1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,532 - Hi. 4 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,134 - Hi! - Hi. 5 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,935 - So happy you guys could join the discussion today. 6 00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:36,304 - Am I too loud? 7 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,672 I didn't really mess with my microphone volume. 8 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,309 - I wanna make sure that my camera placement is right. 9 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,011 Here, and then my laptop straight ahead. 10 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,347 - I just trust you to film whatever angle 11 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:47,615 you think you look best in. 12 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,049 - [laughing] - Okay, cool. 13 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,318 - I'm just gonna have everyone hold your hands 14 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,852 sort of in front of your face 15 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,721 and if everyone could clap so we could sync audio 16 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,889 that would be a huge help. 17 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,057 - Hi, everyone. 18 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,792 - Hey. - Hi. 19 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,529 - I was just thinking about, like, how kind of cathartic 20 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:07,635 this is to talk to people that kind of understand... 21 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,370 kind of some of the darker stuff 22 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,971 that we've sort of lived through. 23 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,207 It's just that it's a great feeling. 24 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,075 [mid-tempo music] 25 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,978 - * Oh, yeah * 26 00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:20,047 * * 27 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:24,084 * I am not the things my family did * 28 00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:28,289 * I am not the voices in my head * 29 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:32,460 * I am not the pieces of the brokenness * 30 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:35,729 * Inside * 31 00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:40,234 * No, I am not mistakes that I have made * 32 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:44,438 * Or any of the things that cause me pain * 33 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:51,412 * No, I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind * 34 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:57,451 * * 35 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:10,298 - I think I knew. I think I knew for a while. 36 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:13,133 A lot of, like, my seventh and eighth grade year 37 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,803 was me looking up, like, depression tests online 38 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,005 and doing different things like that. 39 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,674 Like, I think that I had a sense of it. 40 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:23,677 - I think I knew that I was sad, but... 41 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,679 I didn't quite understand depression fully 42 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,715 'cause even when I was in eighth grade, 43 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:31,285 it wasn't a very... common subject amongst people. 44 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,886 Only when I got into high school 45 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:36,224 did it start being voiced by people, but I was very... 46 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,925 very confused. 47 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,927 - Depression didn't really kick in, like, full-blown depression 48 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,830 until I was probably in middle school. 49 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,733 That's when I would hit these bouts of just... 50 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:50,003 this dark kind of sadness I really couldn't understand. 51 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:53,807 - I felt alone and I felt scared, 52 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:57,345 and I was having these ideas of what killing myself 53 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,280 would even look like. 54 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:02,350 - Probably the first time I thought about suicide 55 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,951 was when I was 13. 56 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,754 - I would imagine what I would look like in a casket 57 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:10,458 or I would imagine... 58 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,160 kind of what my funeral would look like. 59 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:16,997 - I don't think I ever fully wanted to die. 60 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,034 I think I wanted to escape. 61 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,772 - I wasn't really able to talk to my parents 62 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:28,175 because I was just an angsty kid, right? 63 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,643 And when you're a kid, 64 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,445 you avoid your parents. It's what you do. 65 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:35,616 - I remember when I told my dad about my suicide attempt, 66 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,885 he took me to church 67 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,688 because he had thought I was possessed. 68 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,924 [chuckles] I was like..."That is not it." 69 00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:56,203 [suspenseful music] 70 00:03:56,270 --> 00:04:01,275 * * 71 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,592 - This is Annie with YouthLine. 72 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,193 What's going on tonight? 73 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,296 - All right, we have two new texts in queue. 74 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,698 Can anyone grab those? 75 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,735 Thank you. 76 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:32,940 * * 77 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,274 All right, so they confirmed 78 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,544 that they're having thoughts of suicide. 79 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,145 - Okay. 80 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:41,014 - I'm a lead volunteer at the YouthLine. 81 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,683 I've been working with YouthLine 82 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,952 a little over a year. 83 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,425 Part of why I love doing this work 84 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:55,162 is because of the personal experience that I have. 85 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,432 Freshman year of high school, I tried to kill myself. 86 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,134 It hit my family really hard 87 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,236 and when I was in that space, I wasn't, like, 88 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,906 capable of thinking about how it was affecting other people, 89 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,808 which is generally how it is. 90 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:11,579 I think I definitely empathize with the fact 91 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,547 that generally when people are suicidal, 92 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,282 it's really, really hard to think about 93 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,717 how it's gonna affect others. 94 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:18,919 A lot of times, you feel like others aren't gonna care 95 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:22,055 and that's just what your brain is telling you, which sucks. 96 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,625 I had felt like that for a long time. 97 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:29,129 I think other people noticed, but I've always been... 98 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,666 for lack of a better word, high functioning. 99 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,936 * * 100 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,805 At the beginning, I tried to hide it 101 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:42,309 and I tried to not let people know what was going on for me. 102 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:47,881 But freshman year was when stuff kind of got scattered. 103 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:52,052 I was hospitalized for the suicide attempt. 104 00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:54,755 I was kind of like in and out of the hospital 105 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,857 a lot of my freshman year 106 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,592 and was just really, really struggling with, like, 107 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,327 talking about what was going on for me 108 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,896 and not being, like, so angry at everyone 109 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,865 because I was really angry at everyone. 110 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:07,668 You talked about how things 111 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,302 don't feel like they're getting better 112 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,838 and how you're trying really hard 113 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,941 and it doesn't seem like stuff's working. 114 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:17,277 Are you thinking about suicide at all? 115 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,747 I used YouthLine as a resource. 116 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,783 It was kind of my last resort. 117 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,152 I wasn't super into the idea at first 118 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,620 and I didn't really understand, like, 119 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,789 why hotlines would be helpful 120 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:31,024 and then I did use it. 121 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,193 And it was a lot easier to open up to somebody 122 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,428 that was my age. 123 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,696 Okay. 124 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,598 It sucks to hear people who you, like, 125 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,868 so viscerally feel like we're in the exact same spot 126 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,135 as you were before because, like, 127 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,671 I remember being in that spot 128 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,005 and I remember how much it sucked 129 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,874 and how much I didn't want to talk to anyone 130 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,743 and how much I, like, really could not imagine it 131 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:50,878 getting any better. 132 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,481 [laughs] Yeah. 133 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,784 It sucks, but sometimes it's good to let it out. 134 00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:01,121 Do you think that it would be helpful to try to check in 135 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,923 with either, like, the treatment people 136 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,858 or that teacher tomorrow 137 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,762 and then we could call you back after school? 138 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,432 You think that would be helpful? 139 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,137 Okay. Give me one second. 140 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,541 When I was 15, 16, 141 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:24,311 I could not see myself having a job or going to college 142 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,948 because I just couldn't see my future that long. 143 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:31,785 So every time I'd get through one of those milestones, 144 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,386 that's what I think about 145 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,924 and I think about how happy I am to be alive 146 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,527 and how grateful I am that I kept going. 147 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,530 [calm music] 148 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:49,737 * * 149 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:13,193 [mid-tempo music] 150 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:17,197 * * 151 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,734 - My name is Hannah, and I am a high school senior. 152 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,703 [car horn honking] 153 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,037 I'm also an extrovert. 154 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,505 Whoo! - Yeah! 155 00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:27,775 - And I'm the only extrovert 156 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:31,378 in a household of introverts. 157 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,682 I live in Forsyth County, Georgia. 158 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,717 It's the South. 159 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:40,220 It is a very interesting... 160 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,791 area, if you get what I'm saying. 161 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,960 Growing up, it's always just been an unspoken rule 162 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,229 that because of the color of my skin, 163 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,699 I have to work ten times as hard 164 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:55,368 in order to be seen as half as good. 165 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:59,873 I grew up to strive for perfection 166 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,141 quite literally. 167 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,543 I was a competitive gymnast. 168 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:07,147 I was in the gym over 30 hours a week. 169 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,550 But the end of seventh grade, I got really sick 170 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:13,787 and I started getting these dizzy spells 171 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:16,056 and I started fainting. 172 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,226 And because of my fainting, I was bullied. 173 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,696 I was harassed, I was sexually threatened. 174 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:27,500 Freshman year, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. 175 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,537 I just felt so hopeless. I felt useless. 176 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,405 You know, used to be an athlete. 177 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,574 I was on top of the world. I was a gymnast! 178 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:37,210 You know, nothing could have stopped me. 179 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,613 And I went from being that 180 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,450 to a kid who needed help just to be able to walk. 181 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,619 It was just...awful. 182 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,888 * * 183 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:52,926 I didn't want to be seen as the weak little Black girl. 184 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:57,430 And not only that, but with the sexual harassment threats, 185 00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,399 I felt terrified. 186 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,101 You know, what happens if I pass out 187 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,603 around the wrong person? 188 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:06,506 So that was when I started struggling with anxiety 189 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,241 and depression. 190 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,477 I never thought that it'd get that bad 191 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:14,214 until I passed out at school one day, again, 192 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,917 and my mom had to come to the nurse's office. 193 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,019 And just to see the look on her face 194 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,221 when I was in the wheelchair 195 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,958 and she had to wheel me out to her car yet again-- 196 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,393 I didn't want to be her burden, 197 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:30,097 and it just kind of snowballed from there. 198 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,599 Until one night, 199 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:35,635 I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night, 200 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:39,372 grabbed all of my dad's medicine... 201 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:42,810 and my mom, luckily, she barged into my room 202 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:46,714 right when I started to swallow one handful at a time. 203 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,615 And... 204 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:54,221 just the horror on her face when she found me will... 205 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,990 forever be burned into my memory. 206 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,793 * * 207 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,195 Honestly, I don't even think the thought occurred to her 208 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,831 to take me to a hospital. 209 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:07,334 You know, I think it all goes back to that idea of... 210 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,471 weakness in the Black community 211 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:15,642 and how we don't allow ourselves to be seen as weak. 212 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,278 But the night of my suicide attempt, 213 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,880 me and my mom kind of looked at each other 214 00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:23,450 and we were, like, "Okay, well... 215 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:28,088 this--we might...I might need some help," you know? 216 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,557 We started looking for Black therapists 217 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,226 so that I have someone that I could relate to 218 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:37,030 on...on lots and lots of bases. 219 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,868 I love therapy. I'm in therapy religiously. 220 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,903 It's helped me be okay with myself 221 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,671 and learn to love myself. 222 00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:48,341 * * 223 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,610 I started messaging myself 224 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:53,646 things to motivate me throughout the day. 225 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,850 And that's when my brother and I had the idea 226 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,451 for the "Not OK" app-- 227 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,287 basically, a digital panic button 228 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,688 that sends an alert with a message 229 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,892 that says "Hey, it's me, and I'm not OK." 230 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,661 I--honestly, I love creating and I love solving problems 231 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:15,168 and I love sending those solutions out into the world. 232 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,204 - * Ooh * 233 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:23,176 - * I * 234 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:29,883 * I am light, I am light * 235 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,319 - Now, I am my definition 236 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,587 of "Black Girl Magic," you know? 237 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,923 I love myself. 238 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:38,225 I'm wearing my natural hair, you know? 239 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,461 I don't care what anyone else thinks besides me 240 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,797 because I know that I'm magic. 241 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,833 I know how powerful I am. 242 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,035 I know that I'm strong... 243 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,603 even though I can be vulnerable. 244 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:54,842 - * I am light * 245 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,811 [train horn in distance] 246 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,582 - Janis, sitting up here in New York. 247 00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:05,052 Never expected to be studying suicide 248 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,653 and self-injury at all, honestly, 249 00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:09,823 but I tend to like things that make other people nervous. 250 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,224 I like--I like the things 251 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,960 that are on our-- in our social edge 252 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:16,129 because I think that's where the greatest authenticity is, 253 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,364 sort of the place where humans 254 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,132 are in some ways the most human. 255 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,567 Your journeys have been really hard-won. 256 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,702 This is hard-won wisdom, right? 257 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:25,438 So when you look back 258 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:26,907 and when you look at the situations 259 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,375 of other people you encounter, 260 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,810 what do you think are the greatest obstacles 261 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,646 in getting help or receiving help? 262 00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:37,617 - My maybe biggest barrier to getting help 263 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,519 is that for, like, a really long time, 264 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,821 I didn't want help. You know? 265 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:45,058 And I was so used to, like... 266 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,960 dealing with it on my own. 267 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:51,364 And I was so deeply 268 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,665 kind of stuck in my own head 269 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,102 and that even though it was so bad, 270 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,070 it was also kind of comfortable 271 00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,507 because I had been there for so long 272 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,076 and I didn't necessarily want to get better. 273 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,712 - Yeah. I'll pitch in next. 274 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,916 I'd started off fighting every form of treatment 275 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,250 that I was offered. 276 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:11,952 I'd go to counselors and I wouldn't be able 277 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,987 to speak with them 'cause I would just constantly 278 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,622 try to outsmart them. 279 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,357 - I... 280 00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:21,294 I grew up very perfectionistic, 281 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:26,466 and I had a lot of internalized transphobia 282 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:31,038 that was made worse by my perfectionism 283 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:37,577 because I felt like being trans wasn't being perfect. 284 00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,512 - I am of South Asian descent. 285 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,714 I'm an immigrant. I am Indian. 286 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,216 My parents are Indian, 287 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,618 and within the South Asian community, 288 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,989 mental health is incredibly stigmatized. 289 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,992 Like, it's incredibly stigmatized everywhere, 290 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,861 but specifically within immigrant communities 291 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,264 is beyond stigmatized. 292 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,598 - When my family and I, 293 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,567 we were going through family therapy, 294 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,303 we still had a lot to work on, you know? 295 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,940 I was in a much better place, but I was still in a dark place 296 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,876 and I was trying to be honest and open with my family. 297 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,779 But we had to work really, really hard 298 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,249 to break out of those stigmas that were beat into our head 299 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,018 from such a young age, you know? 300 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,186 - I think for me being a member 301 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,387 of the Latinx community, 302 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,622 just culturally, you know, 303 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,524 the way I was raised in that community as a male 304 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,328 regarding help-seeking, regarding mental health issues 305 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,697 and the diagnosis that I had at that time, 306 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,632 overcoming that, the stigma-- 307 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,535 that was a pretty significant barrier. 308 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:37,437 - Yeah. - Yeah. 309 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:38,638 I think you hit it on the head. 310 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:40,940 We kind of keep it to ourselves, 311 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:44,077 and we're not able to have conversations about it 312 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,512 and bring light to it 313 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:48,248 and actually empathize with each other 314 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,450 because we think it's just this rare thing 315 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:54,621 that happens to a select few, but it really isn't. 316 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,294 [train horn in distance] 317 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,497 [dog howling] 318 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,468 - Yeah, so... 319 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:12,705 I'm too, uh, too jacked for this shirt, apparently. 320 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:16,943 It's a wand that's doing a Patronus of a wolf, 321 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:20,680 and the wolf is going up against a Dementor 322 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:24,484 and a Golden Snitch right here 323 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:29,389 and the a little bit of Hogwarts School down here. 324 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,425 [mid-tempo music] 325 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:37,097 * * 326 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,665 When I was bouncing around 327 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,300 in patient treatment facilities, 328 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,602 "Harry Potter" was such a good, like, escape for me. 329 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,704 It really helped me cope a lot. 330 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,473 * * 331 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,041 I was a very emotional kid 332 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,942 and I just had these really strong feelings 333 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,346 that were really difficult for me to regulate. 334 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,049 In the Latin culture particularly, 335 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,951 there is a stigma against-- any sort of mental health 336 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,920 challenge or issue is a sign of weakness. 337 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,623 And then, furthermore, as a male in that culture, 338 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,192 I was to be the protector. 339 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,760 I was to be the-- you know, strong. 340 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:11,298 And there's the kind of, like, "machismo" stereotype. 341 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,668 Because my folks came to the U.S. from Guatemala, 342 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,670 there were so many standards. 343 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:21,574 Like, "We came here for you to live a better life. 344 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,977 "You need to work extra hard 345 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,646 "because people are gonna be watching you. 346 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,315 "People are gonna be waiting for you to screw up. 347 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,084 People are gonna be waiting for you to get in trouble." 348 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,022 From a very young age, 349 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:40,827 I showed signs of having significant anger issues. 350 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,930 But then, beyond that, I had anxiety 351 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,734 and these really intense racing thoughts. 352 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,369 What I describe racing thoughts 353 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,703 for people that don't know, it's like... 354 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,071 it's never positive things. 355 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,473 It was never, like, 356 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:54,807 "Oh, I feel great. I can't wait to go to school. 357 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:55,808 "I can't wait to go hang out with my friends 358 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,076 "and ask questions at school, 359 00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:58,378 talk to my teachers and all that stuff." 360 00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,612 Like, it was never anything like that. 361 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,181 It's always negative thoughts, like, 362 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:02,549 "Oh, like, why'd you do that? That was so stupid. 363 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,950 "Like, don't do that. Why'd you say that? 364 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,686 "Don't--why'd you--don't go to class, don't do this, 365 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,388 you can't do that, don't even try, you're gonna mess up." 366 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,659 Like, it's that racing, just exhausting dialogue in my head. 367 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:19,098 Come sophomore year, my mental state was just really fragile. 368 00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,900 And by my senior year, 369 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,303 I started to feel this, like, immense pressure. 370 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,104 * * 371 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,907 My brothers both went to Ivy League schools. 372 00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,577 One of my brothers was at MIT and the other was at Penn. 373 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,579 * * 374 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,314 Everybody was kind of like, "Wow! 375 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,849 "Look at what you're family's done since they've been here. 376 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,885 That's awesome." Like, "You're next." 377 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,320 * * 378 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,088 And I felt like a burden. 379 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,490 * * 380 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,124 I remember just feeling like 381 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,494 I just didn't want to be here anymore. 382 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,998 * * 383 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:55,468 Took a bunch of pills and took my parent's car. 384 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:56,969 * * 385 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,772 I remember just seeing these flashing lights 386 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,742 in my rearview mirror. 387 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,545 I remember thinking to myself, "It's too late. 388 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:08,581 They can't stop me. This is over." 389 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:13,620 I remember just looking up and seeing this state trooper 390 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,555 out of his car, gun drawn, 391 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,324 and I remember just saying to him, like, 392 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,891 "Please, just shoot." 393 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,460 Like, "There's nothing you can do. 394 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,629 You can't save me." 395 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,364 He kind of saw that I was in distress 396 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,733 and, fortunately, was able to subdue me away from traffic 397 00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:30,169 and I blacked out. 398 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,907 I woke up handcuffed to my hospital bed. 399 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:37,143 I was admitted into a day treatment program. 400 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,411 I remember thinking, 401 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,112 "I don't think I can amount to anything. 402 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,516 I don't think I can go on. I don't think I have a future." 403 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,885 [birds chirping] 404 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,255 I had two or three friends that would write me letters 405 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:49,656 and check in on me. 406 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,924 I had the support from most of my family 407 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,360 even though, you know, a lot of them 408 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,661 couldn't really understand or relate 409 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,429 to what I was going through. 410 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:57,697 And I remember thinking to myself, 411 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,699 I've, like, fucked this up so much." 412 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:03,370 Like, I've been my own worst enemy in so many ways. 413 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,705 But if there's anybody that can look me in the eye 414 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,640 or write me these letters and tell me they care about me 415 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:08,808 and they still think I can be, like, 416 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,544 a functioning adult in the future... 417 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,045 maybe I should trust them. 418 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,048 [birds chirping] 419 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,552 I remember going to my therapist, 420 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,120 this old white dude with, like, a curly mustache 421 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:23,055 and would, like, rock in his chair during our sessions. 422 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,558 And I remember going to him and being, like, 423 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,126 "I'm so pumped, I can't wait to get out. 424 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,828 "I'm gonna graduate high school, 425 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,364 I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna, like, go do things." 426 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:34,367 And, like, I was genuinely excited and motivated 427 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:35,535 and he kind of just looked at me 428 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:36,836 and he, like, rocked in his chair 429 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:37,870 and he, like, twirled his mustache 430 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,772 and he was like, "Pablo... 431 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,173 "Your true test is gonna be, 432 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,075 "are you gonna be able to maintain--this momentum 433 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,512 "that you have right now in this moment-- 434 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:46,746 "are you gonna be able to maintain that 435 00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:49,048 when there's a challenge?" 436 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:51,117 [calm music] 437 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,186 So I went back home and graduated high school 438 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,089 and started to kind of just change things up. 439 00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:58,925 I started working at a health club 440 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,193 and learned a lot about having a healthy body 441 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,796 and a healthy mind. 442 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:07,033 Met who is now my beautiful wife. 443 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,236 Got a dog and learned how to have to, like, 444 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:13,005 walk it three times a day and feed it. 445 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:15,642 And so I kind of learned that I needed to have, like, 446 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,009 foundation upon foundation 447 00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,778 upon safety net and backup plan 448 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:21,681 so that, like, no matter what blew up in my life 449 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,016 that I could still bounce back and just take it as, like, 450 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,453 an obstacle and keep it moving. 451 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,355 * * 452 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:31,658 Boom! 453 00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:33,693 Like, through COVID and being at home 454 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:34,994 and all the racial injustice 455 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:37,564 that's coming into the spotlight right now, 456 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,031 it's like... 457 00:21:39,098 --> 00:21:41,634 you have to be patient and kind with yourself 458 00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:43,536 and with those around you to help understand 459 00:21:43,603 --> 00:21:44,871 and to help listen 460 00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:48,341 and to help push through this really tough time. 461 00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:51,344 [moody music] 462 00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:58,317 * * 463 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:15,101 [soft music] 464 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:21,207 * * 465 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:24,577 - How are you doing? 466 00:22:24,644 --> 00:22:26,145 - I'm doing okay. 467 00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:29,849 I had a pretty decent week for the most part 468 00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:31,418 except for my birthday. 469 00:22:31,484 --> 00:22:34,320 I turned 25. 470 00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:37,924 Yeah, I don't--I don't like my birthdays. 471 00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:40,259 Like, all my past birthdays, my recent birthdays, 472 00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:45,131 from, like, 19 until now have all been super shitty. 473 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,799 Like, my last birthday, I was in a psych hospital 474 00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,134 for, like, two months. - Okay. 475 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,369 - And so it just makes me feel bad. 476 00:22:51,771 --> 00:22:53,172 [sighs] 477 00:22:53,239 --> 00:22:56,709 What do I do when I'm feeling super intense? 478 00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:58,144 Like, I'm getting clouded. 479 00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,979 Like, "Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. 480 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:02,181 Life is worthless," like in that moment, 481 00:23:02,248 --> 00:23:03,950 and I'm freaking out. 482 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:06,686 - When emotions are really high, it's like a bonfire. 483 00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,287 A forest fire. 484 00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,990 At that moment, the best thing you can possibly do 485 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,659 is do some distracting 486 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,360 because we need to get that, 487 00:23:14,427 --> 00:23:16,996 what feels like a forest fire of emotions, 488 00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:20,066 down to, like, a campfire size. 489 00:23:22,101 --> 00:23:23,803 - When I hear somebody say, like, 490 00:23:23,870 --> 00:23:25,171 they've never felt low enough 491 00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:26,639 where they've wanted to kill themselves 492 00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:28,140 or suicide's never crossed their mind, 493 00:23:28,207 --> 00:23:31,110 like, to me, I'm like... "How is that possible?" 494 00:23:31,177 --> 00:23:34,046 Because it's just been on my brain, like, my whole life. 495 00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:35,648 - Yeah. - And so... 496 00:23:35,715 --> 00:23:37,717 I don't know, it seems weird. 497 00:23:37,784 --> 00:23:41,020 Like, I just want to be over it. 498 00:23:42,789 --> 00:23:45,625 [soft music] 499 00:23:45,692 --> 00:23:53,199 * * 500 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:57,937 I can't remember anything before age seven. 501 00:23:59,539 --> 00:24:02,208 That's when it all started. 502 00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:06,713 * * 503 00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:09,081 My family's never been close. 504 00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:14,386 There was a lot of tension and fighting. 505 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:17,389 My dad was a pretty angry person 506 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:22,495 and my mom was pretty consumed with her mental health issues. 507 00:24:22,562 --> 00:24:24,196 * * 508 00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:27,166 When I was nine, my mom tried to kill herself. 509 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:32,905 I don't know all the reasons why she did that, but... 510 00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:36,843 I understand what it's like to feel... 511 00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:38,545 like you want to die. 512 00:24:38,611 --> 00:24:41,514 [somber music] 513 00:24:41,581 --> 00:24:48,521 * * 514 00:24:53,025 --> 00:24:54,527 When I was super young, 515 00:24:54,594 --> 00:24:56,829 I tried to avoid my home life as much as possible 516 00:24:56,896 --> 00:24:58,430 so then I was out a lot 517 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:01,433 and then being around older influences 518 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,203 and people who did not have my best interest... 519 00:25:04,270 --> 00:25:07,473 I would say that's when I started... 520 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:12,111 on a cycle that was just definitely not healthy for me. 521 00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:14,313 So I ended up starting to drink 522 00:25:14,380 --> 00:25:18,517 and smoke weed and pop pills when I was, like, 13. 523 00:25:19,051 --> 00:25:22,855 And then I was raped when I was 13 524 00:25:22,922 --> 00:25:24,824 by these older men. 525 00:25:24,891 --> 00:25:26,726 I didn't tell anyone about it, 526 00:25:26,793 --> 00:25:31,197 and then when I was 16, I had an experience as well. 527 00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:35,835 And I didn't know it was... 528 00:25:35,902 --> 00:25:37,269 it just seemed normal, 529 00:25:37,336 --> 00:25:41,674 and I felt like it was my fault, and... 530 00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:43,610 I think I could see now, like, 531 00:25:43,676 --> 00:25:46,746 all the things that played into me wanting to not be here, 532 00:25:46,813 --> 00:25:49,582 but that's when I started, like... 533 00:25:49,649 --> 00:25:53,319 hating life and then my self-harm got, like, crazy. 534 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,421 * * 535 00:25:55,487 --> 00:25:59,826 And at this point, like, I was very suicidal. 536 00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:05,164 And I had different attempts along the way. 537 00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:08,768 I've been in a psych ward maybe four or five times. 538 00:26:08,835 --> 00:26:10,670 I would, like, wake up in the hospital. 539 00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:13,005 I'm like, "Fuck, I'm still here." 540 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:19,011 * * 541 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:22,248 I needed something different... 542 00:26:22,314 --> 00:26:25,551 and I left California. 543 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:29,922 Moving here with my aunt and my uncle 544 00:26:29,989 --> 00:26:31,958 and then their two boys... 545 00:26:33,059 --> 00:26:34,827 That changed my life. 546 00:26:34,894 --> 00:26:36,262 [laughs] Okay. 547 00:26:36,328 --> 00:26:37,864 Dear God, thank you for this food, 548 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:41,433 and I pray that you help us to just be lights in this world 549 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:42,769 and honor you. 550 00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:44,971 In Jesus' name, Amen. - Amen. 551 00:26:46,405 --> 00:26:48,474 - I immediately got a customer service job 552 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,476 which is my favorite kind of job 553 00:26:50,542 --> 00:26:52,444 'cause I get to interact with people, 554 00:26:52,511 --> 00:26:57,049 and I started to meet people here in Colorado. 555 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,651 Like all week, all I was eating was... 556 00:26:58,718 --> 00:27:00,787 As soon as I moved here, I got a therapist, though, 557 00:27:00,853 --> 00:27:03,022 just because I'm like, "Next time I get triggered, 558 00:27:03,089 --> 00:27:05,324 "I'm not--I'm not gonna go off the deep end 559 00:27:05,391 --> 00:27:09,796 and try to wreck my life and not care." 560 00:27:09,862 --> 00:27:11,698 I'm not gonna lie. 561 00:27:11,764 --> 00:27:15,735 I'm not sure what keeps me here all the time. 562 00:27:15,802 --> 00:27:19,071 My friends, my dog. 563 00:27:19,138 --> 00:27:21,573 I'm still figuring it out. 564 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,543 [soft music] 565 00:27:24,610 --> 00:27:27,479 * * 566 00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:28,881 - Uh, can I write? 567 00:27:28,948 --> 00:27:30,216 - You can write, yeah. 568 00:27:30,282 --> 00:27:32,685 - Is that, like, a quality shot? 569 00:27:32,752 --> 00:27:36,222 - Yeah, yeah. [laughter] 570 00:27:36,288 --> 00:27:40,860 [mid-tempo music] 571 00:27:40,927 --> 00:27:43,629 - Well, my name is, officially, as of last week, 572 00:27:43,696 --> 00:27:45,431 Quinn Marcroft. 573 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:48,801 I've got that nice little "F" on my driver's license now. 574 00:27:48,868 --> 00:27:51,037 So, yeah. 575 00:27:51,103 --> 00:27:53,339 So this is my little pine bed here, 576 00:27:53,405 --> 00:27:56,743 and it's a good place to sit and read. 577 00:27:56,809 --> 00:27:59,311 I just added some new needles. 578 00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:03,415 I recently moved to Portland, Oregon. 579 00:28:03,482 --> 00:28:05,651 This is the first time in my life 580 00:28:05,718 --> 00:28:08,554 that I've been able to live on my own. 581 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:11,357 [whistling] 582 00:28:11,423 --> 00:28:13,625 I mostly grew up in St. George, Utah. 583 00:28:14,927 --> 00:28:18,197 And I was kind of raised to love nature 584 00:28:18,264 --> 00:28:22,268 and that's always been something that I... 585 00:28:22,334 --> 00:28:25,371 go to when I'm having a hard time. 586 00:28:26,973 --> 00:28:29,341 Because if I don't force myself 587 00:28:29,408 --> 00:28:31,410 to do things that I enjoy, 588 00:28:31,477 --> 00:28:34,280 then I forget that I enjoy things. 589 00:28:36,315 --> 00:28:38,684 I've been diagnosed with 590 00:28:38,751 --> 00:28:45,191 borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, 591 00:28:45,257 --> 00:28:48,227 bipolar disorder once, um, 592 00:28:48,294 --> 00:28:50,062 and I think the one 593 00:28:50,129 --> 00:28:53,699 that most of the people that know me have kind of settled on 594 00:28:53,766 --> 00:28:57,069 is the treatment-resistant depression. 595 00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:04,510 When I was like four or five, 596 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:11,383 I would always pretend, like, in secret, to be a woman. 597 00:29:11,450 --> 00:29:14,186 And I would hide it. 598 00:29:14,253 --> 00:29:17,723 I knew that being a gender 599 00:29:17,790 --> 00:29:20,592 that you weren't assigned 600 00:29:20,659 --> 00:29:23,262 is not something that's looked upon as good, 601 00:29:23,329 --> 00:29:25,331 at least in Utah...right? 602 00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,800 Or, at least in the LDS culture. 603 00:29:27,867 --> 00:29:30,336 And LDS is "Latter Day Saints." 604 00:29:30,402 --> 00:29:33,139 It's Mormon, for those of you who don't know. 605 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,978 The winter of my junior year in high school, 606 00:29:39,045 --> 00:29:40,646 I came out to my parents. 607 00:29:42,381 --> 00:29:46,018 And my parents weren't thrilled, 608 00:29:46,085 --> 00:29:49,088 but they were always... 609 00:29:49,155 --> 00:29:51,457 always supportive of me. 610 00:29:52,491 --> 00:29:56,863 I started hormones in 2016. 611 00:29:57,729 --> 00:30:01,500 But I didn't want to be out as trans in high school. 612 00:30:03,369 --> 00:30:05,938 I wore a dress to graduation 613 00:30:06,005 --> 00:30:08,674 under my cap and gown, 614 00:30:08,740 --> 00:30:11,577 and it was a really cute way to come out to the public, 615 00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:15,314 but I'm a trans woman in a very Conservative society. 616 00:30:15,381 --> 00:30:18,284 Basically an outcast. 617 00:30:20,286 --> 00:30:23,722 After that, things kind of went to shit. 618 00:30:23,789 --> 00:30:26,692 [soft music] 619 00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:31,563 My suicidal ideation was off the charts. 620 00:30:31,630 --> 00:30:36,668 I don't think that I ever really wanted to leave. 621 00:30:36,735 --> 00:30:38,204 * * 622 00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:41,840 I just know that I wanted to be out of the pain. 623 00:30:41,908 --> 00:30:45,744 I have been forcing myself to not spend more than an hour 624 00:30:45,811 --> 00:30:47,980 on my phone a day. 625 00:30:48,047 --> 00:30:51,383 I read, I write, I go on a walk, 626 00:30:51,450 --> 00:30:53,652 I listen to music that I like, 627 00:30:53,719 --> 00:30:56,555 and I do all of these different things, 628 00:30:56,622 --> 00:30:59,291 and that builds my life worth living. 629 00:31:00,092 --> 00:31:03,029 [somber music] 630 00:31:03,095 --> 00:31:10,202 * * 631 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,813 [edgy music] 632 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:28,820 * * 633 00:31:41,968 --> 00:31:43,169 - My name is Saniya. 634 00:31:43,235 --> 00:31:45,771 I live in San Jose, California, 635 00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:49,808 and I go to school at Drexel University in Philadelphia. 636 00:31:54,646 --> 00:31:56,882 Coming from a South Asian background 637 00:31:56,949 --> 00:31:58,384 of a collectivist culture 638 00:31:58,450 --> 00:32:02,788 where being an individual is selfish, 639 00:32:02,854 --> 00:32:06,892 that plays a huge role in how you interact with mental health 640 00:32:06,959 --> 00:32:08,194 and even self-care. 641 00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:10,829 [water splashes] 642 00:32:19,371 --> 00:32:23,075 From a very young age, I knew that my parents had problems. 643 00:32:23,142 --> 00:32:27,446 The earliest I can remember my dad being abusive 644 00:32:27,513 --> 00:32:30,216 is probably about four. 645 00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:32,784 They had gotten into a fight, 646 00:32:32,851 --> 00:32:36,388 and I remember hearing something fall down the stairs 647 00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:41,393 and I remember just instantly thinking 648 00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:43,895 that was my mom. 649 00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:47,666 * * 650 00:32:47,733 --> 00:32:52,938 But there was this unsaid, unspoken rule of 651 00:32:53,005 --> 00:32:54,173 things are kept quiet. 652 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,343 What happens in the home stays in the home. 653 00:32:57,409 --> 00:33:01,547 As time went on, the abuse was more often. 654 00:33:01,613 --> 00:33:04,250 I was seeing it a lot more. 655 00:33:04,316 --> 00:33:08,354 I felt utterly alone. 656 00:33:08,420 --> 00:33:09,855 Beginning of sophomore year, 657 00:33:09,921 --> 00:33:11,823 my parents finally got separated. 658 00:33:11,890 --> 00:33:14,426 Moved in with my mom full-time. 659 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,395 At school, I couldn't concentrate. 660 00:33:16,462 --> 00:33:18,497 My grades fell drastically. 661 00:33:18,564 --> 00:33:21,533 I couldn't get up in the mornings. 662 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:26,905 I went to the school counselor and I told her... 663 00:33:26,972 --> 00:33:28,474 "Hi," like... 664 00:33:28,540 --> 00:33:33,112 "I'm, you know... I'm suicidal," and... 665 00:33:33,179 --> 00:33:36,182 she said, "But are you really?" 666 00:33:36,248 --> 00:33:42,421 And it was March 15th of 2015 667 00:33:42,488 --> 00:33:46,092 and I--my mom wasn't home. 668 00:33:46,158 --> 00:33:48,026 My sister was with my dad. 669 00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:50,462 And I was just, like, "You know what? 670 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:53,932 I'm tired. I'm gonna do it." 671 00:33:53,999 --> 00:33:55,534 * * 672 00:33:55,601 --> 00:33:59,338 I had written a note on my Facebook wall 673 00:33:59,405 --> 00:34:03,309 saying sorry for being a burden 674 00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:06,312 to my friends and my family. 675 00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:08,214 My best friend saw the post. 676 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,449 She called me and she was like, "I'm coming over." 677 00:34:10,516 --> 00:34:11,883 And I was like, "Please don't." 678 00:34:11,950 --> 00:34:14,686 And she was like, "No, I'm coming over." 679 00:34:14,753 --> 00:34:18,790 Drove over and just kind of held me. 680 00:34:18,857 --> 00:34:23,362 I really appreciate that she convinced me 681 00:34:23,429 --> 00:34:24,963 to tell my mom, 682 00:34:25,030 --> 00:34:26,965 because I don't think I would have 683 00:34:27,032 --> 00:34:30,369 if she didn't stay with me until my mom came home. 684 00:34:30,436 --> 00:34:33,004 * * 685 00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,506 And I told my mom, 686 00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:38,144 "So, I tried to kill myself today. 687 00:34:38,210 --> 00:34:40,412 I need to go to the hospital." 688 00:34:40,479 --> 00:34:42,047 * * 689 00:34:42,114 --> 00:34:45,050 My mom had to really shift her own mentality 690 00:34:45,117 --> 00:34:48,420 because of the world she grew up in. 691 00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:53,192 She visited me every day at the hospital, 692 00:34:53,259 --> 00:34:55,361 as well when I was transferred to the psych ward. 693 00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:58,830 She took me to my therapy appointments. 694 00:34:58,897 --> 00:35:01,900 She went to the group meetings with other parents 695 00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:04,002 to learn about what was going on, 696 00:35:04,069 --> 00:35:06,638 to make sure I took my medication. 697 00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:11,677 Mental health is a huge taboo in the South Asian community 698 00:35:11,743 --> 00:35:13,879 and the Asian American community. 699 00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:17,449 To make that shift into acknowledge and accept 700 00:35:17,516 --> 00:35:20,018 "My daughter has a mental illness, 701 00:35:20,085 --> 00:35:23,689 "my daughter is diagnosed with depression, 702 00:35:23,755 --> 00:35:26,392 "this is--therapy is the right path, 703 00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:29,027 medication is the right path..." 704 00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:30,329 Was huge. 705 00:35:30,396 --> 00:35:33,532 * * 706 00:35:33,599 --> 00:35:36,001 And this is "Loudmouth Ladkis." 707 00:35:36,067 --> 00:35:39,371 As you know, our podcast is focused on 708 00:35:39,438 --> 00:35:42,474 exploring taboo, stigmatized topics 709 00:35:42,541 --> 00:35:46,278 that our South Asian parents don't explore. 710 00:35:46,345 --> 00:35:49,781 You can log on and check out 711 00:35:49,848 --> 00:35:52,851 which South Asian therapists are within your area. 712 00:35:52,918 --> 00:35:54,152 You can shoot them a message. 713 00:35:54,220 --> 00:35:56,622 My entire mental health journey, 714 00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:58,924 which is, you know, still going on, 715 00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:02,794 has really informed what I want to do in the future, 716 00:36:02,861 --> 00:36:06,765 because I've had so many people come and ask me, you know, 717 00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:09,768 "I'm looking for a therapist that looks like me." 718 00:36:09,835 --> 00:36:12,804 And, like, I completely understand that. 719 00:36:12,871 --> 00:36:15,741 I mean, that's the-- the driving force 720 00:36:15,807 --> 00:36:19,211 behind why I want to become a psychologist. 721 00:36:19,278 --> 00:36:22,214 [soft music] 722 00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:29,421 * * 723 00:36:30,322 --> 00:36:33,024 - What were the turning points in your journey? 724 00:36:33,091 --> 00:36:35,494 What--I mean, all of you got to the precipice 725 00:36:35,561 --> 00:36:37,796 where you considered not living. 726 00:36:37,863 --> 00:36:41,367 What--why did you decide to live and to stay? 727 00:36:41,433 --> 00:36:45,437 - Yeah, I got sober after performing on a cruise ship. 728 00:36:45,504 --> 00:36:46,738 [chuckles] For four months. 729 00:36:46,805 --> 00:36:49,808 So you can imagine that that was kind of 730 00:36:49,875 --> 00:36:51,377 what I was doing a lot of. 731 00:36:51,443 --> 00:36:55,714 When I quit drinking was really when my life turned around 732 00:36:55,781 --> 00:37:00,118 and I became less suicidal when I stopped drinking. 733 00:37:00,185 --> 00:37:02,588 - I guess the medicine 734 00:37:02,654 --> 00:37:04,656 is pretty much the biggest thing out of all of it. 735 00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:06,692 I've struggled with a lot of addictions 736 00:37:06,758 --> 00:37:09,661 in which I don't trust myself with certain medications, 737 00:37:09,728 --> 00:37:13,131 so it took a long time... [laughs] 738 00:37:13,198 --> 00:37:15,200 it took a really long time, but, 739 00:37:15,267 --> 00:37:17,336 I consulted with a psychiatrist 740 00:37:17,403 --> 00:37:19,938 over taking an anti-anxiety medication 741 00:37:20,005 --> 00:37:22,974 and I've definitely turned around where I need to be. 742 00:37:23,041 --> 00:37:25,176 - The first time I ever went to the hospital 743 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:28,113 for, like, psychiatric care 744 00:37:28,179 --> 00:37:30,181 was the result of a suicide attempt 745 00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:34,286 and so I was definitely sure that, you know, 746 00:37:34,353 --> 00:37:35,487 that that was bad enough, 747 00:37:35,554 --> 00:37:37,723 that that could be my turning point. 748 00:37:37,789 --> 00:37:41,059 That was only the beginning of it. 749 00:37:41,126 --> 00:37:44,363 And I hated therapy and I absolutely did not want to go. 750 00:37:44,430 --> 00:37:47,399 I realized that, like, this isn't gonna work 751 00:37:47,466 --> 00:37:49,535 if I don't think it's going to work. 752 00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:51,202 - I think maybe we-- - I think-- 753 00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:52,638 Go ahead. - Yeah. 754 00:37:52,704 --> 00:37:54,873 Okay, so I think it got really dark for me, 755 00:37:54,940 --> 00:37:57,876 but I had no idea that it was depression, 756 00:37:57,943 --> 00:37:59,911 and I ended up going to counseling 757 00:37:59,978 --> 00:38:03,982 after a bunch of resistance initially to counseling. 758 00:38:04,049 --> 00:38:08,487 I ended up finally going and speaking to a psychiatrist. 759 00:38:08,554 --> 00:38:10,722 And so the turning point was really just 760 00:38:10,789 --> 00:38:13,625 really being sick and tired of where I was 761 00:38:13,692 --> 00:38:16,261 and willing to try anything 762 00:38:16,328 --> 00:38:18,564 to get myself to a better position. 763 00:38:18,630 --> 00:38:19,931 - Kind of like Abraham's saying, 764 00:38:19,998 --> 00:38:22,568 I also didn't know what it was. 765 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:24,936 I just knew I wanted to die constantly, 766 00:38:25,003 --> 00:38:28,306 like, every day, and there was no way out. 767 00:38:28,374 --> 00:38:31,009 And so it finally took 768 00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:34,513 kind of my life falling into a complete dark hole 769 00:38:34,580 --> 00:38:37,916 for me to kind of look for a lot of professional help. 770 00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:40,786 And so kind of realizing I'm human, 771 00:38:40,852 --> 00:38:42,087 and that doesn't make me weak. 772 00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:43,955 It actually-- it's a strong thing 773 00:38:44,022 --> 00:38:45,657 to admit that you're hurting. 774 00:38:45,724 --> 00:38:48,126 - I think the people in this room...can we call it a room? 775 00:38:48,193 --> 00:38:49,795 The people in this room? - Sure. 776 00:38:49,861 --> 00:38:51,830 - For sure, like, I mean... 777 00:38:51,897 --> 00:38:54,265 we were able to get through what we got through. 778 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:58,470 We are continuing to battle, like, day-to-day challenges 779 00:38:58,537 --> 00:39:00,038 and I think that the ability that we have 780 00:39:00,105 --> 00:39:03,041 to connect in this way, I think, is... 781 00:39:03,108 --> 00:39:05,844 it inspires me and gives me hope for the future. 782 00:39:17,756 --> 00:39:19,925 - Um... 783 00:39:19,991 --> 00:39:23,729 so, I'll go with this one here. 784 00:39:23,795 --> 00:39:26,765 This one I wrote is, like, how I think. 785 00:39:26,832 --> 00:39:29,635 It's just a rush of thoughts. 786 00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,136 "I'm running from paranoia, 787 00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,571 "I think that I'm being tortured 788 00:39:32,638 --> 00:39:34,640 "with closed lips and reaping horrors. 789 00:39:34,706 --> 00:39:36,007 "I rob myself of my whole life, 790 00:39:36,074 --> 00:39:37,576 "I should be booked for larceny. 791 00:39:37,643 --> 00:39:39,277 "I'm Houdini, trapped inside myself 792 00:39:39,344 --> 00:39:41,647 without a master key." 793 00:39:41,713 --> 00:39:46,585 The first verse is kind of me running from myself. 794 00:39:46,652 --> 00:39:49,621 I have a ton of demons, and... 795 00:39:49,688 --> 00:39:53,191 I don't think the suicidal thoughts will ever go away. 796 00:39:53,258 --> 00:39:59,465 * * 797 00:39:59,531 --> 00:40:02,701 I am Nathan, and I'm 17. 798 00:40:02,768 --> 00:40:06,805 * * 799 00:40:06,872 --> 00:40:09,407 I--I don't have any kind of clear grasp 800 00:40:09,475 --> 00:40:11,910 of who I might be. 801 00:40:11,977 --> 00:40:15,847 I'm still struggling to, like, find passions 802 00:40:15,914 --> 00:40:18,917 and substance. 803 00:40:18,984 --> 00:40:21,186 I'm just lacking... 804 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:22,420 * * 805 00:40:22,488 --> 00:40:23,989 Me. 806 00:40:24,556 --> 00:40:27,125 My parents have always been amazing people. 807 00:40:27,192 --> 00:40:31,730 I know that I am not at all what they expected. 808 00:40:35,133 --> 00:40:37,569 I mean, my mom is a therapist. 809 00:40:37,636 --> 00:40:39,871 She's, of course, expressed her concerns 810 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,040 about what she thinks I'm going through, 811 00:40:42,107 --> 00:40:44,643 but I'm very much in denial about stuff. 812 00:40:44,710 --> 00:40:47,646 [soft music] 813 00:40:47,713 --> 00:40:52,684 * * 814 00:40:52,751 --> 00:40:54,019 I guess I was bouncy. 815 00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:55,220 I was kind of an off-the-walls kid. 816 00:40:55,286 --> 00:40:57,656 I always had a lot of energy. 817 00:40:57,723 --> 00:40:59,525 I grew up in Utah, 818 00:40:59,591 --> 00:41:03,194 and it was a very interesting experience, to say the least, 819 00:41:03,261 --> 00:41:07,232 but then I moved to Colorado... 820 00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,936 and that was something completely different. 821 00:41:11,570 --> 00:41:15,373 When I transferred schools, I lost all of my friends. 822 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:20,045 It started off with bullying and just not being accepted. 823 00:41:20,111 --> 00:41:22,447 I would change myself on a daily basis. 824 00:41:22,514 --> 00:41:23,982 Change up my clothes, my style, 825 00:41:24,049 --> 00:41:25,483 the way I talked, the way I walked, 826 00:41:25,551 --> 00:41:28,486 anything I could do to conform to people 827 00:41:28,554 --> 00:41:31,089 who would just finally accept me. 828 00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:32,457 And I know if I could have dropped 829 00:41:32,524 --> 00:41:35,326 wanting to be everyone else instead of myself, 830 00:41:35,393 --> 00:41:36,795 I wouldn't have--I wouldn't have fallen 831 00:41:36,862 --> 00:41:38,229 into a loop of drugs. 832 00:41:38,296 --> 00:41:41,700 I wouldn't have fallen into a cycle of depression. 833 00:41:41,767 --> 00:41:44,870 I wouldn't have fallen into anything. 834 00:41:44,936 --> 00:41:47,405 I'm sure I would have had my problems, but... 835 00:41:47,472 --> 00:41:52,043 it wouldn't have been the same at all, by any means. 836 00:41:54,045 --> 00:41:55,413 The first real moment where I was like, 837 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,049 "Yeah, I think I want it to be over," 838 00:41:58,116 --> 00:42:00,886 was probably, like, eighth grade. 839 00:42:00,952 --> 00:42:02,487 I felt like a mess. 840 00:42:02,554 --> 00:42:05,256 I felt like... 841 00:42:05,323 --> 00:42:08,193 I didn't have a real purpose. 842 00:42:08,259 --> 00:42:11,162 And I know I look back at it and I'm, like, 843 00:42:11,229 --> 00:42:13,464 "I was in eighth grade, how could I possibly 844 00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,233 determine my purpose in eighth grade?" 845 00:42:15,300 --> 00:42:17,569 But, I mean, it's how I felt. 846 00:42:17,636 --> 00:42:20,138 [tinny music playing] 847 00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:22,974 Turning 18 soon and having to adult, 848 00:42:23,041 --> 00:42:25,076 it's been a roller-coaster. 849 00:42:25,143 --> 00:42:27,946 Oh, I've got an idea. 850 00:42:28,013 --> 00:42:30,115 Music is like what saved my life. 851 00:42:30,181 --> 00:42:35,253 It's just a way to feel those feelings. 852 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,422 I can say to myself sometimes, 853 00:42:37,488 --> 00:42:39,057 "It's okay to feel it." 854 00:42:39,124 --> 00:42:41,492 I think tucking it away... 855 00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:43,595 it's inevitable to come back around. 856 00:42:43,662 --> 00:42:44,930 Let yourself cry. 857 00:42:44,996 --> 00:42:46,965 Let yourself feel the feelings you're feeling. 858 00:42:47,032 --> 00:42:49,768 Or do your damn best, at least. 859 00:42:49,835 --> 00:42:53,004 I--you just have to kind of... 860 00:42:53,071 --> 00:42:54,239 push yourself forward. 861 00:42:54,305 --> 00:42:56,107 And, honestly, I suck at it. [laughs] 862 00:42:56,174 --> 00:42:59,277 [mid-tempo music] 863 00:42:59,344 --> 00:43:06,284 * * 864 00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:33,511 [soft guitar notes] 865 00:43:33,578 --> 00:43:39,284 * * 866 00:43:39,350 --> 00:43:41,953 - I grew up in Tennessee in Hixson... 867 00:43:42,020 --> 00:43:43,421 kind of like the country suburb 868 00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:45,323 right outside of Chattanooga. 869 00:43:45,390 --> 00:43:48,259 You know, kind of a conservative place 870 00:43:48,326 --> 00:43:52,463 where gender roles were very...strict. 871 00:43:52,530 --> 00:43:57,836 A lot of the fear that was engrained in me 872 00:43:57,903 --> 00:43:59,470 about just being myself 873 00:43:59,537 --> 00:44:02,507 was from the outside world-- it was not from my family. 874 00:44:02,573 --> 00:44:04,676 I was often told that my interests 875 00:44:04,743 --> 00:44:08,714 were for boys and stuff by teachers and other parents. 876 00:44:08,780 --> 00:44:10,581 Growing up in the '90s, 877 00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,483 you know, there wasn't really anybody on TV 878 00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:14,853 that I thought, "Gosh, you know what? 879 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:16,755 I think I'm kind of like them." 880 00:44:16,822 --> 00:44:18,824 You know, there was no lifeguard at the pool 881 00:44:18,890 --> 00:44:20,425 where I was like, 882 00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:24,095 "Oh, my gosh, that's a cool lesbian and I want her hair." 883 00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:26,865 You know? There was nothing there for me, 884 00:44:26,932 --> 00:44:30,468 so that's where I became really goofy. 885 00:44:30,535 --> 00:44:33,204 If I could make people laugh, they wouldn't make fun of me 886 00:44:33,271 --> 00:44:35,340 or think I was weird. 887 00:44:35,406 --> 00:44:36,975 I wasn't out or didn't know 888 00:44:37,042 --> 00:44:39,310 that really I was queer at all, 889 00:44:39,377 --> 00:44:41,346 but I was... I was weird. 890 00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:44,615 Crap, I don't know when it turns on. 891 00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:48,386 And then when I was about ten, 892 00:44:48,453 --> 00:44:51,656 depression hit pretty hard. 893 00:44:51,723 --> 00:44:55,927 A cousin of mine passed away kind of abruptly 894 00:44:55,994 --> 00:44:57,295 and she was 17. 895 00:44:57,362 --> 00:45:01,366 And from then on, I thought about suicide a lot 896 00:45:01,432 --> 00:45:03,368 and dying young. 897 00:45:03,434 --> 00:45:07,338 And a year--almost probably a year after that 898 00:45:07,405 --> 00:45:10,141 was my first suicide attempt. 899 00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,177 It was no written plan or anything, 900 00:45:12,243 --> 00:45:15,013 but I remember the feeling growing, you know, 901 00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:19,584 and I was outside actually playing tag 902 00:45:19,650 --> 00:45:21,686 with some neighborhood kids at night 903 00:45:21,753 --> 00:45:23,554 and I remember sitting in the driveway 904 00:45:23,621 --> 00:45:25,523 and watching these other teens, you know, 905 00:45:25,590 --> 00:45:28,960 young teens interact and thinking... 906 00:45:29,027 --> 00:45:30,695 "Oh, God. I hate this." 907 00:45:30,762 --> 00:45:32,730 [laughs] Um... 908 00:45:32,798 --> 00:45:34,833 "I don't know who I am. 909 00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:38,269 "I don't know why I feel bad, but...you know what? 910 00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:41,172 It's--I'd like it to stop." 911 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:43,975 That's when I just decided to overdose. 912 00:45:44,042 --> 00:45:46,244 * * 913 00:45:46,311 --> 00:45:48,213 I had my stomach pumped 914 00:45:48,279 --> 00:45:50,115 which, in and of itself, I gotta say 915 00:45:50,181 --> 00:45:51,850 was a pretty traumatic experience. 916 00:45:51,917 --> 00:45:55,553 I remember being kind of flustered. 917 00:45:55,620 --> 00:45:58,023 Not necessarily happy that I was alive 918 00:45:58,089 --> 00:45:59,524 because I felt the same, 919 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:03,128 but I was happy that I was talking to people about it. 920 00:46:03,194 --> 00:46:04,863 That was a huge relief. 921 00:46:04,930 --> 00:46:07,198 And then there were family members that were mad at me 922 00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,234 because...you know, 923 00:46:09,300 --> 00:46:11,769 "How dare you cause this pain 924 00:46:11,837 --> 00:46:15,406 on your family that's so tight-knit," you know? 925 00:46:15,473 --> 00:46:17,475 So I felt ashamed, too. 926 00:46:17,542 --> 00:46:21,046 I felt... I felt selfish. 927 00:46:22,147 --> 00:46:25,951 And I still--I still kind of do when I have these thoughts. 928 00:46:26,017 --> 00:46:29,554 * * 929 00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:33,191 I went into some regular therapy, which was great. 930 00:46:33,258 --> 00:46:34,425 But it took a minute, of course, 931 00:46:34,492 --> 00:46:37,428 to find some good therapists. 932 00:46:37,495 --> 00:46:41,332 I was on medication that did help, but... 933 00:46:41,399 --> 00:46:46,437 therapy and doing a lot of work around my gender identity 934 00:46:46,504 --> 00:46:49,207 that wasn't really addressed... 935 00:46:49,274 --> 00:46:51,977 that needed to happen, and it didn't. 936 00:46:52,043 --> 00:46:54,946 * * 937 00:46:55,013 --> 00:46:58,984 I was still very confused, and I tried to fit in 938 00:46:59,050 --> 00:47:02,787 and trying to act like other girls in high school. 939 00:47:02,854 --> 00:47:06,157 I was grasping for something for a long time. 940 00:47:07,926 --> 00:47:10,929 - Are you a late-in-life gay or an early-in-life gay? 941 00:47:10,996 --> 00:47:12,397 - Are you a baby dyke? 942 00:47:12,463 --> 00:47:13,731 - Are you trying to make up for all the times 943 00:47:13,798 --> 00:47:15,533 you said, "That's so gay" in high school? 944 00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:18,603 - After ten years, I was performing a lot. 945 00:47:18,669 --> 00:47:21,306 Did comedy at night. I was drinking every night. 946 00:47:21,372 --> 00:47:23,508 Being on antidepressants and drinking 947 00:47:23,574 --> 00:47:28,079 is just not a good idea. I did not react well to it. 948 00:47:28,146 --> 00:47:32,884 I had some career upsets and not feeling good about myself. 949 00:47:32,951 --> 00:47:35,386 I was kind of getting to that same headspace 950 00:47:35,453 --> 00:47:37,956 where I was 13 again. 951 00:47:38,023 --> 00:47:39,490 My thoughts were very dark. 952 00:47:39,557 --> 00:47:42,027 I thought about death a lot. 953 00:47:42,093 --> 00:47:43,428 You know, that suicide ideality 954 00:47:43,494 --> 00:47:45,830 kind of slipping back into my brain. 955 00:47:45,897 --> 00:47:49,968 It was--it was so bad that I thought again... 956 00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:51,569 "I might just do this." 957 00:47:51,636 --> 00:47:53,972 But, you know, that little part of me 958 00:47:54,039 --> 00:47:56,341 where my parents really... 959 00:47:56,407 --> 00:47:59,277 you know, were in the back of my head 960 00:47:59,344 --> 00:48:00,845 with how much, you know, they've loved me 961 00:48:00,912 --> 00:48:02,147 throughout the years. 962 00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:04,449 I called my mom and said, "Something's not..." 963 00:48:04,515 --> 00:48:06,251 You know, "Something's not right. 964 00:48:06,317 --> 00:48:09,020 I don't want to be alive." 965 00:48:09,087 --> 00:48:10,821 She said, "You need to come home." 966 00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,023 I wanted help. 967 00:48:12,090 --> 00:48:14,325 I wanted a professional's help, too. 968 00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:17,929 * * 969 00:48:17,996 --> 00:48:20,331 Being in a mental health facility actually taught me 970 00:48:20,398 --> 00:48:22,533 that in these really dark places, 971 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:26,671 when you think that you'd be better off not here... 972 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:29,807 the thoughts that are coming into your head right now 973 00:48:29,874 --> 00:48:32,443 are... 974 00:48:32,510 --> 00:48:34,279 because of certain chemicals in your brain. 975 00:48:34,345 --> 00:48:35,947 They're false. 976 00:48:36,014 --> 00:48:38,183 Because you're sick. 977 00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:41,419 We have places in peoples' lives that we... 978 00:48:41,486 --> 00:48:45,223 we don't realize we fill. 979 00:48:45,290 --> 00:48:47,225 And it... 980 00:48:47,292 --> 00:48:49,827 it's just not the answer for us to disappear. 981 00:48:51,196 --> 00:48:54,099 [soft music] 982 00:48:54,165 --> 00:49:01,306 * * 983 00:49:19,290 --> 00:49:22,193 [lighthearted music] 984 00:49:22,260 --> 00:49:29,400 * * 985 00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:33,904 - I live in Pensacola, Florida currently. 986 00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:35,573 * * 987 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,075 I'm a middle school teacher. 988 00:49:37,142 --> 00:49:40,345 It's a very rewarding job and I love my students. 989 00:49:40,411 --> 00:49:43,581 * * 990 00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:44,415 [laughs] 991 00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:45,916 * * 992 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:49,654 I was the first in my family to attend college. 993 00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:51,722 Both of my parents are immigrants from Jamaica 994 00:49:51,789 --> 00:49:55,660 and they came to America to pursue the American Dream. 995 00:49:57,462 --> 00:49:59,030 Growing up, I had this image 996 00:49:59,097 --> 00:50:02,433 of what college was supposed to be like. 997 00:50:02,500 --> 00:50:05,303 But when I finally got there, it was... 998 00:50:05,370 --> 00:50:08,239 [laughs] it didn't go as planned. 999 00:50:08,306 --> 00:50:10,708 I didn't think about the challenges 1000 00:50:10,775 --> 00:50:13,111 that could come from transitioning 1001 00:50:13,178 --> 00:50:14,879 from high school to college. 1002 00:50:14,945 --> 00:50:17,548 For the first time, I had to pay bills 1003 00:50:17,615 --> 00:50:19,484 like rent and groceries 1004 00:50:19,550 --> 00:50:22,520 and so I kind of had to grow up really fast. 1005 00:50:22,587 --> 00:50:26,791 I was working a full-time job and also a full-time student. 1006 00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:29,727 I started to get really stressed 1007 00:50:29,794 --> 00:50:31,462 and didn't want to go to class. 1008 00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:32,930 I didn't want to go to work. 1009 00:50:32,997 --> 00:50:36,567 My safe space was really just staying in my bed 1010 00:50:36,634 --> 00:50:39,137 all day long with the blinds closed. 1011 00:50:39,204 --> 00:50:42,073 * * 1012 00:50:42,140 --> 00:50:46,010 I couldn't focus, I couldn't articulate my thoughts. 1013 00:50:46,077 --> 00:50:49,447 * * 1014 00:50:49,514 --> 00:50:52,683 Growing up in a Christian household, 1015 00:50:52,750 --> 00:50:54,785 we were pretty much taught 1016 00:50:54,852 --> 00:50:58,055 to bring everything to God in prayer. 1017 00:50:58,123 --> 00:51:01,892 And I was praying harder and I was praying louder 1018 00:51:01,959 --> 00:51:05,996 and the more I prayed, nothing really changed for me. 1019 00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:08,766 The other factor for me as a Black man, 1020 00:51:08,833 --> 00:51:10,968 I was, you know, raised to be able 1021 00:51:11,035 --> 00:51:13,003 to overcome different adversities 1022 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,806 and so I felt like to ask for help 1023 00:51:15,873 --> 00:51:18,309 was a sign that I was incompetent 1024 00:51:18,376 --> 00:51:20,478 or I couldn't figure it out. 1025 00:51:20,545 --> 00:51:22,012 And if I couldn't figure it out, 1026 00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:24,048 then that meant that... 1027 00:51:24,115 --> 00:51:27,218 you know, I don't deserve to call myself a man. 1028 00:51:27,285 --> 00:51:29,154 I wanted to stop the pain, 1029 00:51:29,220 --> 00:51:34,425 and the only option that I thought existed was suicide. 1030 00:51:34,492 --> 00:51:36,427 And I remember I got a phone call 1031 00:51:36,494 --> 00:51:38,663 from a really good friend of mine. 1032 00:51:38,729 --> 00:51:41,499 She's asked me if I was okay 1033 00:51:41,566 --> 00:51:43,401 and before I could even finish, 1034 00:51:43,468 --> 00:51:45,170 she said, "What you're describing, 1035 00:51:45,236 --> 00:51:46,771 "it sounds like depression, 1036 00:51:46,837 --> 00:51:50,775 and if you need help, you can see the counselor on campus." 1037 00:51:50,841 --> 00:51:53,010 I remember I was talking to myself, like, 1038 00:51:53,077 --> 00:51:55,613 "Nah, I don't need, you know, any help, I'm good. 1039 00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:57,215 I don't need to talk to a therapist." 1040 00:51:57,282 --> 00:52:01,051 One day, at some point, I will no longer be depressed. 1041 00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,523 But I had gotten so low, 1042 00:52:05,590 --> 00:52:07,592 finally went to the counseling center 1043 00:52:07,658 --> 00:52:10,161 and sat down in front of a psychiatrist, 1044 00:52:10,228 --> 00:52:13,831 and that's when things really changed for me. 1045 00:52:13,898 --> 00:52:16,601 I kind of liken it to having the flu. 1046 00:52:16,667 --> 00:52:18,803 Like, if I had the symptoms of the flu, 1047 00:52:18,869 --> 00:52:20,971 I wouldn't sit in my room and just pray 1048 00:52:21,038 --> 00:52:22,873 that the flu is gone. 1049 00:52:22,940 --> 00:52:26,211 I would take some medicine or I would go see a doctor. 1050 00:52:26,277 --> 00:52:28,946 * * 1051 00:52:29,013 --> 00:52:31,382 Using medication in the beginning phase 1052 00:52:31,449 --> 00:52:35,886 really helped me to at least engage in therapy. 1053 00:52:35,953 --> 00:52:37,855 Throughout that process, it started to take 1054 00:52:37,922 --> 00:52:40,458 more of a holistic approach, 1055 00:52:40,525 --> 00:52:42,727 utilizing the coping strategies 1056 00:52:42,793 --> 00:52:45,162 that my therapist shared with me. 1057 00:52:46,697 --> 00:52:48,399 Changing my diet. 1058 00:52:48,466 --> 00:52:50,134 I eliminated some things 1059 00:52:50,201 --> 00:52:54,472 that would feed the symptoms of depression that I was having. 1060 00:52:54,539 --> 00:52:57,475 I established different routines. 1061 00:52:57,542 --> 00:53:00,845 I remember the first time my therapist mentioned journaling 1062 00:53:00,911 --> 00:53:02,347 and that I should try it. 1063 00:53:02,413 --> 00:53:04,148 I was like, "Nah. 1064 00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:06,617 "I will never-- what do I look like 1065 00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:09,354 carrying a diary with me as a guy?" 1066 00:53:09,420 --> 00:53:11,956 But as I mentioned, I was so committed to the process 1067 00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:15,092 that if my therapist said it, I'm gonna try it, at least. 1068 00:53:15,159 --> 00:53:17,695 [upbeat music] 1069 00:53:17,762 --> 00:53:19,797 And then things got better. 1070 00:53:21,232 --> 00:53:23,801 I was out of school for about 3 1/2 months 1071 00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:26,404 and every day, I was just thinking about, like, 1072 00:53:26,471 --> 00:53:30,040 how can I do something with this experience? 1073 00:53:30,107 --> 00:53:32,677 And, so, when I went back to school, 1074 00:53:32,743 --> 00:53:34,912 I was on a mission to be an advocate. 1075 00:53:34,979 --> 00:53:38,549 And I was very uncomfortable sharing my story, 1076 00:53:38,616 --> 00:53:41,686 but for me, the mission was greater 1077 00:53:41,752 --> 00:53:43,854 than how uncomfortable I was. 1078 00:53:43,921 --> 00:53:46,624 I am 21, I'm from south Florida, 1079 00:53:46,691 --> 00:53:48,593 and I am a college student at this university 1080 00:53:48,659 --> 00:53:51,128 just like you all. 1081 00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:54,098 * * 1082 00:53:54,164 --> 00:53:55,833 Once I got a little bit more comfortable, 1083 00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:57,968 I started to reach out to different fraternities 1084 00:53:58,035 --> 00:54:01,339 and sororities and student organizations, 1085 00:54:01,406 --> 00:54:04,842 and I noticed that there were a lot of us on campus 1086 00:54:04,909 --> 00:54:07,244 who were going through some of the same struggles, 1087 00:54:07,312 --> 00:54:09,714 but no one was really opening up about it. 1088 00:54:09,780 --> 00:54:11,882 * * 1089 00:54:11,949 --> 00:54:15,052 I think there's this African proverb where it says, 1090 00:54:15,119 --> 00:54:18,423 Like, "You can go fast alone or by yourself, 1091 00:54:18,489 --> 00:54:21,292 but you can go far together." 1092 00:54:21,359 --> 00:54:24,895 And I think that's so true where when you have community, 1093 00:54:24,962 --> 00:54:26,931 you're able to go so much further. 1094 00:54:26,997 --> 00:54:28,899 You're able to do so much more 1095 00:54:28,966 --> 00:54:32,803 because you're not carrying the load all by yourself. 1096 00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:37,174 [soft music] 1097 00:54:37,241 --> 00:54:40,345 * * 1098 00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:43,381 - If you could talk to your younger self right now, 1099 00:54:43,448 --> 00:54:46,083 what would you say? 1100 00:54:46,150 --> 00:54:50,187 * * 1101 00:54:50,254 --> 00:54:52,523 - There's not, like, one big step 1102 00:54:52,590 --> 00:54:54,759 to make it all turn around 1103 00:54:54,825 --> 00:54:56,861 and there's not like probably one piece of advice 1104 00:54:56,927 --> 00:54:59,096 that I could give you besides, like, 1105 00:54:59,163 --> 00:55:01,231 not giving up and keeping at it. 1106 00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:02,533 - You're gonna be okay. 1107 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,835 I know it doesn't seem like it now, trust me. 1108 00:55:04,902 --> 00:55:07,672 I totally understand that 1109 00:55:07,738 --> 00:55:10,975 it may not seem like it now, but... 1110 00:55:11,041 --> 00:55:14,244 you don't have to reach out to people in your life, 1111 00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:15,746 but reach out to someone. 1112 00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:18,649 - Ask for help. Ask for support. 1113 00:55:18,716 --> 00:55:21,419 You're worthwhile. You can do it. 1114 00:55:21,486 --> 00:55:25,956 It won't be easy, but you can push through this. 1115 00:55:26,023 --> 00:55:30,995 - I totally get being alive when you don't want to sucks, 1116 00:55:31,061 --> 00:55:35,766 and being depressed is really hard, but... 1117 00:55:35,833 --> 00:55:39,169 there's no opportunity to change or get better 1118 00:55:39,236 --> 00:55:40,605 if you're not here. 1119 00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:44,542 - Even with the struggle, it's... 1120 00:55:44,609 --> 00:55:48,312 it's worth it because just... 1121 00:55:48,379 --> 00:55:50,815 the fact that I can enjoy life 1122 00:55:50,881 --> 00:55:52,817 is something... 1123 00:55:52,883 --> 00:55:54,585 that I didn't know was possible. 1124 00:55:54,652 --> 00:55:57,455 - Through patience and understanding 1125 00:55:57,522 --> 00:55:59,924 that this will pass, 1126 00:55:59,990 --> 00:56:03,628 that they can experience life on the other side 1127 00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:06,263 of having suicidal thoughts. 1128 00:56:06,330 --> 00:56:11,168 - Open your heart to new things every day... 1129 00:56:11,235 --> 00:56:13,571 and work. Don't stop working. 1130 00:56:13,638 --> 00:56:15,606 - There are--there are... 1131 00:56:15,673 --> 00:56:17,775 trust me, there are people out there 1132 00:56:17,842 --> 00:56:21,612 who are feeling similar to you and... 1133 00:56:21,679 --> 00:56:24,815 you know, I'm one of them. 1134 00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:27,918 You may be feeling things also that you cannot identify 1135 00:56:27,985 --> 00:56:29,987 why you're feeling that way. That's okay. 1136 00:56:30,054 --> 00:56:32,657 It's okay if you don't know why you feel a certain way, 1137 00:56:32,723 --> 00:56:34,525 and I wish somebody had said that to me. 1138 00:56:34,592 --> 00:56:39,497 - I had something that pushed me to keep talking to people. 1139 00:56:39,564 --> 00:56:45,235 And I think that is what served me. 1140 00:56:45,302 --> 00:56:47,337 - * Ooh * 1141 00:56:47,404 --> 00:56:53,077 - * I * 1142 00:56:53,143 --> 00:57:00,350 * I am light, I am light * 1143 00:57:01,218 --> 00:57:08,459 * I am light, I am light * 1144 00:57:09,193 --> 00:57:16,133 * I am light, I am light * 1145 00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:20,070 * I am not the things my family did * 1146 00:57:20,137 --> 00:57:24,074 * I am not the voices in my head * 1147 00:57:24,141 --> 00:57:28,646 * I am not the pieces of the brokenness * 1148 00:57:28,713 --> 00:57:31,716 * Inside * 1149 00:57:31,782 --> 00:57:35,920 - * I am light * 1150 00:57:35,986 --> 00:57:41,492 - * I am light, yeah * 1151 00:57:41,559 --> 00:57:45,362 * I'm not the mistakes that I have made * 1152 00:57:45,429 --> 00:57:49,399 * Or any of the things that cause me pain * 1153 00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:56,607 * I am not the pieces of the dreams I left behind * 1154 00:57:56,674 --> 00:58:02,647 * I am light * 1155 00:58:02,713 --> 00:58:06,784 - * Oh * 1156 00:58:06,851 --> 00:58:14,091 - * I am light, I am light * 1157 00:58:14,825 --> 00:58:21,599 * I am light, I am light * 1158 00:58:21,666 --> 00:58:25,536 * I am not the color of my eyes * 1159 00:58:25,603 --> 00:58:29,506 * I am not the * - * Skin on the outside * 1160 00:58:29,574 --> 00:58:33,177 - * I am not my age * - * I am not my race * 1161 00:58:33,243 --> 00:58:37,181 - * My soul inside * 1162 00:58:37,247 --> 00:58:41,218 - * Is all light * 1163 00:58:41,285 --> 00:58:45,222 - * I am divinity defined * 1164 00:58:45,289 --> 00:58:49,259 * I am a god on the inside * 1165 00:58:49,326 --> 00:58:53,130 * I am a star, a piece of it all * 1166 00:58:53,197 --> 00:58:56,801 * I am light * 1167 00:58:56,867 --> 00:59:02,006 * I am light *