1888 01:31:11,665 --> 01:31:12,697 you think you are. 1889 01:31:12,732 --> 01:31:15,260 We're all people. 1890 01:31:15,295 --> 01:31:22,608 ♪ 1891 01:31:22,643 --> 01:31:25,611 To get everyone out, everyone set out 1892 01:31:25,646 --> 01:31:28,009 to show off their stuff, strut their stuff, 1893 01:31:28,044 --> 01:31:30,715 get out there, be loud, be bold. 1894 01:31:30,750 --> 01:31:35,115 ♪ 1895 01:31:35,150 --> 01:31:37,183 Take your time. 1896 01:31:37,218 --> 01:31:40,560 ♪ 1897 01:31:40,595 --> 01:31:44,762 Everyone making judgments, so the best thing you can do 1898 01:31:44,797 --> 01:31:46,665 is deal with it, get over it, 1899 01:31:46,700 --> 01:31:48,260 and break that boundary anyway. 1900 01:31:48,295 --> 01:31:51,065 These days, I wear crop tops and I don't feel no way. 1901 01:31:51,100 --> 01:31:52,308 When people look at me on the train, 1902 01:31:52,332 --> 01:31:53,672 I don't get offended. 1903 01:31:53,707 --> 01:31:55,201 To me, it's like, "Look more." 1904 01:31:59,845 --> 01:32:02,076 I'd rather just... I'd just do a catwalk for everyone, 1905 01:32:02,111 --> 01:32:03,781 "Look at me, look at me." 1906 01:32:03,816 --> 01:32:05,750 I walk with my head held high. 1907 01:32:05,785 --> 01:32:08,247 And if my thighs, my arms, my back fat is hanging out, 1908 01:32:08,282 --> 01:32:10,051 I don't give a fuck. 1909 01:32:10,086 --> 01:32:13,758 Well, I do, so I try to... I might just tuck it back in. 1910 01:32:13,793 --> 01:32:16,189 But apart from that, I couldn't care less 1911 01:32:16,224 --> 01:32:20,699 because you need to see me and you need to see more of me 1912 01:32:20,734 --> 01:32:21,909 and, preferably, you need to see 1913 01:32:21,933 --> 01:32:23,328 as much of me as possible 1914 01:32:23,363 --> 01:32:25,902 so that you recognize and acknowledge 1915 01:32:25,937 --> 01:32:27,211 every other woman on this planet 1916 01:32:27,235 --> 01:32:29,037 that looks like me. 1917 01:32:31,679 --> 01:32:38,618 ♪ 1918 01:32:38,653 --> 01:32:40,983 The anti-diet movement is getting a lot of traction, 1919 01:32:41,018 --> 01:32:44,723 it's growing, especially in London and the UK. 1920 01:32:44,758 --> 01:32:49,123 ♪ 1921 01:33:05,977 --> 01:33:10,078 The Anti Diet Riot Club is a community and platform 1922 01:33:10,113 --> 01:33:11,190 that tries to bring people together 1923 01:33:11,214 --> 01:33:15,017 who have experienced diet cycling, bad body image. 1924 01:33:15,052 --> 01:33:16,381 Maybe they have been in recovery 1925 01:33:16,416 --> 01:33:17,954 for eating disorders 1926 01:33:17,989 --> 01:33:19,791 or they experienced fat shaming. 1927 01:33:19,826 --> 01:33:21,826 And we create a space for them to come together 1928 01:33:21,861 --> 01:33:24,125 and we learn from each other, educate each other, 1929 01:33:24,160 --> 01:33:25,640 and inspire each other to fight back 1930 01:33:25,667 --> 01:33:27,865 against diet culture. 1931 01:33:27,900 --> 01:33:30,263 Five, six, seven, go. 1932 01:33:30,298 --> 01:33:33,266 One, two, three, four... 1933 01:33:33,301 --> 01:33:37,743 ♪ 1934 01:33:37,778 --> 01:33:39,712 Over the course of a year, 1935 01:33:39,747 --> 01:33:42,209 what you've eaten over two weeks of Christmas 1936 01:33:42,244 --> 01:33:44,046 really doesn't matter. 1937 01:33:44,081 --> 01:33:46,686 How many of you heard maybe body positive community today? 1938 01:33:46,721 --> 01:33:48,050 Raise your hand. 1939 01:33:48,085 --> 01:33:49,865 Right, you've heard that over and over again, 1940 01:33:49,889 --> 01:33:51,350 but how do we create community 1941 01:33:51,385 --> 01:33:53,825 if we don't ever talk to each other? 1942 01:33:53,860 --> 01:33:56,355 It's not for other people to make opinions 1943 01:33:56,390 --> 01:33:57,895 on your body. 1944 01:33:57,930 --> 01:33:59,864 You know, if you want to touch yourself, 1945 01:33:59,899 --> 01:34:00,899 touch yourself. 1946 01:34:00,933 --> 01:34:03,065 Go do it, explore yourself. 1947 01:34:03,100 --> 01:34:05,298 Don't wait for a man to come up 1948 01:34:05,333 --> 01:34:07,674 and give you an orgasm. 1949 01:34:07,709 --> 01:34:09,841 Give yourself an orgasm first. 1950 01:34:09,876 --> 01:34:12,778 And years and years and years of waiting 1951 01:34:12,813 --> 01:34:15,110 to be the right size, waiting to be thin, 1952 01:34:15,145 --> 01:34:16,716 and then my life could begin, 1953 01:34:16,751 --> 01:34:18,355 then I could do all these fabulous things, 1954 01:34:18,379 --> 01:34:21,754 then I could do all the things I've ever dreamt of. 1955 01:34:21,789 --> 01:34:23,426 And I remember getting into my thirties, 1956 01:34:23,450 --> 01:34:26,253 and I was like, "God, is this it? 1957 01:34:26,288 --> 01:34:28,156 Have I got to keep waiting? 1958 01:34:28,191 --> 01:34:30,191 Because it's boring!" 1959 01:34:30,226 --> 01:34:33,359 So if you heard the phrase, which was the entire room, 1960 01:34:33,394 --> 01:34:36,395 "act like a lady," what did that mean 1961 01:34:36,430 --> 01:34:41,202 when someone said that or maybe you said it? 1962 01:34:41,237 --> 01:34:42,720 What did it mean when someone said it? 1963 01:34:42,744 --> 01:34:43,974 Yes. 1964 01:34:45,439 --> 01:34:47,439 - Be quiet. - Be quiet, good. 1965 01:34:47,474 --> 01:34:49,111 What else? Yeah, shout out. 1966 01:34:49,146 --> 01:34:51,476 - Inhibit yourself. - Inhibit yourself, good. 1967 01:34:51,511 --> 01:34:53,181 - Sit nicely. - Sit nicely. 1968 01:34:53,216 --> 01:34:55,018 Can you show me what "sit nicely" looks like? 1969 01:34:57,022 --> 01:34:58,088 Yes. 1970 01:34:58,123 --> 01:35:01,321 And how would you describe the body size of someone 1971 01:35:01,356 --> 01:35:02,487 that is a lady? 1972 01:35:02,522 --> 01:35:04,159 Small! 1973 01:35:04,194 --> 01:35:05,930 Skinny, small, thin. 1974 01:35:05,965 --> 01:35:08,801 - Slight. - Slight. Is that British? 1975 01:35:11,069 --> 01:35:12,134 Slight. 1976 01:35:12,169 --> 01:35:14,741 So where does it come from? 1977 01:35:14,776 --> 01:35:16,105 Patriarchy. Where else? 1978 01:35:16,140 --> 01:35:18,140 - Colonialism. - Okay, I'm coming back to that. 1979 01:35:18,175 --> 01:35:20,241 Yeah, white supremacy. 1980 01:35:20,276 --> 01:35:21,814 Y'all are too smart. What? 1981 01:35:21,849 --> 01:35:23,816 Toxic masculinity. 1982 01:35:23,851 --> 01:35:27,182 Toxic masculinity, good, yeah, what else? 1983 01:35:27,217 --> 01:35:29,316 White supremacy, capitalism, yeah. 1984 01:35:29,351 --> 01:35:31,230 People telling us things that we all need to hear 1985 01:35:31,254 --> 01:35:32,265 and start talking about... 1986 01:35:32,289 --> 01:35:34,222 I feel like it's being stretched right now, 1987 01:35:34,257 --> 01:35:38,325 because anybody is using the term "body positivity" 1988 01:35:38,360 --> 01:35:41,933 to describe how they look nowadays, 1989 01:35:41,968 --> 01:35:43,396 and it's not fair for the women 1990 01:35:43,431 --> 01:35:45,805 who are still being marginalized 1991 01:35:45,840 --> 01:35:48,500 because we're still fighting to be seen 1992 01:35:48,535 --> 01:35:49,908 in mainstream media. 1993 01:35:52,341 --> 01:36:00,341 ♪ 1994 01:36:04,320 --> 01:36:07,156 Body positivity is a political movement 1995 01:36:07,191 --> 01:36:10,423 that tries to celebrate people with marginalized bodies 1996 01:36:10,458 --> 01:36:12,799 and gives them the space to express themselves 1997 01:36:12,834 --> 01:36:15,494 and to feel beautiful and to have their voice heard. 1998 01:36:15,529 --> 01:36:20,169 So, for fat and people of color and disabled folks, 1999 01:36:20,204 --> 01:36:23,403 that's a really important origin of body positivity, 2000 01:36:23,438 --> 01:36:25,350 and it's kind of become a little bit watered down 2001 01:36:25,374 --> 01:36:27,209 in the way that brands talk about themselves 2002 01:36:27,244 --> 01:36:28,914 as being body positive, when they still 2003 01:36:28,949 --> 01:36:30,949 only really celebrate or represent 2004 01:36:30,984 --> 01:36:33,985 quite restrictive type of body. 2005 01:36:45,493 --> 01:36:46,525 One, two, three. 2006 01:36:46,560 --> 01:36:49,297 Yeah! 2007 01:36:49,332 --> 01:36:51,970 In many ways, diet culture is rebranding itself 2008 01:36:52,005 --> 01:36:54,599 and it's trying to appear like it is for women, 2009 01:36:54,634 --> 01:36:56,271 such as Weight Watchers becoming 2010 01:36:56,306 --> 01:36:57,844 a new wellness initiative 2011 01:36:57,879 --> 01:37:01,243 or Special K trying to bolster women 2012 01:37:01,278 --> 01:37:03,146 to energize them with food, 2013 01:37:03,181 --> 01:37:05,951 and it's that sneaky side of it, 2014 01:37:05,986 --> 01:37:08,217 where people think that they are rebelling 2015 01:37:08,252 --> 01:37:10,087 against diet culture all the while 2016 01:37:10,122 --> 01:37:13,860 reinforcing that their value is based on the way they look. 2017 01:37:13,895 --> 01:37:16,456 Businesses can do a lot to reduce 2018 01:37:16,491 --> 01:37:18,524 some of the toxicity that they're putting out 2019 01:37:18,559 --> 01:37:20,999 because, obviously, they have huge influence 2020 01:37:21,034 --> 01:37:23,837 in how people view themselves. 2021 01:37:27,139 --> 01:37:28,435 I miss you guys so much! 2022 01:37:28,470 --> 01:37:31,009 Um, if you want to make a change in your life, 2023 01:37:31,044 --> 01:37:35,409 you have to be determined to make that change. 2024 01:37:35,444 --> 01:37:38,082 You can't wait for, like, New Year's to come around 2025 01:37:38,117 --> 01:37:39,250 because it doesn't work. 2026 01:37:39,285 --> 01:37:42,449 If you want to make a change, you just got to make it. 2027 01:37:42,484 --> 01:37:45,287 Like a cake! 2028 01:37:45,322 --> 01:37:48,092 Like a cake, like a bloody cake! 2029 01:37:48,127 --> 01:37:49,236 What are you gonna do about it, 2030 01:37:49,260 --> 01:37:50,930 You know what I mean? 2031 01:37:52,461 --> 01:37:55,066 To be body positive is to be inclusive 2032 01:37:55,101 --> 01:37:57,431 of every... every single body 2033 01:37:57,466 --> 01:38:00,236 because we all struggle with insecurities. Why? 2034 01:38:00,271 --> 01:38:02,073 Because we're all governed and controlled 2035 01:38:02,108 --> 01:38:04,570 and taught what to like by the media, 2036 01:38:04,605 --> 01:38:06,242 which is not our friend. 2037 01:38:06,277 --> 01:38:08,244 Through social media, we are changing things 2038 01:38:08,279 --> 01:38:11,313 and making it so much more powerful. 2039 01:38:11,348 --> 01:38:12,413 ♪ 2040 01:38:12,448 --> 01:38:15,086 Another here! 2041 01:38:15,121 --> 01:38:16,560 I think the whole non-diet movement 2042 01:38:16,584 --> 01:38:18,188 is really, really growing. 2043 01:38:18,223 --> 01:38:20,025 I think it's going to grow in popularity 2044 01:38:20,060 --> 01:38:21,653 over the next couple of years. 2045 01:38:21,688 --> 01:38:24,931 I do think there will be a backlash to that 2046 01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,229 by the diet industry 2047 01:38:26,264 --> 01:38:28,099 because it's such a huge industry 2048 01:38:28,134 --> 01:38:32,565 and because people are still very attached to this idea 2049 01:38:32,600 --> 01:38:35,337 that being thin is better, 2050 01:38:35,372 --> 01:38:37,108 and there's gonna be a backlash 2051 01:38:37,143 --> 01:38:38,615 in the sense that people will be so reluctant 2052 01:38:38,639 --> 01:38:41,541 to let that go that they will double down on that. 2053 01:38:51,322 --> 01:38:53,553 Personally, dream life 2054 01:38:53,588 --> 01:38:57,095 is that bodies are completely irrelevant, 2055 01:38:57,130 --> 01:38:59,999 that we can just acknowledge that we all have this thing 2056 01:39:00,034 --> 01:39:05,466 that we're somehow blind to it, that we just... 2057 01:39:05,501 --> 01:39:07,699 I mean, who we are as people is all that's relevant. 2058 01:39:07,734 --> 01:39:09,536 That's how it feels to me 2059 01:39:09,571 --> 01:39:12,506 is that who I am as a person and my actions 2060 01:39:12,541 --> 01:39:14,607 and my authenticity, 2061 01:39:14,642 --> 01:39:17,049 that's what's valuable about me. 2062 01:39:17,084 --> 01:39:20,382 My body is entirely irrelevant. 2063 01:39:30,196 --> 01:39:32,427 Hi! 2064 01:39:32,462 --> 01:39:36,134 - Oh, it's so good to meet you. - So good to meet you too. 2065 01:39:36,169 --> 01:39:38,268 - Are you excited today? - I'm so excited. 2066 01:39:38,303 --> 01:39:40,072 I can't wait to get shooting. 2067 01:39:40,107 --> 01:39:43,537 Oh, I'm feeling exposed. 2068 01:39:43,572 --> 01:39:45,242 Nice to meet you completely naked. 2069 01:39:45,277 --> 01:39:47,475 Yes, you too, great, great body. 2070 01:39:47,510 --> 01:39:49,279 Thanks, babe, and to you. 2071 01:39:49,314 --> 01:39:51,479 Girl, thank you. 2072 01:39:51,514 --> 01:39:53,184 I've been working out, you know, 2073 01:39:53,219 --> 01:39:56,682 eating a couple less muffins. 2074 01:39:56,717 --> 01:39:58,684 It's really important to think about things 2075 01:39:58,719 --> 01:40:01,654 like race, class, social status 2076 01:40:01,689 --> 01:40:03,128 when we're thinking about bodies 2077 01:40:03,163 --> 01:40:04,096 and understanding bodies 2078 01:40:04,131 --> 01:40:06,428 because we can't get away from the fact 2079 01:40:06,463 --> 01:40:08,067 that bodies are political, 2080 01:40:08,102 --> 01:40:11,433 how we view bodies in society are political, 2081 01:40:11,468 --> 01:40:13,699 are socially informed. 2082 01:40:16,209 --> 01:40:21,080 I'm already a bottle deep, just to be clear. 2083 01:40:21,115 --> 01:40:23,577 I'm only having so much fun exploring my body 2084 01:40:23,612 --> 01:40:25,810 because I'm doing it on my own terms. 2085 01:40:25,845 --> 01:40:27,713 I can't listen to my mom anymore. 2086 01:40:27,748 --> 01:40:29,363 I don't speak to her, but I can't listen 2087 01:40:29,387 --> 01:40:32,157 to that voice that is the voice of my mother. 2088 01:40:32,192 --> 01:40:34,291 I can't listen to friends and other people 2089 01:40:34,326 --> 01:40:36,590 because they have had different experiences. 2090 01:40:36,625 --> 01:40:40,792 The only person who I can listen to is me. 2091 01:40:48,835 --> 01:40:54,080 ♪ 2092 01:40:54,115 --> 01:40:55,708 I have... I'll have weeks 2093 01:40:55,743 --> 01:40:59,415 where I just eat takeout 2094 01:40:59,450 --> 01:41:02,352 and I'm just... I've just got a hectic week 2095 01:41:02,387 --> 01:41:04,849 and I've just got to grab something quick. 2096 01:41:04,884 --> 01:41:08,622 But, like, you know, like we're all "burning calories," 2097 01:41:08,657 --> 01:41:13,627 like food is fuel, and if you're moving, 2098 01:41:13,662 --> 01:41:15,563 whatever you're doing, 2099 01:41:15,598 --> 01:41:18,467 you need that fuel to keep you going. 2100 01:41:18,502 --> 01:41:20,832 Just eat, like... 2101 01:41:20,867 --> 01:41:23,538 ♪ 2102 01:41:23,573 --> 01:41:25,573 If I feel good, I eat. 2103 01:41:25,608 --> 01:41:28,576 If I don't feel good, I eat. 2104 01:41:28,611 --> 01:41:31,546 Like, it varies, sometimes I have a very balanced diet, 2105 01:41:31,581 --> 01:41:34,252 sometimes I don't like everybody else. 2106 01:41:34,287 --> 01:41:39,224 So it all depends on my mood, how I'm feeling, 2107 01:41:39,259 --> 01:41:40,753 if I'm going hard in the gym, 2108 01:41:40,788 --> 01:41:42,887 if I'm not going hard in the gym. 2109 01:41:42,922 --> 01:41:46,792 I think in terms of like emotions I will eat, 2110 01:41:46,827 --> 01:41:50,301 but I do always try to make a conscious effort 2111 01:41:50,336 --> 01:41:53,898 to mind what I eat, but I do like a cake. 2112 01:41:53,933 --> 01:41:54,866 I do like cake. 2113 01:41:54,901 --> 01:41:56,505 It's my favorite thing. 2114 01:41:59,411 --> 01:42:02,412 We can find our baseline or a set point weight 2115 01:42:02,447 --> 01:42:03,908 which, by the way, fluctuates. 2116 01:42:03,943 --> 01:42:07,186 It's not actually a number, it's a range. 2117 01:42:07,221 --> 01:42:08,847 And we can find that by re-engaging 2118 01:42:08,882 --> 01:42:12,323 with our body signals, and there's no way of knowing 2119 01:42:12,358 --> 01:42:15,755 what your set point weight is until you're there. 2120 01:42:19,365 --> 01:42:21,365 Oi! Oi! 2121 01:42:23,798 --> 01:42:27,272 ♪ 2122 01:42:27,307 --> 01:42:29,472 One thing I love to measure as success in my clients 2123 01:42:29,507 --> 01:42:32,178 is how do they feel mentally and physically? 2124 01:42:32,213 --> 01:42:33,542 What are their energy levels like 2125 01:42:33,577 --> 01:42:34,774 on a day-to-day basis? 2126 01:42:34,809 --> 01:42:36,611 How well are they sleeping? 2127 01:42:36,646 --> 01:42:39,251 How's their relationship to their family? 2128 01:42:39,286 --> 01:42:41,616 How's their relationship with food? 2129 01:42:41,651 --> 01:42:44,817 Those, to me, seem far more powerful indicators 2130 01:42:44,852 --> 01:42:48,227 of what health is than ever just being, 2131 01:42:48,262 --> 01:42:50,757 "Oh, look how lean I am," or, "Look how, you know, 2132 01:42:50,792 --> 01:42:51,758 you can see my six-pack, 2133 01:42:51,793 --> 01:42:53,364 or, "Look how big my arms are." 2134 01:42:53,399 --> 01:42:55,366 Those things are all very superficial. 2135 01:42:55,401 --> 01:42:57,500 - In the morning. - Are you? 2136 01:42:57,535 --> 01:42:58,435 Woo-hoo-hoo! 2137 01:42:58,470 --> 01:43:03,671 ♪ 2138 01:43:03,706 --> 01:43:06,905 So I would say now my diet is incredibly varied. 2139 01:43:06,940 --> 01:43:08,940 I have no food rules. 2140 01:43:08,975 --> 01:43:11,448 There are no good foods, there are no bad foods, 2141 01:43:11,483 --> 01:43:15,287 there are no foods I can or cannot eat. 2142 01:43:15,322 --> 01:43:18,224 That has been utterly liberating for me. 2143 01:43:18,259 --> 01:43:20,589 And based on how I feel now, 2144 01:43:20,624 --> 01:43:22,987 that's how I educate my clients 2145 01:43:23,022 --> 01:43:25,660 and educate my followers on social media platforms 2146 01:43:25,695 --> 01:43:29,433 to apply those same principles. 2147 01:43:29,468 --> 01:43:31,732 Okay. 2148 01:43:35,441 --> 01:43:40,543 ♪ 2149 01:43:40,578 --> 01:43:43,546 So, some people, they'll come into treatment 2150 01:43:43,581 --> 01:43:48,386 and they will say, "Maybe, maybe, you know, 2151 01:43:48,421 --> 01:43:49,882 I just didn't try hard enough, 2152 01:43:49,917 --> 01:43:53,017 and actually, if I put everything I know together 2153 01:43:53,052 --> 01:43:55,426 and do it one more time, then it will just be easier," 2154 01:43:55,461 --> 01:43:58,693 but that, again, is part of that fear 2155 01:43:58,728 --> 01:44:03,302 of giving up this promise that we clung to for so long 2156 01:44:03,337 --> 01:44:05,029 about a quick fix or an easier way out 2157 01:44:05,064 --> 01:44:08,439 than going into the deep, 2158 01:44:08,474 --> 01:44:11,508 messy, painful, emotional stuff. 2159 01:44:11,543 --> 01:44:14,038 And, sometimes, you know, sometimes people just need 2160 01:44:14,073 --> 01:44:16,414 to be disappointed, you know, 2161 01:44:16,449 --> 01:44:18,449 they need to try that one last diet 2162 01:44:18,484 --> 01:44:20,011 and see that it still hasn't worked 2163 01:44:20,046 --> 01:44:22,288 and it still doesn't change anything 2164 01:44:22,323 --> 01:44:25,390 for them to come back and say, "Okay, I'm done. 2165 01:44:25,425 --> 01:44:27,018 I'm divorcing diets, 2166 01:44:27,053 --> 01:44:28,657 and I'm ready to start my new life 2167 01:44:28,692 --> 01:44:31,495 and my new relationship with myself." 2168 01:44:31,530 --> 01:44:36,027 ♪ 2169 01:44:36,062 --> 01:44:37,534 I think it's also really important 2170 01:44:37,569 --> 01:44:39,635 to keep your own family dynamics going, 2171 01:44:39,670 --> 01:44:43,804 because it's very damaging to family relationships. 2172 01:44:43,839 --> 01:44:49,073 And I've taken up every course in town 2173 01:44:49,108 --> 01:44:51,779 and I learned a lot. 2174 01:44:51,814 --> 01:44:54,815 Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. 2175 01:44:54,850 --> 01:44:58,555 But it's been a very long journey. 2176 01:44:58,590 --> 01:45:01,393 ♪ 2177 01:45:01,428 --> 01:45:05,991 But... but now it does feel so much better, and... 2178 01:45:06,026 --> 01:45:07,894 ♪ 2179 01:45:07,929 --> 01:45:11,733 I'm incredibly proud of... 2180 01:45:11,768 --> 01:45:15,869 of what Hannah does every day. 2181 01:45:15,904 --> 01:45:20,940 And I kind of know that she'll get there on her own now. 2182 01:45:20,975 --> 01:45:28,975 ♪ 2183 01:45:34,153 --> 01:45:36,527 ♪ 2184 01:45:36,562 --> 01:45:40,025 For me, more than anti-diet, more than anything else, 2185 01:45:40,060 --> 01:45:44,832 the key to finding some sense of healing 2186 01:45:44,867 --> 01:45:46,669 has been through compassion, 2187 01:45:46,704 --> 01:45:49,771 non-judgmental compassion and kindness. 2188 01:45:49,806 --> 01:45:52,675 I mean it's pretty incredible the extremes 2189 01:45:52,710 --> 01:45:55,711 that my body's been through and, yet, here it is, 2190 01:45:55,746 --> 01:45:57,647 I'm still surviving. 2191 01:45:57,682 --> 01:46:00,078 So, you know, I just have to take 2192 01:46:00,113 --> 01:46:01,783 what I can be grateful for, 2193 01:46:01,818 --> 01:46:03,785 acknowledge the days that are really difficult 2194 01:46:03,820 --> 01:46:06,656 and just, you know, keep moving on. 2195 01:46:06,691 --> 01:46:09,989 ♪ 2196 01:46:10,024 --> 01:46:11,661 I think that the fact that my family 2197 01:46:11,696 --> 01:46:15,126 never gave up hope that things could be different 2198 01:46:15,161 --> 01:46:17,029 is the reason why I'm here today 2199 01:46:17,064 --> 01:46:21,935 because had they not, had they not believed in me, 2200 01:46:21,970 --> 01:46:24,069 I wouldn't... I didn't believe in myself, 2201 01:46:24,104 --> 01:46:25,873 so I needed my family, 2202 01:46:25,908 --> 01:46:28,810 and I had some really great friends as well 2203 01:46:28,845 --> 01:46:31,483 who always told me that things could be different 2204 01:46:31,518 --> 01:46:34,013 and that it didn't have to be that way, 2205 01:46:34,048 --> 01:46:36,422 and I think because of that... 2206 01:46:36,457 --> 01:46:37,687 ♪ 2207 01:46:37,722 --> 01:46:39,117 I am here now. 2208 01:46:39,152 --> 01:46:43,594 ♪ 2209 01:46:43,629 --> 01:46:46,465 I started to realize that even though 2210 01:46:46,500 --> 01:46:48,632 I have been through a lot and the trauma is deep, 2211 01:46:48,667 --> 01:46:49,897 I don't like pity parties. 2212 01:46:49,932 --> 01:46:51,096 Then, I tried to see, well, 2213 01:46:51,131 --> 01:46:52,867 everyone's been through some stuff. 2214 01:46:52,902 --> 01:46:54,506 Everyone's got trauma, 2215 01:46:54,541 --> 01:46:56,541 everyone's family lives haven't been perfect, 2216 01:46:56,576 --> 01:46:58,180 everyone struggles with their eating habits, 2217 01:46:58,204 --> 01:46:59,940 everyone struggles with their insecurities 2218 01:46:59,975 --> 01:47:01,711 and their appearance, okay. 2219 01:47:01,746 --> 01:47:04,813 So if I'm getting this healing 2220 01:47:04,848 --> 01:47:07,486 and I feel like I've been at the bottom of the heap, 2221 01:47:07,521 --> 01:47:10,181 there's no way that everyone can't get it themselves 2222 01:47:10,216 --> 01:47:13,525 because we have all been underestimated 2223 01:47:13,560 --> 01:47:16,528 in some way, shape, or form. 2224 01:47:16,563 --> 01:47:18,156 And to be underestimated 2225 01:47:18,191 --> 01:47:20,598 is one of the greatest vantage points, 2226 01:47:20,633 --> 01:47:22,534 because no one is looking at you, 2227 01:47:22,569 --> 01:47:26,098 so you take your time, you observe, and like me, 2228 01:47:26,133 --> 01:47:29,541 you ride in on a chariot of fire. 2229 01:47:29,576 --> 01:47:31,708 If I can put this body out there 2230 01:47:31,743 --> 01:47:35,206 that has been violated publicly and in private, 2231 01:47:35,241 --> 01:47:38,011 that I have violated myself sometimes 2232 01:47:38,046 --> 01:47:40,519 and my self-harm and the issues that I have, 2233 01:47:40,554 --> 01:47:43,621 if this can reach any amount of love, 2234 01:47:43,656 --> 01:47:46,624 if this can get on stage at Glastonbury... 2235 01:47:51,763 --> 01:47:53,499 ♪ 2236 01:47:53,534 --> 01:47:57,030 If I can, then, yeah, I will wave this flag, 2237 01:47:57,065 --> 01:47:59,736 scream on the top of rooftops and shout 2238 01:47:59,771 --> 01:48:01,870 and be that champion for everyone else, 2239 01:48:01,905 --> 01:48:05,742 because I can't keep this happiness to myself. 2240 01:48:05,777 --> 01:48:08,613 Nah, that'd be too selfish. 2241 01:48:08,648 --> 01:48:10,648 You get a bag! You get a bag! 2242 01:48:10,683 --> 01:48:13,046 You get... you know, everyone gets a piece of it. 2243 01:48:15,688 --> 01:48:18,051 ♪ 2244 01:48:18,086 --> 01:48:20,658 So I'm hoping that we get to a point 2245 01:48:20,693 --> 01:48:24,123 where this topic is talked about so frequently 2246 01:48:24,158 --> 01:48:27,258 that it becomes normal to talk about it and it's okay 2247 01:48:27,293 --> 01:48:30,096 and it becomes normal to say, "Yeah, I have a problem 2248 01:48:30,131 --> 01:48:32,032 with my relationship with food. 2249 01:48:32,067 --> 01:48:34,606 I would like it to improve." 2250 01:48:34,641 --> 01:48:35,641 ♪ 2251 01:48:35,675 --> 01:48:37,642 It becomes normal to say, 2252 01:48:37,677 --> 01:48:40,040 "Yeah, I'm afraid of being fat, 2253 01:48:40,075 --> 01:48:42,207 and I'd like to work out whether that fear 2254 01:48:42,242 --> 01:48:45,012 is coming from a real place." 2255 01:48:45,047 --> 01:48:46,717 We don't all need to change overnight, 2256 01:48:46,752 --> 01:48:49,247 but we need to be willing to talk about it. 2257 01:48:49,282 --> 01:48:57,282 ♪ 2258 01:49:19,719 --> 01:49:22,115 Unsubscribe from... 2259 01:49:22,150 --> 01:49:23,952 From the thin ideal. 2260 01:49:23,987 --> 01:49:26,757 Other people's expectations of you. 2261 01:49:26,792 --> 01:49:29,925 Unsubscribe from social media. 2262 01:49:29,960 --> 01:49:31,157 ♪ 2263 01:49:31,192 --> 01:49:32,796 From women's magazines. 2264 01:49:32,831 --> 01:49:34,325 Food guilt. 2265 01:49:34,360 --> 01:49:37,801 Unsubscribe from... 2266 01:49:37,836 --> 01:49:42,069 From the idea that fat equals unhealthy. 2267 01:49:42,104 --> 01:49:44,236 Conformity. 2268 01:49:44,271 --> 01:49:47,811 Unsubscribe from... 2269 01:49:47,846 --> 01:49:49,142 ♪ 2270 01:49:49,177 --> 01:49:51,716 Hang on, I'm gonna think about that for a second. 2271 01:49:51,751 --> 01:49:53,652 Unsubscribe from accounts on social media 2272 01:49:53,687 --> 01:49:55,984 that you make you feel bad about yourself. 2273 01:49:56,019 --> 01:49:57,348 Punishing your body. 2274 01:49:57,383 --> 01:50:00,989 Society's standard of beauty. 2275 01:50:01,024 --> 01:50:04,663 From white supremacy and fatphobia. 2276 01:50:04,698 --> 01:50:06,929 Unsubscribe from the voice in your head 2277 01:50:06,964 --> 01:50:10,933 that wasn't yours in the first place. 2278 01:50:10,968 --> 01:50:15,168 How about just unsubscribe from self-loathing? 2279 01:50:15,203 --> 01:50:17,973 Instagram accounts that don't back up claims 2280 01:50:18,008 --> 01:50:20,943 with evidence like the Medical Medium, 2281 01:50:20,978 --> 01:50:23,407 anything that promotes celery juice, 2282 01:50:23,442 --> 01:50:26,685 and anything that makes you feel bad in your person 2283 01:50:26,720 --> 01:50:29,919 or body or health status. 2284 01:50:29,954 --> 01:50:34,121 Being pressured by diet culture. 2285 01:50:34,156 --> 01:50:42,156 ♪