Downloaded from YTS.MX
(percussive rock music)
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- Gimme your water, faggot.
I'm so fucking thirsty.
- Oh my God. - Oh my God.
(students chattering)
- [Student] How big is it?
(laughing)
- [Student] Oh my God, really big.
(students chattering)
- [Student] You know what I'm talking about.
- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do!
(students chattering)
- [Student] It's okay, it's gonna be okay.
- What's up?
- I thought I told you to leave me alone.
(thudding)
Are you for real, are you?
(students chattering)
(books thud)
- [Student] What's up, queer bait?
- Oh, if it isn't Justin and his baby Peterson.
- Ouch. - Blow me, dude.
- Hey, was that Amber that was just walking by
with her fine ass?
- Yeah, me and her, we got a little thing going on.
- Oh, please, you couldn't hit that
with roofies and a guided missile.
- Oh, you're one to talk, Romeo.
- Hey, what do you think about my massage parlor idea?
- I mean, I'm into it, but we still need a ride.
- Yeah, I was planning on asking Roger at lunch.
- That kid is the biggest pussy in our school.
10 bucks says he doesn't do it.
- Bet.
Hey, see you third period?
- All right, sounds good, man.
- You know, raccoons are really filthy animals,
but they make great hats.
Just look at this one.
Can anyone tell me who made this hat famous?
Anyone?
Amber McKay?
- Davy Crockett.
- That's right, the greatest explorer
on the American frontier.
Just like each of you, because, tomorrow,
on our field trip to Kickapoo Mountain,
we're gonna be looking for fossils
and arrowheads and bones and relics,
anything you can find.
- How about finding a clue?
He thinks cosplaying is gonna make this shit interesting?
- Yeah, and, to make matters worse,
tomorrow's gonna be hot as balls.
- [Teacher] Who could beat something like that?
- Speaking of hot.
I'd like to explore for some of her buried treasure.
- [Teacher] I had to get a whole bunch of rabies shots.
- What do you mean?
- And then I got scurvy.
- A massage parlor?
I bet you'd catch more crabs than an Alaskan whore.
- That's what condoms are for, dude.
- Didn't you hear they busted one of those places last week?
It was on the news, the cops locked up everyone.
- Yeah, where do you think I got the idea?
- You guys are straight-up crazy.
- Look, Ryan's dad said this only happens
once every five years.
They raid some unlucky joint just to make it
look like they care about stopping prostitution.
Then it's back to business as usual.
- It's true, man.
When was the last time you heard about a raid like that?
- Yeah, so you in?
- Sorry, I don't need it that bad.
- You know who says that?
Guys who need it the worst.
- 10 bucks, man.
- Better see if Sean can take us.
- Sean, for reals?
Come on, man, I'm not letting that pussy-
- Ah, too late.
Sent. - Great.
(Justin chuckles)
- Have you guys seen Jordan today?
- [Girls] Oh my God!
- He's so cute.
- So, Cindy, what are you wearing
to your party Friday?
- [Cindy] I don't know, I haven't found it yet.
- [Student] What about you, Amber?
- Well, Matt likes red, so you know.
- So you seriously let him influence what you wear?
- Hey, sometimes a girl's gotta sacrifice.
- And how far does the sacrifice go?
Have you guys...
- No!
But we do lots of non-entry stuff.
If I let him get with me too soon,
he may decide there's nothing to keep
him around for the summer.
- Guys are such horndogs.
- Not all guys.
Like Diaz, he's the opposite.
I feel like I'm ready, but he just keeps making excuses.
Maybe... - Don't be ridiculous.
You're beautiful.
- Maybe he has steroid dick.
You know, the one muscle that doesn't benefit.
- Hey, what do you guys think of Ryan?
- Ew, isn't he like best buds
with that perv Justin Peterson?
- [Girls] Ew!
- He's disgusting. - Gross.
- Yeah, but I don't know, I heard he likes me.
- I don't get you, Amber.
Matt is fucking hot, and you're considering Ryan?
- Last time I checked, a girl can still look.
A girl has got to keep her options open, right?
- All I know is, I wouldn't fuck Justin Peterson
with your pussy.
(laughing) - Cindy!
- Did you see Amber's butt in those skinny jeans today?
Aw, man, she bent over and, ooh,
out popped the whale tail.
- What the hell's a whale tail?
- Dude, it's like when the thong is poking out
and it's like a whale tail.
- [Boy] What's up, my niggas?
- Nice one, Sean.
- So I heard there's a couple of pussies
out here looking for a ride.
- Yeah, you got mama's whip?
- Yeah, would your mom blow me for a wooden nickel?
Of course.
- [Justin] Go to the car.
- [Sean] Hold on, I just gotta move some shit.
Got a diaper bag and some baby shit or something.
- Fuck off, nerd. - You don't know us like that.
- What?
Assholes.
(knocking)
- [Ryan] Hey, buddy, can you let us in?
- [Justin] Asshole.
- What, I thought you guys were too cool.
- Dude, Pam Blake and Tammy Powers were right there.
What did you want us to do?
- Yeah, this car is like kryptonite to all poontang.
- Man, did they see me get in?
- Yeah, probably.
- Shit, why didn't you guys say anything?
- Oh, like you had a chance anyway.
Just drive.
- All right, so who am I dropping off first?
- Who said anything about going home?
- My mom, for one, I mean...
- See, here we are.
This is what I was telling you about, the back pages.
Oh, see, look, they got tantric massage.
That's Kama Sutra type stuff, you know?
Me love you long time.
Oh, and here's some shiatsu.
I'm pretty sure that's like doggy style, right?
- You retard, you're thinking of Shih Tzu.
- [Sean] What are you guys looking at?
- God, massage, dumb ass!
What, are you trying to get us killed?
- Jesus, seriously, man,
pay attention. - Fuck.
- [Ryan] All right, what about this one up here?
- [Justin] $95, what, are they giving me a free phone, too?
- Wait, massage, are you guys high?
I just heard on the news, they raided one of those places.
- All right, this one over here.
There's no price, maybe 95 is cheap.
- Nah, nah, I saw this on the Internet,
chicks giving it up for like 50 bucks.
- Where are we going?
- Take us here, this one.
Take us to 8107 Wheeler Avenue.
- That's like way across town.
My mom needs the car.
- Oh, stop being a wuss.
Mommy will understand.
- Well, your dad will, anyways.
- [Justin] (chuckles) Bet.
- Just drive, faggot.
- What the hell, this doesn't look like anything.
- Yeah, well, maybe that's the point.
- It says Suite 300-A.
- Maybe someone should stay guard outside.
- Stay guard for what?
We're not bank robbers, I just wanna get my dick sucked.
- Wait, wait, shithead, how's this gonna work?
What are we supposed to say?
- Just ask for the special.
- What's the special?
- Does it matter?
It's not like they're accidentally
gonna give us an oil change instead of a blowjob
if we ask for the special.
- Shit, man, I don't have any cash, just my credit cards.
- Just use that.
- You explain to mom a massage parlor bill
on her statement.
- He makes a good point.
- All right, well, just wait for us in the lobby.
We'll get you next time.
Just don't fucking leave us here, okay?
- Okay.
- Can I help you?
- [Justin] We're here for the...
- We're here for the special.
- Yeah.
- You been here before?
- Yeah. - Yeah!
Yeah, lots of times.
- Yeah.
- $65, each one, you pay now.
- See, told you, 95 my ass.
(soft Asian music)
- Oh, I'm good, I already got a massage.
From my mom.
(soft Asian music)
Not any fucking porn?
- You pick girl now.
- Hi, I'm Ryan.
- Hi, I'm Walter.
You.
(woman sighs)
(soft Asian music)
- Ryan? - Oh, no,
it's actually Brian with a B.
- [Sean] Do you take credit cards?
(soft Asian music)
- So, just like this?
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
You wanna look me in the eyes?
I don't know.
What?
I'm pretty sure this was not in the ad.
- Welcome.
(soft Asian music)
- To the special.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
(woman speaking foreign language)
(soft Asian music)
- [Sean] Holy shit!
- Cannot speak English!
She ask you, $100 full service!
1-0-0.
- Oh, okay.
- You say you been here before!
- I paid 65, so I'm not going to pay any more.
(woman speaking foreign language)
- Bullshit!
(screaming)
- Raid, dude, it's a fucking raid!
(chattering in foreign language)
- Hey, hey, hey, cops, hold it!
(shouting)
- [Justine] Go, go, go, go, go!
(shouting)
Is he coming?
- I don't think so, man.
(siren wails)
Shit, dude, where the fuck is Sean?
- Are you shitting me?
Aw, dude.
Come on, let's get out.
- How could that happen?
- I don't know, dude, I was horny and distracted.
- You know what the cops are gonna do if they find that?
- Fuck!
- All right, relax, relax.
What was in it?
- My school ID, my library card,
like another 50 bucks.
- Dude, damn.
Sean!
Where the fuck where you, asshole?
You know the place got raided?
- Yeah, yeah, imagine that.
Hey, check this out.
- Jesus Christ, dude.
- [Sean] Yep.
- That's got to be like 1000 bucks.
- Hey, look with your eyes, not your hands.
- What'd you do?
- Well, I took it.
Found it and just took it.
Pretty gangster, huh?
- Dude, I'm impressed, that's awesome.
- [Justin] You better give us out 65 bucks back.
You fucking better!
Fuck!
- The bitch stole his wallet, man.
Let's get outta here.
(van revs)
Nah, man, I'm sure if they found it,
they would've called your parents by now.
- [Woman] I do not want to hear anymore about
how I don't pay you enough attention!
- [Man] Well, you don't!
This cable gets laid more than me!
When was the last time you weren't too tired?
- Nah, dude, it's my parents.
I can't hear you.
I'm gonna call you back, though, all right?
All right, bye. - Will you keep it down
for Christ's sake?
Your son is in... - You're the one
who needs to keep it down!
A man needs to sow his oats
more than once every six months!
(pounding thrash metal)
- Get out there!
We're gonna kill Western this year.
- Western is dead!
- It's already to go!
- Yeah!
- Come here, wall fag.
You know what time it is?
Flight 269 cleared for takeoff.
Get the fuck off. - I'm outta here.
- What?
- Move over, faggots.
- [Sean] Ow!
- [Bully] Time to break this!
(laughing)
(Sean groans)
Looks really good faggot.
Cry home to your mother.
(Sean groans)
(shouting) (groaning)
- Come on, bitch.
It's time for your big entrance.
- Come on, you pompous fag.
Let everyone see your tighty whities.
- No, I don't wanna do this!
- Guess where we're going?
- Why do you?
Oh, no!
- [Bully] Outside, faggot.
Outside, bitch.
(laughing) (chattering)
- [Student] Poor Sean, are you okay?
(laughing) (chattering)
- I got your shorts, man.
- Thanks.
Excuse me while I go commit suicide.
- [Student] Take pictures!
- [Ryan] Is your ass okay?
- [Student] Oh my God.
- [Student] What?
- Hey, Ryan, how was school?
- It sucked.
- Ryan!
- What, Mom, you want me to lie?
We had to play football in PE today.
It was embarrassing.
- Oh yeah?
Meet any hot babes?
- Just the cheerleaders.
- Cheerleaders.
Let me tell you about that.
You think you want girls,
and, before you know it, you're 45,
you're balding, maybe you put on a pound or two,
and your dearly beloved wife of 20 years
won't give you the time of day.
- And your point is, Bill?
- Well, I remember when you were a cheerleader.
- Oh, back when you were in shape?
Now look at you.
- I'm just saying, a lot of young ladies
would be very interested in me.
- Dad, Mom!
Are you kidding me?
- Do your homework, young man!
And clean that filthy rodent cage!
Ryan!
Ryan, can you come down for a minute?
Ryan!
- Yeah?
- Your permission slip, the field trip tomorrow.
- That's right, I almost forgot.
Dad, I saw on the news last night
that the massage parlor got raided again.
I thought you said that only happens
like once every five years.
- Yeah, well, I've been wrong before.
It's terrible news, though.
Now where am I gonna go to get my weekly coochie?
- That's not funny!
- It's a joke, El, at least an attempt at one.
- You can go wherever you want.
No one would have you,
and I won't be here when you get back.
- Dad.
- [Dad] Yeah, Ryan?
- Never mind.
(bus rumbles)
- All right, we're going on a trip to Kickapoo Mountain.
Gonna see lots of cliffs and water and waterfalls.
Hey, you boys aren't playing for money, are you?
- [Boy] No.
- No, not at all. - Okay, all right.
All right, we're gonna see the mountain,
we're gonna see the river and some waterfalls
and lots of (speaker drowned out by bus).
We're going to see waterfalls
and bugs and bears (speaker cut off by squeaking).
(laughing)
And then we're gonna see where Daniel Boone
paddled his canoe down the river
and Pike wrestled a bear.
(laughing)
All right, we're here.
Everybody out, leave your lunches on the bus.
- Dude, Amber's all alone.
You should go talk to her.
- What am I gonna say?
Hey, Amber, I'm the retard who you want nothing to do with,
but will you have sex with me?
Is that good?
- That's not bad.
Or you could go give her a compliment or something.
God, just watch me, all right?
- Excuse you.
- That was good, that was really smooth.
I thought you had her.
(water roars)
(students chattering)
- [Teacher] Wow, getting a little bit violent over there.
- I know!
- [Ryan] You find anything?
- Yeah, I found out how much my balls
can sweat in 30 minutes.
- This sucks! - This sucks!
It sucks. - Man, this shit sucks.
- [Justin] What is that?
Should we go talk to Rosenbaum?
- [Ryan] Yeah, where is he?
- How the fuck would I know?
- Hey, Mr. Rosenbaum, you ever see one of these before?
- [Mr. Rosenbaum] Looks like a small fetish of some kind.
- A fetish, like into feet or bukkake or something?
- Don't be stupid, Justin.
It's a name given to small carvings like this
by Native American peoples.
They believe it harnesses the power of nature.
Nice find, Wilson.
- Thanks.
(water hisses)
- [Justin] Ah, God.
- [Cindy] Hey, Brian, what's going on?
- It's Ryan, actually.
- Hi, Ryan, you have something on your face there.
- Um, what?
Yeah, totally.
- [Girl] Oh, poor thing.
Dust him and he gets so cute.
- [Amber] Why don't you come sit with me?
- With me.
- I mean, ladies, we can just all go up
and sit together, right?
Yeah, that's fine, okay.
- Oh my God, Ryan, you are so funny!
- I try really hard.
- Oh, you have sweat dripping
from your forehead right there.
- [Cindy] All that digging.
- [Amber] You mind if I, you know, wash you
off a little later, hmm?
- [Ryan] I don't mind at all, no.
- [Amber] Okay.
- Yeah, I'm telling you, man, it was crazy.
It was like a feeding frenzy.
Sydney Tollover even grabbed it.
- Grabbed what?
- It, you retard.
- She grabbed your Justin Peterson on the bus?
- Dude, all I know is that they wanted it, all right?
Goddamn, Amber smelled so good!
Ah, shit.
- Hey, what up, Ryan?
- What's up, Matt?
- So, what do you think you're doing with Amber today, huh?
You know, my Amber?
- Yeah, faggot. - Wait, your Amber?
Like, you got a receipt for that shit?
- Back the fuck up.
- Dude, what the hell, all right?
She came on to me, I didn't do anything.
- All right, well, maybe next time,
you should play a little harder to get.
- Yeah, well, maybe Amber
finally got herself a little class.
- Yeah, class. - Got herself some class, huh?
(grunting)
- Stay down like how your dad likes it.
- Fuck face!
- [Diaz] Dumb asshole.
- [Justin] Dude, you all right?
- Yeah, yeah. - I had your back.
I mean, from like over there,
but, like, you got his back? - Yeah.
- [Ryan] Fuck those guys, man.
- [Justin] The car is that way.
- So how was the field trip today?
- It was all right, I guess.
Beats being at school.
- Find anything interesting?
- Actually, yeah.
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Say, that's pretty neat!
Looks like a little rabbit or something.
- [Ryan] You like it, it's yours.
- You don't want it?
- Hell no, it's just an old rock.
- Suit yourself.
Thanks!
You know, there was a time when you
used to kiss me goodbye.
- That ship sailed a long time ago.
- You see that, Ryan?
That's a former cheerleader talking.
- Maybe there's nothing worth kissing any more anyway.
Oh, you're still here.
Ryan, I.
- Sir, excuse me, sir, you forgot your receipt.
- Oh, thanks very much.
- And my number.
Call me.
Okay?
(phone rings)
- Hello?
Who is this?
Oh, well, you'll have to hold on.
Just hold on a minute.
Bill, it's for you.
Tom Riley from golf.
- Hello.
Tom, yes.
There must be some misunderstanding.
Yeah, but that's not the way it happened.
I swear to you, your Lindsey was hitting on me.
Of course I know she's 17!
I don't think of your daughter that way.
I never said two words to her.
I'm telling you for the last time, talk to her!
She came on to me.
I didn't do anything!
- He didn't do anything.
- That's right.
Now, goodnight.
- I'm telling you, it's the rock.
I mean, seriously, that's gotta be the reason
why those girls got all sexed up with me
on the bus yesterday.
- Bullshit.
You're so fucking dumb. - You're an idiot, man.
- No, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding.
My dad's golf partner won't even talk
to him anymore because, all of a sudden,
his daughter wants to fuck my dad
right after I gave him the rock.
- Gotta admit, that's pretty wack.
- You think it has some sort of Spanish fly powers
or something?
- I mean, yeah, something like that.
You know, it's definitely more than just a rock.
- I mean, there's only one way to make sure
it works like you say it does.
- Yeah, no, we gotta test it.
- Yeah, like now.
So give it!
- My dad still has it.
- Well, you gotta get it back!
- Yeah, I know, but I don't wanna get him suspicious.
I gotta wait for the right opportunity to swipe it.
- Hey, man, we'll go to the library
and try to figure out what it is.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna grab it,
and then we'll meet up later.
- Wait, we'll go to the library?
- Come on, man, it'll be nice.
Just me and you browsing. - I'm so fucking lucky
you're my ride home.
Dude, you have no idea how many cool points
I'm losing being seen at a library.
- Dude, you are so stupid.
A condition, which studies show,
is linked to low library patronage.
- Yeah, so is nerdism.
- That's not even a word, man.
- Shut up, Sean! - You can't just add
"ism" to a word. - Let's just find a computer.
- [Sean] All right, all right, all right, all right.
So just look up Native American.
Okay, just Native American. - I got it.
- Stones, rocks. - How about this one?
- Hi, welcome to my wild world of fantasy.
- Wild world of fantasy, Sean.
- What is this? - I absolutely love to play.
- She loves to play. - I enjoy all sorts
of kinky fetish fun.
- Kinky fetish fun, Sean.
- It's too loud. - You sick, sick bastard!
- [Sean] Just turn it down.
I don't want people looking at it.
- There's no one here. - Sometimes, I like to spank
bad little boys. - Keep that guy,
those guys waiting?
- After all, you need to be punished
when you've been naughty.
- [Justin] Punished.
- I'm talking to you, Uncle Frank!
- [Sean] All right, navigate away.
People might be monitoring user activity or something.
- [Justin] Really?
- Yeah. - They don't monitor
that shit, who has the time?
- [Sean] I don't know,
just navigate away. - Hi, guys.
- [Fetish Girl] I know exactly what you need.
- Hey, Cindy. - I'll restrain you
and make you crawl on your hands and knees
and clean my toilet with your tongue.
And, after that... - Disgusting!
- [Fetish Girl] I'll drain you of your nasty
man juice. - Station Two.
- [Fetish Girl] And feed it to you
like the pig that you are!
- Can I use your computer to print something.
- Well, you'll have to ask Sean.
He's the one using it.
- [Sean] Nah.
- Station Two, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
- Yeah, get a life, perv.
Am I right? - Would you like me
to paddle your little bottom for you?
- We cannot have public access computers
used to view pornographic content!
- [Fetish Girl] Well, you can forget about it,
you sick bastard!
- Fucking never mind.
- And this is also a no swear zone.
Now beat it, Mister.
- [Fetish Girl] And I'll put these toes in your face
and give you all this athlete's foot, actually.
- Ew, what the hell? - God!
- [Fetish Girl] You like that?
- Video game broken?
- What, a guy can't just hang out with his dad
and watch the news?
- You kidding me?
This is great!
Tell you what, you want a beer?
- Fuck, yeah, sure.
- Get one for me, too, would you?
Well, I'm gonna take a shower.
No more beer for you.
- All right.
(shower hisses)
- Ooh, Lindsey.
Oh, holy fuck! - I didn't see anything!
So, you guys ready for this?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
(funky instrumental music)
Dude, can you fucking believe it?
- [Amber] Ooh, hi, Brian.
- Amber.
- I was wondering what you were doing after school?
Maybe you and I could, um?
Oh, so, like I was saying,
maybe you and I could go out after school.
- And me.
I'm having a party this Friday,
if you wanna come.
- Excuse me, ladies.
You, I need a word with you.
Grab him, boys.
- Hey.
Stop!
What are you doing?
Let go of me!
Hands, get your hands out of my pants!
(funky rock music)
- And so, class, tonight's assignment
is to read any short story by any author
of the Romantic period.
Katie, darling, where do you think you're going?
- I was just gonna change my seat
somewhere in the back.
- No, you'll sit in your assigned seat.
- Hey, stop! - Move!
- Girls! - Stop!
- He's mine! - Hey, stop!
- Stop! - What are you doing?
- Katie, go, go to the principal's office right now!
- Get outta here! - Stop!
- What's going on? - Katie, no!
- Girls, stop it! - Get off of him!
- Stop it, Gina.
Go to the principal's office
right now. - Yeah, go to
the principal's office. - He's mine!
- You, too.
Come on, get out.
- I didn't do anything.
- What's that you've got, Mr. Wilson?
- Oh, it's nothing.
It's my good luck charm.
- Well, whatever it is, it has nothing
to do with English literature.
- It's got something to do with the Romantic period.
- Now, you may have it back after class
or later in detention, if you'd rather.
(percussive instrumental music)
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
(record scratches)
What's going on here?
(bell rings)
(percussive instrumental music)
- Miss Sumner, I've been bad.
Can I have detention?
- Boys, go on.
You're gonna be late for your next period.
Go on, go, go, go.
- Miss Sumner, you are so fucking beautiful.
- Thank you, Art.
Thank you, go on.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, boys, go.
(percussive instrumental music)
Next time, leave your toys at home.
- Yes, ma'am.
(record scratches)
- Dude!
Try it.
- No way, man.
- Well, here, give it, I'll try.
- Yes, Mr. Peterson?
- Miss Sumner, I was wondering, do you like me?
- Well, certainly, Justin.
I like all my students.
- Good, 'cause I just wanted to know if.
- Wait til I talk to your mother
about that filthy mouth of yours!
- [Justin] Didn't work at all.
- So, you're sure you haven't seen him, man?
- Yeah, dude, not since fifth period English.
- Guys. - Oh my God!
- Dude, where have you been, man?
- I'm trying to get away from these girls, man.
If I'm not careful, they'll be all over me.
You know, it kinda sucks being hot.
- Yeah, don't forget it's just because
of what's in your pocket.
You are still a loser.
- Yeah, man.
- And it doesn't even work right.
- Are you kidding me?
Did you not see Sumner today?
She was off the chain hot.
- Sumner, from the English department?
Are you high, man?
- [Ryan] You didn't tell him?
- Nope. - Dude, Sumner got a hold
of the rock today and she turned
into like the phattest hottie I've ever seen.
- Shit, man, if only I was dumb like you guys
and wasn't in AP, we could have the same classes.
- Gee, no offense, asshole.
And, anyway, how come when I had the rock
and I talked to Sumner, she went all
Jerry Springer on me?
- I can't figure that one out.
- You hit on Sumner?
- Maybe she's like a tranny or something.
I've seen some pictures where you can hardly tell
if they have... - Dude, shut the fuck up.
No way, dude, all right, listen,
it's very obvious that we need to do
some more tests on this.
All right, can you guys skip next period?
- Dude, for this, I would skip college.
- All right, all right, Sean, go get your car.
- Wait, why?
- Don't ask fucking questions,
just go get your car.
- Okay. - Shit, girls, girls, come on!
- I'll get my car, meet me at the corner.
All right, where are we going?
- To your house.
- What, that's the last place I wanna go
when we're skipping school.
- Yeah, I know, I just wanna try
this thing out on your mom.
- What, no way you and that rock
are going anywhere near my mom!
- Jesus, take it easy, psycho, all right?
I just wanna see if someone like your mom,
like a Sumner, doesn't get the hots for me.
That might tell us something.
- Yeah, it'll mean she's not into stupid fags.
- Oh, come on, Sean, it's not about him banging your mom.
Is it?
- Of course not, dude.
Sean's mom is a cow, not a cougar.
- Take it back, say you're sorry and take it back
or get out of my car and we're not friends anymore.
- Jesus, dude, don't be so sensitive.
- Say you're sorry.
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.
We can go somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry your mom is a cow.
(Justin moos)
(laughing)
- So, what are we doing at the mall?
Only the skeezers hang out here.
- He's got a plan obviously.
- Yeah, what?
- Just a plan, shut the fuck up.
All right, so what's this plan of yours, genius?
- It'll all make sense in a minute.
Just keep your eyes peeled.
- For what? - For what?
- You'll see.
- I see a mall.
- There she is.
- What, all I see is Sally Beasley.
- Easy Beasley, I get it now.
- Yep, yep.
I'm thinking the rock only works on virgins.
- Oh, yeah, you idiots, Sally Beasley's
slept with like half our class already.
- I think the point is to prove it won't work.
- Yeah.
- There she is.
Hey, Easy, uh, Sally.
How you doing? - I know you?
- We go to school together, Ryan Wilson.
- Right, right.
- I was just wondering if you're feeling what I'm feeling.
- Like that stomach flu thing going around?
- No, not the stomach flu thing.
- You must be Billy Godfried's brother.
- No.
- Yeah, you are.
I'd recognize that bone structure anywhere.
Only, you're even cuter.
(Sean chuckles)
- I think we've learned all we need to know, guys.
- Let's go. - Thanks a lot, Sally.
- Come on. - Whatever, you guys
are weird.
- Dude, can you believe this?
I mean, holy shit!
- I know, man, Sally likes me.
- No, ass clown, fucking virgins!
- Hey, Ryan, didn't you say before
when Sumner got the stone
that you said she looked hot.
- Yeah, well, why are you bringing that up?
- Well, I mean, you said before
that while you were on vacation
you bagged no fewer than two hotties.
- You guys know I've always had a thing for Sumner.
I mean, I always thought she was really sexy,
like kind of like a TILF.
- Try a GILF, maybe, virgin.
- Whatever, dickwad.
(chuckling)
The point is it was no different for me
yesterday with Sumner.
Why, did you think she was hot just because of the stone,
you fucking virgin?
- Hey, first off, this is about you, Wilson,
and, second off, you all know I had
Nancy Mullin upstairs at that party
last year on Halloween.
Oh my God.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
Fuck!
Justin Peterson!
I thought you were Mike!
- No shit?
He's a skeleton, too.
- So fucking gross!
- I can be Mike!
Mike's a dick!
- Yeah, conveniently on the night she left town,
so we could never confirm the hit.
- Awm, whatever, you know she was digging on my boner.
- Yeah, whatever.
Jesus. - Well, wait, anyway,
what are you talking about, virgin?
- Oh yeah, don't bother with him.
He's not gonna understand.
- Hey, son.
- Hey.
- How was school today?
And don't say it sucked.
- It was okay.
Are you guys okay?
- Everything's good, real good.
- All right, I'm gonna be in my room.
Yeah, man, I'm sitting down, what's up?
- So where would you find the highest concentration
of virgins this side of the known universe.
- I don't know, sitting right behind your computer?
- Ha, very funny, no.
Remember that girl that I challenged
to that hot dog eating contest in my pants?
The one who slapped me?
- (chuckles) Yeah, dude, that was hilarious.
Then you...
- Yeah, where did she go to school?
Yeah, remember, we stopped her that one time?
- Yeah, yeah, I remember.
It was like Saint something.
- Saint Agnes Catholic School
for Girls! - For Girls!
- Hi. - Hey.
- So where's your new boyfriends,
Ryan and that dork with the glasses?
- I haven't seen them.
- Tell you what, if you ever, ever
embarrass me like that again!
- Ow, you're hurting me.
- No, you're only hurting yourself.
- What are you looking at?
(deep organ music)
- Oh, here we go, here we go.
- Where did you guys find this place?
- Sure as hell didn't find it in a fucking library.
- Oh, this is gonna be fun.
- Let's do this.
(tense instrumental music)
- Shit, man, they've got security.
- Well, if you were interested in preserving
the hymens of 500 girls, wouldn't you...
- Shut up.
Oh, shit, let's go.
- Okay.
(tense instrumental music)
- [Girl] Do something, come on!
(girls shouting)
- [Girl] Oh my gosh.
You're so mean.
(girls chattering)
- [Girl] You suck.
(girls chattering)
- [Girl] Come on, really?
(magical instrumental music)
- [Girl] Ow, my face!
- See, you have to pay attention.
Your enemies are all around you.
They try and get things from you.
They want your goodies, and you must
always protect yourselves, ladies, at all times.
(tense instrumental music)
Okay, ladies, remember, it's about winning.
- Gimme the rock.
- No. - Come on, gimme the rock!
Give me the rock!
- And to be sure that no one, no one,
gets your goodies.
- Hi there.
- [Justin] Hi, I've come for you.
- You lucky bastard.
- Why'd you give him the rock, man?
- Can you believe this?
- Allow me!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
(gasping)
Sorry, forgot, Catholic school.
- I'll come back for you. - Run, dude!
- [Justin] Go, go, go!
- Two JP's loose, on the run, copy!
- JP's?
- Juvenile perverts!
(exciting instrumental music)
- That was way too close, dude.
How'd you get away?
- I punched him, man.
- Punched him? - Yeah.
- Dude!
(toilet flushes)
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, please, please don't scream.
(girl screams)
(exciting instrumental music)
- Hey, how are you?
Yeah, I'm good.
So are we still on for dinner tonight?
Oh, why is that?
- Hey.
- Hi. - How are you?
- I'm good, how are you?
Fuck, call me!
(exciting instrumental music)
- Been looking for them for 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes, you mean we lost them?
- Yeah, or else we scared them off.
- Man.
- [Justin] Ow!
- What the?
- I can explain.
(laughing)
- Shit, man, where's Justin?
- I don't know, dude, he's trapped behind enemy lines.
- He's fucked.
- Let's get outta here.
- You mean you have no library card,
no ID, no nothing?
- No, I lost it all at Mass.
- I'm going out to look for the others.
- Good idea.
- Jim, I think we can handle it from here.
Why don't you go ahead with Dwayne?
- Well, he's not armed, but.
- Jim, please, God will protect us.
- Okay, Sister, you're the boss.
- Look, sisters, I know,
I'm a really good kid, it's just, I don't.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Oh, my blessed son,
my hot, hot son!
- [Justin] Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Sister Pat, I can't believe you,
acting like a whore of Babylon.
- Don't you sister me, Sister!
I saw you and that pornographic tongue of yours.
- Okay, so where are you now?
Are you okay, dude?
You sound a little weird.
Okay, okay, bye.
- So what's the dealio, man?
- Dude, he got away.
- Thank God.
- I will, turn this piece of shit around.
All right, so you at least saved the rock, right?
- Yeah, here.
I'd rather have nothing to do with it right now.
- Dude, what's wrong with him?
Maybe we should take him to the hospital or something.
- No, dude, that's just gonna freak him out,
and don't call his parents.
Just shut the fuck up.
- Are you sure you can't remember
anything after the guards left the room, man?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
I can't believe we cut all day of school,
we're sober, and we struck out.
- Dude, you gotta look at it this way.
We still have a magic rock that can
get us laid whenever we want.
- Yeah, all it's gotten me so far is punched in the face.
- Man, I'm like scarred for life.
- That's it, dude, what happened back there?
- I said I don't wanna talk about it.
- All right.
- The point is, we've had that rock
for like three days, and we haven't done dick with it.
- Yeah, he's right, man, you never even let me touch it.
- That's what she said.
- Cut the jokes, Wilson.
We just wanna get laid,
like any guys in our position would.
- All right, the Catholic school thing was your idea.
- That's not the point.
The point is I've never gotten laid ever, all right?
There, I said it.
And society puts a lot of pressure on a guy like me,
who won't feel normal until he earns the right
to say, sure, I had sex, so what?
- There's always Cindy's party tonight.
We sort of got invited.
I say we get in there and tap
some hot cheerleader ass before the magic is gone.
- Now he is speaking my language.
- All right, all right, all right,
I'm gonna bring the rock tonight.
Are you happy?
I don't see how this is my fault, though.
- Woo!
- [Ryan] Dad!
- [Bill] Yeah, Ryan?
- Nothing, never mind.
Penicillin.
Rabies, who has rabies?
Scurvy?
What is he, a pirate?
Jackpot!
(pills clatter)
Nom don't come in, I'm not decent!
- Got a minute?
- Yeah, sure.
- Before you go out to wherever you're gonna go tonight,
I wanted to talk to you about your mom and me.
I guess you figured out by now
that the tension's pretty thick around here.
- Yeah, a little bit.
- This is the part of the conversation
where the Dad manual says I'm supposed to tell
you how everything's gonna be all right
and how you shouldn't worry.
But you're not a kid anymore.
You deserve better than that.
The truth is, your mom and me,
we've been talking, and, well,
I just don't know how it's gonna turn out.
- But you still love her, right?
- Yeah, yeah, of course, I love her, I love your mom.
Your mom is a wonderful woman.
She's a beautiful woman.
I probably should've told her that
more often than I did.
But this marriage, it's like the old song,
the thrill is gone.
Listen, no matter what happens,
you know that your mom and I both,
we love you very much.
- Yeah, sure, Dad.
- All right.
- Thanks for being so straight with me, Dad.
- Any time, buddy.
Ryan, your mom is right,
that guinea pig cage,
this room does smell like pee.
- All right, I think we're good.
Ready?
- What's with all the sneaking around?
- If you must know, I got grounded
for what I said to Sumner.
- What exactly did you say to her?
- I asked her if she wanted to go down on me
and suck my dick and finger my butthole, okay?
- (chuckles) Jesus, dude.
- Yeah, I mean, I've always wanted it done, so.
- With Sumner?
- Ah, no, dude, like in general.
- All right, that's what I thought,
because that bitch has big hands.
- [Justin] Look at this guy.
- [Ryan] What are you doing, shitass?
- [Justin] Yeah, get off that car.
You're gonna scratch it.
- [Ryan] Where's your van?
- This is my car.
(Justin laughs)
- Bullshit. - Yeah, okay.
- Bullshit. - You got a bunch
of keys, but that doesn't mean you're...
- Just get in.
- [Ryan] What the fuck, where'd you get this?
- You remember the money I got from the massage parlor?
- No way, dude. - Yeah.
- Oh, so you can go out and buy a car
and you can't give me $65?
- [Sean] Come on, man, let's go.
- Fucking asshole, dude.
Just, let's go.
Hold on. (laughing)
(roof buzzes)
- That is so sexy.
Damn, dude.
I'm jealous.
- How are we not gonna get laid in this thing?
- We will get laid in this thing.
- Anyways, anyways, who's got something to drink,
'cause I got nothing, and I need something, please.
- Well, I got these wine coolers.
My mom used to drink them before my dad left.
- Well, maybe that's why he left.
(Ryan chuckles)
- [Sean] Dude, dude, don't get it all over my car, man.
Well, what do you have?
- I got pills!
I think they're prescription.
- Prescription? - Yeah.
- Here, hold this.
- Dude.
Yeah. - What is this
brown stuff in here?
- It's hedgehog shit, but.
- Oh! - Dude, what?
- It's not even that important.
Let's just dig in.
That's pussy shit. - How is it?
- That is pussy shit. - Okay, man.
Well, no one wants your little shit medicine.
(laughing)
How's that taste?
Terrible?
(heavy metal music)
- Are we good?
What the fuck are you doing?
- Dancing, man, what does it look like?
- It looks like you're having a goddamn seizure
is what it looks like.
- Okay, okay, man, just give me the rock
so I can get some cock.
- Did he just say what I think he said?
- I mean so I can give her some cock.
- All right, that's what I thought.
All right, you're gonna go in there,
you're gonna find the first girl you want, all right?
Otherwise, you're gonna have honeys all over you.
- Right. - You wanna be careful,
otherwise, we're gonna score a big fat zero on this.
You got it? - I got it.
- All right.
What the fuck are you doing?
- It's cologne, man, I wanna smell nice for the ladies.
- Would you just get your ass in there, all right?
And make sure you come back
as soon as you're done taking care of business
so we can have a turn. - Okay.
- If you so much as look at Amber, I'll fucking kill you.
You got it?
- Okay, man, does my hair look good?
- It looks terrible.
- What the fuck does it matter?
It's a sure goddamned thing.
Get your ass in there already!
- Okay, man, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- [Sean] Yeah!
- He is so fucked.
- [Sean] Woo!
- Which means we're fucked.
- Why the fuck did we give him the rock in the first place?
We just screwed ourselves!
Oh my fucking God, dude!
- I have some drinks downstairs if you wanna go grab some.
I'll be right there.
Hey, wait!
- [Boy] Who the fuck was that?
- Some wieners.
- Hey, Sean, right?
- Yeah, Tammy from geometry.
- Yeah, did you just get here?
- Uh, uh... - Huh?
Are you okay?
You disgusting creep!
- Wait a minute, you're not a virgin?
- I never!
(Sean groans)
What business is it of yours anyways?
You have a lot of nerve, asshole.
And if you ever tell anyone about me fucking
Matt Waite at the carnival, I'll fucking kill you.
- Bitches be crazy, right?
(funky rock music)
- Hey, handsome.
- Oh, hey, Sally.
You here with someone?
- I'm here with you.
You know, there's a back room with a sofa.
- Are you drunk, 'cause I could...
- No, follow me.
Is this okay?
- Oh, yeah, it's nice.
Do you come here a lot?
- Hmm?
- Have you been here before?
Uh, uh, Sally, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- You've done this, I've never done this before.
So why me?
- You seem nice.
The opposite of most guys I've been with.
It turns out, most guys really are pigs.
- I'm not a pig, am I?
- If you're asking the question
because you think that you might be one,
it means you have a conscience
and, therefore, no, you definitely are not a pig.
- That's good to know.
- What do you think, who do you think he's doing in there?
- I don't know, man.
I swear to God, if he loses that rock
or gets caught or something!
- Dude, you're freaking out, right, man?
Chill, it'll be all right.
- It shouldn't take him more than 10 seconds.
He should be out here by now.
- Maybe he's doubling up.
- All right, it's 10:40, I'm going in.
- Let's do this!
(chattering)
- One more time, one more time.
(chattering)
- You suck!
(shouting)
- Oh, way to like spill it on my back.
- I bet you like that, huh?
(shouting)
- Miss!
(chattering)
- You can do it, let's go!
- I got it.
(shouting)
- I am so fucking twisted.
This stuff is so amazing.
- It is.
Save some for me. - Okay.
- Finish your game now, faggot.
- What the fuck?
- I can't believe she's not here yet.
- I know, can you believe what she did with him?
Homewrecker.
- [Girl] Oh, hi, guys.
(chattering)
- Sorry about that! - Okay.
And I'm drunk.
- Where'd you get that ball?
- Man, I took it from the fucking pool table.
It's a shitty sport.
- Come on, come on, make this shot.
- All right, bitch. - I got this, I got this.
- All right, move it.
(chattering)
Drunk bitch.
My quarter now.
- Hey, we need a replacement.
Anybody?
Hey!
Justin. - Faggot.
- Come on. - Me?
- [Matt] Come on, Peterson, are you a pussy?
- Oh, fuck that, let's do this, come on.
- Come on.
All right.
We got this.
- [Party-Goer] You suck, you suck.
- No! - Come on.
- [Matt] Someone gets lost in the muscle sauce,
trying to play catcher.
- Hey, Amber.
- Hey. - Hey.
This is an awesome party.
- Yeah.
- So Cindy's parents don't mind about all this?
- They're in Barbados.
- Oh, that's awesome.
I was wondering, have you seen Sean around anywhere?
- No, try outside.
- Yeah, I looked outside, but what about upstairs?
- In the bedrooms?
(chuckling)
- Yeah. - All I know
is I haven't seen him.
- All right.
Listen, I was wondering if maybe sometime
you wanted to go out to dinner and a movie, maybe?
- Aw, thank you!
But, you know, I'm kinda seeing Matt Waite right now, so.
- Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna
definitely see you later, okay?
- Okay. - All right.
(pulsing electronic music)
- Okay, well, I'm going to go freshen up a bit.
- I'll come find you.
- [Sally] Okay.
(pulsing electronic music)
- Hey!
(pulsing instrumental music)
You smell nice.
- (chuckles) Hey.
- Why haven't I ever noticed you have such a cute ass?
(Sean chuckles nervously)
Come on, let me just suck it.
- Dude, dude, what are you doing?
What, dude!
Stop!
(Sean screams) - Don't struggle.
- [Sean] This won't fly, I can't!
- Oh, Jesus, dude, throw me the rock,
get rid of it!
(pulsing electronic music)
- Oh my God, what the?
Oh my God!
(pulsing electronic music)
(chattering)
- Amber, Amber, come here.
I wanna show you something, come here.
Do you wanna go upstairs?
- Sure.
- All right, come here.
(chattering)
- Nothing.
(shouting)
- Diaz, let's go, Freddy!
Come on, take a little sip.
- [Matt] All right, all right, all right.
(shouting)
- Diaz!
- [Matt] All right, one more, one more, one more,
one more, one more.
(chattering)
(shouting)
- [Party-Goers] Drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
(shouting)
(laughing) (retching)
- [Party=goer] Oh my God!
- You mother-faggot.
My grandmother gave me this shirt.
What's wrong with you?
(chattering)
- Oh, get the fuck outta here!
(pulsing electronic music)
- Wait, wait, wait.
I actually kind of like the dark.
- Whatever you want, sweetie, anything.
(pulsing electronic music)
- Amber, wait.
- I want you to know, I've never, you know.
- No, trust me, I know.
- It feels so strange.
- Strange like you don't wanna do this?
- No, of course, I do.
It's just I can't believe you and I have never.
- That's because you really don't...
- Whatever you want, Ryan Wilson.
I'm yours.
- Amber, wait.
I can't do this.
- Is it me?
Oh, you want me to go down, okay.
- No, no, no, no.
I don't need you, I just realized I don't have a condom.
- Are you serious?
Look, I'm so ready for this.
- No, Amber, trust me.
I am crazy about you, it's just that this is wrong.
I'm sorry.
- [Justin] Oh my God, dude.
All right, all right, all right, tell me, bro,
was it really wet?
- Yeah, and hot, but the good hot.
- [Justin] Oh my God, that is amazing!
- Yeah, but you know, right?
- Oh, about Easy Beasley, yeah, everybody knows about that.
I'm talking about Diaz almost getting
his mouth all over your dick, dude.
I heard you got some of that cock
you were talking about earlier.
- [Sean] Okay.
- Oh, stud muffin, tell me, was she amazing?
- Yeah, man, she was amazing.
- All right, well, you have to tell me
all about it later, but, for now,
please, give me the rock.
- I don't think it's such a good idea, dude.
- What are you talking about, are you fucking crazy?
- Yeah, fair is fair.
- Give me the goddamn rock.
- I couldn't do it, all right?
I pussyed out.
- Bullshit, you expect us to believe
that you didn't get with the finest piece of ass
that goes to our high school?
- Dude, this is so wrong, all right?
These girls think that we're untouchables, all right?
They don't even like us.
The only reason why they wanna have sex with us
is because of this fucking rock.
It's like date rape, it's sick.
- Are you fucking crazy?
All of a sudden, you're a fucking saint?
Look, just because you can't take advantage
of the best thing that's ever happened to guys ever,
doesn't mean I feel the same way.
You and Sean had your chance.
Now give me the fucking rock, it's my turn.
- I'm not giving it to you, man.
- [Justin] Give me the fucking rock.
- Get outta here, dude, I'm not giving you the rock.
- If you don't give me that rock,
you're fucking dead, all right?
You're fucking dead!
- Well, you're just gonna have to take it from me, man.
- [Justin] Give me the...
- Fuck, get off of me, man!
What's wrong with you?
(fleshy smack) (grunting)
- Give me the fucking rock. (fleshy smacks)
Fucking asshole.
Fucking shit.
(funky electronic music)
- Cindy, hey, you and me, upstairs.
- Okay. - Let's go.
(chattering)
- It's weird, you know, man?
You and Justin have been friends since like forever.
- Yeah, well, we didn't know Diaz
was a gay virgin, either, did we?
- No.
- I think my parents are getting a divorce, man.
- Shit, man.
I'm sorry.
What are you gonna do?
- Here's your fucking rock back, you stupid pussy.
- Justin, where you going, man?
Ryan's...
What are we gonna do about the rock?
- I'll take care of it, dude.
- What are you gonna do with it?
- I said I'll take care of it!
(moody rock music)
♪ I don't want to go it alone ♪
- [Justin] Ryan.
- How'd you find me here?
- We've been best friends since we were seven, dude.
You run when you're mad.
- What the fuck do you want?
- Just wanna say I'm sorry, dude.
I mean, last night, this whole thing with the rock,
it's just I don't wanna lose my best friend, right?
- Who sounds like the pussy now, huh?
- I guess I resemble that remark a little.
- A little like your baby Peterson?
- Fuck off, dude.
- Yeah, I guess we're cool.
- Good.
So I wanna tell you this new plan
about us getting laid.
- (chuckles) Do I even wanna hear this?
- Swingers clubs, dude.
All right, we pay 50 bucks,
and these wives just like split up
with their husbands for it.
- Where do you get these ideas?
- Where do I get all my ideas?
They just come to me.
- Right.
- All right, man, we good?
- Yeah. - All right.
What'd you do with the rock, anyway?
- I figured we'd use it one last time.
I gave it to the two people who need
it way more than we do. - Awesome.
(rock music)
- Well, that was the movie.
- I've seen better, I've gotta tell you.
No explosions, no car chases.
- Oh, please.
It was romantic, I loved it.
- Hey there, stud.
(girls chatter)
- What is this, what's going on?
- I told you, the ladies can't keep
their hands off me.
- Hey, beefcake.
- Come here, big daddy.
- How can you be?
Girls, ladies!
Let me make something clear.
He may not be perfect, we may argue from time to time,
I may not always give him all the attention he deserves,
but this is my man!
And nobody's allowed to put their hands on him anywhere
or take him home and make love to him, except me!
Now get out!
Come here, baby.
(sultry instrumental music)
Oh, Daddy, oh, Daddy.
Come here, tiger.
Whoa.
- Give me some of that jiggy-boo, baby.
(laughing)
- [Mom] You are hot, hot, hot!
Oh, baby!
- Well, Amber, I'm sorry that you can't acknowledge
that Changling is the greatest movie of all time.
No, I am being serious. - Oh, baby!
- I can't hear you, it's my parents.
Anyways, are you going to Ava's party?
Nah, I heard it's supposed to be great.
I think they're getting a keg,
and I was thinking that maybe we could,
I don't know, go together?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
(water hisses)
- Are you sure you wanna do this?
- Yeah, I'm sure, man.
- What are we doing up here, anyway?
- It's a long story and, believe me,
if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
- What's with the rock?
- Found it on Mr. Rosenbaum's field trip.
It's a fetish.
- You mean like when you get off
from being choked during sex?
- Well, that's enough talk.
Let's just throw it.
- [Sally] Can I throw it?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh my God, Sally, anyone ever tell you that...
- [Justin] The hottest girl ever.
- No, but thanks.
- Hey, I'd throw that thing if I were you.
- Okay.
(water hisses)
- You never did it.
- I couldn't after what you said.
It made me guilty, I got whisky dick.
- You mean neither of you two guys
actually did anything?
- What, what are we talking about?
What's going on? - Nothing!
And when it comes to these two virgins,
I mean nothing.
Come on, let's go.
- [Sally] Okay.
- Oh, well, I guess that's that.
- Yeah.
Well, who needs magical powers anyway
when you're all that?
- I mean, right, we'll get laid when the time's right.
- Yeah.
- So tell me about this swingers thing.
- Oh yeah, it's advertised online.
These married chicks, right, they swap partners and stuff.
- Wait, wait, wait, how old are they?
- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate
us asking that, but, anyway, these married.
(percussive rock music)