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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Bro! Excuse me! Sorry.
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Left.
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Stop sign, left.
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One, two, three, four, five.
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On the right.
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Mr. Burnz?
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Are you Charlie Burnz?
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Charlie Burnz, I'm talking to you.
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Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.
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{\an8}Sweep up a little bit. Make sure
all the props are in the right spot.
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{\an8}- Hey, Marge?
- Hey, Charlie.
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{\an8}Where is everybody?
15
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{\an8}Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.
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{\an8}Oh, right. Well, I had a long weekend.
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{\an8}All right, take it easy. All right.
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{\an8}Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!
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Yeah, we made sure to take a lot of care
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and not offend anybody
with this next sketch, so please strap in
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and, you know, enjoy.
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00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:07,406
Okay, so this is...
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00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:10,075
This is an infomercial
for a brand-new comedy album.
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00:04:10,159 --> 00:04:14,455
We start with shots of planets and stars,
just these beautiful shots of space.
25
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And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.
26
00:04:17,707 --> 00:04:20,544
In the tradition of George Carlin
and Richard Pryor,
27
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we bring you the next comedy voice.
28
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And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.
29
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But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.
30
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So he looks like he's at a comedy club.
31
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We have a microphone
where his computer is.
32
00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:41,398
Is it just me, but what's the deal
with black holes? Am I right?
33
00:04:44,193 --> 00:04:47,029
You people like impressions?
34
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,080
So how do you think the meeting went?
35
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,792
Some very funny ideas.
36
00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:04,171
But, Brad, somebody's got to talk
to Roger about his inflections.
37
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I know, I know. I think he gets nervous.
38
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No, come on.
39
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,718
George Carlin, Richard Pryor.
40
00:05:09,802 --> 00:05:13,847
My God, Stephen Hawking pronounced
his name better than he does.
41
00:05:13,931 --> 00:05:15,474
Here's one for the news segment.
42
00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:18,435
Or as Roger calls it, the news "seg-ment."
43
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,396
All right, I'll give this to the guys.
44
00:05:20,479 --> 00:05:22,690
By the way, there's a new invention
called computers.
45
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You may wanna get one.
46
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You know, I had one, but I like this.
47
00:05:26,777 --> 00:05:29,071
We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.
48
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:33,033
I like the fact that the key leaves a mark
that wasn't there a second ago.
49
00:05:33,117 --> 00:05:35,911
But I did treat myself to one of these.
50
00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:38,497
Look at you. You know how to work it?
51
00:05:38,580 --> 00:05:41,709
Absolutely, unless I wanna send an e-mail,
a text, or make a phone call.
52
00:05:41,792 --> 00:05:43,544
- Oh, that's not important.
- Not at all.
53
00:05:43,627 --> 00:05:46,255
- Wanna get something to eat?
- I have a lunch date.
54
00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:47,965
Look at you, Mr. Social.
55
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:51,135
It's someone who won an auction
to have lunch with me at the charity event
56
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,803
for inner-city libraries.
57
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:53,929
Sounds like a blast.
58
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This restaurant nice. Excuse me.
59
00:06:04,481 --> 00:06:05,858
Oh, no.
60
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,985
Sorry. Bye.
61
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,446
Maybe you, sir. Hello.
62
00:06:10,529 --> 00:06:14,491
Oh, Phil Donahue. Nice to meet you.
63
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,454
- The hell was that all about?
- Sir, hi.
64
00:06:18,537 --> 00:06:21,707
Oh, no, sorry, sorry to bother you.
Wrong person.
65
00:06:21,790 --> 00:06:23,459
Excuse me. Bye-bye.
66
00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:27,212
Excuse me. Are you, by any chance,
looking for me?
67
00:06:27,296 --> 00:06:28,547
I'm Charlie Burnz.
68
00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,341
- You gotta be shitting me.
- What?
69
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:31,425
This was you?
70
00:06:31,508 --> 00:06:33,344
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
71
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,262
You took some hits along the way, huh?
72
00:06:35,346 --> 00:06:37,848
Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.
73
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:41,352
That was actually taken on the Mayflower.
I did win the shuffleboard tournament.
74
00:06:42,394 --> 00:06:45,689
Well, belated congratulations.
I'm Emma Payge.
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00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,816
- Emma, pleasure, thank you. Sit down.
- Sorry I'm late.
76
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:51,070
Don't worry about it. Not a problem.
Glad you're here.
77
00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:53,197
And thank you for bidding
on me at the auction.
78
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,075
I'm so flattered that somebody your age
would be a fan of my work.
79
00:06:57,034 --> 00:06:58,827
- Truth?
- Sure.
80
00:06:58,911 --> 00:07:00,913
I don't know who the hell you are.
81
00:07:01,205 --> 00:07:02,956
My ex bid on you.
82
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,583
- You didn't?
- Nope.
83
00:07:05,584 --> 00:07:06,752
How did this...?
84
00:07:06,835 --> 00:07:09,088
Well, he's an actor,
and he was doing a scene
85
00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:10,964
from one of your plays
in his acting class,
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and he wanted to meet you,
so he bid.
87
00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,053
- How much?
- Twenty-two.
88
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:20,391
- $2200? That's fantastic.
- $2200, my ass!
89
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,351
$22.
90
00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:24,853
$22 was the winning bid?
91
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,858
It started at 20, and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.
92
00:07:29,942 --> 00:07:32,194
Oh, that's so sad.
93
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:34,988
Hello. Welcome to Le Monde.
94
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I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?
95
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,659
- Have you eaten here before?
- No.
96
00:07:38,742 --> 00:07:42,579
They have the greatest steak sandwich.
That's all I get. It's fantastic.
97
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,707
That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.
98
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,461
- Okay. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...
99
00:07:49,545 --> 00:07:53,841
Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari, and extra crab meat?
100
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,428
- Of course. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...
101
00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:01,557
Oh, and can I have a lobster tail
right on top, with extra mussels?
102
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:02,641
Lots of mussels.
103
00:08:02,725 --> 00:08:05,811
The ones from New Zealand, not from Jersey
because they got black hairs.
104
00:08:05,894 --> 00:08:08,355
Who knows what's in those?
That can be really toxic.
105
00:08:08,439 --> 00:08:11,984
Are you done? Because there are
a few species you haven't mentioned yet.
106
00:08:12,568 --> 00:08:13,569
Go ahead.
107
00:08:13,652 --> 00:08:16,572
- I'm gonna have the...
- Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?
108
00:08:17,656 --> 00:08:19,408
And for you, sir?
109
00:08:19,491 --> 00:08:22,619
I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast, and an iced tea.
110
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,164
Very good.
111
00:08:25,998 --> 00:08:28,375
Why would you order a tuna sandwich
when you said
112
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,127
they had the best steak sandwiches?
113
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,504
While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,
114
00:08:32,588 --> 00:08:35,758
I developed a hankering
for the only fish left on the menu.
115
00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:39,177
Touché, old man. Touché.
116
00:08:39,927 --> 00:08:41,180
So let me ask you a question.
117
00:08:41,263 --> 00:08:43,640
If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?
118
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,934
I caught him cheating on me.
119
00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:49,438
And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.
120
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:52,566
And trust me, he is wrong, okay?
121
00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:56,028
You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus Doleil."
122
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:59,448
Okay. Well, let's...
Let's get through lunch first.
123
00:09:00,074 --> 00:09:02,326
- I'd break your back, old man.
- Thank you.
124
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:05,496
Yeah, have you laid out, dead,
with a smile on your face.
125
00:09:06,205 --> 00:09:10,125
And your kids will be like,
"How did he die? How did my dad die?"
126
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:12,795
And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say,
127
00:09:12,878 --> 00:09:13,921
on top of me.
128
00:09:17,883 --> 00:09:19,426
That's a really lovely thought.
129
00:09:20,678 --> 00:09:22,971
You funny, old man.
130
00:09:23,055 --> 00:09:27,726
I'm glad I came, even if it was
to shove you up my ex's big fat ass.
131
00:09:27,810 --> 00:09:30,104
Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.
132
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,441
- Whoa, look what the tide brought in.
- Yeah.
133
00:09:34,525 --> 00:09:36,610
- Thank you very much.
- Please enjoy.
134
00:09:36,694 --> 00:09:38,570
Emma, enjoy your buffet.
135
00:09:39,113 --> 00:09:42,533
So... I take it you like comedy.
136
00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:44,284
Nope.
137
00:09:44,368 --> 00:09:45,703
You don't?
138
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:49,456
I mean, I love to laugh, but in real life.
You know what I'm saying?
139
00:09:50,249 --> 00:09:53,961
Well, you know, that's what I do
in real life. I'm a comedy writer.
140
00:09:54,044 --> 00:09:56,505
You ever watch This Just In
on Sunday nights on Funny?
141
00:09:58,424 --> 00:10:02,720
I also write some Broadway and movies
and five books.
142
00:10:03,721 --> 00:10:05,723
And what do you do?
143
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:09,351
Charlie, I don't feel so good.
144
00:10:09,435 --> 00:10:11,729
Why is your face suddenly bigger
than it was before?
145
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:15,858
- I can't feel my lips.
- Oh, are you allergic to seafood?
146
00:10:15,941 --> 00:10:17,443
Oh, shit, maybe I am.
147
00:10:17,526 --> 00:10:18,610
What should I do?
148
00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:21,947
- Call the hospital. Call the hospital!
- What? What?
149
00:10:22,031 --> 00:10:23,657
Call the hospital!
150
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:27,036
Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!
151
00:10:27,119 --> 00:10:29,038
I do not know. Let me check the Web.
152
00:10:29,121 --> 00:10:31,332
- Dial the nearest hospital!
- Is everything all right?
153
00:10:31,415 --> 00:10:34,084
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?
154
00:10:34,168 --> 00:10:35,085
I didn't do anything!
155
00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:36,337
These are Jersey mussels!
156
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:38,630
- What?
- I knew they were Jersey mussels!
157
00:10:38,714 --> 00:10:41,550
- Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
- I need emergency. Emergency.
158
00:10:41,633 --> 00:10:42,634
This is an emergency.
159
00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:46,930
Everybody, calm down. Everybody, relax.
160
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:50,642
- We should call the ambulance.
- Siri! What is wrong with you?
161
00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:54,021
Ma'am, have you had an allergic reaction
to seafood before?
162
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,066
You just randomly ordered,
and this is what happened?
163
00:10:57,149 --> 00:11:01,403
- I had a hankering.
- Okay, just relax. We're almost there.
164
00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:03,197
You're gonna be okay.
165
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,491
Charlie? Charlie.
166
00:11:05,574 --> 00:11:08,619
Charlie!
167
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:12,414
You're all I've got, Charlie,
don't leave me!
168
00:11:29,306 --> 00:11:30,516
Oh, boy.
169
00:11:32,851 --> 00:11:34,645
Mr. Burnz?
170
00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:38,857
Oh, I'm not supposed
to fill these forms out.
171
00:11:38,941 --> 00:11:41,819
- What's your relation to Miss Payge?
- She won me in an auction.
172
00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:44,530
Fine, don't believe me.
173
00:11:44,613 --> 00:11:45,864
She doesn't have insurance,
174
00:11:45,948 --> 00:11:48,575
and she really shouldn't be leaving here
by herself.
175
00:11:48,659 --> 00:11:50,202
No insurance?
176
00:11:50,285 --> 00:11:51,745
Okay.
177
00:11:51,829 --> 00:11:53,330
$1100?
178
00:11:53,956 --> 00:11:56,375
Yes. And you'll get the ambulance bill
in the mail.
179
00:11:57,418 --> 00:11:59,211
You can pay me on the way out.
180
00:11:59,795 --> 00:12:02,381
- Your daughter is going to be fine.
- My d...?
181
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,341
Great. Isn't that great?
182
00:12:04,425 --> 00:12:08,053
She told me all about how you adopted her
from that orphanage in Kenya.
183
00:12:08,137 --> 00:12:09,930
- That's very special.
- Oh, she told you?
184
00:12:10,014 --> 00:12:11,890
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well...
185
00:12:11,974 --> 00:12:14,309
Well, she is special.
186
00:12:14,393 --> 00:12:16,103
Well, this is a pretty severe reaction.
187
00:12:16,186 --> 00:12:18,313
Are there other allergies
that I should know about?
188
00:12:18,397 --> 00:12:20,649
Well, I think really you should talk
to her about that
189
00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:24,111
or I can put you in touch
with one of the elders of her tribe.
190
00:12:24,194 --> 00:12:26,739
You could ask for Mbolo.
191
00:12:27,740 --> 00:12:29,867
It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.
192
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,952
A little longer
may have been a different story.
193
00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:34,038
Here are her prescriptions.
194
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,998
Pharmacy is that way.
195
00:12:39,668 --> 00:12:41,128
$600?
196
00:12:42,838 --> 00:12:45,007
So far, a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.
197
00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:47,801
- Welcome to New York, pal.
- What's this?
198
00:12:47,885 --> 00:12:50,471
That's epinephrine.
You need to inject her within the hour.
199
00:12:50,554 --> 00:12:52,056
- And if I don't?
- She'll die.
200
00:12:53,057 --> 00:12:54,058
Next.
201
00:12:55,893 --> 00:13:01,857
"Remove blue safety release
by pulling up, straight up."
202
00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:04,026
- Okay.
- What's taking so long?
203
00:13:04,109 --> 00:13:06,653
I'm having trouble reading the directions
without my glasses.
204
00:13:06,737 --> 00:13:09,114
And honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it.
205
00:13:09,198 --> 00:13:10,324
- Okay.
- Oh, no.
206
00:13:10,407 --> 00:13:12,743
Hell, no. Put that thing down.
207
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,621
Ain't no way in hell I'm gonna let you
stab me with that Lego stick
208
00:13:15,704 --> 00:13:18,666
while your hand shaking like that.
You might put out one of my eyes.
209
00:13:18,749 --> 00:13:21,710
But they said I have to do it
within the hour or you'll be in trouble.
210
00:13:21,794 --> 00:13:24,630
Well, we'll just wait an hour.
If I'm not dead, you can go home.
211
00:13:24,713 --> 00:13:26,715
Fine. Enjoy your bloating.
212
00:13:29,635 --> 00:13:31,887
All right. Stick me, old man.
213
00:13:40,646 --> 00:13:41,897
Motherf...!
214
00:13:43,357 --> 00:13:44,775
Son of a...!
215
00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:47,319
Okay.
216
00:13:47,403 --> 00:13:49,488
Show time's over.
217
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,742
Make me some tea, maybe it'll
help with the bloating...
218
00:13:53,826 --> 00:13:56,745
"Only hold in for a few seconds."
219
00:14:03,752 --> 00:14:05,087
"Slippery when wet?"
220
00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:07,297
- You looked?
- I had to. I really...
221
00:14:07,381 --> 00:14:10,843
I had to. That's not something you wanna
do with your eyes closed. Believe me.
222
00:14:10,926 --> 00:14:13,846
It could have ended up someplace
that we would not be happy about.
223
00:14:15,514 --> 00:14:19,727
Thank you. I promise I will pay you back
every dime that you laid out.
224
00:14:19,810 --> 00:14:21,937
You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?
225
00:14:22,021 --> 00:14:24,440
Like you shot me up
with five six-hour energy drinks.
226
00:14:24,523 --> 00:14:27,776
So I've got about a good 30 hours
of energy! I'm lit!
227
00:14:29,486 --> 00:14:31,405
- Can I ask you something?
- What?
228
00:14:31,488 --> 00:14:33,323
Why did you tell the doctor
that I was your father?
229
00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:36,076
I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.
230
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,287
And the orphanage story?
231
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:39,872
I was a little loopy by then.
232
00:14:39,955 --> 00:14:41,665
I'm sure that was the mussels talking.
233
00:14:41,749 --> 00:14:43,667
Yup, those mussels
were definitely talking.
234
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:45,586
Yeah, must have been.
235
00:14:45,669 --> 00:14:48,339
Well, listen, try to get some rest.
236
00:14:48,422 --> 00:14:50,507
Do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.
237
00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:53,135
I'll be fine.
238
00:14:53,218 --> 00:14:56,597
Look, I wanna apologize to you
for saying all that stuff about my ex.
239
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,223
I should have never done that.
240
00:14:58,307 --> 00:15:01,018
You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.
241
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:04,355
- Hey, I understand. This way out?
- Yep, that way.
242
00:15:05,814 --> 00:15:07,232
- Perky.
- Yeah.
243
00:15:19,453 --> 00:15:20,579
Good try.
244
00:15:23,374 --> 00:15:25,876
- All right, that's...
- It's all right. It's a base hit.
245
00:15:36,011 --> 00:15:37,930
Sorry, Rex. That's a match.
246
00:15:40,432 --> 00:15:42,017
I don't know why you play against me.
247
00:15:42,101 --> 00:15:44,687
- It's good aerobics.
- Yeah, for me.
248
00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:47,856
I'm running around like crazy.
I'm gasping for air. You just...
249
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:50,776
You just stand at the net.
Somehow it's six-love, six-love.
250
00:15:50,859 --> 00:15:52,903
- Six-love?
- Six feet...
251
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,572
You get perverse pleasure
beating your only son like this?
252
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:56,824
Yeah, a lot.
253
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,495
Listen, Dad...
254
00:16:02,830 --> 00:16:06,917
Francine wants to know if you are coming
to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.
255
00:16:08,043 --> 00:16:11,255
My daughter wants to know if I'm coming
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
256
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,966
- Why wouldn't I?
- She says you never RSVP'd.
257
00:16:15,509 --> 00:16:19,263
Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?
258
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,140
Dad, don't be upset.
You know how she gets.
259
00:16:21,223 --> 00:16:22,891
It'll be a fun day. We'll be together.
260
00:16:22,975 --> 00:16:25,352
I don't want Lindsay to think
that I wasn't gonna come.
261
00:16:25,436 --> 00:16:27,646
Who knows what your sister says to her?
262
00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:29,648
Just give her a call.
263
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:34,903
This was fun. I'll see you next week?
264
00:16:34,987 --> 00:16:37,573
When I lose to you, again.
265
00:16:37,656 --> 00:16:39,074
I gotta go.
266
00:16:39,158 --> 00:16:41,869
I have a 3:00. I'm a little nervous.
267
00:16:41,952 --> 00:16:45,748
I'm submitting my design
for a new building in Union Square.
268
00:16:45,831 --> 00:16:48,334
Well, it could be a big thing for me.
269
00:16:48,417 --> 00:16:50,794
I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.
270
00:16:50,878 --> 00:16:54,006
Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.
271
00:16:54,715 --> 00:16:55,841
About what?
272
00:16:58,093 --> 00:17:00,012
For my building, for the design.
273
00:17:00,679 --> 00:17:04,892
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
274
00:17:05,893 --> 00:17:07,561
Yeah. I'll see you.
275
00:17:09,145 --> 00:17:11,106
I'm gonna call her right now.
276
00:17:11,190 --> 00:17:13,609
Daddy! Daddy!
277
00:17:13,692 --> 00:17:14,902
Daddy!
278
00:17:14,985 --> 00:17:16,111
Daddy!
279
00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:19,280
I did something wrong, Daddy!
280
00:17:19,365 --> 00:17:22,116
I'm scared! Daddy!
281
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,328
Daddy!
282
00:17:34,338 --> 00:17:37,883
Oh, hi. This is... Craziest thing. I...
283
00:17:37,966 --> 00:17:40,761
- I forgot what locker I was using.
- That's okay.
284
00:17:40,844 --> 00:17:41,804
I have a master.
285
00:17:42,888 --> 00:17:45,933
- Let's start with this row.
- Okay, good.
286
00:18:11,125 --> 00:18:12,584
That's perfect.
287
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:15,879
You're gonna crush this.
Give me a high-five.
288
00:18:17,131 --> 00:18:19,925
I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.
289
00:18:20,009 --> 00:18:24,096
Yeah. I'm just getting a little nervous
about my speech.
290
00:18:24,179 --> 00:18:27,391
- Have you started writing it yet?
- Yeah.
291
00:18:30,936 --> 00:18:32,521
It's your grandfather.
292
00:18:34,356 --> 00:18:35,274
Hi, Papa Charlie.
293
00:18:35,357 --> 00:18:38,193
Hey, Lindsay, honey.
How's my bat mitzvah girl?
294
00:18:38,277 --> 00:18:39,528
Good.
295
00:18:39,611 --> 00:18:40,988
Ask him if he's coming.
296
00:18:41,071 --> 00:18:42,865
What do you mean? Grandpa's not coming?
297
00:18:42,948 --> 00:18:44,908
- Are you coming?
- That's why I'm calling.
298
00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:49,163
Of course I'm coming.
I wouldn't miss that for the world.
299
00:18:49,246 --> 00:18:52,583
- Great. I'm so happy.
- Hey, when you're happy, I'm happy.
300
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:56,587
- Can I speak to your Mom?
- Tell him I can't talk to him right now.
301
00:18:58,339 --> 00:19:00,674
She said she'll call you back.
302
00:19:01,258 --> 00:19:03,052
Yeah. Okay.
303
00:19:03,135 --> 00:19:04,595
I can't wait to see you.
304
00:19:04,678 --> 00:19:05,929
I can't wait to see you too.
305
00:19:06,013 --> 00:19:08,932
So tell me. You got a pretty dress?
306
00:19:09,016 --> 00:19:10,726
You're gonna have to see when you come.
307
00:19:10,809 --> 00:19:13,020
Okay.
308
00:19:14,313 --> 00:19:16,690
Can you help me with my speech?
309
00:19:16,774 --> 00:19:19,735
Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.
310
00:19:20,903 --> 00:19:24,406
- Yeah.
- Okay, kid. See you soon.
311
00:19:25,157 --> 00:19:26,825
I had a bad day.
312
00:19:27,826 --> 00:19:31,121
Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.
313
00:19:31,205 --> 00:19:37,336
I... I couldn't remember
where my locker was in my health club.
314
00:19:37,419 --> 00:19:39,588
I've been going there for years.
315
00:19:40,214 --> 00:19:42,091
So damn embarrassing.
316
00:19:42,174 --> 00:19:44,009
That should be expected.
317
00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:47,888
Don't panic.
Are you doing what we talked about?
318
00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:51,600
Yeah. I tried not to vary my routine.
319
00:19:51,684 --> 00:19:55,062
I walk the same way to work every day.
I eat right.
320
00:19:55,854 --> 00:19:57,731
Getting some exercise.
321
00:19:57,815 --> 00:20:00,234
And I'm taking my meds.
322
00:20:00,317 --> 00:20:02,986
And by the way, that Namenda.
323
00:20:03,070 --> 00:20:05,989
Oh, man, it's so constipating.
324
00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:07,449
- It... Sorry?
- Sorry about that.
325
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:11,620
I was backed up for eight days. I felt
like a python that had swallowed a deer.
326
00:20:12,955 --> 00:20:16,792
Charlie, you have medicines
to help you with that,
327
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:18,794
and you can always give yourself an enema.
328
00:20:18,877 --> 00:20:23,424
I'm saving that for my birthday.
A little something special just for me.
329
00:20:24,383 --> 00:20:25,467
How are you sleeping?
330
00:20:26,552 --> 00:20:29,805
Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?
331
00:20:30,723 --> 00:20:32,683
Maybe I get four hours, maybe.
332
00:20:32,766 --> 00:20:34,685
And what about those flashbacks?
333
00:20:35,561 --> 00:20:37,855
That's the craziest thing.
334
00:20:37,938 --> 00:20:41,483
I can forget what I had for lunch
while I'm having lunch.
335
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:44,278
But then, something flies into my head,
like, bam!
336
00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:47,740
It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.
337
00:20:47,823 --> 00:20:49,450
And it's like I'm there.
338
00:20:49,533 --> 00:20:53,370
Like I can see it like I saw it
way back then. It doesn't...
339
00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:57,082
It's almost like I can smell things.
And then, black.
340
00:20:57,166 --> 00:21:00,544
It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.
341
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,629
It's the craziest thing.
342
00:21:05,132 --> 00:21:08,802
- How's the writing going?
- I think it helps.
343
00:21:08,886 --> 00:21:12,473
It keeps my mind active, and it helps
strengthen my denial.
344
00:21:12,556 --> 00:21:15,851
You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.
345
00:21:15,934 --> 00:21:19,688
I'm like the old man on the block whose
yard you don't wanna hit the ball into.
346
00:21:20,564 --> 00:21:23,359
But I still get stuff on the air.
347
00:21:23,442 --> 00:21:25,861
I still help shape the show,
348
00:21:25,944 --> 00:21:29,490
and when one of my jokes hits right,
and the audience laughs,
349
00:21:29,573 --> 00:21:30,991
there's still nothing like it.
350
00:21:31,075 --> 00:21:33,535
And I still love it.
351
00:21:33,619 --> 00:21:35,788
Good. I think you're doing well.
352
00:21:35,871 --> 00:21:40,584
We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.
353
00:21:40,668 --> 00:21:45,297
Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.
354
00:21:45,381 --> 00:21:48,550
There's a lot we still don't know
about this kind of dementia.
355
00:21:50,552 --> 00:21:51,387
Okay.
356
00:21:52,805 --> 00:21:54,723
- See you next month.
- Okay.
357
00:21:54,807 --> 00:21:57,351
- Unless you need me sooner.
- Okay.
358
00:21:57,434 --> 00:21:59,103
Thanks, my friend.
359
00:22:00,813 --> 00:22:03,607
Oh, by the way, I thought
the show last week was pretty good.
360
00:22:03,691 --> 00:22:05,067
Was it?
361
00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:08,404
- Who was on?
- You know, the guy, what's-his-name?
362
00:22:08,487 --> 00:22:12,491
The... From the film. He's married to...
363
00:22:12,908 --> 00:22:14,243
The one with the hair.
364
00:22:16,161 --> 00:22:18,497
Would you like some of my meds?
365
00:22:51,822 --> 00:22:56,744
You just gonna push the lady down, huh?
You just gonna run over somebody!
366
00:22:56,827 --> 00:22:58,078
You son of a bitch!
367
00:22:58,162 --> 00:23:01,582
Come back here and try that again,
you spineless bastard!
368
00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:04,585
Hey, hey, hey.
369
00:23:04,668 --> 00:23:06,462
What happened?
370
00:23:09,381 --> 00:23:14,219
I was going up the right, when I got
into a head-on collision with a dumbass
371
00:23:14,303 --> 00:23:18,432
who was coming down on the right side,
but really that's his left side.
372
00:23:18,515 --> 00:23:21,226
And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!
373
00:23:21,310 --> 00:23:23,395
How did you know where I live?
374
00:23:23,479 --> 00:23:24,813
- Google.
- Google?
375
00:23:24,897 --> 00:23:26,523
- Here.
- What's this?
376
00:23:26,607 --> 00:23:29,526
The first installment
of the money I owe you.
377
00:23:31,153 --> 00:23:33,113
You're a pole dancer?
378
00:23:33,197 --> 00:23:37,660
God, no. And this coming from a man
that makes America laugh for a living.
379
00:23:37,743 --> 00:23:39,036
My knee!
380
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,414
- My fucking knees!
- Listen, listen, come upstairs.
381
00:23:42,498 --> 00:23:46,251
I'll clean you up a little bit,
and then we can rinse out your mouth.
382
00:23:46,335 --> 00:23:47,795
Come on.
383
00:23:49,421 --> 00:23:53,634
Oh, okay, okay,
384
00:23:54,593 --> 00:23:55,678
Jeez.
385
00:23:56,595 --> 00:24:00,557
Man, this dude is doing it. This is nice.
386
00:24:01,725 --> 00:24:03,811
{\an8}You know a lot of old white people.
387
00:24:04,603 --> 00:24:06,855
Oprah Winfrey?
388
00:24:08,023 --> 00:24:09,775
"For Carrie"?
389
00:24:10,984 --> 00:24:12,486
Okay, here we go.
390
00:24:12,569 --> 00:24:16,990
According to this wall, not only are you
ancient, but you're also famous.
391
00:24:17,074 --> 00:24:17,950
Sit here.
392
00:24:26,625 --> 00:24:28,585
You a serial killer?
393
00:24:28,669 --> 00:24:31,588
- What do you mean?
- Well, isn't that what serial killers do?
394
00:24:31,672 --> 00:24:35,300
Collect pictures of everyone they
butchered and buried in their backyard?
395
00:24:36,427 --> 00:24:38,053
Other knee.
396
00:24:41,265 --> 00:24:43,267
- Who are they?
- Who?
397
00:24:45,352 --> 00:24:47,354
Oh, that's my family.
398
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:50,607
Why do you have
their names written down?
399
00:24:51,316 --> 00:24:55,070
I'm writing something about them,
and it helps me stay focused.
400
00:24:56,071 --> 00:24:57,406
How did you become a writer?
401
00:24:58,615 --> 00:25:01,410
I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.
402
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:03,871
When I was a kid I thought it was fun
403
00:25:03,954 --> 00:25:06,123
to take the truth
and make it more interesting.
404
00:25:06,832 --> 00:25:07,833
So you're a liar?
405
00:25:09,043 --> 00:25:11,253
I'm just kidding. That's beautiful.
406
00:25:11,337 --> 00:25:13,422
Yeah. Well, you're as good as new.
407
00:25:14,173 --> 00:25:15,049
Thanks.
408
00:25:16,884 --> 00:25:17,926
What was here?
409
00:25:18,594 --> 00:25:20,596
There was some picture that fell.
410
00:25:20,679 --> 00:25:22,639
Housekeeper
put it someplace, I don't know.
411
00:25:23,307 --> 00:25:24,808
Listen, I gotta get back to work.
412
00:25:24,892 --> 00:25:27,895
You gotta get back to making up shit
because your real life is boring?
413
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,064
Something like that, yeah.
414
00:25:30,564 --> 00:25:33,650
Thanks for bringing me the bag
of laundered money.
415
00:25:33,734 --> 00:25:35,652
The Corleones will be very pleased.
416
00:25:36,904 --> 00:25:38,364
But you didn't have to do that.
417
00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:41,200
That's where you're wrong,
old man. I did.
418
00:25:42,117 --> 00:25:42,993
Bye-bye.
419
00:25:44,953 --> 00:25:49,875
Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.
420
00:25:50,501 --> 00:25:52,795
A cheesy ad for a law firm.
421
00:25:53,462 --> 00:25:55,005
Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.
422
00:25:55,089 --> 00:25:56,674
And I'm Lorraine Loomis.
423
00:25:56,757 --> 00:25:58,008
When we got married,
424
00:25:58,092 --> 00:26:01,553
the rules of dating were much
less confusing than they are today.
425
00:26:01,637 --> 00:26:03,055
And that's where we come in.
426
00:26:03,138 --> 00:26:04,348
We're the Sex Refs.
427
00:26:06,141 --> 00:26:08,185
We go on your dates with you.
428
00:26:08,268 --> 00:26:10,062
Maintaining a safe distance.
429
00:26:10,145 --> 00:26:11,438
So if there's any hanky...
430
00:26:11,522 --> 00:26:12,439
Or panky.
431
00:26:12,523 --> 00:26:15,734
We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.
432
00:26:15,818 --> 00:26:17,653
So there's no misunderstandings
433
00:26:17,736 --> 00:26:20,656
that could lead
to accusations and lawsuits.
434
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,368
We deal with the he said-she said
aspects of miscommunication.
435
00:26:24,451 --> 00:26:28,539
For example, you're in a parked car
and she says, "Would you like to kiss me?"
436
00:26:28,622 --> 00:26:30,207
But he said she said:
437
00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:32,584
"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ass?"
438
00:26:36,171 --> 00:26:38,298
Very different, isn't it?
439
00:26:38,799 --> 00:26:39,967
- We think so.
- We think so.
440
00:26:40,467 --> 00:26:43,053
Or if you're at the top
of the Ferris wheel,
441
00:26:43,137 --> 00:26:44,179
and he says:
442
00:26:44,263 --> 00:26:47,474
"I really don't like heights."
But she says he said:
443
00:26:47,558 --> 00:26:49,601
"Wanna see a picture
of my rottweiler's balls?"
444
00:26:52,563 --> 00:26:54,773
Now you see why you need us?
445
00:26:55,315 --> 00:26:58,444
We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,
446
00:26:58,527 --> 00:27:00,863
subpoenas, and defamation suits.
447
00:27:00,946 --> 00:27:03,198
- "Sub-poena"?
- Yeah, remember we're on your side.
448
00:27:03,282 --> 00:27:04,950
No matter what side that is.
449
00:27:05,034 --> 00:27:06,910
- We're Loomis.
- And Loomis.
450
00:27:06,994 --> 00:27:08,704
And we'll see you in court...
451
00:27:08,787 --> 00:27:09,830
- Ship.
- Ship.
452
00:27:15,085 --> 00:27:16,754
That's good. That was good.
453
00:27:16,837 --> 00:27:17,838
It's subtle.
454
00:27:17,921 --> 00:27:19,340
- Yeah.
- So...
455
00:27:19,423 --> 00:27:23,052
Okay, good job.
Next sketch is from Darrell.
456
00:27:23,802 --> 00:27:26,013
Thomas Crapper Jr.
457
00:27:26,096 --> 00:27:29,016
We open on a 19th century
British schoolyard.
458
00:27:29,099 --> 00:27:31,894
A group of 9-year-old children
are milling about
459
00:27:31,977 --> 00:27:35,189
and trying to figure out what they want
to do now that school is let out.
460
00:27:35,272 --> 00:27:37,149
Wanna come over to my house?
461
00:27:37,232 --> 00:27:39,443
No. Your house smells.
462
00:27:39,526 --> 00:27:40,694
How about my house?
463
00:27:41,195 --> 00:27:43,989
No. Your house smells too.
464
00:27:44,073 --> 00:27:45,824
My house doesn't smell.
465
00:27:45,908 --> 00:27:46,742
How come?
466
00:27:47,451 --> 00:27:49,244
I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.
467
00:27:49,328 --> 00:27:52,122
My father invented the flush toilet.
468
00:27:52,206 --> 00:27:54,708
Then let's go over to his house.
469
00:27:56,585 --> 00:27:58,003
All right, all right.
470
00:28:00,589 --> 00:28:02,883
All right, guys. Very funny stuff.
471
00:28:02,966 --> 00:28:04,927
Let's put together a show.
472
00:28:05,594 --> 00:28:06,720
Sex Refs.
473
00:28:07,763 --> 00:28:10,265
You guys wrote a really funny sketch.
474
00:28:10,891 --> 00:28:12,101
But...
475
00:28:12,726 --> 00:28:16,146
But what? Sarah and Roger were hilarious.
476
00:28:16,230 --> 00:28:17,398
- Correct.
- I don't know.
477
00:28:17,481 --> 00:28:19,274
I don't know. Charlie, what do you think?
478
00:28:19,358 --> 00:28:23,570
Very funny idea. But a thumb
up the ass, rottweiler's balls...
479
00:28:23,654 --> 00:28:25,531
What are you talking about?
They got laughs.
480
00:28:25,614 --> 00:28:27,616
Of course they will. They always will.
481
00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:29,159
But is it the right kind of laugh?
482
00:28:29,827 --> 00:28:31,453
Because it's a very smart idea.
483
00:28:32,162 --> 00:28:33,163
Angry Librarians?
484
00:28:33,247 --> 00:28:34,456
- So funny.
- You should do it.
485
00:28:34,540 --> 00:28:35,374
I agree.
486
00:28:35,916 --> 00:28:37,251
Thomas Crapper Jr.
487
00:28:37,334 --> 00:28:38,210
Hell, no.
488
00:28:38,293 --> 00:28:41,005
Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up
489
00:28:41,088 --> 00:28:43,090
but he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.
490
00:28:43,674 --> 00:28:44,758
It's not that bad.
491
00:28:46,301 --> 00:28:48,303
First of all,
if they spoke in English accents
492
00:28:48,387 --> 00:28:50,222
the way they were supposed to,
493
00:28:50,305 --> 00:28:53,475
it would've been a little bit better
but the whole thing's not framed right.
494
00:28:53,559 --> 00:28:55,602
Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.
495
00:28:59,064 --> 00:29:00,566
Listen, we hired Darrell
496
00:29:00,649 --> 00:29:04,278
because he wrote those
really funny essays for the Lampoon.
497
00:29:04,361 --> 00:29:06,196
I think it's a little hard
to make the leap
498
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:08,282
from print to live,
that's all. It takes time.
499
00:29:08,365 --> 00:29:09,742
You think he's a good writer?
500
00:29:11,452 --> 00:29:13,495
Yeah. I think it's in there.
501
00:29:13,579 --> 00:29:15,205
But I think it needs to be encouraged.
502
00:29:15,289 --> 00:29:18,334
Listen, you guys
are a very fast crowd to run with
503
00:29:18,417 --> 00:29:22,338
and I also think that Inflection Mangler
Roger should be hit in the head
504
00:29:22,421 --> 00:29:23,922
until he says "subpoena" right.
505
00:29:24,006 --> 00:29:27,718
I mean, come on. "Sub-poena,"
what is that? A very small poena?
506
00:29:27,801 --> 00:29:29,261
That's an inferior poena.
507
00:29:29,345 --> 00:29:32,556
An underground poena? I mean,
what is his problem?
508
00:29:33,557 --> 00:29:35,392
You know, but here's the thing.
509
00:29:35,684 --> 00:29:37,227
There's a music to comedy.
510
00:29:37,311 --> 00:29:39,229
There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.
511
00:29:39,313 --> 00:29:41,023
- He's out of tune.
- We're working on it.
512
00:29:41,106 --> 00:29:43,650
Keep working because it's driving me nuts.
513
00:29:43,734 --> 00:29:46,820
- All right. What's next?
- I have to go.
514
00:29:46,904 --> 00:29:50,199
- I'm sorry, I have my... Excuse me.
- Oh, right.
515
00:29:50,282 --> 00:29:52,284
- Yeah.
- Have a great time.
516
00:29:52,368 --> 00:29:53,202
Thanks.
517
00:29:54,119 --> 00:29:55,037
I wish I could go.
518
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,331
- Hey. You got a job.
- Yeah. All right.
519
00:29:57,414 --> 00:29:58,791
- Good night.
- Good night.
520
00:29:58,874 --> 00:29:59,958
Good night.
521
00:30:00,709 --> 00:30:03,629
They're honoring Charlie
522
00:30:03,712 --> 00:30:06,173
and the whole cast
at the American Film Society
523
00:30:06,256 --> 00:30:08,592
for the 30th anniversary
of Call Me Anytime.
524
00:30:09,301 --> 00:30:12,388
Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.
525
00:30:12,471 --> 00:30:15,099
Such a funny movie. Have you seen it?
526
00:30:15,808 --> 00:30:16,767
Yeah. It's great.
527
00:30:18,102 --> 00:30:20,270
All right. What's up?
528
00:30:22,147 --> 00:30:23,941
Look, you know I love Charlie.
529
00:30:24,608 --> 00:30:26,652
I know he gave you
your start and everything.
530
00:30:26,735 --> 00:30:28,529
But... come on.
531
00:30:29,029 --> 00:30:32,157
I just don't know what he brings
to the show anymore.
532
00:30:32,241 --> 00:30:34,243
Aside from 40 years' experience?
533
00:30:34,994 --> 00:30:37,246
And a body of work that includes shows
534
00:30:37,329 --> 00:30:39,289
that made it possible
for this show to exist?
535
00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:46,588
Look, I know how you
can question Charlie's value.
536
00:30:47,297 --> 00:30:50,426
But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.
537
00:30:51,176 --> 00:30:52,678
And he's my consigliere.
538
00:30:53,512 --> 00:30:56,807
When you write sketches with
a thumb up someone's ass,
539
00:30:57,474 --> 00:30:59,018
or a rottweiler's balls,
540
00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:02,479
he's the one who reminds me
what we should be putting on the air.
541
00:31:03,689 --> 00:31:07,317
Bottom-line, as long as
I am producing this show,
542
00:31:07,401 --> 00:31:08,861
Charlie will be here.
543
00:31:10,779 --> 00:31:13,073
- Okay?
- You got it.
544
00:31:13,157 --> 00:31:14,366
- All right.
- Yeah.
545
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:16,994
- Let's get back to work.
- Yeah.
546
00:31:26,628 --> 00:31:27,963
Go, go.
547
00:31:30,007 --> 00:31:31,383
Close the door, close the door.
548
00:31:33,886 --> 00:31:34,845
Turn off the lights.
549
00:31:36,013 --> 00:31:37,139
Come here.
550
00:31:40,017 --> 00:31:42,686
I can't do this anymore.
551
00:31:42,770 --> 00:31:43,687
Why?
552
00:31:44,521 --> 00:31:47,441
You're married, I'm married.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.
553
00:31:47,524 --> 00:31:48,901
Well, neither do I.
554
00:31:50,277 --> 00:31:52,946
I just don't know what to do.
555
00:31:53,030 --> 00:31:55,741
But wait, wait, wait. Let's make a plan.
556
00:31:55,824 --> 00:31:59,828
Every year, we will meet
here in the Tuckmans' bathroom,
557
00:31:59,912 --> 00:32:01,413
at their Halloween party.
558
00:32:02,289 --> 00:32:05,668
- What about the Tuckmans' Christmas party?
- No, we've got to be strong.
559
00:32:10,005 --> 00:32:12,841
Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.
560
00:32:12,925 --> 00:32:14,885
Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.
561
00:32:16,345 --> 00:32:19,973
Please welcome,
the director of Call Me Anytime,
562
00:32:20,057 --> 00:32:21,225
Barry Levinson.
563
00:32:21,308 --> 00:32:23,560
Its writer, Charlie Burnz,
564
00:32:23,644 --> 00:32:27,898
and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.
565
00:32:34,863 --> 00:32:37,074
I have to say, right off the top.
566
00:32:37,157 --> 00:32:39,368
I really loved this film.
567
00:32:39,451 --> 00:32:42,037
In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight
568
00:32:42,121 --> 00:32:44,331
just to be here, to do this instead.
569
00:32:44,415 --> 00:32:46,333
All right, so what's the
germ of all this?
570
00:32:46,417 --> 00:32:47,626
How did it all get started?
571
00:32:48,502 --> 00:32:53,841
Well, Charlie and I originally met
on The Carol Burnett Show ages ago.
572
00:32:53,924 --> 00:32:57,177
And he wrote a lot of very funny sketches.
573
00:32:57,803 --> 00:33:02,099
Shy guy, always called me Mr. Levinson.
574
00:33:02,182 --> 00:33:03,642
Even though we were friendly.
575
00:33:04,143 --> 00:33:09,064
All right, what happened was I read
Charlie's script and I thought:
576
00:33:09,148 --> 00:33:10,691
"Well this is a perfect film to do."
577
00:33:11,483 --> 00:33:14,737
So the next day, I get a call
from Barry and he says:
578
00:33:14,820 --> 00:33:17,906
"I just read this script, it's terrific.
You gotta read it.
579
00:33:17,990 --> 00:33:19,700
The character, she's you."
580
00:33:19,783 --> 00:33:23,412
And I said, "She's completely compulsive,
she'll do anything. I'm in."
581
00:33:25,247 --> 00:33:31,170
And then the next day, he called me.
I read the script and then I was in.
582
00:33:31,253 --> 00:33:36,300
Literally three days later, we got a go.
And I called Charlie with the good news.
583
00:33:36,383 --> 00:33:39,553
And so Charlie, you get the call,
what did Barry say?
584
00:33:40,137 --> 00:33:41,138
Who?
585
00:33:41,889 --> 00:33:42,931
Mr. Levinson.
586
00:33:44,808 --> 00:33:48,645
It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.
587
00:33:48,729 --> 00:33:50,147
It's great to meet you.
588
00:33:50,230 --> 00:33:54,276
I was just thrilled and shocked that...
589
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:55,569
Mr. Levinson.
590
00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:03,035
Wanted to direct my first...
This was my first screenplay.
591
00:34:03,118 --> 00:34:08,165
And that Kevin Kline was gonna play Ben,
and that... help me.
592
00:34:08,247 --> 00:34:10,209
- Meryl Streep.
- Hello.
593
00:34:11,126 --> 00:34:13,504
Was gonna play Iris.
594
00:34:13,587 --> 00:34:16,631
And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,
595
00:34:16,714 --> 00:34:18,425
this good news would've killed them.
596
00:34:20,218 --> 00:34:24,973
Charlie's work is... It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.
597
00:34:25,057 --> 00:34:28,477
And I think it shows
people as real people.
598
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:30,187
It's exceptional writing.
599
00:34:38,278 --> 00:34:41,448
Hey, old man. You were great up there.
600
00:34:41,531 --> 00:34:44,118
Hey. You were inside?
601
00:34:44,201 --> 00:34:47,413
Yeah. And I loved it. Second installment.
602
00:34:47,495 --> 00:34:50,749
It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.
603
00:34:51,917 --> 00:34:54,878
Well, this is a lovely surprise.
604
00:34:54,962 --> 00:34:56,504
How'd you know about this?
605
00:34:56,588 --> 00:34:57,673
My loser ex.
606
00:34:57,756 --> 00:35:00,718
I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.
607
00:35:00,801 --> 00:35:01,969
I'm really sorry.
608
00:35:03,762 --> 00:35:06,724
No, I like seeing you up there.
It was so cool.
609
00:35:06,807 --> 00:35:08,642
You've done a lot of big things.
610
00:35:08,726 --> 00:35:09,810
I got lucky.
611
00:35:09,893 --> 00:35:12,521
Being good
ain't got nothing to do with luck.
612
00:35:13,272 --> 00:35:14,231
I guess.
613
00:35:16,233 --> 00:35:17,818
Why do you have birds in your hair?
614
00:35:17,901 --> 00:35:18,861
Why not?
615
00:35:19,403 --> 00:35:20,863
Shit, what time is it?
616
00:35:21,447 --> 00:35:23,115
I'm gonna be late for work.
617
00:35:23,198 --> 00:35:24,616
- I gotta go. Come with me.
- Work?
618
00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:25,784
- Yeah. Come on.
- Now?
619
00:35:25,868 --> 00:35:26,702
Yeah.
620
00:35:26,785 --> 00:35:28,120
What do you do?
621
00:35:31,957 --> 00:35:33,751
Up in Harlem, at a table for two
622
00:35:33,834 --> 00:35:36,587
There were four of us
Me, your big feet and you
623
00:35:36,670 --> 00:35:39,381
From your ankles up
I say you sure look sweet
624
00:35:39,465 --> 00:35:42,217
But from there down
There's just too much feet!
625
00:35:42,301 --> 00:35:44,011
Yeah, your feet too big
626
00:35:44,094 --> 00:35:46,930
I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big
627
00:35:47,014 --> 00:35:49,516
I can't use ya
'Cause your feet's too big
628
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,019
I really hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big
629
00:35:52,102 --> 00:35:53,687
Your feet's too big!
630
00:35:56,523 --> 00:35:59,443
Where d'ya get 'em?
Where d'ya get 'em?
631
00:35:59,526 --> 00:36:01,904
Your girl, she likes ya
She thinks you're nice
632
00:36:01,987 --> 00:36:04,656
Got what it takes to go to paradise
633
00:36:04,740 --> 00:36:07,368
She likes your face
Said she likes your rig
634
00:36:07,451 --> 00:36:10,412
But, man, oh, man
Them things are too big
635
00:36:10,496 --> 00:36:11,705
Your feet's too big
636
00:36:11,789 --> 00:36:14,667
I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big
637
00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:17,294
I'm mad at ya
'Cause your feet's too big
638
00:36:17,378 --> 00:36:19,880
I hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big
639
00:36:21,340 --> 00:36:24,218
Yeah, I come from a pretty small family.
640
00:36:25,552 --> 00:36:28,847
My mom and dad were singers.
641
00:36:28,931 --> 00:36:30,265
Mo and Jessie.
642
00:36:30,808 --> 00:36:32,726
They were kind of like
Ashford and Simpson.
643
00:36:32,810 --> 00:36:34,186
But they never made it big
644
00:36:34,269 --> 00:36:37,648
because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.
645
00:36:38,273 --> 00:36:41,068
We used to have a lot of fun,
they thought me how to harmonize,
646
00:36:41,568 --> 00:36:45,781
and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.
647
00:36:45,864 --> 00:36:50,119
And my mom, she had these
beautiful dreamcatchers that she makes.
648
00:36:50,202 --> 00:36:53,539
They live just outside of Charlotte.
I love them both to pieces.
649
00:36:54,081 --> 00:36:55,165
They sound great.
650
00:36:58,711 --> 00:37:01,046
I love the way
the air smells after it rains.
651
00:37:02,339 --> 00:37:06,218
Listen, if you ever need my help
with what you're going through right now,
652
00:37:06,885 --> 00:37:09,638
even if you need someone to talk to,
I'm here.
653
00:37:09,722 --> 00:37:13,100
Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?
654
00:37:13,809 --> 00:37:16,186
You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?
655
00:37:16,854 --> 00:37:18,522
Oh, that. I get a little tongue tied.
656
00:37:18,605 --> 00:37:19,940
I don't like being on-stage.
657
00:37:20,024 --> 00:37:21,150
And what stage were you on
658
00:37:21,233 --> 00:37:23,652
when you wrote your family's names
under their pictures?
659
00:37:23,736 --> 00:37:25,029
I told you, that's how I work.
660
00:37:25,112 --> 00:37:27,239
It's a project that I'm working on, and...
661
00:37:27,322 --> 00:37:30,617
Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.
662
00:37:34,747 --> 00:37:36,498
It started innocently enough.
663
00:37:37,249 --> 00:37:41,337
I'd have trouble remembering things.
A name, a place, a fork.
664
00:37:42,254 --> 00:37:44,214
And I think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.
665
00:37:44,298 --> 00:37:46,050
You know, you're having senior moments."
666
00:37:46,925 --> 00:37:48,969
But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,
667
00:37:49,053 --> 00:37:50,846
and I can't remember his name.
668
00:37:50,929 --> 00:37:52,890
He's going on and on and on.
669
00:37:52,973 --> 00:37:54,350
I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this?"
670
00:37:54,433 --> 00:37:56,769
Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.
671
00:37:56,852 --> 00:37:59,646
So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.
672
00:37:59,730 --> 00:38:05,069
And while I'm laughing, I'm panicking.
Thinking, "Who the hell is this?"
673
00:38:05,152 --> 00:38:06,570
Did you know him?
674
00:38:08,405 --> 00:38:09,698
He was my son.
675
00:38:13,702 --> 00:38:16,580
Yeah. It's happening.
676
00:38:18,290 --> 00:38:21,001
Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.
677
00:38:26,924 --> 00:38:27,800
Who's Carrie?
678
00:38:29,677 --> 00:38:32,721
I saw that on the title page
at your house.
679
00:38:34,723 --> 00:38:36,141
Carrie was my wife.
680
00:38:37,601 --> 00:38:38,519
She died.
681
00:38:40,437 --> 00:38:41,772
Long time ago.
682
00:38:43,941 --> 00:38:47,319
And I'm writing something for her.
683
00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:50,406
And I have to finish
before my words run out.
684
00:38:50,489 --> 00:38:52,324
When did you start working on it?
685
00:38:53,075 --> 00:38:55,077
About an hour after I was diagnosed.
686
00:38:56,078 --> 00:38:57,329
And how's it going?
687
00:38:57,413 --> 00:38:58,872
It's going really well.
688
00:38:59,665 --> 00:39:02,793
My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.
689
00:39:02,876 --> 00:39:04,461
Don't lie to me, old man.
690
00:39:05,045 --> 00:39:07,589
I know you haven't started
writing one single word.
691
00:39:08,674 --> 00:39:10,342
- Let me see your phone.
- My phone?
692
00:39:10,426 --> 00:39:11,635
- Your phone.
- Okay.
693
00:39:13,220 --> 00:39:14,096
Okay.
694
00:39:15,055 --> 00:39:18,767
This is my name, this is my number, okay?
695
00:39:18,851 --> 00:39:20,602
Now, even if you don't wanna contact me,
696
00:39:20,686 --> 00:39:25,649
I just want you to know that I'm not some
allergic-to-shellfish nut
697
00:39:25,733 --> 00:39:27,484
that's half your age plus four,
698
00:39:27,568 --> 00:39:29,695
that wants to help you
because you helped me.
699
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:31,905
You don't stop for commas, do you?
700
00:39:32,614 --> 00:39:33,991
Life's too short for commas.
701
00:39:41,081 --> 00:39:43,876
Darrell, this is better.
702
00:39:44,543 --> 00:39:45,919
Try this as a tag.
703
00:39:47,087 --> 00:39:50,215
Let's do it in the dress rehearsal.
What do you think?
704
00:39:51,175 --> 00:39:53,344
Yeah. That's great.
705
00:39:53,427 --> 00:39:54,970
- Are we good?
- Yeah. Thanks.
706
00:39:55,054 --> 00:39:56,347
- Good. Alrighty.
- All right.
707
00:39:57,848 --> 00:39:59,600
Do you want to come to my house and play?
708
00:39:59,683 --> 00:40:01,852
No, your house smells.
709
00:40:02,603 --> 00:40:04,521
Then come to my house and play.
710
00:40:04,605 --> 00:40:07,399
No, your house smells too.
711
00:40:08,442 --> 00:40:11,528
My house doesn't smell. We can play there.
712
00:40:11,612 --> 00:40:13,530
Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.
713
00:40:13,614 --> 00:40:15,449
His father invented the flushing toilet.
714
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:17,910
That's a lot of crap.
715
00:40:18,619 --> 00:40:20,871
Not anymore.
716
00:40:20,954 --> 00:40:22,998
Let's go to his house!
717
00:40:23,749 --> 00:40:29,046
Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,
the father of the modern toilet.
718
00:40:29,129 --> 00:40:31,173
I'm Jeff Goldblum.
719
00:40:34,968 --> 00:40:41,016
This has been a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.
720
00:40:42,643 --> 00:40:46,063
Change your toilet. Change the world.
721
00:40:47,022 --> 00:40:48,941
Commercial break! Two minutes.
722
00:40:52,152 --> 00:40:53,153
Not bad.
723
00:40:53,237 --> 00:40:56,115
- Great fix, Darrell.
- The Goldblum thing was funny.
724
00:40:56,198 --> 00:40:57,074
Thanks.
725
00:40:57,157 --> 00:41:01,370
I think we'll slot it after the third
commercial break. Got one on the air.
726
00:41:01,453 --> 00:41:02,621
All right.
727
00:41:04,164 --> 00:41:06,375
Yeah. Yeah.
728
00:41:30,858 --> 00:41:32,317
How did you meet Carrie?
729
00:41:42,077 --> 00:41:44,997
Come on, old man. How did you two meet?
730
00:41:53,297 --> 00:41:55,215
Damn it, I hate this stuff.
731
00:41:56,967 --> 00:41:58,802
Hey, you know what really does the trick?
732
00:42:00,137 --> 00:42:01,138
What?
733
00:42:01,221 --> 00:42:02,097
Butter.
734
00:42:03,098 --> 00:42:05,267
- Did you just say butter?
- I'm telling you. Butter.
735
00:42:05,351 --> 00:42:08,270
No, really. There's a lot of tar
on the beach this year.
736
00:42:08,354 --> 00:42:12,399
What you do is you take a stick of butter
and just keep rubbing it into the tar
737
00:42:12,483 --> 00:42:15,903
and somehow it breaks it down,
you can just wipe it away
738
00:42:15,986 --> 00:42:18,113
and you don't have to use
that tomahawk of a shell
739
00:42:18,197 --> 00:42:20,115
that you're using
which is probably taking off
740
00:42:20,199 --> 00:42:22,076
all the epidermis
on the bottom of your foot.
741
00:42:22,785 --> 00:42:24,787
- Hi.
- Hi.
742
00:42:24,870 --> 00:42:26,205
I'm Charlie Burnz.
743
00:42:26,288 --> 00:42:27,539
Hello, Charlie Burnz.
744
00:42:29,750 --> 00:42:30,876
I'm Carrie.
745
00:42:30,959 --> 00:42:35,089
Carrie? Is that short for Caren
or Carina or a Catherine?
746
00:42:35,589 --> 00:42:37,716
- Florence.
- Florence?
747
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:38,717
Don't ask.
748
00:42:39,218 --> 00:42:41,804
Florence. Well that's a great
old-fashioned name.
749
00:42:41,887 --> 00:42:44,014
That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.
750
00:42:44,098 --> 00:42:46,975
I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.
751
00:42:47,059 --> 00:42:48,477
Herman, come away from the water.
752
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:50,688
Irving, don't put that
puppy in your mouth.
753
00:42:50,771 --> 00:42:54,358
Mildred just pooped in the toilet.
A big hand for Mildred.
754
00:42:54,942 --> 00:42:57,611
- You don't hear those names.
- That's true.
755
00:42:59,154 --> 00:43:02,908
Listen, I live in that white house,
like, right over there.
756
00:43:02,991 --> 00:43:05,911
And I happen to have
like half a ton of butter.
757
00:43:05,995 --> 00:43:07,037
So, if you...
758
00:43:07,121 --> 00:43:11,500
Yeah, I won a dairy contest.
You had to guess how much the cow weighed.
759
00:43:11,583 --> 00:43:13,961
And I can de-tar you.
760
00:43:14,044 --> 00:43:16,338
And I mean that in a very respectful way.
761
00:43:18,424 --> 00:43:19,508
Okay.
762
00:43:27,391 --> 00:43:29,059
Wow, is that a paint-by-number?
763
00:43:29,977 --> 00:43:33,355
It's you again. Hello, Charlie Burnz.
764
00:43:33,439 --> 00:43:34,523
Hey, Carrie.
765
00:43:35,190 --> 00:43:36,233
It's really good.
766
00:43:36,316 --> 00:43:37,860
- Yeah? You like it?
- Yeah.
767
00:43:37,943 --> 00:43:39,528
- You know what else I like?
- What?
768
00:43:39,611 --> 00:43:41,822
- Steamed clams.
- Oh, yeah?
769
00:43:41,905 --> 00:43:44,324
- Yeah.
- I've never had steamed clams.
770
00:43:44,408 --> 00:43:46,535
Okay, my house, 7 p.m.
771
00:43:47,995 --> 00:43:48,829
Deal.
772
00:43:50,039 --> 00:43:55,586
Here we go. Okay, take the clam.
Spread it apart. Rinse it in the broth.
773
00:43:56,170 --> 00:43:59,256
And then to the butter.
And then to your mouth.
774
00:43:59,340 --> 00:44:01,633
It's a little bit of heaven.
Isn't it great?
775
00:44:02,384 --> 00:44:04,219
Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
776
00:44:04,303 --> 00:44:05,971
That's disgusting.
777
00:44:06,055 --> 00:44:08,223
- Please don't sue.
- Oh, man.
778
00:44:09,516 --> 00:44:11,352
- Pizza?
- I'll call Gino's.
779
00:44:24,948 --> 00:44:26,784
I just got this rug.
780
00:44:27,910 --> 00:44:29,662
This is like tracking Bigfoot.
781
00:44:35,584 --> 00:44:36,460
Hey.
782
00:44:37,419 --> 00:44:38,420
Hey.
783
00:44:38,504 --> 00:44:39,672
Carrie.
784
00:44:40,673 --> 00:44:41,757
Good morning.
785
00:44:46,679 --> 00:44:47,554
Here.
786
00:44:49,264 --> 00:44:51,558
Good morning, Charlie Burnz.
787
00:44:53,310 --> 00:44:56,313
Here. A little something for breakfast.
788
00:44:56,939 --> 00:44:58,357
It's a beautiful day.
789
00:45:03,237 --> 00:45:04,655
Oh, God.
790
00:45:08,325 --> 00:45:09,493
Okay.
791
00:45:11,453 --> 00:45:12,788
De-tar me.
792
00:45:13,372 --> 00:45:16,208
But it seems a shame to waste
the butter on my foot.
793
00:45:17,292 --> 00:45:18,627
Come here.
794
00:45:18,711 --> 00:45:19,837
Okay.
795
00:45:22,506 --> 00:45:23,382
Hi.
796
00:45:39,565 --> 00:45:41,775
Well, hello. Old friend.
797
00:46:33,577 --> 00:46:38,999
And you can't tell the depth of a well
By the length of the handle on the pump
798
00:46:39,083 --> 00:46:42,544
Baby, how can you tell about me?
799
00:46:43,921 --> 00:46:46,423
Now you can't tell a bottle by the label
800
00:46:46,507 --> 00:46:48,884
That's how it is with me
801
00:46:48,967 --> 00:46:51,804
Some folks call me a ladle,
802
00:46:51,887 --> 00:46:55,724
Give me a chance and you'll see
803
00:46:55,808 --> 00:46:59,978
You can't tell the depth of a well
By the length of the handle on the pump
804
00:47:00,062 --> 00:47:00,896
Thank you, boo.
805
00:47:00,979 --> 00:47:04,650
Baby, baby, baby
806
00:47:04,733 --> 00:47:08,487
Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby
807
00:47:08,570 --> 00:47:12,366
How can you tell about me? Yeah
808
00:47:12,449 --> 00:47:15,327
All right now,
make sure you make a donation.
809
00:47:16,286 --> 00:47:18,080
Thank you,
we'll see you in a few months.
810
00:47:18,163 --> 00:47:19,456
We're going on tour.
811
00:47:19,540 --> 00:47:23,544
A tour. Four months, 50 cities.
Theaters, clubs.
812
00:47:23,627 --> 00:47:25,504
- And we got a tour bus.
- Can you believe it?
813
00:47:25,587 --> 00:47:27,840
Man, it's awesome. I'm in, all the way.
814
00:47:27,923 --> 00:47:29,883
- Awesome.
- All right guys, I'll see you later.
815
00:47:29,967 --> 00:47:31,510
- See you.
- That's cool.
816
00:47:33,012 --> 00:47:34,096
You sounded great.
817
00:47:35,806 --> 00:47:36,932
What are you doing here?
818
00:47:37,016 --> 00:47:40,811
Em, I'm sorry. I messed up. Please.
819
00:47:40,894 --> 00:47:44,732
It's too late. I've moved on,
I met someone and we're in love.
820
00:47:44,815 --> 00:47:47,693
What? Already? Bullshit.
821
00:47:47,776 --> 00:47:49,695
- He's over there. Wanna meet him?
- Okay.
822
00:47:49,778 --> 00:47:51,864
Come on,
you'll see if it's some bullshit or not.
823
00:47:53,032 --> 00:47:54,658
- Hey.
- Hey, old man.
824
00:47:54,742 --> 00:47:57,745
Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.
825
00:47:58,245 --> 00:47:59,246
What is going on here?
826
00:48:00,039 --> 00:48:04,168
Charlie, this is my ex-boyfriend,
Dwayne St. John.
827
00:48:04,793 --> 00:48:07,421
- Oh, I hear you're a fan. Thank you.
- This is your boyfriend?
828
00:48:07,504 --> 00:48:10,382
- No, he's my bae.
- You used my auction thing!
829
00:48:10,466 --> 00:48:12,551
Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.
830
00:48:12,634 --> 00:48:15,471
And thank you. It's the first day
of the rest of my life.
831
00:48:15,554 --> 00:48:16,388
Ain't that right?
832
00:48:17,222 --> 00:48:18,307
Yeah.
833
00:48:18,932 --> 00:48:22,311
- I love everything you do.
- And now he's doing me.
834
00:48:22,394 --> 00:48:24,146
Ain't that right, Charlie?
835
00:48:24,229 --> 00:48:26,190
You got that right... baby.
836
00:48:27,441 --> 00:48:28,817
We are late for lunch.
837
00:48:28,901 --> 00:48:32,571
And I would love
a seafood salad right now.
838
00:48:33,489 --> 00:48:35,824
- Okay.
- This is so crazy.
839
00:48:36,825 --> 00:48:39,244
In acting class,
I was doing the scene from your play...
840
00:48:39,328 --> 00:48:40,829
Do you wanna just take a picture?
841
00:48:41,497 --> 00:48:43,999
- Could I? Okay with you, sir?
- Sure.
842
00:48:44,083 --> 00:48:47,044
- Man, this is amazing.
- I'll take it. I know the password.
843
00:48:47,586 --> 00:48:49,129
All right, get closer.
844
00:48:50,047 --> 00:48:51,340
Okay, now, smile.
845
00:48:51,423 --> 00:48:54,134
Put your hands up in the air.
Yeah, like you won something.
846
00:48:56,261 --> 00:48:58,013
There you go. Okay.
Charlie, come up here.
847
00:48:58,097 --> 00:48:59,765
Is this good enough?
848
00:49:02,351 --> 00:49:06,480
Now you'll always remember
what me and your idol look like together.
849
00:49:06,563 --> 00:49:07,648
Bye-bye.
850
00:49:13,737 --> 00:49:15,864
- You okay?
- I will be.
851
00:49:16,699 --> 00:49:19,451
- I want some ice cream.
- Okay.
852
00:49:19,535 --> 00:49:22,079
And a triple vegan delight.
853
00:49:22,162 --> 00:49:24,415
Wow, that looks like the Olympic torch.
854
00:49:25,249 --> 00:49:26,959
Hey, I gotta change the name.
855
00:49:30,879 --> 00:49:32,506
So when would you leave?
856
00:49:33,173 --> 00:49:36,301
In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.
857
00:49:36,385 --> 00:49:40,180
This record producer saw our videos and...
858
00:49:40,848 --> 00:49:43,517
he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!
859
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:47,146
We going on tour for four months,
on a tour bus,
860
00:49:47,229 --> 00:49:50,357
and we're already
talking about doing an album, it's...
861
00:49:50,441 --> 00:49:53,986
Charlie, I'm sorry. I'm doing all the
talking. You said something good happened?
862
00:49:54,862 --> 00:49:57,865
- I wrote last night.
- You did? That's awesome.
863
00:49:57,948 --> 00:49:59,783
It was fantastic. Just like the old days.
864
00:49:59,867 --> 00:50:02,703
Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.
865
00:50:03,329 --> 00:50:05,122
Izzy Perlman? Who's Izzy Perlman?
866
00:50:05,205 --> 00:50:06,623
Not Izzy Perlman.
867
00:50:06,707 --> 00:50:09,626
Izzy Pearlman
sold my parents' Venetian blinds.
868
00:50:09,710 --> 00:50:13,505
Itzhak Perlman is one
of the greatest violinists in the world.
869
00:50:13,589 --> 00:50:14,965
Ask your phone who he is!
870
00:50:15,049 --> 00:50:18,385
He lives in the building behind me
and he likes to practice at night.
871
00:50:18,469 --> 00:50:21,930
I just open my window
and it's like a free Itzhak festival.
872
00:50:22,014 --> 00:50:24,099
One of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.
873
00:50:30,773 --> 00:50:32,274
What was that for?
874
00:50:32,358 --> 00:50:35,277
Don't think I would've written anything
if you didn't get me started.
875
00:50:37,237 --> 00:50:39,114
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
876
00:50:42,493 --> 00:50:43,410
Hey...
877
00:50:44,203 --> 00:50:46,497
- Are you doing anything right now?
- No.
878
00:50:47,247 --> 00:50:49,917
It's my day off. Wanna have some laughs?
879
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,419
- Hell, yeah.
- Come on.
880
00:50:53,170 --> 00:50:55,964
- Wax museum?
- Trust me, it's fun.
881
00:50:56,048 --> 00:50:57,633
Don't tell me there's one of you.
882
00:50:57,716 --> 00:50:59,259
- Come on.
- Okay.
883
00:51:01,053 --> 00:51:03,639
This is Marilyn Monroe
from The Seven Year Itch.
884
00:51:04,306 --> 00:51:07,851
I'd be itchy too if I had
hot subway air blowing up my ass.
885
00:51:07,935 --> 00:51:09,687
Is that who I think it is?
886
00:51:10,979 --> 00:51:13,232
Hello, Dalai.
887
00:51:13,315 --> 00:51:15,651
Come on, queen. Smile, girl. Smile.
888
00:51:17,403 --> 00:51:19,488
What could he possibly be thinking?
889
00:51:21,073 --> 00:51:23,450
"Shouldn't have had the seafood salad."
890
00:51:24,660 --> 00:51:26,245
- Picasso.
- I don't dig him.
891
00:51:26,328 --> 00:51:27,204
- Why?
- Sexist.
892
00:51:27,287 --> 00:51:30,040
If I did a painting of you
with three willies, would you be happy?
893
00:51:30,124 --> 00:51:31,291
I'd be ecstatic.
894
00:51:32,668 --> 00:51:36,797
The Theory of Relativity
is never lend your relatives money.
895
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:39,091
You can kiss that ten bucks goodbye.
896
00:51:42,052 --> 00:51:43,804
Golda, tell me again.
I don't understand.
897
00:51:43,887 --> 00:51:45,180
Okay, Mr. Arafat.
898
00:51:45,264 --> 00:51:47,725
It's "Chanukah," not "Hanukkah."
899
00:51:47,808 --> 00:51:49,351
I'm having trouble with the...
900
00:51:49,435 --> 00:51:51,353
I'm having trouble with the...!
901
00:51:51,979 --> 00:51:53,897
Pope? Party of five?
902
00:51:54,648 --> 00:51:57,735
- I am not a crook.
- Oh, bullshit, Dickie.
903
00:51:57,818 --> 00:51:59,486
Then why are you so sweaty?
904
00:52:00,029 --> 00:52:01,905
Man, he is really cross-eyed.
905
00:52:01,989 --> 00:52:05,034
That's why he didn't find
any weapons of mass destruction.
906
00:52:08,579 --> 00:52:10,289
- So you have two kids, right?
- Yeah.
907
00:52:10,372 --> 00:52:14,043
Francine teaches math
at a middle school in New Jersey.
908
00:52:14,126 --> 00:52:16,170
And my son Rex is an architect.
909
00:52:16,253 --> 00:52:18,213
And Rex is a...
910
00:52:19,048 --> 00:52:20,758
He's a pretty brilliant kid.
911
00:52:20,841 --> 00:52:24,136
He should be. He was born
at the American Museum of Natural History.
912
00:52:25,846 --> 00:52:28,140
This was so nice. Thank you.
913
00:52:31,268 --> 00:52:35,105
I wanna ask you a question.
And I'm a little nervous about it,
914
00:52:35,189 --> 00:52:38,275
because I don't remember
the last time I asked this, if ever.
915
00:52:40,819 --> 00:52:44,114
Would like to be my date
for my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
916
00:52:44,198 --> 00:52:47,034
Her name's Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.
917
00:52:47,117 --> 00:52:48,994
And it would be
like a goodbye party for you
918
00:52:49,078 --> 00:52:51,205
except it's a bat mitzvah and not for you.
919
00:52:51,288 --> 00:52:53,707
I've never been to one before. When is it?
920
00:52:54,875 --> 00:52:57,628
- I don't remember, but soon.
- Way to narrow it down.
921
00:52:57,711 --> 00:53:01,090
- I have the invitation...
- Doesn't matter when.
922
00:53:01,173 --> 00:53:02,841
- I'd be happy to go.
- Yeah?
923
00:53:02,925 --> 00:53:04,927
- But only on one condition.
- What?
924
00:53:05,636 --> 00:53:06,804
That we dance together.
925
00:53:06,887 --> 00:53:09,598
Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer.
926
00:53:09,682 --> 00:53:11,642
One of the few with mambo insurance.
927
00:53:11,725 --> 00:53:14,561
Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.
928
00:53:15,187 --> 00:53:19,191
All right. But to be on the safe side,
wear a helmet and shoulder pads.
929
00:53:19,274 --> 00:53:21,318
- Done.
- Great.
930
00:53:49,471 --> 00:53:51,056
What's the matter, Carrie?
931
00:53:51,140 --> 00:53:53,434
I don't want the summer to be over.
932
00:53:53,517 --> 00:53:54,601
Well...
933
00:53:55,477 --> 00:53:58,230
maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.
934
00:54:00,482 --> 00:54:02,067
Good idea, Charlie Burnz.
935
00:54:24,089 --> 00:54:26,550
Stop sign... Left.
936
00:54:27,551 --> 00:54:29,928
Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.
937
00:54:30,012 --> 00:54:33,057
- This is the way I go.
- Sir, go this way. Not safe here.
938
00:54:33,140 --> 00:54:35,934
- I don't know that way.
- You gotta go that way.
939
00:54:36,018 --> 00:54:38,854
I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.
940
00:54:38,937 --> 00:54:41,315
It's a new day.
Cross the street and you'll be fine.
941
00:54:41,398 --> 00:54:44,318
- No! I have to go this way!
- Come on. Move!
942
00:54:48,072 --> 00:54:49,281
Sorry.
943
00:54:49,365 --> 00:54:51,116
What's the matter with you?
944
00:54:54,995 --> 00:54:58,749
That's the way I go. I go that way.
945
00:55:03,170 --> 00:55:06,423
What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?
946
00:55:07,049 --> 00:55:08,842
Get the hell out of the way!
947
00:55:10,177 --> 00:55:11,053
Hey!
948
00:55:11,887 --> 00:55:13,263
You, old man!
949
00:55:14,306 --> 00:55:17,935
Get the hell out of the way!
You're in the middle of the road!
950
00:55:18,727 --> 00:55:19,937
What, are you deaf?
951
00:56:00,227 --> 00:56:04,606
Hey, old man! Am I crazy or did you say
your son was born in a museum?
952
00:56:07,151 --> 00:56:09,737
Look at the size of this thing, honey.
953
00:56:09,820 --> 00:56:11,613
- Charlie...
- This is the only thing here
954
00:56:11,697 --> 00:56:14,408
that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!
955
00:56:14,491 --> 00:56:15,784
- Charlie.
- What?
956
00:56:16,577 --> 00:56:18,245
I think my water just broke.
957
00:56:19,121 --> 00:56:22,708
We gotta get you out of here.
We gotta get you out of here.
958
00:56:25,085 --> 00:56:27,629
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Honey... I need a doctor!
959
00:56:27,713 --> 00:56:29,757
- I need a doctor!
- What's the problem?
960
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:31,258
- My wife's having a baby.
- When?
961
00:56:31,342 --> 00:56:32,885
- Now!
- I'm gonna ask the supervisor
962
00:56:32,968 --> 00:56:34,887
- if that's okay.
- Are you kidding me?!
963
00:56:34,970 --> 00:56:36,597
- I am a doctor.
- What kind?
964
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:38,515
- Proctologist. Okay.
- Close enough.
965
00:56:38,599 --> 00:56:40,601
Oh, God. This baby's coming fast.
966
00:56:40,684 --> 00:56:43,187
Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.
967
00:56:43,270 --> 00:56:45,230
Really?! I have a baby coming through!
968
00:56:45,314 --> 00:56:47,524
Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.
969
00:56:47,608 --> 00:56:49,485
- Copy that.
- Hi.
970
00:56:49,568 --> 00:56:52,071
- You should know my name. It's Carrie.
- Hi. Hello.
971
00:56:52,154 --> 00:56:54,698
And that man
who looks so scared is Charlie.
972
00:56:54,782 --> 00:56:57,409
- Hi, Charlie.
- He's the daddy.
973
00:56:57,493 --> 00:56:58,661
- Good.
- What's your name?
974
00:56:58,744 --> 00:57:02,581
I'm Joe Katz. Okay? Take a breath.
Relax. You're doing just great.
975
00:57:02,665 --> 00:57:05,459
Now, listen.
I'll have to remove your underwear.
976
00:57:05,542 --> 00:57:08,796
Oh, that's a bit aggressive
for our first date, don't you think?
977
00:57:08,879 --> 00:57:09,963
There we go.
978
00:57:11,048 --> 00:57:12,800
- What should I do next?
- Nothing!
979
00:57:12,883 --> 00:57:14,718
Sure? They gave us a class with the doll...
980
00:57:14,802 --> 00:57:16,387
- Leave us alone!
- Okay. Sorry.
981
00:57:16,470 --> 00:57:19,890
Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?
982
00:57:19,973 --> 00:57:22,976
At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!
983
00:57:23,811 --> 00:57:25,479
- You okay?
- Just trying to think.
984
00:57:25,562 --> 00:57:27,981
Who took your panties off
at Rye Playland? I wasn't there.
985
00:57:28,065 --> 00:57:29,817
- What?
- It was Coney Island!
986
00:57:29,900 --> 00:57:31,860
Oh, you're right!
987
00:57:31,944 --> 00:57:34,154
- Oh, God.
- Lean forward slowly.
988
00:57:34,238 --> 00:57:36,657
And you're gonna push when I tell you.
989
00:57:36,740 --> 00:57:39,326
Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?
990
00:57:40,119 --> 00:57:42,663
- And get these scouts out of here!
- Come on, guys. Let's go.
991
00:57:42,746 --> 00:57:44,832
- Come on, boys.
- This is bullshit!
992
00:57:45,624 --> 00:57:47,668
- You too!
- Copy that. And just a reminder:
993
00:57:47,751 --> 00:57:49,712
- we close at 5.
- Get out of here!
994
00:57:50,337 --> 00:57:52,464
Okay. The baby's here. The baby's here.
995
00:57:52,548 --> 00:57:55,217
Pull a big deep breath
and a big push, okay?
996
00:57:55,300 --> 00:57:57,428
- You can do it. There you go.
- Okay.
997
00:58:05,811 --> 00:58:08,647
Okay. Here you go. Here you go.
998
00:58:08,731 --> 00:58:09,773
Here you go.
999
00:58:10,607 --> 00:58:14,069
It's a boy. It's a boy. It's a boy.
1000
00:58:16,739 --> 00:58:17,823
Hey, Charlie.
1001
00:58:17,906 --> 00:58:18,991
Yeah?
1002
00:58:20,367 --> 00:58:21,869
Let's name him Rex.
1003
00:58:24,705 --> 00:58:26,540
That's the perfect name.
1004
00:58:28,584 --> 00:58:31,420
I'm really glad we didn't have him
under that big whale.
1005
00:58:31,503 --> 00:58:36,675
Yeah. Because Moby Dick Burnz
would be a terrible name for our son.
1006
00:58:36,759 --> 00:58:38,886
He'd have so much trouble at school.
1007
00:58:40,471 --> 00:58:43,140
Oh, I love you, Charlie Burnz.
1008
00:58:45,642 --> 00:58:46,935
I love you too.
1009
00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:23,764
All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...
1010
00:59:23,847 --> 00:59:26,517
Three, two, one...
1011
00:59:27,059 --> 00:59:28,894
Good evening.
And welcome to another episode
1012
00:59:28,977 --> 00:59:31,355
of Old People Who Have
Always Looked Old!
1013
00:59:31,438 --> 00:59:34,817
Tonight's subjects are Keith Richards
and the late Mother Teresa.
1014
00:59:34,900 --> 00:59:37,069
- Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
- Yeah.
1015
00:59:37,152 --> 00:59:39,154
- How does he get away with this?
- I don't know.
1016
00:59:39,905 --> 00:59:41,073
All right, listen.
1017
00:59:42,074 --> 00:59:44,868
The sketch ideas are good,
but they don't always have to be so big.
1018
00:59:44,952 --> 00:59:47,705
Sketches can be small, more personal.
1019
00:59:47,788 --> 00:59:50,833
Something about yourself,
maybe about your girlfriend or something.
1020
00:59:50,916 --> 00:59:53,002
- That would be a problem.
- Why's that?
1021
00:59:53,085 --> 00:59:55,963
I don't have one. I'm incredibly single.
1022
00:59:56,046 --> 00:59:57,464
See? That's funny.
1023
00:59:57,548 --> 00:59:59,967
That I eat every meal alone?
1024
01:00:00,050 --> 01:00:02,469
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- No, no.
1025
01:00:02,553 --> 01:00:04,722
I'm talking
about a character for the show.
1026
01:00:04,805 --> 01:00:07,975
The incredibly single guy.
It's different than being single.
1027
01:00:08,058 --> 01:00:11,020
It's incredibly single.
There might be something funny in that.
1028
01:00:11,103 --> 01:00:12,938
- Right.
- Find out what's funny about you
1029
01:00:13,022 --> 01:00:16,233
- and then write about it.
- Okay. I'll try that.
1030
01:00:16,316 --> 01:00:19,069
- Okay.
- Can I tell you something?
1031
01:00:19,153 --> 01:00:20,029
Yeah.
1032
01:00:20,696 --> 01:00:23,115
When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class
1033
01:00:23,198 --> 01:00:25,117
and I wrote a paper as you.
1034
01:00:26,076 --> 01:00:27,369
- Really?
- Yeah.
1035
01:00:27,453 --> 01:00:30,831
I read all your plays,
I knew your movie scripts.
1036
01:00:30,914 --> 01:00:34,668
I could even tell what jokes were yours
on whatever TV show you were writing on.
1037
01:00:34,752 --> 01:00:38,047
So I wrote a paper in your style.
Like you were at Harvard.
1038
01:00:39,173 --> 01:00:40,215
And how'd it do?
1039
01:00:41,133 --> 01:00:41,967
Got an F.
1040
01:00:43,052 --> 01:00:46,013
The professor said
we already have a great Charlie Burnz.
1041
01:00:46,096 --> 01:00:49,141
We don't have a great Darrell Green yet.
He was right.
1042
01:00:50,017 --> 01:00:54,813
Anyway, working with you
and knowing you is really special to me.
1043
01:00:54,897 --> 01:00:56,148
Oh, thank you, Darrell.
1044
01:00:56,774 --> 01:00:59,777
Listen, while I go get one of the crew
1045
01:00:59,860 --> 01:01:02,654
to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up my ass,
1046
01:01:02,738 --> 01:01:05,949
take a whack at the incredibly single guy,
see if there's something funny.
1047
01:01:06,033 --> 01:01:08,494
- Deal.
- Good. Oh, sorry.
1048
01:01:10,412 --> 01:01:12,247
Hello? Hi.
1049
01:01:12,998 --> 01:01:14,875
Hi, yeah. No, I...
1050
01:01:16,126 --> 01:01:17,211
What to wear?
1051
01:01:18,170 --> 01:01:19,088
Oh, I don't...
1052
01:01:20,422 --> 01:01:23,384
How vintage? That's very vintage.
1053
01:01:23,467 --> 01:01:24,635
Yeah.
1054
01:01:24,718 --> 01:01:27,721
No, listen. I'm at work,
so can I call you back?
1055
01:01:28,305 --> 01:01:30,516
Okay. Bye.
1056
01:01:33,769 --> 01:01:36,814
I'm taking a date
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah.
1057
01:01:37,398 --> 01:01:40,609
She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.
1058
01:01:40,693 --> 01:01:42,319
Neither have I. Can I go too?
1059
01:01:43,570 --> 01:01:46,031
I think one surprise for my family
is all they can handle.
1060
01:01:46,115 --> 01:01:48,617
And believe me,
this young woman is full of surprises.
1061
01:01:48,701 --> 01:01:50,577
- She sounds cool.
- Yeah, she is.
1062
01:01:50,661 --> 01:01:52,997
She's... She's very cool.
1063
01:01:55,499 --> 01:01:57,584
- What?
- Well...
1064
01:01:57,668 --> 01:01:58,836
you're blushing.
1065
01:01:58,919 --> 01:02:01,672
- Your face is a little red.
- Oh, that's...
1066
01:02:01,755 --> 01:02:03,590
blood pressure. Yeah.
1067
01:02:03,674 --> 01:02:05,592
Shouldn't have had the hot dog. It's...
1068
01:02:05,676 --> 01:02:07,761
- See you in a little bit.
- Bye.
1069
01:02:09,430 --> 01:02:14,018
Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,
I'd like to leave you with this one story.
1070
01:02:14,685 --> 01:02:17,688
So I turned to Rabbi Teplis and I said:
1071
01:02:17,771 --> 01:02:20,274
"I've been studying for years and years
1072
01:02:20,357 --> 01:02:22,693
and I ask you:
'What is the meaning of life?'
1073
01:02:22,776 --> 01:02:25,112
And you tell me life is a cookie?"
1074
01:02:28,032 --> 01:02:30,617
And Rabbi Teplis looked at me and said:
1075
01:02:30,701 --> 01:02:32,077
"You mean it isn't?"
1076
01:02:37,082 --> 01:02:39,626
So anyways, to my parents,
1077
01:02:39,710 --> 01:02:41,754
I love you so much.
1078
01:02:43,005 --> 01:02:44,798
You've given me everything I have,
1079
01:02:44,882 --> 01:02:47,468
and I wouldn't be here without you.
1080
01:02:48,260 --> 01:02:50,888
Thank you so much. I love you.
1081
01:02:51,722 --> 01:02:54,391
Mazel tov!
1082
01:03:01,148 --> 01:03:03,484
Let's get Lindsay up in the chair!
1083
01:03:05,736 --> 01:03:07,863
One, two, three!
1084
01:03:10,032 --> 01:03:12,159
Look out. Here comes Mom!
1085
01:03:12,242 --> 01:03:13,869
Up in the air, Francine.
1086
01:03:14,953 --> 01:03:17,998
Bend your knees, boys.
Here comes Papa Charlie!
1087
01:03:20,668 --> 01:03:22,211
Mazel tov!
1088
01:03:25,172 --> 01:03:26,256
Come on. Sit down.
1089
01:03:30,678 --> 01:03:32,638
This is amazing!
1090
01:03:32,721 --> 01:03:34,807
That's it, God. I'm converted!
1091
01:03:46,944 --> 01:03:47,778
Hi.
1092
01:03:48,696 --> 01:03:51,031
I'm Francine. I'm Lindsay's mom.
1093
01:03:51,115 --> 01:03:53,867
She is so special. You must be so proud.
1094
01:03:53,951 --> 01:03:56,245
- Yeah.
- I'm Emma, by the way.
1095
01:03:56,328 --> 01:03:57,997
- Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you.
1096
01:03:58,080 --> 01:04:02,042
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- These spare ribs are delicious!
1097
01:04:02,126 --> 01:04:03,711
Oh, good.
1098
01:04:03,794 --> 01:04:05,921
So how long
have you been dating my father?
1099
01:04:06,005 --> 01:04:09,258
What? No, no, no. We're just friends.
1100
01:04:10,009 --> 01:04:10,843
I'm sure.
1101
01:04:10,926 --> 01:04:12,928
No. He's just really nice to me.
1102
01:04:13,679 --> 01:04:14,930
And I just love his writing.
1103
01:04:17,099 --> 01:04:19,226
Okay. So...
1104
01:04:19,309 --> 01:04:22,062
So, what do you do, Emma?
For a living, I mean.
1105
01:04:22,146 --> 01:04:23,063
I'm a singer.
1106
01:04:24,481 --> 01:04:26,567
Anything I might be familiar with?
1107
01:04:26,650 --> 01:04:27,484
No.
1108
01:04:28,068 --> 01:04:32,614
But we got a whole bunch of videos
that are blowing up on Instagram.
1109
01:04:33,657 --> 01:04:36,076
- Cool.
- You should come check us out.
1110
01:04:36,160 --> 01:04:38,454
- We perform all over the city.
- Where?
1111
01:04:39,538 --> 01:04:41,915
- Mostly underground.
- Like clubs?
1112
01:04:42,833 --> 01:04:45,502
Sometimes, but more so subway stations.
1113
01:04:45,586 --> 01:04:49,631
Like Columbus Circle,
Union Square, Penn Station.
1114
01:04:49,715 --> 01:04:52,217
You gotta check us out. You know what?
1115
01:04:52,301 --> 01:04:55,387
I'm gonna get me some more ribs
because I love meat.
1116
01:04:55,471 --> 01:04:57,681
Anything I could pet, I eat.
1117
01:05:12,279 --> 01:05:13,113
Lindsay...
1118
01:05:13,864 --> 01:05:17,868
I have to tell you how proud I am of you
that you wanted to have this bat mitzvah.
1119
01:05:18,702 --> 01:05:20,537
And I wanna give you something.
1120
01:05:25,959 --> 01:05:27,002
This...
1121
01:05:27,544 --> 01:05:29,588
This was your Grandma Carrie's.
1122
01:05:31,590 --> 01:05:32,925
And now it's yours.
1123
01:05:35,177 --> 01:05:36,637
Put your hair back.
1124
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:38,180
See if I can...
1125
01:05:39,014 --> 01:05:41,058
Good. Oh, it looks perfect.
1126
01:05:41,141 --> 01:05:43,227
- It's really pretty.
- Yeah.
1127
01:05:43,894 --> 01:05:45,270
I'm giving you this...
1128
01:05:45,979 --> 01:05:48,273
because today is the first big step...
1129
01:05:49,149 --> 01:05:50,693
with so many more to come.
1130
01:05:51,819 --> 01:05:54,655
And I'll be there for you for all of that.
1131
01:05:56,281 --> 01:05:59,076
And I can't wait
to see who you're gonna become.
1132
01:06:01,203 --> 01:06:02,538
I love you.
1133
01:06:03,914 --> 01:06:04,915
I love you too.
1134
01:06:06,583 --> 01:06:07,835
Thank you, Papa.
1135
01:06:12,548 --> 01:06:16,260
Hey, Dad, by the way...
I got that job I was telling you about.
1136
01:06:17,511 --> 01:06:18,512
What job?
1137
01:06:19,638 --> 01:06:20,931
The building in Union Square.
1138
01:06:21,932 --> 01:06:24,143
Yeah. Anyway, they love my design.
1139
01:06:24,226 --> 01:06:26,812
Great. Isn't that great?
1140
01:06:26,895 --> 01:06:29,690
Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
1141
01:06:31,775 --> 01:06:35,279
That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.
1142
01:06:35,362 --> 01:06:38,991
I know. Anyone who's born in a museum
is bound to be smart.
1143
01:06:39,074 --> 01:06:41,994
- He told you about that?
- Yeah, he's very proud of you.
1144
01:06:44,496 --> 01:06:47,249
- And this is her first bat mitzvah.
- What do you think so far?
1145
01:06:47,333 --> 01:06:49,585
- It's okay so far.
- Just okay?
1146
01:06:49,668 --> 01:06:54,048
In the beginning, it was really hot
with the dancing and the chairs up, but-
1147
01:06:54,131 --> 01:06:57,718
All due respect to your tribe,
but it's a little dull now.
1148
01:06:57,801 --> 01:07:00,179
Well, the reading. It'll pick up again.
1149
01:07:00,262 --> 01:07:02,556
Well, why don't we do something
to help a little?
1150
01:07:02,639 --> 01:07:03,932
Where you going?
1151
01:07:04,767 --> 01:07:06,393
Dad. Dad!
1152
01:07:07,770 --> 01:07:09,355
Hey, hey, hey.
1153
01:07:09,438 --> 01:07:11,774
Do you have the instrumental for...?
1154
01:07:16,070 --> 01:07:20,032
Good evening, everybody.
My name is Emma Payge.
1155
01:07:20,115 --> 01:07:23,744
I'm a very good friend
of Papa Charlie's, and Lindsay?
1156
01:07:23,827 --> 01:07:26,497
Could you please come on down
to the dance floor?
1157
01:07:27,831 --> 01:07:31,669
This is my first time ever
coming to a bat mitzvah.
1158
01:07:31,752 --> 01:07:34,755
And I have to say,
so far, I feel so welcome.
1159
01:07:34,838 --> 01:07:36,507
I'm having such a good time.
1160
01:07:36,590 --> 01:07:38,509
DJ, hit that beat.
1161
01:07:39,218 --> 01:07:41,136
And this one's for you, Lindsay.
1162
01:07:41,220 --> 01:07:43,681
If you know the words
to the song, sing along.
1163
01:07:43,764 --> 01:07:46,934
If you don't, I wanna see you
dancing your heart out.
1164
01:07:47,017 --> 01:07:53,732
Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on
1165
01:07:53,816 --> 01:08:00,572
Didn't I make you feel
Like you are the only man?
1166
01:08:01,699 --> 01:08:03,409
Yeah, yeah
1167
01:08:05,285 --> 01:08:08,998
Didn't I nearly give you everything
a woman possibly can?
1168
01:08:11,166 --> 01:08:16,130
And each time I tell myself
That I think I've had enough
1169
01:08:16,213 --> 01:08:19,090
But what I'm gonna show you, baby
1170
01:08:19,174 --> 01:08:21,385
That a woman can be tough
1171
01:08:21,468 --> 01:08:27,683
Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on
1172
01:08:27,766 --> 01:08:28,976
And take it!
1173
01:08:29,059 --> 01:08:33,063
Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby
1174
01:08:33,147 --> 01:08:34,857
Oh, break it!
1175
01:08:34,940 --> 01:08:38,527
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
1176
01:08:39,236 --> 01:08:40,528
Oh, have a...!
1177
01:08:40,612 --> 01:08:44,575
Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
1178
01:08:45,576 --> 01:08:50,873
You know you got it
If it makes you feel good
1179
01:08:53,334 --> 01:08:55,461
Come here, baby. Yeah.
1180
01:08:56,586 --> 01:09:00,340
You're out there on the streets
All looking good
1181
01:09:00,424 --> 01:09:04,219
And baby, deep down in your heart
You know that ain't right
1182
01:09:07,181 --> 01:09:11,934
Never, never, never, never,
Never hear me when I cry
1183
01:09:14,146 --> 01:09:19,026
But each time I tell myself
That I can't stand the pain
1184
01:09:19,108 --> 01:09:24,156
When you hold me in your arms
I'll sing it once again
1185
01:09:24,238 --> 01:09:28,202
- No. Dad, she's...
- She's fantastic. She's fantastic.
1186
01:09:28,285 --> 01:09:30,662
...come on, come on
1187
01:09:30,746 --> 01:09:31,705
And take it!
1188
01:09:31,789 --> 01:09:35,834
Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
1189
01:09:37,878 --> 01:09:41,173
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
1190
01:09:42,007 --> 01:09:43,342
Oh, have a...!
1191
01:09:43,425 --> 01:09:47,345
Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
1192
01:09:48,347 --> 01:09:53,477
You know you got it
If it makes you feel good
1193
01:09:55,688 --> 01:09:57,940
All right. I see you!
1194
01:09:59,149 --> 01:09:59,983
There you go.
1195
01:10:01,276 --> 01:10:02,111
Yeah.
1196
01:10:02,778 --> 01:10:03,612
Look here.
1197
01:10:04,154 --> 01:10:06,365
I'mma need you to come on
1198
01:10:06,448 --> 01:10:08,117
No. No, thank you.
1199
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:10,703
Come on, come on
1200
01:10:10,786 --> 01:10:11,954
And take it!
1201
01:10:12,037 --> 01:10:15,666
Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
1202
01:10:16,542 --> 01:10:17,710
Break it!
1203
01:10:17,793 --> 01:10:21,046
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
1204
01:10:23,507 --> 01:10:26,969
Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
1205
01:10:28,387 --> 01:10:30,723
You know you got it
1206
01:10:32,016 --> 01:10:36,687
If it makes you feel good
1207
01:10:38,731 --> 01:10:40,607
Francine is amazing!
1208
01:10:40,691 --> 01:10:43,110
Oh, mazel tov to all of you.
1209
01:10:43,193 --> 01:10:44,862
Mazel tov.
1210
01:10:44,945 --> 01:10:49,199
You rocked that shul.
I mean, it was like Shabbos Night Live.
1211
01:10:50,743 --> 01:10:52,286
You made the whole party.
1212
01:10:52,369 --> 01:10:54,747
I think I had more fun
than your family did.
1213
01:10:54,830 --> 01:10:56,832
Why are they looking at me like that?
1214
01:10:56,915 --> 01:10:58,542
Do they not know what's going on here?
1215
01:10:59,293 --> 01:11:01,378
Actually, they don't. Emma, listen.
1216
01:11:01,462 --> 01:11:03,005
You don't know everything.
1217
01:11:03,088 --> 01:11:06,216
- I mean, there's a lot of hard feelings.
- About what?
1218
01:11:07,384 --> 01:11:10,220
Well, they both...
Well, Francine especially.
1219
01:11:10,304 --> 01:11:12,890
...think I wasn't around enough
when they were kids.
1220
01:11:12,973 --> 01:11:16,977
Which was probably true,
but I was working, like, all the time.
1221
01:11:17,061 --> 01:11:20,814
And after Carrie died,
there was a revolving door of nannies.
1222
01:11:20,898 --> 01:11:22,941
And when I was there...
1223
01:11:23,942 --> 01:11:26,779
I had trouble
giving them what they needed.
1224
01:11:27,529 --> 01:11:29,448
I mean, I just was so sad.
1225
01:11:29,531 --> 01:11:31,200
And what do they have against me?
1226
01:11:32,326 --> 01:11:34,119
Well, after she passed away...
1227
01:11:34,870 --> 01:11:37,790
I didn't wanna get involved
with anybody, you know, I couldn't.
1228
01:11:37,873 --> 01:11:39,667
So I dated a lot of younger women.
1229
01:11:41,085 --> 01:11:42,878
So they probably looked at us
1230
01:11:42,961 --> 01:11:44,922
thinking there's something else
going on here.
1231
01:11:45,005 --> 01:11:46,924
I'm really sorry they upset you.
1232
01:11:48,926 --> 01:11:51,679
Ladies and gentlemen, Itzhak Perlman.
1233
01:11:52,179 --> 01:11:53,847
- That's him.
- Does he take requests?
1234
01:11:53,931 --> 01:11:56,225
Itzhak Perlman is a genius.
He doesn't take requests.
1235
01:11:56,308 --> 01:11:59,228
- You still owe me a dance.
- I danced with you. I danced the horah.
1236
01:11:59,311 --> 01:12:01,230
- The horah doesn't count.
- The horah's a dance.
1237
01:12:01,313 --> 01:12:04,775
You run around, they lift you up,
and you sweat in to your good clothes.
1238
01:12:04,858 --> 01:12:06,068
That's a dance.
1239
01:12:06,151 --> 01:12:08,278
Doesn't count.
Come on, Charlie. We're dancing.
1240
01:12:08,362 --> 01:12:09,905
- Come on.
- We're gonna go dance.
1241
01:12:14,660 --> 01:12:16,745
Who dances to a violin concerto?
1242
01:12:16,829 --> 01:12:17,663
We do.
1243
01:12:18,998 --> 01:12:19,832
Okay.
1244
01:12:37,141 --> 01:12:38,267
Oh, there we go.
1245
01:12:38,350 --> 01:12:40,561
Look out. Look out.
1246
01:13:59,640 --> 01:14:00,974
Where have you been?
1247
01:14:01,058 --> 01:14:03,227
- When?
- The last eight hours or so.
1248
01:14:03,310 --> 01:14:05,562
- Here.
- Just so I know, where have I been?
1249
01:14:05,646 --> 01:14:06,897
- Here.
- With you?
1250
01:14:06,980 --> 01:14:09,191
- Yeah.
- That's what I was afraid of.
1251
01:14:09,274 --> 01:14:11,402
Really? Because I thought it's nice.
1252
01:14:11,485 --> 01:14:14,571
Emma, I didn't want for this to happen.
1253
01:14:14,655 --> 01:14:16,949
I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."
1254
01:14:17,032 --> 01:14:21,036
But if the "this" you're referring to
is that "this,"
1255
01:14:21,120 --> 01:14:22,413
it didn't happen.
1256
01:14:22,913 --> 01:14:26,834
I got afraid of the thunder and lightning,
and I snuck in and spooned you.
1257
01:14:26,917 --> 01:14:28,377
That's it. We just spooned.
1258
01:14:28,460 --> 01:14:29,545
That's it?
1259
01:14:30,045 --> 01:14:32,006
- That's it.
- Okay.
1260
01:14:32,089 --> 01:14:34,508
Look, you're an attractive older man,
1261
01:14:34,591 --> 01:14:38,220
but your body would not be
able to handle all these groceries.
1262
01:14:38,303 --> 01:14:41,223
I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.
1263
01:14:41,306 --> 01:14:43,892
Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.
1264
01:14:43,976 --> 01:14:47,730
You might dislocate your shoulder,
then you die.
1265
01:14:47,813 --> 01:14:48,814
Can't have that.
1266
01:14:50,190 --> 01:14:53,277
Anyways, thank you
for letting me sleep here.
1267
01:14:54,611 --> 01:14:55,821
You're sweet, Charlie.
1268
01:14:55,904 --> 01:14:58,449
And you might want to think about
getting some bigger boxes.
1269
01:14:58,532 --> 01:15:02,161
Because I'm not sure they can handle
your groceries. They're just too little.
1270
01:15:03,245 --> 01:15:06,665
Three, two, one, now!
1271
01:15:07,666 --> 01:15:11,045
I first became incredibly single
when the fetus of my twin brother
1272
01:15:11,128 --> 01:15:13,881
left the womb a month ahead of me,
because...
1273
01:15:13,964 --> 01:15:16,050
Well, he said he'd had enough.
1274
01:15:18,052 --> 01:15:21,597
This continued when I was an infant,
when my mom refused to breastfeed me.
1275
01:15:21,680 --> 01:15:25,184
She said, "Let's take things slow,
see where this goes."
1276
01:15:26,727 --> 01:15:30,481
And now, I live in this studio apartment
where I lie awake at night
1277
01:15:30,564 --> 01:15:33,525
and fantasize about having sex
with another person.
1278
01:15:34,735 --> 01:15:37,654
Which would be fun... so I've heard.
1279
01:15:39,073 --> 01:15:42,701
And I think I'd be a pretty good lover.
Find those hard to find spots
1280
01:15:42,785 --> 01:15:44,370
that drive the women wild.
1281
01:15:45,454 --> 01:15:47,081
Because I have Google Maps.
1282
01:15:48,248 --> 01:15:50,542
"In two inches, make a left."
1283
01:15:57,091 --> 01:16:00,844
If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?
1284
01:16:01,929 --> 01:16:02,763
If not...
1285
01:16:04,014 --> 01:16:05,474
then the wrath of my god,
1286
01:16:05,974 --> 01:16:10,145
the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,
1287
01:16:10,229 --> 01:16:11,772
will come and find you,
1288
01:16:11,855 --> 01:16:14,692
and the sounds will color the sky,
1289
01:16:14,775 --> 01:16:17,611
and he will come after you
and your loved ones,
1290
01:16:17,695 --> 01:16:20,948
and damn you to the fires of hell!
1291
01:16:22,908 --> 01:16:23,909
So call me.
1292
01:16:27,538 --> 01:16:28,747
Killing it.
1293
01:16:30,916 --> 01:16:32,876
Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.
1294
01:16:33,544 --> 01:16:35,379
That was you. That's you, dude.
1295
01:16:36,005 --> 01:16:38,048
- Killed it!
- Thanks.
1296
01:16:38,799 --> 01:16:41,343
Oh, God.
I thought my phone was off. Sorry.
1297
01:16:41,427 --> 01:16:44,346
Hello. Yeah. I'm still at the show.
I can't talk.
1298
01:16:44,430 --> 01:16:46,515
- I found it.
- What did you find?
1299
01:16:46,598 --> 01:16:51,478
That great painting of that old house
that was hanging in the empty space.
1300
01:16:51,979 --> 01:16:54,106
It's beautiful. I rehung it.
1301
01:16:54,189 --> 01:16:55,566
You're still at my house?
1302
01:16:56,233 --> 01:16:58,027
Yeah. But I'm about to go back
to my place.
1303
01:16:58,652 --> 01:17:00,404
- Take it down.
- What?
1304
01:17:00,487 --> 01:17:03,907
- Take it down. I don't wanna see it.
- I'm sorry. I thought you misplaced it.
1305
01:17:03,991 --> 01:17:07,202
Emma, I don't wanna see it,
you understand? I just don't wanna see it.
1306
01:17:07,286 --> 01:17:09,121
- Get rid of it!
- Fine.
1307
01:17:11,832 --> 01:17:14,543
- New girlfriend?
- No. I don't even know.
1308
01:17:15,210 --> 01:17:17,087
Hey, you're right.
1309
01:17:17,671 --> 01:17:19,214
- He's gonna be good.
- Yeah.
1310
01:17:19,798 --> 01:17:23,469
Three, two, one, now!
1311
01:17:23,552 --> 01:17:24,511
In the world of music,
1312
01:17:24,595 --> 01:17:28,557
Lady Gaga announced she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."
1313
01:17:29,099 --> 01:17:31,685
She gave no explanation for her decision.
1314
01:17:31,769 --> 01:17:34,772
According to a poll, Americans
are concerned about a new axis of evil
1315
01:17:34,855 --> 01:17:36,732
that threatens our country's democracy.
1316
01:17:36,815 --> 01:17:38,525
North Korea, ISIS,
1317
01:17:38,609 --> 01:17:40,736
and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.
1318
01:17:46,075 --> 01:17:48,577
- Moving on.
- No, no, no.
1319
01:17:48,661 --> 01:17:50,454
Is anyone bothered by this but me?
1320
01:17:50,996 --> 01:17:53,207
Do you hear that it's wrong?
1321
01:17:53,290 --> 01:17:55,501
Your emphasis... You're an emphasis moron.
1322
01:17:57,586 --> 01:17:58,962
What is he doing?
1323
01:17:59,046 --> 01:18:00,756
Everything you say is off.
1324
01:18:00,839 --> 01:18:03,175
It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.
1325
01:18:04,218 --> 01:18:08,430
It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.
1326
01:18:08,514 --> 01:18:10,557
You are a comedy kamikaze.
1327
01:18:10,641 --> 01:18:12,518
Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."
1328
01:18:12,601 --> 01:18:13,977
What the hell?
1329
01:18:14,061 --> 01:18:17,231
Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...
1330
01:18:18,065 --> 01:18:21,902
would know that it's Mitch McConnell,
not "Mitch-McConnell."
1331
01:18:21,985 --> 01:18:24,071
You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells,
1332
01:18:24,154 --> 01:18:25,114
there's only one.
1333
01:18:25,197 --> 01:18:26,490
There's no Stewie McConnell.
1334
01:18:26,573 --> 01:18:29,243
Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!
1335
01:18:29,326 --> 01:18:31,620
What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?
1336
01:18:31,704 --> 01:18:34,790
- Go to commercial?
- This is live. Just stay on it.
1337
01:18:34,873 --> 01:18:37,626
Jesus Christ.
No, I'm sorry. "Jesus, Christ."
1338
01:18:38,627 --> 01:18:41,046
Who, of course, was born in "Bethle-hem."
1339
01:18:41,714 --> 01:18:44,675
I even put in on the cue card,
because I had...
1340
01:18:44,758 --> 01:18:46,844
- You know this?
- I have no idea. No.
1341
01:18:47,386 --> 01:18:48,637
Thank you, Al. Look at this.
1342
01:18:48,721 --> 01:18:52,266
I had written the exact same size
so you would know.
1343
01:18:52,349 --> 01:18:55,102
"Mitch McConnell," not "Mitch-McConnell."
1344
01:18:55,185 --> 01:18:56,729
Mitch McConnell, you see that? Al.
1345
01:18:56,812 --> 01:18:59,148
Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.
1346
01:18:59,231 --> 01:19:01,734
Yeah. Tell everybody.
Did I tell you that this would happen?
1347
01:19:01,817 --> 01:19:05,487
- He told me this would happen.
- Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!
1348
01:19:06,196 --> 01:19:08,407
Thank you, Al, you sweet...
Where is he going?
1349
01:19:08,490 --> 01:19:09,908
Get him. Follow him.
1350
01:19:10,409 --> 01:19:11,243
You.
1351
01:19:12,036 --> 01:19:14,413
Look. Look, ma'am, what does that say?
1352
01:19:14,496 --> 01:19:16,206
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you very much.
1353
01:19:16,290 --> 01:19:19,043
- You, you. Stand up. What does this say?
- "Mitch McConnell."
1354
01:19:19,126 --> 01:19:21,378
- Again. I can't hear you.
- "Mitch McConnell."
1355
01:19:21,462 --> 01:19:22,629
We got a winner.
1356
01:19:23,839 --> 01:19:24,757
Dang it.
1357
01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:27,468
Take anything off the top shelf,
goddamn it.
1358
01:19:27,551 --> 01:19:29,970
Everybody, tell me. What does it say?
1359
01:19:30,054 --> 01:19:31,638
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Can't hear you.
1360
01:19:31,722 --> 01:19:33,223
- "Mitch McConnell."
- One more time.
1361
01:19:33,307 --> 01:19:34,767
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you.
1362
01:19:34,850 --> 01:19:36,810
Roger, you're a very talented young guy.
1363
01:19:36,894 --> 01:19:40,147
I have to tell you, I am sick and tired
of writing jokes for you
1364
01:19:40,230 --> 01:19:42,316
and having you abuse them, you dumb turd.
1365
01:19:42,399 --> 01:19:43,317
Oh, boy.
1366
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:44,401
Dumb turd!
1367
01:19:44,485 --> 01:19:46,904
Everybody. Dumb turd!
1368
01:19:46,987 --> 01:19:49,782
Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1369
01:19:49,865 --> 01:19:51,825
Stand up. Dumb turd!
1370
01:19:51,909 --> 01:19:52,910
Dumb turd!
1371
01:19:54,161 --> 01:19:55,913
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1372
01:19:55,996 --> 01:19:58,957
Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.
1373
01:19:59,041 --> 01:20:00,793
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1374
01:20:02,920 --> 01:20:05,506
I say dumb, you say turd! Dumb...
1375
01:20:05,589 --> 01:20:06,632
- Turd.
- Dumb...
1376
01:20:06,715 --> 01:20:07,716
Oh, my God.
1377
01:20:07,800 --> 01:20:09,593
- ...I say turd.
- Dumb...
1378
01:20:09,677 --> 01:20:11,095
I need wide, wide, wide.
1379
01:20:11,178 --> 01:20:12,179
- Dumb...
- Turd!
1380
01:20:12,262 --> 01:20:13,180
- Dumb...
- Turd!
1381
01:20:13,263 --> 01:20:15,182
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1382
01:20:15,933 --> 01:20:16,892
Turd!
1383
01:20:16,975 --> 01:20:19,228
Turd! That's it, I'm done. Thank you.
1384
01:20:27,903 --> 01:20:30,322
Would you get those
damn birds out of your hair?
1385
01:20:30,948 --> 01:20:31,782
Larry!
1386
01:20:37,913 --> 01:20:41,083
Camera one.
Back to Roger and reset. Take one!
1387
01:20:41,709 --> 01:20:43,669
- Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
- No!
1388
01:20:43,752 --> 01:20:45,170
Charlie Burnz.
1389
01:20:46,046 --> 01:20:47,589
Sorry. I'll work on it.
1390
01:20:48,215 --> 01:20:51,051
That's the news of the night...
Of the night.
1391
01:20:51,135 --> 01:20:52,803
The news of the...
1392
01:20:52,886 --> 01:20:56,348
I guess I'm a dumb turd.
1393
01:20:56,432 --> 01:20:57,599
Thank you...
1394
01:20:57,683 --> 01:20:59,018
Good night.
1395
01:21:00,227 --> 01:21:01,687
And we're clear!
1396
01:21:02,187 --> 01:21:03,188
What was that?
1397
01:21:03,272 --> 01:21:04,481
What was that?
1398
01:21:04,565 --> 01:21:07,317
What the hell was that?
1399
01:21:08,360 --> 01:21:10,279
Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.
1400
01:21:10,362 --> 01:21:11,905
The schmuck can't get a name right.
1401
01:21:11,989 --> 01:21:13,866
Really inspired idea, Charlie.
1402
01:21:13,949 --> 01:21:17,119
Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.
1403
01:21:17,202 --> 01:21:19,455
Charlie, why didn't you tell me?
1404
01:21:19,538 --> 01:21:23,167
- I haven't told my kids yet.
- I bet they know now. We're live.
1405
01:21:23,667 --> 01:21:25,753
My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.
1406
01:21:25,836 --> 01:21:28,505
It's so stupid.
It's so stupid. It's my fault!
1407
01:21:28,589 --> 01:21:31,216
Stupid? What are you talking about?
Everyone loved it.
1408
01:21:31,300 --> 01:21:34,178
- When did you think of this?
- Comes to me all the time.
1409
01:21:34,261 --> 01:21:36,055
Every second, it doesn't stop.
1410
01:21:36,138 --> 01:21:38,474
That's why it's so good. It was so real.
1411
01:21:38,557 --> 01:21:40,684
Holy shit, you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.
1412
01:21:40,768 --> 01:21:41,852
They love you, Charlie.
1413
01:21:41,935 --> 01:21:44,813
They love the grumpy writer
who can't bear to see his words mangled.
1414
01:21:44,897 --> 01:21:46,190
They think you're funny, man.
1415
01:21:46,273 --> 01:21:49,360
Funny? Funny?
Saying I'll be back in a few minutes
1416
01:21:49,443 --> 01:21:52,363
and never seeing
that person again is funny?
1417
01:21:52,446 --> 01:21:54,198
- Charlie, what...?
- It's not funny!
1418
01:21:54,281 --> 01:21:55,491
How can that be funny?
1419
01:21:55,574 --> 01:21:56,909
Are you Charlie Burnz?
1420
01:21:59,953 --> 01:22:01,163
Charlie Burnz.
1421
01:22:02,039 --> 01:22:03,457
Mr. Burnz?
1422
01:22:04,958 --> 01:22:06,377
I'm Charlie Burnz.
1423
01:22:09,755 --> 01:22:11,382
Don't tell me that something's wrong.
1424
01:22:13,467 --> 01:22:14,301
Charlie?
1425
01:22:15,886 --> 01:22:16,720
Charlie?
1426
01:22:19,890 --> 01:22:23,227
Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.
1427
01:22:24,353 --> 01:22:26,397
Hey, come back to my office.
1428
01:22:27,106 --> 01:22:29,358
Lie down for a little bit. Yeah?
1429
01:22:30,234 --> 01:22:31,735
I'm so tired.
1430
01:22:31,819 --> 01:22:33,404
It's okay. It's okay.
1431
01:22:34,405 --> 01:22:35,698
Come on.
1432
01:22:35,781 --> 01:22:37,991
- I'm really tired.
- It's all right. It's all right.
1433
01:22:40,285 --> 01:22:43,038
- Until tonight, he's been fine.
- Yeah.
1434
01:22:43,122 --> 01:22:46,000
Sometimes he's just great.
You'd never know he had a problem.
1435
01:22:47,418 --> 01:22:50,546
And then it would just hit him,
but nothing like this.
1436
01:22:50,629 --> 01:22:51,672
I had no idea.
1437
01:22:52,673 --> 01:22:54,717
- It's our secret.
- Our?
1438
01:22:55,968 --> 01:22:57,928
- Nobody else knows?
- No.
1439
01:22:58,012 --> 01:23:01,432
Well, we have a problem.
Social media is blowing up. They love it.
1440
01:23:01,515 --> 01:23:03,517
Everybody is asking, "Who is this guy?"
1441
01:23:03,600 --> 01:23:05,102
They want him back next week.
1442
01:23:05,185 --> 01:23:06,603
- I know it's gone viral.
- Yeah.
1443
01:23:06,687 --> 01:23:09,106
You know, I'm very nervous about what...
1444
01:23:09,189 --> 01:23:11,775
We need to post something right away.
1445
01:23:11,859 --> 01:23:13,360
Twitter, Instagram.
1446
01:23:13,444 --> 01:23:15,029
Sorry to interrupt. I just overheard.
1447
01:23:15,112 --> 01:23:17,990
- Darrell, come on.
- Let me do it, please.
1448
01:23:18,073 --> 01:23:19,199
I know what to say.
1449
01:23:21,368 --> 01:23:22,828
Okay. Good.
1450
01:23:23,495 --> 01:23:25,831
- I have to run it by the network.
- Okay.
1451
01:23:26,707 --> 01:23:28,959
This is Charlie's friend Emma.
1452
01:23:29,668 --> 01:23:31,211
He's Darrell, he works with Charlie.
1453
01:23:31,879 --> 01:23:33,714
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
1454
01:23:34,340 --> 01:23:35,341
I'll get started.
1455
01:23:37,968 --> 01:23:38,802
What a night.
1456
01:23:40,637 --> 01:23:43,015
Okay, Charlie. There's the car.
Go ahead and get in.
1457
01:23:43,098 --> 01:23:43,932
Okay.
1458
01:23:47,061 --> 01:23:48,771
- Thanks.
- Hey, Charlie.
1459
01:23:48,854 --> 01:23:49,688
Yeah?
1460
01:23:49,772 --> 01:23:52,649
I just wanted to say good night
and make sure you're okay.
1461
01:23:53,150 --> 01:23:54,651
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
1462
01:23:54,735 --> 01:23:55,569
Hey, I...
1463
01:23:56,278 --> 01:23:57,237
I posted that:
1464
01:23:58,405 --> 01:24:01,325
"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend
1465
01:24:01,408 --> 01:24:05,954
when he gave a hilarious one-time only
performance as a disgruntled writer.
1466
01:24:06,038 --> 01:24:07,581
Thank you, Charlie.
1467
01:24:07,665 --> 01:24:09,667
The crew and cast of This Just In.
1468
01:24:09,750 --> 01:24:11,502
Hashtag "dumb turd."
1469
01:24:12,961 --> 01:24:15,589
And I put the "you" in all caps
so it's the wrong inflection.
1470
01:24:16,715 --> 01:24:17,675
Thanks, kid.
1471
01:24:18,300 --> 01:24:19,677
Good night, Charlie.
1472
01:24:19,760 --> 01:24:24,390
You know, Darrell here is gonna be
a terrific writer someday.
1473
01:24:25,766 --> 01:24:26,934
I don't know.
1474
01:24:27,017 --> 01:24:28,018
I do.
1475
01:24:30,020 --> 01:24:30,979
I'll see you, kid.
1476
01:24:33,482 --> 01:24:35,776
This is a scan of your brain in February.
1477
01:24:36,985 --> 01:24:39,154
And this is the one we just took.
1478
01:24:43,909 --> 01:24:45,411
They look the same to me.
1479
01:24:46,453 --> 01:24:48,163
Yes, but your symptoms are changing.
1480
01:24:51,166 --> 01:24:53,252
If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia
1481
01:24:53,335 --> 01:24:55,379
called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
1482
01:24:58,382 --> 01:25:00,426
What do you mean if you're right?
1483
01:25:05,931 --> 01:25:09,601
Only way to get
a definitive diagnosis of CJD is...
1484
01:25:10,686 --> 01:25:12,187
post-mortem autopsy.
1485
01:25:13,272 --> 01:25:14,106
Well...
1486
01:25:15,774 --> 01:25:17,067
why don't we do that now?
1487
01:25:17,151 --> 01:25:20,154
I mean, I have a lunch
but I could cancel that.
1488
01:25:21,739 --> 01:25:23,490
What happens next?
1489
01:25:23,574 --> 01:25:26,160
There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...
1490
01:25:27,202 --> 01:25:30,205
that could slow this down a bit,
1491
01:25:30,289 --> 01:25:32,291
but before too long.
1492
01:25:38,047 --> 01:25:39,798
Before too long is how long?
1493
01:25:42,217 --> 01:25:43,385
A year, maybe.
1494
01:25:47,931 --> 01:25:50,309
You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.
1495
01:25:53,228 --> 01:25:54,480
A nurse?
1496
01:25:54,563 --> 01:25:56,482
Yes, or your family.
1497
01:25:57,358 --> 01:25:59,193
- Your son and daughter.
- Well...
1498
01:26:00,152 --> 01:26:01,278
that's not happening.
1499
01:26:02,321 --> 01:26:06,200
In times like this,
you should be surrounded by loved ones,
1500
01:26:06,283 --> 01:26:09,203
or professionals
who are trained to care for you.
1501
01:26:15,501 --> 01:26:17,795
I'll do it. I'll take care of Charlie.
1502
01:26:17,878 --> 01:26:19,797
No, you can't. You're going away.
1503
01:26:19,880 --> 01:26:21,340
My plans have changed.
1504
01:26:21,423 --> 01:26:23,467
No. No, they haven't changed.
1505
01:26:23,550 --> 01:26:25,969
She's in a band and they're supposed
to go on tour.
1506
01:26:26,053 --> 01:26:28,055
- Nah, I don't need to do that.
- No. Yes, you do.
1507
01:26:28,138 --> 01:26:29,640
She does need to do that.
1508
01:26:31,392 --> 01:26:33,102
May I ask what your relationship is?
1509
01:26:33,769 --> 01:26:35,104
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
1510
01:26:35,187 --> 01:26:37,272
How long have you known each other?
1511
01:26:37,356 --> 01:26:39,900
I'm guessing about six months or so.
1512
01:26:39,983 --> 01:26:41,652
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?
1513
01:26:44,780 --> 01:26:45,614
Are we?
1514
01:26:46,573 --> 01:26:48,993
How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?
1515
01:26:49,076 --> 01:26:51,787
Well, are you having sexual relations?
1516
01:26:51,870 --> 01:26:53,664
- We spooned.
- We spooned.
1517
01:26:56,291 --> 01:26:57,126
Charlie...
1518
01:26:58,127 --> 01:26:59,461
what about your kids?
1519
01:27:00,379 --> 01:27:02,631
I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.
1520
01:27:02,715 --> 01:27:03,799
Charlie.
1521
01:27:04,633 --> 01:27:07,594
- This is no time for jokes.
- Yes, it is.
1522
01:27:08,345 --> 01:27:10,597
It's the perfect time for jokes,
goddamn it.
1523
01:27:10,681 --> 01:27:13,642
Don't try to take away my sense of humor.
I'd rather die right now.
1524
01:27:16,061 --> 01:27:18,564
Boy, this God...
This God is a real jokester, isn't he?
1525
01:27:18,647 --> 01:27:20,357
What a really funny God.
1526
01:27:20,441 --> 01:27:23,569
"Hey, live your whole life
and you won't remember any of it."
1527
01:27:24,820 --> 01:27:25,779
Fuck you!
1528
01:27:27,156 --> 01:27:28,907
- Damn it.
- It's gonna be okay.
1529
01:27:28,991 --> 01:27:31,035
How can this be okay?
1530
01:27:31,118 --> 01:27:32,661
How can this be okay?
1531
01:27:37,541 --> 01:27:39,209
My kids don't know anything.
1532
01:27:42,046 --> 01:27:43,505
I'll tell them at the right time.
1533
01:27:44,757 --> 01:27:45,841
Charlie.
1534
01:27:48,052 --> 01:27:49,428
This is the right time.
1535
01:27:52,097 --> 01:27:53,766
You can't be alone anymore.
1536
01:27:59,646 --> 01:28:01,482
I'll take care of him till I can't.
1537
01:28:04,985 --> 01:28:06,570
I'll write you some prescriptions.
1538
01:28:08,655 --> 01:28:10,574
I'll let the two of you be alone a bit.
1539
01:28:21,752 --> 01:28:22,878
What is wrong with you?
1540
01:28:22,961 --> 01:28:25,422
- What? There's nothing wrong with me.
- You're not staying.
1541
01:28:25,506 --> 01:28:26,882
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
1542
01:28:26,965 --> 01:28:30,052
You heard what the doc said,
it's over, okay?
1543
01:28:30,135 --> 01:28:32,554
That's it. Please, leave me alone!
1544
01:28:32,638 --> 01:28:34,765
- Charlie.
- Don't "Charlie" me!
1545
01:28:36,016 --> 01:28:36,850
You have a life!
1546
01:28:36,934 --> 01:28:38,936
You have your music, so run.
1547
01:28:39,019 --> 01:28:42,147
Run for the hills, kid.
It's over. I'm telling you, it's over.
1548
01:28:42,231 --> 01:28:45,651
Please, I just wanna be alone!
1549
01:28:45,734 --> 01:28:48,320
- I'm not going anywhere.
- I don't want you to stay!
1550
01:28:49,196 --> 01:28:52,616
You hear me? What are you staying for?
1551
01:28:53,575 --> 01:28:56,912
What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!
1552
01:28:56,996 --> 01:28:58,622
That's not true, Charlie.
1553
01:29:00,708 --> 01:29:02,626
I'm lost. I'm...
1554
01:29:03,961 --> 01:29:06,714
Help, help, help. I'm lost.
1555
01:29:07,756 --> 01:29:10,259
I'm so... I'm so lost.
1556
01:29:11,593 --> 01:29:13,637
I'm sorry, pal. But I'm in.
1557
01:29:14,805 --> 01:29:16,724
You wanna be with a stranger?
1558
01:29:19,476 --> 01:29:21,979
Pretty soon everyone's
gonna be a stranger.
1559
01:29:22,062 --> 01:29:22,980
Not me.
1560
01:29:24,106 --> 01:29:25,566
I'm not gonna leave you.
1561
01:29:28,318 --> 01:29:29,153
Thank you.
1562
01:29:50,549 --> 01:29:51,425
Hi.
1563
01:29:52,676 --> 01:29:54,303
Whose room did this used to be?
1564
01:29:54,386 --> 01:29:55,721
Francine's.
1565
01:29:55,804 --> 01:29:57,431
That explains the chill.
1566
01:29:58,015 --> 01:29:59,183
Something wrong?
1567
01:29:59,266 --> 01:30:00,434
I can't sleep.
1568
01:30:00,517 --> 01:30:01,518
What's up?
1569
01:30:02,561 --> 01:30:05,147
- I wrote something.
- That's good.
1570
01:30:05,230 --> 01:30:07,399
- I wanna read it to you.
- Okay.
1571
01:30:07,483 --> 01:30:08,650
This is my journal.
1572
01:30:09,151 --> 01:30:11,779
I've been writing stuff
for the book in it
1573
01:30:11,862 --> 01:30:13,947
because typing
has become a problem for me.
1574
01:30:14,031 --> 01:30:15,407
I know.
1575
01:30:17,868 --> 01:30:19,328
The book is called For Carrie.
1576
01:30:19,953 --> 01:30:21,330
This is the dedication.
1577
01:30:21,413 --> 01:30:24,291
A writer always dedicates the book
to somebody he loves...
1578
01:30:24,375 --> 01:30:26,126
- I know what it means.
- Okay.
1579
01:30:29,213 --> 01:30:30,673
"To Emma Payge.
1580
01:30:32,049 --> 01:30:35,844
Thank you for taking my truth
and making it more interesting.
1581
01:30:36,679 --> 01:30:39,181
I kind of love you. CB."
1582
01:30:39,973 --> 01:30:42,142
I kind of love you too, old man.
1583
01:30:43,435 --> 01:30:44,269
Really?
1584
01:30:44,895 --> 01:30:46,397
Yeah. Big time.
1585
01:30:48,232 --> 01:30:49,316
Didn't see that coming.
1586
01:30:51,402 --> 01:30:52,695
You make me smile.
1587
01:30:54,238 --> 01:30:55,656
Good night.
1588
01:30:55,739 --> 01:30:56,782
Good night.
1589
01:31:04,039 --> 01:31:04,873
Hey, Emma.
1590
01:31:07,710 --> 01:31:09,586
I'm grateful to you that you're here.
1591
01:31:10,629 --> 01:31:13,173
I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.
1592
01:31:13,257 --> 01:31:14,717
I want to not be scared.
1593
01:31:15,342 --> 01:31:18,178
And I wanna write the book,
and I wanna do all of that with you.
1594
01:31:18,262 --> 01:31:19,888
But you have to promise me something.
1595
01:31:21,140 --> 01:31:22,307
When it's time...
1596
01:31:23,976 --> 01:31:25,769
you go back out and sing.
1597
01:31:25,853 --> 01:31:27,980
You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.
1598
01:31:28,063 --> 01:31:29,231
Please, promise me.
1599
01:31:30,733 --> 01:31:31,567
I promise.
1600
01:31:32,109 --> 01:31:32,943
Good.
1601
01:31:34,945 --> 01:31:37,031
I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?
1602
01:31:37,656 --> 01:31:38,824
Hell, yeah.
1603
01:31:41,160 --> 01:31:42,578
- Good night.
- Good night.
1604
01:32:10,606 --> 01:32:14,068
I must've dozed off.
These new meds are making me very sleepy.
1605
01:32:14,151 --> 01:32:16,737
I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.
1606
01:32:18,864 --> 01:32:20,491
- What do you have there?
- Nothing.
1607
01:32:21,617 --> 01:32:22,743
Let me see.
1608
01:32:24,203 --> 01:32:25,037
The...
1609
01:32:25,788 --> 01:32:28,999
- It's that...
- Emma, I know what it is.
1610
01:32:30,209 --> 01:32:33,962
I know you said get rid of it,
but it's just so beautiful.
1611
01:32:34,046 --> 01:32:34,880
Give it to me.
1612
01:32:47,685 --> 01:32:49,812
Carrie painted this. Yeah.
1613
01:32:50,896 --> 01:32:55,150
See, she put her name in the bushes.
See there? In the trees.
1614
01:32:58,737 --> 01:33:00,406
This is Lake Charlie.
1615
01:33:00,489 --> 01:33:02,491
Lake Charlie. Where's that?
1616
01:33:02,574 --> 01:33:06,203
That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.
1617
01:33:07,997 --> 01:33:10,165
Carrie gave me a lake for my birthday.
1618
01:33:10,249 --> 01:33:11,333
A lake?
1619
01:33:11,417 --> 01:33:14,044
Yeah. It was actually a pond.
1620
01:33:14,128 --> 01:33:18,048
But Pond Charlie
didn't sound as good as Lake Charlie.
1621
01:33:18,132 --> 01:33:19,008
Wait.
1622
01:33:19,675 --> 01:33:20,676
What?
1623
01:33:21,885 --> 01:33:24,847
Tell me all about Lake Charlie.
1624
01:33:26,306 --> 01:33:27,433
Okay.
1625
01:33:29,184 --> 01:33:30,769
It's my 40th birthday.
1626
01:33:30,853 --> 01:33:33,355
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
1627
01:33:33,439 --> 01:33:34,857
Happy birthday, Charlie.
1628
01:33:35,441 --> 01:33:38,277
We had a party outside in the garden.
1629
01:33:38,360 --> 01:33:39,987
And after everybody was gone...
1630
01:33:40,696 --> 01:33:43,449
Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area
1631
01:33:43,532 --> 01:33:44,908
with this beautiful lake on it.
1632
01:33:44,992 --> 01:33:48,245
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.
1633
01:33:48,746 --> 01:33:51,248
For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?
1634
01:33:52,207 --> 01:33:54,376
It's called Lake Charlie.
1635
01:33:54,460 --> 01:33:55,627
Lake Charlie?
1636
01:33:55,711 --> 01:33:58,047
She was always trying to get me
to stop working.
1637
01:33:58,130 --> 01:34:01,884
And just be alone with her and do nothing.
1638
01:34:01,967 --> 01:34:06,055
And honestly the thought of doing nothing
terrified me, you know?
1639
01:34:07,973 --> 01:34:10,434
But I loved her so much
and it meant so much to her
1640
01:34:10,517 --> 01:34:15,064
that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.
1641
01:34:15,147 --> 01:34:16,732
Can you imagine me in a tent?
1642
01:34:16,815 --> 01:34:21,320
I mean, to me, the great outdoors
would be a lot better if it was indoors.
1643
01:34:21,403 --> 01:34:23,113
Good morning!
1644
01:34:27,368 --> 01:34:31,205
That smells good.
Smells better than me.
1645
01:34:34,249 --> 01:34:36,168
Wow... Whoa! Look what you did.
1646
01:34:40,756 --> 01:34:42,174
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah?
1647
01:34:42,800 --> 01:34:44,635
- You know what I think?
- What?
1648
01:34:45,386 --> 01:34:48,555
- I think we need a house.
- A house?
1649
01:34:48,639 --> 01:34:49,640
Yeah.
1650
01:34:50,224 --> 01:34:51,642
The kids will love it up here.
1651
01:34:52,810 --> 01:34:55,437
- Kids?
- Didn't I tell you?
1652
01:34:57,356 --> 01:34:59,692
And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.
1653
01:35:01,193 --> 01:35:03,529
So she went looking for a house.
1654
01:35:03,612 --> 01:35:05,698
Wait, didn't you guys build a house?
1655
01:35:05,781 --> 01:35:07,616
Oh, no, that's way too easy for Carrie.
1656
01:35:07,700 --> 01:35:10,285
She scoured the countryside
then she found this little house,
1657
01:35:10,369 --> 01:35:12,621
she bought it and lifted it up,
1658
01:35:12,705 --> 01:35:15,582
put it on a flatbed truck
and she drove it to Lake Charlie.
1659
01:35:15,666 --> 01:35:18,377
Got a house, Charlie Burnz!
1660
01:35:20,421 --> 01:35:21,755
Thank you.
1661
01:35:21,839 --> 01:35:23,924
So we put in a new foundation,
1662
01:35:24,008 --> 01:35:26,510
plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,
1663
01:35:26,593 --> 01:35:29,096
painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.
1664
01:35:29,179 --> 01:35:30,597
It was our happy place.
1665
01:35:30,681 --> 01:35:33,892
Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!
1666
01:35:33,976 --> 01:35:35,019
She was right.
1667
01:35:35,102 --> 01:35:37,229
Daddy, come on. Are you playing or not?
1668
01:35:37,312 --> 01:35:38,856
The kids loved it.
1669
01:35:40,065 --> 01:35:42,901
Now I know why
you didn't wanna hang the picture.
1670
01:35:44,653 --> 01:35:45,779
No, you don't.
1671
01:35:48,615 --> 01:35:50,743
I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.
1672
01:35:50,826 --> 01:35:54,121
Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.
1673
01:35:54,997 --> 01:35:56,790
I'm not going anywhere yet.
1674
01:36:00,669 --> 01:36:05,049
Okay. My first Broadway play,
It's My Time,
1675
01:36:05,132 --> 01:36:06,592
{\an8}opened up at the Belasco Theatre.
1676
01:36:07,051 --> 01:36:10,637
{\an8}Reviews were terrific, business was great,
but that wasn't enough for me.
1677
01:36:10,721 --> 01:36:12,806
The star was an actor named Jerry Orbach,
1678
01:36:12,890 --> 01:36:15,392
and there was this one speech
late in the second act.
1679
01:36:15,476 --> 01:36:18,354
It never landed right. It drove me crazy.
1680
01:36:18,437 --> 01:36:20,898
All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.
1681
01:36:26,320 --> 01:36:29,698
Things were tense...
1682
01:36:30,949 --> 01:36:32,409
between the two of us.
1683
01:36:33,369 --> 01:36:34,995
I'd been working so much.
1684
01:36:35,079 --> 01:36:36,163
What are we doing?
1685
01:36:36,246 --> 01:36:39,833
I'd been on the road for four months
with the play before it came to Broadway.
1686
01:36:39,917 --> 01:36:42,628
And everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together
1687
01:36:42,711 --> 01:36:45,005
at Lake Charlie, and what was I doing?
1688
01:36:45,089 --> 01:36:47,800
I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.
1689
01:36:47,883 --> 01:36:50,803
Charlie, we have to go right now.
1690
01:36:51,303 --> 01:36:53,722
Jefferson will be awful.
I don't like driving in the dark.
1691
01:36:53,806 --> 01:36:56,684
My mom's got the kids there waiting.
We should have left an hour ago.
1692
01:36:56,767 --> 01:36:59,311
I had to rewrite a speech for Jerry.
It wasn't landing right.
1693
01:36:59,395 --> 01:37:01,355
Great. Okay. That's just great.
1694
01:37:01,438 --> 01:37:03,774
He's reading it.
I wanna make sure it's okay with him.
1695
01:37:03,857 --> 01:37:07,861
You wanna make sure it's okay with him?
With him? How about with me?
1696
01:37:07,945 --> 01:37:10,698
How about your kids
who you haven't seen for months?
1697
01:37:10,781 --> 01:37:12,366
You promised me. You promised us.
1698
01:37:12,449 --> 01:37:15,619
Stop yelling. Five minutes,
I promise. I'll be right in and right out.
1699
01:37:15,703 --> 01:37:18,038
- The kids are waiting.
- I understand. I'll be right out.
1700
01:37:18,122 --> 01:37:20,290
The people are in line,
the show goes up in an hour.
1701
01:37:20,374 --> 01:37:22,126
- Five minutes?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1702
01:37:22,209 --> 01:37:24,962
I know you're upset,
but I hate when you get like this.
1703
01:37:25,045 --> 01:37:28,173
If you're not back in five minutes,
I'm leaving without you.
1704
01:37:28,257 --> 01:37:32,136
I heard you, okay? I heard you.
Goddamn it.
1705
01:37:36,306 --> 01:37:40,144
It took 15 minutes.
When I came out she was gone.
1706
01:37:40,978 --> 01:37:46,316
I was angry. So I watched the show,
that damn speech still didn't land right.
1707
01:37:46,400 --> 01:37:49,278
I had a couple of drinks with Jerry
and then I came back here...
1708
01:37:50,988 --> 01:37:53,949
And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.
1709
01:37:55,117 --> 01:38:00,789
And a policeman in the doorway
asking me my name over and over again.
1710
01:38:02,458 --> 01:38:05,044
And I'm thinking if I don't answer him,
1711
01:38:05,127 --> 01:38:08,380
then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.
1712
01:38:16,597 --> 01:38:20,768
He told me Carrie was driving
on this dark road right near the house.
1713
01:38:20,851 --> 01:38:22,853
She came to this fork in the road,
1714
01:38:24,104 --> 01:38:27,900
and some kid loaded on pills
driving a Jeep ran the stop sign.
1715
01:38:30,486 --> 01:38:31,945
And he hit her head-on.
1716
01:38:33,614 --> 01:38:34,907
She died instantly.
1717
01:38:36,075 --> 01:38:37,868
Kid walked away without a scratch.
1718
01:38:39,870 --> 01:38:42,748
The last time I saw that beautiful face
she was mad at me.
1719
01:38:45,501 --> 01:38:48,379
That's why I can't look
at that picture anymore.
1720
01:38:49,171 --> 01:38:52,341
It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.
1721
01:39:00,599 --> 01:39:01,558
I'm sorry.
1722
01:39:06,814 --> 01:39:07,940
Me too.
1723
01:39:17,032 --> 01:39:20,244
- You need anything from the store?
- Wonton soup.
1724
01:39:20,327 --> 01:39:22,788
I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy...
1725
01:39:22,871 --> 01:39:25,124
- Charlie.
- What?
1726
01:39:26,542 --> 01:39:30,379
I'm just kidding. I'm okay.
I promise. Thanks.
1727
01:39:30,462 --> 01:39:31,422
Good.
1728
01:39:31,505 --> 01:39:35,175
Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we can do some day? It could be fun.
1729
01:39:35,718 --> 01:39:39,972
Ever been to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?
You ever been there?
1730
01:39:40,055 --> 01:39:42,599
It's a lot of fun.
It's pretty amazing what they do.
1731
01:39:48,272 --> 01:39:50,774
Okay. Sure.
1732
01:40:09,376 --> 01:40:14,298
You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.
1733
01:40:17,926 --> 01:40:19,678
- Hi!
- Hi.
1734
01:40:19,762 --> 01:40:22,890
Come on in. Come on in.
This is a surprise.
1735
01:40:22,973 --> 01:40:26,268
What's the matter?
You look very upset. What's wrong?
1736
01:40:26,352 --> 01:40:28,103
I had a fight with my mom.
1737
01:40:28,187 --> 01:40:29,897
She said you were
drunk and embarrassing.
1738
01:40:29,980 --> 01:40:32,483
I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.
1739
01:40:32,566 --> 01:40:35,110
Why did she keep you away from me?
She said something awful.
1740
01:40:35,194 --> 01:40:37,529
- Does she know where you are?
- She thinks I'm at school.
1741
01:40:37,613 --> 01:40:39,156
- How did you get here?
- Uber.
1742
01:40:39,239 --> 01:40:42,159
- We should tell her you're here.
- No! She'll be so mad at me.
1743
01:40:42,242 --> 01:40:45,704
- But Lindsay...
- Please. I just have to know if it's true.
1744
01:40:45,788 --> 01:40:47,289
Is what true?
1745
01:40:49,249 --> 01:40:52,127
She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.
1746
01:40:52,920 --> 01:40:54,380
She said that to you?
1747
01:40:54,463 --> 01:40:57,216
I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.
1748
01:40:59,468 --> 01:41:00,844
No, Lindsay, no.
1749
01:41:01,595 --> 01:41:02,846
Okay.
1750
01:41:06,975 --> 01:41:08,852
Lindsay never made it to school, Rex.
1751
01:41:08,936 --> 01:41:11,897
She used my Uber account
and guess where she took it to.
1752
01:41:13,399 --> 01:41:18,737
I got your wonton soup but the chef said
that you need to use extra conditioner...
1753
01:41:19,780 --> 01:41:21,073
Charlie!
1754
01:41:22,199 --> 01:41:26,120
I got some short ribs, it'll be so good.
1755
01:41:27,371 --> 01:41:28,247
Charlie?
1756
01:41:29,707 --> 01:41:32,292
Charlie? Charlie!
1757
01:41:34,294 --> 01:41:38,424
Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.
1758
01:41:38,507 --> 01:41:40,884
Hey. Where is she?
1759
01:41:40,968 --> 01:41:44,138
- How'd you get in here?
- We grew up here. Where is she?
1760
01:41:44,221 --> 01:41:45,389
- Who?
- My daughter Lindsay.
1761
01:41:45,472 --> 01:41:46,849
And our father. Where's our dad?
1762
01:41:46,932 --> 01:41:48,183
- Lindsay!
- Dad!
1763
01:41:48,267 --> 01:41:51,061
Nobody's here. I just got home myself.
1764
01:41:51,145 --> 01:41:52,896
- Home?
- Do you live here?
1765
01:41:52,980 --> 01:41:55,899
- I moved in a few days ago.
- Oh, lovely.
1766
01:41:55,983 --> 01:41:58,068
- Your dad needs me right now.
- I bet he does.
1767
01:41:59,111 --> 01:42:01,405
You might want
to rethink your attitude, Francine.
1768
01:42:01,989 --> 01:42:04,283
What is this? What is all this about?
1769
01:42:04,783 --> 01:42:06,994
Research for a project he's working on.
1770
01:42:07,077 --> 01:42:09,872
- With our names under the pictures?
- He doesn't know who we are?
1771
01:42:09,955 --> 01:42:11,040
Not all the time.
1772
01:42:12,458 --> 01:42:13,959
Your father's sick.
1773
01:42:14,710 --> 01:42:17,796
He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.
1774
01:42:18,964 --> 01:42:20,549
He can't be alone anymore.
1775
01:42:21,425 --> 01:42:23,927
That's why I moved in, Francine.
1776
01:42:24,011 --> 01:42:28,599
I'm his friend. He's writing a book about
your family and I'm helping him finish it.
1777
01:42:29,725 --> 01:42:31,977
- I can't believe this.
- We had no idea.
1778
01:42:32,061 --> 01:42:34,104
Because you're too busy
being pissed at him.
1779
01:42:35,064 --> 01:42:38,317
Pretty soon before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.
1780
01:42:38,400 --> 01:42:39,818
But you'll remember him.
1781
01:42:40,444 --> 01:42:44,573
He's done a very good job at beating
himself up without you guys piling on.
1782
01:42:44,656 --> 01:42:46,492
You were very happy once.
1783
01:42:46,575 --> 01:42:49,203
It can happen again if you let it.
1784
01:42:50,329 --> 01:42:53,374
- How do we find them?
- I put a GPS on his phone.
1785
01:42:53,457 --> 01:42:55,292
Okay. Let me see.
1786
01:42:59,088 --> 01:43:02,132
- No. No, no, no.
- It's here. It's here.
1787
01:43:03,217 --> 01:43:05,177
Where the hell are they?
1788
01:43:05,260 --> 01:43:07,721
If she's still using my Uber account,
we can find them.
1789
01:43:31,996 --> 01:43:33,372
I cannot believe this.
1790
01:43:33,455 --> 01:43:36,625
- Hey. What's wrong?
- Longer trip than I thought.
1791
01:43:36,709 --> 01:43:39,211
You give five star. I accept nothing less.
1792
01:43:39,294 --> 01:43:40,671
Is this the best way to go?
1793
01:43:42,381 --> 01:43:43,966
This is all my fault.
1794
01:43:44,049 --> 01:43:46,260
She overheard what I said to you.
We got in a fight...
1795
01:43:46,343 --> 01:43:49,471
- She heard that?
- Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?
1796
01:43:49,555 --> 01:43:53,183
- What if he does something crazy?
- What's he gonna do, Francine?
1797
01:43:53,267 --> 01:43:57,855
- What's gonna happen?
- He loves Lindsay. Nothing will happen.
1798
01:43:57,938 --> 01:43:59,440
How can you be so sure?
1799
01:44:00,107 --> 01:44:01,650
I know him.
1800
01:44:09,616 --> 01:44:13,287
Papa! Where are you going? Come back!
1801
01:44:17,458 --> 01:44:21,754
- Please stop!
- Hey, what about my five stars?!
1802
01:44:25,007 --> 01:44:28,135
Oh, God! Lindsay, honey, are you okay?
1803
01:44:28,218 --> 01:44:29,887
Papa Charlie ran away!
1804
01:44:29,970 --> 01:44:32,848
He told the driver to pull over,
jumped out of the car and ran.
1805
01:44:32,931 --> 01:44:34,725
I'm scared. I'm in the woods.
1806
01:44:34,808 --> 01:44:37,644
Lindsay, don't worry. Look around.
Can you see anything?
1807
01:44:37,728 --> 01:44:38,854
I can see the road.
1808
01:44:38,937 --> 01:44:41,774
Go there. Go to the road.
We're gonna find you.
1809
01:44:49,198 --> 01:44:51,075
Mom! Mom!
1810
01:44:54,036 --> 01:44:55,287
Lindsay!
1811
01:44:56,830 --> 01:44:58,040
Sweetheart.
1812
01:45:01,168 --> 01:45:02,670
Come on. Back in the car.
1813
01:45:02,753 --> 01:45:07,091
- Oh, my God. Rex.
- I know. Let's find him.
1814
01:45:16,850 --> 01:45:18,018
Dad?
1815
01:45:18,602 --> 01:45:19,937
- Papa Charlie?
- Dad?
1816
01:45:20,020 --> 01:45:22,022
- Charlie?
- Papa Charlie?
1817
01:45:22,106 --> 01:45:25,693
No, Dad. No. Please, Dad. Dad?
1818
01:45:25,776 --> 01:45:27,444
- Charlie?
- Dad?
1819
01:45:29,697 --> 01:45:31,240
Charlie!
1820
01:45:31,323 --> 01:45:32,408
Papa Charlie!
1821
01:45:32,491 --> 01:45:34,326
Charlie!
1822
01:45:35,995 --> 01:45:39,832
- Dad! Dad!
- Charlie!
1823
01:45:39,915 --> 01:45:42,584
- Papa Charlie!
- Dad!
1824
01:45:42,668 --> 01:45:45,254
- Charlie!
- Dad!
1825
01:45:45,337 --> 01:45:47,840
Papa Charlie, where are you?
1826
01:45:53,387 --> 01:45:54,513
Charlie!
1827
01:45:56,974 --> 01:45:58,142
Charlie.
1828
01:46:02,521 --> 01:46:03,856
- Hey.
- Hey.
1829
01:46:08,068 --> 01:46:11,864
- Hey. You're okay?
- My feet are wet.
1830
01:46:11,947 --> 01:46:13,198
Mine are too.
1831
01:46:14,533 --> 01:46:16,160
Are you okay? You look so upset.
1832
01:46:16,243 --> 01:46:18,078
I'm just happy to see you.
1833
01:46:18,162 --> 01:46:19,455
Dad.
1834
01:46:22,374 --> 01:46:23,834
What are you doing here?
1835
01:46:25,044 --> 01:46:26,253
Hi.
1836
01:46:27,421 --> 01:46:31,592
I wanted to show Lindsay Lake Charlie.
1837
01:46:32,426 --> 01:46:34,136
This is our happy place.
1838
01:46:35,554 --> 01:46:37,681
See, on sunsets we stand right here.
1839
01:46:38,307 --> 01:46:44,438
And we'd watch the sun go down there
and "Bye-bye sun. Bye-bye sun."
1840
01:46:44,521 --> 01:46:45,647
Somebody would say that.
1841
01:46:45,731 --> 01:46:47,274
That was me, Dad.
1842
01:46:48,567 --> 01:46:50,819
- I said that.
- Yeah.
1843
01:46:57,076 --> 01:46:59,286
- I'm sorry about your mother.
- No.
1844
01:46:59,370 --> 01:47:02,665
- Dad, you don't have to.
- No, I have to. I have to, Rex.
1845
01:47:03,165 --> 01:47:05,542
Let me finish
because I'm running out of words.
1846
01:47:09,963 --> 01:47:12,341
Francine, I was not
the reason your mom died.
1847
01:47:14,301 --> 01:47:17,054
That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.
1848
01:47:18,180 --> 01:47:21,517
And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.
1849
01:47:21,600 --> 01:47:23,977
And she died mad at me.
1850
01:47:26,271 --> 01:47:28,691
I can't leave here
knowing that you're mad at me too.
1851
01:47:31,026 --> 01:47:36,156
I can't undo it. I can't undo it.
There's no rewrites this time.
1852
01:47:36,240 --> 01:47:39,702
Come on. Relax. Relax your hands.
1853
01:47:40,869 --> 01:47:42,830
No more fists. Relax your hands.
1854
01:47:47,793 --> 01:47:51,338
Dad. Why didn't you tell us?
1855
01:47:53,841 --> 01:47:56,719
Because I didn't know how.
1856
01:47:59,096 --> 01:48:00,055
And I was scared.
1857
01:48:01,432 --> 01:48:02,349
Of what?
1858
01:48:03,225 --> 01:48:05,978
That maybe you wouldn't care.
1859
01:48:06,061 --> 01:48:07,354
Oh, Dad.
1860
01:48:10,315 --> 01:48:11,775
Forgive me. Please.
1861
01:48:12,943 --> 01:48:15,237
Forgive me so I could forgive myself.
1862
01:48:15,320 --> 01:48:18,073
Because the sight of
your angry eyes keeps me up at night
1863
01:48:18,157 --> 01:48:21,243
and gives me the sweats,
and there's no more time for that.
1864
01:48:21,327 --> 01:48:23,912
There's no more time. I'm here today.
1865
01:48:23,996 --> 01:48:26,123
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
1866
01:48:26,206 --> 01:48:30,919
Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.
1867
01:48:31,462 --> 01:48:35,215
- I love you, Pop.
- Is there room for me?
1868
01:48:35,299 --> 01:48:37,468
- Come here, sweetie.
- I love you too, you know?
1869
01:48:40,471 --> 01:48:42,598
Emma. Emma. Come here.
1870
01:48:47,853 --> 01:48:50,397
Oh, God. What a long time between hugs.
1871
01:49:00,866 --> 01:49:04,161
Mom was always inventing days
for the kids.
1872
01:49:04,244 --> 01:49:06,330
Kids loved "Backwards Day" the best.
1873
01:49:06,413 --> 01:49:08,791
We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.
1874
01:49:08,874 --> 01:49:10,793
No, Pop. It was "Upside-down Day."
1875
01:49:10,876 --> 01:49:14,046
God, I love that.
We would have cake for breakfast.
1876
01:49:14,129 --> 01:49:15,464
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.
1877
01:49:15,547 --> 01:49:17,633
Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?
1878
01:49:17,716 --> 01:49:21,637
- Absolutely.
- Anything for you. Is it upside-down day?
1879
01:49:21,720 --> 01:49:23,222
Yeah. Upside-down day.
1880
01:49:24,014 --> 01:49:25,933
I got it. Upside-down day is great.
1881
01:49:26,016 --> 01:49:28,060
- Yeah?
- This will be really good.
1882
01:49:28,143 --> 01:49:29,228
Okay.
1883
01:49:33,315 --> 01:49:37,611
Hey, Rex, tell them the story about
when Dad was barbecuing outside
1884
01:49:37,695 --> 01:49:40,114
he was making all these hot dogs
and a bear came.
1885
01:49:40,698 --> 01:49:42,449
That's a really good story.
1886
01:49:42,533 --> 01:49:48,038
- Okay, so I think it was July 4th.
- Dad loves 4th of Julys.
1887
01:49:53,002 --> 01:49:54,420
It's beautiful here.
1888
01:50:00,175 --> 01:50:01,510
Are you okay?
1889
01:50:05,889 --> 01:50:06,807
I'm here.
1890
01:50:52,353 --> 01:50:53,812
Come on. Sun's going down.
1891
01:50:55,939 --> 01:50:59,026
It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.
1892
01:51:03,155 --> 01:51:05,699
Come on. Don't wanna miss it.
1893
01:51:09,119 --> 01:51:10,746
This is gonna be a beauty.
1894
01:51:11,664 --> 01:51:13,666
Okay, that looks so beautiful.
1895
01:52:06,260 --> 01:52:07,386
Bye-bye, Sun.
1896
01:52:33,203 --> 01:52:34,830
Goodbye, old man.