1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,000
[upbeat rock music]

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:15,000
♪ ♪

4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,179
- And now, join me

6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:18,980
in welcoming

7
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,980
the author of six number one

8
00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:21,902
"New York Times"

9
00:00:21,942 --> 00:00:22,980
best-selling books,

10
00:00:23,020 --> 00:00:23,980
the star of "Chelsea,"

11
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:24,920
"Chelsea Does,"

12
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:25,980
"Chelsea Lately,"

13
00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:27,085
and "Hello, Privilege.

14
00:00:27,125 --> 00:00:28,205
It's Me, Chelsea."

15
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,780
Please put your hands together

16
00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:31,980
for Chelsea Handler.

17
00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:34,980
d

18
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:41,980
♪ ♪

19
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:42,708
- Yeah!

20
00:00:42,748 --> 00:00:44,980
What's up, New Jersey?

21
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:46,980
[cheering]

22
00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,050
Oh, I'm so happy

23
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,000
you came out tonight with me.

24
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,240
Look at this beautiful

25
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:52,980
train station

26
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:55,980
built in 1889 for immigrants.

27
00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,980
Remember when that was cool?

28
00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:00,107
I decided to wear white

29
00:01:00,147 --> 00:01:00,980
tonight, you guys,

30
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,000
'cause I'm expecting my period.

31
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,680
Uh, before we get started...

32
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,013
Hi, hi, ladies.

33
00:01:11,053 --> 00:01:11,980
Hi, everybody.

34
00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:15,000
So nice to be out, isn't it?

35
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,980
Before we get started, I wanna

36
00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:22,980
make a serious announcement...

37
00:01:23,020 --> 00:01:24,011
to my husband,

38
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,980
if he happens to be sitting

39
00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:27,980
in this audience tonight.

40
00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:29,980
My future husband, sorry.

41
00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:31,559
I wanna dedicate this show

42
00:01:31,599 --> 00:01:31,980
to him.

43
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:33,122
But there seems to be

44
00:01:33,162 --> 00:01:33,980
a misconception,

45
00:01:34,020 --> 00:01:34,786
and I get this

46
00:01:34,826 --> 00:01:35,980
a lot from white men.

47
00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:37,062
Oh, there--here's a Black man

48
00:01:37,102 --> 00:01:37,980
and a white man together.

49
00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:38,670
Perfect.

50
00:01:38,710 --> 00:01:40,980
Let's talk to you together.

51
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:42,049
There seems to be

52
00:01:42,089 --> 00:01:42,980
a misconception

53
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,980
that I only date Black men.

54
00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:47,256
So I wanna use

55
00:01:47,296 --> 00:01:49,980
this opportunity to make a PSA

56
00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:51,067
for white men

57
00:01:51,107 --> 00:01:52,980
who are scared of women

58
00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:57,000
who have dated Black guys.

59
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:02,000
Beavers retract.

60
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,980
They don't just stay open.

61
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:13,000
They go back to simpler times.

62
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:20,735
I went through

63
00:02:20,775 --> 00:02:21,980
a really difficult time

64
00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:24,488
about three or four years ago--

65
00:02:24,528 --> 00:02:26,980
whenever the last election was.

66
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:28,433
I couldn't believe that we

67
00:02:28,473 --> 00:02:29,980
elected that fucking baboon!

68
00:02:30,020 --> 00:02:31,980
I couldn't believe it.

69
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:33,444
And when you live in

70
00:02:33,484 --> 00:02:34,980
Los Angeles, as I do,

71
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:36,206
when you're going through

72
00:02:36,246 --> 00:02:36,980
a difficult time

73
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:37,758
and you have

74
00:02:37,798 --> 00:02:38,980
high levels of rage

75
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:40,207
or outrage or anger,

76
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,980
however you want to frame it,

77
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,980
people wanna talk to you.

78
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,986
And they wanna use words

79
00:02:48,026 --> 00:02:50,980
like "manifest"...

80
00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:53,980
and "gratitude"...

81
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:56,980
and "kale."

82
00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,341
And I'm not into shit

83
00:02:58,381 --> 00:02:58,980
like that.

84
00:02:59,020 --> 00:02:59,743
I'm all for

85
00:02:59,783 --> 00:03:01,000
spiritual people--

86
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,081
or spirituality,

87
00:03:03,121 --> 00:03:03,980
I should say.

88
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:04,429
Spirituality

89
00:03:04,469 --> 00:03:04,980
is fine with me

90
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:05,861
as a component

91
00:03:05,901 --> 00:03:07,000
of your lifestyle.

92
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,980
Sure, go for it.

93
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:10,753
My problem with

94
00:03:10,793 --> 00:03:11,980
spiritual people is that

95
00:03:12,020 --> 00:03:14,662
spiritual people can sometimes

96
00:03:14,702 --> 00:03:17,000
be giant fucking assholes.

97
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,244
I feel spiritual

98
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:21,980
when I'm on mushrooms.

99
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:25,000
d

100
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,232
I'm not into rocks

101
00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:32,980
and stones and chakras

102
00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:36,980
or walking into Whole Foods,

103
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:40,163
hearing phrases like

104
00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:43,980
"artisanal deodorant"...

105
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:45,980
or "micro panic attack."

106
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,483
It's like, fuck you!

107
00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:51,980
That's a micro panic attack.

108
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:53,980
Los Angeles is a tricky place

109
00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:55,107
if you're going through

110
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:55,980
a vulnerable time.

111
00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:57,580
And if you're not careful,

112
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,196
you could end up at one of

113
00:04:00,236 --> 00:04:01,980
those silent retreats

114
00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:05,980
in the woods of Topanga Canyon,

115
00:04:06,020 --> 00:04:08,330
finger blasting yourself

116
00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:10,000
all weekend long.

117
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,098
[voice breaking]

118
00:04:13,138 --> 00:04:14,980
That's what happened to me.

119
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,117
I had a girlfriend who came

120
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:17,980
to visit me

121
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:19,441
from high school,

122
00:04:19,481 --> 00:04:21,000
from Nueva Jersey.

123
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,334
That's Spanish

124
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:27,980
for "New Jersey."

125
00:04:28,020 --> 00:04:29,487
[laughs]

126
00:04:29,527 --> 00:04:31,000
De nada.

127
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,130
Any other questions

128
00:04:33,170 --> 00:04:34,010
about Spanish?

129
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:36,864
And she was hanging out

130
00:04:36,904 --> 00:04:37,980
with me for a couple of days,

131
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:40,097
and after hanging out with her,

132
00:04:40,137 --> 00:04:40,980
I said, yeah,

133
00:04:41,020 --> 00:04:42,623
I would be willing to go

134
00:04:42,663 --> 00:04:44,000
to a silent retreat.

135
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:47,980
And we went.

136
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:48,933
And it was exactly

137
00:04:48,973 --> 00:04:49,980
what I had imagined.

138
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:51,527
It was in the woods

139
00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:52,980
of Topanga Canyon.

140
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:54,698
And we get there and there's

141
00:04:54,738 --> 00:04:55,980
just girls everywhere

142
00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:58,980
and Lululemon everywhere.

143
00:04:59,020 --> 00:05:02,980
Leggings and deep stretching

144
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:04,980
for no reason.

145
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:05,757
A lot of

146
00:05:05,797 --> 00:05:07,980
room-temperature water.

147
00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:09,980
That annoys me.

148
00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:11,691
As if water could get

149
00:05:11,731 --> 00:05:12,980
any more boring,

150
00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,756
let's heat that shit up

151
00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:16,000
and hand it out.

152
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:18,831
And there were

153
00:05:18,871 --> 00:05:19,980
three veterinarians

154
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:20,980
alone in a circle.

155
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:22,073
I'm like,

156
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,980
that's suspicious to me.

157
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,623
I don't like to see vets

158
00:05:26,663 --> 00:05:27,980
out of office, okay.

159
00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:30,328
And not running in packs,

160
00:05:30,368 --> 00:05:30,980
either.

161
00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:32,980
I have a problem with vets.

162
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:33,364
I respect, like,

163
00:05:33,404 --> 00:05:33,980
what they're trying to do.

164
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,980
Like, the intention's nice.

165
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:36,670
Oh, you wanna

166
00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:37,980
work with animals, great.

167
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:38,980
They're just too vague.

168
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:40,749
All of their answers

169
00:05:40,789 --> 00:05:41,980
are too vague.

170
00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:42,552
I've had too many

171
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:42,980
rescue dogs--

172
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:44,005
I've had seven or eight--

173
00:05:44,045 --> 00:05:44,980
and I've brought them in

174
00:05:45,020 --> 00:05:46,458
every single time

175
00:05:46,498 --> 00:05:48,980
to find out how old they are.

176
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:50,168
And no matter

177
00:05:50,208 --> 00:05:51,980
what vet I'm seeing,

178
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:52,980
the answer is the same.

179
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,231
"They're somewhere between

180
00:05:56,271 --> 00:05:59,000
the ages of 4 and 12."

181
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,980
What kind of answer is that?

182
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:06,209
What kind of margin of error--

183
00:06:06,249 --> 00:06:07,980
are you a doctor or not?

184
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,814
You can tell--we know

185
00:06:09,854 --> 00:06:11,980
that kangaroos were alive

186
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:13,980
on the island of Australia

187
00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:16,980
25 million years ago

188
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,980
because of a half of a tooth.

189
00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:22,625
And you can't tell me how old

190
00:06:22,665 --> 00:06:24,980
this fuckin' chow chow is?

191
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:26,399
I mean, honestly,

192
00:06:26,439 --> 00:06:28,000
go fuck yourselves.

193
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:31,601
So anyway,

194
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,980
we're at this retreat,

195
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:34,515
and I was already--you know,

196
00:06:34,555 --> 00:06:35,980
I already have the attitude

197
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:36,980
that I'm not into this stuff,

198
00:06:37,020 --> 00:06:37,955
but I was trying

199
00:06:37,995 --> 00:06:38,980
to be open-minded

200
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,159
because of the level

201
00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:40,980
of my outrage.

202
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:42,717
So then I heard that there was

203
00:06:42,757 --> 00:06:44,077
gonna be a sound bath.

204
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,980
I didn't know--in the woods.

205
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:47,724
I didn't know

206
00:06:47,764 --> 00:06:48,980
what a sound bath was.

207
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,093
I thought, oh,

208
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:52,000
DJs will shower with us.

209
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:57,980
And we go up to the woods

210
00:06:58,020 --> 00:06:58,768
and there's

211
00:06:58,808 --> 00:06:59,980
more stretching--

212
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:00,881
you know,

213
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,980
camel toe everywhere.

214
00:07:03,020 --> 00:07:04,980
So annoying.

215
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:06,122
Kale chips--I'm like,

216
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:07,122
it's 85 degrees.

217
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:08,732
Who wants to

218
00:07:08,772 --> 00:07:10,000
suck on a kale chip?

219
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:11,921
And then I saw a ukulele.

220
00:07:11,961 --> 00:07:12,980
I'm like, oh, no, you don't.

221
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:13,933
Okay, I know that is

222
00:07:13,973 --> 00:07:14,980
gonna end up somewhere

223
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,000
that I'm not gonna like, okay.

224
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,095
This is g--classic, classic

225
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,000
finger blasting setting.

226
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,480
Fool me once,

227
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:25,980
shame on you.

228
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:27,224
Fool me twice,

229
00:07:27,264 --> 00:07:29,000
shame on my Pikachu.

230
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:32,705
So I walked out,

231
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:33,980
and I found some other girl.

232
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,988
I left the woods and I'm like,

233
00:07:36,028 --> 00:07:37,980
"Hey, you, what's--what's up?"

234
00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:40,980
Who's got drugs?"

235
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,188
And she's like, "W-well,

236
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:42,980
we're having a--

237
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:44,248
"we're having a ceremony

238
00:07:44,288 --> 00:07:44,980
tomorrow night

239
00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,980
"with--with toad venom,

240
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:50,000
And it's called 5-DME-OT."

241
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,150
And I was like, "Okay, well,

242
00:07:52,190 --> 00:07:52,980
I'll take mine now."

243
00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:56,000
[laughter]

244
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,980
Let's party.

245
00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:02,209
And she said, "It's not really

246
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:02,980
that kind of drug."

247
00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:03,678
I'm like, "Listen, bitch,

248
00:08:03,718 --> 00:08:03,980
I'll decide

249
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:06,980
what kind of drug this is."

250
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,201
Now, I understand

251
00:08:08,241 --> 00:08:09,980
some people are not built

252
00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:11,057
for drugs and alcohol,

253
00:08:11,097 --> 00:08:11,980
and I respect that.

254
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:13,188
I don't ever want to get

255
00:08:13,228 --> 00:08:13,980
anybody involved

256
00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:15,008
with drugs and alcohol

257
00:08:15,048 --> 00:08:15,980
that can't handle it,

258
00:08:16,020 --> 00:08:18,980
but I believe that I am.

259
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,582
I believe that I'm built

260
00:08:20,622 --> 00:08:21,980
for the apocalypse...

261
00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:25,000
which, by the way, we're in.

262
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:26,980
I've done every drug.

263
00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,018
I've experimented

264
00:08:28,058 --> 00:08:28,980
with everything.

265
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,428
Unless there's a new drug

266
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:31,980
that came out this morning,

267
00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:34,000
I've tried it.

268
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:35,980
I did a special on Netflix.

269
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:37,039
I went down to Peru

270
00:08:37,079 --> 00:08:38,099
and did ayahuasca

271
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,980
on camera with a shaman,

272
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:41,738
and they said,

273
00:08:41,778 --> 00:08:42,980
"No, you can't do that.

274
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:44,395
People vomit

275
00:08:44,435 --> 00:08:46,980
and shit their pants."

276
00:08:47,020 --> 00:08:49,980
I was like, "I won't.

277
00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:51,395
I won't do that.

278
00:08:51,435 --> 00:08:53,000
I'm too advanced."

279
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,446
I'm like, "You think I'm gonna

280
00:08:55,486 --> 00:08:55,980
ruin a buzz

281
00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:56,980
"by defecating on myself?

282
00:08:57,020 --> 00:09:00,151
Never is that going

283
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,980
to happen."

284
00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:03,792
I took my SATs

285
00:09:03,832 --> 00:09:05,980
tripping on acid.

286
00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:06,980
I didn't get into college,

287
00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:09,246
but I had a great time

288
00:09:09,286 --> 00:09:11,000
taking that test.

289
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,800
And I've never had a bad time.

290
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:19,843
Like, you know somebody--

291
00:09:19,883 --> 00:09:19,980
oh--

292
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:21,412
everybody always has

293
00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:22,980
a bad time with drugs.

294
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:23,929
There's always a girl in

295
00:09:23,969 --> 00:09:25,589
the corner for eight hours,

296
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,980
like... [gibbers]

297
00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:28,980
That's never me.

298
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:30,605
Okay, I've had never

299
00:09:30,645 --> 00:09:31,980
a bad experience.

300
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,117
Nothing that I would frame

301
00:09:33,157 --> 00:09:33,980
as negative, anyway.

302
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,676
The one time--one time, I had

303
00:09:36,716 --> 00:09:38,980
a questionable experience

304
00:09:39,020 --> 00:09:40,174
was when cannabis--

305
00:09:40,214 --> 00:09:41,980
this was, like, 15 years ago,

306
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:42,867
before cannabis

307
00:09:42,907 --> 00:09:43,980
was the way it was,

308
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:47,980
before there were labels.

309
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:49,404
And a man had given me

310
00:09:49,444 --> 00:09:49,980
a cookie.

311
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:51,980
And I ate that cookie.

312
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:53,985
And I thought I was

313
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:55,980
at a movie theater.

314
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:58,019
And when the movie ended, I got

315
00:09:58,059 --> 00:09:59,980
up to leave the movie theater,

316
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,716
only to find out

317
00:10:01,756 --> 00:10:04,000
I was on an airplane.

318
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,980
That was shocking.

319
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:11,980
'Cause I didn't just get up;

320
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:15,980
I got my shit together.

321
00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:16,834
I got my coat,

322
00:10:16,874 --> 00:10:17,980
and it had a belt--

323
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:19,980
it must have been winter.

324
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,420
And then I got my bag

325
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:22,980
out of the overhead bin

326
00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:25,527
and pulled it down as if that's

327
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,980
how you leave a movie theater.

328
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:28,592
It never occurred to me

329
00:10:28,632 --> 00:10:28,980
this isn't what

330
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:29,769
you've ever done

331
00:10:29,809 --> 00:10:31,309
leaving a theater before.

332
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:32,980
I just--it was rote.

333
00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:33,291
I was like,

334
00:10:33,331 --> 00:10:33,980
"Oh, I better get my bag.

335
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:35,980
I better get my things."

336
00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:38,980
And then I was like, yeah.

337
00:10:39,020 --> 00:10:39,720
Up the aisle to--

338
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:40,980
straight to the little window

339
00:10:41,020 --> 00:10:42,145
that you look out

340
00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:43,980
if you're trying to escape.

341
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:44,798
And I'm looking at

342
00:10:44,838 --> 00:10:45,980
the other passengers like,

343
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,360
what are these idiots

344
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,000
waiting for, the credits?

345
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,793
I was staring out

346
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,333
that little bagel window,

347
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:55,980
you know, like, wha--

348
00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:57,820
and then I feel tap, tap, tap.

349
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:58,862
And I turn around, and

350
00:10:58,902 --> 00:11:00,582
the flight attendant's like,

351
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,087
"Sweetie, there are three more

352
00:11:03,127 --> 00:11:05,000
hours left on this flight."

353
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,500
And I was like, "I know."

354
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,780
I was like, "I'm going

355
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:13,980
to the bathroom to change."

356
00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:14,673
Just layered on my lies.

357
00:11:14,713 --> 00:11:14,980
I was like,

358
00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:16,144
"Hoo, yum--

359
00:11:16,184 --> 00:11:18,980
you're not gonna shame me."

360
00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:20,127
And then I walked up

361
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:21,067
to the bathroom

362
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,000
and shoved my suitcase inside.

363
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:25,767
Apparently not only

364
00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:26,980
was I not at a movie theater,

365
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,292
I had never flown

366
00:11:28,332 --> 00:11:29,980
on an airplane before,

367
00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,141
and knowing that you can't

368
00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:31,980
bring your suitcase

369
00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:33,320
into that little

370
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,980
urine-soaked wet box

371
00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:37,773
and change your outfit,

372
00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:38,980
but I did.

373
00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:40,039
I put on a tube top

374
00:11:40,079 --> 00:11:40,980
to prove a point.

375
00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:42,892
And I walked back out

376
00:11:42,932 --> 00:11:44,980
with my head held high.

377
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:45,612
I was like,

378
00:11:45,652 --> 00:11:46,980
do not make eye contact!

379
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:50,000
You are a queen!

380
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,910
I sat back down in my seat,

381
00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:58,980
and I was like,

382
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:00,980
"Hmm, what's next?"

383
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,261
It's like, this is like

384
00:12:02,301 --> 00:12:02,980
an adventure.

385
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:06,980
I wonder where I'm going.

386
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:08,801
And who's gonna pick me up

387
00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:09,980
when I get there?

388
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,942
And then I put in another

389
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,980
movie, and I watched that.

390
00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:14,628
And when that ended,

391
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:14,980
I was like,

392
00:12:15,020 --> 00:12:16,980
"Do not get up, bitch."

393
00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:17,980
It's like, "Do not get up."

394
00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:18,431
And then I wrote

395
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,671
on a piece of paper,

396
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,000
"You are on a plane."

397
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,303
It's not like you can look over

398
00:12:27,343 --> 00:12:27,980
at your neighbor

399
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:30,980
and be like, "Hey...

400
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:32,444
speaking of nothing,

401
00:12:32,484 --> 00:12:34,000
where are we headed?"

402
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,165
Anyway, so, that was the worst

403
00:12:38,205 --> 00:12:39,980
experience I've ever had,

404
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,277
and I would frame that

405
00:12:41,317 --> 00:12:41,980
as a B-plus.

406
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:43,224
So I'm back at the retreat

407
00:12:43,264 --> 00:12:43,980
and this woman--

408
00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:46,062
I don't remember her name,

409
00:12:46,102 --> 00:12:47,980
who had the toad venom--

410
00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:51,000
um, we'll call her Sierra Mist.

411
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,980
So she and I are walking down

412
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,404
to this, like, cottage

413
00:12:55,444 --> 00:12:55,980
to do it,

414
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:56,825
and then this other

415
00:12:56,865 --> 00:12:57,980
dipsy doodle comes running

416
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:58,517
out of the bushes

417
00:12:58,557 --> 00:12:58,980
and she's like,

418
00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,980
"Are you guys getting high?"

419
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:02,980
I'm like, "Back the fuck up."

420
00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:03,670
First of all,

421
00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:04,980
I don't like interlopers,

422
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:06,980
you know what I mean?

423
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:07,614
I don't wanna do drugs

424
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:07,980
with somebody

425
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:08,980
if it's their first time.

426
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:10,631
I don't have time

427
00:13:10,671 --> 00:13:11,980
for that shit.

428
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:13,210
And a lot of people

429
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:13,980
depend on me

430
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:15,456
because I'm kind of like

431
00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:16,980
a pharmacological intuit.

432
00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:17,880
Like, I could look

433
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,240
at you and say, "Okay,

434
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,680
"you're gonna thrive on

435
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:20,980
this drug,

436
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:21,989
"you're gonna do

437
00:13:22,029 --> 00:13:22,980
better on Xanax,

438
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:23,980
"you might prefer a Vicodin,

439
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,980
you might like an Adderall."

440
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:26,803
Like, I can tell

441
00:13:26,843 --> 00:13:27,980
by looking at your body

442
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:28,515
and talking to you

443
00:13:28,555 --> 00:13:28,980
for five minutes

444
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:30,852
what drug you are going

445
00:13:30,892 --> 00:13:32,000
to respond to.

446
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:33,922
Don't talk to me about

447
00:13:33,962 --> 00:13:34,980
melatonin either, people.

448
00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:36,980
Okay?

449
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:39,980
Melatonin is for beginners.

450
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:40,405
Talk to me after

451
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:41,765
you've taken an Ambien

452
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:42,695
and woken up at

453
00:13:42,735 --> 00:13:43,980
a Harrah's blackjack table,

454
00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:44,497
$500 up,

455
00:13:44,537 --> 00:13:45,980
with your eyeshades on.

456
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,457
Then you can talk to me

457
00:13:47,497 --> 00:13:49,000
about fuckin' melatonin.

458
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,496
So a lot of people know this

459
00:13:54,536 --> 00:13:54,980
about me.

460
00:13:55,020 --> 00:13:56,020
Like, my sister,

461
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:56,980
she had trouble

462
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:58,290
making speeches at work,

463
00:13:58,330 --> 00:13:59,980
'cause she would get dry mouth.

464
00:14:00,020 --> 00:14:01,828
So I prescribed her

465
00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:02,980
propranolol.

466
00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:04,980
That's a beta blocker.

467
00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:06,515
I said, "Take one 30 minutes

468
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:07,980
before you speak publicly."

469
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:11,000
She's been promoted twice.

470
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:17,980
She called me.

471
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:18,980
She's like, "Thank God we have

472
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,980
a doctor in the family."

473
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:22,980
Magnesium O7 by Aerobic Life

474
00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:24,065
for women who have trouble

475
00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:24,980
going to the bathroom.

476
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:25,980
A lot of women have trouble

477
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:26,665
going to the bathroom

478
00:14:26,705 --> 00:14:26,980
every day.

479
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:28,389
If you take three of those

480
00:14:28,429 --> 00:14:28,980
every night

481
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:30,081
for three nights,

482
00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:30,980
you would have

483
00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:31,744
solid shidoobees

484
00:14:31,784 --> 00:14:32,980
for the rest of your life.

485
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:33,854
If you take four,

486
00:14:33,894 --> 00:14:34,980
you will get diarrhea.

487
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:35,986
Some girls like that.

488
00:14:36,026 --> 00:14:36,980
If you do, take four.

489
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:38,980
You'll get it.

490
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:40,987
Doxycycline will kill anything

491
00:14:41,027 --> 00:14:41,980
in your system.

492
00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:44,980
I mean, acne and malaria.

493
00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:46,083
Two doxycycline

494
00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:47,980
twice a day for ten days--

495
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:48,980
never on an empty stomach.

496
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,980
You'll vomit, okay?

497
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,057
It will knock anything

498
00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:52,980
out of your system.

499
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,487
I take one every morning

500
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,000
just not to fuck around.

501
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:58,980
But I looked at this girl,

502
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:00,909
this other 7UP Light girl

503
00:15:00,949 --> 00:15:02,980
that came out of the woods,

504
00:15:03,020 --> 00:15:03,989
and I could tell

505
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:04,980
by her body type

506
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,559
that I didn't want her

507
00:15:06,599 --> 00:15:07,980
to rain on my party.

508
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,433
And a lot of people think,

509
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:10,980
oh, heavier or taller people

510
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:11,586
can handle

511
00:15:11,626 --> 00:15:12,980
more drugs and alcohol.

512
00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:14,980
That is not true either.

513
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:15,535
It's those skinny

514
00:15:15,575 --> 00:15:15,980
little bitches

515
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,980
you have to watch out for,

516
00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:19,468
the ones who can

517
00:15:19,508 --> 00:15:19,980
do coke all night

518
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:20,836
and then take one of

519
00:15:20,876 --> 00:15:21,980
those Lime scooters to work

520
00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:22,980
in the morning.

521
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:25,980
[laughter]

522
00:15:26,020 --> 00:15:27,018
So I ixnayed her.

523
00:15:27,058 --> 00:15:27,980
I said, "Listen,

524
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:29,514
I'm gonna do this, sweetie,

525
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,980
and I'll get back to you."

526
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:32,580
So I go down with Sierra,

527
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:33,980
we go to this cottage,

528
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:34,953
and she's like,

529
00:15:34,993 --> 00:15:35,980
"Okay, you know,

530
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:37,186
this is gonna be

531
00:15:37,226 --> 00:15:38,980
about 10 or 12 minutes."

532
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,980
And I'm like, "Huh? What?"

533
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,085
Like, "That's not fun,

534
00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:42,980
10 or 12 minutes."

535
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:43,753
And she's like,

536
00:15:43,793 --> 00:15:44,980
"Well, if you can han--"

537
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:45,545
I go, "Just give me

538
00:15:45,585 --> 00:15:45,980
a double dose."

539
00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:47,161
And she said, "No,

540
00:15:47,201 --> 00:15:48,980
why don't you try it first?"

541
00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:49,275
She says,

542
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:50,635
"It's transcendental,"

543
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:51,980
is the word that she used.

544
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:54,980
So I was already bored.

545
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,084
And then she said,

546
00:15:56,124 --> 00:15:57,980
"You need to set an intention."

547
00:15:58,020 --> 00:15:58,647
I was like...

548
00:15:58,687 --> 00:15:59,980
[chuckles] "I don't care."

549
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,027
You know, "Why don't you

550
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:01,980
set one for me, okay?"

551
00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:02,750
And she said,

552
00:16:02,790 --> 00:16:03,980
"You need to set it."

553
00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:04,713
I'm like,

554
00:16:04,753 --> 00:16:06,980
"To be less of a cunt, okay?

555
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:07,980
"Is that an intention?

556
00:16:08,020 --> 00:16:09,792
'Cause I would

557
00:16:09,832 --> 00:16:11,980
like to do that."

558
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:12,455
So I take a hit,

559
00:16:12,495 --> 00:16:12,980
and it's in, like,

560
00:16:13,020 --> 00:16:15,484
a little crack pipe,

561
00:16:15,524 --> 00:16:16,980
or whatever.

562
00:16:17,020 --> 00:16:17,892
I take a hit,

563
00:16:17,932 --> 00:16:19,980
and it's immediately terrible.

564
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,760
Like, the most terrible thi--

565
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,206
dark, swirly greens

566
00:16:23,246 --> 00:16:23,980
and purples.

567
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:24,931
It was like I was

568
00:16:24,971 --> 00:16:25,980
on a roller coaster

569
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:27,098
and my head was in a vice

570
00:16:27,138 --> 00:16:27,980
and I couldn't move.

571
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,422
And then I open my eye;

572
00:16:29,462 --> 00:16:29,980
I'm like,

573
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:30,699
"Oh, fuck.

574
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:31,980
She's still here."

575
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:32,929
I was like, "Mm,

576
00:16:32,969 --> 00:16:33,980
I don't like this,

577
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:34,545
I don't like this,"

578
00:16:34,585 --> 00:16:35,485
and I was like,

579
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:36,980
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're--

580
00:16:37,020 --> 00:16:38,980
"you're gonna pass away today.

581
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:39,340
Oh, that's

582
00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:39,980
what's happening."

583
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:40,798
And then I'm like,

584
00:16:40,838 --> 00:16:41,980
"No, don't be so dramatic.

585
00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:42,966
"You're not gonna pass away.

586
00:16:43,006 --> 00:16:43,980
You've received brain damage,

587
00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:44,771
"but you're already

588
00:16:44,811 --> 00:16:45,980
a little bit on the spectrum,

589
00:16:46,020 --> 00:16:47,980
so don't even worry, like"--

590
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:49,256
not that people on the spectrum

591
00:16:49,296 --> 00:16:49,980
have brain damage,

592
00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:51,987
but I definitely have it,

593
00:16:52,027 --> 00:16:53,980
and I'm on some spectrum.

594
00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:55,063
So I'm sitting there,

595
00:16:55,103 --> 00:16:55,980
and I am sweating,

596
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:57,072
like, just drenched

597
00:16:57,112 --> 00:16:58,072
in my own sweat.

598
00:16:59,000 --> 00:16:59,544
And so I'm ripping

599
00:16:59,584 --> 00:16:59,980
my clothes off

600
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,283
and I'm hyperventilating

601
00:17:01,323 --> 00:17:01,980
and I'm like,

602
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:02,536
"Oh, don't say anything,

603
00:17:02,576 --> 00:17:02,980
don't say anything."

604
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:04,171
And when I couldn't

605
00:17:04,211 --> 00:17:04,980
wait anymore,

606
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:05,263
I was like,

607
00:17:05,303 --> 00:17:06,983
"You have to make this stop.

608
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,980
I'm in a matrix."

609
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:09,642
And she puts her hand

610
00:17:09,682 --> 00:17:09,980
on my chest

611
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,861
in between my naked boobs

612
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:12,980
and she's like,

613
00:17:13,020 --> 00:17:15,920
"It's okay.

614
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:16,980
Shh.

615
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:17,881
You're in

616
00:17:17,921 --> 00:17:19,980
a parallel universe."

617
00:17:20,020 --> 00:17:20,850
I was like, "Bitch,

618
00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:21,980
I don't have any Bitcoin.

619
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:24,000
Get me out of there."

620
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:26,530
And finally, I started

621
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:26,980
to come out of it,

622
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,064
and I was so, first of all,

623
00:17:29,104 --> 00:17:29,980
embarrassed,

624
00:17:30,020 --> 00:17:33,000
'cause I was nude...

625
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:34,666
And that I had

626
00:17:34,706 --> 00:17:35,980
just lost complete control.

627
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:37,980
I was like, "Oh, my God."

628
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:38,498
And I open my eyes

629
00:17:38,538 --> 00:17:39,558
and I look at her

630
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,480
and I look down at my body

631
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,080
and I was completely nude.

632
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:44,636
And I had forgotten that,

633
00:17:44,676 --> 00:17:45,456
that morning,

634
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:46,980
I had put on nude underwear.

635
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,430
So when I looked down,

636
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:51,980
I just saw a bald bump.

637
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:52,980
And I was like,

638
00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:56,980
"You shaved my beaver.

639
00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:58,810
I knew something like that

640
00:17:58,850 --> 00:18:01,000
was gonna happen this weekend."

641
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:09,850
And then I had to

642
00:18:09,890 --> 00:18:10,980
get my stuff together,

643
00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:12,272
like with the walk of shame

644
00:18:12,312 --> 00:18:12,980
in the morning.

645
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:14,980
Like, turning away from her

646
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,261
when she's already seen

647
00:18:16,301 --> 00:18:16,980
my nude body.

648
00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:18,085
I'm, like, covering myself,

649
00:18:18,125 --> 00:18:18,980
picking up my clothes.

650
00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:21,385
And then I'm like,

651
00:18:21,425 --> 00:18:22,980
"Thank you."

652
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:23,980
'Cause that's what girls do.

653
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:24,980
We say thank you

654
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,159
even when we've had

655
00:18:27,199 --> 00:18:29,000
a terrible time.

656
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:32,653
So I did it two more times,

657
00:18:32,693 --> 00:18:32,980
and I'm like,

658
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:36,980
"I definitely don't like this."

659
00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:38,737
And then my curiosity

660
00:18:38,777 --> 00:18:40,980
had reached its conclusion.

661
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,455
And I figured it was time

662
00:18:42,495 --> 00:18:43,980
to go to a real therapist.

663
00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:44,980
I needed to talk to somebody,

664
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:46,404
but I was embarrassed that

665
00:18:46,444 --> 00:18:47,980
I needed to talk to somebody.

666
00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:49,336
I had seen doctors

667
00:18:49,376 --> 00:18:50,980
and therapists before,

668
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:52,573
but never with the intention

669
00:18:52,613 --> 00:18:53,980
of, like, fixing anything

670
00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:55,980
that really ran deep, you know.

671
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:57,766
I didn't have the mental

672
00:18:57,806 --> 00:18:59,980
equipment to let anyone see me

673
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:00,446
for anything other

674
00:19:00,486 --> 00:19:00,980
than what I'd become,

675
00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:02,980
which was strong.

676
00:19:03,020 --> 00:19:03,980
And because of that strength,

677
00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:05,247
I wasn't about to sit

678
00:19:05,287 --> 00:19:06,980
in a doctor's office and cry.

679
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,336
Crying for other people--

680
00:19:08,376 --> 00:19:08,980
my friends--

681
00:19:09,020 --> 00:19:09,980
about their problems, sure.

682
00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:11,257
But crying for myself

683
00:19:11,297 --> 00:19:12,017
about myself

684
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,217
was absolutely

685
00:19:14,257 --> 00:19:15,980
out of the question.

686
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:16,769
So I sat down--

687
00:19:16,809 --> 00:19:17,980
this guy's name is Dan,

688
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:19,297
he's a psychiatrist--

689
00:19:19,337 --> 00:19:19,980
and I said,

690
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:20,849
"Hey, listen, I have

691
00:19:20,889 --> 00:19:21,980
a lot of anger and outrage

692
00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:22,933
"about Donald Trump,

693
00:19:22,973 --> 00:19:23,980
and people are running

694
00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,980
"when they see me coming.

695
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,909
Like, I'm losing friends.

696
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,000
I'm losing family members."

697
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:31,549
And he said,

698
00:19:31,589 --> 00:19:32,980
"Okay, let's talk about that."

699
00:19:33,020 --> 00:19:35,172
I said, "Well, I travel a lot.

700
00:19:35,212 --> 00:19:36,980
So I'm in airports a lot.

701
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:37,858
"And I check in to

702
00:19:37,898 --> 00:19:38,980
the first-class lounge,

703
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:41,280
"and then I immediately go over

704
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,980
to the Fox News section

705
00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:44,980
and start going off on people."

706
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:46,980
I'm like, "You fuckin' racist!"

707
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:47,980
And then I run out.

708
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,195
And then I come back

709
00:19:49,235 --> 00:19:49,980
and I'm like,

710
00:19:50,020 --> 00:19:50,864
"Do you have a daughter

711
00:19:50,904 --> 00:19:51,980
that doesn't have any rights?

712
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,980
'Cause she won't."

713
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:54,706
And then I run back in;

714
00:19:54,746 --> 00:19:54,980
I'm like,

715
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:57,000
"Are you still a racist?"

716
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:04,625
And Dan is

717
00:20:04,665 --> 00:20:05,980
really understanding,

718
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,320
and he's like, "Hey, it's

719
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:08,980
a really tricky time right now.

720
00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:11,980
"Emotions are high.

721
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:13,235
You know, a lot of people

722
00:20:13,275 --> 00:20:14,175
are enervated."

723
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,048
And I said, "Dan, I went

724
00:20:16,088 --> 00:20:16,980
to the airport today,

725
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:20,000
and I didn't have a flight."

726
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,117
I told him that, you know,

727
00:20:26,157 --> 00:20:26,980
before the election,

728
00:20:27,020 --> 00:20:28,980
my biggest privileged decision

729
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,737
was whether or not

730
00:20:30,777 --> 00:20:32,980
to install a waterslide

731
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,013
off of my bedroom balcony

732
00:20:35,053 --> 00:20:35,980
into my pool

733
00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:37,145
for the next time

734
00:20:37,185 --> 00:20:39,000
my friends and I did molly.

735
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:43,831
And then I told him,

736
00:20:43,871 --> 00:20:44,980
the day after the election,

737
00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:45,858
I'm driving around

738
00:20:45,898 --> 00:20:46,980
the streets of Bel Air,

739
00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:47,670
where I live,

740
00:20:47,710 --> 00:20:49,210
passing out water bottles

741
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,480
and blankets to the Mexican

742
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,980
workers in my neighborhood,

743
00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:55,980
going, "You belong here!"

744
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:57,083
And them looking at me like,

745
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:57,980
"We're not all illegal,

746
00:20:58,020 --> 00:21:02,000
you racist bitch."

747
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,980
Cheers.

748
00:21:13,020 --> 00:21:14,310
I told him I had read this book

749
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:14,980
by Viktor Frankl

750
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:15,529
called

751
00:21:15,569 --> 00:21:17,980
"Man's Search for Meaning,"

752
00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:18,953
and in the book

753
00:21:18,993 --> 00:21:19,980
there was a line

754
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:20,980
that made me put the book down.

755
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:22,980
And the line said,

756
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:23,795
"Stop thinking about

757
00:21:23,835 --> 00:21:24,980
"what you expect out of life,

758
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:27,653
and start thinking about

759
00:21:27,693 --> 00:21:30,980
what life expects out of you."

760
00:21:31,020 --> 00:21:32,980
And I was like, "Wait, what?"

761
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:34,008
I'd never thought about what

762
00:21:34,048 --> 00:21:34,980
life was expecting from me.

763
00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:36,444
I was thinking about

764
00:21:36,484 --> 00:21:37,980
what I was gonna get,

765
00:21:38,020 --> 00:21:40,012
always about me and my family

766
00:21:40,052 --> 00:21:40,980
and my friends

767
00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:41,980
and my homes, my vacations.

768
00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:43,980
I was taking, taking, taking,

769
00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:44,826
without thinking

770
00:21:44,866 --> 00:21:45,980
about my contribution.

771
00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:47,552
And I told Dan, I said,

772
00:21:47,592 --> 00:21:48,980
"I have to do better.

773
00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:50,772
I wanna do better; I need

774
00:21:50,812 --> 00:21:52,980
somebody to help me do better."

775
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:53,203
I said,

776
00:21:53,243 --> 00:21:54,743
"But I feel so hopeless."

777
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:55,980
I mean, I had just read

778
00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:56,980
an article that morning

779
00:21:57,020 --> 00:21:58,354
that men were

780
00:21:58,394 --> 00:22:01,000
masturbating into plants.

781
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,980
That's happening.

782
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:06,980
When did that start, you guys?

783
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:08,010
Wha--please stand up

784
00:22:08,050 --> 00:22:08,980
if you've done that

785
00:22:09,020 --> 00:22:10,980
and explain it.

786
00:22:11,020 --> 00:22:12,980
Please, please get up.

787
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:15,135
If somebody's done that here,

788
00:22:15,175 --> 00:22:16,980
you need to come forward.

789
00:22:17,020 --> 00:22:19,980
Why did that start?

790
00:22:20,020 --> 00:22:20,980
I mean, honestly, guys,

791
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:22,485
only a man would

792
00:22:22,525 --> 00:22:23,980
do such a thing.

793
00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:25,980
Poor plants.

794
00:22:26,020 --> 00:22:26,190
I mean,

795
00:22:26,230 --> 00:22:26,980
they've been sitting around

796
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,320
for how many millions of

797
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:29,980
millennia, minding their own--

798
00:22:30,020 --> 00:22:31,980
giving us air to breathe.

799
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:33,951
And then cavemen come running

800
00:22:33,991 --> 00:22:35,980
along with their dicks waving,

801
00:22:36,020 --> 00:22:37,233
and plants are like,

802
00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:37,980
"Oh, my God.

803
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:38,980
"What is gonna happen now?

804
00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:41,051
Are we gonna get

805
00:22:41,091 --> 00:22:42,980
ejaculated on?"

806
00:22:43,020 --> 00:22:43,515
I mean, talk about

807
00:22:43,555 --> 00:22:44,515
picking a victim

808
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,980
that can't get away.

809
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:48,980
Sickos.

810
00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:49,650
Only a man would see a plant

811
00:22:49,690 --> 00:22:49,980
and be like...

812
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:51,980
[grunting]

813
00:22:52,020 --> 00:22:52,980
Only a man would do that.

814
00:22:53,020 --> 00:22:55,000
No woman has ever done it.

815
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,680
In the history of the world,

816
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,395
no woman is like,

817
00:22:59,435 --> 00:23:00,980
"Where's a cactus?"

818
00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:01,980
Never!

819
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:04,000
Never ever, ever.

820
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:05,980
Not one time.

821
00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:07,319
I'm willing to vouch

822
00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:09,000
for all women everywhere.

823
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,179
Not in the history

824
00:23:13,219 --> 00:23:13,980
of the world

825
00:23:14,020 --> 00:23:15,986
or in the future history

826
00:23:16,026 --> 00:23:16,980
of the world

827
00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:18,334
will a woman ever have

828
00:23:18,374 --> 00:23:19,980
said that she has done that

829
00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:23,980
or will we catch one doing it.

830
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:24,670
That was

831
00:23:24,710 --> 00:23:27,000
a disappointing revelation.

832
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:28,980
I mean, and it's not like

833
00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:29,980
women don't get turned on

834
00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:31,422
at inappropriate times,

835
00:23:31,462 --> 00:23:31,980
you guys.

836
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:33,980
We do.

837
00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:34,744
I get a manicure

838
00:23:34,784 --> 00:23:35,980
and a pedicure every week.

839
00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:36,686
And she does

840
00:23:36,726 --> 00:23:37,980
that forearm massage--

841
00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:39,605
this spot right here

842
00:23:39,645 --> 00:23:40,980
is my sweet spot.

843
00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:41,900
That's--when somebody

844
00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:42,980
touches that, I'm like...

845
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:44,980
[moaning lightly]

846
00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:45,706
I get--like, I flutter,

847
00:23:45,746 --> 00:23:46,286
you know,

848
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:47,597
my eyes start to twitch,

849
00:23:47,637 --> 00:23:47,980
and I'm like...

850
00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:49,980
[moans]

851
00:23:50,020 --> 00:23:50,530
And then I'm like,

852
00:23:50,570 --> 00:23:50,980
open your eyes.

853
00:23:51,020 --> 00:23:51,980
You're at a nail salon.

854
00:23:52,020 --> 00:23:53,980
You can't do that right now.

855
00:23:54,020 --> 00:23:55,259
You're in public,

856
00:23:55,299 --> 00:23:56,980
you sick fucking bitch.

857
00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:58,227
You can't audibly moan

858
00:23:58,267 --> 00:23:59,980
while you're getting a massage.

859
00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:01,980
That's not okay.

860
00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,980
And in that moment,

861
00:24:04,020 --> 00:24:05,666
when she does that,

862
00:24:05,706 --> 00:24:06,980
I'm vulnerable.

863
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:08,058
Like, I would--

864
00:24:08,098 --> 00:24:09,980
I would like it to continue

865
00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,980
in different ways, maybe.

866
00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:13,355
When she does

867
00:24:13,395 --> 00:24:13,980
the little dipsy doo--

868
00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:15,980
if she--even if in that moment,

869
00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:17,030
if she tried to just go

870
00:24:17,070 --> 00:24:17,980
a little bit too far,

871
00:24:18,020 --> 00:24:19,170
like, up the leg,

872
00:24:19,210 --> 00:24:20,980
and a little dipsy doodle,

873
00:24:21,020 --> 00:24:22,065
like, a little

874
00:24:22,105 --> 00:24:24,000
♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪

875
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,980
♪ Climbed up the water spout ♪

876
00:24:28,020 --> 00:24:30,980
♪ Down came the rain ♪

877
00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:32,044
If in that moment,

878
00:24:32,084 --> 00:24:32,980
she did do that,

879
00:24:33,020 --> 00:24:34,516
I might be like, "Yeah, yeah,

880
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,236
quick, quick, quick, quick."

881
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,223
"Do it, get in, get in, get in,

882
00:24:41,263 --> 00:24:42,403
quick, quick, quick

883
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:43,980
"before anybody else walks in.

884
00:24:44,020 --> 00:24:44,980
Hey, come on, come on."

885
00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:45,643
I might even return

886
00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:45,980
the favor.

887
00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:48,980
I doubt it, but I might.

888
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:50,402
So I'm talking to

889
00:24:50,442 --> 00:24:52,980
my new psychiatrist about this.

890
00:24:53,020 --> 00:24:53,986
And I was like, "Dan,

891
00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:54,980
I'm thinking I'm lit.

892
00:24:55,020 --> 00:24:56,165
"You know, like, I know

893
00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:56,980
I'm, like, woke,

894
00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:57,980
and I know my shit."

895
00:24:58,020 --> 00:24:58,957
And just that day,

896
00:24:58,997 --> 00:24:59,980
I'd started filming

897
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:02,110
a documentary for Netflix

898
00:25:02,150 --> 00:25:03,980
about white privilege.

899
00:25:04,020 --> 00:25:05,336
And on the very first day

900
00:25:05,376 --> 00:25:05,980
of shooting,

901
00:25:06,020 --> 00:25:06,980
Netflix called me and said

902
00:25:07,020 --> 00:25:08,011
I had to go to

903
00:25:08,051 --> 00:25:09,980
sexual harassment training.

904
00:25:10,020 --> 00:25:10,911
I was like...

905
00:25:10,951 --> 00:25:10,980
f

906
00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:14,980
Again?

907
00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:15,980
And I had been on set

908
00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:17,159
and this Black woman

909
00:25:17,199 --> 00:25:17,980
sang this song

910
00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:19,004
and I went to go hug her

911
00:25:19,044 --> 00:25:20,424
and after I hugged her,

912
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:21,980
I smacked her on the ass.

913
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:24,000
I said, "Way to go, sister."

914
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:25,980
She did not like that.

915
00:25:26,020 --> 00:25:27,260
But I didn't understand

916
00:25:27,300 --> 00:25:28,980
why I had to go to sexual har--

917
00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:30,131
I was like, "Why is this

918
00:25:30,171 --> 00:25:30,980
sexual harassment?

919
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:31,609
I'm not hitting on her.

920
00:25:31,649 --> 00:25:31,980
I'm straight."

921
00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:32,797
And they're like,

922
00:25:32,837 --> 00:25:33,980
"No, it's not about that.

923
00:25:34,020 --> 00:25:35,132
"You have to call this woman

924
00:25:35,172 --> 00:25:35,980
and apologize to her,

925
00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:36,963
and you have to get her

926
00:25:37,003 --> 00:25:37,980
to accept your apology."

927
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:39,766
And I was like--

928
00:25:39,806 --> 00:25:41,980
and I was defensive.

929
00:25:42,020 --> 00:25:42,572
And so I called her,

930
00:25:42,612 --> 00:25:42,980
and I was like

931
00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:43,823
"I just--I don't--

932
00:25:43,863 --> 00:25:44,980
I was just trying to say,

933
00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:46,349
'Hey, go girl.'

934
00:25:46,389 --> 00:25:47,980
Like, sisterhood."

935
00:25:48,020 --> 00:25:49,320
And she said, "It doesn't

936
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:50,980
matter what your intention was.

937
00:25:51,020 --> 00:25:52,460
"It's how I received it,

938
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:53,533
"and you--Black women

939
00:25:53,573 --> 00:25:53,980
have been defined

940
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,053
"by their hair and their asses

941
00:25:56,093 --> 00:25:57,980
since the beginning of time.

942
00:25:58,020 --> 00:25:59,441
You have no right

943
00:25:59,481 --> 00:26:00,980
to touch my body."

944
00:26:01,020 --> 00:26:01,980
And she was right.

945
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:02,920
I have no right

946
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:03,980
to touch her body

947
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:04,980
or anybody else's.

948
00:26:05,020 --> 00:26:06,173
So I was sitting there

949
00:26:06,213 --> 00:26:06,980
talking to Dan,

950
00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:08,487
and I was like, "But can I

951
00:26:08,527 --> 00:26:10,087
still touch white people?"

952
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,316
And he said, "No, no, you can't

953
00:26:13,356 --> 00:26:15,000
touch anyone, Chelsea.

954
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:16,980
It's unwelcome."

955
00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:18,533
And I was like, "But that's how

956
00:26:18,573 --> 00:26:19,980
my family and I communicate."

957
00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:20,744
I see my sister,

958
00:26:20,784 --> 00:26:21,980
I grab her by the Pikachu.

959
00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:24,980
I'm like, "Beep, beep!"

960
00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:26,352
He's like, "You definitely

961
00:26:26,392 --> 00:26:26,980
shouldn't be

962
00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:29,000
doing that with family."

963
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:31,980
And that was a wake-up call,

964
00:26:32,020 --> 00:26:33,097
'cause she was right

965
00:26:33,137 --> 00:26:33,980
and I was wrong.

966
00:26:34,020 --> 00:26:34,466
It's not about

967
00:26:34,506 --> 00:26:34,980
your intention;

968
00:26:35,020 --> 00:26:36,980
it's about the reception.

969
00:26:37,020 --> 00:26:37,980
And any time you're defensive,

970
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:39,582
especially about racism,

971
00:26:39,622 --> 00:26:40,980
you're fuckin' wrong.

972
00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:42,111
And if you're a person

973
00:26:42,151 --> 00:26:42,980
who doesn't think

974
00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:43,565
that "white privilege"

975
00:26:43,605 --> 00:26:43,980
is a real thing,

976
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:44,874
then you're a person

977
00:26:44,914 --> 00:26:45,980
who's choosing to be part

978
00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:47,947
of the problem rather than

979
00:26:47,987 --> 00:26:50,000
being part of the solution.

980
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:57,761
Because the world is

981
00:26:57,801 --> 00:26:59,661
only getting browner and gayer,

982
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,000
so you better hop on board.

983
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:08,741
So that was

984
00:27:08,781 --> 00:27:09,980
lesson number one,

985
00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:10,820
but not from Dan, but

986
00:27:10,860 --> 00:27:12,600
I talked it through with him.

987
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,025
And then he wanted to know

988
00:27:14,065 --> 00:27:14,980
about my family history.

989
00:27:15,020 --> 00:27:15,644
I was like, that's not what

990
00:27:15,684 --> 00:27:15,980
this is about.

991
00:27:16,020 --> 00:27:18,980
Nothin' to see there.

992
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:20,026
I was like, my brother died

993
00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:20,980
when I was a little girl;

994
00:27:21,020 --> 00:27:22,485
my mom died, like,

995
00:27:22,525 --> 00:27:23,980
8 or 10 years ago;

996
00:27:24,020 --> 00:27:24,469
my dad's a huge

997
00:27:24,509 --> 00:27:24,980
pain in the ass,

998
00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:27,778
so hopefully he'll wrap things

999
00:27:27,818 --> 00:27:29,000
up this year.

1000
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:32,594
And I said,

1001
00:27:32,634 --> 00:27:33,980
"And quite frankly, like,

1002
00:27:34,020 --> 00:27:34,980
I'm ready to wrap it up, too."

1003
00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:35,215
I said,

1004
00:27:35,255 --> 00:27:35,980
"Dan, I'm not suicidal.

1005
00:27:36,020 --> 00:27:37,075
"You don't have to

1006
00:27:37,115 --> 00:27:37,980
worry about it.

1007
00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:38,439
"But people say

1008
00:27:38,479 --> 00:27:38,980
life is too short.

1009
00:27:39,020 --> 00:27:40,400
I think it's too long."

1010
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,317
Like, there's so many annoying

1011
00:27:42,357 --> 00:27:42,980
people out here

1012
00:27:43,020 --> 00:27:44,980
and I just can't deal with it.

1013
00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:45,662
I said,

1014
00:27:45,702 --> 00:27:47,980
"I'm losing my patience,

1015
00:27:48,020 --> 00:27:49,942
and I need you to help me

1016
00:27:49,982 --> 00:27:51,980
with my lack of patience."

1017
00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:52,980
And he said, "Okay.

1018
00:27:53,020 --> 00:27:53,875
Give me some examples

1019
00:27:53,915 --> 00:27:54,980
of your lack of patience."

1020
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:55,980
And I said, "Okay, fine."

1021
00:27:56,020 --> 00:27:57,980
I was at a table like this,

1022
00:27:58,020 --> 00:27:58,453
probably a little bigger,

1023
00:27:58,493 --> 00:27:58,980
with three of my girlfriends

1024
00:27:59,020 --> 00:27:59,958
before my session

1025
00:27:59,998 --> 00:28:00,980
that day with Dan.

1026
00:28:01,020 --> 00:28:02,097
My girlfriend orders

1027
00:28:02,137 --> 00:28:02,980
a turkey burger,

1028
00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:04,875
no onion, no bun,

1029
00:28:04,915 --> 00:28:05,980
no cheese.

1030
00:28:06,020 --> 00:28:06,906
That's fine.

1031
00:28:06,946 --> 00:28:07,980
We live in LA.

1032
00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:09,980
[groans]

1033
00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:11,623
So the server comes over

1034
00:28:11,663 --> 00:28:12,980
with his hands full,

1035
00:28:13,020 --> 00:28:14,081
with four plates,

1036
00:28:14,121 --> 00:28:14,980
and comes over

1037
00:28:15,020 --> 00:28:15,798
and we're all

1038
00:28:15,838 --> 00:28:16,980
sitting at a table.

1039
00:28:17,020 --> 00:28:17,980
We're not even talking.

1040
00:28:18,020 --> 00:28:18,873
And he says,

1041
00:28:18,913 --> 00:28:19,980
"Turkey burger?

1042
00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:22,018
Who ordered the turkey burger,

1043
00:28:22,058 --> 00:28:23,980
no onion, no bun, no cheese?"

1044
00:28:24,020 --> 00:28:24,750
And my friend

1045
00:28:24,790 --> 00:28:25,980
is just sitting there

1046
00:28:26,020 --> 00:28:27,485
like Stevie Wonder

1047
00:28:27,525 --> 00:28:29,000
playing the piano.

1048
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,980
And he says it again, louder.

1049
00:28:40,020 --> 00:28:41,007
"Turkey burger.

1050
00:28:41,047 --> 00:28:42,980
No onion, no bun, no cheese."

1051
00:28:43,020 --> 00:28:46,000
And this is her.

1052
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,980
I go, "Hey, you fucking cunt!

1053
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:50,980
"Wake up!

1054
00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:53,980
"Is that your turkey burger?

1055
00:28:54,020 --> 00:28:55,466
You can't order that and then

1056
00:28:55,506 --> 00:28:56,980
forget that you ordered that."

1057
00:28:57,020 --> 00:28:59,980
[growls]

1058
00:29:00,020 --> 00:29:00,683
I said,

1059
00:29:00,723 --> 00:29:02,980
"So that's one example.

1060
00:29:03,020 --> 00:29:03,887
Would you like

1061
00:29:03,927 --> 00:29:04,980
to hear another?"

1062
00:29:05,020 --> 00:29:06,980
He said, "Yes, please go on."

1063
00:29:07,020 --> 00:29:07,988
I said, "Airports, airports.

1064
00:29:08,028 --> 00:29:08,980
I can't deal with the people

1065
00:29:09,020 --> 00:29:09,605
"that work

1066
00:29:09,645 --> 00:29:10,980
at Hudson Booksellers.

1067
00:29:11,020 --> 00:29:11,825
"What's wrong

1068
00:29:11,865 --> 00:29:12,980
with those people?

1069
00:29:13,020 --> 00:29:14,771
"What's up with the slowness

1070
00:29:14,811 --> 00:29:15,980
of the transaction?

1071
00:29:16,020 --> 00:29:17,881
"I can't deal with the slowness

1072
00:29:17,921 --> 00:29:18,980
of the transaction

1073
00:29:19,020 --> 00:29:19,980
"when I wanna buy a book.

1074
00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:20,961
"Are those people--

1075
00:29:21,001 --> 00:29:21,980
what is wrong with--

1076
00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:25,000
are they koala bears?"

1077
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:28,352
He said, "Well, how do you

1078
00:29:28,392 --> 00:29:28,980
handle that?

1079
00:29:29,020 --> 00:29:31,794
I go, "I have to shoplift.

1080
00:29:31,834 --> 00:29:33,000
I have to."

1081
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:36,277
I said, "I get the book,

1082
00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:36,980
and I wave it

1083
00:29:37,020 --> 00:29:37,980
"to the security camera--

1084
00:29:38,020 --> 00:29:38,535
"always, I say--

1085
00:29:38,575 --> 00:29:38,980
I always say,

1086
00:29:39,020 --> 00:29:40,980
'Hey, it's me, Chelsea Handler,

1087
00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:41,769
'I'm taking this

1088
00:29:41,809 --> 00:29:42,980
because your koala bear's

1089
00:29:43,020 --> 00:29:44,789
on a branch somewhere

1090
00:29:44,829 --> 00:29:46,000
in the back.'"

1091
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,283
I'm like, "I'm gonna leave

1092
00:29:53,323 --> 00:29:53,980
40 bucks here,

1093
00:29:54,020 --> 00:29:55,980
"and hopefully they'll find it

1094
00:29:56,020 --> 00:29:57,171
"when she comes out

1095
00:29:57,211 --> 00:29:57,980
from her nap,

1096
00:29:58,020 --> 00:29:58,424
"if she'll find it

1097
00:29:58,464 --> 00:29:58,980
before a stranger does,

1098
00:29:59,020 --> 00:30:00,700
"but it's on this bookshelf.

1099
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:01,516
I didn't steal.

1100
00:30:01,556 --> 00:30:01,980
I'm leaving,"

1101
00:30:02,020 --> 00:30:04,000
and then I skedaddle.

1102
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,764
And Dan was looking at me

1103
00:30:06,804 --> 00:30:07,980
when I said that.

1104
00:30:08,020 --> 00:30:09,133
I was like, "What?

1105
00:30:09,173 --> 00:30:10,980
Is that white privilege too?"

1106
00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:11,980
He's like, "No, Chelsea.

1107
00:30:12,020 --> 00:30:13,571
White people aren't

1108
00:30:13,611 --> 00:30:15,000
even doing that."

1109
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:16,609
I told him,

1110
00:30:16,649 --> 00:30:17,980
anything hotel related--

1111
00:30:18,020 --> 00:30:19,080
I'm like, "I spend tons

1112
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:19,980
of times in hotels,

1113
00:30:20,020 --> 00:30:20,927
"and I get home at, like,

1114
00:30:20,967 --> 00:30:21,980
1:00 or 2:00 in the morning,

1115
00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:23,158
"I want my snack.

1116
00:30:23,198 --> 00:30:23,980
I call down,

1117
00:30:24,020 --> 00:30:25,038
"I order what I want

1118
00:30:25,078 --> 00:30:25,980
from room service,

1119
00:30:26,020 --> 00:30:27,980
and that's too slow."

1120
00:30:28,020 --> 00:30:28,498
At 1:30 in the morning,

1121
00:30:28,538 --> 00:30:28,980
there should be, like,

1122
00:30:29,020 --> 00:30:30,980
a double speed, you know,

1123
00:30:31,020 --> 00:30:31,600
where people

1124
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:32,980
are quicker and more alert,

1125
00:30:33,020 --> 00:30:34,980
or--or just quicker.

1126
00:30:35,020 --> 00:30:36,518
Then they wanna repeat

1127
00:30:36,558 --> 00:30:37,980
the order back to me.

1128
00:30:38,020 --> 00:30:38,745
It's like, please,

1129
00:30:38,785 --> 00:30:40,525
whatever you think you heard,

1130
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:42,980
just bring double.

1131
00:30:43,020 --> 00:30:44,338
And don't say "chicken fingers"

1132
00:30:44,378 --> 00:30:44,980
out loud again.

1133
00:30:45,020 --> 00:30:46,980
I'm 45 years old.

1134
00:30:47,020 --> 00:30:47,703
I don't wanna

1135
00:30:47,743 --> 00:30:48,980
have this conversation.

1136
00:30:49,020 --> 00:30:49,326
Do you know

1137
00:30:49,366 --> 00:30:49,980
how humiliating it is

1138
00:30:50,020 --> 00:30:51,346
to call you in the first place

1139
00:30:51,386 --> 00:30:51,980
and order this

1140
00:30:52,020 --> 00:30:53,400
at 1:30 in the morning?

1141
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,765
And now you wanna go over it

1142
00:30:55,805 --> 00:30:56,980
and shame me again?

1143
00:30:57,020 --> 00:30:57,980
Just bring them.

1144
00:30:58,020 --> 00:30:58,655
And then they bring them

1145
00:30:58,695 --> 00:30:58,980
and that's--

1146
00:30:59,020 --> 00:31:00,678
that's a whole episode

1147
00:31:00,718 --> 00:31:01,980
in and of itself.

1148
00:31:02,020 --> 00:31:03,424
It's like, with the cart

1149
00:31:03,464 --> 00:31:04,980
and the fork and the knife

1150
00:31:05,020 --> 00:31:05,933
and they set me up

1151
00:31:05,973 --> 00:31:06,980
like I'm fine dining

1152
00:31:07,020 --> 00:31:08,360
at 2:00 in the morning

1153
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:09,980
with some chicken fingers.

1154
00:31:10,020 --> 00:31:10,862
As if I'm going to use

1155
00:31:10,902 --> 00:31:11,980
a fork and a knife to cut up

1156
00:31:12,020 --> 00:31:12,980
my chicken fingers.

1157
00:31:13,020 --> 00:31:14,253
You could throw them at me

1158
00:31:14,293 --> 00:31:14,980
across the room

1159
00:31:15,020 --> 00:31:15,892
and I will

1160
00:31:15,932 --> 00:31:18,000
catch them in my mouth.

1161
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:24,065
And then I have to pretend

1162
00:31:24,105 --> 00:31:24,980
I have a fake daughter

1163
00:31:25,020 --> 00:31:25,980
that's, you know, in the bath.

1164
00:31:26,020 --> 00:31:26,987
I'm like, "My daughter's

1165
00:31:27,027 --> 00:31:27,980
getting out of the bath.

1166
00:31:28,020 --> 00:31:29,980
"Can you wrap this up, please?

1167
00:31:30,020 --> 00:31:32,980
Get the fuck out of here."

1168
00:31:33,020 --> 00:31:34,488
I said, "I could get annoyed

1169
00:31:34,528 --> 00:31:35,980
during a hotel massage, Dan.

1170
00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:37,880
That's the kind of bitch I am."

1171
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,559
The way they talk to you after

1172
00:31:41,599 --> 00:31:42,980
a 45-minute Swedish massage

1173
00:31:43,020 --> 00:31:44,980
is ridiculous.

1174
00:31:45,020 --> 00:31:46,820
[voice wavering] "You're gonna

1175
00:31:46,860 --> 00:31:47,980
wanna be careful...

1176
00:31:48,020 --> 00:31:50,980
getting up."

1177
00:31:51,020 --> 00:31:52,980
Why?

1178
00:31:53,020 --> 00:31:55,980
What? Did you amputate my legs?

1179
00:31:56,020 --> 00:31:57,012
Why do I need

1180
00:31:57,052 --> 00:31:58,980
to be careful getting up?

1181
00:31:59,020 --> 00:32:00,279
This is supposed to be

1182
00:32:00,319 --> 00:32:02,059
more relaxing, not stressful.

1183
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:05,111
And then they hand you

1184
00:32:05,151 --> 00:32:05,980
a gross Dixie cup

1185
00:32:06,020 --> 00:32:08,980
of room-temperature water.

1186
00:32:09,020 --> 00:32:09,902
It's like, "Ugh,

1187
00:32:09,942 --> 00:32:11,082
I don't want that."

1188
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,739
[mockingly] "You're gonna wanna

1189
00:32:13,779 --> 00:32:14,980
drink a lot of water."

1190
00:32:15,020 --> 00:32:16,533
No, I won't.

1191
00:32:16,573 --> 00:32:18,980
Fuckin' hate water.

1192
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:19,810
The only thing

1193
00:32:19,850 --> 00:32:20,980
more offensive to me

1194
00:32:21,020 --> 00:32:21,980
than room-temperature water

1195
00:32:22,020 --> 00:32:23,072
is room-temperature

1196
00:32:23,112 --> 00:32:23,980
sparkling water.

1197
00:32:24,020 --> 00:32:25,284
That is like,

1198
00:32:25,324 --> 00:32:27,980
"Fuck you and your family."

1199
00:32:28,020 --> 00:32:28,508
So I said,

1200
00:32:28,548 --> 00:32:29,980
"So what do you think I have

1201
00:32:30,020 --> 00:32:30,980
after all of this?"

1202
00:32:31,020 --> 00:32:32,389
I said, "What do you think

1203
00:32:32,429 --> 00:32:32,980
it is, Dan?

1204
00:32:33,020 --> 00:32:34,235
What? ADD?

1205
00:32:34,275 --> 00:32:34,980
What?"

1206
00:32:35,020 --> 00:32:36,652
He said...

1207
00:32:36,692 --> 00:32:38,000
[laughs]

1208
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:40,847
"I don't know

1209
00:32:40,887 --> 00:32:41,980
if you have ADD."

1210
00:32:42,020 --> 00:32:43,193
He's like, "I have no idea

1211
00:32:43,233 --> 00:32:43,980
if you have that.

1212
00:32:44,020 --> 00:32:45,341
You could take

1213
00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:46,980
a test for that."

1214
00:32:47,020 --> 00:32:47,980
It's like, great.

1215
00:32:48,020 --> 00:32:48,735
He said,

1216
00:32:48,775 --> 00:32:50,980
"It's eight hours long."

1217
00:32:51,020 --> 00:32:52,002
I was like, "Well, let's just

1218
00:32:52,042 --> 00:32:52,980
operate under the assumption

1219
00:32:53,020 --> 00:32:54,980
that I have it."

1220
00:32:55,020 --> 00:32:57,415
He said, "I think

1221
00:32:57,455 --> 00:32:59,980
you lack empathy."

1222
00:33:00,020 --> 00:33:01,407
I was like,

1223
00:33:01,447 --> 00:33:04,000
"Like a Republican?"

1224
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:06,876
And I had him draw

1225
00:33:06,916 --> 00:33:07,980
the distinction for me

1226
00:33:08,020 --> 00:33:09,700
between sympathy and empathy

1227
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:10,980
because I couldn't remember.

1228
00:33:11,020 --> 00:33:11,422
I said,

1229
00:33:11,462 --> 00:33:12,980
"Wait, sympathy is what?"

1230
00:33:13,020 --> 00:33:13,946
He said, "Sympathy is when

1231
00:33:13,986 --> 00:33:14,980
you feel sorry for somebody,

1232
00:33:15,020 --> 00:33:16,144
"or you feel badly

1233
00:33:16,184 --> 00:33:16,980
for somebody.

1234
00:33:17,020 --> 00:33:17,433
Somebody's going through

1235
00:33:17,473 --> 00:33:17,980
a bad time and you help them."

1236
00:33:18,020 --> 00:33:19,980
I said, "Oh, I've got that."

1237
00:33:20,020 --> 00:33:20,680
I would do that

1238
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:21,980
for any of you sitting here.

1239
00:33:22,020 --> 00:33:23,095
I would do that for strangers.

1240
00:33:23,135 --> 00:33:23,980
Yeah, I've got sympathy.

1241
00:33:24,020 --> 00:33:25,378
He said, "Empathy is

1242
00:33:25,418 --> 00:33:26,980
actually thinking about

1243
00:33:27,020 --> 00:33:27,920
"what it's like

1244
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:28,980
to be that person

1245
00:33:29,020 --> 00:33:30,063
"that's going through

1246
00:33:30,103 --> 00:33:30,980
a difficult time--

1247
00:33:31,020 --> 00:33:31,620
"actually thinking about

1248
00:33:31,660 --> 00:33:31,980
what it's like

1249
00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:33,340
"to be in their shoes.

1250
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:34,980
Have you ever done that?"

1251
00:33:35,020 --> 00:33:36,980
I was like, "Oh, no."

1252
00:33:37,020 --> 00:33:40,527
I was like, "That's depressing.

1253
00:33:40,567 --> 00:33:41,000
No."

1254
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:42,836
He said, "You need

1255
00:33:42,876 --> 00:33:43,980
to think about the woman

1256
00:33:44,020 --> 00:33:44,367
"that's working at

1257
00:33:44,407 --> 00:33:44,980
the Hudson Booksellers store.

1258
00:33:45,020 --> 00:33:45,943
"You need to think about

1259
00:33:45,983 --> 00:33:46,980
the fact that she may have

1260
00:33:47,020 --> 00:33:47,886
"more than one job,

1261
00:33:47,926 --> 00:33:48,980
or that she has to deal

1262
00:33:49,020 --> 00:33:50,219
"with people like you

1263
00:33:50,259 --> 00:33:51,039
all day long.

1264
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:52,630
"You have to think about

1265
00:33:52,670 --> 00:33:52,980
the fact that

1266
00:33:53,020 --> 00:33:53,980
she's got a family at home."

1267
00:33:54,020 --> 00:33:54,666
And I'm like...

1268
00:33:54,706 --> 00:33:54,980
[sighs]

1269
00:33:55,020 --> 00:33:56,452
"I have to think about

1270
00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:58,000
all those koala bears?"

1271
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:01,953
But it made sense,

1272
00:34:01,993 --> 00:34:02,980
and I was clicking.

1273
00:34:03,020 --> 00:34:04,334
It was like, oh, wait,

1274
00:34:04,374 --> 00:34:05,980
paying somebody to tell you

1275
00:34:06,020 --> 00:34:06,464
what's wrong with you

1276
00:34:06,504 --> 00:34:06,980
is a great transaction.

1277
00:34:07,020 --> 00:34:08,279
I was like, no friends

1278
00:34:08,319 --> 00:34:09,980
are gonna tell you, you know.

1279
00:34:10,020 --> 00:34:10,743
I was like,

1280
00:34:10,783 --> 00:34:11,980
"Oh, okay, great."

1281
00:34:12,020 --> 00:34:12,275
I'm like,

1282
00:34:12,315 --> 00:34:12,980
"How do I get empathy?

1283
00:34:13,020 --> 00:34:14,438
Is there an app

1284
00:34:14,478 --> 00:34:15,980
I can download?"

1285
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:18,387
And he said, "Can you think

1286
00:34:18,427 --> 00:34:19,980
of any experiences

1287
00:34:20,020 --> 00:34:20,943
that you've had recently

1288
00:34:20,983 --> 00:34:21,980
where you lacked empathy?"

1289
00:34:22,020 --> 00:34:23,980
I was like, "Um, yeah."

1290
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:24,470
And all of a sudden,

1291
00:34:24,510 --> 00:34:25,770
all these light bulbs

1292
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:26,980
went on in my head,

1293
00:34:27,020 --> 00:34:27,902
and I remembered

1294
00:34:27,942 --> 00:34:28,980
going to this movie

1295
00:34:29,020 --> 00:34:30,980
with one of my gay friends.

1296
00:34:31,020 --> 00:34:31,345
It was called

1297
00:34:31,385 --> 00:34:31,980
"Call Me By Your Name."

1298
00:34:32,020 --> 00:34:33,044
It came out, like,

1299
00:34:33,084 --> 00:34:33,980
three years ago.

1300
00:34:34,020 --> 00:34:34,827
And I didn't know what

1301
00:34:34,867 --> 00:34:36,667
the movie was when we went in,

1302
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:38,980
but five minutes in, I did.

1303
00:34:39,020 --> 00:34:40,083
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,

1304
00:34:40,123 --> 00:34:40,980
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1305
00:34:41,020 --> 00:34:42,980
What is this?"

1306
00:34:43,020 --> 00:34:44,561
I go, "What is this?

1307
00:34:44,601 --> 00:34:45,980
A gay love story?"

1308
00:34:46,020 --> 00:34:46,611
He goes, "Yeah.

1309
00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:46,980
Shut up."

1310
00:34:47,020 --> 00:34:50,000
I go, "You're so selfish."

1311
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:51,707
And Dan looked at me;

1312
00:34:51,747 --> 00:34:52,247
he said,

1313
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:53,980
"Do you know why that's wrong?"

1314
00:34:54,020 --> 00:34:55,980
I go, "I think so.

1315
00:34:56,020 --> 00:34:57,301
"'Cause gay people have had

1316
00:34:57,341 --> 00:34:57,980
to sit through

1317
00:34:58,020 --> 00:34:58,980
"straight people's love stories

1318
00:34:59,020 --> 00:35:00,571
since the beginning

1319
00:35:00,611 --> 00:35:01,980
of fucking time."

1320
00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:03,220
And he goes, "Yeah."

1321
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,930
So now at my house,

1322
00:35:04,970 --> 00:35:05,980
all I have on a loop,

1323
00:35:06,020 --> 00:35:07,487
all day long

1324
00:35:07,527 --> 00:35:09,000
is gay porn.

1325
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:15,000
Out of respect.

1326
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,945
Finding out I lacked empathy

1327
00:35:17,985 --> 00:35:20,000
was, like, a huge light bulb,

1328
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:21,980
and I was so excited.

1329
00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:22,980
I was on board with therapy,

1330
00:35:23,020 --> 00:35:23,980
and he got me from that.

1331
00:35:24,020 --> 00:35:25,054
I'm like, "You're right.

1332
00:35:25,094 --> 00:35:25,980
I don't have empathy.

1333
00:35:26,020 --> 00:35:26,431
"Okay, let's go,

1334
00:35:26,471 --> 00:35:26,980
let's go, what else?

1335
00:35:27,020 --> 00:35:27,563
And he said

1336
00:35:27,603 --> 00:35:28,980
"What about relationships?"

1337
00:35:29,020 --> 00:35:29,908
I'm like, "No good.

1338
00:35:29,948 --> 00:35:30,980
I'm not good at that."

1339
00:35:31,020 --> 00:35:31,900
He said, "Do you want

1340
00:35:31,940 --> 00:35:32,980
to be in a relationship?"

1341
00:35:33,020 --> 00:35:33,236
I'm like,

1342
00:35:33,276 --> 00:35:33,980
"Whatever you say, I'll do.

1343
00:35:34,020 --> 00:35:34,798
"If you think

1344
00:35:34,838 --> 00:35:35,980
I should be in one,

1345
00:35:36,020 --> 00:35:37,469
I'll go find somebody."

1346
00:35:37,509 --> 00:35:37,980
[laughs]

1347
00:35:38,020 --> 00:35:39,000
I said, "But I--

1348
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:40,289
"It's tricky

1349
00:35:40,329 --> 00:35:41,949
'cause everybody annoys me,

1350
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:42,980
"and men annoy me.

1351
00:35:43,020 --> 00:35:43,614
"Their belts annoy me,

1352
00:35:43,654 --> 00:35:43,980
their shoes--

1353
00:35:44,020 --> 00:35:45,980
everything about them."

1354
00:35:46,020 --> 00:35:47,334
I said, "But if we're gonna

1355
00:35:47,374 --> 00:35:47,980
do something,

1356
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:48,372
we should lock

1357
00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:48,980
something down quick."

1358
00:35:49,020 --> 00:35:50,065
I mean, I'm in

1359
00:35:50,105 --> 00:35:51,980
a denim onesie right now.

1360
00:35:52,020 --> 00:35:52,744
I have orthotics

1361
00:35:52,784 --> 00:35:53,980
in every pair of my shoes.

1362
00:35:54,020 --> 00:35:54,984
One of my eyes

1363
00:35:55,024 --> 00:35:55,980
is going bald.

1364
00:35:56,020 --> 00:35:56,885
I have to shave my face

1365
00:35:56,925 --> 00:35:57,980
in the shower in the morning

1366
00:35:58,020 --> 00:35:59,593
to get rid of this facial hair

1367
00:35:59,633 --> 00:36:00,980
that I'm starting to grow.

1368
00:36:01,020 --> 00:36:02,230
I used aftershave the other day

1369
00:36:02,270 --> 00:36:02,980
for the first time.

1370
00:36:03,020 --> 00:36:05,596
Either I'm transitioning

1371
00:36:05,636 --> 00:36:07,980
and I don't know it...

1372
00:36:08,020 --> 00:36:09,980
or I'm in decline.

1373
00:36:10,020 --> 00:36:11,987
I saw my elbow the other day

1374
00:36:12,027 --> 00:36:12,980
in the mirror.

1375
00:36:13,020 --> 00:36:13,362
I was like,

1376
00:36:13,402 --> 00:36:13,980
is that an iguana?

1377
00:36:14,020 --> 00:36:14,467
What is that?

1378
00:36:14,507 --> 00:36:15,347
What happened?

1379
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,324
And why does it look like

1380
00:36:18,364 --> 00:36:18,980
a butt?

1381
00:36:19,020 --> 00:36:20,460
The other day I coughed,

1382
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,385
and liquid came

1383
00:36:22,425 --> 00:36:24,000
out of my vagina.

1384
00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:30,000
That, I blame on 50 Cent.

1385
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:37,980
And I went to my doctor,

1386
00:36:38,020 --> 00:36:38,823
and she was, like,

1387
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:39,980
doing my hormone testing,

1388
00:36:40,020 --> 00:36:41,040
and she's like, "Okay, sweetie,

1389
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:41,980
You're low on testosterone."

1390
00:36:42,020 --> 00:36:42,968
I'm like, "I don't think

1391
00:36:43,008 --> 00:36:43,980
I'm low on testosterone."

1392
00:36:44,020 --> 00:36:45,194
I'm like, "I could give a man

1393
00:36:45,234 --> 00:36:45,980
some testosterone."

1394
00:36:46,020 --> 00:36:46,561
I'm like,

1395
00:36:46,601 --> 00:36:47,980
"I'm very aggressive."

1396
00:36:48,020 --> 00:36:48,877
She's like,

1397
00:36:48,917 --> 00:36:50,980
"That's not testosterone."

1398
00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:51,414
So she said,

1399
00:36:51,454 --> 00:36:52,414
"You have none."

1400
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:53,314
And she said,

1401
00:36:53,354 --> 00:36:53,980
"It's just better that you

1402
00:36:54,020 --> 00:36:54,820
replace your hormones

1403
00:36:54,860 --> 00:36:55,980
when you start to lose them."

1404
00:36:56,020 --> 00:36:57,944
And I'm like...

1405
00:36:57,984 --> 00:36:58,980
[groans]

1406
00:36:59,020 --> 00:36:59,735
So I started

1407
00:36:59,775 --> 00:37:00,980
taking testosterone,

1408
00:37:01,020 --> 00:37:01,825
which is, you know,

1409
00:37:01,865 --> 00:37:02,980
some cream you have to rub

1410
00:37:03,020 --> 00:37:03,340
on your leg

1411
00:37:03,380 --> 00:37:04,580
like an older woman.

1412
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:05,689
And I was like, okay, well,

1413
00:37:05,729 --> 00:37:05,980
here we go.

1414
00:37:06,020 --> 00:37:06,803
I'm just heading

1415
00:37:06,843 --> 00:37:07,980
into elderly territory.

1416
00:37:08,020 --> 00:37:09,443
And then I go back

1417
00:37:09,483 --> 00:37:10,980
to the same doctor,

1418
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,173
like, two months later

1419
00:37:12,213 --> 00:37:12,980
and I was like,

1420
00:37:13,020 --> 00:37:13,784
"My hair

1421
00:37:13,824 --> 00:37:15,980
is really thin on top.

1422
00:37:16,020 --> 00:37:16,431
Do you know what

1423
00:37:16,471 --> 00:37:16,980
that could be from?"

1424
00:37:17,020 --> 00:37:18,863
And she's like, "Well,

1425
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,000
are you on testosterone?"

1426
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:25,597
I'm like "Yeah--yeah, bitch,

1427
00:37:25,637 --> 00:37:27,077
you prescribed it to me.

1428
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:28,584
"Don't you remember?

1429
00:37:28,624 --> 00:37:28,980
What are you?

1430
00:37:29,020 --> 00:37:30,126
A vet?

1431
00:37:30,166 --> 00:37:33,000
Are you a vet?"

1432
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:34,389
And I said, "What

1433
00:37:34,429 --> 00:37:34,980
are the side effects of--

1434
00:37:35,020 --> 00:37:36,180
I mean, what is testosterone

1435
00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:36,980
even doing for me?"

1436
00:37:37,020 --> 00:37:38,709
I mean, I don't want--

1437
00:37:38,749 --> 00:37:40,980
I don't want to lose my hair.

1438
00:37:41,020 --> 00:37:42,546
And one of my eyelashes--

1439
00:37:42,586 --> 00:37:42,980
I mean,

1440
00:37:43,020 --> 00:37:43,951
one of my eyes

1441
00:37:43,991 --> 00:37:44,980
is almost bald.

1442
00:37:45,020 --> 00:37:46,064
I have two eyelashes

1443
00:37:46,104 --> 00:37:46,980
that have come in

1444
00:37:47,020 --> 00:37:47,980
over the past two years.

1445
00:37:48,020 --> 00:37:50,980
Like, none will sprout.

1446
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:52,185
And she says, "Well,

1447
00:37:52,225 --> 00:37:53,980
it helps with your sex drive."

1448
00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:56,110
I'm like, "So you want me

1449
00:37:56,150 --> 00:37:58,000
to be bald and horny?"

1450
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:00,980
And then what?

1451
00:38:01,020 --> 00:38:02,273
What's the game plan

1452
00:38:02,313 --> 00:38:02,980
after that?

1453
00:38:03,020 --> 00:38:04,254
Just play solitaire

1454
00:38:04,294 --> 00:38:06,000
all by myself every night?

1455
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,980
The thing is, I like older men.

1456
00:38:15,020 --> 00:38:16,171
When I was 20, that was fine,

1457
00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:16,980
'cause they were 40.

1458
00:38:17,020 --> 00:38:17,760
When I was 30,

1459
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:18,980
I dated a 50-year-old.

1460
00:38:19,020 --> 00:38:20,153
When I was 35,

1461
00:38:20,193 --> 00:38:21,980
I dated a 55-year-old.

1462
00:38:22,020 --> 00:38:22,980
I'm 45.

1463
00:38:23,020 --> 00:38:24,043
I'm not down

1464
00:38:24,083 --> 00:38:26,000
to fuck a 65-year-old.

1465
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:27,513
Okay, that margin

1466
00:38:27,553 --> 00:38:27,980
needs to close.

1467
00:38:28,020 --> 00:38:29,174
I'm all for 65-year-olds,

1468
00:38:29,214 --> 00:38:29,980
and I'll fuck you

1469
00:38:30,020 --> 00:38:30,980
when I get to be your age.

1470
00:38:31,020 --> 00:38:32,111
But not now.

1471
00:38:32,151 --> 00:38:33,980
It's--it's too much.

1472
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,980
There is an age where men

1473
00:38:37,020 --> 00:38:38,919
either start to look

1474
00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:39,980
like women,

1475
00:38:40,020 --> 00:38:41,980
or they get the slippery lips,

1476
00:38:42,020 --> 00:38:43,929
where their mouths

1477
00:38:43,969 --> 00:38:45,980
turn into Jacuzzis.

1478
00:38:46,020 --> 00:38:48,980
And that's when I skedaddled.

1479
00:38:49,020 --> 00:38:51,172
Which brings me to the strong

1480
00:38:51,212 --> 00:38:52,980
and deep sexual feelings

1481
00:38:53,020 --> 00:38:55,197
that I have developed

1482
00:38:55,237 --> 00:38:57,000
for Andrew Cuomo.

1483
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,800
I mean, I know we all feel it.

1484
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:02,980
A lot of women are feeling it.

1485
00:39:03,020 --> 00:39:03,638
When he came on the scene,

1486
00:39:03,678 --> 00:39:03,980
he looked like

1487
00:39:04,020 --> 00:39:05,980
the Incredible Hulk also.

1488
00:39:06,020 --> 00:39:06,514
You know,

1489
00:39:06,554 --> 00:39:07,980
that big Italian gorilla.

1490
00:39:08,020 --> 00:39:08,327
It's like,

1491
00:39:08,367 --> 00:39:08,980
"Put on your mask,"

1492
00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:09,251
I'm like,

1493
00:39:09,291 --> 00:39:10,791
"Oh, I'll put my mask on.

1494
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:11,844
Oh yeah, I will.

1495
00:39:11,884 --> 00:39:12,980
I'll put on my mask."

1496
00:39:13,020 --> 00:39:13,987
He's the kind of asshole

1497
00:39:14,027 --> 00:39:14,980
that I will do shit for.

1498
00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:16,760
And you know he's an asshole,

1499
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:17,670
and that's what I like

1500
00:39:17,710 --> 00:39:17,980
about him.

1501
00:39:18,020 --> 00:39:18,980
Like, an old-fashioned asshole,

1502
00:39:19,020 --> 00:39:20,604
somebody who's gonna tell me

1503
00:39:20,644 --> 00:39:21,980
to sit down and shut up.

1504
00:39:22,020 --> 00:39:22,980
I want him to flatten my curve

1505
00:39:23,020 --> 00:39:24,395
and then I wanna

1506
00:39:24,435 --> 00:39:25,980
flatten his curve.

1507
00:39:26,020 --> 00:39:28,042
And then I want us

1508
00:39:28,082 --> 00:39:29,980
to apex together.

1509
00:39:30,020 --> 00:39:31,433
And he can mansplain to me

1510
00:39:31,473 --> 00:39:32,980
all night long about fishing

1511
00:39:33,020 --> 00:39:33,916
or motorcycles

1512
00:39:33,956 --> 00:39:35,980
or whatever dumb shit he's into

1513
00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:36,545
that I will pretend

1514
00:39:36,585 --> 00:39:37,485
that I am into,

1515
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,226
because that's how down

1516
00:39:39,266 --> 00:39:39,980
I am with him.

1517
00:39:40,020 --> 00:39:41,165
Guess who's not jerking

1518
00:39:41,205 --> 00:39:41,980
off into plants?

1519
00:39:42,020 --> 00:39:46,000
Andrew Cuomo.

1520
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,980
I want him to govern me...

1521
00:39:52,020 --> 00:39:53,980
multiple times.

1522
00:39:54,020 --> 00:39:54,959
I imagine us spending

1523
00:39:54,999 --> 00:39:55,980
long weekends together

1524
00:39:56,020 --> 00:39:57,980
in the Adirondacks,

1525
00:39:58,020 --> 00:39:59,980
playing games of "Clue,"

1526
00:40:00,020 --> 00:40:00,405
a game I thought

1527
00:40:00,445 --> 00:40:01,765
I had already mastered

1528
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,297
that he's teaching me

1529
00:40:03,337 --> 00:40:04,980
entirely new strategies to.

1530
00:40:05,020 --> 00:40:05,980
I imagine him getting very sick

1531
00:40:06,020 --> 00:40:06,798
and me having

1532
00:40:06,838 --> 00:40:07,980
the only medication

1533
00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:09,980
that can make him better.

1534
00:40:10,020 --> 00:40:12,000
Two doxycycline...

1535
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:14,980
twice a day for ten days.

1536
00:40:15,020 --> 00:40:16,980
Never on an empty stomach.

1537
00:40:17,020 --> 00:40:17,902
I would keep him

1538
00:40:17,942 --> 00:40:18,980
slightly dehydrated

1539
00:40:19,020 --> 00:40:20,804
so wouldn't get

1540
00:40:20,844 --> 00:40:22,980
the slippery lips.

1541
00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:23,598
Because he's got them.

1542
00:40:23,638 --> 00:40:23,980
He's got them.

1543
00:40:24,020 --> 00:40:25,576
He's on the cusp of exactly

1544
00:40:25,616 --> 00:40:26,980
what I'm talking about--

1545
00:40:27,020 --> 00:40:28,054
that big mouth,

1546
00:40:28,094 --> 00:40:28,980
and it's wet,

1547
00:40:29,020 --> 00:40:29,536
and in two more years,

1548
00:40:29,576 --> 00:40:29,980
he's gonna be able

1549
00:40:30,020 --> 00:40:31,562
to swallow me

1550
00:40:31,602 --> 00:40:33,980
like a meatball sub.

1551
00:40:34,020 --> 00:40:35,049
But I need to get

1552
00:40:35,089 --> 00:40:35,980
in there quick,

1553
00:40:36,020 --> 00:40:37,085
because once the curve

1554
00:40:37,125 --> 00:40:37,980
flattens for good,

1555
00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:41,000
so will my crush.

1556
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,098
I told Dan that I mostly

1557
00:40:43,138 --> 00:40:43,980
hook up on vacation

1558
00:40:44,020 --> 00:40:44,980
when I travel internationally,

1559
00:40:45,020 --> 00:40:46,036
'cause there's always

1560
00:40:46,076 --> 00:40:46,980
a language barrier,

1561
00:40:47,020 --> 00:40:47,887
and that works

1562
00:40:47,927 --> 00:40:48,980
to my advantage--

1563
00:40:49,020 --> 00:40:49,929
when people can't really

1564
00:40:49,969 --> 00:40:50,980
understand what I'm saying.

1565
00:40:51,020 --> 00:40:52,980
We went on a scuba diving trip

1566
00:40:53,020 --> 00:40:54,336
with my girlfriend

1567
00:40:54,376 --> 00:40:55,980
for her 40th birthday.

1568
00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:56,434
And we all had

1569
00:40:56,474 --> 00:40:56,980
to get certified,

1570
00:40:57,020 --> 00:40:57,980
and I'm not really good

1571
00:40:58,020 --> 00:40:58,980
in a classroom setting.

1572
00:40:59,020 --> 00:41:00,980
So I wasn't paying attention,

1573
00:41:01,020 --> 00:41:02,023
and they were like, okay,

1574
00:41:02,063 --> 00:41:02,980
everyone needs a buddy.

1575
00:41:03,020 --> 00:41:03,633
I'm like, "I don't want to be

1576
00:41:03,673 --> 00:41:03,980
anybody's buddy,

1577
00:41:04,020 --> 00:41:05,662
"I-I'm not gonna help anybody

1578
00:41:05,702 --> 00:41:06,980
with their oxygen tank.

1579
00:41:07,020 --> 00:41:07,987
Like, everyone's--I can't--

1580
00:41:08,027 --> 00:41:08,980
I'm not the girl for that."

1581
00:41:09,020 --> 00:41:10,144
So my cousin Molly

1582
00:41:10,184 --> 00:41:10,980
was my buddy.

1583
00:41:11,020 --> 00:41:11,468
I'm like,

1584
00:41:11,508 --> 00:41:12,980
"But I'm not gonna save you,

1585
00:41:13,020 --> 00:41:13,980
"so, like, we should split up,

1586
00:41:14,020 --> 00:41:15,010
and I should go with

1587
00:41:15,050 --> 00:41:15,980
one of the guides."

1588
00:41:16,020 --> 00:41:17,980
They had two divemasters.

1589
00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:20,249
And we're in French Polynesia,

1590
00:41:20,289 --> 00:41:21,980
and we're shark diving.

1591
00:41:22,020 --> 00:41:22,500
And I don't know

1592
00:41:22,540 --> 00:41:22,980
what I'm doing.

1593
00:41:23,020 --> 00:41:24,486
I'm just like, I can't

1594
00:41:24,526 --> 00:41:25,980
get my mask on normal.

1595
00:41:26,020 --> 00:41:26,672
And I'm already underwater

1596
00:41:26,712 --> 00:41:26,980
and shit is,

1597
00:41:27,020 --> 00:41:27,953
like, messed up

1598
00:41:27,993 --> 00:41:28,980
all of a sudden.

1599
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:29,720
I'm, like, trying

1600
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:30,980
to tie my sneaker underwater.

1601
00:41:31,020 --> 00:41:32,771
You know, that's the kind of

1602
00:41:32,811 --> 00:41:33,980
situation I was in.

1603
00:41:34,020 --> 00:41:36,980
And she pulls on my leg.

1604
00:41:37,020 --> 00:41:37,989
And I freak out,

1605
00:41:38,029 --> 00:41:38,980
and I look down,

1606
00:41:39,020 --> 00:41:40,011
and there's this huge

1607
00:41:40,051 --> 00:41:40,980
blacktip reef shark,

1608
00:41:41,020 --> 00:41:42,717
and underwater, you can't tell

1609
00:41:42,757 --> 00:41:43,980
if it's five feet away

1610
00:41:44,020 --> 00:41:44,980
or 20 feet away.

1611
00:41:45,020 --> 00:41:46,980
So I go to kick it immediately.

1612
00:41:47,020 --> 00:41:47,916
And I go back,

1613
00:41:47,956 --> 00:41:49,980
'cause I have my scuba tank on,

1614
00:41:50,020 --> 00:41:50,987
and my goggles

1615
00:41:51,027 --> 00:41:52,980
fill up with all this water,

1616
00:41:53,020 --> 00:41:54,980
and I can't see anything.

1617
00:41:55,020 --> 00:41:56,352
So I'm just sitting there,

1618
00:41:56,392 --> 00:41:57,980
waiting to be eaten by a shark,

1619
00:41:58,020 --> 00:41:58,980
and I can't see.

1620
00:41:59,020 --> 00:42:00,010
And you can't ascend

1621
00:42:00,050 --> 00:42:00,980
when you scuba dive

1622
00:42:01,020 --> 00:42:02,134
'cause you could hurt yourself

1623
00:42:02,174 --> 00:42:02,980
and your equilibrium--

1624
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:03,980
you can screw that up.

1625
00:42:04,020 --> 00:42:05,980
So I'm just panicking

1626
00:42:06,020 --> 00:42:06,836
and having, I think,

1627
00:42:06,876 --> 00:42:07,980
my very first panic attack.

1628
00:42:08,020 --> 00:42:08,922
I don't know what else

1629
00:42:08,962 --> 00:42:09,980
you could describe it as.

1630
00:42:10,020 --> 00:42:11,520
And I'm like, "Uhh, uhh!"

1631
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:12,425
And all of a sudden,

1632
00:42:12,465 --> 00:42:12,980
my divemaster comes down,

1633
00:42:13,020 --> 00:42:14,312
smashes my mask against

1634
00:42:14,352 --> 00:42:15,980
my face, looks me in the eye,

1635
00:42:16,020 --> 00:42:16,826
and he's like...

1636
00:42:16,866 --> 00:42:17,980
[breathing] "Breathe."

1637
00:42:18,020 --> 00:42:18,730
And then he holds my hand.

1638
00:42:18,770 --> 00:42:18,980
I'm like,

1639
00:42:19,020 --> 00:42:22,000
"Oh, I'm gonna fuck you.

1640
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,173
"I'm gonna--as soon as

1641
00:42:25,213 --> 00:42:25,980
we get to land,

1642
00:42:26,020 --> 00:42:26,415
"I'm gonna fuck

1643
00:42:26,455 --> 00:42:26,980
the shit out of you.

1644
00:42:27,020 --> 00:42:28,880
"This the hottest rescue

1645
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:29,980
I've ever had.

1646
00:42:30,020 --> 00:42:31,303
Oh, my God, I love

1647
00:42:31,343 --> 00:42:32,980
a man in charge of me."

1648
00:42:33,020 --> 00:42:33,843
And then we did

1649
00:42:33,883 --> 00:42:34,980
the rest of our dive

1650
00:42:35,020 --> 00:42:35,983
holding hands

1651
00:42:36,023 --> 00:42:37,980
like an underwater couple.

1652
00:42:38,020 --> 00:42:38,980
I've never been so happy.

1653
00:42:39,020 --> 00:42:39,894
My friends were

1654
00:42:39,934 --> 00:42:40,980
all looking at me,

1655
00:42:41,020 --> 00:42:43,564
giving me the finger

1656
00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:44,980
underwater.

1657
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:46,173
Then we got to the top

1658
00:42:46,213 --> 00:42:46,980
after our dive,

1659
00:42:47,020 --> 00:42:48,095
and we got in the little boat,

1660
00:42:48,135 --> 00:42:48,980
and he took his mask off

1661
00:42:49,020 --> 00:42:50,233
and I was like,

1662
00:42:50,273 --> 00:42:51,980
"Oh, whoopsie doodle.

1663
00:42:52,020 --> 00:42:53,985
You're gonna wanna

1664
00:42:54,025 --> 00:42:55,980
put that back on."

1665
00:42:56,020 --> 00:42:56,469
I was skiing in

1666
00:42:56,509 --> 00:42:56,980
Switzerland once

1667
00:42:57,020 --> 00:42:58,915
and I wiped out really badly

1668
00:42:58,955 --> 00:43:00,980
and I ended up tearing my ACL.

1669
00:43:01,020 --> 00:43:01,677
And so I'm, like, tumbling down

1670
00:43:01,717 --> 00:43:02,557
this mountain.

1671
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:03,870
I was skiing

1672
00:43:03,910 --> 00:43:04,980
out of control,

1673
00:43:05,020 --> 00:43:06,980
and I paid the price for it.

1674
00:43:07,020 --> 00:43:07,752
And I--as I'm crashing,

1675
00:43:07,792 --> 00:43:07,980
I hear,

1676
00:43:08,020 --> 00:43:08,588
click, click, click,

1677
00:43:08,628 --> 00:43:08,980
click, click.

1678
00:43:09,020 --> 00:43:10,156
And I'm like, oh my God,

1679
00:43:10,196 --> 00:43:10,980
my legs are gone.

1680
00:43:11,020 --> 00:43:11,541
You know, like,

1681
00:43:11,581 --> 00:43:11,980
I'll just be

1682
00:43:12,020 --> 00:43:14,208
a floating neck

1683
00:43:14,248 --> 00:43:15,980
when I stop.

1684
00:43:16,020 --> 00:43:17,261
And I stopped, finally,

1685
00:43:17,301 --> 00:43:17,980
and I look up

1686
00:43:18,020 --> 00:43:19,980
at my Austrian ski guide,

1687
00:43:20,020 --> 00:43:20,415
and he's, like,

1688
00:43:20,455 --> 00:43:20,980
smoking a cigarette.

1689
00:43:21,020 --> 00:43:21,987
He's like... [in accent]

1690
00:43:22,027 --> 00:43:22,980
"You just tore your ACL.

1691
00:43:23,020 --> 00:43:24,980
Helicopter is coming."

1692
00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,698
I was like, "Helicopter?

1693
00:43:26,738 --> 00:43:27,980
This is exciting."

1694
00:43:28,020 --> 00:43:29,517
And a helicopter came in,

1695
00:43:29,557 --> 00:43:30,980
we're in the Swiss Alps,

1696
00:43:31,020 --> 00:43:31,909
and my three girlfriends

1697
00:43:31,949 --> 00:43:32,980
are just staring at me like,

1698
00:43:33,020 --> 00:43:34,980
"Again?"

1699
00:43:35,020 --> 00:43:36,599
And they come down,

1700
00:43:36,639 --> 00:43:38,980
and these two medics run out

1701
00:43:39,020 --> 00:43:39,885
and they run over to me

1702
00:43:39,925 --> 00:43:40,980
and I'm lying on the ground.

1703
00:43:41,020 --> 00:43:42,049
And they're like,

1704
00:43:42,089 --> 00:43:42,980
"Are you okay?"

1705
00:43:43,020 --> 00:43:44,514
And I'm trying to be tough.

1706
00:43:44,554 --> 00:43:45,980
I'm like, "Yes, I'm okay."

1707
00:43:46,020 --> 00:43:46,404
They're like,

1708
00:43:46,444 --> 00:43:46,980
"Are you in pain?"

1709
00:43:47,020 --> 00:43:47,980
I'm like, "Nope."

1710
00:43:48,020 --> 00:43:48,535
And they're like,

1711
00:43:48,575 --> 00:43:48,980
"No morphine?"

1712
00:43:49,020 --> 00:43:52,000
I'm like, "I'm in pain!"

1713
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,863
And then they whisk me away

1714
00:43:56,903 --> 00:43:57,980
on the stretcher

1715
00:43:58,020 --> 00:43:59,341
back to the helicopter,

1716
00:43:59,381 --> 00:44:00,980
and I get in the helicopter.

1717
00:44:01,020 --> 00:44:01,836
The wind is blowing;

1718
00:44:01,876 --> 00:44:02,980
the propellers are blowing;

1719
00:44:03,020 --> 00:44:03,980
there's snow everywhere.

1720
00:44:04,020 --> 00:44:06,980
It was so romantic.

1721
00:44:07,020 --> 00:44:07,961
And I get in, and there's

1722
00:44:08,001 --> 00:44:08,980
two pilots and two medics.

1723
00:44:09,020 --> 00:44:10,201
I'm like, I'm gonna

1724
00:44:10,241 --> 00:44:11,980
fuck all four of these guys.

1725
00:44:12,020 --> 00:44:13,025
I'm like, this is gonna be

1726
00:44:13,065 --> 00:44:13,980
like a reverse gangbang.

1727
00:44:14,020 --> 00:44:16,980
Look at me.

1728
00:44:17,020 --> 00:44:18,248
So turned on,

1729
00:44:18,288 --> 00:44:20,980
so turned on by that rescue.

1730
00:44:21,020 --> 00:44:22,758
I was like...

1731
00:44:22,798 --> 00:44:23,980
[moaning]

1732
00:44:24,020 --> 00:44:25,916
But it was a 45-minute ride

1733
00:44:25,956 --> 00:44:26,980
to the hospital

1734
00:44:27,020 --> 00:44:27,931
and they had

1735
00:44:27,971 --> 00:44:29,980
these thick German accents

1736
00:44:30,020 --> 00:44:30,484
and I'm a Jew,

1737
00:44:30,524 --> 00:44:30,980
so I was like,

1738
00:44:31,020 --> 00:44:32,297
well, I'm not fuckin'

1739
00:44:32,337 --> 00:44:32,980
these guys.

1740
00:44:33,020 --> 00:44:34,723
Not giving these Nazis

1741
00:44:34,763 --> 00:44:35,980
another victory.

1742
00:44:36,020 --> 00:44:37,697
I'll take one of you,

1743
00:44:37,737 --> 00:44:40,000
but not all four, not today.

1744
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:43,035
And when I finished

1745
00:44:43,075 --> 00:44:43,980
telling Dan that,

1746
00:44:44,020 --> 00:44:44,672
he was looking at me funny

1747
00:44:44,712 --> 00:44:44,980
and he said,

1748
00:44:45,020 --> 00:44:46,517
"You know, I really think

1749
00:44:46,557 --> 00:44:47,980
you need to settle down.

1750
00:44:48,020 --> 00:44:49,113
"You need to stop.

1751
00:44:49,153 --> 00:44:50,980
You're moving very, very fast.

1752
00:44:51,020 --> 00:44:51,980
"And it seems to me

1753
00:44:52,020 --> 00:44:53,232
that you could benefit a lot

1754
00:44:53,272 --> 00:44:53,980
from meditation."

1755
00:44:54,020 --> 00:44:55,347
And I was like...

1756
00:44:55,387 --> 00:44:55,980
[groans]

1757
00:44:56,020 --> 00:44:58,280
Meditation, to me, sounded like

1758
00:44:58,320 --> 00:44:59,980
room-temperature water.

1759
00:45:00,020 --> 00:45:01,004
And he said, "I want you

1760
00:45:01,044 --> 00:45:02,424
to commit to meditation

1761
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:03,980
for three months."

1762
00:45:04,020 --> 00:45:04,980
And I was like, "Three months?

1763
00:45:05,020 --> 00:45:08,000
That's like a pregnancy."

1764
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:13,270
And he was like, "Eh,

1765
00:45:13,310 --> 00:45:14,980
that's nine months, Chelsea.

1766
00:45:15,020 --> 00:45:16,122
Pregnancy is nine months,

1767
00:45:16,162 --> 00:45:16,980
and you know that."

1768
00:45:17,020 --> 00:45:18,283
I go, "You know what, Dan,

1769
00:45:18,323 --> 00:45:18,980
some are nine,

1770
00:45:19,020 --> 00:45:19,980
"some are three, some are one.

1771
00:45:20,020 --> 00:45:23,233
Don't even get me started,

1772
00:45:23,273 --> 00:45:24,000
okay."

1773
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,559
And then cannabis became legal

1774
00:45:27,599 --> 00:45:28,980
in the state of California.

1775
00:45:29,020 --> 00:45:30,772
And there was all of this

1776
00:45:30,812 --> 00:45:32,980
education that has been missing

1777
00:45:33,020 --> 00:45:34,205
for all of these years

1778
00:45:34,245 --> 00:45:34,980
with cannabis.

1779
00:45:35,020 --> 00:45:35,354
You no longer had

1780
00:45:35,394 --> 00:45:36,960
to take a cookie and find out

1781
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,165
you were on a transcontinental

1782
00:45:39,205 --> 00:45:40,980
flight seven hours later.

1783
00:45:41,020 --> 00:45:42,963
Cannabis became my gateway drug

1784
00:45:43,003 --> 00:45:43,980
into meditating.

1785
00:45:44,020 --> 00:45:44,380
It allowed me

1786
00:45:44,420 --> 00:45:44,980
to, like, slow down.

1787
00:45:45,020 --> 00:45:47,129
It was cannabis and meditation

1788
00:45:47,169 --> 00:45:47,980
and therapy.

1789
00:45:48,020 --> 00:45:48,485
And it was working.

1790
00:45:48,525 --> 00:45:49,665
I was slowing down.

1791
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:51,071
And I was thinking

1792
00:45:51,111 --> 00:45:51,980
before I spoke,

1793
00:45:52,020 --> 00:45:53,283
which, before I met Dan,

1794
00:45:53,323 --> 00:45:53,980
was something

1795
00:45:54,020 --> 00:45:55,980
that never even occurred to me.

1796
00:45:56,020 --> 00:45:56,791
And with microdosing,

1797
00:45:56,831 --> 00:45:57,980
you know, you could take, like,

1798
00:45:58,020 --> 00:45:59,158
2 1/2 milligrams,

1799
00:45:59,198 --> 00:45:59,980
1 milligram,

1800
00:46:00,020 --> 00:46:00,760
5 milligrams--

1801
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:01,980
you take a blueberry--

1802
00:46:02,020 --> 00:46:03,122
you're never gonna be

1803
00:46:03,162 --> 00:46:03,980
off your rocker.

1804
00:46:04,020 --> 00:46:04,980
It just sanded down the edges,

1805
00:46:05,020 --> 00:46:06,366
and I stopped watching the news

1806
00:46:06,406 --> 00:46:06,980
24 hours a day

1807
00:46:07,020 --> 00:46:09,022
and I stopped being so angry

1808
00:46:09,062 --> 00:46:10,980
at Donald Trump and Ivanka.

1809
00:46:11,020 --> 00:46:12,349
You know, I was able

1810
00:46:12,389 --> 00:46:13,980
to focus on other things

1811
00:46:14,020 --> 00:46:15,010
and I was able to be

1812
00:46:15,050 --> 00:46:15,980
happier and lighter

1813
00:46:16,020 --> 00:46:17,738
and I started drinking less,

1814
00:46:17,778 --> 00:46:18,980
which was a sentence

1815
00:46:19,020 --> 00:46:20,770
that I thought would never ever

1816
00:46:20,810 --> 00:46:21,980
come out of my mouth.

1817
00:46:22,020 --> 00:46:22,986
And I was so excited

1818
00:46:23,026 --> 00:46:23,980
because now cannabis

1819
00:46:24,020 --> 00:46:25,533
can be a drug that you control,

1820
00:46:25,573 --> 00:46:26,980
not a drug that controls you.

1821
00:46:27,020 --> 00:46:28,360
So I was excited about

1822
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:29,980
the prospects of cannabis,

1823
00:46:30,020 --> 00:46:30,980
not only in my life,

1824
00:46:31,020 --> 00:46:32,485
but all my friends'

1825
00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:33,980
and family's lives.

1826
00:46:34,020 --> 00:46:34,968
All the people I've been

1827
00:46:35,008 --> 00:46:35,980
prescribing medication to

1828
00:46:36,020 --> 00:46:38,258
were now getting cannabis

1829
00:46:38,298 --> 00:46:38,980
instead.

1830
00:46:39,020 --> 00:46:39,706
Anybody who had trouble

1831
00:46:39,746 --> 00:46:40,286
sleeping,

1832
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:41,980
I'm like, try this gummy.

1833
00:46:42,020 --> 00:46:42,943
Anybody who had anxiety,

1834
00:46:42,983 --> 00:46:43,980
I'm like, try this edible,

1835
00:46:44,020 --> 00:46:45,341
try this mint, try this

1836
00:46:45,381 --> 00:46:46,980
chocolate-covered blueberry.

1837
00:46:47,020 --> 00:46:47,810
It was helping

1838
00:46:47,850 --> 00:46:48,980
all sorts of people,

1839
00:46:49,020 --> 00:46:50,103
and I was doing research

1840
00:46:50,143 --> 00:46:50,980
and collecting data

1841
00:46:51,020 --> 00:46:52,520
and I was keeping notes

1842
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,000
in my medical journal.

1843
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:56,030
The best part, I think,

1844
00:46:56,070 --> 00:46:56,980
about edibles is that

1845
00:46:57,020 --> 00:46:58,149
you take a little edible,

1846
00:46:58,189 --> 00:46:58,980
and then sometimes

1847
00:46:59,020 --> 00:47:00,980
you forget you've taken one,

1848
00:47:01,020 --> 00:47:02,042
and then, like, 45 minutes

1849
00:47:02,082 --> 00:47:03,462
later, you're like, mm,

1850
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:05,540
everything's a little bit

1851
00:47:05,580 --> 00:47:06,980
more sparkly, you know?

1852
00:47:07,020 --> 00:47:08,027
Everybody's a little bit

1853
00:47:08,067 --> 00:47:08,980
less fuckin' annoying,

1854
00:47:09,020 --> 00:47:10,510
and you're like, yeah, I could

1855
00:47:10,550 --> 00:47:11,980
talk to you for another hour.

1856
00:47:12,020 --> 00:47:13,646
So my family came out

1857
00:47:13,686 --> 00:47:14,980
to visit me in LA

1858
00:47:15,020 --> 00:47:15,980
for Thanksgiving,

1859
00:47:16,020 --> 00:47:16,843
and my sister's

1860
00:47:16,883 --> 00:47:18,083
a recovering Mormon,

1861
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,081
and I said, "Hey, I want you

1862
00:47:21,121 --> 00:47:21,980
to try this.

1863
00:47:22,020 --> 00:47:22,554
"Like, I know you don't like

1864
00:47:22,594 --> 00:47:22,980
fun, but do you wanna

1865
00:47:23,020 --> 00:47:25,094
try this chocolate-covered

1866
00:47:25,134 --> 00:47:25,980
blueberry?"

1867
00:47:26,020 --> 00:47:26,405
I said, "I think

1868
00:47:26,445 --> 00:47:26,980
you're gonna like it."

1869
00:47:27,020 --> 00:47:27,349
And she's like,

1870
00:47:27,389 --> 00:47:27,980
"Yeah, yeah, I'll try it."

1871
00:47:28,020 --> 00:47:29,980
And she loved it.

1872
00:47:30,020 --> 00:47:30,670
She came back into the kitchen

1873
00:47:30,710 --> 00:47:31,550
an hour later.

1874
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:32,869
She goes, "Oh, sissy,

1875
00:47:32,909 --> 00:47:33,980
I feel so warm and fuzzy."

1876
00:47:34,020 --> 00:47:35,980
I go, "Isn't it great?"

1877
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:36,417
And she goes,

1878
00:47:36,457 --> 00:47:36,980
"Oh, my God, yes.

1879
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:37,818
"This is, like,

1880
00:47:37,858 --> 00:47:38,980
better than drinking.

1881
00:47:39,020 --> 00:47:39,861
This is just--

1882
00:47:39,901 --> 00:47:40,980
I love everybody."

1883
00:47:41,020 --> 00:47:41,922
And I'm like, "I know.

1884
00:47:41,962 --> 00:47:42,980
Do you want another one?"

1885
00:47:43,020 --> 00:47:44,011
She said, "Can I?"

1886
00:47:44,051 --> 00:47:44,980
I go, "Oh, yeah."

1887
00:47:45,020 --> 00:47:46,341
And I put in my medical

1888
00:47:46,381 --> 00:47:48,061
journal, "She's taking two."

1889
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,092
An hour later, she walked

1890
00:47:54,132 --> 00:47:54,980
into the living room

1891
00:47:55,020 --> 00:47:55,955
from the kitchen

1892
00:47:55,995 --> 00:47:56,980
with a frozen ham

1893
00:47:57,020 --> 00:47:59,980
underneath her arm.

1894
00:48:00,020 --> 00:48:01,160
And I'm like, "What--what--

1895
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:01,980
what's that about?"

1896
00:48:02,020 --> 00:48:03,412
I'm like, "You wanna

1897
00:48:03,452 --> 00:48:04,980
cook a ham right now?"

1898
00:48:05,020 --> 00:48:06,624
She's like, "No, I just opened

1899
00:48:06,664 --> 00:48:07,980
the freezer and saw this,

1900
00:48:08,020 --> 00:48:11,000
and it reminded me of Mom."

1901
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:13,706
I was like, "Oh, sissy,

1902
00:48:13,746 --> 00:48:14,980
let's go to bed."

1903
00:48:15,020 --> 00:48:15,986
So we went upstairs,

1904
00:48:16,026 --> 00:48:16,980
and we got into bed.

1905
00:48:17,020 --> 00:48:17,841
I took the frozen ham

1906
00:48:17,881 --> 00:48:18,980
and I threw it in the sauna.

1907
00:48:19,020 --> 00:48:21,032
I was like, this will be ready

1908
00:48:21,072 --> 00:48:22,000
at some point.

1909
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:24,443
And we got into bed,

1910
00:48:24,483 --> 00:48:25,863
and we were just, like,

1911
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:27,143
snuggling and cuddling

1912
00:48:27,183 --> 00:48:27,980
like sisters do,

1913
00:48:28,020 --> 00:48:29,038
and we were laughing

1914
00:48:29,078 --> 00:48:29,980
and it was so fun.

1915
00:48:30,020 --> 00:48:30,711
And it was like

1916
00:48:30,751 --> 00:48:31,980
we were like little girls.

1917
00:48:32,020 --> 00:48:32,573
And she was like,

1918
00:48:32,613 --> 00:48:32,980
"Oh, my God.

1919
00:48:33,020 --> 00:48:34,980
This the best feeling."

1920
00:48:35,020 --> 00:48:35,620
She's like, "I can't believe

1921
00:48:35,660 --> 00:48:35,980
we're in our 40s

1922
00:48:36,020 --> 00:48:36,985
"and we still get

1923
00:48:37,025 --> 00:48:37,980
to act like this.

1924
00:48:38,020 --> 00:48:39,839
How long are we gonna be able

1925
00:48:39,879 --> 00:48:40,980
to act like this?"

1926
00:48:41,020 --> 00:48:42,333
And I'm like, "Sissy, we will

1927
00:48:42,373 --> 00:48:42,980
always be able

1928
00:48:43,020 --> 00:48:43,980
to act like this."

1929
00:48:44,020 --> 00:48:45,352
And then I stuck my finger

1930
00:48:45,392 --> 00:48:45,980
in her butt,

1931
00:48:46,020 --> 00:48:49,000
and she passed right out.

1932
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:53,146
So I walked into Dan's office

1933
00:48:53,186 --> 00:48:54,446
after my family left,

1934
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:55,980
and I was like, "Hey, Dan."

1935
00:48:56,020 --> 00:48:56,125
I go,

1936
00:48:56,165 --> 00:48:57,965
"Cannabis has changed my life.

1937
00:48:58,000 --> 00:48:58,980
I'm meditating"--

1938
00:48:59,020 --> 00:49:00,317
I was meditating every morning

1939
00:49:00,357 --> 00:49:00,980
for 20 minutes.

1940
00:49:01,020 --> 00:49:01,980
I was going to the airport.

1941
00:49:02,020 --> 00:49:02,886
I wasn't even going

1942
00:49:02,926 --> 00:49:03,980
to the Fox News lounge.

1943
00:49:04,020 --> 00:49:04,980
I wasn't yelling at people

1944
00:49:05,020 --> 00:49:06,257
who disagreed with me

1945
00:49:06,297 --> 00:49:06,980
politically.

1946
00:49:07,020 --> 00:49:07,539
I was trying

1947
00:49:07,579 --> 00:49:08,980
to have compassion and empathy.

1948
00:49:09,020 --> 00:49:10,980
And I was being more patient,

1949
00:49:11,020 --> 00:49:12,672
and I was holding my tongue

1950
00:49:12,712 --> 00:49:12,980
more.

1951
00:49:13,020 --> 00:49:13,536
And I said, "You know,

1952
00:49:13,576 --> 00:49:13,980
listen, Dan, like,

1953
00:49:14,020 --> 00:49:14,849
"cannabis is the way

1954
00:49:14,889 --> 00:49:15,980
to keep families together.

1955
00:49:16,020 --> 00:49:17,260
"Like, this is the best

1956
00:49:17,300 --> 00:49:18,980
family vacation we've ever had.

1957
00:49:19,020 --> 00:49:21,688
Like, everyone got along.

1958
00:49:21,728 --> 00:49:22,980
It was fun."

1959
00:49:23,020 --> 00:49:23,436
And he said, "Great.

1960
00:49:23,476 --> 00:49:23,980
I'm in support of that."

1961
00:49:24,020 --> 00:49:25,301
And he handed me an orange,

1962
00:49:25,341 --> 00:49:25,980
very casually.

1963
00:49:26,020 --> 00:49:27,573
He said, "Hey, I picked this

1964
00:49:27,613 --> 00:49:28,980
off my tree this morning.

1965
00:49:29,020 --> 00:49:30,357
I thought you might like

1966
00:49:30,397 --> 00:49:30,980
an orange."

1967
00:49:31,020 --> 00:49:34,000
And I was revolted.

1968
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:35,458
I was like, "Orange?"

1969
00:49:35,498 --> 00:49:35,980
I'm like, first of all,

1970
00:49:36,020 --> 00:49:37,072
he knows how I feel

1971
00:49:37,112 --> 00:49:37,980
about this color

1972
00:49:38,020 --> 00:49:41,000
since the election.

1973
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,980
And then I burst into tears,

1974
00:49:49,020 --> 00:49:49,906
and I was so embarrassed,

1975
00:49:49,946 --> 00:49:50,980
'cause he had not seen me cry

1976
00:49:51,020 --> 00:49:51,587
and I didn't want him

1977
00:49:51,627 --> 00:49:51,980
to see me cry.

1978
00:49:52,020 --> 00:49:53,399
And I immediately put up

1979
00:49:53,439 --> 00:49:53,980
the orange

1980
00:49:54,020 --> 00:49:54,980
in front of my eyes.

1981
00:49:55,020 --> 00:49:55,980
I was, like, holding it,

1982
00:49:56,020 --> 00:49:57,283
and then I was stabbing it

1983
00:49:57,323 --> 00:49:57,980
with my thumb,

1984
00:49:58,020 --> 00:50:00,010
so the citrus was squirting

1985
00:50:00,050 --> 00:50:00,980
into my eyes.

1986
00:50:01,020 --> 00:50:01,980
I was like, "Ow, shit."

1987
00:50:02,020 --> 00:50:03,980
And then I was really crying,

1988
00:50:04,020 --> 00:50:04,501
and then I was, like,

1989
00:50:04,541 --> 00:50:04,980
convulsively crying.

1990
00:50:05,020 --> 00:50:06,244
And there was snot

1991
00:50:06,284 --> 00:50:07,980
coming out of everywhere.

1992
00:50:08,020 --> 00:50:08,841
And then at one point,

1993
00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:09,980
somehow, snot had alley-ooped

1994
00:50:10,020 --> 00:50:11,404
up to my forehead and then

1995
00:50:11,444 --> 00:50:12,980
dropped back down to my chin.

1996
00:50:13,020 --> 00:50:13,980
I looked like Brett Kavanaugh

1997
00:50:14,020 --> 00:50:15,773
during his senate

1998
00:50:15,813 --> 00:50:17,980
confirmation hearing.

1999
00:50:18,020 --> 00:50:21,000
[imitates wailing]

2000
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,980
Like a big white male baby.

2001
00:50:25,020 --> 00:50:26,980
[groans]

2002
00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:29,000
And finally, I dropped it.

2003
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:31,200
And I looked at him,

2004
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:34,980
and I knew I had no way out.

2005
00:50:35,020 --> 00:50:36,533
And I said, "I need to tell you

2006
00:50:36,573 --> 00:50:37,980
about the day my brother died

2007
00:50:38,020 --> 00:50:39,631
and what happened

2008
00:50:39,671 --> 00:50:40,980
to my family."

2009
00:50:41,020 --> 00:50:41,887
And I told him

2010
00:50:41,927 --> 00:50:42,980
about my brother,

2011
00:50:43,020 --> 00:50:44,042
that there were six of us,

2012
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:44,980
and I was the youngest.

2013
00:50:45,020 --> 00:50:46,185
I was the baby, and my brother

2014
00:50:46,225 --> 00:50:46,980
Chet was the oldest.

2015
00:50:47,020 --> 00:50:49,012
He was the only family member

2016
00:50:49,052 --> 00:50:49,980
who understood

2017
00:50:50,020 --> 00:50:50,753
that I was born

2018
00:50:50,793 --> 00:50:51,980
going through menopause,

2019
00:50:52,020 --> 00:50:54,980
that I was a sweaty baby,

2020
00:50:55,020 --> 00:50:56,695
you know, and that eventually

2021
00:50:56,735 --> 00:50:57,980
I would have to retire

2022
00:50:58,020 --> 00:50:59,107
somewhere probably

2023
00:50:59,147 --> 00:50:59,980
in the Arctic.

2024
00:51:00,020 --> 00:51:01,352
And he was the only person

2025
00:51:01,392 --> 00:51:01,980
in my family

2026
00:51:02,020 --> 00:51:03,185
who knew that when I ate soup,

2027
00:51:03,225 --> 00:51:03,980
I had to be topless,

2028
00:51:04,020 --> 00:51:05,011
'cause I would

2029
00:51:05,051 --> 00:51:07,000
immediately start sweating.

2030
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:11,006
And when I was a little girl,

2031
00:51:11,046 --> 00:51:11,980
that was fine.

2032
00:51:12,020 --> 00:51:13,430
And--but when I was eight,

2033
00:51:13,470 --> 00:51:13,980
I remember

2034
00:51:14,020 --> 00:51:15,054
we had this summer house

2035
00:51:15,094 --> 00:51:15,980
in Martha's Vineyard,

2036
00:51:16,020 --> 00:51:17,646
and my--my--my, like,

2037
00:51:17,686 --> 00:51:18,980
buds had come in.

2038
00:51:19,020 --> 00:51:20,111
You know, they weren't

2039
00:51:20,151 --> 00:51:20,980
really boobs yet,

2040
00:51:21,020 --> 00:51:21,609
but they were just, like,

2041
00:51:21,649 --> 00:51:21,980
flappy titties,

2042
00:51:22,020 --> 00:51:22,881
where your, like,

2043
00:51:22,921 --> 00:51:23,980
nipple just goes down

2044
00:51:24,020 --> 00:51:25,441
before it's gonna burst,

2045
00:51:25,481 --> 00:51:25,980
you know.

2046
00:51:26,020 --> 00:51:27,307
And I remember hearing

2047
00:51:27,347 --> 00:51:28,980
my father say to my brother,

2048
00:51:29,020 --> 00:51:29,963
"You gotta cover her up

2049
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:31,443
if you go into town now.

2050
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:32,412
Like, she can't

2051
00:51:32,452 --> 00:51:32,980
be topless anymore."

2052
00:51:33,020 --> 00:51:33,980
'Cause I walked around topless

2053
00:51:34,020 --> 00:51:35,980
my entire childhood.

2054
00:51:36,020 --> 00:51:37,980
And I remember hearing that.

2055
00:51:38,020 --> 00:51:38,735
I'm like, "Ugh.

2056
00:51:38,775 --> 00:51:39,980
What's he talking about?"

2057
00:51:40,020 --> 00:51:41,341
And my brother

2058
00:51:41,381 --> 00:51:42,980
took me into town

2059
00:51:43,020 --> 00:51:43,438
to go to this place

2060
00:51:43,478 --> 00:51:44,858
called the Quarterdeck,

2061
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:45,582
where we would always

2062
00:51:45,622 --> 00:51:45,980
get fast food.

2063
00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,011
We would get--I mean,

2064
00:51:47,051 --> 00:51:47,980
it wasn't fast food,

2065
00:51:48,020 --> 00:51:48,598
but it was, like, you know,

2066
00:51:48,638 --> 00:51:48,980
a Vineyard place.

2067
00:51:49,020 --> 00:51:49,929
You get takeout,

2068
00:51:49,969 --> 00:51:50,980
like, fried clams,

2069
00:51:51,020 --> 00:51:51,980
or a lobster roll

2070
00:51:52,020 --> 00:51:52,296
or steamers

2071
00:51:52,336 --> 00:51:52,980
or whatever you're into.

2072
00:51:53,020 --> 00:51:54,079
And I remember that day.

2073
00:51:54,119 --> 00:51:54,980
I was sitting there,

2074
00:51:55,020 --> 00:51:55,485
and I was holding

2075
00:51:55,525 --> 00:51:55,980
my brother's hand

2076
00:51:56,020 --> 00:51:57,195
at the takeout counter,

2077
00:51:57,235 --> 00:51:57,980
and I was like,

2078
00:51:58,020 --> 00:51:58,980
"I'll have the clam chowder."

2079
00:51:59,020 --> 00:52:00,980
He's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

2080
00:52:01,020 --> 00:52:02,244
He goes, "No cla--

2081
00:52:02,284 --> 00:52:04,000
let's not do soup today."

2082
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:05,568
And I said, "What do you mean?

2083
00:52:05,608 --> 00:52:05,980
I want clam chowder."

2084
00:52:06,020 --> 00:52:08,135
He's like, "Ehh, that's not--

2085
00:52:08,175 --> 00:52:09,980
we can't have that today.

2086
00:52:10,020 --> 00:52:11,980
"Like, we can take it to go,

2087
00:52:12,020 --> 00:52:12,986
"but we can't sit out

2088
00:52:13,026 --> 00:52:13,980
and eat clam chowder.

2089
00:52:14,020 --> 00:52:15,669
We'll explain it to you

2090
00:52:15,709 --> 00:52:16,980
when we get home."

2091
00:52:17,020 --> 00:52:17,769
And I was like,

2092
00:52:17,809 --> 00:52:18,980
"But I really want it."

2093
00:52:19,020 --> 00:52:20,980
And he said, "Okay.

2094
00:52:21,020 --> 00:52:21,534
"If you really want it,

2095
00:52:21,574 --> 00:52:22,714
we can go in my car

2096
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:23,582
and you can eat it

2097
00:52:23,622 --> 00:52:23,980
in the car."

2098
00:52:24,020 --> 00:52:24,791
And I was like,

2099
00:52:24,831 --> 00:52:25,980
"All right, whatever."

2100
00:52:26,020 --> 00:52:28,980
And I'll never forget that day.

2101
00:52:29,020 --> 00:52:30,980
I sat in my brother's car

2102
00:52:31,020 --> 00:52:33,880
eating my clam chowder

2103
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:35,980
with my top off,

2104
00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:38,000
just sweating.

2105
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:40,980
And my brother had his back

2106
00:52:41,020 --> 00:52:41,806
against the passenger's side

2107
00:52:41,846 --> 00:52:41,980
window

2108
00:52:42,020 --> 00:52:43,594
to cover up the little

2109
00:52:43,634 --> 00:52:44,980
eight-year-old girl

2110
00:52:45,020 --> 00:52:48,000
that was nude in his car.

2111
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:52,000
Just like R. Kelly.

2112
00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:58,146
And we used to have this game

2113
00:52:58,186 --> 00:52:58,980
where we'd be, like--

2114
00:52:59,020 --> 00:53:00,299
he'd come home from work,

2115
00:53:00,339 --> 00:53:00,980
and he'd come

2116
00:53:01,020 --> 00:53:01,980
running up to my parents' room,

2117
00:53:02,020 --> 00:53:03,165
and I was always hiding

2118
00:53:03,205 --> 00:53:03,980
under the covers

2119
00:53:04,020 --> 00:53:05,980
in my mom's bed.

2120
00:53:06,020 --> 00:53:06,887
And he'd come up and go,

2121
00:53:06,927 --> 00:53:07,980
"Where is she? Where is she?"

2122
00:53:08,020 --> 00:53:08,420
It'd be, like,

2123
00:53:08,460 --> 00:53:08,980
at 11:00 at night.

2124
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,062
And I'd hide under the covers

2125
00:53:10,102 --> 00:53:10,980
and my mom would be like,

2126
00:53:11,020 --> 00:53:12,980
"She's not here."

2127
00:53:13,020 --> 00:53:14,052
And I'd be like,

2128
00:53:14,092 --> 00:53:14,980
"Shut up, Mom.

2129
00:53:15,020 --> 00:53:16,980
You're not even in this game."

2130
00:53:17,020 --> 00:53:17,791
And then he'd grab me

2131
00:53:17,831 --> 00:53:18,980
by the ankles under the covers,

2132
00:53:19,020 --> 00:53:20,062
throw me over his shoulders

2133
00:53:20,102 --> 00:53:20,980
and we'd run downstairs

2134
00:53:21,020 --> 00:53:22,263
and we'd go into the kitchen

2135
00:53:22,303 --> 00:53:22,980
and I'd make him

2136
00:53:23,020 --> 00:53:24,980
a big bowl of Raisin Bran.

2137
00:53:25,020 --> 00:53:25,849
And I knew the exact

2138
00:53:25,889 --> 00:53:26,980
right ratio of Raisin Bran

2139
00:53:27,020 --> 00:53:28,107
to bananas to milk

2140
00:53:28,147 --> 00:53:28,980
that he liked.

2141
00:53:29,020 --> 00:53:29,980
And I would make him his dinner

2142
00:53:30,020 --> 00:53:31,261
and then we'd sit there

2143
00:53:31,301 --> 00:53:31,980
like a couple

2144
00:53:32,020 --> 00:53:33,980
and talk about our day.

2145
00:53:34,020 --> 00:53:35,276
And I remember him telling me

2146
00:53:35,316 --> 00:53:35,980
he wasn't coming

2147
00:53:36,020 --> 00:53:36,980
to Martha's Vineyard that year

2148
00:53:37,020 --> 00:53:38,097
because he was going

2149
00:53:38,137 --> 00:53:38,980
on a hiking trip

2150
00:53:39,020 --> 00:53:39,980
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

2151
00:53:40,020 --> 00:53:41,062
And I was mad because I would

2152
00:53:41,102 --> 00:53:41,980
always drive up with him,

2153
00:53:42,020 --> 00:53:42,745
and he would leave

2154
00:53:42,785 --> 00:53:43,980
the window down the whole way

2155
00:53:44,020 --> 00:53:45,728
so I could have fresh air

2156
00:53:45,768 --> 00:53:46,980
blowing in my face

2157
00:53:47,020 --> 00:53:49,000
and be topless.

2158
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:51,317
And he said, "Don't worry.

2159
00:53:51,357 --> 00:53:51,980
I'll meet you

2160
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:53,980
"in two weeks on the Vineyard.

2161
00:53:54,020 --> 00:53:55,133
I will never, ever

2162
00:53:55,173 --> 00:53:57,000
leave you with these people."

2163
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:00,153
And then he went

2164
00:54:00,193 --> 00:54:01,980
to Jackson Hole, Wyoming,

2165
00:54:02,020 --> 00:54:03,719
and fell off a cliff

2166
00:54:03,759 --> 00:54:06,000
and died three days later.

2167
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:10,660
[voice breaking]

2168
00:54:10,700 --> 00:54:12,980
And Dan said, "What...

2169
00:54:13,020 --> 00:54:14,980
then what happened?"

2170
00:54:15,020 --> 00:54:17,980
And I said, "I just--

2171
00:54:18,020 --> 00:54:18,826
"I just remember

2172
00:54:18,866 --> 00:54:19,980
going into the kitchen

2173
00:54:20,020 --> 00:54:21,075
"and throwing away

2174
00:54:21,115 --> 00:54:21,980
all the cereal.

2175
00:54:22,020 --> 00:54:23,056
"Like, cereal was over.

2176
00:54:23,096 --> 00:54:23,980
It was a wrap on it.

2177
00:54:24,020 --> 00:54:25,986
"Childhood was over.

2178
00:54:26,026 --> 00:54:27,980
Our family was over.

2179
00:54:28,020 --> 00:54:29,097
I haven't had cereal

2180
00:54:29,137 --> 00:54:30,097
since that day."

2181
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:35,180
And he said, "What happened

2182
00:54:35,220 --> 00:54:35,980
with your family?"

2183
00:54:36,020 --> 00:54:36,980
And I said, "It was awful."

2184
00:54:37,020 --> 00:54:38,168
My father was

2185
00:54:38,208 --> 00:54:39,980
this big, strong man

2186
00:54:40,020 --> 00:54:41,135
who was in charge of everything

2187
00:54:41,175 --> 00:54:41,980
and didn't fuck around.

2188
00:54:42,020 --> 00:54:43,980
I'd never seen my father cry.

2189
00:54:44,020 --> 00:54:45,980
And I remember sitting shiva--

2190
00:54:46,020 --> 00:54:47,111
you know, what Jews do

2191
00:54:47,151 --> 00:54:48,171
when people die--

2192
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:49,923
with all these relatives

2193
00:54:49,963 --> 00:54:50,980
and neighbors and strangers

2194
00:54:51,020 --> 00:54:52,273
coming to our house,

2195
00:54:52,313 --> 00:54:52,980
and my dad,

2196
00:54:53,020 --> 00:54:54,485
who was so strong

2197
00:54:54,525 --> 00:54:55,980
and so in charge,

2198
00:54:56,020 --> 00:54:57,486
sitting on the couch

2199
00:54:57,526 --> 00:54:58,980
like a baby, crying.

2200
00:54:59,020 --> 00:55:00,487
And I was looking at him,

2201
00:55:00,527 --> 00:55:01,980
and I was so embarrassed.

2202
00:55:02,020 --> 00:55:02,695
I was like,

2203
00:55:02,735 --> 00:55:03,980
"What are you doing?

2204
00:55:04,020 --> 00:55:04,529
"What is happening,

2205
00:55:04,569 --> 00:55:05,529
what--he's dead,

2206
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:06,517
"and you're gonna di--

2207
00:55:06,557 --> 00:55:06,980
what are you doing?

2208
00:55:07,020 --> 00:55:08,113
"Where the fuck

2209
00:55:08,153 --> 00:55:09,980
are the adults right now?

2210
00:55:10,020 --> 00:55:11,201
I'm nine, I--

2211
00:55:11,241 --> 00:55:13,000
what is happening?"

2212
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:17,389
And I remember, I thought,

2213
00:55:17,429 --> 00:55:17,980
oh, I got--

2214
00:55:18,020 --> 00:55:18,980
I gotta grow up.

2215
00:55:19,020 --> 00:55:20,985
This is--this is it.

2216
00:55:21,025 --> 00:55:21,980
It's over.

2217
00:55:22,020 --> 00:55:24,370
And at some point, we went back

2218
00:55:24,410 --> 00:55:25,980
to Martha's Vineyard,

2219
00:55:26,020 --> 00:55:27,117
to our summer house, and my dad

2220
00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:27,980
was sitting on the deck,

2221
00:55:28,020 --> 00:55:29,336
and we had a house

2222
00:55:29,376 --> 00:55:30,980
in front of the water.

2223
00:55:31,020 --> 00:55:31,980
And he was sitting on the deck,

2224
00:55:32,020 --> 00:55:33,350
and my parents' faces had

2225
00:55:33,390 --> 00:55:34,980
changed after my brother died.

2226
00:55:35,020 --> 00:55:36,527
They were just old,

2227
00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:37,980
all of the sudden.

2228
00:55:38,020 --> 00:55:38,960
And they were gray--

2229
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:39,980
and gray in the face,

2230
00:55:40,020 --> 00:55:41,980
and I wanted joy back.

2231
00:55:42,020 --> 00:55:42,390
I didn't know

2232
00:55:42,430 --> 00:55:42,980
what was happening.

2233
00:55:43,020 --> 00:55:44,283
I just wanted to bring joy

2234
00:55:44,323 --> 00:55:44,980
to them again.

2235
00:55:45,020 --> 00:55:47,162
I wanted them to laugh again.

2236
00:55:47,202 --> 00:55:47,980
I wanted...

2237
00:55:48,020 --> 00:55:50,000
anything to happen.

2238
00:55:51,000 --> 00:55:51,980
And I remember I walked outside

2239
00:55:52,020 --> 00:55:53,135
and I saw my father

2240
00:55:53,175 --> 00:55:53,980
sitting there,

2241
00:55:54,020 --> 00:55:54,980
just holding his head.

2242
00:55:55,020 --> 00:55:56,360
And it was a beautiful

2243
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:56,980
sunny day,

2244
00:55:57,020 --> 00:55:58,340
and I said, "Hey, Dad,

2245
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:00,067
"can we please just

2246
00:56:00,107 --> 00:56:00,980
go in the water?

2247
00:56:01,020 --> 00:56:01,980
I was like, "Please?"

2248
00:56:02,020 --> 00:56:02,564
And he said,

2249
00:56:02,604 --> 00:56:04,344
"No one's going in the water.

2250
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,980
My boy is dead."

2251
00:56:07,020 --> 00:56:09,980
And I walked off the deck,

2252
00:56:10,020 --> 00:56:10,760
and I thought,

2253
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:11,980
I'm gonna go in alone.

2254
00:56:12,020 --> 00:56:12,832
And the only rule

2255
00:56:12,872 --> 00:56:13,980
in my family growing up

2256
00:56:14,020 --> 00:56:15,485
was you could not

2257
00:56:15,525 --> 00:56:16,980
swim by yourself.

2258
00:56:17,020 --> 00:56:19,366
You could shoot heroin

2259
00:56:19,406 --> 00:56:20,980
or hide a body,

2260
00:56:21,020 --> 00:56:22,980
but you could not swim alone.

2261
00:56:23,020 --> 00:56:23,759
"Jaws" was filmed

2262
00:56:23,799 --> 00:56:24,980
on Martha's Vineyard, okay.

2263
00:56:25,020 --> 00:56:25,432
We were scared of

2264
00:56:25,472 --> 00:56:25,980
that mechanical shark

2265
00:56:26,020 --> 00:56:27,980
for a long time.

2266
00:56:28,020 --> 00:56:28,980
But I didn't care, 'cause--

2267
00:56:29,020 --> 00:56:30,527
and I was so scared

2268
00:56:30,567 --> 00:56:31,980
to defy my father.

2269
00:56:32,020 --> 00:56:33,168
My father would--you know,

2270
00:56:33,208 --> 00:56:33,980
he would smack me.

2271
00:56:34,020 --> 00:56:35,980
Like, I was scared of him,

2272
00:56:36,020 --> 00:56:37,520
especially in that state.

2273
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:39,255
But I didn't care

2274
00:56:39,295 --> 00:56:40,980
because my need for joy

2275
00:56:41,020 --> 00:56:42,980
was paramount to my fear.

2276
00:56:43,020 --> 00:56:44,980
And I walked off the deck,

2277
00:56:45,020 --> 00:56:45,681
and I remember

2278
00:56:45,721 --> 00:56:46,980
walking down to the water,

2279
00:56:47,020 --> 00:56:48,215
and I just said,

2280
00:56:48,255 --> 00:56:49,980
keep going, keep going.

2281
00:56:50,020 --> 00:56:51,291
And I got in the water,

2282
00:56:51,331 --> 00:56:52,980
and I swam out, like, 20 yards

2283
00:56:53,020 --> 00:56:55,980
and I turned around.

2284
00:56:56,020 --> 00:56:58,000
And he had gone inside.

2285
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:03,980
And...

2286
00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:04,528
Dan said,

2287
00:57:04,568 --> 00:57:05,980
"Sit with that feeling."

2288
00:57:06,020 --> 00:57:07,603
And I said, "I can't.

2289
00:57:07,643 --> 00:57:08,980
It's too painful."

2290
00:57:09,020 --> 00:57:09,862
He said, "Sit with it.

2291
00:57:09,902 --> 00:57:11,582
What do you feel right now?"

2292
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:13,874
I'm like, "I'm so angry.

2293
00:57:13,914 --> 00:57:14,980
I'm so angry."

2294
00:57:15,020 --> 00:57:16,120
And he said, "Yes, but what's

2295
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:16,980
underneath the anger?"

2296
00:57:17,020 --> 00:57:18,064
And I'm like, "Hurt.

2297
00:57:18,104 --> 00:57:18,980
I'm fucking hurt.

2298
00:57:19,020 --> 00:57:20,547
"I'm hurt that my brother

2299
00:57:20,587 --> 00:57:21,980
went off and ditched me

2300
00:57:22,020 --> 00:57:22,803
"when he told me

2301
00:57:22,843 --> 00:57:23,980
he was gonna come back.

2302
00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:25,980
And then my father ditched me."

2303
00:57:26,020 --> 00:57:26,765
And he said, "Yes,

2304
00:57:26,805 --> 00:57:27,980
what's underneath the hurt?"

2305
00:57:28,020 --> 00:57:29,333
I'm like, "I don't know, Dan,

2306
00:57:29,373 --> 00:57:29,980
I'm paying you

2307
00:57:30,020 --> 00:57:30,508
to tell me

2308
00:57:30,548 --> 00:57:31,980
what's underneath the hurt."

2309
00:57:32,020 --> 00:57:33,980
He said, "Rejection.

2310
00:57:34,020 --> 00:57:35,980
"You took that as rejection,

2311
00:57:36,020 --> 00:57:36,816
"because that's what

2312
00:57:36,856 --> 00:57:37,980
a nine-year-old girl thinks.

2313
00:57:38,020 --> 00:57:38,951
"It doesn't matter that your

2314
00:57:38,991 --> 00:57:39,980
brother had a hiking accident.

2315
00:57:40,020 --> 00:57:41,207
"It matters that he told you

2316
00:57:41,247 --> 00:57:41,980
he was coming back

2317
00:57:42,020 --> 00:57:42,980
"and he didn't come back,

2318
00:57:43,020 --> 00:57:44,312
"so for a nine-year-old

2319
00:57:44,352 --> 00:57:45,980
little girl, he rejected you.

2320
00:57:46,020 --> 00:57:47,219
"And then your father

2321
00:57:47,259 --> 00:57:47,980
rejected you,

2322
00:57:48,020 --> 00:57:49,546
"so you were broken up with

2323
00:57:49,586 --> 00:57:50,980
twice by the age of nine.

2324
00:57:51,020 --> 00:57:51,936
"This is why,

2325
00:57:51,976 --> 00:57:53,980
when I handed you an orange,

2326
00:57:54,020 --> 00:57:55,980
"you were revolted,

2327
00:57:56,020 --> 00:57:57,370
"because it requires you

2328
00:57:57,410 --> 00:57:58,980
to be vulnerable with a man,

2329
00:57:59,020 --> 00:57:59,980
"and you don't trust men,

2330
00:58:00,020 --> 00:58:02,050
because the two men

2331
00:58:02,090 --> 00:58:05,000
you trusted the most lied."

2332
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,874
And he said, "This is where

2333
00:58:09,914 --> 00:58:11,980
your lack of empathy comes in.

2334
00:58:12,020 --> 00:58:12,798
"How are you meant

2335
00:58:12,838 --> 00:58:13,980
to have empathy for anyone

2336
00:58:14,020 --> 00:58:15,133
"when you've never even

2337
00:58:15,173 --> 00:58:15,980
grieved yourself?

2338
00:58:16,020 --> 00:58:17,297
"You've never allowed

2339
00:58:17,337 --> 00:58:17,980
yourself to

2340
00:58:18,020 --> 00:58:20,980
because you had to be strong."

2341
00:58:21,020 --> 00:58:22,552
And I'm looking at him,

2342
00:58:22,592 --> 00:58:23,980
hearing these things,

2343
00:58:24,020 --> 00:58:25,980
and I'm like...

2344
00:58:26,020 --> 00:58:27,354
"Oh, my God,

2345
00:58:27,394 --> 00:58:30,000
I wanna fuck you, too."

2346
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,147
He's like, "You don't

2347
00:58:34,187 --> 00:58:34,980
wanna fuck me."

2348
00:58:35,020 --> 00:58:35,284
I'm like,

2349
00:58:35,324 --> 00:58:36,584
"I do in this moment.

2350
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:39,980
I wanna fuck you."

2351
00:58:40,020 --> 00:58:41,370
He's like, "No, you want

2352
00:58:41,410 --> 00:58:42,980
someone to take care of you.

2353
00:58:43,020 --> 00:58:43,980
"That's why you hire guides

2354
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:45,233
"and why you hook up

2355
00:58:45,273 --> 00:58:45,980
with guides,

2356
00:58:46,020 --> 00:58:48,158
'cause you're paying them

2357
00:58:48,198 --> 00:58:50,000
to take care of you."

2358
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:51,628
And he's like,

2359
00:58:51,668 --> 00:58:52,980
"And you're also paying them,

2360
00:58:53,020 --> 00:58:53,338
technically,

2361
00:58:53,378 --> 00:58:53,980
to have sex with you."

2362
00:58:54,020 --> 00:58:54,854
I'm like,

2363
00:58:54,894 --> 00:58:57,000
"Dan, that's too far."

2364
00:58:58,000 --> 00:58:59,739
I didn't know that my brother's

2365
00:58:59,779 --> 00:59:00,980
death was defining me.

2366
00:59:01,020 --> 00:59:02,187
I didn't know that

2367
00:59:02,227 --> 00:59:03,980
I had the ability to say no

2368
00:59:04,020 --> 00:59:05,980
to being defined by death.

2369
00:59:06,020 --> 00:59:06,980
[sighs]

2370
00:59:07,020 --> 00:59:08,980
Now I was with a person

2371
00:59:09,020 --> 00:59:10,958
who could help me process

2372
00:59:10,998 --> 00:59:11,980
what happened

2373
00:59:12,020 --> 00:59:13,188
and turn the parts of me

2374
00:59:13,228 --> 00:59:13,980
that still acted

2375
00:59:14,020 --> 00:59:15,273
like a nine-year-old

2376
00:59:15,313 --> 00:59:15,980
little girl

2377
00:59:16,020 --> 00:59:17,980
into a self-actualized adult

2378
00:59:18,020 --> 00:59:18,791
who had come to

2379
00:59:18,831 --> 00:59:19,980
a better understanding

2380
00:59:20,020 --> 00:59:20,852
of what it means

2381
00:59:20,892 --> 00:59:21,980
to dig deep and admit

2382
00:59:22,020 --> 00:59:23,980
that you're in pain,

2383
00:59:24,020 --> 00:59:25,386
thereby relinquishing

2384
00:59:25,426 --> 00:59:25,980
that pain

2385
00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:26,818
or beginning to

2386
00:59:26,858 --> 00:59:27,980
relinquish that pain.

2387
00:59:28,020 --> 00:59:29,460
My brother dying no longer

2388
00:59:29,500 --> 00:59:30,980
had to define my existence.

2389
00:59:31,020 --> 00:59:32,394
It's part of who I am--

2390
00:59:32,434 --> 00:59:33,980
perhaps the biggest part--

2391
00:59:34,020 --> 00:59:36,980
but it's not all of me.

2392
00:59:37,020 --> 00:59:38,980
I define me.

2393
00:59:39,020 --> 00:59:40,980
I decide who I am.

2394
00:59:41,020 --> 00:59:44,000
No event or person does this.

2395
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:45,236
I decide

2396
00:59:45,276 --> 00:59:45,980
how I'm going to behave

2397
00:59:46,020 --> 00:59:47,152
and I know now that

2398
00:59:47,192 --> 00:59:48,980
vulnerability is not weakness,

2399
00:59:49,020 --> 00:59:53,000
that vulnerability is strength.

2400
00:59:58,000 --> 00:59:59,980
So I was excited.

2401
01:00:00,020 --> 01:00:00,686
I went home.

2402
01:00:00,726 --> 01:00:01,980
I was packing my bags.

2403
01:00:02,020 --> 01:00:03,726
I was leaving for Clearwater,

2404
01:00:03,766 --> 01:00:04,980
Florida, the next day

2405
01:00:05,020 --> 01:00:07,980
to visit the Scientologists...

2406
01:00:08,020 --> 01:00:10,176
to try and knock some sense

2407
01:00:10,216 --> 01:00:10,980
into them.

2408
01:00:11,020 --> 01:00:12,360
And I got on my plane,

2409
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:13,980
and I was feeling so good.

2410
01:00:14,020 --> 01:00:14,603
I had the information

2411
01:00:14,643 --> 01:00:15,423
that I needed

2412
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:16,980
to understand why I reacted--

2413
01:00:17,020 --> 01:00:18,143
you know, I wasn't mad

2414
01:00:18,183 --> 01:00:18,980
at Donald Trump.

2415
01:00:19,020 --> 01:00:19,636
Of course I fuckin' hate

2416
01:00:19,676 --> 01:00:19,980
Donald Trump,

2417
01:00:20,020 --> 01:00:21,640
but that was representative

2418
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:22,395
of the other time

2419
01:00:22,435 --> 01:00:23,875
my life became unhinged.

2420
01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:24,903
It was a trigger--a word

2421
01:00:24,943 --> 01:00:25,980
I never thought I would use.

2422
01:00:26,020 --> 01:00:27,980
But it made sense.

2423
01:00:28,020 --> 01:00:28,772
And I was putting

2424
01:00:28,812 --> 01:00:29,980
all these pieces together,

2425
01:00:30,020 --> 01:00:31,980
and I was so grateful.

2426
01:00:32,020 --> 01:00:32,980
And I was sitting on the plane,

2427
01:00:33,020 --> 01:00:34,103
and I saw this large man

2428
01:00:34,143 --> 01:00:34,980
walking towards me.

2429
01:00:35,020 --> 01:00:36,487
and I was like, oh, I hope

2430
01:00:36,527 --> 01:00:37,980
he doesn't sit next to me.

2431
01:00:38,020 --> 01:00:39,951
I could tell by his body type

2432
01:00:39,991 --> 01:00:42,000
that he was a Trump supporter.

2433
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:49,000
He looked like a swollen tick.

2434
01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:52,839
And he had these denim pants--

2435
01:00:52,879 --> 01:00:53,980
they're on--

2436
01:00:54,020 --> 01:00:54,495
they weren't pants--

2437
01:00:54,535 --> 01:00:54,980
they weren't denim.

2438
01:00:55,020 --> 01:00:55,933
They looked denim,

2439
01:00:55,973 --> 01:00:56,980
but they were cloth.

2440
01:00:57,020 --> 01:00:59,026
And I was like...

2441
01:00:59,066 --> 01:00:59,980
[groans]

2442
01:01:00,020 --> 01:01:00,680
That is tricky.

2443
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:01,980
I don't like that, I don't--

2444
01:01:02,020 --> 01:01:02,628
and then I was like,

2445
01:01:02,668 --> 01:01:02,980
no, no, no.

2446
01:01:03,020 --> 01:01:03,843
You--you're not

2447
01:01:03,883 --> 01:01:04,980
that person anymore.

2448
01:01:05,020 --> 01:01:05,980
You don't judge people based on

2449
01:01:06,020 --> 01:01:07,661
their denim-looking pants,

2450
01:01:07,701 --> 01:01:07,980
okay?

2451
01:01:08,020 --> 01:01:09,749
This person is a man

2452
01:01:09,789 --> 01:01:10,980
with a family.

2453
01:01:11,020 --> 01:01:12,980
Stop looking at the exterior

2454
01:01:13,020 --> 01:01:13,745
and start thinking

2455
01:01:13,785 --> 01:01:14,980
about the interior of people.

2456
01:01:15,020 --> 01:01:16,980
That's what Dan taught me.

2457
01:01:17,020 --> 01:01:17,476
I was like, this is

2458
01:01:17,516 --> 01:01:17,980
a man with a family.

2459
01:01:18,020 --> 01:01:19,760
I immediately closed my eyes.

2460
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:20,980
Like, this is an opportunity.

2461
01:01:21,020 --> 01:01:22,057
This is an opportunity

2462
01:01:22,097 --> 01:01:22,980
to talk to somebody

2463
01:01:23,020 --> 01:01:23,980
who voted for Donald Trump

2464
01:01:24,020 --> 01:01:25,233
and actually be kind

2465
01:01:25,273 --> 01:01:25,980
and generous

2466
01:01:26,020 --> 01:01:26,810
and understand

2467
01:01:26,850 --> 01:01:28,050
or try to understand

2468
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:29,735
why they would

2469
01:01:29,775 --> 01:01:30,980
do something like that.

2470
01:01:31,020 --> 01:01:31,836
So I closed my eyes,

2471
01:01:31,876 --> 01:01:32,980
and I'm doing my breathing.

2472
01:01:33,020 --> 01:01:33,735
I'm like, okay,

2473
01:01:33,775 --> 01:01:34,980
opportunity, opportunity.

2474
01:01:35,020 --> 01:01:36,005
I'm like, think about his

2475
01:01:36,045 --> 01:01:36,980
family; he's got a wife.

2476
01:01:37,020 --> 01:01:37,343
I'm like, well,

2477
01:01:37,383 --> 01:01:37,980
she probably hates him too.

2478
01:01:38,020 --> 01:01:38,724
I'm like, no.

2479
01:01:38,764 --> 01:01:39,980
I'm like, no, Chelsea.

2480
01:01:40,020 --> 01:01:41,320
Wives love husbands usually.

2481
01:01:41,360 --> 01:01:41,980
I mean, just--

2482
01:01:42,020 --> 01:01:42,933
no, he has children.

2483
01:01:42,973 --> 01:01:44,293
He's someone's father.

2484
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:45,314
And I'm like,

2485
01:01:45,354 --> 01:01:45,980
they fuckin' hate him too.

2486
01:01:46,020 --> 01:01:47,206
I'm like, if they saw him

2487
01:01:47,246 --> 01:01:47,980
in these shorts,

2488
01:01:48,020 --> 01:01:49,980
they'd fuckin' be pissed too.

2489
01:01:50,020 --> 01:01:51,980
And I was like, no, no, no.

2490
01:01:52,020 --> 01:01:52,663
And then I--I was like, okay,

2491
01:01:52,703 --> 01:01:52,980
I can do this.

2492
01:01:53,020 --> 01:01:54,455
I ordered from the flight

2493
01:01:54,495 --> 01:01:55,980
attendant a bowl of cereal

2494
01:01:56,020 --> 01:01:56,573
for my first time

2495
01:01:56,613 --> 01:01:57,333
in 30 years.

2496
01:01:58,000 --> 01:01:58,980
I was like, I am gonna do this.

2497
01:01:59,020 --> 01:01:59,450
I'm gonna have

2498
01:01:59,490 --> 01:01:59,980
a bowl of cereal

2499
01:02:00,020 --> 01:02:02,980
with a side of Republican.

2500
01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:03,695
And I took my first bite

2501
01:02:03,735 --> 01:02:03,980
of cereal,

2502
01:02:04,020 --> 01:02:05,266
and that's when I smelled

2503
01:02:05,306 --> 01:02:05,980
my first fart.

2504
01:02:06,020 --> 01:02:09,000
There were eight.

2505
01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:10,741
I know this

2506
01:02:10,781 --> 01:02:12,000
because I counted,

2507
01:02:13,000 --> 01:02:13,531
because they were

2508
01:02:13,571 --> 01:02:13,980
like tsunamis.

2509
01:02:14,020 --> 01:02:15,046
You thought one was over,

2510
01:02:15,086 --> 01:02:16,406
and then it was done--

2511
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,099
you know, a tsunami happens,

2512
01:02:18,139 --> 01:02:18,980
and the water recedes,

2513
01:02:19,020 --> 01:02:20,127
and people come down

2514
01:02:20,167 --> 01:02:20,980
from the trees,

2515
01:02:21,020 --> 01:02:21,472
and they're like,

2516
01:02:21,512 --> 01:02:21,980
"Okay, it's gone."

2517
01:02:22,020 --> 01:02:22,379
And then, fuck,

2518
01:02:22,419 --> 01:02:22,980
another wave is coming.

2519
01:02:23,020 --> 01:02:24,980
That's what that was like.

2520
01:02:25,020 --> 01:02:26,097
So the first one, I was like,

2521
01:02:26,137 --> 01:02:26,980
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

2522
01:02:27,020 --> 01:02:27,983
Is that me?

2523
01:02:28,023 --> 01:02:28,980
Did I fart?

2524
01:02:29,020 --> 01:02:29,530
And then there was

2525
01:02:29,570 --> 01:02:29,980
the second one,

2526
01:02:30,020 --> 01:02:31,399
I'm like oh, he--

2527
01:02:31,439 --> 01:02:32,980
he's farting on me.

2528
01:02:33,020 --> 01:02:34,038
This Trump supporter

2529
01:02:34,078 --> 01:02:34,980
is really, really,

2530
01:02:35,020 --> 01:02:36,980
really checking me right now.

2531
01:02:37,020 --> 01:02:39,980
This is really testing me.

2532
01:02:40,020 --> 01:02:40,700
And then I'm thinking, like,

2533
01:02:40,740 --> 01:02:40,980
oh, my God,

2534
01:02:41,020 --> 01:02:42,441
he needs a panty shield,

2535
01:02:42,481 --> 01:02:42,980
you know.

2536
01:02:43,020 --> 01:02:43,867
Like, this is--

2537
01:02:43,907 --> 01:02:44,980
he needs something.

2538
01:02:45,020 --> 01:02:45,562
He definitely needs

2539
01:02:45,602 --> 01:02:45,980
a doxycycline.

2540
01:02:46,020 --> 01:02:47,010
So I went in my bag,

2541
01:02:47,050 --> 01:02:47,980
and I got some out.

2542
01:02:48,020 --> 01:02:48,546
I took one.

2543
01:02:48,586 --> 01:02:49,980
I also put one on his plate,

2544
01:02:50,020 --> 01:02:51,980
but I closed my eyes.

2545
01:02:52,020 --> 01:02:53,245
And I was like, just breathe,

2546
01:02:53,285 --> 01:02:53,980
breathe, breathe.

2547
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:55,379
You can deal with this too.

2548
01:02:55,419 --> 01:02:56,980
This is just another challenge.

2549
01:02:57,020 --> 01:02:58,980
[inhales, exhales]

2550
01:02:59,020 --> 01:02:59,460
And then I realized

2551
01:02:59,500 --> 01:02:59,980
I was sucking the air

2552
01:03:00,020 --> 01:03:01,980
from his asshole into my nose.

2553
01:03:02,020 --> 01:03:03,341
And I was like, no...

2554
01:03:03,381 --> 01:03:03,980
[exhaling]

2555
01:03:04,020 --> 01:03:05,580
Remembered my--the Lamaze

2556
01:03:05,620 --> 01:03:06,980
from my fake daughter,

2557
01:03:07,020 --> 01:03:08,399
and I was like...

2558
01:03:08,439 --> 01:03:09,980
[breathing heavily]

2559
01:03:10,020 --> 01:03:10,887
And I kept my eyes shut.

2560
01:03:10,927 --> 01:03:11,980
I obviously lost my appetite.

2561
01:03:12,020 --> 01:03:13,980
I didn't eat anything else.

2562
01:03:14,020 --> 01:03:15,544
And when the flight attendant

2563
01:03:15,584 --> 01:03:16,980
came over to clear my tray,

2564
01:03:17,020 --> 01:03:17,980
I didn't even look up.

2565
01:03:18,020 --> 01:03:19,486
I just sat there trying

2566
01:03:19,526 --> 01:03:20,980
to get myself together.

2567
01:03:21,020 --> 01:03:22,085
And then finally, he got up

2568
01:03:22,125 --> 01:03:22,980
to go to the bathroom.

2569
01:03:23,020 --> 01:03:23,902
And when he did,

2570
01:03:23,942 --> 01:03:24,980
she came back over,

2571
01:03:25,020 --> 01:03:25,449
and she said,

2572
01:03:25,489 --> 01:03:25,980
"Are you okay?"

2573
01:03:26,020 --> 01:03:27,980
And I'm like, "Are you?"

2574
01:03:28,020 --> 01:03:29,980
And then I turned around

2575
01:03:30,020 --> 01:03:31,273
to look at the other

2576
01:03:31,313 --> 01:03:32,000
hostages...

2577
01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:36,980
I was like, "People are going

2578
01:03:37,020 --> 01:03:38,980
to pass away on this flight."

2579
01:03:39,020 --> 01:03:40,510
And she said, "Well, hopefully

2580
01:03:40,550 --> 01:03:41,980
he's just in the bathroom now

2581
01:03:42,020 --> 01:03:45,980
getting rid of it."

2582
01:03:46,020 --> 01:03:46,810
I said, "What?

2583
01:03:46,850 --> 01:03:47,980
You can't say that."

2584
01:03:48,020 --> 01:03:48,717
I was like,

2585
01:03:48,757 --> 01:03:49,980
"Getting rid of it?

2586
01:03:50,020 --> 01:03:50,577
"You need to call ahead

2587
01:03:50,617 --> 01:03:51,577
to the airport--

2588
01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:53,056
"you need to call ahead

2589
01:03:53,096 --> 01:03:53,980
to the airport and--

2590
01:03:54,020 --> 01:03:54,985
"do you guys have

2591
01:03:55,025 --> 01:03:55,980
a hospital there?

2592
01:03:56,020 --> 01:03:57,248
"Because he's gonna need

2593
01:03:57,288 --> 01:03:57,980
a colonoscopy.

2594
01:03:58,020 --> 01:03:58,565
"Okay, and you need to see

2595
01:03:58,605 --> 01:03:58,980
if there's a doctor

2596
01:03:59,020 --> 01:04:00,980
"or a vet on board, okay?

2597
01:04:01,020 --> 01:04:01,877
"This is a ser--

2598
01:04:01,917 --> 01:04:02,980
he went to Chipotle,

2599
01:04:03,020 --> 01:04:04,349
and things took

2600
01:04:04,389 --> 01:04:06,000
a hard left turn."

2601
01:04:11,000 --> 01:04:11,480
And he comes out

2602
01:04:11,520 --> 01:04:11,980
of the bathroom,

2603
01:04:12,020 --> 01:04:12,980
and she scuttles away,

2604
01:04:13,020 --> 01:04:13,980
and I'm like, oh, God.

2605
01:04:14,020 --> 01:04:15,640
I'm like, okay, okay, okay.

2606
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:16,869
You have to think of

2607
01:04:16,909 --> 01:04:17,980
the most loving, kind way

2608
01:04:18,020 --> 01:04:20,403
to tell someone

2609
01:04:20,443 --> 01:04:22,980
to stop farting.

2610
01:04:23,020 --> 01:04:24,980
So he comes walking over,

2611
01:04:25,020 --> 01:04:25,877
and he sits down

2612
01:04:25,917 --> 01:04:26,980
and it's loud and...

2613
01:04:27,020 --> 01:04:27,801
[exhales]

2614
01:04:27,841 --> 01:04:29,000
I said, "Sir,

2615
01:04:30,000 --> 01:04:31,134
will you please

2616
01:04:31,174 --> 01:04:33,000
stop what you're doing?"

2617
01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:36,766
And he said, "Excuse me?"

2618
01:04:36,806 --> 01:04:39,000
I go, "Stop it with your butt."

2619
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,980
[squeaks meekly]

2620
01:04:43,020 --> 01:04:44,230
And then I just covered my eyes

2621
01:04:44,270 --> 01:04:44,980
and I sat like this

2622
01:04:45,020 --> 01:04:46,487
for the rest of the flight,

2623
01:04:46,527 --> 01:04:47,980
rocking myself like a baby.

2624
01:04:48,020 --> 01:04:48,367
And I was like,

2625
01:04:48,407 --> 01:04:48,980
don't say anything else,

2626
01:04:49,020 --> 01:04:49,588
don't say anything else,

2627
01:04:49,628 --> 01:04:50,588
don't be a cunt,

2628
01:04:51,000 --> 01:04:51,341
don't be a cunt,

2629
01:04:51,381 --> 01:04:51,980
don't start a confrontation.

2630
01:04:52,020 --> 01:04:52,841
You've farted too.

2631
01:04:52,881 --> 01:04:53,980
You've farted too, okay.

2632
01:04:54,020 --> 01:04:55,042
You've had bad situations.

2633
01:04:55,082 --> 01:04:55,980
Remember Panda Express?

2634
01:04:56,020 --> 01:04:57,109
Remember?

2635
01:04:57,149 --> 01:04:57,980
Don't--

2636
01:04:58,020 --> 01:04:59,989
don't judge him,

2637
01:05:00,029 --> 01:05:01,980
don't judge him.

2638
01:05:02,020 --> 01:05:03,036
And I was so excited.

2639
01:05:03,076 --> 01:05:03,980
We were descending.

2640
01:05:04,020 --> 01:05:04,988
And I was like, you did it, you

2641
01:05:05,028 --> 01:05:05,980
did it, you didn't do anything.

2642
01:05:06,020 --> 01:05:06,772
Like, if that had

2643
01:05:06,812 --> 01:05:07,980
just been six months ago--

2644
01:05:08,020 --> 01:05:08,854
six months before

2645
01:05:08,894 --> 01:05:09,980
I had gone to therapy,

2646
01:05:10,020 --> 01:05:12,341
just six months--he would have

2647
01:05:12,381 --> 01:05:13,980
gone to the bathroom.

2648
01:05:14,020 --> 01:05:16,000
I would've formed a gang.

2649
01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:20,253
I would be the leader

2650
01:05:20,293 --> 01:05:20,980
of the gang.

2651
01:05:21,020 --> 01:05:23,128
I would've lurched at him

2652
01:05:23,168 --> 01:05:23,980
like this,

2653
01:05:24,020 --> 01:05:24,872
grabbed him by the neck,

2654
01:05:24,912 --> 01:05:26,712
pinned him down on the floor--

2655
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:27,647
'cause I have strength

2656
01:05:27,687 --> 01:05:27,980
like that--

2657
01:05:28,020 --> 01:05:28,628
and flipped him over

2658
01:05:28,668 --> 01:05:29,328
like a baby

2659
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:33,000
and stapled his asshole shut.

2660
01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:38,480
But I didn't do that

2661
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:39,980
because I'm growing.

2662
01:05:40,020 --> 01:05:42,980
And they're called baby steps.

2663
01:05:43,020 --> 01:05:43,798
So as we were

2664
01:05:43,838 --> 01:05:44,980
leaving the plane--

2665
01:05:45,020 --> 01:05:45,959
the plane had landed,

2666
01:05:45,999 --> 01:05:46,980
he gathered his stuff.

2667
01:05:47,020 --> 01:05:47,980
I didn't make eye contact.

2668
01:05:48,020 --> 01:05:49,662
We never had the relationship

2669
01:05:49,702 --> 01:05:50,980
I thought we could have

2670
01:05:51,020 --> 01:05:53,146
because he ruined it

2671
01:05:53,186 --> 01:05:54,980
with his asshole.

2672
01:05:55,020 --> 01:05:56,120
And the flight attendant came

2673
01:05:56,160 --> 01:05:56,980
over as I was leaving,

2674
01:05:57,020 --> 01:05:57,891
and she's like, "It was a

2675
01:05:57,931 --> 01:05:58,980
pleasure having you on board."

2676
01:05:59,020 --> 01:06:00,980
I was like, "Yeah, thank you."

2677
01:06:01,020 --> 01:06:02,081
I was like,

2678
01:06:02,121 --> 01:06:04,980
"The pleasure was all yours."

2679
01:06:05,020 --> 01:06:05,420
And she said, "Hey,

2680
01:06:05,460 --> 01:06:06,960
can I ask you something?"

2681
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:07,435
And I was like,

2682
01:06:07,475 --> 01:06:08,555
"Yeah, of course."

2683
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:10,252
And she said, "I heard

2684
01:06:10,292 --> 01:06:11,980
a funny story about you once."

2685
01:06:12,020 --> 01:06:14,980
I was like, "Oh, really?"

2686
01:06:15,020 --> 01:06:16,980
I go, "Which one?"

2687
01:06:17,020 --> 01:06:17,446
She said, "I heard

2688
01:06:17,486 --> 01:06:17,980
you were so high once

2689
01:06:18,020 --> 01:06:19,986
you tried to get off

2690
01:06:20,026 --> 01:06:22,000
a plane mid-flight."

2691
01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:27,580
I said,

2692
01:06:27,620 --> 01:06:29,980
"I've heard that story too."

2693
01:06:30,020 --> 01:06:30,807
I said,

2694
01:06:30,847 --> 01:06:33,980
"That was Elizabeth Banks."

2695
01:06:34,020 --> 01:06:35,980
Thank you, guys!

2696
01:06:36,020 --> 01:06:37,530
Does anybody want

2697
01:06:37,570 --> 01:06:39,980
some complementary oranges?

2698
01:06:40,020 --> 01:06:41,980
There you go.

2699
01:06:42,020 --> 01:06:43,518
Thank you, New Jersey.

2700
01:06:43,558 --> 01:06:44,980
It's good to be home.

2701
01:06:45,020 --> 01:06:47,980
[upbeat music]

2702
01:06:48,020 --> 01:06:49,980
Oh, yeah!

2703
01:06:50,020 --> 01:06:50,485
Thank you, guys!

2704
01:06:50,525 --> 01:06:51,485
I love you guys.

2705
01:06:52,000 --> 01:06:53,980
Thank you.

2706
01:06:54,020 --> 01:07:01,000
♪ ♪

2707
01:07:20,000 --> 01:07:27,000
♪ ♪