Downloaded from YTS.MX
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[animals chittering]
[expectant music playing]
[instrumental hip-hop music playing]
-[music continues] -[animals chittering]
-[audience clapping] -[hip-hop theme playing]
[host] Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Khalid Bounouar!
-[hip-hop theme continues] -[audience cheering]
[chuckling] Whoa!
Hey! DJ Wati, man!
Awesome, awesome!
We're finally allowed to perform again.
I'm so happy to be back out here. It's so awesome.
It's so crazy, dude!
This coronavirus is doing us in.
It was so crazy at the peak of corona.
You're stuck with your family the whole time.
I had it real bad. There were 48 of us in one room.
All siblings. It was really hard.
Then all my friends called at once. They called every day.
Everyone was bored with nothing to do.
They all started to call me every day.
But not normal calls. No, they were video calls.
All of sudden, we had WhatsApp group video calls.
One person calls everyone for a video call.
And don't think they called to ask how you're doing. No!
The first thing my fellow desert people asked me was,
"Brother, you need masks?"
[audience laughing]
They wanted to palm masks off on me.
Even the hospitals and pharmacies were out.
But my desert friends had masks.
They all had masks and good prices.
They were real experts and would negotiate with you.
Let's be real.
Everyone here tonight is a mask expert now.
We know everything about them.
Which ones there are, their names.
We didn't know anything a year ago.
Now we know. There are FFP2s with or without filter.
There are KN95s. There are surgical masks.
There are reusable masks, non-reusable masks.
Cotton masks, polyester masks, synthetic masks.
Masks you can only wash at 70 degrees. I swear, brother. Only at 70!
-[audience laughing] -No more, no less.
If they shrink in the dryer, that's your fault.
Use them to keep your balls warm.
[audience clapping]
We know everything about masks.
We're mask pros now.
While we're on the topic,
if any of you need masks, I'll be out front after the show.
I have good masks at half price. Just for you.
I'm happy to get to do a set in Cologne.
It's nice.
Let's be real. I like Cologne, but the train station is a disaster.
I was there today
and some guy greeted me from far away.
He didn't greet me by name.
He just greeted me with his eyebrows. You know what I mean?
Like this…
That was it. I'm polite, so I greeted him back.
-I was like… -[audience chuckling]
So we had a conversation with our eyebrows. He said…
And I said…
It was a real conversation.
The thing is I can tell by someone's expression
if they know me from TV
or if they know me personally.
His expression said,
"I know you personally."
But I don't know who it was. I didn't know.
I thought, "Where do I know him from?" I'd be embarrassed to ask.
Imagine I ask how he knows me,
and he sat next to me for six years at school.
So embarrassing.
So I didn't ask.
I thought about it, then he took a step toward me.
Our eyebrows still up here conversing.
I too take a step toward him and think,
"Fuck! How do I know him? Maybe he's one of my cousins."
I have a huge family.
He gets closer, and closer, and I think,
"How do I know him?"
Then he reaches out his hand, and I do the same.
Our eyebrows still up here.
We smile at each other, and I think,
"How do I know him?" He could be one of my siblings.
I have so many siblings that I sometimes google their names.
We're shaking hands and I think, "Who is this?"
I eventually pull my hand back
and take a look to find €20.
I was like, "Huh?" He was like, "I thought you were selling."
[audience laughing and clapping]
The thing is, I then did sell him some,
but I still don't know who he was.
While we're on the topic,
if any of you need weed, I'll be out front after the show.
I have masks and weed at half price.
I have FFP2s with a filter.
It has a box you can put the weed in, then inhale.
Just say no to viruses.
[audience clapping]
Oh, nice.
As for my descent,
I'm half Moroccan, half Algerian, which means I hate myself.
Yeah.
For the people who know something about politics.
[audience laughing]
To be honest, I don't want to be a Turk anymore.
That was the most confusing transition you've ever seen.
Everyone was like, "Huh?"
He was just Moroccan/Algerian, now a Turk?
I know I'm not a Turk, but I don't want to be one anymore.
The thing is lots of people think I'm Turkish.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't take it the wrong way if a German German thinks I'm Turkish.
I don't see the difference between Germans and the Dutch.
The ones who annoy me are the Turks who think I'm a Turk.
[audience laughing]
Because ever since I was little,
Turks come up to me and ask,
"Sen Türk müsün?"
Which means, "Are you Turkish?"
Ever since the second grade they ask me, in Germany,
in Turkish…
if I'm Turkish.
I never got it.
I eventually asked my Turkish friends what it meant.
They'd say, "Yeah, Khalid. They're asking if you're Turkish."
"What should I say?" "Say, 'Yok, ben Marok.'"
Which means in German,
"No, I'm Moroccan."
So each time a Turk asked if I'm Turkish, I said,
"Yok, ben Marok."
One time I went through Cologne and everyone asked,
[repeating] "Sen Türk müsün?" "Yok, ben Marok."
I accidentally walked through a Turkish protest.
[audience laughing]
I had a Moroccan flag on. They were confused, a bit confused.
But I have to admit I speak a little Turkish
because I grew up with so many Turks.
As we all did in Germany.
[audience laughing]
Which means
when I enter a store where Turks work,
I talk to them in Turkish.
I greet them in Turkish. I pull out my best Turkish.
I enter and say to the owner,
-"Sa­lamu alai­kum." -[audience chuckling]
You have to do this.
It's part of the Turkish language. It's the Turkish flow.
I enter and say, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
Some of you are thinking,
"That's the Arabic peace greeting. 'Peace be with you.'"
Right, but what you just saw was the Turkish version.
Because the Arab says… [in deep voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
The Turk says… [in reedy voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
With a few extra U's.
The Arab is serious… [in deep voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
The Turk grins… [in reedy voice] "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
I greet him and he greets me back.
[in reedy voice] "Alaikum salam."
[audience laughing and clapping]
[laughs] I ask him in Turkish…
I ask him, "How are you doing?" I say…
"Nasılsın?"
He responds in Turkish,
"İyiyim, sen nasılsın?"
Turkish for, "Good. How about you?"
So I answer,
"İyiyim, Allah’a şükür."
Turkish for, "Good. Thanks be to God."
Then he asks,
"Napıyon?"
Turkish for, "What are you doing?"
And that's it.
That's all the Turkish I know.
The only thing I remember is, "Yok ben Marok."
[audience laughing]
He thought I was messing with him.
Another thing I know in Turkish is,
"Where is your girlfriend?"
Really funny, right?
"Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"
"Where's your girlfriend?" Hilarious.
I asked a Turk that on the street.
I didn't know him. He didn't think it was funny.
He walked by me and I said, "Hey, Mehmet, Murat, Ali, Hakan?"
"Yeah?" "There, Hakan! I knew it."
Hakan, brother. [imitates kissing]
"Abi senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"
He was confused. He was like…
"Huh? Why are you asking about her?"
"Do you know my girlfriend?"
The thing is I'm waiting for him to ask
where my girlfriend is because I have an awesome answer.
Incredibly funny.
Anyone know Turkish in the first row? You? You know Turkish?
I'll ask you where your girlfriend is,
then you ask me where mine is.
My answer is the best. You'll die laughing.
If not, that's on you. You have no humor.
My answer is great. Are you ready? Okay? What's your name?
Akif?
Akif? Okay. Wonderful name.
-Do you have a girlfriend? -No.
No? Could be because of your name.
-[audience laughing] -No, we'll continue-- Okay.
Okay, are you ready?
Okay. You don't have a girlfriend. Got it. Akif.
Akif, brother!
Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?
[Akif speaking indistinctly]
"Benim kız arkadaşım evde ekmek yapilir."
This means, "My girlfriend is at home making bread."
Until a Turkish girl came to me and said, "That's discriminatory."
Now I only say, "She's making bread." She gets to decide where.
[audience clapping]
I'm not a Turk who controls his girlfriend!
I'm not even Turkish!
[audience laughing]
Young man, I love your laugh.
-What's your name? -Maurice.
-"Maurice." Are you German? -Yeah.
-Is that your girlfriend? -Yeah.
She has a German passport?
-[Maurice] Yes. -Yes!
I'm proud of you.
That's all that counts. I'm going to ask you where she is.
Okay?
And you answer in Turkish.
This is how you say, "My girlfriend is here."
"Benim kız arkadaş."
Or more simply, “Kız arkadaşım burada."
Okay? Are you ready?
"Kız," K-I-Z. "Arkadaşım."
"Kız," K-I-Z.
Girl.
"Arkadaşım."
Friend, girlfriend.
Now you get it, right?
"Kız arkadaşım burada."
Like Burda publishing but roll the R.
Burda.
Are you ready? Maurice, right?
-[Maurice] Yes. -Everyone be quiet.
He needs lots of energy. I believe in you.
[imitates kissing] Maurice, brother!
Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?
[Maurice] Kız arkadaşım burada.
Huge applause for Maurice.
-[audience cheering] -Very good.
Very good!
I'm proud of you.
That was great.
Did you see that?
My parents came to Germany in the '60s and '70s as guest workers.
Today I'm on a stage in Cologne teaching Turkish to a German.
That's what I call integration.
[audience cheering]
And I'm not even Turkish!
I could have taught it to you in Moroccan.
In Moroccan, we say,
[exaggerated] "Ferha Sahbtik."
Four burnouts in two words.
What I'm saying is
our parents went through a lot and started something.
Our job is to carry it on. I am Khalid Bounouar.
RebellComedy for life.
[audience cheering]
[hip-hop theme playing]
[host] Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Salim Samatou!
-[hip-hop theme continues] -[audience cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, guys. Thank you so much.
I'm almost brought to tears to be here.
Thank you. I can hardly believe it, that I'm back in civilization.
Until two weeks ago, I was stranded in Bangladesh.
I couldn't get out. It was a disaster.
All of my Instagram followers know this is a big, fat lie.
-But… -[audience laughing]
[laughing] No, really. I was visiting family over there.
I'm from Bangladesh according to Wikipedia.
I really wanted to go and…
Who's been there?
Don't go. Not ever. Go to the Primark sales department.
-No difference. I swear. -[audience chuckling]
It's a one-for-one Bangladesh simulator.
Only one airline flies to Bangladesh.
The airline is seriously called…
[in funny accent] "Gardidi Air." That's it.
The world's most ghetto airlines.
Even bus drivers laugh at them. What a disaster.
"How ghetto?", you ask?
The stewardesses ask me for food. What the hell is that?
[audience laughing and clapping]
"When do we get our meal?" "When will you give us food?" Disaster.
The official pilot announcement was this…
[clicks tongue] "Hello!" Over. That was it. Disaster.
-I was like, "Bro, you are…" -[audience clapping]
"Bro, you are…"
"You're a pilot. You have to say more." He said…
[in English] "You want to buy T-shirt? Two for one."
[in German] That was it.
Then he came out selling roses.
[in English] "Here, brother. Take this. Take the roses, brother."
[in German] With a picture of ghetto children.
[in English] "Here, brother, please. Take the roses."
I said, "Okay, bro. I'll take three. Let's do this."
[in German] I'm scared of flying.
I sat like this by the window keeping an eye on the turbines.
-[audience laughing] -There weren't any turbines.
Just three guys going like this. That's all.
[audience laughing and clapping]
[in English] ♪ We believe we can fly ♪
♪ I believe I can touch the sky ♪
"Oh, no! I can touch the sky! I did it!" [in German] Really, I had…
But why did I even go to Bangladesh?
[laughs] Good question.
I wanted to go backpacking. Who's been backpacking?
Not a soul. Crazy, respect!
That's exactly right because we are so culturally diverse,
and backpacking is more of a thing
that white, dirty hippies do.
-Exactly. You said it, not me. Disaster. -[audience laughing]
With armpit hair all over, no deodorant, just limes…
"Because of my carbon footprint."
They go backpacking.
You know who loves it?
One of my best friends. Really.
My wonderful Swiss colleague, Alain Frei.
Do you know him? You all do.
-[audience cheering] -Great. Wonderful.
Great. You really clapped hard.
-What's your name? -[man mutters]
What?
Kellmann? The best man. Kellmann. So awesome.
The best man, Kellmann. Do this.
You know about him.
You clapped very euphorically. Awesome.
Kellmann knows about him. You know Alain, right?
The only thing you have to know is he is the whitest person in the world.
Ask Kellmann. 100%.
He only has two levels of tanning. White and skin cancer.
I swear. He uses opaque white paint as tanning lotion.
100%. I swear.
Albinos protect him from the sun. They say…
[in funny voice] "Take me!"
Stop it, Kellmann. Don't be an asshole.
-[audience laughing] -Kellmann, dude. What are doing?
Bro.
Stop making me do it.
Total asshole behavior to make fun of his skin color
just because he's white.
#WhiteLivesMatter.
Really, people. Disaster.
When it snows for the first time, he immediately disappears.
Kellmann's words. Really.
You turn the lights out, and he's still there. Really.
He's a tutor for fireflies. Really.
The fireflies are like, "How do you do that? You're a farmer."
Enough! Kellmann, stop making me do it.
Such an asshole.
Stop it. That's enough.
We were just at the zoo. Polar bears danced with him.
They were like, "You're one of us, brother!"
-Stop it, man! Bro! -[audience clapping]
Stop it.
Such an asshole, people.
We can't keep this up, dude. Such an asshole.
He scares ghosts. Okay, that's it!
What I'm trying to say is he's Swiss.
So he came to me and said…
[in funny accent] "Salim, you have to come backpacking."
For those wondering what that was, it was perfect Swiss German. I swear.
Swiss German is just normal German,
while you waterboard Donald Duck at the same time.
That's Swiss German. I swear.
-[laughing] 100%. -[audience clapping]
100%.
Disaster. Really.
Really.
Donald here, a towel, and then…
[imitating Donald Duck] I… am… not… here.
Disaster.
If you don't believe me,
they call silverware "silverware…" [imitating Donald Duck]
Disaster. I swear on my life.
Really.
You know how awful it is touring with Alain?
Sometimes he's next to me at the hotel.
I'm just watching TV.
And there's an unlisted channel. It just flickers gray.
Like this… [imitates static] And he comes in, "Mom? Dad?"
I say, "No, bro. It's…"
-[audience clapping] -"It's the TV."
"It's the TV. It's…"
[laughs]
"Bro, it's the TV." "Mom!" Oh, God damn it.
He got the worst dog a Swiss person could have.
He got a pug.
When I visit him, I never know who's talking. Both…
Both sound the same. They're like… [imitating Donald Duck]
I'm like, "Bro, just let Donald go. What are doing?"
It was a disaster. You don't think pugs talk like the Swiss?
I called Swiss Telekom and held the pug to the phone.
They talked for 38 minutes. I swear.
100%.
[audience applauding]
Really. Disaster.
Really.
Never travel to Switzerland.
Those of you who want to travel there,
my advice is go to Austria. It's way better.
Go to Austria, just don't go to Vienna.
For "It'll knock your socks off,"
they say, "Das haut's den Beidl auf'd Seitn."
Which means, you can google it,
-"It'll knock your wiener to the side." -[audience laughing]
I swear on my life. Even women said it.
[in high-pitched voice] "It knocks my wiener to the side."
-[audience clapping] -I swear, people.
I swear.
"It knocks your wiener to the side."
African Austrians say something else. They say,
"It knocks your wiener around your hips."
I swear. Disaster. 100%.
-[laughs] -[audience clapping]
The Asians say, "It knocks my wiener back to the middle."
The middle is fine. Respect it. Really. Disaster.
You know how tiring it is eating out.
Every time the waiter, "You didn't like it?"
"No, it was good."
"Your wiener is at 7:30. I see it there."
"It has to be 6:45 or 7:15, otherwise…"
Money-back guarantee. Awesome.
I've noticed
how bad it is to live through what we're living through.
Because what's happening now,
you're all sitting here like clones, all this stuff…
[giggling] No, really.
This really is history right here.
What's happening now is history in the making.
In 2100, they will cover this in the history books.
Then we will…
one of us will show up as a contemporary witness.
A 100-year-old Jeremy Pascal who shows up,
[in funny voice] "Hi, I'm a contemporary witness."
Because…
With a tramp stamp on his belly like, "I'm a contemporary witness."
The witnesses in 2100 don't have it as good as the ones today.
When we were in school, there was always a guy from Hitler's time…
Every German was against Hitler. Of course.
All of them. There's nothing to prove it.
No one took Instagram selfies chilling with Hitler.
#ChillingWithTheHitman.
It doesn't exist. Really.
#HisHeartWasInTheRightPlace.
That stuff doesn't exist. [laughing] You know what I mean?
[audience clapping]
It doesn't exist.
They can just freestyle. They all tell the same story.
"Hitler, total asshole. I said it to his face."
"I took his little mustache and shoved it up his ass. Fuck off!"
"Come here, you piece of shit! What's your problem?"
"What's up, Göhring? You fat fuck! I hid his Big Mac."
"Gave him a pork cutlet. I hid Himmler's glasses."
[mockingly] "I'm the master race." That's was their story.
The worst will be when today's influencers
are influencers in 2100.
But old influencers who run around at 100 saying,
"Hey, guys. You need a catheter too? Then swipe up and reserve one."
-"Catheter." -[audience laughing]
"Swipe up."
"Please, guys."
"You can't get it up either? Swipe up!"
"Use the code 'floppydick' to get 20% off. Get it now!"
-[audience clapping] -[laughing]
So, guys, today's lesson is
don't go to Austria,
nor to Zürich, just go to Japan.
Japan is the best country. Who's been?
Two people, respect.
-Where in Japan? -[man mutters]
Tokyo. That's also what I would've said if I had never been.
He just freestyled it. The best. Awesome.
He can confirm. Really.
They've figured it out. Really.
Whereas we, during corona…
Have you seen the people hoarding toilet paper?
"What? A deadly virus? I have to take care of my asshole!"
"What about my asshole? How will I clean my asshole?"
The Muslims were like,
"Bro, just take a watering can and shut your damn mouth."
-[tapping mic] -[audience clapping]
There you go.
Not Japan. They've reached the end level.
No toilet paper, no watering cans.
They just have toilets that shoot out an automatized rain dance.
You're sitting there, you hit a button, then get a Japanese rain dance.
[imitating rain dance]
I swear. You get a water-gun in your ass. That's it.
I swear.
No, really.
[audience clapping]
You look in the toilet
and see Squirtle and Blastoise in there practicing.
"Three more asses and we're ready for the tour."
I told a Japanese guy,
"Bro, that's all well and good with…" [imitating rain dance]
"It really knocks my wiener around my hips. It's awesome."
"But where's the toilet paper?"
He flipped out,
"You fucking Westerners,
you kill millions of trees past your ass down the toilet!"
"You're a disgrace to humanity."
I was like, "Calm down, dolphin killer."
"Why are you even talking, dude?"
"Bro, you just ate a whale sandwich. Calm down, dude."
"Why don't you shush yourself, dude?"
The Japanese can't compare themselves to us.
What do they eat all day?
Fish, rice, miso soup is all you get there.
If that's all you eat all day, you'll shit like a sheep.
Their bowel movements take three seconds.
-[imitates rapid pooping] -That's it.
One squat and it's all out.
[imitates rapid pooping]
That's how they came up with Sumo.
Like this. [imitates pooping]
That's it.
These Japanese people don't know what it's like
to stuff your face with a kebab at 3:00 a.m.
Chili cheese nuggets with radioactive spicy sauce.
If you eat such radioactive shit
and you drop a Hiroshima the next day,
It might take a while to go…
-[imitating rain dance] -[audience clapping]
You will need at least a whole tree. A whole tree.
If not, it's a KO.
-Thank you. It was a pleasure. -[audience cheering]
[hip-hop theme playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, big applause for the Swiss comedian…
-Alain Frei! -[audience applauding]
Thank you!
Thanks a lot!
Thank you!
So nice! Thank you!
Thank you!
Before we get started, I'd like to say one thing.
Something very important to me.
I'm not that white.
Just to clear that up at the start.
We're so happy that this is able to take place.
-Yeah, applause for you guys. Really. -[audience cheering]
I dressed extra chic for you. Cool, right? Thanks.
You know…
my suit gets more applause than my jokes.
That's sad. "How was the show?" "Alain was chic."
[audience laughing]
"His mom will be happy."
Guys, let me be totally honest with you.
As a comedian, every show is different.
You never know what awaits you.
My most unusual show was in the south, in Nuremberg.
The audience was having such a great time, too great.
They hooted and hollered.
There was a lady in the first row laughing out of control.
She lost her shit.
She was like this the whole time… [laughs maniacally]
You know when someone laughs so hard
that you have to laugh too?
I was also like… [laughs maniacally]
Then she was like… [laughs maniacally] Then I was like… [laughs maniacally]
Then all of a sudden… boom! She falls over.
And I was like… [exclaims maniacally]
We had to interrupt the show.
They brought in a doctor.
They picked her back up.
She was feeling better, and I asked the doctor,
"What the hell just happened?"
He said,
"Mr. Frei, this woman had a laughing fit."
-[audience chuckling] -Hey, that's a real thing.
She laughed so much
that her circulatory system collapsed.
And you know the first emotion I felt, just for a millisecond?
-Pride. -[audience laughing]
It didn't last long! It was quick!
-[audience clapping] -Not long!
My mother called, "How was the show?"
"I almost killed someone! I'm so funny!"
You know what this laugh reminded me of?
There's this stereotype
where you go like this… [mock laughing]
I have buddy,
and he really does this!
He's always like…
And I know why people do that.
They know exactly how cute it looks,
and they know you can't get mad at them.
No way. I loaned Rashid my car and he said,
"Alain, I got in a wreck with your car."
I was like, "Rashid! Why did you do that?"
[mock laughing]
"Come here, little guy. You're so cute!"
I'm Swiss. We are stereotyped too. I'm so tired of them.
After a show, a guy told me,
"Hey, you Swiss people, you're all rich, right?"
And I was like…
"Yeah."
Then I bought him.
Really, he's mine now.
A little German.
He lives in my closet.
I don't ever let him out. That's the truth. He's mine!
-[audience clapping] -I bought him.
Notice that only the foreigners clapped.
They were like, "You really did that?"
[audience chuckling]
I…
I very rarely get political on stage. Rarely.
I made a few jokes about a slightly right-wing German party.
The AfD.
And not because we simply disagree.
Hey, it's democracy. You have to deal with it.
You know why I can't stand them? Because I'm too old for bullshit.
I no longer tolerate bullshit.
Things that don't make sense to me.
The AfD and Pegida had a large protest together
against the Islamization of the West.
They were running around with signs.
There was a guy in front with a huge sign saying,
these are his words, not mine, it said…
"We don't want foreign rapists!"
-No one wants that! -[audience laughing]
I don't want that either!
I've never been to a party and said, "Hey, is the rapist here yet?"
Then the doorbell rings, "Hello! It's me, the rapist!"
"Wait a second. What kind of rapist?"
"A German one!" "Come on in."
I'm too old for bullshit.
I saw there were counterprotests to the Black Lives Matter protests.
People who said,
"I don't think it's okay for them to want the same rights as us."
They interviewed a woman in the US, and she said
she didn't have anything against Black people,
she just didn't think that Black and White people belonged together.
Listen, an adult woman in the 21st century said
that she doesn't believe that Black and White go together.
Let me tell you one thing.
There's only one place in world where Black and White don't go together…
and that's the washing machine.
-It's the only place. -[audience clapping]
The only one.
Everywhere else is fine.
The only one.
The one and only.
I have an older brother.
And here's a fact for everyone with siblings.
It's been proved scientifically.
Between all siblings, there's always
a good-looking one…
and a funny one.
That's a fact. And all of you thinking, "No! That's not the case for us."
You're the funny ones.
Only the good-looking ones laughed.
-"Come on, laugh, Quasimodo." -[audience laughs]
"He's talking about you. Laugh!"
If you wonder about my situation,
you can guess.
I'm the funny one.
My brother looks good. He has the face of a model.
I hate him.
He's always been the adult.
He was born an adult. He came out in a suit with a monocle.
"Where's my bank account?" He was always grown-up.
As a child, you could send him to do anything, like shopping.
As a four-year old.
My mother was like, "Michael, could you go to the store?"
"As you wish, mother." That's how this dumbass talked.
You couldn't send me at all. "Buy milk." I get back…
"The milk?" "I drank it."
"And the change?" "I ate it."
I was such a dumb kid.
Everyone made fun of me. Everyone.
I had a neighbor with Down's syndrome.
Even he was like… [imitating lisp] "Wow, you're dumb!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
You know why I think this joke's okay?
I've worked with people who have Down's syndrome,
and they're such awesome people with such big hearts.
They love to laugh.
My neighbor laughs at this joke the most.
I think it's awesome if you can laugh at that.
I told this joke on stage once,
and a guy in the audience was like…
[laughing comically]
I said, "Look how cool this is!"
I tell this joke,
and the guy laughing the most has Down's syndrome.
He looks at me and says, "No, I don't."
[audience laughing]
It was tough.
People.
My brother…
I was dumb, but he was too.
He was only smart compared to me.
We were brothers…
We would always try to one-up each other.
With dumb stuff. Stuff that makes no sense, like,
"I can ride my bike longer than you."
"No, I can ride longer than you."
Then we rode around in circles for eight hours.
Like two complete idiots.
When people visited my mother, "Hey, how are the kids?"
"They're dumb."
"Take a look out the window."
"They've been at it for eight hours."
"The ugly one on the left, he's dumber."
[audience laughing]
-[audience clapping] -Yeah.
I was a dumb kid.
I always liked…
I liked animals and watching animal documentaries.
You learn things you'll never use again.
I saw something that I think is perfect for our time.
And this is actually true.
There's a type of starfish,
and 20% of these starfish
are born without an anus.
They don't have an asshole,
but they can survive.
They poop on the inside.
They do it their entire lives. It just builds up.
Not a problem for them.
They shit more and more. It builds up.
It keeps going up until it's at the very top,
and all they have in their head is shit.
I swear I know people who this also happens to.
-[audience laughing] -The exact same thing.
Really! Their head is full of shit.
I'll end with this. I noticed something very strange.
I noticed there are sentences in Germany.
You say them in movies but not in everyday life.
I was watching a police movie and the guy said,
"Sir, with all due respect…"
You don't say that in everyday life. I tried it out.
I was paying at Mickey D's.
She said, "Ketchup or mayonnaise?" I said, "With all due respect…
both."
This sentence is like a trick.
It's so polite,
you can do whatever you want afterwards.
Like the guy in the film,
"Sir, with all due respect, you have no idea!"
Even the other one said, "You might be right."
Try it out.
Next week, show up to work five hours late,
Come in calm as though it's nothing.
"Hey, what's up?"
When the boss asks you, "What the hell is this? Why so late?"
"Sir."
"With all due respect…
here!"
And if he gets mad, "How dare you?" Just do this…
[mock laughing]
-My dear friends, thank you for coming! -[audience clapping]
Enjoy the show! Thank you so much!
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop theme playing]
Thank you!
[host] Ladies and gentlemen, Let's welcome Hany Siam!
-[hip-hop theme continues] -[audience cheering]
Holy shit!
Stop it!
Dude!
What amazing energy! Awesome! Killer!
I'm unbelievably happy to be here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm no fan of over-the-top political correctness.
I think a lot of people have become too sensitive.
But instead of making a fuss,
I started using it to my advantage.
At some point, I started playing the race card.
But completely out of context.
I was at the movies.
There was a huge line to get popcorn.
I just cut in line, and the woman behind me was like…
"Go to the back of the line."
"Did you just call me 'nigga'?"
[audience laughing and clapping]
She said, "No, never! I like Obama!"
She eventually gave up, and I was like,
"Cool! I'll try it again."
After the movie, I went to food stand.
Another long line and I cut it once again.
Some guy back there was like, "Dude, go to the back."
I thought, "This is my chance."
"Did you just call me 'nigga'--" I was like, "Fuck!"
"He's darker than me!"
He turned the tables on me, "Did you just call me 'nigga'?"
I said, "No, never! I like Obama!"
[audience laughing]
-I ran away! I ran away! -[audience clapping]
After that, I never played the race card again.
With one exception.
Let's talk about my background first.
I actually don't talk or think about it much
because I don't define myself by it.
But I understand why many think about their background
and why it's important to them.
I recently went for a walk in town,
and a real Black African walked by.
He was walking.
Looked at me.
Nodded and went on.
I thought, "Who the hell was that? He must have gotten me confused."
A few minutes later, another Black African walked by.
He was walking.
Looked at me.
And went on.
Then, it clicked. It's something like, "Yo, brother!"
"We endured the same hardships."
"Slavery and whatnot."
Then I had such a bad conscience
because my parents are from Egypt.
Ever heard about the pyramids?
Dude, we invented slavery!
-Hey, that's… -[audience clapping]
Dude, that's like going up to Jack the Ripper and saying,
"Let's stick together. There's a killer on the loose."
But a few years ago, proof actually came out
that the pyramid builders weren't slaves,
they were workers receiving fair wages.
[whistling]
As soon as I heard about this, I thought, "Fake."
I know how Egyptians work. Some Mahmud made up some proof…
to improve Egypt's reputation.
"I swear to God, I just found this papyrus."
[audience laughing]
"The hieroglyphs say we paid everyone."
"Hold on!"
"This was written with a marker!"
"Why are Germans such squares?
[audience laughing and clapping]
"We Egyptians invented markers!"
And Black people still nod to me, and greet me, and all this stuff.
"We endured the same hardships."
I'm like, "No, dude! You endured a lot."
"You're on team…" [singing] ♪ Let my people go ♪
"I'm on team… [imitates whip cracking] 'You're going nowhere!'"
[audience clapping]
"You're going nowhere."
"No, no, no!"
To avoid this uncomfortable situation
of Black people giving me a nod and me feeling bad,
I now walk like this every time a Black person looks at me.
[audience laughing]
It works! It works!
I know a lot of you are thinking,
"The guy up there, he's a bit strange."
And you're right.
Absolutely.
Do you know what the main reason why I vote is?
Like, politics?
I have this thing that makes me want to check off boxes.
Doesn't matter which box. Check.
"Hey, Hany. Who did you vote for? SPD?"
"Among others."
I've had this thing ever since school. Really.
Remember these love letters with "Yes, no, maybe"?
When I got it, I checked them all off.
The girls actually liked it.
They were like, "Oh, my God. Hany is so mysterious."
"No, I'm just the guy from the show Monk."
I still don't get
why women are so into mysterious men.
I don't get it.
Ladies, mystery is never a good thing.
Or have you ever met a man who said,
"I have a secret to confess."
"I'm a millionaire."
"What? You're okay with that?"
"I finally found someone interested in my credit card."
Never happened!
My secret is my box-checking obsession.
This tick will be my downfall.
Do you have any idea how expensive my insurance is?
This form destroyed me!
"Please mark your pre-existing conditions."
[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]
Fuck!
"Do you have hemorrhoids?" "I do now!"
But, guys… [laughs] Guys, speaking of voting.
I think voting is extremely important…
solely to cancel out the vote of a Nazi.
Because a lot of idiots get to vote.
For example, on the internet, I recently saw a gay Nazi.
A gay Nazi!
He seriously said…
"Oh, my gosh!"
[sighs heavily]
"These Muslims…
are taking all the good men!"
-[audience laughing] -Huh?
Okay, timeout!
I think this danger is quite manageable.
Never in my life have I heard a Muslim say,
"Brother, after Ramadan,
I'm going to taste some spicy sausage!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
[exclaims]
Never seen it!
Never seen it, but who knows? Maybe it exists.
Anything is possible.
I mean, standing before you is a dark-skinned person born in Germany,
an Arab who supports gay marriage,
and the son of Muslims who take Hebrew at school.
-[audience cheering] -Anything is possible!
Anything.
Yes!
-And I'm a nice guy. -[audience member laughs]
Why did you laugh?
[laughs] I really am a nice guy,
and I never want anyone to feel bad because of me.
For example, a while ago,
I flirted with a woman, which happens once every five years…
and she wasn't, how should I put it, like, "Damn!"
More like, "Damn."
And the way she started talking to me. Like, "Oh! Hey, cutie!"
[imitates chewing]
"Give me your number."
I had trouble saying, "Sorry, but I don't date cyclopes."
So I had to improvise, I was like…
"Oh, pardon! Je ne peux parler allemand!"
"Oh! Mais je peux parler français!"
"Oh! Mi scusi! Non parlo tedesco!"
"Oh! Ma io parlo italiano!"
Shit!
"Ben almanca konuşamıyorum."
"Ben türkçe konuşuyorum!"
I was like, "Dude!"
Guys!
I couldn't get out of it!
I was with her for two years.
-[audience laughing] -Guys.
Guys!
-She thought… -[audience clapping]
She thought I was a dark Turk.
Is that even a thing?
[imitating funny accent]
Never seen one! Never seen it!
But I eventually managed to break up with her.
I managed it eventually.
I just had to wait for the right moment.
"Hany! I told you to leave me some chocolate!"
"Did you just call me 'nigga'?"
And I bounced!
[audience clapping]
My name is Hany Siam!
You were unbelievable!
You were amazing!
-Thank you! -[hip-hop theme playing]
Thank you! I love you!
Thank you!
-[hip-hop theme continues] -[audience cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen, go wild for the co-founder of RebellComedy!
-Here is Ususmango! -[hip-hop theme continues]
-What's up? -[audience cheering]
Very nice!
Very cool. What's up?
-How are you doing, Cologne? -[audience exclaims]
Great. I'm so happy to be here.
Really. I missed you.
I don't know any of you, but I…
I really missed you in my imagination kind of.
I don't know… I'm happy to be here.
I have three kids at home. I now have three kids.
I'm extremely happy to be here, so…
Really so much…
A break. I get a break.
Exactly, man.
Most of you know two of my kids from the RebellComedy stories.
Now I have three. I don't know how.
You might be able to figure it out.
I have three kids.
My oldest daughter is 11 years old.
My son is nine.
My youngest daughter is five.
I always remind myself
that the others are already so big, but I feel like five is a cool age.
Really a cool age because as a father or mother
you put them to bed each night.
She can't fall asleep without you.
She and I have always had a ritual.
You know? I put her to bed, then tell her stories.
Maybe I'll sing, or sometimes we have a competition.
A simple battle, back and forth.
You may know this.
It goes like this, "Dad, I love you as much as…"
She'll say something, and I have to one-up her.
And she always thinks, because she has no idea about life…
-[audience laughing] -She thinks she can one-up me.
She thinks she's better than me.
You have no idea. You're the third kid.
You're the third kid. My gun is fully loaded.
You know…
some people are veterans, I'm a fatheran.
I can do anything. You can't win.
Forget it.
That's how I act.
Recently, I did it again.
I put her to bed but was under time pressure.
You know when you're impatient and you feel you have no time?
She felt it. Kids feel it right away.
She noticed, "He has an appointment, another show."
"Let's keep him here longer."
"Let's keep him here."
Then she was like,
"Dad, can we play the game?" "Yeah, okay."
She started like this…
"Uh, Dad, I love you as much as there are stars in the sky."
[groans]
You know how many times I've heard that? "Stars in the sky"?
I've heard it more than a woman at the bar.
You know? At this moment, I was like, "Something new, please."
You know, on the inside, I was…
I told her, "Oh, that's so much."
On the inside, I was like,
"That was lame!"
Garbage. Garbage line. The worst I've ever heard.
I was a little disappointed, but I…
I was like, "That's so much."
"But I love you as much as there are stars in the whole galaxy."
She was like, "That has to be a ton, right?"
I was like, "Yeah." And she went on.
"Dad, I love you as much as there are grains of sand in a sandbox."
I was like,
"Of all things, you pick a sandbox? The smallest?"
"Dude, just pick… okay, whatever."
"Okay, that's so much."
"I love you as much as there are grains of sand on the beach."
She's like, "Wow, that's so much, right?"
I was like, "Yeah, that's so much!"
Then she said, "I have one more."
"Dad, I love you as much
as there are grains of sand on the beach and the ocean floor,
there's sand there too,
and in the desert in Saudi Arabia."
I was like, "Whoa, that's not bad."
But I didn't have any more time.
I had no more time.
I was like, "Respect and whatnot, but I have to go."
"Respect, but I'll give her one last one so she can finally sleep."
Not a death blow, but a…
but a sleeping blow. I'll give her a…
I'll give her a sleeping blow.
I was like, "Hey, honey. I love you as much as…"
"I love you as much as
there are racists in Germany again all of sudden."
[audience clapping]
And she was like,
"Really? That much, Dad?"
"Yeah, me too, Dad."
[imitates snoring]
Right to sleep.
I'm happy. I'm happy.
That's crazy.
I always associate the zoo with kids.
The last time I was at the zoo, I went with my kids.
But the youngest wasn't born yet.
I only had two kids.
That's crazy.
The three of us went to the Cologne Zoo.
I don't know if you know,
but when you pay for three entrances fees to the Cologne Zoo,
you're already in the red.
Everything is expensive inside too.
French fries for 5,000 euros.
Stuffed animal costs a million. It's crazy expensive.
As we walk around, I turn their heads away from all that stuff.
"Don't look." "Why?"
-"It's haram. Just look…" -[audience laughing]
"Just don't look there. Look at the animals."
[audience clapping]
I'm like, "Look at the animals."
They look at the animals.
Meanwhile, I'm looking at the map.
I'm figuring out where we can go. Not for the animals.
Instead… You know the balloon guy at the zoo?
You know him?
There's a guy with a bazillion balloons.
All helium balloons.
And I hate this guy.
I hate him with all my heart.
Because one balloon costs six euros.
It's so much, and once kids of a certain age see him,
they want one, and I can't tell them no.
I know I can't say no, and it'll be another six euros.
It's the sort of thing that if you let go,
it floats into outer space,
and now your six euros are in space.
And then I'm like, "Okay." And my plan is working.
We didn't see him.
And right at the end, there he stands.
Like a final boss.
He's standing there grinning at me. It's a Stephen King movie.
With all the balloons, grinning and looking nice, and I'm like,
-"I hate him. This bastard." -[audience laughing]
My kids see him right away.
"Dad, balloons." "No."
"Dad, please! One, please! "Yeah, okay."
I hate him.
We go up to him, and I ask my son,
"Which one?" "Bob the Builder."
"All right, one Bob the Builder."
So I take the cord
and tie a knot around his wrist.
So the six euros don't go to space.
So I tie a huge knot on his hand.
His hand's like… [imitates blood pumping]
Then I asked my daughter, "And what do you want?"
"Barbie!" "One Barbie, please."
I take it and go to tie a knot.
You have to understand
she is two years older, and she wants to feel it.
She says, "I'm a big girl. No need for a knot. I've got it."
"No, I'm tying a knot." "No, I've got it. I swear."
"Okay, but hold it tight."
As soon as they have the balloons, I become a general.
I'm constantly checking. "Where are they?"
They say, "Here on my wrist."
"Hold it tight!" [imitates crying] "Yes, Dad. I am."
I have just one mission.
The guy says, "12 euros." I'm like, "Choke on it."
I have to get them from the exit to the car
without anyone letting six euros go to space.
That's my mission. All I want is to get to the car.
We get to the car. Door open, kid in, balloon in, door closed.
Now the other one. Door open, kid in, balloon in, door closed.
[sighs heavily] Then I'm relaxed.
It's the only moment I'm relaxed.
I go to my door, get in and we drive off.
The whole way home, I'm thinking about what a strange outing it was.
How much money I lost.
I'm adding it up, "A million to get in, then balloons for 12 euros."
[angrily] "The lion wasn't even there. Ain't that some shit?"
We eventually arrive.
I'm a general again. "Where are they?"
"Here." "Hold on."
[imitates crying] "Yes, Dad. I'm holding it."
My son is like… [exclaiming] He's proud. He has a knot.
I say, "Okay, good."
I go inside. My son goes in. The balloon goes in.
My daughter comes super slow. "I'm holding it tight!"
Then, all of a sudden, she lets go.
One meter in front of the door.
[imitates crying] "Dad, my balloon!"
"Dad, I'm sorry!"
"My balloon!"
My son is like… [exclaiming]
-[exclaiming] -[audience clapping]
I'm like, "Okay, good."
He's still happy, but she won't stop crying.
He can't take it.
His heart is so big.
He can't take it when his sister is crying.
At some point he was like,
"Then take mine!"
I was like, "Crazy! What a heart on this kid!"
"What a great guy. I want to be like him. Let's trade."
"Really. Awesome guy."
And she's like…
-[imitates crying] "No, that one's ugly." -[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What kind person are you?" [laughs]
I can't get mad at her. She's crying. It's hard for me too.
I can't calm her down. My son can't calm her down.
Eventually, my son can't take it anymore. He goes,
"Then I don't want mine anymore either!"
And just throws it up into space.
I'm standing there saying, "12 euros into space!"
"Are you two kidding me, dude?"
No, for real. For real.
This really happened. True story.
When you see your son do that,
he did that,
as a father, you're touched.
All of a sudden, I teared up myself.
I start crying too.
My son slowly realizes he'll never see Bob the Builder again.
He starts to cry.
Three people are crying after one outing.
[imitates all crying] Everyone's crying. I was like, "Was it a nice outing?"
"Yes, Dad."
"Should we go back to the zoo?" "Yes, Dad."
We never went back.
Never. I'm never going back.
That's me.
I don't know about you, but I've thought about it.
Never again.
Hey, Cologne.
Thank you. My name is Ususmango.
RebellComedy! Peace!
-[audience clapping] -[hip-hop theme playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the RebellComedy legend,
Benaissa Lamroubal!
-[hip-hop theme playing] -[audience cheering]
-[audience clapping] -Oh! Hey!
Thank you!
Thanks. Awesome!
This is so good. It's so good. For real.
In these times, you're just happy to perform in front of people. You know?
My last show was in front of cars.
-My take-away was, don't talk to cars. -[audience laughing]
Unless your name is Michael Knight.
Otherwise, forget it.
You shouldn't talk to cars.
It was a drive-up cinema event. I think it was really cool for them.
They wanted to see a film,
but they saw The Confused Comedian, in theaters now.
It was a disaster for me. I was confused.
You can't talk to cars.
They want to talk, of course,
but I didn't understand what they wanted from me.
You know how they clapped?
-[audience member imitates horn] -Right, they honked!
They honked.
And I told jokes on stage.
They had to laugh. You know how they laughed?
-[man mutters] -Exactly, they honked for that too.
There were parts of my set they didn't like. They wanted to boo.
You know how?
-[man mutters] -Right, they honked.
Ten minutes later, I didn't know if they liked it or not.
-[audience laughing] -It's definitely crazy.
Communicating through horns.
Laughter just can't be replaced by a honk.
Laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds.
[imitates laughing] So beautiful.
Yeah! [imitates laughing]
-Versus… [imitates horn honking] -[audience laughing]
It's a warning signal.
I get scared when I hear it.
It's not a good reaction to a joke. It doesn't work.
"Hey! You ever heard this one?"
"What does the Pole do on the ice?"
"He breaks in!"
[imitates horn honking]
That doesn't work.
I have to say it depends on the joke a bit.
For the joke to work, there have to be Poles in the audience.
But with Poles there, there won't be any honking.
To be exact, there won't be any cars.
[audience applauding]
Cheap stereotype. You like that?
You love that.
Me too. It's okay. We love these stereotypes.
But they're not true. I know thousands of Poles. None steal.
But we want to hear, "The Pole steals."
We want to hear, "The Arab has a big beard and four wives."
We want to hear, "The Albanian works on the construction site."
We want to hear that.
It may not be true, but we want it.
We're people. We want categories. "Make it easy for us."
That's what we want. That's why we go to the zoo.
We want to see the animals at the zoo as we like them.
We want to see the lion.
Why? The lion is the king.
Because he has a mane that looks like a crown.
He's the king of the jungle.
Dude, he lives in the savanna, not the jungle.
What does he do?
He sits on his ass all day with a mane, a huge beard and four wives.
He's more Arab than the Arab.
[audience applauding]
The lion is not the king.
In the jungle, the gorilla is the king. Look at the gorilla, dude!
[growling] Such a monster! Muscles all over!
This is the king. He's King Kong. That's the king.
The gorilla wipes his ass with lion.
Fucking hell.
"Bring your mane over here, boy!"
Crazy. The gorilla, dude… a silverback gorilla…
Look at that thing. [exclaiming]
Such a monster. Muscles all over. Everyone is scared of him.
Have you seen King Kong?
Everyone's scared the gorilla will eat them.
Another stereotype.
Do gorillas go around eating people? They're nice guys.
They're vegans.
-[audience laughing] -We don't want to see it!
We want stereotypes. We want to see the monkeys in the zoo.
But monkeys in the zoo
have nothing to do with real monkeys in the jungle.
These ones live at the zoo. They have a heating system.
They get food, medicine. They live off welfare.
-They have nothing. -[audience clapping]
They have nothing to do with real monkeys.
It's all in our head, but we want to see the monkeys in the zoo.
What do we want to see?
Them eating a banana.
Yeah.
Do you know how few monkeys have ever eaten a banana?
Monkeys are almost like East Germans.
Bananas are so scarce, they don't know about them.
We really think the monkey wants to eat the banana.
We also get this wrong, we think monkeys eat bananas like this.
[audience laughing]
Never!
When he gets a banana, he bites it like this.
It's all in our minds. Really.
It's exactly the same for people.
We represent something from our home country or our parents' country,
but we're different.
I'm not a Moroccan.
I'm a zoo Moroccan.
I'm representing something I barely know.
I talk about Morocco and Moroccans so much.
There are Germans who know more about Morocco than I do.
If a real Moroccan saw my set, he'd say,
"I've never seen anything like that in my life."
Okay, he'd say,
[in funny voice] "I've never seen anything
like that in my life!"
-[audience applauding] -[exclaims]
We need these stereotypes.
So I'd rather pull them out. Here's one for you.
I was in an Italian restaurant with one of my best friends.
He's German.
The German and I go to an Italian restaurant,
and after five minutes, I notice the server is Moroccan.
Because of his French accent.
So I thought…
His German wasn't very good.
But I thought,
"This would be easier in Moroccan, but it would ruin everything."
Because if I start talking to him in Moroccan,
my German friend will feel excluded, we'd have our Moroccan thing going,
the other guests would realize that they aren't actually Italian.
Suddenly, the macaroni become Moroccani.
I didn't want that to happen, so I stuck to German.
The problem was I ordered salad.
I found little pieces of plastic wrap in the iceberg lettuce.
Some packaging was probably left in the iceberg lettuce.
I was like, "Hey, look. There's plastic wrap in here."
"Can you take it away?"
He just picks it out and goes to leave.
I was like, "Yep, he's Moroccan."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Brother, please take it with you."
"There's plastic in there. I can't eat that. I could get sick."
And I think he wanted to say, "No, you won't get sick."
But what came out of his mouth was, "No, you suck my dick."
-[laughs] -[audience applauding]
I said, "Brother,
you probably meant, 'It won't make you sick.'"
He said, "No, you heard right. Suck my dick and go fuck yourself!"
No way.
As I was saying, I'm a zoo Moroccan.
I was on a soccer team.
If you've been on an actual team, you know you're a zoo Moroccan.
Real Moroccans in Morocco play barefoot on the street.
Great players.
I have two cousins who are great. They played barefoot on the street.
They would each have been on the German national team.
In Germany, I was a second-string player on BV Weckhoven.
I was the worst player ever.
I wasn't allowed to play soccer with my cousins.
My father said, "No, you're too soft."
"They play barefoot."
"You need cleats, socks, and shin guards."
"You need all that."
"Don't play with them. Play by yourself."
I played soccer in Germany.
I was too organized for Moroccans
and too unorganized for Germans.
So, German soccer clubs…
I know a lot of you have been in one.
Every Saturday or Sunday, you have a game.
After the game, someone new brings the jerseys home,
washes them and brings them to the next game.
When it was my turn, disaster.
We had huge bag, and we put all the jerseys in there.
I took the bag home.
I took my time. The next game was in seven days.
I leave the bag in the corner. Two days before the game, I think,
"I have to wash the jerseys."
I looked for the bag. It's gone. "Where is it?"
On top of the cabinet.
My father had packed it to send it to Morocco.
I'm like, "Where's my stuff?"
Now I have to find it all.
I see my brother on the street. He has a goalie jersey on.
His best friend is wearing Number Ten from BV Weckhoven.
-I'm like, "Shit! What is this?" -[audience applauding]
Today is game day.
I scrape it all together and wash it.
We have a mountain of laundry. Five kids, endless laundry.
I have to get them clean. I try to get them clean.
Put them in the bag. Go to the club.
They're waiting for me. Game's about to start.
I toss the bag in the middle. Open it.
Nothing's folded. Everything thrown in.
The goalie jersey is still missing. My dad's sports coat is there instead.
[audience laughing]
It was…
-[audience cheering] -I swear.
It was the worst game ever. The worst ever!
We won the game, but do you know how it looked?
Our goalie was like this with my dad's sports coat.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Eh!
Number Ten was wearing a djellaba.
We won ten to zero because they were scared of our goalie.
They thought it was an adult.
They were scared.
-Hey, my name is Benaissa Lamroubal. -[audience applauding]
[hip-hop theme playing]
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for the RebellComedy co-founder, Babak Ghassim!
-[hip-hop theme continues] -[audience cheering]
What's up?
-[music fading] -[audience quieting]
[reciting] ♪ Welcome to the zoo ♪
♪ I know the enclosure ♪
♪ I know what you see ♪
♪ Sinti and Roma beg ♪
♪ Refugees bum money ♪
♪ Poles steal in the zoo ♪
♪ Chinese counterfeit ♪
♪ Arabs haggle ♪
♪ Blacks loud in the zoo ♪
♪ Wild in the zoo ♪
♪ Gray in the zoo ♪
♪ Germans extremely precise in the zoo ♪
♪ Albanians stab ♪
♪ Turks, however, speak good German ♪
♪ Greeks lazy in the zoo ♪
♪ Raw the zoo ♪
♪ Headscarf, no problem ♪
♪ As long as It's on the cleaning lady in the zoo ♪
♪ I know the zoo ♪
♪ Know magic in the zoo ♪
♪ Guiding culture, an individual case ♪
♪ Plural becomes singular in the zoo ♪
♪ Representative of your kind ♪
♪ Singular becomes plural in the zoo ♪
♪ Signs all over the zoo ♪
♪ Telling you who you are ♪
♪ Huge expectations ♪
♪ Short silence ♪
♪ If you break it ♪
♪ The burden to have to break it ♪
♪ To be observed ♪
♪ To observe yourself ♪
♪ To become your own zookeeper In the zoo ♪
♪ The trained desert person show ♪
♪ I know what you see in the zoo ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ What you don't see ♪
♪ The ground you walk on in the zoo ♪
♪ I am earth, mud, stone ♪
♪ The dream people of the dead here ♪
♪ Guest worker ♪
♪ Outsider ♪
♪ Victim in me ♪
♪ Solingen, Halle, Hanau ♪
♪ Hülya, Jana, Hamza ♪
♪ Combined with Goethe, Bach, Adenauer here ♪
♪ All integrated ♪
♪ Truly integrated ♪
♪ Integrated without discussion ♪
♪ All integrated equally ♪
♪ Integrated by bacteria and fungi ♪
♪ Integrated in me and ♪
♪ Integrated me ♪
♪ My roots, their ancestors ♪
♪ My furrows, their scars ♪
♪ My voice, their languages ♪
♪ The language of the many ♪
♪ The voice of the streets ♪
♪ Being me means being them ♪
♪ 70 years is too late to abort ♪
♪ The seed shoots ♪
♪ Look, they bloom in all colors ♪
♪ They play or fight ♪
♪ Or love each other ♪
♪ But everything that comes from me ♪
♪ Is diverse ♪
♪ I am German earth ♪
♪ And I lay beneath you ♪
♪ Your steps are muffled ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ As if from a different time ♪
♪ Don't forget ♪
♪ When you walk over me ♪
♪ With each step ♪
♪ You place a foot on my ground ♪
♪ And it holds firm ♪
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop theme playing]
DJ Wati, ladies and gentlemen!
[hip-hop theme continues]
That's it! Thanks for coming out! RebellComedy! Peace!
[hip-hop theme continues]
Subtitle translation by: