Torrent downloaded from RARBG
This is not an .exe file. This is just a placeholder to prevent mirroring over other public sites.
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¶ Let's go, oh, ooh
The way that you pop, girl ¶
2
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¶ Makes me go cray ¶
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¶ Show me whatcha got, girl ¶
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00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:13,645
¶ You could be my new thang
Ooh, the way that you move ¶
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¶ Makes me go cray ¶
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¶ Pick it up, now drop, girl ¶
You could be my new thang ¶
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-[man 1] Yeah, look,
it's a party!
[man 2] Happy Halloween!
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00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:27,259
Yeah, dude, you want some beers?
Here, here you go, man!
9
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-Here you go, what's up?
-Douglas, Douglas!
10
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Douglas, we can't do that,
those beers are for customers.
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Someone paid for that,
and it, it wasn't you.
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-So customers--
-Listen up, brace face.
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-You get in
the Halloween spirit, all right?
-[screams]
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¶ Heard it's your birthday ¶
15
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¶ Grab a drink if you thirsty ¶
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-Man, whoa.
-Yeah, bro, sick costumes.
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00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,781
Man, those costumes are sick.
18
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:51,283
These aren't costumes,
we're here delivering groce--
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Um, yes, yes, of course
they're costumes.
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My son, here, he's only 16.
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He gets really into
character. [chuckling]
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That's your son.
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Yeah, I can see it.
24
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,562
Well, they have the same visors.
25
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:08,233
But what, what are you bringing
your son to a party for, bro?
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That's not even cool, man,
you got to be responsible.
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You got to be
a responsible dad, man.
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Look, I know you're feeling
a lot, a lot of pressure
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to be a cool dad and everything,
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but you're not hurting
anybody but him.
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Yeah.
32
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Well, well, well, you see,
my, my son, um, well--
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Oh, well, you know what I do
with my son? I leave him
the fuck at home.
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Yeah, be a parent, not a friend.
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All right, guys, I'm just
gonna level with you, okay?
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I, I shaved my nuts
to be here tonight,
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so, please just, just let us in.
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-Dude, that's too much
information, bro.
-Way too much. Did you bring--
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Please just let us in the party,
I'll do anything.
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-Just give us the beer, bro.
-Yeah.
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-I can come in?
-We got to keep partying!
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-Come on!
-[Douglas] Yeah, come on,
get in, get in!
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¶ Let's play casino ¶
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¶ Bring four friends
Plus you, bingo ¶
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¶ Ain't nothing but a flirt ¶
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You know, this whole slutty
Halloween costume thing
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is really getting out of hand.
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Uh, well, it's my party,
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so you're going to have
to deal with it,
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'cause Mama bear likes sipping
on her porridge,
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"Ma-ma-ma-ma-mam."
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Oh, hold up. Come on, man,
what's that costume?
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-I'm... good looking.
-What's your costume?
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I'm really, really hot.
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And I'm getting laid.
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This guy's going as a guy
who just wants to get laid.
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He looks like he would get laid.
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-Jesus!
-What, what time
did you get here?
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Oh, I just got here
a few minutes ago. [laughing]
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-'Cause I had to get ready.
-That's funny,
'cause you're only wearing
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a shirt and a hat.
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[scoffing]
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I'm, I'm a cop.
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I know, it's a joke.
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Ah. [laughing]
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Oh, my God, you're so cute.
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-Thank you.
-Tell me I'm pretty.
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00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,353
-You're beautiful.
-Oh, my God, thank you.
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00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,689
That's so nice of you to say.
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-Hey, well, you know,
you told me to, so--
-[cackling]
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I did not. [laughing]
I'm going to arrest you.
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And your Grandma. [laughing]
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-[oven dings]
-Oh, my God, my Halloween
cookies are ready.
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Here, hold that.
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Oh, these are going
to be so good.
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I'm so excited.
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Oh, my God, I just
burned my fucking hand.
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-Why--
-Holy mother of God.
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-What the--
-What kind of shitty
fucking house
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only has one god damn oven mitt.
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-Are you okay?
-[growling]
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-You all right?
-You shut the fuck up!
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[breathing heavily]
Don't look at me!
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Don't fucking look at me!
85
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It's a weird costume,
you don't fit in!
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[party music]
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[robot voice] Pardon
me, beep, beep.
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-Coming through.
-Oh, my God.
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-[electronics whirring]
-You got a real costume on.
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Cheers, man, to giving
All Hallows' Eve
the respect it deserves.
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All right!
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Oh, here, I got ya.
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00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:04,810
I know how hard it is.
I once dressed up as a banana.
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00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,845
Couldn't get anything
under that peel.
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00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,413
That's dope, bro.
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I made my costume.
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You know, I made this
costume using all stuff
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-I found around my own home.
-Dude, you seriously have a gift
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for making people
look like dicks.
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00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:20,959
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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That is the nicest thing that
anybody has ever said to me.
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Thanks, man.
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[robot] You totally get me.
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The more pressure we
place on the future,
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the less fun it is now.
106
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You know, recently, I noticed
that people are obsessed
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with commitment in
all walks of life.
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You know, like, I went
to get a new cell phone
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and the cell phone guy tried
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to get me locked into
a two-year plan.
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I'm like, "Excuse me, sir.
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Two years, um, [chuckling] what
am I, a fucking crazy person?"
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Who can commit to a cell phone
plan for two fucking years?
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Um, everyone?
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What?
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Okay, well, you know, there's
a lot of good options out there.
117
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,436
I'm just fucking with you, man.
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00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,072
I'm from Canada and up there
we keep it super casual.
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You're from Canada?
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This is making being your
friend very hard, man.
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-I wouldn't have even been--
-[Tammy] Get the hell
out of here!
122
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Come on! This guy
snuck into the party.
123
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Sorry, I'm going,
I just got to get my boss!
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Okay, all right.
Well, I can't even enjoy this
125
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knowing we're 35 minutes
behind schedule.
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Sorry!
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Get out, go!
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For the record, home delivery
is a right not a privilege.
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And you, sir, have lost
that fucking privilege!
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[Tammy] It's ma'am, come on.
-[worker] We value
our customers.
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00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,746
Okay, we appreciate
your business.
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Wow!
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00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,485
Way to take a hit, man.
You're the man.
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00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,654
No, man, thanks for helping
me up, you're the man.
135
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,856
-No, you're the man.
-No...
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[robot voice to woman voice]
...you're the man!
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00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,860
What the fuck?
138
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,062
[upbeat music]
139
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,568
See, you're the man.
140
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:12,804
Holy shit!
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00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,841
[both laugh]
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-[Ross] Ready?
-[Harper] Yeah.
143
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,577
-[Ross] Let's do it.
-[both grunting]
144
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,379
[Ross] Oh, it's warm.
145
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:21,747
But it won't burn.
It won't burn.
146
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,749
-[Ross] Okay.
-[Harper] Okay, okay, okay.
147
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,684
-[vendor] Oh,
that's a good one.
-[both laughing]
148
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,919
-[Ross] What?
-Looks like you're soul mates.
149
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,621
Oh, no, we're just fucking.
150
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,023
Don't tell me I'm wrong.
151
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,960
-Don't you dare.
-Um...
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-We should, we should go.
-I'm scared.
153
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,430
-Yeah, we should go.
-Let's go.
154
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,598
Thank you.
155
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,634
Ow, wearing heels is the worst.
156
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,171
-Feet hurt?
-Yeah.
157
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,907
-Yeah.
-If you tied a plaid
around your waist too.
158
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Ah, the beaver.
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00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:55,680
¶ 'Cause when I look in your
Eyes I see the man I could be ¶
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00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,517
¶ And I want more
From you, honey... ¶
161
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:01,153
-Don't.
-What? It's my food,
I want to take a picture.
162
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:03,922
Oh, no, she's posting
a picture of her food.
163
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,694
What the hell is that?
164
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,496
-That's you.
-Those are not--
165
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Yeah, it is.
166
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:13,899
Ross 1 and Ross 2.
167
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,035
[gasping]
168
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¶ Love ¶
169
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,208
-Wake up.
-[laughing]
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00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,679
[gentle music]
171
00:07:30,184 --> 00:07:33,118
-[Harper laughing]
-[Ross] I can't believe you're
going to India for a week.
172
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,554
-That's too long.
-[Harper] I know,
I have to do a few more
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00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,022
of these workshops so I can go
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00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,591
from, like, an apprentice
chef to a chef chef.
175
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,827
-Very fancy.
-Very fancy.
176
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:44,196
Hey, I downloaded a bunch of
movies on your iPad.
177
00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:47,666
Threw in some extra
batteries into your bag
for your headphones.
178
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,701
-Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
-No prob.
179
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:52,003
Ooh, ooh, I left my passport,
I forgot my passport.
180
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,705
Oh, no, that's right here.
181
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,739
Along with your Visa.
182
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:55,841
What?
183
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,676
Babe, thank you.
184
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,612
Are you sure you don't
want a ride to the airport?
185
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:01,847
Oh, that's sweet,
I just got an Uber though.
186
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,747
Okay.
187
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:07,819
-Bye.
-Bye.
188
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:08,887
See you in a week.
189
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:13,492
Just so you know,
I'm not seeing anybody else.
190
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:16,695
Cool.
191
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,001
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, me neither.
192
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,036
Uh... is that what I say?
193
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,972
-Yeah.
-Okay, all right.
194
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,809
That's a nice place to kiss.
195
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,581
I'll see you in a week.
196
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,250
[laughing]
197
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:39,918
-Bye.
-Bye.
198
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,235
[knocking on door]
199
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,907
-Hey!
-Hey, Mom!
200
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,810
-Thanks for coming by.
-Yeah. You know your headphones
201
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,113
are attached to nothing, right?
202
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,714
-What?
-Your head--
203
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,183
Oh, oh, yeah, I don't listen
to music on them.
204
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:13,985
They, they reduce noise.
205
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,587
I haven't heard your father's
206
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,155
phlegmy breathing in two weeks.
207
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,958
I wish he had
a 57 label on his face
208
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,261
so I could just smack it
until his throat clears.
209
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,065
So where is
the old ketchup bottle?
210
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:27,933
What?
211
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,936
Where is Dad?
212
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,637
Oh, he's in his man cave.
213
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,806
-Man cave?
-Mm.
214
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,207
He's got to man cave now?
215
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,909
[upbeat music]
216
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:46,017
-Hey, son.
-Wow, Dad, nice man cave.
217
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,719
Really like what you've
done with the place.
218
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:50,755
It's not a man cave,
I live in here now.
219
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,290
Yeah, I just got my own
mailing address.
220
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,925
47 Big Dick Lane.
221
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,027
-[chuckling]
-You should call ahead
222
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,063
before you decide
to pop in unannounced.
223
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,898
Yeah, and you should change your
address, because that's
224
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,833
-grossly inaccurate.
-Okay.
225
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,035
what the hell are you all
still doing together?
226
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:08,106
Hmm, well, it's like
agreeing to disagree.
227
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,874
We're happy to be unhappy.
228
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:12,611
At the end of the day, we can't
live without each other.
229
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,945
I administer a weekly
insulin shot,
230
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,047
and she agrees to have
hate sex with me
231
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:18,917
once a week for my prostate.
232
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,752
Yeah, it's true,
I haven't seen your father
233
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,787
since 7 a.m.
on hate sex Tuesday.
234
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,090
Technically on Tuesday
I get to stab her twice.
235
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:29,628
Oh, God, that is awful, for like
9,000 different reasons.
236
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,963
-That's marriage.
-Boom! [laughing]
237
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,066
So, you been tapping ass?
238
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,038
-Yeah, actually.
-Ah, that's my boy!
239
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,973
-How many this month?
-Just one.
240
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,908
-One?
-But she's amazing.
241
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,243
She's actually flying in
from a cooking
242
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,711
workshop in India today.
243
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:47,779
She wants to be a chef.
244
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,747
Does she have the dot?
245
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,181
She does not have a dot.
246
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:53,785
-I can't wait to see her.
-Aw, that's nice, son.
247
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,021
I used to say stupid
shit like that
248
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,156
about your father back
in the early days too.
249
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,258
Oh, you say stupid shit now.
250
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:01,359
I mean, don't worry,
you haven't lost it.
251
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,328
All right, well, you know what?
252
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,729
This was a pleasure.
253
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,865
-Show your mother out, will you?
-Okay.
254
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,767
And stop trying to park
your car in my living room.
255
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,769
Stop trying to park your car
in my back door.
256
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:11,936
Okay!
257
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,338
That's enough.
258
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,040
Let's go.
259
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,175
[plane engine roaring]
260
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,678
[upbeat music]
261
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,048
[Harper] Hey, um, yeah,
this is Harper's voicemail.
262
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,717
I obviously can't come
to my phone right now,
263
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:29,120
so I will call you back, or
text me or something, okay, bye.
264
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,692
[quirky music]
265
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,300
Hey, I'm at LAX.
266
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,202
I'm just a little worried.
267
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,437
It says your flight
landed a little while ago.
268
00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:47,872
So, give me a call.
269
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,708
Hope everything's okay.
270
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,828
[device beeping]
271
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,896
Hey, is everything okay?
272
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,833
I'm in Canada right now,
my parent's house.
273
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,367
[suspenseful music]
274
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,470
What, why?
275
00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:20,271
Okay, remember when
we said goodbye...
276
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,308
Ooh, I left my passport,
I forgot my passport.
277
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:26,044
Oh, no, it's right here,
along with your Visa.
278
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,047
[Harper] Well,
that Visa expired.
279
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,149
And you expect me
to believe that?
280
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,319
And when I went through customs,
they, like, freaked out
281
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,354
and they thought I was,
like, trying to sneak in,
282
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,990
so I'm being deported,
and I can't come back
283
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,159
to America for like five years.
284
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,428
-Holy shit!
-Yes, I'm like
so upset about it,
285
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,230
it's like just when my life
was starting to click there.
286
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,865
Like, I like my job.
287
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,000
I like my friends. I like you.
288
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,835
Look, it's going
to be okay, okay?
289
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:53,171
We'll figure something out,
I'll help you.
290
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,474
I mean, there is one way
291
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,777
that I can get back
to America permanently.
292
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,912
Really, that's great, how?
293
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,849
-I could get married.
-To who?
294
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,317
To you, idiot!
295
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,889
Okay, you do realize
that one of the features
296
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:13,258
of FaceTime, is that
I can see your face, right?
297
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:16,861
Sorry, I'm sorry, yeah.
298
00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:18,329
No, I know.
299
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:21,032
I just, actually-- Oh, my God.
300
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,001
I noticed that photo of
Drake in the wheelchair
301
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,570
on your wall behind
you there, shocking!
302
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,573
Whatever, Ross, it's--
Never mind, honestly.
303
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:32,343
It's just, I thought that
we were, you know, on board
304
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:35,513
with keeping it casual.
305
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,550
I mean, we haven't even
been dating for that long.
306
00:13:38,552 --> 00:13:41,386
It wouldn't be married married,
I don't want that either.
307
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,087
Not yet, it would just be, like,
308
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:45,223
so that I could keep
living in America,
309
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:48,159
and keep pursuing my job and
see my friends and see you.
310
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:51,963
Well,
311
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:55,033
would it be okay if I just
took a night to sleep on it?
312
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,270
Yeah, it's fine.
313
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:03,875
Ross?
314
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,044
Yeah.
315
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,279
Can we sleep with
the video shot on tonight,
316
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,514
so it's like we're together?
317
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,617
Yeah, of course.
318
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,853
[gentle music]
319
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,432
[crickets chirping]
320
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,470
[sighing] I don't know,
you know.
321
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,938
What should I do,
should I just marry her?
322
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:36,474
No, absolutely not.
323
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,612
This is the greatest bait
and switch I have ever heard.
324
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:43,448
Hey, you're getting older.
Your stock is rising.
325
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,216
Yeah, you don't want
to commit all at once.
326
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,185
There is no such thing as a
327
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,554
fake marriage in
a real relationship.
328
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,456
Did she say, "Let's get married
329
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,291
and then divorce in six months?"
330
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:56,261
There is no need to rush
into it like we did.
331
00:14:56,263 --> 00:15:00,365
If you marry her, you marry her.
332
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,967
-Marriage is a life sentence.
-More like the death penalty,
333
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:05,036
but die a little bit everyday
instead of all at once.
334
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:08,206
-Why did you
all get married then?
-[scoffing] Your dumb ass.
335
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,575
Yeah, your deportion
is our abortion.
336
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,277
Don't make the same
mistakes we did.
337
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,312
Deport and abort.
338
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,481
Well, just don't use
the excuse, "I'll pull out."
339
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,249
It never works.
340
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,385
I did, I did pull out,
I didn't make it in time.
341
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,487
Yeah, can you say
premature ejaculation.
342
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,522
I have a sensitive foreskin.
343
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,357
Wow.
344
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,567
[phone beeping]
345
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,438
-[phone ringing]
-I want to hear.
346
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,312
-Hi!
-Hey, it's me, Ross.
347
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,314
Hi, I'm so happy you called,
348
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,316
I felt so weird after
we talked yesterday,
349
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:52,483
and I just don't want
you to think I'm trying
350
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,018
to put any pressure on you.
351
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:57,288
You know, it's just,
like, a crazy situation.
352
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,324
-No.
-[whispering] She's lying.
That's a fucking lie.
353
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:02,427
Shut the fuck up. No, I just--
354
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,263
You know, well--
355
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:10,568
I don't know if it's a good idea
for us to get married, you know.
356
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:13,304
Like, we've only been seeing
each other for a couple months.
357
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,707
People who get married
so quick like that,
they end up hating each other,
358
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:17,742
and I don't want
to end up hating you.
359
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,978
-[whispering]
Good boy, good boy.
-No, I don't want that.
360
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,980
I just don't think
that would happen,
'cause it wouldn't be, like,
361
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,682
married, married,
it would just be a fake marriage
for the Green Card.
362
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:28,553
Right, but we're dating,
so it wouldn't be fake.
363
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,991
Like, marriage puts a lot of
pressure on a relationship,
364
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,727
and, and we've only been dating
for a couple of months.
365
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:38,730
You know, and I don't want to
put that kind of pressure on us.
366
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:42,266
Yeah, okay, I get that.
367
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,536
I just really wish
there was another way
to get you back here.
368
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:51,576
Well, I wasn't,
I wasn't even going to say
anything to you but,
369
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,312
actually, my friend, Loren,
offered to marry me.
370
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,349
[Harper] Okay, so,
Ross knows who Loren is,
he's on my adult field day team.
371
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,352
I'm not going to lie,
he's mad hot,
372
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,487
and the other day
he was just like:
373
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,222
"I would marry you
in a heartbeat."
374
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,324
[upbeat music]
375
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,693
Let's hang back
a bit with Loren.
376
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:12,730
You know, right idea, wrong guy.
377
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:15,600
Ross, we're just friends,
he's a really sweet guy,
378
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,802
and I was just telling him
about the situation,
and he was like,
379
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:20,204
"Oh, I'd love to do
whatever I can to help."
380
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,473
-I'll find you somebody good.
-Like who?
381
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,643
I'll find you
somebody real good.
382
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,545
I don't want
to marry a stranger!
383
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,747
I know some candidates
384
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,216
who would be completely willing,
385
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:36,154
who are college graduates,
um, they shop at J. Crew,
386
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:39,357
you know, a bunch of good guys.
I just, you know, need a couple
of days to figure it out.
387
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,460
Okay, I guess.
388
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,333
-[Ross sighing]
-[phone beeps]
389
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,139
You're in, you're in trouble.
390
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:58,576
[Ross sighing]
391
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,246
It's all right, just breathe.
392
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,415
Get some fresh air,
feels good out here.
393
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,452
-[Tammy sighing]
-Wow.
394
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,721
Like, you're my best friend,
395
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,092
but sometimes you
are dumb as fuck.
396
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,427
Today is fucking insane.
397
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,363
[Ross sighing]
398
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,232
We need a guy who sucks.
399
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,700
You know? A guy with
zero sex appeal.
400
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,535
Somebody who doesn't have
anything in his life,
401
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,603
like, figured out.
402
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:29,140
Get out, you're fired!
403
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,876
Oh, come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll take you to
an R rated movie, anything.
404
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:35,780
-Just don't fire me, please.
-No, too late, too late,
I'm big pimplin' now, baby.
405
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,549
-Too late.
-You've been fucking
impossible ever since
406
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,251
that God damn blow job,
you motherfucker.
407
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,386
Don't you dare, you're through!
408
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:44,388
-[worker] Get... out.
-[Douglas] No!
409
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:45,423
-[worker] Get out!
-[Douglas] No!
410
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,757
No, no, no, no!
411
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,559
Hey, hey, ah!
412
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,795
-[Douglas screaming]
-[both grunting]
413
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:54,165
[elastic tearing]
414
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,534
-[elastic snapping]
-[body thumping]
415
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,336
-[Douglas yelling]
-[door slamming]
416
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,805
Isn't that the asshole
who crashed my Halloween party?
417
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,340
-[engine revving]
-[tires squealing]
418
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:05,176
I'm not fixing your
overbite without these!
419
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:06,377
Fucker!
420
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,578
[upbeat music]
421
00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:12,217
He's perfect!
422
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:13,551
You just turned in
to a little girl.
423
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,524
I need a new best friend.
424
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:20,758
It'll be great, all you
got to do is go to Canada.
425
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,828
Get married to her,
interview with Immigration.
426
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,596
Live with her for six months
427
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,698
until her Green Card
becomes official.
428
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,534
And then that's it, you're
done and you're out of there.
429
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,935
You can bail, live your life.
430
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,570
Yeah, fast money.
431
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,772
Mm. You got this,
come on, come on.
432
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,809
-Do you have a picture of her?
-She's beautiful, man.
433
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,913
-You'll love her.
-Super cute, super cute.
434
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:45,917
All right, I'm very interested.
435
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,652
My rate is $500 a week,
436
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,187
plus, I want my own credit card.
437
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,322
-How do you have a rate?
-I just do.
438
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,824
That's like ten thousand bucks,
man, I don't have that.
439
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,693
Love is very, very expensive.
440
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,496
Okay, I'll give you
200 bucks a month,
441
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:01,599
and this old Navy gift card.
442
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,568
-[Tammy] Ooh.
-There's like
25 dollars on that.
443
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,337
Come on, man,
that's like three V-necks,
444
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,905
which you clearly need.
445
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,341
Well, what is that
in flip-flops?
446
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,545
Five flip-flops?
447
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,548
[chuckling] Five pairs
or five total?
448
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,350
I will get you
five pairs of flip-flops!
449
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,353
[sniggering] Well,
that's way too many. [laughing]
450
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,721
Who would buy five
pairs of flip-flops?
451
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,791
[chuckling]
452
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,695
Mm. That's so many.
453
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,597
That's too many flops.
454
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:37,902
-[gentle music]
-[plane engine roaring]
455
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,308
I didn't realize you
like cats so much.
456
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:46,577
I feel like
a Russian male order bride.
457
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,547
Well, I promise you, if you
go through with this deal.
458
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:52,817
It'll be worthwhile
and you'll be rewarded, uh--
459
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,620
Doug, get in here.
460
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,255
[bright music]
461
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,690
I love your
Scottish accent, Ross.
462
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:04,028
I'm from Scotland too,
for Christ sakes. [laughing]
463
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:06,597
I didn't know
we were doing accents.
464
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,300
Your accent sucks.
Hey, what's up.
465
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:13,838
My name's Doug linbiski.
I mean, Lebowski--
La-- Lapinski.
466
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,607
You're having trouble
saying your own last name?
467
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,378
It's a tongue twister.
468
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:24,682
When it's not in alphabetical
order. How dare you shame me.
469
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:25,816
Right.
470
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:29,520
Hey, Ross, can I talk to you
in the bathroom for a second?
471
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,722
-[Douglas] You want
to see me too?
-Uh-uh, no, just Ross.
472
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:34,025
-[Ross] Okay.
-You want me to
come in there with you?
473
00:21:34,027 --> 00:21:36,694
-Just one minute, thank you.
-All right, I'm going
to be right here.
474
00:21:36,696 --> 00:21:38,462
-[Harper] Okay.
-I won't touch anything.
475
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:42,633
You want me to marry
the psycho from Halloween?
476
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,403
-You're telling me
that guy's better than Loren?
-He's actually a really good guy
477
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,638
-once he gets his last name out.
-You couldn't find
anyone normal?
478
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,474
It's kind of a hard sell,
you know, it's like a marriage
479
00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:52,576
without any of the sex
and all the talking,
480
00:21:52,578 --> 00:21:54,345
who would want to do that?
481
00:21:55,048 --> 00:21:57,014
I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have said that. Okay?
482
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:59,483
He's in, he's in with the plan,
483
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,485
all I had to do was
give him seven grand.
484
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:04,522
Oh, my God,
you're paying him to marry me?
485
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,791
He needs the money, it's the
only way he said he'd do it.
486
00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:10,661
Okay, cool, well, if you're
paying him seven grand,
I'd like ten grand.
487
00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,630
I'll pay you back
in other ways. [clicks tongue]
488
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,565
Nothing you do is
worth ten grand.
489
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,802
Listen, it'll be great, okay?
490
00:22:17,804 --> 00:22:20,338
The guy doesn't even spend
anytime in his place.
491
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:23,341
He says he has some boat,
that's where he is all the time.
492
00:22:23,343 --> 00:22:26,944
-Really?
-Yeah, he'll be off
doing his own thing,
493
00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:30,348
and then we'll be able to
do our thing, together.
494
00:22:31,818 --> 00:22:33,551
That would almost be
a romantic thing to say
495
00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:36,053
if you weren't trying to
convince me to marry a stranger,
496
00:22:36,055 --> 00:22:37,655
who's definitely
on the spectrum.
497
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:47,131
Um, hi!
498
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:51,936
-You woke me up.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
499
00:22:58,010 --> 00:22:59,610
Can I see you in the bathroom?
500
00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:03,080
Okay.
501
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:11,422
I'm a little upset, you didn't
tell me Harper was annoying.
502
00:23:11,424 --> 00:23:13,858
Shh! She's not annoying,
man, she's great.
503
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:16,927
-What are you talking about?
-I won't tolerate her,
her pretentious little hair.
504
00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:19,130
-I need a pay bump.
-I'll give you a thousand
bucks more, man,
505
00:23:19,132 --> 00:23:21,832
-but that's all I got.
-Fine, but I'm not pleased.
506
00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:24,402
You're only going
to get 85% out of me.
507
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:26,704
You might not be able
tell at first glance,
but I'm a romantic.
508
00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:29,473
Oh, I can tell by
the way rose petals fall
509
00:23:29,475 --> 00:23:30,975
-out of your ass.
-Rose petals fall out
of my what?
510
00:23:30,977 --> 00:23:32,743
-Your ass!
-[hand smacking]
511
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,678
-Don't insult me.
-You just hit me!
512
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,447
Have you given much
thought to a venue?
513
00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:39,650
I'm envisioning something
by an ocean, maybe a pinata.
514
00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:41,585
I don't want to skimp
because these memories
are going to last a lifetime.
515
00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:44,422
[whispering] Months,
Doug, six months!
516
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:47,992
Not when you hate your wife,
time fucking goes real slow.
517
00:23:47,994 --> 00:23:50,461
We're going to do the wedding
here, her parents are gone
for the weekend,
518
00:23:50,463 --> 00:23:54,031
-it's free and it's perfect.
-Fine, I'm willing to
forego the idealic venue,
519
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:56,734
-if you give me your socks.
-What?
520
00:23:56,736 --> 00:23:59,537
-Give me your socks.
-What happened to your socks?
521
00:24:00,173 --> 00:24:01,038
They fell off.
522
00:24:02,074 --> 00:24:05,142
[quirky music]
523
00:24:10,516 --> 00:24:11,916
It didn't have to be
that hard, Ross.
524
00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:25,062
What do you two say
we start fresh.
525
00:24:25,865 --> 00:24:28,032
Great idea. Hi, I'm Doug L.
526
00:24:28,034 --> 00:24:32,069
Hi, Doug L., I'm Harper R.
527
00:24:32,071 --> 00:24:33,170
Hmm.
528
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:34,138
That's so sweet.
529
00:24:35,107 --> 00:24:36,740
[gentle music]
530
00:24:36,742 --> 00:24:39,043
Honey, will you marry him?
531
00:24:42,548 --> 00:24:44,682
I will, reluctantly.
532
00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:54,658
Yeah, this place looks
pretty good, right?
533
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:57,161
-Should be fine.
-It looks awful, the balloons
are just sagging there,
534
00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:59,129
they don't even have
enough air in them.
535
00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:02,266
[laughing] Are you wearing
an American tuxedo in Canada?
536
00:25:02,268 --> 00:25:04,268
You might as well burn the flag.
537
00:25:04,270 --> 00:25:05,536
Good one, pal.
538
00:25:05,538 --> 00:25:08,005
Did you check out that
dossier I put together?
539
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:10,458
You all are going to have
to learn every little thing
about each other's lives
540
00:25:10,459 --> 00:25:12,910
'cause customs is going
to interview you
right when we land.
541
00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:14,879
-I don't read.
-Why?
542
00:25:14,881 --> 00:25:16,280
I learn by looking.
543
00:25:17,783 --> 00:25:19,283
Okay, I'll read it to you then.
544
00:25:19,285 --> 00:25:21,685
Shut up, I can not deal
with your petty
545
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:24,188
-bullshit on my wedding day.
Of all days, Ross.
-I'm sorry.
546
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:26,857
Of all days.
It's my fucking wedding day.
547
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:29,560
Once a year, once in a lifetime.
548
00:25:29,562 --> 00:25:31,562
My day, not yours!
549
00:25:31,998 --> 00:25:34,164
But don't worry, buddy,
I always handle my shit.
550
00:25:35,268 --> 00:25:37,234
I'm extremely mature for my age.
551
00:25:37,236 --> 00:25:38,202
Okay.
552
00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:41,205
Oh, yes.
553
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:44,041
I'm here for the Doug
554
00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:46,710
and Harper L. wedding.
555
00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:48,812
Yes, you're in
the right place, my friend,
556
00:25:48,814 --> 00:25:52,983
the groom's side
is on your left.
Right over there, buddy.
557
00:25:52,985 --> 00:25:56,153
-What the fuck is this?
-Can you tell me about
these people that are here?
558
00:25:56,155 --> 00:26:00,758
-Who are these people?
-These are my friends.
559
00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:04,562
Well, actually,
I, I put an ad out online,
560
00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:07,565
and said free cake
at a wedding, so.
561
00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:10,234
Doug, this is my fucking
parents' house, okay,
you can't do that.
562
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:13,804
-There's my little Dougie.
-Mom!
563
00:26:13,806 --> 00:26:16,307
-He invited his family?
-I swear I had no idea.
564
00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:18,108
It's my wedding day, how
can I not invite my family.
565
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:20,110
I am so proud of you.
566
00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:22,046
I never thought
you'd get married.
567
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:27,284
And you only waited to tell me
until two days before.
568
00:26:27,286 --> 00:26:29,219
[hand smacking]
569
00:26:29,221 --> 00:26:32,122
-What the fuck?
-[chuckling] Now,
where's this Harper?
570
00:26:32,692 --> 00:26:34,258
Oh, hi, that's me. [chuckling]
571
00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:36,794
Are you going to marry my son?
572
00:26:37,196 --> 00:26:39,830
-Yeah.
-Yeah, fucking right.
573
00:26:40,232 --> 00:26:43,267
-Well, fuck yeah!
-[hand smacking]
574
00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:46,704
You have outdone
yourself this time.
575
00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:49,306
Who's this fucking
asshole right here?
576
00:26:49,308 --> 00:26:52,242
Well, uh, it's good that
you asked that, Norm.
577
00:26:52,244 --> 00:26:54,979
Ross is Harper's brother.
578
00:26:54,981 --> 00:26:59,984
And she's always
with him because...
[whispering] he's suicidal.
579
00:26:59,986 --> 00:27:02,186
-He's what?
-Suicidal.
580
00:27:02,188 --> 00:27:04,855
And she doesn't really
want to leave him alone.
581
00:27:04,857 --> 00:27:07,191
Right, he's right, you know.
582
00:27:07,193 --> 00:27:12,229
I mean, I just want to
[mimicking dying noises]
583
00:27:12,231 --> 00:27:14,665
Okay, where's the rest
of the family?
584
00:27:14,667 --> 00:27:18,102
They're all fucking dead,
from suicide, Norm.
585
00:27:18,104 --> 00:27:19,169
Thanks for asking.
586
00:27:19,905 --> 00:27:21,772
Well that's just gut wrenching.
587
00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:23,374
[gentle music]
588
00:27:25,344 --> 00:27:26,910
My vows.
589
00:27:26,912 --> 00:27:29,380
I vow to make these vows.
590
00:27:29,382 --> 00:27:32,650
I vow to let you watch
whatever you want on TV
591
00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:34,718
when wrestling's not on.
592
00:27:35,254 --> 00:27:37,421
I promise to make promises.
593
00:27:37,423 --> 00:27:40,724
-I vow to let you have...
-Who the fuck are you?
594
00:27:40,726 --> 00:27:42,326
...all your privacy.
595
00:27:42,328 --> 00:27:45,229
I'm a craigslist model.
596
00:27:45,231 --> 00:27:47,931
Oh, I'm so fucking impressed.
597
00:27:47,933 --> 00:27:50,668
-Do I look good?
-You look like
a fucking pervert.
598
00:27:50,670 --> 00:27:54,171
People spend money,
a special event,
599
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:57,107
a wedding, you came with
the short fucking pants.
600
00:27:57,109 --> 00:28:01,078
This is-- this is so
inconsiderate of you.
601
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,314
Why the fuck--
Why don't you just go
and fuck a donkey somewhere.
602
00:28:05,718 --> 00:28:07,718
Who makes your jacket?
I like it.
603
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,119
[stuttering]
604
00:28:09,121 --> 00:28:11,855
The man who fucks your mother.
605
00:28:12,458 --> 00:28:15,192
Well, perhaps it's the same
man who makes you eat shit!
606
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:17,294
[Douglas] ...go down on
you every Tuesday.
607
00:28:17,897 --> 00:28:18,829
That's rude.
608
00:28:20,232 --> 00:28:21,965
Your mother is a whore.
609
00:28:23,035 --> 00:28:25,169
And if you don't behave
yourself, you know,
610
00:28:25,171 --> 00:28:27,871
you see that black guy
sleeping on himself right now,
611
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:30,407
look at that, I will just
let him loose on you.
612
00:28:30,409 --> 00:28:32,976
Bend you over and fuck,
you say, "Aye!"
613
00:28:32,978 --> 00:28:34,812
He's ready for you,
you fucker, you.
614
00:28:36,148 --> 00:28:37,915
Yep, sorry, man.
I might, I might go--
615
00:28:37,917 --> 00:28:39,917
And who asked you
to sit next me?
616
00:28:39,919 --> 00:28:42,720
Who's the fucking seating
arrangement person here?
617
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:46,323
Sorry about it. [clears throat]
618
00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:49,193
[Douglas] I will honor
and relish you.
619
00:28:52,465 --> 00:28:54,231
Good job, Doug,
it's, it's a special day.
620
00:28:55,835 --> 00:28:58,936
Got any weapons on you
there, suicidey, huh?
621
00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:00,771
Right. You want to be selfish,
kill yourself?
622
00:29:00,773 --> 00:29:03,173
That's fine,
but not fucking today.
623
00:29:03,175 --> 00:29:05,843
Okay. Oh, what's this,
this a pin?
624
00:29:05,845 --> 00:29:08,245
Is this a pin?
Fucking end your life and be
with your dumb fuck family.
625
00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:09,880
Cowards, fuck you.
626
00:29:10,883 --> 00:29:14,418
It's fine, my suicide plans
are more long term anyway.
627
00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:17,154
[whispering] Shut
the fuck up for the vows!
628
00:29:18,524 --> 00:29:20,824
[gentle music]
629
00:29:23,763 --> 00:29:26,263
Okay, do you, Doug Lipinski,
630
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,265
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife.
631
00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:30,200
I do.
632
00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:34,004
And do you, Harper Reynolds,
633
00:29:34,006 --> 00:29:39,877
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
634
00:29:42,081 --> 00:29:43,080
Think about it.
635
00:29:48,521 --> 00:29:50,521
-I do.
-You sure?
636
00:29:50,523 --> 00:29:52,289
[belching] She's sure, dude.
637
00:29:54,193 --> 00:29:56,126
Okay, so, by the power
invested in me,
638
00:29:56,128 --> 00:29:58,362
uh, by the Province of
British Columbia,
639
00:29:58,364 --> 00:30:00,130
I now pronounce you
husband and wife,
640
00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:01,298
you may kiss the bride.
641
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:04,101
[upbeat music]
642
00:30:09,275 --> 00:30:11,108
Kiss her already.
643
00:30:11,443 --> 00:30:12,910
[indistinct shouting]
644
00:30:14,113 --> 00:30:16,814
I found a knife,
I'm going to stab myself
645
00:30:16,816 --> 00:30:18,315
with this fucking knife.
646
00:30:18,317 --> 00:30:19,449
Oh, thank God!
647
00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:21,251
You selfish fuck!
648
00:30:21,253 --> 00:30:24,321
-[loud thump]
-[both grunting]
649
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:27,191
-[fists thudding]
-[groaning]
650
00:30:27,193 --> 00:30:31,028
Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you
Mr. and Mrs. Doug Lipinski.
651
00:30:31,030 --> 00:30:34,565
-[mom cheers]
-[guests clap]
652
00:30:34,567 --> 00:30:37,868
[plane engine roaring]
653
00:30:37,870 --> 00:30:39,570
[Ross] Did you look
at that dossier I made?
654
00:30:40,472 --> 00:30:42,840
Customs is going to interview
you right when we land.
655
00:30:44,009 --> 00:30:45,909
I can handle my shit, Rossy.
656
00:30:45,911 --> 00:30:46,910
All right? I promise.
657
00:30:46,912 --> 00:30:49,313
[people chattering]
658
00:30:49,315 --> 00:30:50,881
[chuckling]
659
00:30:52,885 --> 00:30:56,119
-All right, Mrs. Lebowski.
-It's Lipinski.
660
00:30:56,121 --> 00:30:58,989
-Libinsky.
-Lipinski. Pins--
661
00:30:58,991 --> 00:31:01,358
-It's really hard to pronounce.
-Yeah?
662
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,127
-[Douglas] Yeah.
-Yeah, I wasn't talking
to you though, so.
663
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:08,599
Mrs. Lipinski, you scored
a perfect 50 out of 50.
664
00:31:08,601 --> 00:31:09,867
Oh.
665
00:31:10,236 --> 00:31:12,069
Thank you. [laughing]
666
00:31:13,505 --> 00:31:15,939
And Mr. Lipinsy, Lapinski...
667
00:31:17,877 --> 00:31:20,644
you unfortunately
scored 3 out of 50,
668
00:31:20,646 --> 00:31:22,546
[laughing] 3 out of 50.
669
00:31:22,548 --> 00:31:29,219
Unfortunately for you,
waffle is not the answer
to the first ten questions.
670
00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:32,289
See, including, "What is
the date of your wife's birth?"
671
00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:37,227
I didn't want to leave it blank
because it's better not--
672
00:31:37,229 --> 00:31:38,929
No, no.
673
00:31:38,931 --> 00:31:39,997
What's the date of
your wife's birth?
674
00:31:39,999 --> 00:31:40,931
Just the date?
675
00:31:43,102 --> 00:31:43,967
Waffle.
676
00:31:48,507 --> 00:31:50,207
If you, if you'll excuse
us for a minute,
677
00:31:50,209 --> 00:31:51,675
agent Buckle
and I need to confer.
678
00:31:56,548 --> 00:31:57,681
[door opening]
679
00:32:00,986 --> 00:32:03,353
-[door closing]
-My god, I can't believe you
only got 3 out of 50 right.
680
00:32:03,355 --> 00:32:06,123
-What the fuck?
-I thought it was going
to be multiple choice.
681
00:32:06,125 --> 00:32:07,658
-All right?
-Jesus.
682
00:32:07,660 --> 00:32:10,227
Look, standardized tests
don't test intelligence,
683
00:32:10,229 --> 00:32:11,561
so it's all good.
684
00:32:15,968 --> 00:32:16,667
[door opening]
685
00:32:16,668 --> 00:32:17,367
-[door closing]
-[Harper] It's fine.
686
00:32:29,448 --> 00:32:32,316
Okay, you're good to enter.
687
00:32:32,318 --> 00:32:34,117
-Really?
-Congratulations.
688
00:32:34,119 --> 00:32:35,319
-Thank you.
-Welcome to the United States.
689
00:32:35,321 --> 00:32:36,987
Thank you so much.
690
00:32:36,989 --> 00:32:38,722
But please be advised
that we may drop
691
00:32:38,724 --> 00:32:41,325
into your place of
residence from time to time.
692
00:32:41,327 --> 00:32:43,427
And in which case,
if everything checks out,
693
00:32:43,429 --> 00:32:45,028
you'll get a permanent
Green Card.
694
00:32:45,030 --> 00:32:47,364
Thanks, man, thanks.
695
00:32:47,366 --> 00:32:49,533
-That's awesome. That's awesome.
-Yes, yes.
696
00:32:49,535 --> 00:32:52,669
Hey, needle dick,
I totally passed that test.
697
00:32:52,671 --> 00:32:54,705
[uplifting music]
698
00:32:54,707 --> 00:32:56,573
Yeah, yeah!
699
00:33:00,212 --> 00:33:01,712
It's crazy but it worked.
700
00:33:07,619 --> 00:33:09,686
It worked, I'm so happy.
701
00:33:09,688 --> 00:33:11,588
Oh, I can't believe it worked.
702
00:33:12,224 --> 00:33:14,124
You just got to stick
with me, you know.
703
00:33:14,126 --> 00:33:17,427
Ross the boss, always making
moves. [snapping fingers]
704
00:33:17,429 --> 00:33:19,496
Actually, I was only using
you to get to Doug, so.
705
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,331
-Doug? Nice working with you.
-No, I'm kidding.
706
00:33:26,171 --> 00:33:29,106
¶ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ¶
707
00:33:29,475 --> 00:33:31,408
Where'd you learn
how to kiss, Ross?
708
00:33:32,011 --> 00:33:34,511
If you need any lessons,
let me know.
709
00:33:34,513 --> 00:33:35,779
I'm a professional kisser.
710
00:33:37,449 --> 00:33:39,516
¶ Sometimes life can feel like ¶
711
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:43,086
¶ Walking through
A dark alley alone ¶
712
00:33:43,088 --> 00:33:45,022
[boat horn blaring]
713
00:33:45,024 --> 00:33:46,523
¶ Raise my walls as defense ¶
714
00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:50,694
¶ What I want
Has been taken before ¶
715
00:33:52,131 --> 00:33:55,032
¶ Oh, dreaming is safe
So I'd rather-- ¶
716
00:33:56,068 --> 00:33:59,202
There she is, home sweet home.
717
00:34:02,207 --> 00:34:04,074
Wait, you live on a houseboat.
718
00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:06,810
No, we live on a houseboat.
719
00:34:06,812 --> 00:34:09,613
I swear to God, I did not know.
720
00:34:10,249 --> 00:34:13,417
Yeah, so, you know, I pretty
much bought it in the '80s.
721
00:34:13,419 --> 00:34:15,552
Practically in mint condition.
722
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:18,422
It's really just me that lives
here. You can probably put like
723
00:34:18,424 --> 00:34:21,458
25 people on here if you want
to. So, it's going to be really
comfortable with us three.
724
00:34:21,460 --> 00:34:24,327
Does it actually, like, work?
725
00:34:24,329 --> 00:34:26,430
Yeah, no, it's great, it flies.
726
00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:28,832
We got a little people
call this boat the wave fucker.
727
00:34:29,668 --> 00:34:32,135
-It can actually, like, it can--
-Chuck your luggage in there.
728
00:34:32,137 --> 00:34:34,304
[Harper] Oh, well, I have
some stuff that's--
729
00:34:34,306 --> 00:34:35,806
-Throw it in there real quick.
-Thank you.
730
00:34:35,808 --> 00:34:37,707
Don't worry, don't worry,
the boat's really old,
731
00:34:37,709 --> 00:34:40,510
it won't get hurt.
Just sort of hop over here,
732
00:34:40,512 --> 00:34:42,679
and, uh, let me help you in.
733
00:34:42,681 --> 00:34:46,249
-So, come on up, there's
she goes, whoopsie-daisy.
-[Harper] Okay, okay.
734
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:48,752
So, we got all your
standard amenities.
735
00:34:49,388 --> 00:34:54,391
Plus TV. And, uh, some ketchup,
and of course, mayonnaise.
736
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,628
Oh... and a traffic cone.
737
00:34:58,630 --> 00:35:01,364
We're the only boat in the
harbor that has a traffic cone.
738
00:35:01,366 --> 00:35:03,600
There used to be another guy
that had one, now it's just me.
739
00:35:05,637 --> 00:35:08,405
-Cool.
-[Douglas] And, uh,
oh, right here,
740
00:35:08,407 --> 00:35:11,374
best part, this is little Weezy.
741
00:35:11,376 --> 00:35:13,877
Who's my little first mate?
742
00:35:13,879 --> 00:35:15,245
He's a rescue.
743
00:35:15,247 --> 00:35:17,447
He was in my garbage disposal
744
00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:18,648
and I pulled him out.
745
00:35:19,251 --> 00:35:20,183
-Ugh!
-Hey, Doug.
746
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,753
Is, uh, that you and your
girlfriend there?
747
00:35:23,755 --> 00:35:25,889
Oh, yeah, I wish, man,
that's Crystal.
748
00:35:26,225 --> 00:35:28,458
I'm going to go see
her in a reunion soon.
It's going to be exciting
749
00:35:28,460 --> 00:35:31,695
to see her in the flesh,
and... refresh.
750
00:35:31,697 --> 00:35:33,730
-All right, Doug.
-Oh, my God!
751
00:35:33,732 --> 00:35:36,666
Why don't you show, um,
Harper to her room.
752
00:35:36,668 --> 00:35:39,803
Oh, yeah. I got the best room
in the house for you.
753
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:41,304
Used to be my pet cemetery.
754
00:35:42,574 --> 00:35:44,174
Yeah, come and check it out.
755
00:35:44,176 --> 00:35:46,309
[quirky music]
756
00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:49,412
It's a little bit of
a decorative project
that I'm working on.
757
00:35:49,414 --> 00:35:51,348
It sure is a lot of lava.
758
00:35:51,683 --> 00:35:53,850
Yeah, I bought them
from this street vendor,
759
00:35:53,852 --> 00:35:56,286
he said the lava was
from all over the world.
760
00:35:56,288 --> 00:35:59,556
And I believe him because
he had a hand grenade
tattoo on his face.
761
00:36:01,193 --> 00:36:02,526
-[water squirting]
-Oh, shit!
762
00:36:05,364 --> 00:36:09,299
It's good to keep a roll of
duct tape on board at all times.
763
00:36:09,301 --> 00:36:12,936
For leaks and, uh, waxing
my bikini line. [chuckling]
764
00:36:13,872 --> 00:36:16,306
Pretty cool, huh, guys?
We got our own water.
765
00:36:16,308 --> 00:36:21,178
Woo! Anyway, I'll leave
this duct tape right here.
766
00:36:21,180 --> 00:36:23,213
You're going to need it,
'cause you look
like you don't wax
767
00:36:23,215 --> 00:36:24,781
your bikini line, my friend.
768
00:36:25,284 --> 00:36:27,250
Let's hug it out. [grunting]
769
00:36:27,753 --> 00:36:30,520
All right, later.
You guys have fun now.
770
00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:33,857
Hey, you know what?
I feel like we can do this
for more than six months, yeah?
771
00:36:42,634 --> 00:36:45,569
-It's kind of nice, right?
-No, this is
literally so fucked.
772
00:36:45,571 --> 00:36:47,837
I just married, like,
a mental patient for you.
You were going to
773
00:36:47,839 --> 00:36:49,806
-leave me alone here?
-I'm not going to leave
you alone here.
774
00:36:49,808 --> 00:36:51,875
I'm going to stay every night,
I just don't want to move in.
775
00:36:51,877 --> 00:36:54,477
I seem to feel like you
at least can give a shit
about my well-being.
776
00:36:54,479 --> 00:36:56,713
-I do give a shit.
-No, you don't,
it's always about you
777
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:58,615
and your life and your world.
778
00:36:58,617 --> 00:37:00,483
Like, what about me,
you've never made any effort
779
00:37:00,485 --> 00:37:02,819
-to get to know my friends--
-Invite your friends here.
780
00:37:02,821 --> 00:37:04,988
-Invite them here.
-I'm not going to invite
my friends here.
781
00:37:04,990 --> 00:37:07,724
We'll have a party,
they can get to see
the new digs, it'll be great.
782
00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:10,827
I can do whatever you want
for them, I can cook for them.
783
00:37:10,829 --> 00:37:12,996
I can learn all their names.
784
00:37:13,865 --> 00:37:15,265
It'll be fun.
785
00:37:15,267 --> 00:37:19,002
[reporter] There's a disturbing
new trend on the teenage
party scene.
786
00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:22,572
Teens seeking a buzz are
soaking tampons in Vodka
787
00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:25,542
and inserting them into their
rectum to get drunk faster
788
00:37:25,544 --> 00:37:28,979
and feel the effects of
alcohol more intensely.
789
00:37:28,981 --> 00:37:31,681
The practice is known
as butt chugging.
790
00:37:31,683 --> 00:37:34,618
That's the grossest
thing I've ever seen.
791
00:37:34,620 --> 00:37:36,753
-[woman] Really.
-[laughing]
792
00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:37,754
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
793
00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,322
There you go.
794
00:37:39,324 --> 00:37:40,790
So happy you all
could come over, you know,
795
00:37:40,792 --> 00:37:42,726
it's a real pleasure
getting to meet you.
796
00:37:42,728 --> 00:37:46,263
-Harper, he's great.
-Thank you.
797
00:37:46,265 --> 00:37:48,932
[Douglas screaming] It burns,
it burns, it burns, it burns!
798
00:37:48,934 --> 00:37:50,300
-Oh, shit. [chuckling]
-[women shouting]
799
00:37:50,302 --> 00:37:52,035
[rock music]
800
00:37:52,037 --> 00:37:55,005
Ew! Ew! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
801
00:37:55,007 --> 00:37:57,474
-Is that mine?
-[women chattering]
802
00:37:57,476 --> 00:37:59,476
This guy is insane.
803
00:37:59,478 --> 00:38:02,746
He stuck a tampon into
his ass soaked with Vodka.
804
00:38:03,315 --> 00:38:06,349
-Ah, butt chug.
-There's no way she's going
to last six months with him.
805
00:38:06,351 --> 00:38:08,652
She's going to leave or she's
going to break up with me.
806
00:38:08,654 --> 00:38:11,888
Or I'm going to have
to marry her myself
so she can get away from him.
807
00:38:11,890 --> 00:38:15,759
How am I supposed to know
for sure that's she's the one?
808
00:38:15,761 --> 00:38:18,595
You make a pro,
things you like about her,
809
00:38:18,597 --> 00:38:20,563
and con, things you
don't like about her.
810
00:38:20,899 --> 00:38:24,401
She's super smart
and funny and beautiful.
811
00:38:24,403 --> 00:38:26,469
I've never had more fun with
anybody in my entire life.
812
00:38:26,471 --> 00:38:28,538
It's just, how am I supposed
to know for sure?
813
00:38:28,540 --> 00:38:30,707
Let me ask you this.
Do you ever say no to her?
814
00:38:31,777 --> 00:38:34,377
No-- Not yet, I mean,
it hasn't come up yet.
815
00:38:34,379 --> 00:38:38,648
Ross, [scoffing]
every woman is a peach
when all she hears is yes.
816
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,851
You never know
what she's really like
until you start to say no.
817
00:38:41,853 --> 00:38:43,987
[mom] Walter, are you going
to take this trash out?
818
00:38:45,957 --> 00:38:48,725
-No!
-Go fuck yourself!
819
00:38:49,328 --> 00:38:51,094
Stupid, old fucktard.
820
00:38:51,096 --> 00:38:53,730
You say yes to women,
it's only a matter of time
821
00:38:53,732 --> 00:38:55,732
before you have
to say yes to drugs.
822
00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,701
It's actually a scientific fact.
823
00:38:58,904 --> 00:39:00,070
Interesting.
824
00:39:00,972 --> 00:39:02,072
I read a lot.
825
00:39:02,074 --> 00:39:04,007
[upbeat music]
826
00:39:04,009 --> 00:39:07,077
So, my adult field day team
has a tournament today.
827
00:39:07,079 --> 00:39:08,978
And Loren tore his ACL,
so we have to find somebody
828
00:39:08,980 --> 00:39:10,680
to replace him or we're
going to get disqualified.
829
00:39:10,682 --> 00:39:14,017
Loren, aw, that's too bad.
830
00:39:14,019 --> 00:39:17,487
How could he even get hurt,
he's so perfect.
831
00:39:22,761 --> 00:39:24,561
So, do you want to fill
in for him then?
832
00:39:25,931 --> 00:39:27,997
-No.
-Why?
833
00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:31,000
No reason. Just no.
834
00:39:31,002 --> 00:39:32,635
-Are you sure?
-No.
835
00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:35,372
-Okay, I'm confused.
What do you want?
-No!
836
00:39:35,374 --> 00:39:37,807
-Why do you keep saying no--
-I want to say no, today.
837
00:39:38,744 --> 00:39:39,609
I'm saying no.
838
00:39:40,645 --> 00:39:42,445
-Okay.
-No!
839
00:39:42,447 --> 00:39:45,915
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, nope.
840
00:39:45,917 --> 00:39:49,085
Not today, sorry, nope.
841
00:39:49,087 --> 00:39:54,090
Sometimes people want to say no!
So, I'm going to tell
you no, all right?
842
00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:56,459
So, no, so you can
find someone else,
843
00:39:56,461 --> 00:39:59,162
'cause today
I'm saying no, all right?
844
00:39:59,164 --> 00:40:01,131
[Harper laughing]
845
00:40:01,133 --> 00:40:04,801
Hey, I might be
exactly what you need
846
00:40:04,803 --> 00:40:06,002
for your little field day.
847
00:40:07,506 --> 00:40:08,638
Whoa.
848
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:09,839
[golf club and ball splashing]
849
00:40:09,841 --> 00:40:11,107
Nailed it.
850
00:40:11,109 --> 00:40:13,710
[gentle music]
851
00:40:17,449 --> 00:40:19,916
He literally looks like the
older version of you right now.
852
00:40:20,485 --> 00:40:21,918
Yeah, he's good looking.
853
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:23,920
[quirky music]
854
00:40:30,962 --> 00:40:32,429
-Ready?
-[mumbling]
855
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:34,597
What, ready for what?
856
00:40:34,599 --> 00:40:35,799
[whistle blows]
857
00:40:35,801 --> 00:40:39,035
[tense music]
858
00:40:39,037 --> 00:40:41,171
-[Douglas groaning]
-[man shouting]
859
00:40:46,778 --> 00:40:49,145
[Harper] Oh, come on, Doug!
860
00:40:49,714 --> 00:40:51,714
I'm just going to stay
here for a while.
861
00:40:51,716 --> 00:40:52,782
Staying out right here.
862
00:40:54,186 --> 00:40:55,552
[woman screams]
863
00:40:55,554 --> 00:40:56,920
[water splashing]
864
00:40:56,922 --> 00:40:58,955
[women yelling]
865
00:40:58,957 --> 00:41:00,690
[woman shouting]
866
00:41:03,662 --> 00:41:05,028
You're really hairy, man.
867
00:41:05,997 --> 00:41:08,865
-No, I'm not.
-You look like
a used lint roller.
868
00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:11,935
Truly no symmetry to
your body hair or your face.
869
00:41:12,537 --> 00:41:14,070
Yeah, what happened
to your T-shirt?
870
00:41:14,072 --> 00:41:16,072
-It fell off.
-What do you mean it fell off?
871
00:41:16,074 --> 00:41:18,174
Over there, walking over,
it fell off.
872
00:41:18,176 --> 00:41:19,976
-Yeah, how?
-It just did!
873
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,545
Okay, it's your turn. Go, go.
874
00:41:22,547 --> 00:41:25,215
All right, step aside.
Gonna fucking crush this.
875
00:41:25,217 --> 00:41:28,017
[upbeat rock music]
876
00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:33,623
[Douglas screams]
877
00:41:33,625 --> 00:41:34,591
Whoa!
878
00:41:41,900 --> 00:41:42,765
Oh, hey.
879
00:41:43,568 --> 00:41:44,634
Tough loss.
880
00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:47,070
Wish I could have
helped, but, um...
881
00:41:48,740 --> 00:41:50,206
I feel like such a fat shit.
882
00:41:51,042 --> 00:41:55,111
I haven't done a CrossFit
box jump in like... two days.
883
00:41:55,113 --> 00:41:57,714
-No, you look great.
-Yeah, right,
884
00:41:57,716 --> 00:41:59,883
I'm a little fat granola bar
away from a tummy tuck.
885
00:42:00,685 --> 00:42:02,986
That's crazy,
no, you look great.
886
00:42:02,988 --> 00:42:04,587
[chuckling] Thanks.
887
00:42:04,589 --> 00:42:07,257
Does your boyfriend,
Ross, workout at all?
888
00:42:07,259 --> 00:42:09,659
No, that's not Ross,
that's Doug.
889
00:42:09,661 --> 00:42:12,295
So, that's this random guy that
Ross found for me to marry.
890
00:42:12,297 --> 00:42:14,631
-Wait, are you serious?
-Yeah.
891
00:42:14,633 --> 00:42:17,667
Ross didn't change his mind
and marry you himself?
892
00:42:17,969 --> 00:42:19,269
[gentle music]
893
00:42:19,271 --> 00:42:20,837
Uh, no.
894
00:42:21,139 --> 00:42:22,772
That makes me mad.
895
00:42:22,774 --> 00:42:24,574
That makes me mad!
896
00:42:24,943 --> 00:42:27,710
That's terrible,
I mean-- [chuckling]
897
00:42:29,314 --> 00:42:33,716
You know what? I honestly think
if I went on a bench right now,
I would beat my high.
898
00:42:34,753 --> 00:42:37,320
You know, I'm trying to
be patient with Ross,
899
00:42:37,322 --> 00:42:39,122
'cause he's a really good guy,
900
00:42:39,124 --> 00:42:41,291
he just has this problem
making decisions,
901
00:42:41,293 --> 00:42:43,860
so he's working through it.
902
00:42:43,862 --> 00:42:46,763
If he can't decide about you,
he doesn't have a fear
of making decisions,
903
00:42:47,832 --> 00:42:48,798
he's just an idiot.
904
00:42:51,236 --> 00:42:54,137
Look, if you change your mind,
you know who to call.
905
00:42:56,875 --> 00:42:57,974
It's me.
906
00:42:58,743 --> 00:43:00,109
And if I don't answer,
it's probably
907
00:43:00,111 --> 00:43:02,045
because my, my leg is better,
908
00:43:02,047 --> 00:43:03,780
and I'm back at spin class.
909
00:43:03,782 --> 00:43:06,950
Oh, boy, that music
is loud, huh?
910
00:43:06,952 --> 00:43:09,185
That music is loud,
I need to get back there!
911
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:11,921
Yeah, um,
912
00:43:12,657 --> 00:43:14,791
anyway, I hope you're
feeling better soon.
913
00:43:15,093 --> 00:43:17,360
[gentle music]
914
00:43:19,631 --> 00:43:23,032
Well, I guess
I learned something
important today, you know.
915
00:43:23,034 --> 00:43:25,068
Losing with a team is
better than winning alone.
916
00:43:26,004 --> 00:43:27,904
What have you ever won?
917
00:43:27,906 --> 00:43:30,740
I won, like, a restraining
order one time.
918
00:43:30,742 --> 00:43:32,041
Can you win that? I don't know.
919
00:43:32,043 --> 00:43:34,177
Wow, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
920
00:43:34,946 --> 00:43:37,046
Yeah, if you're here next
time, I fucking quit.
921
00:43:37,616 --> 00:43:39,983
-Why, Jay?
-You fucking suck ass.
922
00:43:40,986 --> 00:43:43,686
All right, well, I guess,
I'll just go back
to my wife, Harper.
923
00:43:44,089 --> 00:43:47,957
Wait, Harper's your wife?
That's amazing.
924
00:43:48,827 --> 00:43:51,761
Yep. Uh. Yeah,
I'm all wifed up, you know.
925
00:43:51,763 --> 00:43:55,064
Same bullshit stories every
night, "Blah, blah, blah.
926
00:43:55,066 --> 00:43:58,034
We should really get
a puppy, blah, blah, blah.
927
00:43:58,036 --> 00:44:00,069
We need to make more
decisions together,"
928
00:44:00,071 --> 00:44:01,871
you know,
like, all that bullshit,
929
00:44:01,873 --> 00:44:04,774
wife, husband stuff, you know.
930
00:44:04,776 --> 00:44:05,942
[woman] I like that.
931
00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:10,146
-You do?
-Yeah, it's hot.
932
00:44:10,148 --> 00:44:12,882
You have a wife.
[chuckling] Woo!
933
00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:14,283
Can I see the ring?
934
00:44:14,285 --> 00:44:16,853
[upbeat rock music]
935
00:44:21,726 --> 00:44:23,860
Wait, is your wife home?
936
00:44:23,862 --> 00:44:25,361
Huh, is your wife home?
937
00:44:25,363 --> 00:44:27,163
-[Harper] I don't--
-Yeah.
938
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,265
-Jackpot!
-Whoa!
939
00:44:30,268 --> 00:44:33,036
I've done everything for you
and you won't even officially
move in here with me.
940
00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:35,838
I'm here all the time,
I basically live here.
941
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:37,440
That's bullshit.
And you know what?
You don't have a problem
942
00:44:37,442 --> 00:44:39,375
making decisions,
you're just a little bitch.
943
00:44:39,377 --> 00:44:41,744
And I am not staying on this
disgusting piece of shit boat
944
00:44:41,746 --> 00:44:44,047
with you and that psycho
for one more second.
945
00:44:44,049 --> 00:44:46,182
[woman moaning]
946
00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:47,984
[woman heavily breathing]
947
00:44:47,986 --> 00:44:50,420
He's not a psycho, okay?
He's just a little special.
948
00:44:50,422 --> 00:44:52,822
He washes his underwear
in the blender
949
00:44:52,824 --> 00:44:54,257
and then he microwaves them dry.
950
00:44:56,161 --> 00:44:57,260
Mm-hmm.
951
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:01,097
[woman heavily breathing]
952
00:45:03,368 --> 00:45:05,868
He's disgusting, his toilet
doesn't have a seat on it.
953
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:07,336
That's because
he's a minimalist.
954
00:45:07,338 --> 00:45:09,005
It's a style choice, babe.
955
00:45:09,007 --> 00:45:10,907
He can't say his own name.
956
00:45:10,909 --> 00:45:12,442
I heard everything
you just said.
957
00:45:13,078 --> 00:45:14,410
-I don't care.
-She did not mean it, man.
958
00:45:14,412 --> 00:45:16,012
-Yes, I did.
-She was just kidding around.
959
00:45:16,014 --> 00:45:17,780
Uh, yeah, she did,
she meant every single word.
960
00:45:17,782 --> 00:45:19,916
Guess what? How do you like
this one, I want a divorce.
961
00:45:19,918 --> 00:45:22,418
Oh, no, no,
if you get a divorce,
962
00:45:22,420 --> 00:45:24,220
I'm going to have to bounce.
963
00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:27,256
-Single guys are so clingy.
-[chuckling]
964
00:45:27,258 --> 00:45:29,325
Let's put a cork
in the divorce thing
965
00:45:29,327 --> 00:45:32,762
for a minute, because I can
tell we'll work this out, right?
966
00:45:32,764 --> 00:45:36,165
-You're so hot.
-I'm so sick of
people saying that.
967
00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:38,835
-Boom.
-Oh, my God.
968
00:45:38,837 --> 00:45:42,004
Jesus, Doug, I'm really going
out on a limb here for you, man.
969
00:45:42,006 --> 00:45:45,241
That's a lot of cocaine.
That's very illegal.
970
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:48,478
That's, like, a really illegal
amount of cocaine, Doug.
971
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:51,414
It is not illegal, we are on
international waters,
972
00:45:51,416 --> 00:45:53,916
-your laws can't touch me.
-We're three feet off
the fucking dock.
973
00:45:53,918 --> 00:45:57,053
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
-We are? Oh, shit.
974
00:45:57,055 --> 00:45:59,789
Sorry, that was a really
fucked up thing for me to do.
975
00:45:59,791 --> 00:46:01,958
Uh, we just won't do any
cocaine for right now.
976
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,459
You know what?
I'm moving out, so have fun.
977
00:46:03,461 --> 00:46:05,795
-No, where's she going?
-Party pooper.
978
00:46:08,032 --> 00:46:09,499
Please don't leave like this.
979
00:46:09,501 --> 00:46:11,267
Good job, Harper, she just left.
980
00:46:13,471 --> 00:46:16,239
Nice to see you, Mrs. Lapinski.
We would have dropped by sooner,
981
00:46:16,241 --> 00:46:18,775
but it's very hard to
track down a houseboat.
982
00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:21,978
-Where you headed off too, hmm?
-I'm actually going
on my honeymoon,
983
00:46:21,980 --> 00:46:24,413
by myself down the road
to the Holiday Inn.
'Cause they a room without
984
00:46:24,415 --> 00:46:26,449
a masturbating rat,
so I'm going to take that.
985
00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:27,917
But if you want
to interview my husband
986
00:46:27,919 --> 00:46:30,186
you totally can,
'cause he's not invited, so.
987
00:46:30,188 --> 00:46:32,288
They're just going
through a rough patch.
988
00:46:32,290 --> 00:46:34,290
Everything's going to be okay.
989
00:46:35,093 --> 00:46:38,194
-Who the hell are you?
-Me? I'm their
marriage counselor.
990
00:46:38,196 --> 00:46:40,863
[chuckling] You must be great.
991
00:46:40,865 --> 00:46:44,200
-That was sarcasm,
you look twelve.
-[Douglas laughing]
992
00:46:44,202 --> 00:46:46,869
Very interesting.
Not one picture of you
as a married couple.
993
00:46:46,871 --> 00:46:48,471
Yeah, you think I want to
take a picture with this turd?
994
00:46:48,473 --> 00:46:50,573
I've taken pictures with turds
995
00:46:50,575 --> 00:46:53,242
-and they don't look
anything like me.
-Feelings, arguing,
996
00:46:53,244 --> 00:46:54,877
that's good,
these are good things.
997
00:46:54,879 --> 00:46:55,945
You know, it's therapeutic.
998
00:46:55,947 --> 00:46:57,346
Doug, why don't you go ahead
999
00:46:57,348 --> 00:46:58,981
and let Harper
know how you feel?
1000
00:47:02,253 --> 00:47:05,054
I hate you, you're cruel
and you're insensitive.
1001
00:47:05,557 --> 00:47:07,957
-[Ross] Well done.
-[Douglas sighing]
1002
00:47:07,959 --> 00:47:09,959
-Felt great.
-Good, good.
1003
00:47:09,961 --> 00:47:12,328
-You see? Progress.
-Progress for
a marriage counselor,
1004
00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:16,432
but not for us. See, couples
living apart is big reg flag.
1005
00:47:16,434 --> 00:47:18,401
What is it, your job to
make people get a divorce?
1006
00:47:18,403 --> 00:47:21,470
No, it's my job to inform you
1007
00:47:21,472 --> 00:47:23,840
that marriage fraud
is a very serious offense.
1008
00:47:23,842 --> 00:47:26,876
-Up to eight to ten years.
-Maybe even nine.
1009
00:47:26,878 --> 00:47:29,612
Shut up! So, if you want to tell
us anything, you tell us now.
1010
00:47:29,614 --> 00:47:31,047
I eat plants.
1011
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:34,116
Huh? You tell us right now!
1012
00:47:35,253 --> 00:47:38,454
Now, you tell us!
Now, you tell us.
1013
00:47:38,456 --> 00:47:40,990
-Okay, this was all my--
-It's all real, it's all real.
1014
00:47:40,992 --> 00:47:43,226
I mean, it's real,
there's no marriage fraud here.
1015
00:47:43,228 --> 00:47:45,361
I mean, this-- You know what
they say, that you can only hate
1016
00:47:45,363 --> 00:47:47,029
the ones that you love, right?
1017
00:47:47,031 --> 00:47:49,332
-No.
-Well, I really hate Doug!
1018
00:47:54,606 --> 00:47:57,940
-Something very wrong here
and we're going to find it out.
-We are going to find it.
1019
00:47:57,942 --> 00:47:58,941
-We find everything.
-Back off.
1020
00:47:58,943 --> 00:47:59,909
Okay.
1021
00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:02,478
Have a lovely day.
1022
00:48:07,619 --> 00:48:09,886
Eight to ten years.
1023
00:48:09,888 --> 00:48:12,121
Jesus, that's like
all of High School.
1024
00:48:12,123 --> 00:48:15,057
I'm so sorry, Harper,
this is all my fault.
1025
00:48:15,059 --> 00:48:16,359
I'm just going to go
back to Canada.
1026
00:48:16,361 --> 00:48:18,194
Don't do that.
1027
00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:20,162
Why should I stay here?
Like, why should I?
1028
00:48:20,164 --> 00:48:21,664
I've done literally everything
for this relationship,
1029
00:48:21,666 --> 00:48:23,566
you have not done anything.
1030
00:48:23,568 --> 00:48:28,037
I'm going to--
I'm going to change.
1031
00:48:28,039 --> 00:48:29,372
Okay, I don't believe you.
1032
00:48:29,374 --> 00:48:31,207
I'm going to, I have to,
1033
00:48:31,209 --> 00:48:33,042
because if I don't
I'm going to lose you.
1034
00:48:33,044 --> 00:48:35,144
Hey, I'm sorry it took me
so long to realize
1035
00:48:35,146 --> 00:48:37,280
how important you are
and how lucky I am to have you.
1036
00:48:37,282 --> 00:48:41,317
But I know that now,
okay, I'm gonna change.
1037
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:45,955
Well, what are we going to do
about the INS, though, like,
they're completely onto us.
1038
00:48:45,957 --> 00:48:48,991
I'll figure it out.
You know, I'll make it work.
1039
00:48:48,993 --> 00:48:51,294
I'll, I'll make this look
like a legit marriage.
1040
00:48:54,198 --> 00:48:56,265
-No.
-No?
1041
00:48:57,468 --> 00:48:58,601
No.
1042
00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:00,536
Why?
1043
00:49:02,173 --> 00:49:03,940
I don't know, 'cause, like,
"Sometimes people
1044
00:49:03,942 --> 00:49:05,942
just feel like saying no."
1045
00:49:05,944 --> 00:49:07,643
All right, okay,
I see what you're doing.
1046
00:49:07,645 --> 00:49:09,312
That's my impression
of you saying no.
1047
00:49:09,314 --> 00:49:11,380
I got that it was your
impression of me. You know,
1048
00:49:11,382 --> 00:49:13,516
every time a woman
does an impression of me,
1049
00:49:13,518 --> 00:49:16,619
it's never,
[deep voice mumbling]
1050
00:49:16,621 --> 00:49:18,721
like they do of most guys.
It's always...
1051
00:49:18,723 --> 00:49:20,957
[high pitch mumbling]
1052
00:49:20,959 --> 00:49:23,392
-'Cause it's
the appropriate octave.
-It is the right octave.
1053
00:49:23,728 --> 00:49:25,661
I deserve it, I'm sorry.
1054
00:49:26,331 --> 00:49:30,066
I promise, Harper, if you stay,
I'll make this all work out.
1055
00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:33,469
Don't make me regret this.
1056
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:35,004
Okay, I won't.
1057
00:49:36,074 --> 00:49:38,140
[upbeat music]
1058
00:49:38,142 --> 00:49:39,642
[Harper] I got
to give it to Ross.
1059
00:49:40,345 --> 00:49:42,445
He moved in, and he
started to put, like,
1060
00:49:42,447 --> 00:49:44,647
a ton of thought into
how to fool the INS.
1061
00:49:44,649 --> 00:49:47,650
-[camera clicking]
-And I mean a lot of thought.
1062
00:49:48,987 --> 00:49:50,353
Maybe too much.
1063
00:49:50,355 --> 00:49:52,421
[Ross] We're not
adopting anybody.
1064
00:49:52,423 --> 00:49:55,224
Okay? We're just going
to come here, fill out
some paperwork,
1065
00:49:55,226 --> 00:49:58,027
leave a trail for customs
and then bail, that's it.
1066
00:49:58,029 --> 00:50:01,597
-I don't want to get any
of these kids hopes up.
-Oh, hi, hi there!
1067
00:50:01,599 --> 00:50:03,165
How'd you like to meet
some of the children.
1068
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,301
Come on, kids, line up,
everybody, line up.
1069
00:50:05,303 --> 00:50:07,470
No, we just wanted to fill out,
like, the preliminary paperwork.
1070
00:50:07,472 --> 00:50:09,338
Oh, this will only
take a second.
1071
00:50:09,340 --> 00:50:11,741
Say, "Hi, visitors."
1072
00:50:11,743 --> 00:50:13,709
[kids] Hi, visitors.
1073
00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:17,046
[camera clicking]
1074
00:50:17,048 --> 00:50:20,549
-No, no, no.
-Can we do some where, um,
you guys look like a couple
1075
00:50:20,551 --> 00:50:22,084
who's trying to start a family.
1076
00:50:23,454 --> 00:50:25,454
We don't do that kind
of photography here,
1077
00:50:26,224 --> 00:50:28,024
but if you come
back to my place,
1078
00:50:28,559 --> 00:50:30,693
I'll show you
the wide angle lens.
1079
00:50:31,462 --> 00:50:35,164
And this is Natalie,
she is recently available
1080
00:50:35,166 --> 00:50:36,665
and a very spirited young lady.
1081
00:50:36,667 --> 00:50:39,468
Aw, hi, Natalie.
1082
00:50:39,470 --> 00:50:41,504
I'm Harper, and this
is my husband, Doug.
1083
00:50:42,073 --> 00:50:44,073
You two don't look married.
1084
00:50:44,442 --> 00:50:46,709
Well, they are married, so.
1085
00:50:47,311 --> 00:50:48,210
I don't think they are.
1086
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:50,813
Yeah, they are.
1087
00:50:50,815 --> 00:50:53,449
-No, they're not.
-They are, okay.
1088
00:50:53,451 --> 00:50:55,584
What do you know?
You're just a kid.
1089
00:50:55,586 --> 00:50:58,687
I know chemistry,
and you two don't have it.
1090
00:50:58,689 --> 00:50:59,688
Who the fuck are you?
1091
00:50:59,690 --> 00:51:01,157
[gasping]
1092
00:51:01,159 --> 00:51:03,692
I'm Ross, who are you?
1093
00:51:03,694 --> 00:51:06,629
I'm the girl who knows some
shady shit is going on here.
1094
00:51:06,631 --> 00:51:09,231
[upbeat music]
1095
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:12,134
[camera snapping]
1096
00:51:20,311 --> 00:51:22,344
[gentle music]
1097
00:51:34,292 --> 00:51:36,459
Thanks for doing
literally all of the work.
1098
00:51:36,461 --> 00:51:37,827
[chuckling] You're welcome.
1099
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:40,529
-This looks really good.
-Thank you.
1100
00:51:40,531 --> 00:51:43,666
Yeah, you should, uh,
add this to your cookbook.
1101
00:51:43,668 --> 00:51:45,334
[chuckling] What cookbook?
1102
00:51:45,803 --> 00:51:47,603
The one you're going
to write someday.
1103
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,772
[gentle music]
1104
00:51:49,774 --> 00:51:52,775
-What is this?
-[chuckling] Just
something I got you.
1105
00:51:53,478 --> 00:51:55,311
All you got to do is
fill in the pages.
1106
00:51:55,313 --> 00:51:57,413
Ross, this is amazing,
I love it.
1107
00:51:59,283 --> 00:52:00,449
And I love you.
1108
00:52:03,821 --> 00:52:06,255
[chuckling] Did you
just say I love you?
1109
00:52:06,257 --> 00:52:08,290
-I did.
-Did you just say I love you?
1110
00:52:09,494 --> 00:52:12,394
Sorry, sorry, I love you too.
1111
00:52:13,197 --> 00:52:15,397
Phew, okay.
1112
00:52:15,399 --> 00:52:17,299
-Now we should kiss.
-Mm-hmm.
1113
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,413
[suspenseful music]
1114
00:52:42,393 --> 00:52:44,426
[upbeat music]
1115
00:52:46,330 --> 00:52:47,363
Oh, shit.
1116
00:52:48,533 --> 00:52:50,366
Move over, I'm coming in.
1117
00:52:50,368 --> 00:52:52,268
-Get the fuck out of here, man.
-What are you doing?
1118
00:52:52,270 --> 00:52:54,236
There's agents out
there watching you two
1119
00:52:54,238 --> 00:52:55,938
-whores obviously copulating.
-Fuck!
1120
00:52:55,940 --> 00:52:58,507
Now, we only have one choice.
1121
00:52:58,509 --> 00:52:59,775
We have to make it
look like a threesome.
1122
00:53:00,912 --> 00:53:02,912
-Doug, no.
-Yeah.
1123
00:53:02,914 --> 00:53:03,946
No.
1124
00:53:06,784 --> 00:53:08,717
-[Ross] No, no!
-Let's do it, baby.
1125
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:13,589
No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No!
Stay the fuck away, man!
1126
00:53:13,591 --> 00:53:15,524
All right, well, I just
want to go on the record,
that this does not
1127
00:53:15,526 --> 00:53:17,293
look like a threesome,
we're all going to jail.
1128
00:53:17,295 --> 00:53:19,762
Geez, it's ridiculous.
1129
00:53:21,766 --> 00:53:24,300
They're fucking taking
pictures, right now.
1130
00:53:24,302 --> 00:53:26,268
Come on! Do something!
1131
00:53:26,837 --> 00:53:28,871
-Do something, pussy!
-Fuck it.
1132
00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,739
-Fuck it what?
-Let's do it.
1133
00:53:30,741 --> 00:53:31,840
Come on, let's go.
1134
00:53:32,977 --> 00:53:35,945
Come on, kiss me, come here.
1135
00:53:38,449 --> 00:53:40,749
Um, this, this still doesn't
look like a threesome.
1136
00:53:43,321 --> 00:53:46,288
No, no! Oh! [mumbling]
1137
00:53:49,293 --> 00:53:51,527
-What the fuck?
-What the fuck?
1138
00:53:53,264 --> 00:53:56,865
-What the fuck, man!
-You pressed your tits
against me, what do you expect?
1139
00:53:56,867 --> 00:53:59,768
-So?
-So, I get a boner,
I feel tits, I get a boner.
1140
00:53:59,770 --> 00:54:03,472
-It's totally natural.
-Don't you fucking blame
your boner on me, man!
1141
00:54:03,474 --> 00:54:04,807
I mean, do you guys
even need me here?
1142
00:54:04,809 --> 00:54:06,742
Hey, they're taking
pictures of us right now,
1143
00:54:06,744 --> 00:54:08,310
-so you better give me
that belly button.
-No!
1144
00:54:08,312 --> 00:54:10,346
-Fuck that shit.
-No, God!
1145
00:54:10,748 --> 00:54:12,514
Is he fucking his belly button?
1146
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:15,784
Oh, God, no! God, no!
1147
00:54:18,422 --> 00:54:21,690
I should be mad at you
'cause technically
you cheated on me.
1148
00:54:21,692 --> 00:54:23,826
-My belly button's
been deflowered.
-[chuckling]
1149
00:54:24,695 --> 00:54:27,630
But he did save us,
so you can't really be that mad.
1150
00:54:28,866 --> 00:54:29,999
I guess.
1151
00:54:30,735 --> 00:54:33,035
-[lips smacking]
-Ah! What the fuck, man!
1152
00:54:33,037 --> 00:54:34,770
-What?
-You just kissed me.
1153
00:54:34,772 --> 00:54:36,405
Ah, come on, don't be prude.
1154
00:54:36,874 --> 00:54:38,774
Hey, I know how
you two can repay me
1155
00:54:38,776 --> 00:54:40,342
for that genius
threesome idea I had.
1156
00:54:40,344 --> 00:54:41,810
By buying you pants?
1157
00:54:43,748 --> 00:54:47,449
The annual Lidinski family
reunion is tomorrow.
1158
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,885
There's going to be
Lipinskis flying in
1159
00:54:49,887 --> 00:54:51,420
from all over the country.
1160
00:54:52,356 --> 00:54:54,990
I'm a little nervous,
but the idea of going with
1161
00:54:54,992 --> 00:54:59,728
a looker, such as my wife,
and watching four generations
of Lidinskis
1162
00:54:59,730 --> 00:55:01,897
shit their pants
is kind of appealing to me,
1163
00:55:01,899 --> 00:55:03,465
you know what I mean?
1164
00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:05,567
So, what do you say,
let's do it.
1165
00:55:07,338 --> 00:55:08,737
You know what, Doug, I think
it's the least we can do.
1166
00:55:08,739 --> 00:55:11,407
-I'll totally go.
-Yes, yeah.
1167
00:55:13,411 --> 00:55:15,411
I'm a way better slow dancer
when I have a partner.
1168
00:55:15,413 --> 00:55:17,513
[chuckling] Cool.
1169
00:55:17,515 --> 00:55:19,948
-You gotta come.
-Yeah.
1170
00:55:19,950 --> 00:55:21,483
-No.
-Stop.
1171
00:55:21,919 --> 00:55:23,886
Your brother's going
to kick my ass if I go.
1172
00:55:23,888 --> 00:55:25,788
No, he won't.
1173
00:55:25,790 --> 00:55:27,923
Smooth it over with my mom,
ask her to dance,
1174
00:55:27,925 --> 00:55:29,792
call me an idiot. You'll be back
1175
00:55:29,794 --> 00:55:31,860
in the family circle of
trust before you know it.
1176
00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:38,500
-[blowing]
-Fine, I'll go.
1177
00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:40,602
-[rock music]
-Yes.
1178
00:55:40,604 --> 00:55:42,705
Now, put on some god damn pants.
1179
00:55:42,707 --> 00:55:43,739
Not a chance.
1180
00:55:49,380 --> 00:55:52,047
There you are,
with your beautiful wife.
1181
00:55:52,616 --> 00:55:54,817
-I'm so proud of you.
-Thanks, Mom!
1182
00:55:55,753 --> 00:55:57,953
Hello, Miss Lipinski.
1183
00:55:57,955 --> 00:55:59,021
You look amazing.
1184
00:56:00,991 --> 00:56:04,626
Um, I'm really sorry about
how I acted at the wedding.
1185
00:56:04,995 --> 00:56:06,128
You were being a douche.
1186
00:56:06,697 --> 00:56:08,797
I was being a total douche.
1187
00:56:08,799 --> 00:56:11,500
Um, I was thinking, maybe
I could make it up to you
1188
00:56:11,502 --> 00:56:12,134
by asking you to dance?
1189
00:56:16,407 --> 00:56:17,139
All right.
1190
00:56:17,141 --> 00:56:19,108
[suspenseful music]
1191
00:56:22,113 --> 00:56:23,512
Hi, how's it going?
1192
00:56:24,081 --> 00:56:27,583
You'll get this back
when you've earned it.
1193
00:56:27,585 --> 00:56:29,685
There are too many trees around.
1194
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:33,389
A lot of trees.
1195
00:56:34,759 --> 00:56:36,825
You want to go for a dance?
1196
00:56:38,596 --> 00:56:40,062
[belt creaking]
1197
00:56:40,998 --> 00:56:44,032
[upbeat country music]
1198
00:56:47,104 --> 00:56:49,738
¶ Should of been gone ¶
1199
00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,173
¶ By now ¶
1200
00:56:52,676 --> 00:56:54,410
¶ I Don't know why... ¶
1201
00:56:54,412 --> 00:56:55,611
[hand smacking]
1202
00:56:55,613 --> 00:56:56,879
You step on my foot,
1203
00:56:56,881 --> 00:56:58,881
the next one won't be so gentle.
1204
00:56:58,883 --> 00:57:00,582
Eyes on your partner.
1205
00:57:01,652 --> 00:57:03,852
-Yes, ma'am.
-[sighing]
1206
00:57:04,488 --> 00:57:06,755
Ah, man, this is great.
1207
00:57:07,458 --> 00:57:11,126
Oh, shit, there's Crystal
McAllister, in the flesh.
1208
00:57:11,128 --> 00:57:12,828
Quick, take this off,
you look slutty.
1209
00:57:12,830 --> 00:57:16,165
Ow, God, why do you care,
who's Crystal?
1210
00:57:16,167 --> 00:57:17,766
Isn't she, like,
your High School crush,
1211
00:57:17,768 --> 00:57:19,968
-why is she even here?
-She's my cousin.
1212
00:57:19,970 --> 00:57:21,837
-What?
-Yeah, I know.
1213
00:57:21,839 --> 00:57:23,205
You'd think it'd make
it easier, right?
1214
00:57:23,207 --> 00:57:25,607
But it's surprisingly tough.
1215
00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:26,708
I don't really even know
what to say right now.
1216
00:57:26,710 --> 00:57:29,478
-Say you'll be my wing wife.
-No!
1217
00:57:29,847 --> 00:57:33,015
-We're not related by blood.
-I don't believe you, I think
you want to fuck your cousin.
1218
00:57:33,017 --> 00:57:35,584
-No, she married my cousin.
-Why isn't he here?
1219
00:57:35,586 --> 00:57:39,121
He died on a boating accident
with his secret family.
1220
00:57:39,123 --> 00:57:41,056
I don't know, that's just weird.
1221
00:57:41,058 --> 00:57:42,925
Holy shit, she's coming
over here, just act normal.
1222
00:57:42,927 --> 00:57:44,660
Oh, my God.
1223
00:57:44,662 --> 00:57:48,564
Doug, oh, my God! [laughing]
1224
00:57:49,533 --> 00:57:50,666
Hey.
1225
00:57:50,668 --> 00:57:53,202
[laughing]
1226
00:57:53,204 --> 00:57:55,571
You must be Doug's wife?
1227
00:57:55,573 --> 00:57:59,241
That's me, this is
the best husband ever.
1228
00:57:59,243 --> 00:58:00,943
I could've guessed that.
1229
00:58:00,945 --> 00:58:03,612
The notes that he used
to pass me in class
1230
00:58:03,614 --> 00:58:06,782
were always so creepy, but they
had the sweetest undertones.
1231
00:58:06,784 --> 00:58:09,151
You picked up sweet undertones?
1232
00:58:09,153 --> 00:58:11,954
'Cause my thoughts were
entirely creepy. [laughing]
1233
00:58:11,956 --> 00:58:14,823
[all laughing]
1234
00:58:14,825 --> 00:58:17,226
[Doug laughing alone]
1235
00:58:19,096 --> 00:58:20,195
Well...
1236
00:58:21,065 --> 00:58:22,631
it was so great
to see you, Doug.
1237
00:58:26,136 --> 00:58:28,170
-And, and a pleasure
to meet you.
-You too.
1238
00:58:29,607 --> 00:58:32,007
[mimics camera clicking]
1239
00:58:34,512 --> 00:58:35,811
[nervously chuckling]
1240
00:58:37,848 --> 00:58:38,981
Please stop.
1241
00:58:42,086 --> 00:58:43,986
Thank you so much.
1242
00:58:43,988 --> 00:58:45,220
-[mimics camera clicking]
-Don't.
1243
00:58:46,724 --> 00:58:48,156
[mimics camera clicking]
1244
00:58:48,158 --> 00:58:50,025
[gentle country music]
1245
00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:55,664
-Why do you keep staring
at me like that?
-You told me to look at you!
1246
00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:58,100
I told you to look at your
partner, not eye fuck her!
1247
00:58:58,102 --> 00:59:01,570
I'm just looking at you,
there's no eye fucking
going on here.
1248
00:59:01,572 --> 00:59:03,772
You need to go throw some
cold water on your face,
1249
00:59:03,774 --> 00:59:05,874
back down that eye horny.
1250
00:59:07,177 --> 00:59:11,213
-Why don't we get a drink.
-Oh, you want to liquor
me up, you rapey fuck.
1251
00:59:11,215 --> 00:59:13,115
Stay the fuck away
from my mom, man.
1252
00:59:13,117 --> 00:59:15,183
Stay the fuck away
from her, okay?
1253
00:59:15,185 --> 00:59:18,654
You know what?
Here's your belt, bro, go nuts!
1254
00:59:22,826 --> 00:59:23,892
[fingers snapping]
1255
00:59:26,030 --> 00:59:27,729
-[Douglas] Hey, you see
that guy right there?
-Yeah.
1256
00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:29,731
That's Paul, he's the
coolest guy in my family.
1257
00:59:29,733 --> 00:59:32,200
Doug, thought you'd be
in jail or rehab by now.
1258
00:59:32,202 --> 00:59:34,136
How the hell did you pull her?
1259
00:59:34,138 --> 00:59:35,938
'Cause he's got the dick
the size of an elephant trunk.
1260
00:59:35,940 --> 00:59:37,606
And he's a very active listener.
1261
00:59:39,610 --> 00:59:41,276
Wow, Doug, nice work, man.
1262
00:59:42,246 --> 00:59:43,645
So, you're married, Paul?
1263
00:59:44,815 --> 00:59:48,050
Uh, yeah,
she's over there. Honey!
1264
00:59:48,052 --> 00:59:49,685
-Ugh, enough, God!
-[people cheering]
1265
00:59:49,687 --> 00:59:52,688
Crush, crush, crush!
1266
00:59:52,690 --> 00:59:54,656
Oh, yeah, that was perfect!
1267
00:59:54,658 --> 00:59:57,759
-Can you come over here?
-Fuck you!
1268
00:59:57,761 --> 00:59:59,861
-[crushing can]
-[people cheering]
1269
00:59:59,863 --> 01:00:02,764
-Fuck you, man, fuck you!
-Fuck you.
1270
01:00:02,766 --> 01:00:04,900
-[people cheering]
-[Paul's wife] Take
the can and go home!
1271
01:00:04,902 --> 01:00:07,302
She crushed a whole
30-pack last night.
1272
01:00:08,238 --> 01:00:12,074
Anyways, congratulations,
you guys look really happy.
1273
01:00:12,076 --> 01:00:13,775
I'm going to go.
1274
01:00:13,777 --> 01:00:16,211
Oh, God, I love being
married to you.
1275
01:00:16,213 --> 01:00:18,614
I love it, I love it, I love it!
1276
01:00:18,616 --> 01:00:20,716
[laughing] Yes!
1277
01:00:21,685 --> 01:00:24,353
You know, Doug, I love
being married to you too.
1278
01:00:24,355 --> 01:00:26,989
And this whole thing
has actually brought Ross
and I a lot closer together.
1279
01:00:26,991 --> 01:00:28,724
So cheers, to us.
1280
01:00:29,193 --> 01:00:30,225
To us.
1281
01:00:32,096 --> 01:00:33,228
[gentle music]
1282
01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:35,163
Oh, thank you.
1283
01:00:35,165 --> 01:00:37,132
-Well, we lucked out with you.
-[Harper laughing]
1284
01:00:37,134 --> 01:00:38,166
You guys want one?
1285
01:00:47,945 --> 01:00:51,146
Rossy, she's amazing,
what a great girl.
1286
01:00:51,849 --> 01:00:54,016
I know, man,
I was just thinking that.
1287
01:00:55,019 --> 01:00:58,387
God, I mean, look at this,
look where we are right now.
1288
01:00:58,389 --> 01:01:00,255
You know? I mean, look at all
she's done for me.
1289
01:01:00,257 --> 01:01:03,025
Oh, careful. [laughing]
1290
01:01:03,027 --> 01:01:05,127
In all this craziness,
it's really made me realize
1291
01:01:05,129 --> 01:01:06,361
how I feel about her.
1292
01:01:07,998 --> 01:01:09,297
I'm going to propose
to her soon.
1293
01:01:11,368 --> 01:01:14,002
And thank you,
thank you so much...
1294
01:01:14,004 --> 01:01:18,106
¶ Don't waste your time
I know the story ¶
1295
01:01:21,245 --> 01:01:25,747
¶ Heard you tell so many times ¶
1296
01:01:29,687 --> 01:01:32,454
I think I'm going to go ask her
to dance, brother sister style.
1297
01:01:32,456 --> 01:01:33,722
Watch my corn?
1298
01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:41,296
¶ Hiding behind
Those empty eyes ¶
1299
01:01:41,298 --> 01:01:42,764
-Hey, sis.
-Hey.
1300
01:01:42,766 --> 01:01:44,066
Would you like to dance?
1301
01:01:45,836 --> 01:01:50,472
¶ Rain clouds
And heavy heartbeats ¶
1302
01:01:53,077 --> 01:01:55,477
¶ Waiting for change... ¶
1303
01:01:55,479 --> 01:01:57,412
Oh, Weezy, not today.
1304
01:02:00,317 --> 01:02:05,420
¶ But you're going to do ¶
1305
01:02:06,957 --> 01:02:08,490
¶ What you want to ¶
1306
01:02:14,364 --> 01:02:16,865
¶ Oh, what you want to ¶
1307
01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:18,233
[distant chattering]
1308
01:02:18,235 --> 01:02:21,036
-After you.
-Merci beaucoup.
1309
01:02:21,772 --> 01:02:22,904
Yo.
1310
01:02:24,441 --> 01:02:27,008
-Everything okay, Doug?
-Yeah, uh, sure.
1311
01:02:27,411 --> 01:02:31,279
-What's that?
-This? It's nothing,
nothing at all.
1312
01:02:31,281 --> 01:02:33,749
What is this,
what are you hiding?
Is this a love note for Crystal?
1313
01:02:33,751 --> 01:02:36,952
Oh, fuck, what the fuck, Doug!
1314
01:02:36,954 --> 01:02:40,388
I threw that away!
Babe, I am so sorry, okay?
1315
01:02:40,390 --> 01:02:43,825
-I wrote that a long time ago.
-Cool, so, I married
a whack job for you
1316
01:02:43,827 --> 01:02:45,827
and you made a list of things
you don't like about me.
1317
01:02:45,829 --> 01:02:48,764
Pros too,
look at all those pros.
1318
01:02:48,766 --> 01:02:51,266
-[Douglas] Whack job
is very offensive.
-You shut the fuck up, Doug!
1319
01:02:51,268 --> 01:02:53,935
"My ravioli is too cheesy.
1320
01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:56,938
I like Dubstep, is from Canada.
1321
01:02:56,940 --> 01:03:01,243
Has kissed men before me,
nipples are too dark,
1322
01:03:01,245 --> 01:03:04,179
I have big knuckles," I don't.
"I like you too much."
1323
01:03:04,181 --> 01:03:06,815
Okay, cool, well,
you don't have to worry
about that anymore, Ross.
1324
01:03:06,817 --> 01:03:09,317
-Fuck you.
-Okay, that was a long time ago.
1325
01:03:09,319 --> 01:03:12,988
All right?
I don't even understand
what any of that means now.
1326
01:03:12,990 --> 01:03:15,857
You think it's okay
to just construct a list
of somebody's flaws.
1327
01:03:15,859 --> 01:03:18,393
-No, it was stupid.
-Okay, cool, let me
try it for you then.
1328
01:03:18,395 --> 01:03:22,063
Um, you can't decide on
anything, you don't even
have a cell phone plan,
1329
01:03:22,065 --> 01:03:25,167
-'cause you're a pussy.
-Okay, wow.
1330
01:03:25,169 --> 01:03:27,869
Your legs are way too long
and your torso is super short.
1331
01:03:27,871 --> 01:03:30,305
You have a southern accent
and you're from Baltimore.
1332
01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:32,440
When you smile, it looks like
you have a piano in your mouth,
1333
01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:35,177
and your face is so
fucking generic and bland
1334
01:03:35,179 --> 01:03:37,479
I can't even describe what
you look like to my friends.
1335
01:03:37,481 --> 01:03:39,548
Your hair always looks like
you just took a bike helmet off.
1336
01:03:39,550 --> 01:03:42,317
And your dick looks like
it's half circumcised,
I don't understand it.
1337
01:03:42,319 --> 01:03:44,920
You're not funny,
and you do have man boobs, Ross,
1338
01:03:44,922 --> 01:03:48,356
I know I said that you don't,
but you fucking do,
and they're huge, titty boy!
1339
01:03:50,894 --> 01:03:54,462
Okay, I'm glad we got
that off our chest.
1340
01:03:56,834 --> 01:03:59,334
Listen, Harper,
I just wasn't sure.
1341
01:03:59,336 --> 01:04:02,137
Sure, I know you weren't sure.
You don't have to be
sure anymore, Ross,
1342
01:04:02,139 --> 01:04:04,906
'cause this is fucking over.
So, get the fuck out.
1343
01:04:04,908 --> 01:04:07,909
-You too, get out.
-But this is my houseboat.
1344
01:04:07,911 --> 01:04:09,277
Get out!
1345
01:04:09,847 --> 01:04:11,112
-Please let me--
-Get out!
1346
01:04:11,582 --> 01:04:13,215
And Dubstep is fun.
1347
01:04:14,484 --> 01:04:17,219
[gentle music]
1348
01:04:42,946 --> 01:04:45,013
I can't believe
my marriage is over.
1349
01:04:45,382 --> 01:04:48,116
Do you think she's going
to take 50% of the houseboat?
1350
01:04:48,118 --> 01:04:50,552
-Would joint custody--
-Are you kidding me, man?
1351
01:04:52,155 --> 01:04:55,357
I love her, you just ruined it.
1352
01:04:55,359 --> 01:04:58,193
-Why would you do that to me?
-I'm sorry, I just
kind of freaked out.
1353
01:04:58,195 --> 01:05:00,295
You know, when people
saw me with Harper,
1354
01:05:00,297 --> 01:05:03,365
a girl that beautiful and that
smart, and she would marry me,
1355
01:05:03,367 --> 01:05:06,268
I mean, I felt incredible.
I finally felt like
I could tell my mom,
1356
01:05:06,270 --> 01:05:10,005
"Fuck you, I'm not a loser,
you're wrong about me."
1357
01:05:10,007 --> 01:05:13,275
I got you into all this, man,
this isn't your fault.
1358
01:05:13,277 --> 01:05:16,912
You know, you need to stand up
to her, man, your mom's a dick.
1359
01:05:16,914 --> 01:05:20,415
She should be proud of you.
Sometimes I wish I was like you.
1360
01:05:20,417 --> 01:05:23,985
You know, maybe if I was like
you, all this fucking bullshit
1361
01:05:23,987 --> 01:05:25,587
with Harper would
have never happened.
1362
01:05:28,025 --> 01:05:29,257
I'm such a fucking idiot.
1363
01:05:38,435 --> 01:05:41,303
-Okay, enough.
-[Ross] What?
1364
01:05:41,305 --> 01:05:44,472
I have come to your Dad
and your super hot Mom
1365
01:05:44,474 --> 01:05:46,474
to stage an intervention.
1366
01:05:46,476 --> 01:05:48,310
I'm depressed,
I'm not on heroin.
1367
01:05:48,312 --> 01:05:50,578
This is an intervention
about a substance
1368
01:05:50,580 --> 01:05:53,214
you're not abusing, fresh puss.
1369
01:05:55,552 --> 01:05:58,653
Look, it's the only way
you're, you're going to get
over Harper and move on.
1370
01:05:58,655 --> 01:06:01,056
I don't want to get over Harper.
1371
01:06:01,725 --> 01:06:04,292
-I love her.
-[all laughing]
1372
01:06:04,294 --> 01:06:06,027
So stupid.
1373
01:06:06,029 --> 01:06:08,096
[dad] Look, I know you're sad,
but trust us,
1374
01:06:08,098 --> 01:06:11,032
you dodged a big whiny bullet.
1375
01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:13,601
[Tammy] It's like you
forget how much you used
1376
01:06:13,603 --> 01:06:16,271
to complain about Harper,
like, all the time.
1377
01:06:16,273 --> 01:06:19,441
Remember? She posted
pictures of her food.
1378
01:06:19,443 --> 01:06:21,042
[mom] I don't know you want
to marry into that family.
1379
01:06:21,044 --> 01:06:23,278
[dad] Yeah, you got
to move on, all right?
1380
01:06:24,681 --> 01:06:27,315
You got to stay
single, and you know
how long you should stay single?
1381
01:06:27,317 --> 01:06:28,583
[mom] Forever.
1382
01:06:29,252 --> 01:06:30,719
-Forever.
-[dad] Oh, boy.
1383
01:06:30,721 --> 01:06:32,454
[mom] Don't even,
don't even start.
1384
01:06:33,357 --> 01:06:36,992
Son, let me, um, let me
give you a little advice.
1385
01:06:38,662 --> 01:06:41,129
I don't want any of
your shitty advice.
1386
01:06:41,131 --> 01:06:43,398
Okay? I don't know why
I've listened to you
three in the first place.
1387
01:06:43,400 --> 01:06:45,433
The only thing scary
about commitment
1388
01:06:45,435 --> 01:06:48,303
is when you use bad judgment
like you did.
1389
01:06:48,305 --> 01:06:50,372
There's nothing scary
about loving Harper.
1390
01:06:50,374 --> 01:06:51,539
I want to be with her.
1391
01:06:53,110 --> 01:06:54,175
I want to marry her.
1392
01:06:55,612 --> 01:06:57,245
[sighing]
1393
01:06:57,247 --> 01:06:59,347
[bright music]
1394
01:07:02,285 --> 01:07:04,119
[knocking on door]
1395
01:07:06,723 --> 01:07:08,289
Hi, honey!
1396
01:07:08,792 --> 01:07:11,493
-Where's Harper?
-That's actually why I'm here,
1397
01:07:11,495 --> 01:07:13,061
it's not really going
to work out between us.
1398
01:07:13,063 --> 01:07:16,164
Well, then, honey,
you better fix it,
1399
01:07:16,566 --> 01:07:19,434
I mean, just landing
her was a fluke.
1400
01:07:20,303 --> 01:07:24,105
Ross isn't Harper's brother,
he's her boyfriend,
1401
01:07:24,107 --> 01:07:26,474
-and he paid me
to marry her so that--
-[hand smacking]
1402
01:07:26,476 --> 01:07:28,810
I knew she was
too good for you. I--
1403
01:07:28,812 --> 01:07:32,514
-[hand smacking]
-You don't deserve
to be a mother!
1404
01:07:32,516 --> 01:07:35,617
-How dare you!
-You had it coming.
1405
01:07:35,619 --> 01:07:39,187
You're a bully.
And just because Harper
wouldn't marry me for real,
1406
01:07:39,189 --> 01:07:40,388
doesn't mean that
somebody else won't.
1407
01:07:41,124 --> 01:07:43,358
Yeah, right!
1408
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:44,659
-[fist punch]
-[Douglas groaning]
1409
01:07:44,661 --> 01:07:45,827
The fuck, Mom!
1410
01:07:45,829 --> 01:07:48,430
-[fist punching]
-[yelping]
1411
01:07:48,432 --> 01:07:50,131
I'm sorry, Mom,
I had to do that.
1412
01:07:50,133 --> 01:07:51,299
You needed to be punched.
1413
01:07:53,203 --> 01:07:55,437
[suspenseful music]
1414
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:58,239
[agent 1] Look at this.
1415
01:08:00,844 --> 01:08:03,678
Harper, let me in,
I want to talk to you.
1416
01:08:04,414 --> 01:08:07,282
Let me in, I want
to talk to you, come on!
1417
01:08:07,617 --> 01:08:09,417
-Please!
-Hey, buddy.
1418
01:08:09,419 --> 01:08:11,820
Hey, man.
Why do you look so happy?
1419
01:08:11,822 --> 01:08:14,722
Why are you here?
I don't want to talk to you.
1420
01:08:14,724 --> 01:08:17,692
I screwed up, okay, Harper.
I love you.
1421
01:08:17,694 --> 01:08:19,761
-[Harper] Whatever,
you're such a lying asshole.
-[agent 2 laughing]
1422
01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,097
I don't know what this fucking
is, it's not a relationship.
1423
01:08:22,099 --> 01:08:24,399
Plus, Loren's going to
be here in five minutes,
to take me to the airport.
1424
01:08:24,401 --> 01:08:25,667
So you should probably
leave before he gets here,
1425
01:08:25,669 --> 01:08:27,669
'cause he doesn't really
like you very much.
1426
01:08:28,538 --> 01:08:30,872
-Loren?
-Yeah, Loren, the one
person who's actually cared
1427
01:08:30,874 --> 01:08:33,842
about me the entire time,
unlike you two fucking assholes.
1428
01:08:33,844 --> 01:08:35,643
[agent 1] All right, do you want
to make this hard or easy?
1429
01:08:35,645 --> 01:08:37,679
Huh? Hard or easy, your choice.
1430
01:08:38,615 --> 01:08:40,215
Round them up.
1431
01:08:40,517 --> 01:08:42,750
All right, guys,
you're under arrest.
1432
01:08:42,752 --> 01:08:44,252
I'm so sorry.
1433
01:08:44,754 --> 01:08:46,654
[agent 1] You going to make
this hard or easy?
1434
01:08:46,656 --> 01:08:49,691
[suspenseful music]
1435
01:09:02,639 --> 01:09:03,838
[jail door slamming shut]
1436
01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:05,673
I'm such an idiot.
1437
01:09:06,576 --> 01:09:08,543
Sorry for roping you
into all this, Doug.
1438
01:09:08,545 --> 01:09:10,578
[door alarm buzzing]
1439
01:09:10,580 --> 01:09:11,579
It's okay.
1440
01:09:13,283 --> 01:09:15,150
I got to be cool
for four months.
1441
01:09:15,152 --> 01:09:17,218
That's more than
most guys get to be.
1442
01:09:18,722 --> 01:09:21,389
Plus, I got so many girls
being married to Harper,
1443
01:09:21,391 --> 01:09:23,291
it was like a vag-a-lanche.
1444
01:09:25,228 --> 01:09:26,928
Wasn't it just that one
girl from field day?
1445
01:09:27,764 --> 01:09:30,598
Yeah, but for me,
that was like a vag-a-lanche.
1446
01:09:31,201 --> 01:09:33,935
[sighing] I should have
just married her
when I had the chance.
1447
01:09:34,504 --> 01:09:36,538
I can't believe a girl like
her would ever even like me
in the first place.
1448
01:09:36,540 --> 01:09:37,939
You know? I could never wrap
my head around it.
1449
01:09:37,941 --> 01:09:39,407
I couldn't believe it either.
1450
01:09:39,743 --> 01:09:43,378
Okay, well, now it's over, so.
1451
01:09:43,947 --> 01:09:45,647
-Done.
-She's out in Canada.
1452
01:09:45,649 --> 01:09:46,948
She can't come here.
1453
01:09:46,950 --> 01:09:48,883
And here I am, stuck here.
1454
01:09:48,885 --> 01:09:50,185
Can't go there. [chuckling]
1455
01:09:50,921 --> 01:09:52,620
[sighing]
1456
01:09:52,622 --> 01:09:54,722
Hey, your friend, Tammy,
just posted your bail,
1457
01:09:54,724 --> 01:09:55,657
you're free to go.
1458
01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:01,930
-[keys jingling]
-[door opening]
1459
01:10:01,932 --> 01:10:04,766
[gentle music]
1460
01:10:13,510 --> 01:10:15,677
Without Harper, this isn't
any better than jail.
1461
01:10:17,747 --> 01:10:19,480
-You know what?
-What?
1462
01:10:19,482 --> 01:10:20,715
Fuck it.
1463
01:10:20,717 --> 01:10:24,352
I'm not going to let a little
federal indictment stop me.
1464
01:10:24,354 --> 01:10:26,888
I'm going to go up to Canada
and I'm going to see Harper
1465
01:10:26,890 --> 01:10:28,256
and I'm going to show her
that I love her
1466
01:10:28,258 --> 01:10:29,824
and prove to her
that I've changed.
1467
01:10:31,428 --> 01:10:34,329
Yeah, yeah, let's kidnap her,
I'll help you.
1468
01:10:34,331 --> 01:10:36,464
-What?
-I mean, let's get her,
get her back!
1469
01:10:36,466 --> 01:10:39,934
Yeah, okay, all right.
1470
01:10:40,637 --> 01:10:43,705
We can't get on an airplane
because we're on a no fly list,
1471
01:10:43,707 --> 01:10:46,941
and they're not just
going to let us drive
across the border, so.
1472
01:10:46,943 --> 01:10:48,610
[laughing]
1473
01:10:51,381 --> 01:10:52,513
-Hot air balloon!
-Boat!
1474
01:10:52,515 --> 01:10:54,382
Oh, I was going to say boat.
1475
01:10:54,818 --> 01:10:56,918
We're on a boat,
we can take the boat.
1476
01:10:56,920 --> 01:10:58,853
We're on a boat,
we're on a boat.
1477
01:10:58,855 --> 01:11:00,455
[upbeat rock music]
1478
01:11:00,457 --> 01:11:02,790
-Come on!
-Come on!
1479
01:11:02,792 --> 01:11:04,492
-[engine starting]
-Woo!
1480
01:11:04,494 --> 01:11:06,995
-Yes!
-Yeah, oh, man,
we're going to haul ass.
1481
01:11:06,997 --> 01:11:09,397
I'll get this boat up
to fifty fucking knots.
1482
01:11:09,399 --> 01:11:11,266
We should be there by nightfall.
1483
01:11:11,268 --> 01:11:12,934
I'm so happy
I could kiss you, man.
1484
01:11:13,903 --> 01:11:15,370
Really?
1485
01:11:16,539 --> 01:11:17,805
Maybe I should go untie us.
1486
01:11:20,310 --> 01:11:22,010
Be swift and fast.
1487
01:11:22,012 --> 01:11:24,445
[boat chugging]
1488
01:11:30,720 --> 01:11:33,354
[gentle music]
1489
01:11:33,356 --> 01:11:34,756
[boat honking]
1490
01:11:44,301 --> 01:11:46,768
Five fucking days, man,
I'm fucking losing my mind.
1491
01:11:47,604 --> 01:11:49,337
Harper's probably
already moved on by now, man.
1492
01:11:49,339 --> 01:11:50,738
What the hell am I going to do?
1493
01:11:51,975 --> 01:11:53,841
Well, Harper is white, correct?
1494
01:11:54,577 --> 01:11:55,977
Yes, she's white, Doug.
1495
01:11:57,814 --> 01:11:59,747
You know, you really messed up.
1496
01:11:59,749 --> 01:12:02,350
That's no way to court
a white woman.
1497
01:12:02,352 --> 01:12:03,885
Did you learn that in your book?
1498
01:12:03,887 --> 01:12:06,554
It's all about making
amends, making right
1499
01:12:06,556 --> 01:12:07,955
what you have done wrong.
1500
01:12:08,625 --> 01:12:10,658
If you want to make
amends to Harper...
1501
01:12:11,628 --> 01:12:13,661
you need to say
sorry in a big way.
1502
01:12:16,566 --> 01:12:17,965
You know, you're right, Doug.
1503
01:12:18,635 --> 01:12:20,868
That's actually some
pretty good advice.
1504
01:12:20,870 --> 01:12:22,670
[Asian accent] Us Asian men
need to stick together.
1505
01:12:24,341 --> 01:12:25,840
I need to do something that
shows Harper that I love
1506
01:12:25,842 --> 01:12:27,442
everything about her,
and that I can make big
1507
01:12:27,444 --> 01:12:28,710
permanent decisions.
1508
01:12:36,786 --> 01:12:39,754
Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?
1509
01:12:42,525 --> 01:12:44,859
I'm here to prove to
you how much I love you.
1510
01:12:44,861 --> 01:12:47,395
-Everything okay, babe?
-I--
1511
01:12:47,397 --> 01:12:50,965
[chuckling] Who's
the Canadian enthusiast?
1512
01:12:50,967 --> 01:12:54,035
I'm Ross, and you don't call
her babe, that's our thing.
1513
01:12:56,039 --> 01:12:58,606
Harper, I've loved you
ever since I thought
you were a robot.
1514
01:13:03,113 --> 01:13:05,380
Oh, my God, Ross.
1515
01:13:05,382 --> 01:13:08,416
Uh-huh. It hurt, it hurt a lot.
1516
01:13:10,520 --> 01:13:13,621
I just wanted to show you
that I can make big
permanent decisions.
1517
01:13:13,623 --> 01:13:15,790
And this is the most permanent
thing I could think of.
1518
01:13:16,693 --> 01:13:18,025
Oh, my God.
1519
01:13:18,762 --> 01:13:19,694
-[Ross wincing]
-Sorry.
1520
01:13:19,696 --> 01:13:20,895
It's okay.
1521
01:13:20,897 --> 01:13:21,996
[Harper] "The list of things
1522
01:13:21,998 --> 01:13:23,731
I love about Harper.
1523
01:13:24,601 --> 01:13:29,837
Her hair, her eyes,
her cute sneezes,
1524
01:13:30,407 --> 01:13:32,106
her really great grammar,
1525
01:13:33,843 --> 01:13:36,144
the way she thinks dogs
can understand her
1526
01:13:36,146 --> 01:13:37,612
when she talks to them."
1527
01:13:37,614 --> 01:13:38,579
They can.
1528
01:13:40,884 --> 01:13:44,018
You love answering
my questions during movies?
1529
01:13:44,020 --> 01:13:46,721
I mean, if anybody else ever did
it, I'd find it insufferable,
1530
01:13:46,723 --> 01:13:48,756
because it's you
though, I, I love it.
1531
01:13:49,993 --> 01:13:51,893
-Really?
-With all my heart.
1532
01:13:54,464 --> 01:13:56,864
You know what?
I did this for you.
1533
01:13:58,968 --> 01:14:00,835
Wow, that's impressive.
1534
01:14:00,837 --> 01:14:02,170
A thousand crunches a day.
1535
01:14:02,172 --> 01:14:03,771
-[sprinklers turn on]
-[Douglas] Yes!
1536
01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:06,174
Look at him,
he's all wet, he sucks!
1537
01:14:08,144 --> 01:14:09,911
-That was me.
-Loren, I'm so sorry.
1538
01:14:09,913 --> 01:14:12,213
Oh, come on, look at me.
1539
01:14:12,882 --> 01:14:15,850
-I'm so good looking.
-I've never really
been that attracted
1540
01:14:15,852 --> 01:14:17,752
to, like, super good
looking people.
1541
01:14:18,154 --> 01:14:22,657
I'm kind of into, like,
the soft gawky, like, weird,
big teeth type.
1542
01:14:22,659 --> 01:14:24,759
-I don't know.
-Thanks.
1543
01:14:25,462 --> 01:14:28,529
I mean, I'm not sure if
that was a compliment,
but it sounded sweet.
1544
01:14:30,133 --> 01:14:32,166
-[gentle music]
-[Ross sighing]
1545
01:14:32,168 --> 01:14:33,100
Harper...
1546
01:14:34,537 --> 01:14:35,870
-[chuckling]
-...will you marry me?
1547
01:14:38,575 --> 01:14:40,541
No, get up.
1548
01:14:40,543 --> 01:14:43,244
You're so weird,
I don't want to marry you yet.
1549
01:14:43,246 --> 01:14:44,912
You blew all that up yourself
in you're own head.
1550
01:14:44,914 --> 01:14:47,048
I just want to be
your girlfriend.
1551
01:14:47,050 --> 01:14:48,916
And, like, maybe live in
the same place as you,
1552
01:14:48,918 --> 01:14:51,652
so we can watch the shows
we like, and snuggle a lot.
1553
01:14:53,857 --> 01:14:55,590
I'm so lucky.
1554
01:14:55,592 --> 01:14:57,859
But seriously, we need
to get fucking married,
1555
01:14:57,861 --> 01:15:00,194
Doug and I got
into some deep shit.
We weren't supposed to leave
1556
01:15:00,196 --> 01:15:01,796
the country while we're on bail.
1557
01:15:02,599 --> 01:15:05,700
-I'm a fugitive now, baby.
-You're a fugitive?
1558
01:15:05,702 --> 01:15:07,201
That's right, honey.
1559
01:15:07,203 --> 01:15:09,837
I don't know why,
but I'm so into that.
1560
01:15:09,839 --> 01:15:11,606
Fine, I'll marry you,
but only 'cause
1561
01:15:11,608 --> 01:15:12,740
it's for the greater good.
1562
01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:17,245
I need kale.
1563
01:15:17,881 --> 01:15:19,046
-[fist punching]
-[grunting]
1564
01:15:19,048 --> 01:15:21,549
-Holy fuck!
-What are you doing?
1565
01:15:21,551 --> 01:15:22,917
This is usually when
the losing guy
1566
01:15:22,919 --> 01:15:24,852
gets mad and tries
to kick your ass,
1567
01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:27,021
so I decided to knock him out
before he got the chance.
1568
01:15:27,891 --> 01:15:29,757
-That's actually pretty smart.
-Well, hey, thank you.
1569
01:15:29,759 --> 01:15:32,059
Hey, since we're not going
to be married anymore...
1570
01:15:33,530 --> 01:15:34,595
can I be your best man?
1571
01:15:36,833 --> 01:15:38,299
Tammy will be devastated...
1572
01:15:42,238 --> 01:15:43,588
but sure.
1573
01:15:43,589 --> 01:15:44,939
[officiant] Do you, Ross Ruben,
take this woman
1574
01:15:44,941 --> 01:15:46,941
to be your lawfully wedded wife.
1575
01:15:48,011 --> 01:15:48,876
I do.
1576
01:15:50,213 --> 01:15:53,080
Do you, Harper Reynolds,
take this man
1577
01:15:53,082 --> 01:15:54,949
to be your lawfully
wedded husband.
1578
01:15:54,951 --> 01:15:57,752
I do, reluctantly.
1579
01:15:58,187 --> 01:16:01,222
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
1580
01:16:01,224 --> 01:16:04,892
-Oh, shit, Crystal,
what are you doing here?
-Oh, come on.
1581
01:16:05,261 --> 01:16:10,131
[whispering] Oh, um,
Harper told me that you guys
weren't really married,
1582
01:16:10,733 --> 01:16:12,733
and that you didn't have
a date for this wedding,
1583
01:16:12,735 --> 01:16:14,268
so I just thought I'd swing by.
1584
01:16:16,973 --> 01:16:18,839
You came all the way to Canada?
1585
01:16:19,909 --> 01:16:20,808
Yep.
1586
01:16:22,145 --> 01:16:23,945
Are you with the black kid?
1587
01:16:24,314 --> 01:16:26,981
I don't know him, we just
met in the parking lot.
1588
01:16:27,917 --> 01:16:30,718
-Fuck yeah.
-Wing wife for life.
1589
01:16:31,020 --> 01:16:35,323
Okay, that's, that's great,
now let's, let's move on,
shall we?
1590
01:16:35,325 --> 01:16:38,259
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
1591
01:16:38,261 --> 01:16:39,660
You may kiss the bride.
1592
01:16:40,930 --> 01:16:42,863
[upbeat music]
1593
01:16:42,865 --> 01:16:45,933
[guests cheering and applauding]
1594
01:16:49,105 --> 01:16:52,273
Yes! Woo-hoo!
1595
01:16:59,048 --> 01:17:02,316
Hey, anybody want to
turn this wedding party
into a fuck party?
1596
01:17:05,388 --> 01:17:06,988
Let's go!
1597
01:17:06,990 --> 01:17:09,256
[upbeat music]
1598
01:17:15,965 --> 01:17:18,733
¶ She's moving up
Down, all around ¶
1599
01:17:18,735 --> 01:17:20,368
¶ She's moving up
Down, all around ¶
1600
01:17:21,137 --> 01:17:23,204
¶ She's moving up
Down, all around ¶
1601
01:17:23,973 --> 01:17:26,641
¶ In a high class place
With a white girl ghetto ¶
1602
01:17:26,643 --> 01:17:28,843
¶ Up, down, all around ¶
1603
01:17:28,845 --> 01:17:30,344
¶ She's moving up
Down, all around... ¶
1604
01:17:30,346 --> 01:17:33,381
[laughing]
1605
01:17:33,383 --> 01:17:35,816
[crew member] Ask him
who makes his jacket.
1606
01:17:35,818 --> 01:17:38,119
Okay, who makes this jacket?
1607
01:17:38,688 --> 01:17:42,823
What? Mine who fucks
your mother in the ass,
1608
01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:45,226
that's the fucking
man that does it, okay?
1609
01:17:45,228 --> 01:17:47,194
-[laughing]
-[woman laughing]
1610
01:17:51,167 --> 01:17:53,801
I didn't expect that. [cackling]
1611
01:17:55,271 --> 01:17:57,038
-[crew member] Rolling!
-[laughing]
1612
01:17:57,040 --> 01:17:59,373
Oh, my God, I hate your laugh.
1613
01:17:59,375 --> 01:18:02,410
Hey, uh-- Sorry. Just got
my own mail, just got my--
1614
01:18:02,412 --> 01:18:04,945
[spitting] Fucking flies!
1615
01:18:06,315 --> 01:18:08,149
Just got my own mailing address.
1616
01:18:08,151 --> 01:18:11,752
I wish she had a 57 label
on his face, so I could just
1617
01:18:11,754 --> 01:18:14,755
smack-- Ow.
1618
01:18:14,757 --> 01:18:16,957
So I could just smack--
What is it?
1619
01:18:17,427 --> 01:18:20,061
Um, I still don't know how
this looks like a threesome.
1620
01:18:25,001 --> 01:18:27,001
-[laughing]
-Fuck!
1621
01:18:27,003 --> 01:18:29,737
-[yelling]
-Go for it, man!
1622
01:18:29,739 --> 01:18:33,474
Shut the fuck up and show
some fucking respect,
1623
01:18:33,476 --> 01:18:35,342
you fucking cunt!
1624
01:18:35,344 --> 01:18:37,778
[laughing]
1625
01:18:38,448 --> 01:18:40,081
I don't like when words
come out of your mouth.
1626
01:18:40,083 --> 01:18:41,716
I don't like your stupid hair!
1627
01:18:42,385 --> 01:18:43,350
Sorry.
1628
01:18:43,352 --> 01:18:44,919
[crew member yelling]
1629
01:18:44,921 --> 01:18:47,154
[both laugh]
1630
01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,457
-[crew member] Go even bigger.
-You...
1631
01:18:52,361 --> 01:18:54,462
-[agent laughing] Sorry.
-[crew members chattering]
1632
01:18:54,464 --> 01:18:56,831
[director] Let's just
start with,
"Miss Lipinski, you scored a--
1633
01:18:56,833 --> 01:18:59,900
-Mrs. Lipinski,
you scored a perfect 50."
-Yeah, let's just-- [chuckling]
1634
01:18:59,902 --> 01:19:01,802
You know what?
It might be funny,
1635
01:19:01,804 --> 01:19:03,337
but don't fucking crack up
when you're doing it.
1636
01:19:03,339 --> 01:19:04,739
-[clears throat]
-[crew members laughing]
1637
01:19:04,741 --> 01:19:06,841
Let the audience laugh.
1638
01:19:06,843 --> 01:19:09,210
Don't you start laughing
and breaking the whole
fucking scene.
1639
01:19:09,212 --> 01:19:10,478
-Robert....
-[director] Here we go.
1640
01:19:10,480 --> 01:19:12,913
...I'm just a-- I'm just
a new green actor, okay.
1641
01:19:12,915 --> 01:19:14,348
You're just a little
green horn, aren't you?
1642
01:19:14,350 --> 01:19:17,251
-Yeah.
-Love the little green horns.
1643
01:19:18,387 --> 01:19:20,421
-Really?
-You can kick me in
the balls, let's do it.
1644
01:19:21,124 --> 01:19:22,289
Just get it over with.
1645
01:19:24,861 --> 01:19:26,193
Oh, that hurt.
1646
01:19:26,929 --> 01:19:28,462
-You got me.
-Come back.
1647
01:19:28,464 --> 01:19:29,864
Fuck!
1648
01:19:32,301 --> 01:19:33,367
Whoa!
1649
01:19:35,505 --> 01:19:37,371
What the fuck is
that little thing?
1650
01:19:38,808 --> 01:19:40,074
Oh, there you are.
1651
01:19:40,076 --> 01:19:42,109
Shit, let me get
him out of here.
1652
01:19:42,111 --> 01:19:44,311
Actually, do you know what?
Do you mind if I let him finish?
1653
01:19:44,313 --> 01:19:46,847
If I don't, he's going to
be in a bad mood for weeks.
1654
01:19:46,849 --> 01:19:49,283
[mouse squealing]
1655
01:19:54,257 --> 01:19:56,123
Never mind, we're all good.
1656
01:20:01,898 --> 01:20:03,497
Stop, I don't want
to kiss anymore.
1657
01:20:06,936 --> 01:20:08,068
Let's get the fuck out of here.
1658
01:20:10,039 --> 01:20:13,040
Dammit, Lou, why did you
turn away the nice gay man.
1659
01:20:13,042 --> 01:20:16,177
Now get out of here!
I'm very disappointed
in all of you,
1660
01:20:16,179 --> 01:20:18,979
I'm going to go drink for
a while. Just be quiet.
1661
01:20:19,849 --> 01:20:22,917
I'll be back in, like, five
hours, can you put everybody
to bed, Brittany? Great.
1662
01:20:22,919 --> 01:20:25,286
¶ Thousand feet in the air
Looking up ¶
1663
01:20:25,288 --> 01:20:27,555
¶ Walking on a high wire ¶
1664
01:20:29,892 --> 01:20:32,359
¶ Don't look back
Whatever's down below ¶
1665
01:20:32,361 --> 01:20:34,995
¶ Oh, it won't help you now ¶
1666
01:20:36,899 --> 01:20:39,099
¶ Baby, playing with fire ¶
1667
01:20:39,101 --> 01:20:42,469
¶ And when you get burned
It's still better than never ¶
1668
01:20:42,471 --> 01:20:46,173
¶ Taking a turn, oh ¶
1669
01:20:48,211 --> 01:20:51,545
¶ Climb out on a limb
My darling ¶
1670
01:20:51,547 --> 01:20:55,182
¶ Bet against
The chance of falling ¶
1671
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:58,619
¶ Climb out on
A limb my darling ¶
1672
01:20:58,621 --> 01:21:02,256
¶ Don't live in
The fear of falling ¶
1673
01:21:02,258 --> 01:21:07,528
¶ Oh ¶
1674
01:21:07,530 --> 01:21:12,499
¶ You're a gold mine ¶
1675
01:21:12,501 --> 01:21:14,869
¶ No ¶
1676
01:21:14,871 --> 01:21:19,440
¶ You're a gold mine ¶
1677
01:21:19,442 --> 01:21:21,876
¶ Oh ¶
1678
01:21:21,878 --> 01:21:26,947
¶ You're a gold mine ¶
1679
01:21:26,949 --> 01:21:29,049
¶ Oh ¶
1680
01:21:29,051 --> 01:21:31,352
¶ You're a gold mine ¶